Another Auld Lang Syne

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Based loosely on the song Same Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg and incorporates scenes from Food to Die For. Beckett meets Brent Edwards at her HS Reunion, delaying Caskett if not derailing it completely. Also, we may take liberties with the events and timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, Warning THIS IS AU, with only brief flashes of Canon.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Previously

"Kate, there's a big difference between harboring ill will, and trying to shield yourself from any future hurt, I mean look at it from his perspective. How would you have reacted, say if Gina had been Brent, and he suddenly found everything you did as secondary to her, how would you feel, seriously Kate, show some empathy when you talk to him.

"He has to start to trust you, that you won't hurt him again, that's first and most important. You already apologized, don't keep beating that dead horse, move on to the next requirement, prove to him, he's important to you, in your life, and don't just tell him, Kate, you'll need to prove it."

"You're right Lanie, let's go, I hope I think of something before we get there, I mean how can I prove something to him when he's there and I'm here?" Kate asked,

"Why are you here if the love of your life is there, and is only there because of you to start with? A pretty simple answer to a question that you want to make a hell of a lot more difficult than you need to" she replied,

************************************************************************************/

Chapter 12

Saturday

Four Seasons Hotel

Castle Launch Party

He walked to the bar, not noticing Kate, who surprised him and took his arm, and said, get your drink then we are going to talk Richard Castle, I have things I have to say before you kick me out of here,

Kate took his arm in hers, so as not to make a scene, and started walking with him towards an open room. He mumbled under his breath,

"What the HELL Kate, where do you think we're going, I have guests, and we have talked." He wasn't happy,

"Gina knows where we're going, she's got the party covered for a while, we need to talk, rather I need to talk and you need to listen to me, not just hear me but listen. I'm going to be sure that happens till you summon Deming and his goons to throw me out of here, but you're going to at least hear what I have to say." She said, flashing a fake smile at a guest they just passed on their way to the room,

"Deming, what the hell does he have to do with anything? As I recall it, he was your flavor of the month before your one and done, handed you the story of your lifetime, so why bring him up." Rick asked confused,

"Check out the security guard giving you the death glare at 11:00 on your radar" She replied,

"Son of a Bitch, what the hell is he doing here, I thought he was a cop in NJ," as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, made a call, and kept his voice low, giving instructions to whomever he was speaking to remove the guard, not only from the ballroom but from the hotel property,

They approached the room, Kate opened the door, looked around and then hung a do not disturb sign on the handle, took Rick to a chair and gently pushed him down.

"I'm sorry Rick, I know you've heard more about this than you ever wanted to, but you never heard the important part, the part that I have been too big of a coward to tell you until, well I know this is my last chance. I love you, Richard Castle, I've loved you since the third case we worked together, and I know, I know I really fucked up how I showed you."

Rick's face went from surprise to a look like where are the cameras, who's punking me, he thought he heard Kate Beckett say she loved him.

"Rick, I know you're trying to figure out how the hell could I be in love with you and flaunt other men in front of you, hell marrying one asshole, I'm telling you the truth when I say, Deming was to make you jealous, then God Damn Mattie, set me back up with Brent and I fell for a con man and all the old stories when times were good, Mom was alive and I never had to worry about being alone for the rest of my life because I was afraid to put myself out there."

"Kate, eh" Rick tried to talk,

"Rick, please let me get through this then you can toss me out and never talk to me again, or you can tell me how I can prove to you what I'm saying is true. It started with Kyra Blaine, I saw the love on your face for her, even after how badly she hurt you by allowing her mother to meddle, and I was jealous, I was hurt, and I wanted you to be jealous of me. Tom was someone that I could use, for a few weeks, make you jealous, get you to get closer to me, then let him down easy, but you jackass, you gave him a clear lane.

"The one fucking time I wanted you to tell someone we had something going you get all chivalrous and back off, God Damn it, Rick, if you had only fought for me, I never would have even gone to that class reunion, I wanted you, that's all I ever wanted was you, but I was so afraid you would reject me.

"I don't think I could have taken it, as long as we only had the sparring sessions my dream of you being my one and done was still viable, I know that's stupid, the whole idea of you, wanting me is stupid. I mean look at me compared to who you have and have had.

"Hell, Maddie had bigger boobs, and Gina, God she never ages, so what the hell would you see in me? I know, I know I'm talking a mile a minute, but I have to get this out, Rick, please just a few more minutes,

"Rick, I realized that I hurt you more than anyone else in your life ever has, and you have no reason to believe me and my words, so I'm asking you, challenge me, tell me what you want me to do to prove my love. Move to California, it's done, quit the force, it's done, and Rick believe this, you know how important this is, but I will stop looking into Mom's case, if that will prove to you, I love you more than anything, anyone, on this planet,

"I know I said a lot, I probably shocked the hell out of you, I know it did me when I finally figured it all out, and I'm sorry I was so stupid I couldn't or wouldn't see it before, so now once more Rick. I love you with all of my heart Richard Castle, I'll live every day I have left proving it to you if that's what it takes," tears began to fall, and then she totally broke down,

The two arms around her were so familiar, so strong, holding her, as she cried, sobbed uncontrollably, until she finally heard, his voice, "Kate, it's OK, just breathe, in through your mouth, out of your nose, that's it, Babe, once again,

She had cried herself into a panic attack, and she was coming out of it finally as he continued to hold her, gently swaying till she began to come back around. The first sound she heard was herself sniffling, Rick continued to hold her, then the music, why did it have to be this song, God no, not this one, she cried even harder when she heard Dan Fogelberg sing a true story, of lost love, she always cried, but now she knew how he must have felt.

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

She said she's married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes, I wasn't sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was Hell

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

Rick must have heard the same message in the music because she could feel him begin to tense up as she was coming out of her crying spell, it was almost like their last three years had just been reduced to three chords and a few verses of heartbreak.

It was their story if you changed a few words, book store from a record store, she married an idiot not an architect, but to Rick, it was a step she took he would need to forgive her or the song would repeat itself, the last two lines haunting each of their future and memories, we tried to reach beyond the emptiness, but neither one knew how, God this can't end like this, it just can't she thought.

Rick looked into her eyes, and asked, "Hey you OK now?"

"Yeah, eh, I'm sorry Rick, for hijacking your book launch, and for dumping all that on you, but I'm not sorry I told you how I feel." Kate was holding on for dear life, praying for some sign,

"Yeah, about that Kate, I mean like you said, you really dumped a ton of information on me, I mean, I"

"Rick, look, I know, I had no right to do that, but you had to know, and I'm serious, challenge me, tell me what it will take to prove myself to you, I know you have a lot going on and this trip is getting more complicated, but can you see me once before you go back to California?

"I mean it can be at Remy's I just need to have one meeting with you after you've had some time to think. If you don't call, then I'll have my answer, and no one to blame but myself, if you don't want to give this a try, I'll understand.

I want you to know that no matter how far away you were from me, I never stopped thinking about you, and I never will. I'll let you get back to your party, but Rick, just remember, I honestly love you, Goodnight and thank you," She leaned in and kissed his cheek, and sadly made her way to the door,

Lanie was at the bar, and saw her coming out, and made a beeline to her.

"Come on Kate, let's get out of here, you can tell me later" as she pulled her in for a hug and they headed to the exit doors. Rick stood and watched from a curtain, then he heard,

"You're really going to let her get away Rick, you told me once that if I loved Richie, to fight for him, the best advice you ever gave. I gave Kate the same advice, and it looks like she gave it her all, she's fighting for you Rick, now you need to decide, is she worth getting over the hurt, or would you rather live your life wondering If Only. I'm ready to leave anytime you are,"

She turned and gave him some time alone, knowing this was what he wanted, what he needed.

Xx

Rick sat alone at the bar for a short while, then he made one last round of his guests, fake smile plastered on, yep, he didn't have a care in the world to anyone on the outside.

His heart was breaking from the tough love he had shown Alexis, and now Kate, why did she have to say all that stuff? It was so much easier just to put her in the compartment labeled someone I used to care about, why did she have to re-open the wounds his heart had gone through?

He completed his thank you handshakes, smiles, hugs and finally turned to Gina and nodded,

"Let's get out of here, OK?" he asked,

"Ready when you are Rick, I'm right here, right where you need me, and I'll be here for you." She knew the blowup with Alexis had been coming for a long time, but now that it had actually happened, the timing couldn't have come at a worse time. Christmas, the day Rick lived for like a little boy, was only 15 days away, and the way things stood, it would be a very different day indeed.

Alexis had broken down and called her Grams, she was staying with Paige, for now, although she wasn't sure when she was heading back to California. She was waiting on her Mother to confirm she would be home so they could spend the holiday together, something that would truly hurt Rick, even Martha acknowledged.

Martha had tried to talk her into coming back for just the holidays, saying the briefest of apologies, but Alexis was as stubborn as her father and nixed that idea. Martha had relayed the information to Gina, leaving it to her to break Rick's heart even more on the way home from what was supposed to be a very happy day of celebration.

Rick was very quiet on the way to the car, and when they entered, he sat next to Gina, took her hand and said,

"OK, tell me what's been bothering you since you left the table to take a call from Mother, I know it's about Alexis, so go ahead tell me. Mother never was good at delivering bad news, even when I was a kid" he half-smiled as he squeezed her hand.

Gina, looked into his eyes, she hated times like this, especially knowing just how big-hearted the man sitting there was, damn that little brat, she had no right she thought,

"OK Rick, you always seem to know what I'm up to anyway but your Mother did call, Alexis is safe, she's staying at Paige's for now. She's not sure of her plans, I guess Martha tried to get her to apologize so she would be here for our traditional Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, glug, and presents but, and sweetie I know this is going to bother you"

"She's going back spend Christmas with Meredith, which I fully expected. She's probably sitting there now waiting for her to get back to her if she will be available or not, which is something she needs to experience.

"As much as it hurts me, I can't protect her, nor shield all the shortcomings of her Mom that I, and you, don't think I didn't know, how many times you covered for her Mother to keep Alexis from hating her. Well, she needs to grow up, part of that is that people lie, sometimes people you care about the most are the ones who hurt you the deepest."

"Have I ever done that to you Rick, I mean I know I we've had some doozy fights, but have I ever hurt you that deeply?" Gina held his hand with tears in her eyes,

"Hey, that wasn't meant for you, sure we had our issues, and the lawyers made it a lot worse, but nothing was ever close, to that" his voice just faded as he stopped speaking,

"Close to who, Rick, Kate? Does she know exactly what hurt you, I mean you two were work partners, I knew you loved her, only through your love letters disguised as Nikki Heat, but did she know? Are you being fair to her? I don't want to take sides, but I wonder if I were in her shoes, would I know how deeply and why you are so hurt?"

He held his head low for quite a while, Gina began to think she may have overstepped with her comments, till he looked up at her, with tears pooled in his eyes,

"Why the hell do you always have to be right, and you are, I am being unfair to her, hell she was off on her own quest for Mr. Right, I never once told her how I felt, she had the courage to do that tonight, but I don't want to just drop everything, I mean I want to take it slow with her, let her earn my trust. Is that fair, Gina?"

"It's fair to me Rick, but I'm the wrong lady in your life now, you need to start the communication with her back up, she can't except go through Walt, which I don't think she will. So, you know it, I moved my stuff to the guest room upstairs before we left, I knew you were going to start trying with Kate, and she doesn't need the ex-wife in your bed, I'm sure just being in the house will cause her enough anxiety."

Rick looked at her, tears almost ready to fall, took her hand, and then just kissed her cheek as he continued to hold her hand all the way home. When they arrived at the Loft it was very quiet, only the nightlights burning, as Rick took a note from Martha from the phone stand,

"Hey, Kiddo's got an invite to a party last minute so I won't be home till, well*** no smart comments Richard, I'm sure there are things that need to be discussed anyway in private so call my cell if you need me for anything, see you soon,

Mother,

Gina fixed Rick a drink, took off her jewelry, and sat on the couch pulling him down beside her, as she handed him the drink, she gently turned his face to hers,

"OK, for the last time this isn't hurting me, Rick, it's you searching for what I found in Richie, I could never deny you that. Once you have it, well, let's just say that nothing else in this world will matter or come close to how you feel.

"I will miss you lying next to me, holding me, and reassuring me, BUT we both knew it couldn't last forever, one of us would eventually move on. The good thing, at least for me, is you taught me that there is life after grieving, and it's OK, to be wanted, to want, and to need and be needed again.

"Thank you for that, I never would have been this far in the process if you hadn't held my hand all the way," She gently kissed his lips, then said, "You know I'll always love you, BUT it's time, time for you to work on your relationship with Kate. Don't leave her out there hanging Rick, she does love you, I know it."

"You really mean that Gina, I mean truly mean it? God knows I hurt you enough when we were together, I never would do anything to hurt you again," He said quietly, still holding her hand.

"Do you know what would hurt me Rick, and I am being honest. If you don't put your heart and soul into developing a relationship with Kate, don't go at this half-ass, don't bring up the past, it's a fresh start, please don't waste it.

"I could live the rest of my days having our arrangement and be perfectly happy IF I didn't know you were in love with her. I can't live that life now Rick, not until you try with Kate, truly try, if things don't work out, then we can re-visit our relationship, but don't hold that as your backup plan.

"It's not fair to Kate, you or me, so go in this with the same confidence you did when you hung around my office for two days before you asked me out, shy, cute and lovable, as you were I turned you down, remember?"

"Rejection from you? Of course, I remember, I never had been told no, well not in a very long time, but you grounded me."

"So how did you fix it, how did we wind up together?" She asked smiling

"I found out everything about you and sent you three dozen of your favorite flowers, yellow roses, a box of the chocolates you special ordered once a year, and then a singing telegram asking if I could come up to ask you out" Rick smiled, still holding her hand,

"So, you do remember, what was my response, I remember it word for word;

"So, you're not the pompous ass you want everyone to think you are, this was very sweet, what do you want to ask me?" Gina replied, laying her head on his shoulder

"Yes, straight to the point, and I asked you to go to dinner, I think we didn't spend more than two days apart after that," Rick said looking out the window,

"My point is Rick, I rejected you, you worked your ass off to woo me. It's time to man up and do the same, you already know what Kate feels, so time for you to either reciprocate or cut her loose, she deserves happiness, we all do.

"I'm going to bed, alone, let me know if you need anything and Rick, *** it's hard, it's supposed to be if it's going to last, Goodnight," She kissed his cheek and was up the stairs leaving Rick sitting on the couch.

Rick walked into his office and logged on to his computer, did a search and yes there it was, backed up to the cloud, even though he had deleted the copy from his desktop, Kate_Beckett was the tittle. He downloaded it back to his desktop, and even though he knew what was the file contained, he opened it and went directly to the picture folder. God how had he gotten away taking so many without her busting him, or maybe she knew all along?

His cell phone was in his hand, and before he knew it, a text was being typed,

"Kate,

"I'm so very sorry for being an Ass tonight, the only defense I have is I was shocked, totally shocked about the I love You if I even heard it correctly. It's late so text me tomorrow, I think we both need to start this process again, and I would like to apologize to you in person, thanks for showing up tonight, I don't know if I would have had the courage you did,

Always,

Rick,

He read it for any errors, then hit send as he opened the draft of the next book in his new series. He had only read about two paragraphs when his phone pinged with a text, the ringtone was distinctive and he knew she was up and had answered him.

He picked the phone up, hands shaking, was it excitement, or fear of rejection, he had to overcome that, he opened the text to read,

"Rick, I LOVE YOU, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, I'm giving you five minutes then I'm calling,

Always,

Kate,

As he finished reading the phone chirped her ringtone,

"Kate, I'm glad you called, I'm so sorry, I have so much to say, but just know I am sorry, you didn't deserve to be treated that way, and I am sorry,"

"Babe, shut up, no more I'm sorry, OK, we both screwed up, I just can't believe you texted me, I was just reading Heatwave, again, and missing you so much it hurt."

"OK, no more I'm sorry, well until I see you and say it in person, are you free for lunch tomorrow, I have an early signing, at 84th and Lexington, but I am free after that, *"

"I told you to name the place the time, make me prove it, of course, I'm free for you, just please Rick, don't do this out of guilt, I mean I Love You, I don't expect you to say that but please just don't do this because it's the polite or right thing to do, I*

"Shut up Kate, let me tell you I love you too, I have for so long and Gina called me out on it, she told me where I screwed up with you. I never had the courage to tell you, I just assumed you knew by my actions, but I was wrong. I can see now where I thought I was sending one message, you interpreted it as another, and I am sorry. I do love you, so tomorrow, what time?"

"Rick, before I put a damper on this, but you mentioned Gina, is she, eh, well,"

"Kate, she moved her belonging to the guest room before we even left this morning, she knew I loved you and was kicking my ass for me being so stupid. Gina is someone you have to know, I will always love, and I will do anything I can for her, AS LONG as it won't hurt the woman I love, you." He hears tears on the phone, "God now I made you cry,"

"Babe, these are happy tears, I swear, I never thought I would be talking to you like this, it's just, well, I don't know, I"

"Kate, can you do me a favor?" Rick asked very seriously,

"Yes Babe, anything, what is it?" she cried into the phone,

"Can you be sure the safety is on your gun when I knock on your door?"

"WHAT? What do you mean Rick, where are you?" knock, knock, knock came the sound,

She took a quick glance out of the peephole, threw open the door and pulled him into her apartment, kissing him as she had dreamed of doing for almost three years, God she really had missed him.

He must have felt the same way because the kissing went on for quite some time before she realized, this was her apartment, and as strange as it was, she had a bed, that needed christening with her lover. No one but she had occupied this bed, and she vowed until she knew for certain that Rick was gone and not coming back, no one would. She was so happy it was a virgin bed, and she showed him over and over.

Xx

NEXT MORNING

Kate accompanied Rick to his signing, joining Gina, who she caught privately in the ladies' room.

"Gina, I can never thank you enough for what you did, I know you could have steered him completely away from me if you had wanted to." She said sincerely,

"Kate, I did it because I love Rick, next to Richie my late husband there is no one else I loved more than him, BUT he was never that deeply in love with me, as he is you. IF you ever hurt him, I swear, Cop or no Cop, you will rue the day, I know guys too." She said with a smile but her tone let Kate know that Gina was like a mama bear and Rick her cub.

Do you have any advice for me, since I know you understand him better than anyone, should I be on the lookout for? Signs of worry, or when he's upset, he usually walked away by himself when we were working together, how was it at home?"

"He doesn't like being pushed, you can ask once, he will reply but if he avoids the question, leave it alone, he's dealing with things in his mind, and he'll let you know when he wants to talk about it. That goes for everything EXCEPT when you two argue, stay on his ass, don't let him walk away, odds are he will blame himself for everything increasing this feeling of worthlessness.

"Kate, were you serious about leaving the force if he wanted you to? He worries about you, even though you're not in the field as much, he still has panic attacks when he hears of a cop shooting, or death in New York, anywhere in New York."

"Yes I was, and I am Gina, look at this, it's going to be a present for him tonight at dinner," as she pulled out a framed picture of her resignation from the NYPD, she was now officially on paid leave for the next 90 days, and the Commissioner had left it open for her to return if she changed her mind.

"OK, then when we get to the Loft I'm going to make my flight arrangements home, knowing Rick he will probably be splitting time between LA and NY until you are comfortable so let me know how I can help you, and Kate', she paused, tears came to her eyes, "Just take care of him, OK?"

Kate hugged her, "I will Gina, I promise, we'll see you in a few weeks in LA" as they walked out of the lady's room with Rick looking like, OK, something is up but I'll never find out. They walked to the loft, Gina on one side, Kate on the other all with their arms around each other, ironically somewhere someone was playing Dan Fogelberg, Another Auld Lang Syne, but this time it was the start of a great day, week, month, and many years to come.

Short Epilogue to close this one out to follow.