Chapter 3: Bleeding Hearts

Victor remained still as a stone and breathless as the officer's words echoed in his shocked mind.

Do I know of any reason Patya would want to die?

He wanted to scream at the man for asking such a thing, but at the same moment, his mind replayed the memory of Patya's strong body pushing his up against the mirror in the dressing room, and the heavy, desperate feeling of his friend's mouth assaulting his.

Desperate?

Or was it something else?

I felt his body shaking, and I thought it was with lust, but what if it was fear? Fear of what he was about to…

No!

Patya would not ever…not ever…

"Mr. Nikiforov?" the policemen prompted him gently, "Did you remember something?"

Victor drew in a shaky breath.

"No," he said firmly, "and no, Patya had no reason to want to kill himself. Everything was fine. Patya was fine. What happened…was just a terrible accident."

It has to be.

Patya would never…

"Are you sure about that?" the officer asked, watching him closely.

Victor met his eyes squarely, frowning disapprovingly.

"Yes, that's what I said. I don't know of any reason that Patya would have wanted to harm himself. He seemed fine when I saw him before the wedding, and during the celebration, and he was drunk, but he was also fine when I left him last night. I wish I could tell you something helpful, but I just don't know anything."

The officer regarded him silently for a moment, then nodded briefly.

"Thank you, Mr. Nikiforov," he said solemnly, "Sir, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend."

Victor swallowed hard and looked down at his hands.

"Thank you," he managed softly.

The officer turned his attention to Yuuri.

"Mr. Katsuki, is there anything that you can add, anything you saw or heard that might aid in our investigation."

"No, no, I'm sorry," Yuuri answered, "Officer Brouwer, are you finished questioning us? If so, I'd like to take Victor back upstairs. This has been really difficult for him."

"No, Yuuri," Victor interrupted, "I want to stay here."

Yuuri's frown deepened.

"But, why?" he asked, "We've already told them what we can, and I'm sure that we'll be informed of any news. Yakov will see to it."

Victor gave him a look of uncertainty.

"It's fine to take Victor upstairs or to remain here," the officer assured them, "however, I am going to need to hold onto your passports for right now."

"What?" Why?" Yuuri asked, giving the man a surprised look, "Why would you need to do that?"

"It is just standard procedure while we finish the initial investigation. I'm sure that you will be completely cleared of any suspicion and allowed to leave in a day or so. We will likely keep most of the wedding party here until that investigation is finished. I am sorry for the inconvenience, sirs."

"It's fine," Victor said quietly, "You are just doing your job. I want, as much as anyone, to know what happened to Patya. Yuuri and I will remain here for as long as you want us to."

"But…" Yuuri began.

"Yuuri," Victor said, looking up at his spouse, "you understand, when we return to Saint Petersburg, I have to explain to Letya's parents and to the children what happened here. I can only do that once the investigation is done anyway. It's best if we stay. Come now, I think you were right that we should wait upstairs. We at least have to start making some phone calls to postpone our honeymoon."

Yuuri's face fell and he gave Victor a nod of assent.

"Okay, whatever you want. We can go upstairs."

The two took their leave of the others and wordlessly rode the elevator up to the top floor of the hotel. Victor kept his eyes on the floor, carefully not looking at the open door to Patya's suite, where the police team was still investigating. He entered the hotel room and sat down on the bed, putting his face in his hands and breathing slowly.

"I can't believe this is happening," he said in a calmer voice, "It just doesn't seem real. It seems like Patya must just still be sleeping in his room. It doesn't make any sense that he is gone."

"I know," Yuuri agreed softly, moving to sit beside his anguished husband, "Victor, I'm so sorry. I'm really sad too, but I know this has got to hurt you the most of anyone."

Yuuri bit his lip, thinking for a moment and watching Victor closely as he continued.

"I just…there's something I want to ask you."

Victor looked back at him questioningly and Yuuri paused before continuing.

"When the policeman was questioning you, I noticed something. I think that the officer noticed it too. At least, it seemed like he did, so I thought we should talk about it."

"That we should talk about what?" asked Victor.

"Well," Yuuri went on, "when Officer Brouwer was questioning you, when he was asking you about the time just before the wedding, while you and Patya were in the dressing room, you got a kind of…I don't know, a strange look on your face. It looked like you were remembering something unpleasant. As I said, I think Officer Brouwer noticed too. I just want to ask you. Did something happen between you and Patya before the wedding?"

"No," Victor said quickly, trying to brush him off.

But Yuuri's hand touched his face and his husband looked more deeply into his eyes.

"I think something did," Yuuri said solemnly, "I can see it did. It's right there, in your eyes, Victor. It's okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Victor went silent for a moment, his hand rising unsteadily and his fingers touching his lips for a moment before he answered.

"You're right," he confessed softly, "Something did happen in the dressing room. I'll tell you, Yuuri, but understand, I really don't think it relates to…to what happened."

Yuuri took a steadying breath and nodded.

"Tell me what happened," he urged his husband, "Did you and Patya have a disagreement?"

Victor breathed in slowly, closing his eyes, then he let the breath out and met Yuuri's eyes again.

"For some reason," he said tentatively, "Patya kissed me."

Yuuri sat still as a stone, his breathing stopped and his expression revealing nothing of his thoughts as he waited for Victor to continue.

"I don't know why he did that," Victor went on, "and I got angry at him for it. I pushed him away and I scolded him. And right away, Patya said that it was a mistake. He said he didn't mean for it to happen."

"Patya kissed you?"

"Yes."

"And this hadn't happened for a long time?" Yuuri inquired softly.

"For a very long time," Victor assured him, "The last time that Patya and I crossed that line was about eight years ago."

Yuuri's breath caught for a moment and Victor nodded, flushing slightly.

"Patya and Letya had been married for a little while and everything seemed fine. I had moved on, and I thought he had too, but one night, he came to my house. That wasn't unusual. We were still close friends, even though we had broken up when Patya wanted to have a family."

"I remember you telling me that."

"We had dinner together and a few drinks, and we were watching a movie, when suddenly, he put his arm around me and leaned against me. At first, I thought he just drank too much and needed to walk around or something, but he pushed me down on the sofa and started kissing me."

"Did you stop him then?"

Victor gave him a tortured look.

"You have to understand, I hadn't had a relationship with anyone in almost two years and it killed me when Patya left me. He told me that he still had feelings for me. He acted like he wanted to say more, but he started crying and he kept on kissing me. I didn't know what to do, Yuuri. He was married to Letya, and I didn't want to hurt her, but Patya was beside himself and he started to make love to me, and I couldn't stop him."

"What? Are you saying he forced you, Victor?" Yuuri asked, paling.

"No," Victor said quickly, "God, no, Patya would never hurt me or anyone else. I just mean that I was so worried about how unhappy he was that…I just gave in and let him make love to me. I thought that it was what he wanted, but he looked even worse after we…after it happened. I promised him that I would never tell Letya about it. After all, we were both men and there was nothing that could happen because of it, right? It was just…something we could pretend didn't happen. I was so ashamed of myself that I sort of disassociated with both Patya and Letya for awhile, then came word that Letya was pregnant with the twins."

Yuuri slipped an arm around Victor and laced together the fingers of one of their hands.

"That must have been really hard for you."

"It was," Victor confessed, "The truth is, I hadn't really gotten over Patya when he came back to me that night…and knowing that Letya was having his child, and that it was something I could never do just…destroyed me inside. I shut down. I hid from everyone. Luckily, it was in the off season, so it didn't hurt my career. But it just hurt me so badly. I didn't think anything could hurt like that, Yuuri."

"I'm sorry," Yuuri said, squeezing his hand, "Victor, I'm really sorry that happened to you."

Eventually, I calmed down. I stepped back and I realized there was nothing I could do. So, I tried to move on. I dated people, but it just never felt right. So…finally, I just decided that I need to first be strong on my own. I needed to be able to function alone, before I could hold up my end of a relationship again. And it was then that I began to win the string of world titles that I have to my credit now."

"So," Yuuri said quietly, "Patya was the reason? He was the one who made you think it was best to go it alone like you did?"

"It wasn't Patya's fault," Victor sighed, tears coming to his eyes, "He just wanted a family. He's not a monster for wanting that, and I wanted that for him. And…that's why, when we found out that Letya was dying, and she sent me…"

Victor broke off as a knock sounded on the hotel room door. Yuuri let go of Victor and got up to answer it. He opened the door and his breath caught for a moment as he recognized Officer Brouwer, Doctor Voss, and one of the other officers who had been examining Patya's hotel suite.

"Officer Brouwer," Yuuri said, frowning curiously, "Doctor Voss and…?"

"This is my partner, Officer Visser," Brouwer explained, "I'm sorry to bother you and Victor, but in his examination of the decedent's hotel room, he found a sealed note that has your husband's name on it. It has to be taken as evidence, but we thought that Victor should be allowed to open it. We will need to know its contents as part of our investigation. We have Doctor Voss present to assist Victor, as the contents of the letter could be difficult for him to see."

Yuuri stepped back to allow the officers to enter the room. The two policemen and the counselor crossed the room and Officer Brouwer handed Victor the sealed envelope. His hands shaking, Victor opened it and unfolded the paper inside.

Dearest Vitya, Victor read aloud, I want to begin by apologizing, once again, for my behavior before the wedding. It was wrong of me to burden you with that kiss. You have been the perfect friend to Letya and to me, and it is because of you that we were able to have our family. I know I hurt you very badly back then, and I hurt you again when I confused you with that kiss. Please tell Yuuri that I apologize to him too. I don't know what came over me.

The past several years without Letya…raising Liev and Akilina alone have been hard. But even though I hurt you, you helped me so much to recover, and you helped our children too. I cannot thank you enough. You truly have been like a devoted brother to me. Maybe you wonder why, once things had settled, why I never came back to you. The truth is that I wanted to very much. But…just as I was afraid to marry you because of the prejudice against gay couples in our homeland, I was equally terrified that if we married, the authorities could try to take the children away from us. Of course, I knew that Letya's parents would probably help us, but…I still carry so much guilt for hurting you in the first place. I am so sorry for that, and for everything else. I wish that I was a stronger person, but too much has happened, and my heart is too broken to take any more.

Vitya, I just can't do this anymore. For too long, the pain has been eating away at me inside. I feel like nothing is left. I feel like the shell of a person. I drink all of the time and I can't sleep. The stress is taking a toll, not just on me, but on the children. I don't know what to do.

I need you to do something for me.

It's something I can't ask of anyone else…just you. I know it will be a burden, but unlike me, you are so very strong. I know. I have seen how strong you can be. Through everything, through all of the hurt I caused you, you never stopped being there for Letya, for our children, for me.

Vitya, I need you to forgive me. Please forgive me for leaving you. I never, for a moment, stopped loving you. I let my fears get the best of me and I left you to try to live a "normal" life. But I've realized that it was never real. I did love Letya, but she was not the love of my life. I hurt her, I hurt you, and I hurt myself by living the lie I built. I am ready to let go of everything, but as I do, I want to do just one right thing.

I have spoken to Letya's parents and I have spoken to legal counsel about who would care for the children if anything happens to me. They, of course, are willing to care for the children, but they know how you have been there for all of us since Letya died, and they agree that you are the best choice to be guardian. I want you to know that Letya and I discussed what to do with guardianship if anything ever happened to me once she had passed. She agreed in front of her parents that you should be the children's guardian, in that case.

Victor paused and tears began to slide down his face as he continued.

I say again, my love, I am so sorry. I am sorry for leaving you before. I am sorry for burdening you for years. I am sorry I did not come back to you. And…most of all, I am sorry because I know if I just told you all of this, you would forgive me. But I could not take that, coming from you. I couldn't look you in the eyes after everything and bear the weight of it. So, I am letting go of everything. The most precious things I have in life are you, Liev and Akilina now. As I leave this world, it is a comfort to me that you will be together.

I love you, Vitya.

Goodbye,

Patya

The letter and envelope dropped from Victor's hands and he put his face in his hands, crying silently as Doctor Voss sat down on one side of him and Yuuri sat down on the other. The two officers exchanged sympathetic glances and Officer Brouwer cleared his throat softly.

"Victor, Yuuri, as it is clear that this was a suicide and his own words make it clear that it was his decision to take his life, I see no reason that you need to remain in Denmark. If you wish to go back to Russia to see to Mr. Pechkin's family, you are free to go. And…I also want to say how sorry I am for your loss."

"Thank you," Yuuri said softly, rubbing at his own damp eyes.

The officers left and Yuuri wrapped an arm around his inconsolable husband, meeting Doctor Voss's eyes tentatively.

"How can I help Victor?" Yuuri asked the counselor, "What can I do?"

Doctor Voss smiled sadly.

"You are already doing what you can," she answered, touching Victor's arm lightly in support, "There are a lot of heavy emotions that need to come out. Some will come now, but full recovery will be a process. I am happy to help you now and I will forward what information I can to a counselor in Russia, who will work with Victor and with you."

"Thank you," Yuuri said softly, "I know Victor can't say so, but I know he appreciates it too."

"Would you and Victor like some time alone?" Doctor Voss asked kindly, "I will just be down in the lobby, speaking to the other guests there."

"Are you going to tell them?" Victor asked suddenly, his voice shaking, "Are you going to tell them what was in the…"

He paused, unable to force out the words.

Doctor Voss looked solemnly back at Victor, who had raised his head to meet her eyes.

"The contents of that note are private," she said firmly, "as is anything we talk about. But Victor, you need to understand that the police will be ruling Patya's death a suicide. That will be made public, as will the fact that he left a suicide note. There are going to be questions, and you need to prepare yourselves for that."

"I understand," Victor assured her.

"I'm going to go downstairs," Doctor Voss said, heading to the door, "Please let me know if I can be of any more assistance to you."

"Thank you," Victor whispered.

He watched in silence as she left, closing the door behind her, then he collapsed against Yuuri, crying shamelessly and holding on to his husband for dear life.