Chapter 7: Our Colors

Though he was usually awake near dawn every day, it was late morning before Victor stirred and opened his eyes. Yuuri was gone from the bed and Maccachin rested in his embrace The old dog lifted his head and turned it to lick Victor's cheek.

"Good morning, Maccachin," he whispered, hugging the poodle and rubbing behind his floppy ears.

Maccachin whined and thumped his tail on the bed, as though to say, You're up late this morning. Let's eat now.

Victor released the dog and sat up in the bed. He frowned and touched his fingertips to the bruise under his eye, then he winced and shook his head. His mind traveled back to the moment the injury had happened and the cruel words that went with the sudden act of violence.

"Well?" Patya's father inquired impatiently, switching to English as he spotted Yuuri, "Don't you have anything to say for yourself? You are the reason that our son is dead."

"And not even a phone call?" demanded Patya's mother, "We had to hear it on the news?"

"Well," Victor said in a hard, cold voice that Yuuri had never heard him use before, "maybe if you hadn't had him kidnapped and taken to that camp of horrors, years ago, he still would have been talking to you."

"We sent our son to a caring place so that he could get away from you and your reckless perversions," Patya's mother argued icily, her blue eyes blazing, "If it wasn't for you, kidnapping him from the camp and keeping him away from his family, we could have saved him!"

"You think you were saving him?" Victor answered angrily, "Do you even know what they were doing to Patya in that place?"

"They were curing him of his mental illness!" Patya's father shouted, "You should have let him be cured, and this never would have happened!"

"Are you insane?" Victor hissed, his eyes flashing and his hands clenching into fists at his sides, "Do you really think that teaching a boy to hate himself for being gay, locking him up, beating him and starving him is how you cure him? You caused Patya's mental illness by sending him there. And even though I got him out, he was damaged by what happened to him. Why else do you think he left me and married Letya, when he wasn't ever attracted to a woman? Why do you think he told me that he wanted to live a normal life and he fought himself to the death to try to make it real? Patya was gay and he was in love with me. You hated that. You hated me for it. And you made Patya hate himself for it too…you and all of the others who intimidated him for just trying to live his own life. If anyone is responsible for him throwing himself off of that balcony, it wasn't the person who accepted him as he was…who loved him exactly as he was."

"My son was not gay," Patya's father insisted, stepping forward aggressively, "You perverted him. You changed him. You seduced him into sin…and now, he'll burn in hell, just like you will someday."

He punctuated the scathing words with a backhanded slap across Victor's face.

"Vitya?"

The Russian skater blinked and shook his head.

"Are you okay?" Yuuri asked, moving forward and setting the tray he was carrying down on the nightstand, "I brought you some breakfast. The kids were up, so their grandmother had them help with making the food."

"Yuuri, can I ask you something?"

Victor moved over and Yuuri sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him.

"What is it?" Yuuri inquired, "Whatever it is, it looks like it's really bothering you."

Victor met Yuuri's gaze with tired, reddened eyes.

"I know that I am your first lover…"

"You're my first and you will be my only lover," Yuuri added, "And?"

"And I need you to tell me, were you…attracted to any men before me?" Victor asked.

Yuuri shook his head immediately and slipped a hand into his husband's.

"You know I wasn't," he chided Victor gently, "I had a little crush on Yuko when I was too young to be serious, but once I saw you and your skating, I never felt anything for anyone but you."

Victor thought silently for a moment.

"So…you were attracted to a girl, before me, but when you saw me…you…changed?" Victor asked, looking down at their joined hands.

"What's this about?" Yuuri asked, giving him a worried look, "I was very young when I had that crush on Yuko. You can't be worried about that, right? I was way too young to really feel that kind of thing. It was all really innocent."

Victor closed his eyes, breathing slowly.

"I'm not worried about that," he assured his anxious husband, "Yuuri, what I want to know is…do you think that it's because of me that you are homosexual?"

Yuuri's face registered surprise and his eyes widened for a moment.

There is so much wrong in what he just asked me!

Victor, why would you ever ask me something like that?

He thought back to the day before and the confrontation with Patya's parents.

Is that why?

Yuuri's eyes narrowed and he squeezed his husband's hand supportively.

"No," he answered firmly.

"But, you just said that something changed when you saw me and my skating," Victor repeated, "You were one way before, but you were different after?"

Yuuri shook his head and curled into his husband's arms, kissing Victor on the cheek, then on his frowning lips. He retreated slightly, looking into Victor's troubled eyes.

"Vitya," he said, keeping his voice calm, "I was not one way before and different after. The truth is that I believe I was made for you. I looked at you, and it wasn't like I changed, it was more like…I discovered a piece of myself that I couldn't until that moment. You didn't make me a homosexual. I looked at you and I just recognized something that was like me. I honestly never thought of it as homosexuality. I just loved everything about you…and I still do."

He read Victor's still tormented expression and cupped a palm around his face on the side that Patya's father had struck with his hand.

"Don't let what they said bother you," he said quietly, "You didn't do anything like what they accused you of, and you didn't do anything wrong. You met Patya, and the two of you were friends because he stood up for you when the other boys were beating up on you. And because you were friends, you grew closer, and in doing that, you just realized that you both wanted more than friendship. I wasn't there, but I know already that you never put any pressure on Patya."

"No, but I didn't discourage him, either."

"Why would you discourage him?" Yuuri asked pointedly, "There isn't anything wrong at all with friends becoming lovers, Vitya."

"I know that," Victor sighed, leaning into Yuuri's palm and nuzzling tenderly, "but it haunts me that if I hadn't…if we hadn't become lovers…"

Yuuri shook his head firmly.

"If it hadn't been you, then it would have been someone else."

"But, he married a woman."

"And you know exactly why he did that."

"No, I don't," Victor insisted, "Yuuri, I still don't know why Patya hated himself so much, why he said he loved me and it was clear he couldn't resist me, but he fought himself so hard!"

"But, you do know," Yuuri countered, "You said it yourself, when Patya's parents tried to accuse you. You didn't change Patya and he didn't become a homosexual because of you. You accepted Patya for exactly who he was. You loved them. From what you said, they sent him to a conversion camp and said horrible things to him about both of you. They hurt him, Vitya, not you."

"How can you say that?" Victor asked anxiously.

"You are the one who said that, and it's true," Yuuri argued, "I don't know why you're second guessing yourself now."

"I don't know, myself," Victor admitted, lowering his eyes, "I know in my heart that loving Patya like I did wasn't wrong. But when we were younger, Patya loved his parents too, and he wanted to please them. Children want to make their parents proud. I interfered with that."

"No," Yuuri objected.

"But, I did," Victor insisted, "What he felt for me confused him. It made him have to choose between them and me…and that tore Patya's apart from the inside."

"You're wrong," Yuuri said with certainty, "Vitya, your love didn't make him have to choose. Think about it. You wouldn't have objected if Patya had not wanted to be lovers. You fell in love together. You didn't force Patya to choose. I know you never told him he had to, did you?"

"Of course not, but…"

"But nothing. It was Patya's parents who couldn't be proud of their son the way he was. It was his parents who told him that it was wrong to be in love with you. They tried to force him to change, and it was that, that tore Patya apart. If anything, you held him together in all of that."

"But is it wrong?" Victor persisted, "Those feelings we had for each other had consequences."

"All of our choices have consequences. Bad things can happen, even when you're doing something good…like giving roses to someone you love and they get pricked by a thorn. That doesn't make giving the person roses wrong. It just means they have to be more careful handling roses. And you giving your love to Patya wasn't wrong, Vitya. It just meant that because his parents couldn't accept it, Patya was hurt."

Victor considered for several long minutes, holding Yuuri against him, then he shook his head and closed his eyes again.

"I would go back and never fall in love with him at all, if it would mean he'd be here alive."

Yuuri gave him a sad smile.

"I know you would try," he said kindly, "because you love Patya. But if you really went back, you would only see that you couldn't change that you fell in love with him. At most, you could deny it. But even if you changed things so he was alive, Patya would still be tormented. You don't think that he would have married Letya if they hadn't pressured him, do you?"

Victor looked back at him wordlessly, but the answer was plain on his face.

"If it wasn't you, he would have been with someone else and his parents still would have acted as they did. Vitya, you have to accept that you didn't do anything wrong by loving Patya, and you couldn't have fixed things to make his parents happy without Patya still being hurt. Patya's parents hurt him, and now they're hurting you, because even if they didn't love what Patya did, he was their son. They still loved him…just in a very unhealthy way."

Victor considered quietly, then he drew a steadying breath.

"You are right, of course," he capitulated, "but, what happens now? The children are hurting, Letya's parents are hurting, and Patya's parents are not just hurting, they are angry. His father already showed how angry he is."

"Are you worried they're going to do something worse?" Yuuri asked.

"We are protected by the security Yakov arranged for us," Victor reminded him, "bit there are other things to worry about too, like…"

Victor paused as Eva appeared at the bedroom door.

"Sorry to bother you, Vitya. I just wanted to see if you needed anything."

Victor felt a little shaft of guilt as he caught sight of the untouched food tray still sitting on the nightstand.

"I'm fine, thank you," he said appreciatively, "I'm just going to eat the wonderful breakfast that you and the children made for me, then I will be up and around. Please thank the children for helping you."

"I will, dear," Eva said, giving him a sad smile before turning and leaving the room.

Victor pulled free of Yuuri and picked up the tray, setting it in his lap and trying to summon the will and hunger to eat it.

"It's okay if you can't," Yuuri said, seeming to read his thoughts, "I'll help if you want."

"Thank you. I may take you up on that."

Yuuri gave him a cute smirk.

"Well, you know I have no trouble eating, that's for sure. I eat whether I'm happy or sad."

He sighed softly and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his kneecaps.

"I'm sorry all of this is so hard for you."

"I know you are. You've been wonderful, Yuuri. I'm grateful for everything you've done."

"I wish I could do more," Yuuri related more softly, "I wish it all didn't have to hurt you so much. But…you know what those feelings are like."

Victor gave him a questioning look.

"It's how you must have felt when I was so anxious before my free skate in China, and you were trying to find a way to calm me down."

Victor's expression softened.

"I felt pretty helpless," he admitted.

"But even though you made some mistakes, you did help me," Yuuri assured him, "and even though I might not do the right things now, I want to help you too."

Victor felt a warmth spread through his insides, and he managed a bite of his food. The familiar taste was nostalgic, but at the same time, comforting.

"These are wonderful," Victor sighed, "It brings back good memories. I spent a lot of time with Filip and Eva while Letya was pregnant with the children. I thought it was strange sometimes that they could show so much affection for the man that Patya had loved before marrying Letya. I'm sure it didn't escape them that Patya was still struggling because he was in love with me. I wonder why they were able to accept the situation at all. Letya really gave up whatever chance she had at a normal life, just trying to help her friend. I suppose we all had our hearts in the right places and we were trying to do the right things, but…sometimes it's hard to know what is the right thing to do, you know?"

"I know," Yuuri affirmed.

"What makes me especially sad is that even Patya's parents might have been trying to do what they thought was right. Everything just went so wrong."

Victor took several more bites, then set the tray on the bed. Yuuri smiled and went to close the door before returning and eating the remaining food.

"This doesn't mean that you can starve yourself now," Yuuri teased him gently.

"I won't," Victor promised, "I just…want to make them smile a little. I know there's no escaping that they're going to be sad, but…"

"You're doing fine, Vitya," Yuuri said reassuringly, "It's a hell of a lot to deal with."

"Mmhmm."

Victor slipped back into his thoughts as Yuuri finished the food on the tray.

Yuuri is right that it wasn't wrong for Patya and me to be who we are. I know I never made a decision to be homosexual. I think I'm only questioning and second guessing because Patya died. I'm trying to make sense of things, but I must not let the hatred that hurt Patya also get into my head and hurt me. That isn't going to help anyone. Right now, I need to concentrate on taking care of everything and everyone I can. I can comfort Filip and Eva, Liev and Akilina. I can make sure that Patya is honored the way he deserves to be in death. I can keep my promises to Letya and to Patya to take care of the children since they can't anymore. I won't let my doubts keep me from doing that.

Still, just making himself move felt draining.

He turned and let his legs down over the edge of the bed, took a breath and stood. And he found that with each step, the draining feeling seemed to diminish.

This is good. Moving and doing things, that is good. I can't change the things that are happening now, but I can keep moving and doing the things that are possible. That's all I have the energy to focus on right now.

He left Yuuri in the bedroom and picked out something to wear. He felt even more strength seeping back into his body as he dressed and took care of his morning hygiene. Yuuri was waiting in the bedroom and carrying the empty tray when he emerged.

"Yuuri?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't we take care of the memorial preparations we need to this morning then take the kids to the ice rink?"

"You feel like skating?" Yuuri said hopefully.

"I do."

"Okay, then we'll go skating."

"As long as Liev and Akilina are all right with it too."

"Sure," Yuuri agreed.

Victor took a steadying breath, then retrieved the breakfast tray and walked out to where the children were sitting at the table, playing with modeling clay.

"Uncle Vitya!" they called out, abandoning their creations to hug him and then Yuuri.

"I hope Grandma told you how much I liked the breakfast you all made for me," Victor said, smiling, "I feel like doing something fun. What about the two of you? Would you like to go skating later today?"

"Can we?" Akilina asked excitedly.

Liev looked less enthusiastic, but he nodded approvingly.

"Okay, I'll go."

"Good," Victor said, setting the tray on the kitchen sink, "Yuuri, if you don't mind watching them for a little while, there are some things that Grandma, Grandpa and I have to do."

"Okay, no problem," Yuuri said, nodding, "I love modeling clay!"

In a moment, he was at the table and building his own creation. Victor left the kitchen and started down the hallway, but was stopped as the doorbell rang.

The security team wouldn't let just anyone through. Maybe it's Yakov.

Still, he was cautious enough to look out the peephole before opening the door. Outside, a well-dressed official looking man stood on the porch with a manila envelope in his hand.

"Are you Victor Nikiforov?" the man asked.

"I think you know I am," Victor answered, looking around for the nearest guard, "Who are you and why are you here?"

"I am representing the parents of Ipati Pechkin," the man said, handing Victor the envelope, "They are seeking custody of the Pechkin children."