Feeling nervous is an understatement. Elsa could throw up every food, drink, and acid in her stomach right about now. She's leaning her back against the inside of her parents' dark blue bedroom door. Sporadic breaths are all she can hear. It's dark and with how long it's been vacant, it almost has a musty smell. The room is as clean as can be, the sheets are even made, and it makes Elsa hurt wondering if her mother made those sheets thinking she was going to come back and sleep in them later that week.
"Ugh, I miss you both so much," Elsa cries into her palm. The crying comes suddenly and it comes hard. The depression wraps it's hands around her throat and squeezes until her eyes burn and bulge. She's just standing there, against the door, getting absolutely nothing done. "I f-feel s-so guilty-HICK! S-so many-SNIFF-things I-I'm guilt ridden over. Things I could n-never have done a thing about, Father." She stumbles toward their bed, her bare feet dragging across the rough wool carpet until she grips the white quilt near the foot of the bed and clenches the cotton. Her tears leap off of her bottom lids and drip down her forearms and into the cotton between her fingers. Her hands are faintly shimmering, her ice slipping from her control and spreading bits of snow.
"I feel guilt for your deaths, Mother." Elsa's crying gets softer…. "I feel guilt for being a Queen when Anna has p-proven she's just as competent." Elsa swallows and rubs her eyes with her forearm. "I know you said you can accept how Anna and I feel about one a-another, but I still have guilt over that too." Elsa bites her lip hard, and through her teeth she curses herself. "I could have ignored it and she'd have stayed with Kristoff. He could have made it easy." A chill brushes past her neck and she shivers. She looks around the room. The windows are hidden behind thick long dark blue curtains, there is no draft. Elsa second guesses what she felt, blinking it away. She sits down on the edge of the bed, her toes holding most of her weight on the floor with a pink stain from when her and Anna threw paint at one another. She cringes thinking of the mess their mother walked in on and the scolding that took place thereafter. Elsa hugs herself.
"Mother, Father… I've come to realize that I'm the most selfish person I know." Elsa's head hangs and she stares at her knees. "I only feel guilty about these things because I…" Elsa's eyes water again, "Because I know I'm a hypocrite. I live to give orders. I live to tell people how to live their lives when I can hardly live mine." Elsa runs her hand through her hair and tugs at the ends.
"I never know what to do unless someone else tells me what is best." Elsa drops backward onto the bed and stares up at the glittery cobalt canopy. Elsa focuses on her breathing. Her nose is feeling stuffy in this position but she ignores it, breathing in through dry parted lips. "I regret not being able to do this when you were both alive. I wish I had come to you, and laid between you much like this." Elsa crawls backward up toward the head of the bed and turns onto her side, her ear pressing into the feathered pillow. She closes her eyes and takes one deep breath. She just doesn't realize her powers are causing a flurry of snowflakes to drop down onto the sheets and thoroughly soak them. She lies there for several minutes, her thoughts only on her and her family. For once it's only the happy thoughts that come to her mind. She presses a hand down against the bed and her ice travels through her palms.
….
The faintest touch of fingers against her cheek make her jerk right back to reality. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head and she sits up.
"Father?!" He's sitting with his legs over the side of the bed and his spine twisted just to face his daughter. A hand touches her back and she spins to see her mother with her legs tucked up under her, looking right at Elsa as well. "Is this like last time? Are you really here again?" Iduna nods.
"We had a feeling you'd need us," Iduna responds with a glint in her eyes.
"Did you hear… everything?" Elsa asks, suddenly insecure and bringing her knees up to her chest.
"It's alright to be vulnerable for a change," Agnarr says with his deep voice. "Perhaps that vulnerability is what you needed all this time." Elsa doubts it, and it shows on her face.
"I know you'd think it'd be quite unrealistic if I said that, 'all you need is love,' right, Elsa?" Elsa cringes in response and her parents share a smile with each other.
"Incest isn't uncommon among royalty." Elsa covers her ears at that word and frowns. Her father gently prys her hands from her head and holds them against his chest, continuing his sentence. "The difference is that you are women."
"Two grown and very sister-dependent women, I might add," says her mother. Elsa might die of embarrassment. She shifts uneasily and straightens up her back. "No one can stop you except yourself." Elsa tightens her lips and her eyes glaze over. This is too much.
"Darling," her father breathes, squeezing her hands. "You're just scared of the label." Elsa coughs and gives her father a confused look. "Your world is full of labels."
"Arendellian," her mother says.
"Queen."
"Sister," Iduna says with a smile.
"Woman, ice witch, lesbia-"
"-I get it," Elsa chokes, rubbing the bridge of her nose.
"You don't," he presses, dropping his chin onto the top of her head. Her face digs into his chest but he doesn't care one bit, in fact he pulled her closer. "Elsa. You know that hiding is the worst thing you can do." She does know. She's had years of experience in hiding really. That ache is so bitterly familiar that even a smell similar to one from her bedroom can bring up vile memories and feelings.
"Anna may pretend the desire to be official isn't burning constantly in the forefront of her mind," her mother says gently from behind her, "But we all know Anna."
"It's killing her," Elsa breathes.
"It's killing you," her father says with finality. Elsa pulls out of his hold and rubs her arm absentmindedly. She's sitting here between two shells of her parents. She felt so peaceful, but now this sizzling hot anger is pumping through her veins and her face turns into a scowl.
"God, you don't understand!" Her parents retract their hands from her and she starts shaking. "The GUILT. Oh God the guilt of everything. Hiding from her because I thought it was right. Hearing her cries and never telling her what was wrong because YOU two told me it'd change her!" Her parents both shut their eyes but Elsa doesn't stop. It's just overwhelming. All of it. She's never had this feeling. It's bubbled up and stayed inside her chest for so long that it was bound to burst out of her. She just didn't ever think it'd feel so good.
"Every kiss we shared those first few months were so disgustingly sweet," Elsa puts her hands through her hair and holds her scalp, digging her nails into her skin accidentally. "Every kiss was perfect, but I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen when someone saw. THEY HAD TO SEE IT! It's always been so obvious. Always! I could never keep my eyes off her, and now I knew she'd done the same to me for so long! God I love her so much, Mother." Elsa looks at Iduna with teary eyes, but she wipes those tears away, rubbing her skin painfully hard and reddening it. "I'm sick of crying. I'm SICK of the guilt!" Elsa slams her fist against the bed and it creaks loudly. "I just want to be with her. I just want to ignore the rest of the world. I… I'll never feel happy if I don't accept these dirty feelings."
"It's not dirty," her father says in the softest voice she's ever heard him use. Elsa wants to argue, but her voice feels tense and weak. She shakes her head slowly and her mother runs her hand down Elsa's shivering back. "I bet Anna would agree." Elsa doesn't know how to feel about that.
"Is she guilty too?" Elsa asks, her voice coming out as quiet and innocent as it did when she was a child. She hates it.
"Why don't you ask?" Elsa looks at her mother with confusion and Iduna points at the door. "We know she's been listening; don't you?" A creak sounds from outside the door and Elsa's tired and swollen eyes widen.
"Anna?!" Elsa calls, voice echoing in the nearly empty room. It takes a minute before the knob turns and a quietly sobbing mess of her sister leans in. "A-Anna…." Elsa pushes herself off the bed without a thought and nearly runs to Anna who meets her halfway and falls into her embrace like a sack of coal.
"E-Els how are they...? H-how are they-"
"-It's impossible to explain," Elsa huffs, feeling exhausted emotionally and somewhat physically. Anna's staring at her parents that look just the same as before they died except for the icey look of their skin and clothes. "Why don't you talk to them?" Anna freezes. For the first time in so long, Anna looks scared. Elsa forgets about her own struggles and holds Anna's waist firmly in her hands, pressing her nose against the side of Anna's cheek. "What's wrong?" she whispers into Anna's ear.
"I c-can't," Anna answers loudly. She staring at their parents whose faces are growing slightly more concerned and uncomfortable. Anna breathes unevenly, and Elsa feels her shaking under her hands. "You guys dare to ask me if I have guilt?" Elsa's eyes gaze holes through Anna's face. "Yeah. YEAH I have guilt. I feel guilty I never cursed you out for separating Elsa and I-" Iduna gasps so hard it makes Elsa twitch. "-I have guilt for not telling you how much it hurt that even YOU two didn't spend time with me for more than one meal a day!"
"Anna," their father warns. Elsa looks back at him and he looks as though he had been torn to shreds. She never thought she'd see such a thing on his stern face. "Darling we regret it-"
"-I don't care, ok?" Anna hasn't let go of Elsa's shoulders, and Elsa hasn't let go of Anna's waist. Anna's gripping her sister like it's the last thing holding her together and Elsa's glad to be that support, even if she's completely flabbergasted. "I love you both," she sniffs, "I miss you everyday. But the damage you two did to Elsa is… ugh it's unforgivable," she chokes. Elsa's heart stops beating. Anna watches their parents look at each other. It's painful and it stinks of remorse.
"We know," they both say. Elsa hasn't stopped staring at Anna who's so close to crying that any second a tear will slip down her cheek, and Elsa will catch it with her lips. "We think about it constantly. We always did."
"Well then why didn't you do something about it? Why didn't you free her?" Anna asks with a bitterness hanging at the end of every word. Free me? I never thought about it as their fault. I blamed the castle. Never the people. Never them. Always just Arendelle. Always myself. ...She's right.
"We didn't know what to do either, Elsa." Elsa didn't respond to Agnarr, she just kept looking at Anna, her eyes never shutting. "We gave you the curse of uncertainty. I will admit it." Anna barks out a laugh and she looks back at Elsa. Anna worries her brow and leans her face forward slightly.
"Els?" she asks quietly. Elsa's eyes still haven't shut. They're bloodshot. She's sweating. Her lips are parted and that's the only way she's breathing. Her face is just blank except for the absolute panic in her dry eyes. Anna doesn't know what Elsa's thinking and she's so afraid of that. Snow is flurrying all around the four of them, and it's about thirty degrees colder than it was two minutes ago. Elsa looks horrifying, and Anna's heart is pounding so loudly it rattles her own ribs. "Baby?" Anna holds the sides of Elsa's face and she leans in until they're nearly nose to nose. "Talk to me," Anna begs, worry rising until it hits an all time high. The anxiety burns and she feels sick to her core. "Baby come o-"
"-It wasn't my fault," Elsa wheezes.
"It wasn't," Iduna says, her voice completely even, her hands on her lap. "It was our fault you were apart. We wanted to protect Anna-"
"-From me. Thought I'd kill her. Thought I'd kill you. Realized you were weak. Realized I was strong. Tried to break me. Tried to stop my reign. Broken mind, can't reign." Elsa had never been so short, and they all knew it. This was a new Elsa. Even new to herself. This Elsa was terrifying. Even to Anna. Anna tried to calm down, she tried to breathe normally, it just didn't work. But she knew one thing for certain; she wasn't going to walk away from her sister. Elsa pushed Anna behind her and swung her fist in the direction of the ex-King and Queen.
SHHHK! CRRK! SHK!
Her parents made quiet cries of panic and jumped off the bed that Elsa just completely split in two with her ice. Feathers from the pillows were flying everywhere and so were pieces of the sheets.
"Woah woah woah," Agnarr cried with his hands up.
"Elsa we're already dead, you can't-"
"-KILL YOU?!" Elsa swings her fist again and shreds a huge custom bookcase and all of it's decorations into a thousand pieces with a nine-foot wall of ice that shatters into glass-like bits. "I would NEVER have hurt Anna again-"
"-We know!"
"YOU DON'T! It was a MISTAKE!" Elsa's voice was raw, her voice bounced off the floors and roared through the halls of the castle. "I was JUST a CHILD!" A hole went through the wall and she could see into the King's old study. "I was more worried and scared than ANNA was!" The crystal chandelier was down and it shattered all over the floor. "You shut me away! You took away my childhood! You made me think I was a monster!" Elsa shouted from her gut and she whipped her ice toward the King's first crown, blowing it apart. She was screaming over and over that, "YOU RUINED A PART OF ME!" Her body was wracked with sobs, and she continued to tear the room apart with her ice, destroying every last item her parents had. All the times she cried into her pillow begging for Anna in her room alone plays through her mind. All those times she begged her parents to let her out. All those times Anna slammed her fist against Elsa's door and Elsa had to ignore her while she rocked herself to sleep. "I'll never get that time back," she cried pitifully. She fell to her knees and Anna hugged her back, crying against her shoulder. "Get. Out. Of. My. Castle," Elsa growled in her parents' direction. Agnarr and Iduna shared a disturbingly neutral look and bowed their heads in Elsa and Anna's direction.
"We love you," the two whisper. It makes it to their children's ears but Elsa and Anna fail to respond besides spitting out a disgruntled and half-heartened, "goodbye." They blew away like snow in the wind.
….
Elsa had swallowed her cries, her body a mess; she was sore and wet in the face and she couldn't stand the sound of Anna's loud crying in her ear. Elsa struggled to turn in Anna's tight embrace, digging her knees into the hard wood and twisting her back, hearing it pop. She takes Anna's face and kisses at her tears every second one falls.
"El-SNIFF-Els Ic-HICK-I didn-HICK-they did-" Elsa's heart is knotting up in her chest like the overworked muscle it is. She shushes Anna and continuously presses her closed lips against Anna's snot covered ones until Anna calms down and starts weakly reciprocating. They're staring into each other's red and puffy eyes and Anna pants between every other word when she asks, "Did I ru-ruin them for-you?" Elsa swallows and it feels like her throat could bleed from the dryness. She touches the sides of Anna's cheeks with her thumbs and wipes away all of the tears.
"You h-ahum-helped me realize it wasn't all my fault." Anna looked at Elsa so bitter-sweetly it stung. "I hated myself over everything," Anna gives her such a miserable look, "I never understood that it wasn't all me. I made them out to be perfect. They weren't. I… it wasn't my fault," Elsa breathed, her voice horse and gritty. "I never knew." Anna kisses Elsa hard and grabs at her older sister's sore ribs.
"It wasn't. You were a girl. And so was I," Anna clears her throat and kisses Elsa one more time. "I wish I had spoken up for you. I tried to beg them Elsa I wanted you-"
"-I wanted you too," Elsa confirms. "I'm so fucking distraught," she laughs bitterly. Anna leans her forehead against Elsa's and they breathe against each other's warm mouths.
"It's over. Let's learn from it," Anna says, barely audible. Elsa opens her eyes and looks into Anna's.
"Ok," Elsa shakily says, holding Anna somehow tighter. "Tomorrow's a new day, right?" There's more hope to her voice at last, and Anna smiles faintly. "...I know the first thing I want to do." And she kisses Anna again.