Time for the boys to epically fail at love! That said, there's going to be some sexual humor along with Miu making her first presence and all her lovely language and images that comes with her. XD Nothing worse than already in game though. Big thanks to Milk for brainstorming with me and my brother for elevating this chapter to the next level. Enjoy!

Shuichi entered the classroom building and approached his shoe locker. Walls of cubbies held clean shoes fit for indoor use. Around him ultimates chatted. Lockers banged. Hefting backpacks, students headed deeper inside. Shuichi breathed in the smell of shoe leather. He opened his locker.

On his shoes was an envelope.

Frowning, Shuichi opened it. He read it.

My dearest Shuichi,

I know writing a letter like this is weird, but I was too shy to tell you face to face. The other day I glanced over at you during gym class in your undershirt and shorts and it reminded me of something. This is a super embarrassing but when I was a kid, I always imagined having a prince that would sweep me off my feet. And knowing you have the strength to do that makes me really happy.

Your sweetheart, Kaede

Shuichi rocked back on his heels. Glanced around – no Kaede. Smiling, Shuichi tucked the letter in his backpack and headed towards class.

Shuichi sat at his desk in the back corner of the classroom, next to the window. Drumming his fingers on his desk, he scanned the room. Yawning, classmates held muted conversations. Dropped bookbags to the ground. Miu and Himiko slept on their desks. Kaede, back towards Shuichi, wrote something in her notebook. Only a few minutes left before the bell.

All right, now's my chance. Voice raised, Shuichi asked, "Is it hot in here?" He unbuttoned his pinstripe outer wear, revealing a thin muscle shirt. Rolled his neck and shoulders. Or is it just me? he thought, grinning.

Everyone turned to look. Frowned. Returned to their conversations. Kaede furrowed her brows. Met Shuichi's eyes. Kaede flashed a smile before turning around.

Shuichi's face burned. "Ahaha…" Looking away, Shuichi crossed his arms over his chest, hiding his undress.

A chair scraped back. "Here, bro!" Kaito stood over Shuichi offering his purple galaxy coat. He laid it over Shuichi's shoulders. "Hey, you look cool! Like a real hero."

Shuichi's eyes stung. Thanks, Kaito.

Kaito winked.

Sighing, Shuichi shucked off his backpack before the shoe lockers. Kicked off his shoes. Opened his cubby. A second letter awaited within.

To my Shuichi,

Whenever I'm playing the piano or composing, I always think about you. But I wonder what kind of song would you compose for me? If you write me a song, I'll put it to music, and then we will sing it to our children! Sounds good?

Forever yours, Kaede

After reading, Shuichi hurriedly stuffed the letter in a folder before jogging off to class. He smiled the whole way there.

Heart pounding, Shuichi stood amidst a busy hallway. He stood on his tip toes, looking for blond hair. There! "Kaede!" She turned around.

One hand to his chest, the other reaching out to her, Shuichi got down on a knee. Voice warbling, he sang, "Your cheeks, red as roses! Your hair, yellow like w-wheat and your eyes…"

Kaede glanced around at the other ultimates, as if trying to confirm Shuichi was singing to her.

"Y-your eyes, uh, purple like grape flavored gum…"

Kaede shifted on her feet. "Um, could you stop?"

Shuichi's arm dropped. A student coughed.

Kaede half turned away. Raised a hand. "Uh, I got to go to class now. Bye." She turned and walked away. Shooting him dirty glances, ultimates gave Shuichi a wide berth. Shuichi's hung his head.

"It's okay, bro!" Kaito walked up behind Shuichi and ruffled his hair. "Back in high school I wrote embarrassing song lyrics too."

"W-whatever." Shuichi covered his face with his hands. If only I had my hat…

The bell echoed in the empty hall.

Eyes closed, Shuichi rested his forehead against his shoe locker. He exhaled. Fumbled with the cubby door. A letter.

I want you, Shuichi. Only you. You entire.

Shuichi blinked. Rubbed his eyes. Read it again.

The letter fell from his hands.

"I can't believe I forgot my lab coat and goggles for science lab… Geez." Shaking her head, Kaede opened her full-length locker.

Arm overhead, Shuichi had crammed himself inside the locker, rose in his teeth. He wagged his eyebrows.

Kaede slammed the locker closed. She stomped off.

Witnessing the exchange, Kaito walked over and opened the locker. Kaito squeezed himself inside with Shuichi. "Hey. This is what you wanted, right?"

Scowling, Shuichi shoved himself outside and slammed it closed. Kaito rattled the shut locker. "Hey, don't leave me here! Do these things auto lock? Hey. Hey!"

Kaito sat at his dorm's kitchen table, sipping some coffee. A few feet away, Kokichi lounged across the couch, book in hand. Keebo cleaned the kitchen counter behind Kaito. Outside birds chirped.

"Kaito!" Shuichi burst out of his bedroom. He slapped an envelope down on the table. "I can't take this anymore! You gotta help me!"

"No."

"W-what?"

"I'm not helping you anymore. It's embarrassing."

"How do you think I feel?!"

Kokichi flipped a page in his book. "Like you got nooo shame."

"You shut up!"

Sighing, Kaito set down his coffee. Scratched his head. "Look, man. Anything you do for her now is just gonna make matters worse. You need to back off."

Keebo stacked dishes on the counter. He glanced over his shoulder. "We've had enough excitement already."

Shuichi plopped into a chair and slid down, groaning. "Ugh…"

Kaito pushed his empty plate of eggs away. "Why are you doing all this anyway? You're already dating."

Kokichi craned his head over the couch's back. "Unlike someone we knooow!"

"Shove it, rat face!" Kaito pushed out his chair. Held up a fist. "I'm gonna get a girl real soon! Just you watch. I just… I just don't understand why I'm having such trouble. Girls were all over me back in high school."

Shuichi raised a brow. "You are in high school."

"Back in high school, babes couldn't get enough of me, Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!" Kaito banged a fist on the table. "But here I can't get girls to notice me. So, so, so! I was thinking I gotta do something, like, huge. Like getting a blimp with a banner that reads 'you know you like me' or setting off fireworks in the shape of my face!"

Kokichi perked up. "I got a bungee cord. Wanna jump off a cliff?"

"Kokichi, no!" cried Keebo.

Huffing, Shuichi crossed his arms. "What are you talking about Kaito? You already a girl who likes you."

"I do?"

Shuichi, Kokichi, and Keebo chorused, "Maki!"

Kaito blinked. Leaned back against the chair. "Huh. Maki? Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, I DO like Maki!"

Groaning, Shuichi dropped his head on the table. Kokichi threw his book in the air. Keebo shook his head.

Standing up, Kaito waved his arm in a "come on" gesture. "Well, let's get going then! I gotta go confess!"

Shuichi glanced around. "What are we doing here?"

Kaito threw out his arms to the side. "Just look at where we are." The four roommates stood behind the dormitory building. Behind them lay the blue track field and Gundham's breeding shed. Kaito sucked in a deep breath. The wind carried the faint smell of nearby dumpsters. "All love confessions happen behind the school buildings!"

Brow raised, Keebo crossed his arms. He leaned against the cream stucco wall. "And why are we here?"

"Because you'll all take turns pretending to be Maki." Hand on chin, Kaito grinned. The sun shone off his teeth. "I wanna practice all my very best techniques."

"Gross," Kokichi called. He put his arms behind his head. "Buuut this actually sounds not so boring! Who doesn't want a good laugh?" Kaito glared.

Sighing, Keebo pushed himself off the wall. "Very well. I shall go first. Go ahead."

Chin held high and shoulders back, Kaito strode towards Keebo like a king walking down a red carpet. Kaito gazed evenly at Keebo. "Maki… I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Be mine."

"Do you want to die?"

Kaito froze, as if slapped.

Keebo held up his hands. "Was that too much? Using predictive analytics, I computed what Maki would most likely say in this situation."

Kaito buried his face in his hands. "That is what she would say, isn't it?!"

"Tch, nuh uh!" tsked Kokichi. "Kee-boy's got it all wrong. Here, I'll be next. Do me." Kokichi stepped forward. Eyes narrowed like Maki, Kokichi tossed his hair. "What do you want?"

"To be yours. I love you."

"Fuck off."

"Fuck you!"

"Please don't."

Holding his stomach, Shuichi burst out laughing. Tears pricked his eyes. Beside him, Keebo rolled his eyes.

Kaito ground his teeth. "Rrgh, Shuichi, get over here! I'll show you guys just how manly I am."

Waving a hand, Kokichi walked to the sidelines. "Oooh, okay sure. You do that."

Shuichi wiped his eyes. "All right, I'll try–Whoa!"

Kaito fisted the front of Shuichi's uniform and threw him into the dormitory wall. Kaito pressed a hand by Shuichi's head. Stood over Shuichi. "I can't hold it in anymore. I gotta let it go. It's full to bursting."

Shuichi's face flamed. "K-Kaito…?"

The astronaut leaned in. His eyes smoldered. "I'd do anything for you. You're my moon, my stars, my world. Nothing would make me happier…" Kaito raised the back of his hand by Shuichi's cheek. Kaito lowered his hand, his hand falling near Shuichi's body. "…than getting to know every bit of you. Let me give you my love. It's throbbing so har–"

"Hey there, fuckfaces!"

Kaito jumped back five feet. Everyone snapped their heads to see Miu running up to them, blueprints in hand. "Oh, fuck me. There you are, Keebs! I've been sweating my tits off running across campus for you. What were you do–?" Miu glanced at the stiff Kaito and Shuichi standing at attention like soldiers. "What are you creeps up to now?"

"N-nothing!" they chorused.

"Whatever, my precious time isn't worth wasting on you." Miu marched up to Keebo, pushed Kokichi aside with a "Move it, shota", and shoved the blueprints into Keebo. "Here. Get an eyeful of this! My newest invention!"

Keebo studied the design. "You're… You're going to make my head a disco ball?!"

"Fuck yeah I am! Last party we had you were sitting alone in the corner like some virgin. Now you can be the life of the party! Hyah-hahaha!" Waving, Miu walked off. "I'm not finished prepping yet so swing by my lab later. See ya, virgins!"

Snickering, Kokichi gazed at Keebo, hand over his mouth. Exhaling, Keebo closed his eyes. "Please refrain, Kokichi–"

Kokichi blurted, "Hey, with a translucent head, we can finally confirm there's nothing in there! That's great, Kee-boy. You're one ball closer to human. Now you need a second–!" Kaito punched Kokichi's stomach. "Ugh! Nee-hee… Ahahaha!"

Frowning, Shuichi crossed his arms. "I guess Kaito and I aren't the only ones with girl problems."

Brow raised, Kaito crossed his arms. "Yeah and speaking of, forget Kaede and Miu. You're supposed to be helping me out."

"Unfortunately, Shuichi, that is the case." Keebo shook his head. "Every other day she approaches me with ideas that are less and less… practical. How do I get her to stop? To… give me some personal space?"

Kokichi raised his hand. "Ooh, ooh, I know! Bug spray!"

Exhaling, Kaito scratched the back of his head. "You could lock her inside her lab, but Miu would probably still make inventions for you."

Shuichi held his chin. "Well if she thought Keebo was interested in someone else, Miu would probably step back."

Keebo spluttered. "W-what?"

Kaito asked, "But who?"

After a moment, Kokichi snapped his fingers. "I got it! I know just the thing."

Backpack over his shoulders, Keebo walked down a hallway. Outside the windows, cherry blossom trees bloomed. It's 1:27:48 pm. To get to class in time I need to pick up the pace–

Keebo rounded the corner. Froze.

Makeup was slathered on the vending machine's glass. Sparkly blue eyeshadow. Curly eyelashes made of mascara. Winking face with red, puckered lips. A paper taped to the machine read, "Love me, Kee-boy. Teehee~!"

Keebo did a 180 and walked away.

Kokichi stepped out from a classroom. "Hey, it was this or Hatsune Miku!"

Shaking his head, Shuichi opened the cafeteria doors. Students sat at the gray rectangular tables, chatting. Dishes clinked. The smell of takoyaki washed over the detective. Behind Shuichi, Kokichi huffed. "I can't believe Kee-boy didn't like his vending machine girlfriend we got him. That's just how heartless robots really are."

Kaito rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. "What are we gonna do for Keebo now? And I still dunno what I'm gonna say to Maki either…"

"At least you still have a chance with your girl. I blew mine." Shuichi sighed. He scanned the cafeteria for a place to eat. Their usual table by the floor-to-ceiling windows was free. "Let's just get some dinner. We can talk th–"

"Just what the fuck are you guys tryin' to pull?"

Shuichi stiffened. Miu marched up to them, Keebo trailing after her. Miu set her hands on her hips. "I know exactly what you goddam sack of sluts are up to!"

Shuichi stammered, "I-I don't know what you're talking about."

Swallowing hard, Shuichi glanced beyond Miu. Just behind the inventor, Kaede sat at a table with Maki, talking and laughing about something. Shuichi's heart pounded. Oh please don't look this way.

Miu stepped forward. Jabbed a finger at them. "Clear the shit outta your ears, you shits-for-brains! I'm Keebo's bitch and he's mine. He's not a part of your polyamorous love triangle!"

Shuichi's jaw dropped.

All conversation stopped. Dishes clattered. All ultimates turned to stare.

Face flaming, Kaito spluttered, "W-wha…?"

Kokichi blinked. "Our what now?"

Jaw set, Shuichi pointed his finger, throwing a truth bullet. "That's wrong!"

"Kh!" The bullet harmlessly bounced off of Miu. "Oh, don't fuck with me!" Miu pulled out a request form from between her breasts. She held it out. "Why else do you think Keebs asked to change dorms, huh?! Because you cock suckin' sluts were making too much noise at night!"

Crying out, ultimates stood up, chair clattering. "Ughs!" and "That's disgusting!" rang out in the room. Hand to her face, Sayaka exclaimed, "How awful!"

Shuichi shrunk back. I was wrong! Everyone thinks I'm a fraud.

Shuichi met Kaede's eyes. Lips parted, she stared. Shuichi felt like he was floating out of his body. I wish. I wish I was a worm. That way I would have a modicum more of self-respect than I do right now.

Kokichi stepped back. And again. He turned around, bolting towards the door.

Kaito seized Kokichi's upper arm. The astronaut hissed, "You run away and I will break every bone in your face." Kokichi whimpered.

Hand to his chest, Keebo shouted, "M-Miu, that's not it at all! They were only harass–"

"Like fuck it ain't. I saw you all gettin' hot 'n' heavy for each other yesterday."

Shuichi buried his head in his hands. "Oh my god, this is because of the pretend confessions with Kaito…"

Grunting, Kokichi shook off Kaito. The leader examined his nails. "If you guys can't understand we were just practicing, you're beyond help."

In the background, Byakuya tsked. "That's sick."

Hand on the table, Kaede rose from her seat. "I've seen enough." Maki stood as well, shooting the boys a dirty look.

"No, Kaede!" Hand outstretched, Shuichi stumbled forward. "Kaede, please. This was all for you. Everything I did…" Hand still outstretched, Shuichi fell to his knees. "All the love letters, taking off my shirt, and practicing with the boys… it was all for you!"

Kaede crossed her arms. "What are you talking about? What letters?"

"H-huh?"

Grimacing, Kaede shrunk back. "I never knew, but you're kinda creepy."

Shuichi turned to stone. Tears ran down his face.

Hair flying, Kaede strode towards the back exit. Maki shook her head, then turned to follow.

"Maki, wait!" Kaito ran forward and caught Maki's shoulder. At her venomous glare, Kaito backed up. "Listen, the guys were just helping me practice confessing to you. And that's the truth, I swear! You're the one for me, Maki Roll. There is no other."

Maki gazed at Kaito. Opened her mouth. Closed it. Tossing a ponytail over a shoulder, she looked away, blushing. "L-like whoever you want, I don't care." She followed Kaede out the door.

Kaito dropped to his knees beside Shuichi. "No, please care. Please caaaaaaaaare!"

Keebo shouted, "Please wait, Kaede! Maki! This is all a big misunderstanding. Everyone! I have definitive proof to counter all these false accusations. Behold!" Hands on his hips, Keebo projected a memory file onto the cafeteria wall. It showed Kaito leaning over Shuichi.

Kaito's low voice rumbled through the room. "I can't hold it in anymore. I gotta let it go. It's full to bursting."

People squealed. Mahiru shouted, "You men are disgusting!"

Above the clamor, Keebo shouted, "Please watch to the end."

"Nothing would make me happier than getting to know every bit of you. Let me give you my love."

"UGH!" Shielding their eyes, ultimates turned away. Some grabbed their dinner and walked out.

The projection faded from Keebo's eyes. "There, see!"

"W-w-what?" Miu stammered, trembling. "I figured it was bad, but not that fucked up… And Keebo, you… You're a part of that?"

"No, listen! We were assisting Kaito with his confession to Maki. And I asked to change dorms because they were harassing me about loving a vending machine! I just wanted you to give me more space!"

Miu shrank back. Tears and snot ran down her face. "S-space from me? B-but I was tryin' to help you with my brilliant inventions and you just… WAAAAAH!" Bawling, Miu fled out the door.

Maki sneered. "You lot are disgusting."

Kokichi picked his ear. "I liked Kaito's technique the best."

Maki grabbed a cafeteria knife. Lunged.

Kokichi bolted. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Kokichi pushed aside students. Stumbled over chairs. Maki chased him, throwing every utensil she could find at him. Kokichi's sobs rang throughout the school.

Fists balled, Shuichi, Kaito, and Keebo approached the body lying on the ground. Kokichi's limbs were splayed out like a squashed spider. Groaning, Kokichi lifted his head. Black eye. Split, bleeding lip.

Shuichi thrust his finger. Spat. "You wrote those letters from Kaede. You started all of this."

Keebo's eyes flashed red. Kaito cracked his knuckles. Lifted Kokichi up by his bandana.

"N-no… No!"

Kaito reeled back a fist.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Alternate Scene:

Heart pounding, Shuichi stood amidst a busy hallway. He stood on his tip toes, looking for blond hair. There! "Kaede!" One hand to his chest, the other reaching out to her, Shuichi got down on a knee. Voice warbling, he sang, "Your cheeks, red as roses! Your hair, yellow like w-wheat…"

Fuyuhiko raised a fist. "The fuck you say to me?!"

Shuichi shrank back. "F-Fuyuhiko? No. Please don't hurt m-NOOOOOOOOO!"

There, guys. I'm not biased against Kokichi. Shuichi got pummeled to death now too XD

Next chapter: The boys and their girlfriends go on a long, chaotic road trip!