Chapter 10: Letting Go

Victor stood quietly in front of the full-length mirror in his and Yuuri's bedroom, his hands trying to recall how to fix his stubbornly uncooperative tie. A little sad smile found its way onto his lips as Yuuri's arms wrapped around him from behind, first warmly embracing him, then reaching up to finish tying his tie for him. Yuuri's hands ran over the dark cloth, smoothing here or there, and his brown eyes met Victor's in the mirror.

"Are you all right, Vitya?" he asked, "I mean, I know you're not really, because of what day it is, but…"

"I'm okay," Victor assured him, kissing him on the cheek, then sliding his arms around his husband and breathing in his comforting scent as they quietly held each other, "It's good to get this done. I suppose we can't really put our attention on healing until we've said goodbye properly."

"Right."

"Are the children ready?"

"Mmhmm, Filip and Eva were helping them. They are going out to the car now. Are you ready to go?"

Victor studied his reflection for a moment, his mind going back to the those final moments in the dressing room with Patya before the wedding.

"Patya!"

Victor's sudden exclamation jarred his friend out of his reverie, and Patya's face reflected surprise at finding himself pressed up against his surprised ex-lover, with Victor's back pushed up against the mirror and his blue-green eyes filled with shock.

"What are you doing?" Victor asked in a panicked voice, shivering as Patya's grip on him tightened and he leaned forward, forcing a sudden, impulsive kiss.

Victor struggled underneath his hands and after a moment, pushed him away, his blue-green eyes flashing with confusion and anger.

"Why the hell would you do that?" he snapped furiously, "Are you drunk already? What were you thinking?"

Patya stared back at Victor in silence, looking stymied by his own behavior and at the same time very much like he was wanting to kiss his former lover again.

"You are my best friend! My brat! Why in god's name would you step over that line now? Today, of all days? Why, Patya?" Victor scolded him.

"Vitya?"

Victor blinked and sucked in a shaky breath.

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," Yuuri said solemnly, "I get it."

Victor looked back at him wordlessly and Yuuri smiled sadly and hugged him again.

"It's barely been a week since you were getting ready for our wedding, and Patya was in the dressing room with you, and tried to kiss you."

Of course he would be able to guess exactly what I'm thinking.

"Yuuri…"

"It's okay," Yuuri said firmly, "You don't need to feel any guilt, over him kissing you or anything else. Right now, all you need to do is put one foot in front of the other and go with us to say goodbye to our friend."

Victor rested his chin on top of his husband's head and closed his eyes.

"I don't want to say goodbye to him," he whispered, "I know I shouldn't, but I feel angry at him, Yuuri. I don't know what happened that night. Maybe it was just the alcohol and the sedative he'd taken that made him fall. Or maybe he wanted to. He was in pain and probably was just crazy for it to end, you know?"

"Yeah."

"But even if it hurt so bad that he felt like he couldn't go on, he had people who loved him. He had Filip and Eva, the children…and he had me. Just because I finally got over him leaving me and moved on…"

Victor's breath caught as Yuuri's hands took hold of his shoulders and his husband's dark eyes locked on his.

"Is that what you think?" Yuuri asked sternly, holding his gaze, "That it was our wedding that made him do this? Because I think you know that's not true. You didn't do anything wrong. Not by accepting your separation from him, not by falling in love with me, and not by marrying me. Victor, Patya left you, and even after Letya died, he didn't go back to you. Whatever his reasons, however messed up they were, he made a choice and you respected his decision. You didn't just respect it, you bent over backwards to support him and to still be a part of his life. You gave him everything and he had the chance to be with you, if that's what he wanted. He was just…messed up inside. He was confused and he just got lost and couldn't pull himself out of that."

"That's when you need your friends most," Victor argued, "I should have been there for him."

"You were. He had to accept your help, and for his own reasons, he didn't. That's not your fault. Please, you have to stop blaming yourself. Like you keep telling everyone else, Patya made his own decisions. He made a poor decision to drown his sorrows in alcohol and medication, and accident or not, that is why…that's why he died."

Victor stood quietly, considering for a moment.

"You know, there was this moment," he confessed, "when we were coming upstairs and you had gone on ahead to our room. Patya and I were alone in the hallway and I asked him if he would be all right. We were all pretty drunk and I was just being sure, you know, because of that. Patya just said he was fine and he hugged me, Yuuri. When I think back, I remember I wasn't so sure…but I hugged him back and said goodnight, then I walked away. I can't help but wonder if…"

He broke off, choking up closing his suddenly teary eyes tightly.

"Shh," Yuuri soothed him, pressing his cheek to his distressed husband's, "Let it go. You did everything humanly possible."

"I mean, if I had just asked him again or…"

"You did everything you could," Yuuri insisted, "Come on, now. We need to go and say goodbye, Vitya."

Victor slowed his breaths forcibly and nodded.

"Okay."

Yuuri stepped back slightly and took his husband's arm. The two left the bedroom and walked silently out to where a black limousine waited for them with the children and their maternal grandparents already inside. Victor smiled at the children as he joined them. He leaned over and smoothed a wild curl of Akilina's hair, then reached over and squeezed Liev's hand. He sat back again as the car pulled away from the curb and carried them to the mortuary.

The car moved smoothly through the early morning traffic, and Victor spotted a news helicopter in the sky overhead as they arrived at their destination. They left the car and moved into the crowded entry where guests were greeting each other and talking softly. The funeral director met them quickly and led them to a greeting area, where they welcomed each of the guests as they passed into the room where Patya's casket had been placed. Victor kept his eyes carefully lowered as he greeted Patya's equally distant parents in a stiff, formal tone.

"Larina, Renat."

"Victor."

The two, followed by their lawyer, ignored Yuuri's presence at the Russian skater's side and said nothing to Letya's parents as they entered.

When all of the guests had been welcomed, Victor and Yuuri joined Eva and Filip where they sat with Liev and Akilina in the front row. The officiant, an old friend of Letya's family stepped to the front and cleared his throat softly. As he began to speak, Victor's mind slipped backwards in time to another friend's untimely funeral.

He stood alongside Patya, biting at his lips as he tried to make sense of the scene in front of him, the oddly young body to be lying so still and the familiar face that looked wrong being so pale it had to be made up slightly to look normal. He felt Patya's hand touch his and his friend gave him a sad smile.

"Are you okay?" Patya asked in a whisper, "If you feel ill, we can slip outside. Everyone will understand."

"It's just wrong," he whispered back, resting his head on his friend's shoulder, "Saveli did nothing wrong. He was just riding in a car to a ball game. He…was supposed to call me when he got back because we were…"

"I know," Patya said sympathetically.

"He never c-called," Victor said, his eyes filling with fresh tears.

"I know, I know," Patya said reassuringly, tightening his hold on Victor's hand, "He had unfinished business."

"He was…supposed to…"

"Shh, it's okay. Come, Vitya, I think you need some fresh air."

Victor heard the officiant introduce him and somehow his legs carried him to the front of the room. He took a steadying breath, trying to pretend it was the beginning of an important skating routine. His features remained somber, but his heart slowed and he felt as though the people in front of him were beginning to disappear.

This is the last place I want to be, the last thing I want to be doing. Patya…why did you make me have to do this? Why am I standing here, having to find the words to comfort everyone, when I just want to cry? Wasn't it enough that I loved you through everything? That I accepted you leaving? That I watched you marry someone else? That I stayed in your life and gave you nothing but support as you grew your family right in front of me? Don't you see the place you have left me? I don't know what to say to them.

And I don't know what to do.

They are waiting.

The expectations are high.

And just like when I skate, I need to do the unexpected. I need to make sense of this. I need to find something to ease the feelings of loss for them. In your place, I must take care of them.

He felt keenly the dark, confrontational eyes of Patya's parents.

So much is broken and I don't know what to do to fix it. I guess that you didn't know what to do either. That's why you are lying where you are now. And looking at you, I feel so many things all at once. I am sad that you've gone. I am angry at you for leaving. I feel guilt that as hard as I tried, I could not save you. I feel betrayed, because we were like brothers, but there were things you kept from me, that you couldn't bear to speak to me, although you probably suspected I already knew…that you never fell out of love for me…that you only left me, because I would forgive you if you did, but if you continued to rebel against your parents, you would lose them completely. It killed you that you lost them anyway.

You tried so hard.

I tried to be there for you.

We failed together, and now we are here.

I don't know what to do with that.

He cleared his throat softly and took a steadying breath.

"From the first day I met Patya," he began, "I fell in love with his strong, protective side. We were just little boys then, but I was disliked because I wore my hair long and I was already a dancer and skater. One day, some of the boys from our school attacked me as I walked near Patya's home. They held me down and one said that they would break my legs so that I couldn't be a dancer anymore, and the other took out his scissors to cut away my long hair. Before they could deliver on their threats, Patya pushed them away from me and started to fight them. At first, I was just scared and I couldn't move, but…then Patya encouraged me to fight for myself too.

I wasn't used to doing that. Before that, I never said anything back to the boys and girls who teased me. My coach told me that I was a special talent and that normal children couldn't be expected to understand. Patya heard that and he spit on the ground and he told me to shut up and fight with him. For the first time, I learned that I needed to fight for myself and I needed to be a survivor.

Those lessons served me well. Patya and I fought through many more things together as the years went on. He was at my side when I won my first junior world championship, and I was with him as he married Letya and built the family he so wanted to have. There is nothing that Patya would not do for the people he loved. He was kind. He was loyal. He was truly caring. Patya still had so much to live for, and I believe with all of my heart that he did not want to die. And even though he has passed from life, I know that if he could speak to us, he would do as he did that day, long ago, when he found me crying and bloodied, and being hurt. He would tell us to get up and keep fighting. He would tell us that we deserve to be happy. He would tell us that each day we have together is precious and we should love and protect each other. I am thankful to my friend for teaching me what is most important, and I know I am not the only one who will always remember him for the wonderful man he was."

Victor moved back to rejoin Yuuri beside Filip, Eva and the children as others came forward to briefly speak about their late friend. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Patya's father, standing still and wearing a stony expression, while his mother kept her face slightly bowed and wiped at her eyes several times. An aching tiredness overtook him as he took in the number of people coming forward to speak.

I don't understand why Patya died. With everyone here who is speaking for him, with all of this love that was around him, why couldn't it be enough? Why? Why did Patya have to die? Was it the drugs in his system that made him act recklessly? Or did Patya…?

No.

I won't believe it!

I refuse to believe that Patya really forgot all of us and chose to die like that. The drugs in his system made his mind fuzzy and he couldn't think straight. That has to be it. That has to be what it was. God knows I need that to be the reason, because I just can't bear to think he…that pain he would have to be feeling…to…

"I would like to say something," Patya's mother said suddenly, breaking into Victor's reverie and making his heart pound and skitter with anxiety.

"Larina," Filip said in a quiet voice, before Victor could move to answer, "you are welcome. Just please be respectful of everyone here. We are all in mourning."

Renat's eyes flashed and both he and his wife stiffened, but neither responded. Larina moved to stand in front of the gathering and drew a shaky breath before continuing.

"It seems unreal to me that we can be standing here, saying goodbye to our son with our last words having been exchanged in anger. This is not what Renat and I pictured when we fell in love at a church social, as he courted me, then asked my father for my hand in marriage. It was not what we pictured when I found out I was with child, through all of the days we planned for our baby's arrival and dreamed of our future with him. We had no idea when we welcomed him that first time, with wide open arms, that he would be taken from them well before death could take us…that somewhere, somehow…"

She paused and met Victor's tortured eyes directly.

"someone would excite and confuse him…"

"Larina," Filip said warningly.

"would seduce him away from the values that we instilled in him and make him question himself to the point of madness."

"I have to ask you to stop," Filip said, stepping towards her.

"Let her finish," Renat said sternly, "She has not insulted anyone and has no desire but to lament our son's passing."

"I am sorry, but…"

"It's all right," Victor said suddenly, earning small gasps from the other guests, "It is true that Patya was confused, although I don't feel that it was me who confused him. Still, you deserve to remember your son how you wish."

Larina glared at him even more icily.

"The world is a cruel and confusing place, and despite our best efforts and the efforts of the clergy at our church, we were unable to bring peace back into our son's heart. We failed…all of us."

She turned and knelt in front of Patya's casket, taking a shuddering breath before going on.

"I am sorry for failing you. This is our punishment for doing that. I know you are at peace now, and your eyes have been cleared of the confusion. I hope that you meet us one day when we come too, to the afterlife…that God will forgive us all for our shortcomings…"

She rose and turned back to meet Victor's eyes again.

"and that he will punish the ones whose rebellious hearts do not understand penitence. Renat and I have lost our son. There is nothing that we can do for Patya now, but…we can offer our grandchildren a happy home where they will be well adjusted. And maybe, since we cannot save our son, we can save these little ones instead. We will do our best to try."

Victor felt the challenge in the words and noticed the Pechkin's lawyer watching his reaction closely. He kept carefully silent as Larina moved closer to him, continuing to look into his widened eyes.

"Vitya…"

He flinched at the familiarity that ached with wrongness, but carried an odd amount of what seemed like affection.

"You were our Patya's close friend. You watched him go from a confident young boy to the confused person he was after your…encounters."

"I don't know what you mean," Victor answered softly, "Patya was not confused by our love. He only became that way when you told him that our love was sinful and wrong."

Larina nodded in affirmation.

"The truth can hurt sometimes."

"Our love was not wrong."

"But it was," Larina insisted, "Vitya, you live in a dream world that has no reality. It is not just on the ice that you pretend."

"Stop," Yuuri said, stepping between the two, "Don't talk to him like that."

"Look at this boy who you call your husband," Larina persisted, "You and I both know that your marriage is not real. It is a piece of paper that you might as well burn for all of the reality it reflects. Open your eyes before it is too late, before something like what happened to our Patya also happens to you or this one you say you love."

"Why do you care at all about what happens to me?" Victor asked over Yuuri's next attempt at an objection, "You think I'm at fault for, what did you say? I confused Patya? It was Patya who first confessed love to me, not the other way around."

"Patya was blinded by the temptation you presented him with, you with your lovely costumes and playful dancing that relied so much on blurring the lines of gender. Did you think we didn't notice how you did that?"

"It was performance," Victor said reflexively.

"Was it?" Larina pressed, taking another step towards him, "Or was it a cry for help because it was you who was confused, Vitya?"

"No…"

"You lost your parents at an early age. You had no one to guide you. Right now, we have lost our son and we have no son to guide. Let us help you."

Victor paled an took a step back, staring at her in horrified fascination.

"Don't listen to her," Yuuri warned him, taking his arm, "Vitya…"

"I know we did not handle Patya's death well and that we hurt you with our accusations, but we have had time to reflect, to speak to our clergyman, to pray. And our prayer has made us sure that we should offer you forgiveness, Vitya. That we should offer you healing and guidance to clear your confusion and make you whole again."

"I am not broken," Victor said, his voice shaking.

"But you are. You only refuse to see, because the truth is painful."

"Enough," Filip said, joining Yuuri between Larina and Victor, "This is Patya's memorial. Save this for another time."

"Of course," Larina whispered, rejoining her husband.

Yuuri pressed close to Victor's side as the officiant cleared his throat nervously and began the final blessings.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

Victor nodded wordlessly, but his mind spun with the sound of Larina's soft, pleading voice that made such horrid accusations, that twisted what he recalled, spinning it into a tangled web. He breathed slowly and remained silent as the last blessings were completed, then he and Yuuri stepped forward with Filip, Renat and two other friends of Patya to lift and carry his casket to the waiting hearse. They set it in the back, then all of the guests followed the hearse in slow procession to the cemetery. The pallbearers lifted the casket out again and when the guests had assembled around the grave, they carried it forward as another of Patya's male friends sang, accompanied by an acoustic guitar.

"The Rose," Victor mused inwardly as he helped to carry his friend's body to its final resting place, It's sad, but hopeful…like we are today.

He watched silently as Patya's casket was lowered, and he was sure that a dead part of himself was being buried there too.

Goodbye Patya.

I promise you that I will give Liev and Akilina all of the love that you and Letya meant for them to have. That's all that's left that I can do.