Chapter Fifteen
"I have to lift the ban on magic," he realizes one day and doesn't realize he's said the words out loud until Merlin drops the basket of dirty laundry with a loud thump, gaping at Arthur. "I'll have to find a way to tell the people why and convince everyone I'm not enchanted and let our allies know and send announcements and—" Arthur stops because it all sounds rather overwhelming and he has absolutely no idea where to even begin.
He has no idea how he will ever begin to atone for the deaths the ban has caused.
"No," Merlin says and with that one word Arthur feels his world once again churning underneath him.
"What?"
"Arthur," but he hesitates or perhaps he doesn't know what he's going to say next. Arthur waits because so often he hasn't waited to listen to Merlin's advice, and he hopes to change that so he waits now even though he's impatient to understand. "Arthur, don't raise the ban because of me."
"Aren't you reason enough?"
Merlin shakes his head vehemently, "No, I'm not and I'm not being self-deprecating or anything like that, I'm serious Arthur. If you want to change the laws, it should be because you believe that it's wrong. You accept me, Arthur, even with magic but that doesn't mean your entire view on sorcery has changed."
Arthur swallows and looks away. He understands what Merlin is saying; he knows he has to choose what he himself believes before he can even start to change the way his kingdom is run. And if he doesn't believe in the new laws then the people will see no reason to follow them.
And nothing would change.
"And..." Merlin sighs heavily, "Arthur, you tend to overcompensate." Arthur frowns not in anger but in thought—Merlin has never listed this as one of his faults before, "If you decide that the way the law is now is wrong then you'll change everything, too fast and too soon and...and in the end it will just be a different kind of wrong."
That also made a certain kind of sense; all those things Arthur was listing as things he needed to do seemed to prove that point.
"Just...I think you need to figure out what you believe before you do anything. Figure it out for yourself—you deserve that much—and for your people," Merlin finishes.
"But don't you want to be free?" Arthur whispers sadly.
"I am free," Merlin replies firmly. And Arthur looks at him, really looks at him. He's still too thin and too pale; the gash across his face has faded to a vivid scar, there are marks around his wrists from chains, and underneath his clothes are still wounds that haven't yet scarred over and there are lies forever written into his skin.
But.
But he stands tall and that confidence that used to appear only when Arthur least expected it is there all the time now and wisdom shines from his eyes and there's a small smile resting on his face.
He looks happy.
He looks safe.
He looks like he's alright.
"You know and accept me, Arthur, and that's freedom enough for me," Merlin says in the same tone of voice he uses to call Arthur a prat, to tease him about his weight, to remind him that he's late for a council meeting. It's the same tone Arthur has gotten used to hearing day after day, a sign that things are fine, a reminder that Arthur is human.
And that's what gets to Arthur the most; the words are heavy with trust and promise but the tone, the voice is simply Merlin—not a servant, not a sorcerer, just Merlin.
So he nods. He will have to examine his beliefs and decide what is right for his kingdom but Merlin's correct, he must do it the right way.
But one day, he hopes, Merlin will be free for everyone to see.
Merlin heals.
The scars will never leave him just as the nightmares will never leave Arthur. They are both forever tainted by what Morgana did, but life goes on.
Arthur always sees Merlin, scars and all; he never asks how but he doesn't have to.
Merlin talks to Arthur often about so much; he answers questions Arthur is hesitant to ask; he shares tales almost impossible to believe but Arthur has no trouble wrapping his mind around them. There is still a lot left unsaid; secrets left unspoken and unasked for, stories too painful to relive and ears too heavy to hear. But it's enough.
It's enough to soothe the nightmares, to calm the fears, to tame the doubts.
It's more than enough.
His kingdom heals and in so doing his people relieve the pain deep in his soul. It's still there, he'll never be rid of it completely. But Gwen's gentle smile drives it away and Leon's steady steps behind him covers it and Gwaine's completely made up stories makes him laugh it away and Percival's arm across his shoulders pushes it away and Gaius' calm voice distances it and Geoffrey's proud nod of approval makes him forget about it for a moment and George's ridiculous jokes that aren't funny in the least distract him.
His people will never realize, will never understand just how much Arthur needs them but they are there for him all the same and for that he can only be grateful.