Do I miss you? ...
Do I actually miss you? ...
The ache in my chest says I do, but my mind refuses to allow me to come up with a clear decision. Why did you leave me? Why did you tell me you loved me if you were going to sever our connection so abruptly? Even worse, why do I feel as if I miss someone else other than... you? How is that even possible? Have I gone completely out of my mind that I can no longer remember accurately what our relationship was?
I thought you had let your guard down finally and were letting me in. I thought we were becoming closer to one another despite what others said. I thought we were doing it... and I was getting use to being someone you loved and trusted.
Why do I feel you aren't suffering as I am? Why am I hurting so much?
Why you said you wanted me, I saw it all play out. Our future... Our happiness... Everything. When we spoke it was as if our minds connected, as if we were one person. But was that just how I felt?
I am so lost my mind has some how changed who you are. Does that even make sense? How could someone be something other than what they actually are? Maybe this was why we ended? My imagination? My eagerness? My... My everything...
Was it me?
Did you not mean to say I love you?
Why is this so unbearably hard?
I just wanted to believe you could love me because I cared so much for you.
Why can't I seem to let you go as easily as you have let me go?
How is it that I still yearn for you yet want to run from you? Because running means it will just hurt much less than if I continue to want you... But, God, I want you. I have wanted you since the very beginning and maybe that's why this didn't work? Just maybe you didn't want me as much?
Maybe there was a small part of you that thought you wanted me, but the bigger picture became clearer and you realized I was not for you? But how could I not? After all you were the first to say I love you...
Why...
Why?
Why?!
I wish for a day I could think rationally rather than emotionally. What has my mind done to distort your image to the point I cannot even recognize you anymore? I can't see our relationship for what it was. Why am I so unsure of the facts when I knew them so clearly not even a day ago. I am unsure what reality is and what fiction is now. While I know myself to be a sensible woman, you made me feel so... senseless.
When will it get easier?
When will the memories fade? When will the need for you dull?
When will I be free of this unbearable clutch?
When will I be able to let go of you and move forward in my own life now that we are not... we?
Why do I feel as if I want us to be we still? Even though I know that it was never bound to work between us... Just like you said.
Do I miss you?
Or do I miss who I wanted you to be?