Chapter 6: Screaming in the Silence

"You haven't said much since that phone call came earlier," Yuuri observed as he watched Victor change into his nightclothes, "I mean, you told us it was about Patya, but…it seems like there's something you're just not saying, Vitya."

Victor gave him a weary look and walked to the bed, where he sat down next to his husband and joined hands with him.

"Can we please just not talk about it right now, Yuuri?" Victor requested softly, "It's late and I'm so tired."

"Hmm," Yuuri mused worriedly, "I'm wondering if you'll be able to sleep with something troubling you like it is."

"Well, I have plenty of things troubling me," Victor sighed, reaching up to touch the bruise underneath his eye.

Yuuri gave him a sympathetic look.

"Is that still hurting you?" he asked, "I told you that you should ice it a little more. It's throbbing again, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry," Victor apologized, "I should have iced it for longer. I just…was wanting to be in here. The children are finally sleeping and I want to sleep too."

"It's easier to sleep when your heart isn't so burdened," Yuuri said.

He paused at the annoyed look he earned for his persistence.

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head and getting up, "I'm going to go and get you a fresh ice pack."

"Thank you, Yuuri."

Victor watched as Yuuri walked out of the room, then he stood and walked to the window. He looked out into the sullen night sky, sad for the lack of a single visible star or the light of the moon.

Even the sky is in mourning.

He put his fingertips up against the smooth, cool glass, breathing slowly and watching it mist the window. In his mind, he heard again the solemn pronouncement that the Denmark policeman had made.

"…it is impossible to conclude that this death was a suicide."

Victor's eyes locked on his dim reflection in the window.

You didn't want to die, did you, Patya? You had fought for so long and along the way, you had to give me up, then you lost Letya too. Still, you kept going. You kept on trying. In the time since Letya's death, you seemed to be recovering. It didn't escape me that me getting together with Yuuri would have stopped any plans you had to ask me to come back to you. I shouldn't feel guilty for that, for going on with my own life after you left me.

I shouldn't feel guilty for that, but…I do.

Patya, why? Why did you do this? Were you thinking about it for a long time and resisting? But maybe the fact that my marriage to Yuuri closed that door between us permanently and you couldn't face that? You came to the wedding and you seemed to be coping well…until that moment when we were alone, just before the ceremony.

Could I have…?

Was there anything I could have done? Anything that would have stopped you? Was there something that I just missed, because I was flustered when you kissed me? Was that rejected kiss what lit the fuse that burned out your life?

"Here you go," Yuuri said, startling Victor out of his thoughts as he returned to the room.

Yuuri read the little flush on Victor's cheeks and the unnerved look in his husband's eyes as Victor took the prepared ice pack and pressed it gently to the bruise on his face.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really."

"Okay," Yuuri said calmly, "why don't we try to get some sleep now?"

Victor nodded wordlessly and climbed into the bed alongside Yuuri, then he wound his body around his husband's, holding him tightly.

"The children might wake during the night," Victor commented, looking over at the bedroom door.

"Letya's parents are watching over the children so that we can get some rest," Yuuri reminded him, "They're going to be right there if the kids need anything. And they'll come and wake us if we need to help."

"I know that," Victor answered, his eyes still focused on the bedroom door, "I'm just worried about them. They just lost their father after already losing their mother."

Yuuri's eyes widened slightly as a touch of realization struck him.

"You lost your parents suddenly in an accident," he recalled, "Is that why you're so worried for the children? Is it because you remember how it felt?"

"I do remember how it felt," Victor affirmed, biting at his lips gently, "I couldn't sleep at all. I had…terrible nightmares, and such anxiety. I was in the dorms in the skating school, and when I kept waking my roommate, the Residence Manager just moved me to my own room, so that I wouldn't bother anyone."

"Vitya…" Yuuri whispered, touching his husband's troubled face comfortingly, "they left you alone like that?"

"They recommended me for counseling, and I did see someone. Then, for a short time, Lilia took me to stay with her."

Yuuri gave him an uncertain look in response and Victor managed a small smile.

"She's such a scary person," Yuuri chuckled, "How was it helpful for you to stay with her?"

Victor shrugged.

"She was never like that with me. She was…funny. She said funny things that eventually made me laugh. She made sure that I ate and danced and slept on a firm schedule. She made sure that I went to my counseling appointments and she did hold me when I cried. I was okay enough in a few weeks that I moved back into the skating academy dorm, and I managed, but…"

"Those children are not going to feel like you did," Yuuri said reassuringly, "Sure, they have suffered the loss of both parents now, just like you did, but you've made sure that while you sleep, there is someone to be there for them, someone who will make sure that they are taken care of. Now, you need to try to sleep so that when they wake up tomorrow, you can be there for them too."

"I know you're right," Victor agreed, burrowing into Yuuri's shoulder, "I will try."

Victor's troubled eyes closed and he did eventually manage to drift off, but he shifted uncomfortably in his sleep as dark, worrisome emotions roiled inside, causing disturbing dreams.

He stood again in the preparation room with Patya, his heart pounding as he recalled his friend's death and began to panic inside. Patya took hold of him and started to kiss him, but Victor turned his head aside and just held his old friend in a tight embrace.

"Vitya!" Patya's echoing voice sobbed, "Vitya, I'm sorry! I don't know what…!"

"Patya, it's okay!" he answered, holding on more tightly, "I understand now. Just…don't be upset, please? I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you. Marrying Yuuri is going to change things of course, but I still need you. I still want you in my life. Just…don't…go!"

Thunder cracked suddenly and Victor found himself naked and standing in Patya's hotel room, watching as his friend cried and drank, then paced around the room, his body shaking and his chest heaving dangerously. He stumbled towards a bottle of pills in the bathroom. Seeing where he was going, Victor tried to pull the bottle away from his friend, but a shock went through him as he realized that his hand only went through Patya's and couldn't reach him or the bottle of pills. He was forced to watch in horror as Patya took a handful and swallowed them with several swigs from another bottle.

"Patya, no!" he pleaded, still trying desperately to make contact, "Patya, please stop!"

Patya's head turned in his direction and he squinted and trembled in reaction.

"V-vitya?" he panted, reaching out for Victor.

Victor ran forward, sighing in relief as he gathered his friend into his arms.

"Let's go and get you some help quickly," Victor whispered, kissing him on the cheek, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He blinked in surprise as he found himself holding, not Patya, but a sleepy and confused Yuuri in his arms.

"Vitya?" Yuuri mused, reaching up to touch his face, "Vitya, what's wrong?"

"Patya!" Victor exclaimed, setting Yuuri back on his feet and dashing to the balcony, where the door was already opened and his friend was outside, leaning over the edge, "PATYA!"

"PATYA!" Victor screamed, sitting up in the bed as Yuuri jumped awake and immediately wrapped his arms around his distressed partner.

"Vitya!" he gasped, "It's okay. It was just a dream."

"B-but it wasn't," Victor sobbed into Yuuri's shoulder, "It was real. Patya's dead and I…I think that…maybe I could have…"

"No," Yuuri soothed him, running his fingers through the silvery strands of his husband's hair and kissing him comfortingly, "No, you couldn't have done anything."

"But, he was hurting and if I'd just been paying attention, I would have known. Maybe I could have stopped him."

"It's not your fault, Vitya," Yuuri said reassuringly, hugging Victor more tightly, "There wasn't anything you could do."

"I sh-should have realized what made him kiss me like that, all of a sudden! I should have felt how much pain he had to be in to do something like that, you know?"

"There was no way you could know what it was leading up to."

"His behavior was a cry for help and I didn't hear him. I was so focused on the wedding that I…"

"Vitya!" Yuuri cried, taking Victor's tormented face in his hands and looking him squarely in the eyes, "Stop torturing yourself. You know as well as I do that you loved Patya like a brother, and if it could be sensed that he was about to do something like this, then you would have sensed it. Sometimes these things just happen! People get overwhelmed by their emotions and they just…they just snap. And it's not something you can stop. It's not anything that you should be blaming yourself for. Patya wrote that note of his own accord and he took his own life. He didn't tell you it was that bad. He didn't go to you for help. You can't change any of that. For some reason, Patya gave up. We may never know why."

"B-but I do," Victor said, shuddering as he remembered.

"…it is impossible to conclude that this death was a suicide."

"Vitya?" Yuuri called to him, gently fishing Victor's head out from where it was buried in his shoulder, "What is this about? Please, tell me."

Victor looked back at him with a shattered expression, tears streaming down his face.

"That phone call I took, the one that I couldn't talk about before," he confessed in a shaky voice, "It was the police in Denmark. They told me that the investigation had been completed and…"

He paused, sniffing and rubbing his eyes.

"And?" Yuuri prompted him, picking up some tissues from the nightstand and handing them to his crying partner.

Victor said nothing, gathering himself as he slowly dried his tears away, then he met Yuuri's eyes with heartbreaking sadness.

"They said that…Patya had taken a lot of pills with too much alcohol. His hands were unsteady and they can't be sure he knew what he was doing as he wrote that note to me."

"Vitya…" Yuuri whispered, his eyes widening.

"They couldn't conclude that he made a decision to jump to his death or even that he meant to kill himself with the pills and alcohol. It may have been an accidental overdose…and accidental fall."

Yuuri stared back at him wordlessly as Victor broke down and started crying again.

"And…hearing that, what am I supposed to conclude? They asked me, Yuuri. The police asked me if I knew of any reason…if there was anything that happened that might have made him so anguished. I h-had to tell them how he tried to kiss me and I rejected him."

"That wasn't your fault!" Yuuri insisted, taking hold of Victor's forearms and looking deeply into his teary eyes, "Listen to me. Patya may have been upset over us being married and he couldn't tell you before. He may have kissed you out of confusion and desperation. He may have been upset even more when you refused to go along with him. But, none of what happened is your fault. Do you hear me, Vitya? It is not your fault. I'm sure the police told you. I'm sure they know."

"Th-they put me on the phone with the grief counselor from before," Victor informed him, "I'm sorry, Yuuri. I should have told you right away. I just was so…"

"I get it. You needed time to process," Yuuri concluded, "You've already been through hell and now this…"

"How do I deal with this?" Victor asked through clenched teeth, "What if it was my rejection that sent Patya over the edge?"

"It wasn't, Vitya, you know that," Yuuri said firmly, "You told me before that Patya had been drinking before he tried to kiss you. He was already out of sorts. And there was all of that difficulty with his parents, with his sexual orientation. He was dealing with a lot of things."

"And he needed me!" Victor said broken-heartedly, "He needed me and I…"

"You reacted like any faithful lover would if another man tried to kiss him. But I know you. I know that even though you refused to go along with him, you let him down as gently as you could. I'm sure you were as kind as you could be. Remember, Patya did something very wrong when he tried to kiss you."

"I know he did, but…"

"But you are a devoted friend," Yuuri supplied, wrapping his arms around his husband, "You didn't want to hurt him, because he was your friend and you had all of that history with him. You had to tell him no, but you never wanted to inflict hurt on him. It just couldn't be done without hurt. You know that. Please, stop blaming yourself."

I know you're right that I should stop," Victor agreed, wiping his eyes again, "But it torments me to think of him suffering, and when I try to sleep, I see it. I see his pain. I see him writing that letter and…and…"

Victor broke off, putting his face in his hands for a moment, then he took a deeper breath and straightened.

"I know you're right that I have to stop this," he said in a calmer voice, "It's not helping anyone."

"It's okay," Yuuri soothed him, "You need to have an outlet for your feelings. You just lost a very good friend in a horrible way. So, I want you to lean on me and know that you can share your pain with me. I want to help you, Vitya. I want to give you whatever it is that you need right now."

Victor pulled back for a moment, his wet eyes filling with fresh tears of gratitude.

"It's you, Yuuri," he sobbed, touching his forehead to his husband's and just letting the tears roll down his face, "I need you. You don't have to do anything, just…be here. Just hold me, okay? I'll be all right if I just feel you there."

"Okay," Yuuri said, coaxing Victor into lying down again, then curling his body around his husband's, "I'm here. I'm right here. I'm going to stay here and hold you all you want."

"Thank you, Yuuri," Victor sighed, blinking and closing his eyes, "That means a lot to me."

"Shh, rest now," Yuuri said, kissing the back of his shoulder and caressing one of his hands.

Victor relaxed slowly and dropped off into a deeper sleep. For a longer time, he was quiet and still. But gradually, the darkness invaded his dreams again with a haunting memory.

"Vitya," Letya's voice echoed in his sleeping mind, "Vitya, it's the truth and we need to face it."

"No," he said, looking out the bedroom window as Letya coughed and shifted uncomfortably in the bed, "we don't."

"Vitya?" Letya said, looking up at him uncertainly.

"It doesn't matter."

"But…how can you say that?"

"I can say it because it doesn't matter," he said solemnly, "You know how I feel about Patya, and you have to know that if he had asked me, I would have agreed…if you had also asked me. So…the result would have been the same."

"Vitya," Letya said, sitting up in the bed and taking his hand in hers, "it's not the same. Patya placed a large burden on you by not telling you."

"And what about you?" he asked, "What does it do to you, knowing…?"

"That he was unfaithful to me with you?"

"But he wasn't," Victor said numbly, pulling free and walking back to look out at the sullen, grey sky, "You know he didn't sleep with me because of any feelings he had for me. Patya had one reason for coming to me, and one reason only."

"I know that breaks your heart all over again," Letya acknowledged, "but even in that pain, there is a gift, don't you see?"

Victor sighed and sat down on the bed again, not resisting as Letya took his hands in hers.

"He did something very wrong, but Patya was only trying to hang on to some piece of you. You realize that, don't you? Patya loves you, Vitya, and he always will. He is very broken by everything and that is why he does these things, but there is no doubt that…"

"It doesn't matter," Victor said, turning and embracing her, "Please let it go? If he wanted not to say it, but just to have that piece of me, then let him have it, and just…let it go. Patya had a choice and he chose to let me go. I accepted that, and I can accept this. I just…want you to not be sad or worried. I said that I would look after Patya and the children and I will. Can you let that be enough?"

Victor sat up in bed with Letya's voice echoing in his head. He glanced at his sleeping husband, then looked out the window at the moon that was beginning to break through the clouds to light them gently around the edges.

I'm sorry, Letya. I promised to look after him, and I failed. I am so very sorry.

I failed him.

I failed you.

I will not fail them.

I promise you.