The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is at a restaurant. I did make up one guy for this one story. And I just came up with an argument on why Lana getting married to someone new in the future may not be a possibility. Kind of obvious now that I think about it.
How To Get Banned From Argo Le Spa
"Mom come on," Lana groaned as she spoke into the phone at her desk. "You know how I feel about…Well yes I know I should move on but I don't know if it's too…But…Well all right. Fine. I guess dinner can't hurt. Where and what time? Well okay. Fine. I won't! I promise! I'll talk to you later. Good bye."
She hung up the phone. "Damn it…"
"What was all that about?" Ray asked as he walked into the office.
"My mother arranged a blind date for me," Lana groaned as she rubbed her temples.
"Well that's good isn't it?" Ray asked as he leaned back against the wall next to her. "You need to get back out there."
"I know," Lana groaned. "It's just the fact that my mother picked out a man for me that's embarrassing."
"I think it's the men you've actually dated that are even more embarrassing," Ray remarked. "Who did the matchmaker make a match for you?"
"An environmental professor named Edward Carlton," Lana said. "He's working on a PHD and his mother works with my mother at UC Berkley. He has a three-year-old daughter as well but she lives with her mother in Connecticut."
"Divorced?" Ray asked.
"Separated," Lana shrugged. "But they are in talks for a divorce."
"So, what's the problem?" Ray asked. "It's just dinner. It's not like you have to bone him. Where's he taking you?"
"Argo Le Spa."
"The Argo Le Spa?" Ray gasped. "One of the fanciest restaurants in LA? Scratch that, one of the fanciest restaurants in the world? He's taking you to Argo Le Spa?"
"Yeah," Lana sighed.
Ray whistled. "Oh well, then you definitely have to bone him."
"Ray!" Lana gasped.
"If you won't, I will!" Ray told her.
"You are impossible," Lana shook her head.
"But very flexible," Ray added. "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match…"
"Ray!" Lana hit him lightly in the arm. "Don't say anything to anyone!"
"Say anything to anyone about what?" Pam walked in eating a bearclaw.
"Nothing," Lana and Ray said at the same time.
"Aw, come on guys," Pam pouted. "Dish the dirt!"
"No!" Lana said.
"There is no dirt to dish," Ray said. "Our dishes are dirt less. Dawn has taken the dirt out of the way."
"Okay fine," Pam sighed. "CHERYL!"
"What?" Cheryl walked in with Krieger. "Are you shouting because Lana won't tell you about the blind date her mother set her up with?"
"CHERYL!" Lana shouted.
"God damn it, woman!" Ray snapped. "You were listening in on the phones again, weren't you?"
"Not just me!" Cheryl pointed to Krieger.
"Krieger!" Lana snarled.
"What?" Krieger asked. "We're a detective agency that used to be a spy agency."
"We're not supposed to spy on each other!" Ray snapped.
"Well it's not our fault," Cheryl protested. "There's nothing good on TV! That stupid government thingy is on."
"No dirt, huh?" Pam asked Ray smugly.
"This is none of your business," Ray said. "Pamela P. Always Has To Be Right."
"And it's especially none of Cyril's business!" Lana added. "You know how he gets."
"How who gets?" Cyril asked as he walked in. "Are you having a meeting?"
"No!" Lana and Ray said.
"Then why are you having one?" Cyril asked.
"It's not a meeting," Lana said.
"Is this one of those things when you say it's not a meeting, but it's actually a meeting about me?" Cyril asked. "Are you doing to me what we usually do to Cheryl?"
"It's not…" Cheryl paused. "What do you mean by what we usually do to Cheryl?"
"Tell me what's going on?" Cyril asked.
"There's nothing going on!" Ray said.
"Then why are you having a meeting about me?" Cyril asked.
"IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!" Lana snapped.
"Do you people have meetings about me behind my back?" Cheryl asked.
"It's not behind your back if you're passed out on the floor!" Pam snapped. "We have to keep finding new ways to hide the glue or else your last brain cell will shrivel up like the Wicked Witch of the West!"
"You just stand over me and talk about me while I'm passed out?" Cheryl asked. "Oh. That's totally different. Nothing like what we do to Cyril."
"So, you guys are having a meeting about me?" Cyril was stunned.
"It's not about you!" Ray said.
"Then why won't you tell me?" Cyril asked.
"They don't want to tell you about Lana's blind date she's having tonight with some guy her mother set her up with," Krieger explained. "Apparently they think it might be awkward for you."
"YOU THINK?" Ray groaned.
"Thanks a lot, Krieger!" Lana said sarcastically.
"You're going on a date?" Cyril was stunned. "With who?"
"With whom," Pam corrected.
"Who? Whom? Whatever!" Cyril snapped. "Who is it?"
"Some egghead named Edward Carlton," Cheryl said casually as she looked at her phone. "He's getting a divorce. His kid and his baby mama live in Conneticut. And they're going to Argo Le Spa."
"The one in Beverly Hills?" Cyril was stunned.
"No, Cyril," Ray said sarcastically. "The one on Mars!"
"If he's taking you to Argo Le Spa you so have to bone him!" Pam said to Lana. "I mean right in the bathroom bone him!"
"Pam!" Lana protested. "It's just dinner!"
"And we all know where that leads," Cyril grumbled.
"Don't you dare start with me!" Lana pointed at him.
"I'd like this guy to start with me!" Cheryl's eyes widened as she looked at her phone. "Sploosh!"
"You found him?" Pam looked at Cheryl's phone.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "Here's his Space Book account!"
Everyone went to look at the picture. "He is very nice looking," Krieger said. "Cyril you are so out of the picture!"
"God damn," Cyril whined.
"I'd shave my legs if I were you," Ray said to Lana.
"I'd shave pretty much everything if I was you," Pam whistled.
"I guess a quick shower and fixing my hair wouldn't hurt," Lana blinked as she saw the picture.
"Not as much as Cyril's chances of getting back with you," Cheryl grinned.
"I hate you so much…" Cyril glared at Cheryl.
"Look," Lana sighed. "Not that it's anyone's business…"
"Which honestly has never stopped this group before," Ray added.
"But I don't want to make a big deal about this date," Lana said. "I don't want you to…PAM!"
"What?" Pam was texting on her phone.
"Put the phone down Pam!" Ray warned.
"No! What?" Pam asked as she kept texting.
"Put the phone down!" Cyril and Ray shouted.
"What?" Pam snapped as she kept texting.
"God damn it woman!" Ray snapped as he tried to reach for the phone.
Pam slapped his hand away. "What's your problem bitch?"
"The problem is your big mouth and blabby hands!" Ray snapped.
"Pam don't send any texts!" Lana warned. "I don't want you to…"
Just then Lana's phone rang.
"Tell Mallory…" Lana groaned. She picked up the phone. "Hello Mallory…I…No! Mallory! My mother set us up! It's not my idea! It's not like I'm going to have sex with him!"
Back at the hospital…
"Lana you're going to Argo Le Spa!" Mallory said as she sat by Archer's bedside. Archer had a Happy Birthday pointy hat on him. "You have to have sex with him! Especially if these Space Book pictures are accurate. Don't forget to shave your legs. Scratch that. Shave everything below your nose!"
Mallory paused. "Lana if you don't have sex with him, I will! Seriously! But I'll settle for a doggy bag. Oh, and could you get me some cake? Nothing fancy. If they have Red Velvet, I'll take it."
She looked at Archer. "What do you care if you don't like Red Velvet? You're not going to eat it!"
Later that night at Argo Le Spa, one of LA's most exclusive restaurants…
"I can't believe the food here," Lana said as she ate her salad. She was wearing her best black dress, black pumps, a gold necklace and her hair was done up.
"I know" Edward Carlton was a handsome African-American man with a small mustache wearing a gray suit. "I've always wanted to go…Well with someone."
"Let me guess," Lana said. "You were expecting to go here with what you thought was the love of your life but life didn't turn out that way. Boy have I been there."
"Is it that obvious?"
"It gets better," Lana said. "At least that's what I tell myself. Thank God I have AJ. Focusing on her gets me through the day."
"You're lucky," Edward sighed. "My daughter is across the country."
"But she's so cute," Lana said.
"So's your daughter," Edward said. "I have to say, Lana. You are not what I expected. Most of the women my mother tries to set me up with are…Well…"
"I wasn't expecting this when I got up this morning, I can tell you that," Lana admitted.
"You didn't have anything important to do tonight, did you?" Edward asked.
"Uh…" Lana thought for a moment.
Meanwhile…
Mallory sat across from her son, who was still wearing the party hat. "Happy Birthday Sterling." She sighed as she took a drink.
"I just realized something," Mallory remarked as she looked at him. "This is pretty much how you spend half your birthdays anyway. Only this time I'm not paying for a prostitute."
Back to the restaurant…
"Nope," Lana said. "Not that I can think of."
"So, you're a detective," Edward changed the subject. "I never met a woman detective."
"It's not half as glamorous as TV makes it out to be," Lana said diplomatically. "A lot of my time is spent in the office. On the computer. And in meetings. And…working in marketing."
"Marketing?" Edward blinked. "In a detective agency?"
"You'd be surprised at some of the things that go into running a business," Lana said smoothly. "Some days I think I should have finished working on my doctorate."
"It's not exactly a picnic," Edward groaned. "I've been working on it for three years and still nowhere near my dissertation. I've had to take a job in advertisement just to pay the bills."
"Advertisement isn't bad," Lana said. "It's a good job."
"Yeah if you don't mind selling your soul every other week," Edward groaned. "Our latest account is a paper company whose printers keep catching fire. And they are responsible for at least three forest fires! I'm an environmentalist and I'm trying to sell a company that destroys forests and commits accidental arson! You have no idea what it's like to work for someone so unethical!"
Lana laughed slightly. "I may have an inkling of what that's like."
"From what you've seen as a detective?"
"Yeah let's go with that," Lana nodded.
"Working in advertising is…" Edward paused. "Not how I imagined my life would be."
"Preaching to the choir," Lana took a drink of wine.
"I guess that's why my wife left me because I wanted to give it up and…" Edward paused. "Sorry. I didn't mean to talk about her. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Believe me Edward," Lana said to him. "I am the last person to judge someone on baggage. My daughter's father got shot and is now in a coma. Not exactly…"
"Your ex-boyfriend and the father of your child is in a coma?" Edward gasped. "Your mother didn't tell me about that!"
"Filled you right in, didn't she?" Lana groaned.
"She said you broke up!"
"Technically we were on break," Lana admitted. "Then he decided to sleep with a crazy woman who shot him."
"I guess everyone has baggage," Edward smiled.
"Just gotta wait for the right person to help you carry it, I guess," Lana smiled back.
Lana felt a flutter in her heart as she looked at Edward's eyes. And for a moment she could imagine herself having a life with this man.
That moment crashed and burned the second she heard…
"LANA ARE YOU GONNA DO HIM OR NOT?" Cheryl's voice was heard. "I GOT TWENTY BUCKS ON YOU LANDING HIM!"
"Oh God no…" Lana groaned. "No, no, no…"
"GOD DAMN IT CHERYL!" Ray shouted.
"DO YOU NOT HAVE THIS NEW THING CALLED TACT?" Pam shouted.
"Who are they?" Edward did a double take as she saw the Figgis Agency dressed up walking towards them.
"These are my friends and coworkers," Lana sighed, knowing she couldn't lie her way out of it. "And Cyril Figgis is my ex-boyfriend…Who can't let me go and live my own life!"
"This wasn't my idea! I swear!" Cyril protested as they got to the table. "They told me we were going to a different restaurant!"
"Well we couldn't think of a different lie," Pam shrugged as they all grabbed some chairs to sit at the table. "HEY WAITER! WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME GRUB OVER HERE! DON'T BOTHER WITH THE MENU! JUST BRING US TEN OF EVERYTHING!"
"Ten?" Edward blinked. "But there's only…"
"Don't bother, Edward…" Lana sighed. "Trust me it will all be gone by the end of the meal. In fact, I wish you people would be gone by the end of the meal instead of stalking me!"
"It's not stalking if it's a group activity," Cheryl said. "Hello! I'm Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt. We may be having sex one day."
"CHERYL!" Pam and Ray shouted.
"Well I've had sex with Lana's other boyfriends!" Cheryl told them. "It's a statistical probability."
"Which is getting lower by the minute," Edward groaned. "Wait, Cheryl and/or Carol?"
"Don't ask," Lana groaned. "Who said you could sit here?"
"We did," Pam said. She turned to Edward. "Hey Ed! I'm Pam Poovey! Pleased to meet you! I'm one of Lana's best friends!"
"Pam…" Then realization hit Lana. "Oh, dear God you are…"
"Ray Gillette," Ray waved. "Lana's other best friend. Sorry about this but it was either let them do this or start another gazebo fire."
"We could still set a gazebo on fire later," Cheryl said.
"There are no more gazebos on your property!" Pam snapped. "You burned them!"
"I know," Cheryl waved. "We could just go to someone else's house and burn them."
"She's joking," Lana said quickly. "Why are you people here?"
"We wanted to see how your date was going," Cheryl said. "And I told Pam that even you could bang this hot guy. I mean you banged Cyril…"
"Enough!" Lana snapped. "I'm sorry Edward. Boundaries are practically a foreign language to these people."
"And considering my first language isn't English that's saying something," Krieger said. "Hi! I'm Dr. Krieger!"
"And I'm hungry," Pam said. "YO! WAITER! Bring food and drinks! Scotch! Lots of it! The drinks first!"
"Seriously guys," Lana glared at them. "Even for you…"
"Oh, come on Lana," Pam said as waiters brought them some food (clearly sensing that a hungry Pam was not to be trifled with). "He was going to meet us sooner or later. Might as well yank that band-aid off now."
"If only we could put some duct tape on your mouth!" Cyril snapped. "I'm sorry Edward, but meddling in other people's lives is what they live for! Since they don't have any of their own!"
"Actually, I'm only here because I had nothing better to do tonight," Krieger admitted. "I think."
"I had the same feeling too," Ray realized. "That there's something else that's going on we don't know about."
"I have a weird feeling that we're forgetting something," Pam realized. "I've had it all day."
"Me too," Krieger blinked.
Meanwhile…
Archer was still in the coma. Wearing a party hat.
Mallory sighed as she took another drink. "You know the only reason I don't tell those idiots about this is because they'd probably do some kind of Weekend at Bernie's thing."
Back to the restaurant…
"Oh my God!" Cheryl gasped. "I know what we forgot! We had tickets to Weekend At Bernie's the Musical!"
"That's next week," Ray told her.
"Oh right," Cheryl snorted. "Duh!"
"Is it a TV show we're forgetting?" Pam asked. "I still feel like we're forgetting something."
"Well if it's a TV show we can just watch it online or something tomorrow at work," Cyril said. "But I honestly think we're not forgetting anything important."
"I know you don't think we're forgetting anything important," Pam said. "So, it's gotta be something we think is important!"
"How about my privacy?" Lana snapped. "That's pretty important!"
"Nah," Cheryl shook her head. "Not really."
"Weekend at Bernie's the Musical?" Edward asked. "I've never heard of that. Is that an off-Broadway play?"
"Very off," Krieger said. "It's going to be held in our basement. As soon as I find the right dead guy."
"He's joking," Lana said quickly.
"I am?" Krieger blinked. Lana glared at him. "Oh right. I am. Ha. Ha. I'm a kidder."
"So…" Edward was a little stunned. Especially when Pam started chowing down on the food. "You all work with Lana at the detective agency?"
"Technically Lana works for me but yes," Cyril sighed as he got a drink from a waiter that just happened to pass by with a scotch for another customer. "Not that anybody cares about that…"
The waiter gave Cyril a glare and went to get another drink.
"Any of you do any marketing like Lana?" Edward asked.
"Marketing?" Pam snorted. "You mean when it's Lana's turn to distribute fliers?"
"Pam!" Lana snapped.
"Flyers?" Edward asked.
"Let me show you," Pam grinned as she pulled out a pink flyer from her pocketbook. "Some of my best work! The dog's name is Furlock Bones!"
"Furlock Bones?" Edward blinked as he looked at the flyer
"It's a play on words of the name Sherlock Holmes," Cheryl said as she grabbed a drink from another waiter delivering to another customer. "Famous detective? Read a book!"
"We've been plastering these bastards all over town," Ray admitted. "Usually I do it."
"That's because you're the fastest," Pam said. "With your bionic legs."
"His what?" Edward asked.
"Ha, ha…" Lana said in a strained tone. "Pam's a kidder. She means Ray runs very fast and nothing else."
"Huh?" Pam blinked.
"Oh my God Pam!" Cheryl said as she downed her drink. "He's not supposed to find out about cyborgs in the first episode he shows up in! Maybe later? When he finds out that Lana banged Barry Dylan!"
"Cheryl thinks that she's in a TV show," Lana sighed. "It's best to humor her and not pay attention to anything she says!"
"Who's Barry Dylan?" Edward asked.
"Just a guy Lana banged who turned into a cyborg," Cheryl said. "Then became head of the KGB and banged Archer's fiancé who ran off with him and then she became the head of the KGB…"
"We just humor Cheryl," Ray explained to Edward. "She has an unfortunate condition. She wasn't born with any common sense!"
"She's not the only one who lacks it," Lana glared at them. "Or common decency. Seriously, do you people have to stalk me?"
"Oh, listen to this one!" Pam rolled her eyes. "This from a woman who broke into a doctor's office to steal her ex's sperm so she could get knocked up by him because she's so into him she can't get over him!"
"What?" Edward gasped.
"I know," Cyril sighed as he finished his drink. "It was so unnecessary. Considering how Archer gives it away for free."
"He knocked up a hooker," Krieger explained. "Well possibly a lot of hookers."
"He also cheated on Lana right and left," Pam explained to Edward. "Which gave Lana a complex. Of course, it didn't help that Cyril also cheated on her while they dated."
"I was being blackmailed by Cheryl!" Cyril pointed to Cheryl. "And I have a sex addiction!"
"Not a real thing!" Lana bristled.
"It is in this group," Ray said as he casually took a drink from yet another waiter. The waiter glared at him. "Take a picture sweetie, it will last longer."
"Oh my God!" Krieger gasped. "I just remembered! Today is important!"
"What?" Ray asked. "What is it?"
"It's right here on my calendar!" Krieger showed them his phone. "Today is National Bearclaw Day!"
"I knew there was something!" Pam snapped her fingers. "How the hell did I forget that?"
"Pam loves bearclaws like whales love krill," Ray explained to Edward. "And eats them practically the same way."
"Hey it's not like I sniff glue like Glue-lla DeVil over here," Pam pointed to Cheryl.
"She does what now?" Edward did a double take.
"Don't ask," Ray sighed. "So, I hear that you are getting your environmental studies doctorate. That's interesting."
"No, it's not," Cheryl groaned. "I want to hear more about why he's getting a divorce from his wife. Did you cheat on her or did she cheat on you?"
"CHERYL!" Lana, Cyril and Pam shouted.
"Rude much?" Ray snapped.
"What?" Cheryl asked. "It's a valid question! Especially considering that all Lana's boyfriends cheat on her at one time or another."
"Not all of them have…" Lana bristled. "Just Archer and Cyril! Those two are the ones that gave me a trust issues complex!"
"Excuse me?" Cyril barked. "You're the one who gave me a trust issues complex with all the times you hung out with Archer! You think I didn't notice how you drooled over him every chance you got?"
"That's true," Pam admitted.
"Pam!" Lana snapped.
"What?" Pam protested. "I saw you looking at Archer a couple of times like I look at a cheeseburger. I'm not saying what you did was wrong…"
"Not to mention the time you screwed every person in the office on my desk!" Cyril shouted. "That's why I had a mental breakdown!"
"I didn't really screw every person in the office on your desk!" Lana snapped. "I just let them pay me so they could say I screwed every person on your desk!"
"Yeah the only pro bono boner she gave was me," Pam explained. "And I certainly didn't hear any complaints."
"Hang on," Edward said. "Lana, you dated Cyril and Archer…And Pam?"
"It was more like a one-time thing," Lana coughed.
"Yeah I slept with almost everybody at the office," Pam nodded. "I also slept with Archer, Cyril, Krieger, Cheryl, Scatter Brain Jane…"
"Let me see if I get this straight," Edward looked at Lana. "You are working in an office with not only your former boyfriend, but several other people you have slept with?"
"I didn't sleep with Krieger!" Lana pointed out. "Or Ray!"
"Well technically you did," Pam said. "Remember the Mountain of Death?"
"That was different!" Ray snapped. "We were stuck in a tent during a snowstorm during an assassination mission and we had to sleep naked to share body heat! And I was the DMZ between Lana and Archer who by the way kept grabbing at my balls in his sleep! So…"
"Assassination?" Edward gasped.
"We used to be spies," Lana admitted. "But that was a long time ago!"
"Too long ago according to most viewers," Cheryl nodded.
"But there was no real sex in that tent," Ray added. "At least on Lana's end."
"What?" Lana looked at Ray.
"Archer is a real grabby hands in his sleep!" Ray protested. "I had to defend my honor!"
"What honor?" Pam snickered.
"Okay the point is that I never slept with Ray!" Lana said. "Or Krieger."
"Well not technically…" Krieger paused.
"The stupid sex robots don't count!" Lana shouted.
"Sex robots?" Edward did a double take.
"I wasn't talking about that," Krieger waved. "You know how everyone says that when you sleep with a person you've slept with everyone they've slept with?"
"That can't be a thing," Lana said.
"That is a thing," Cyril said. "Wait a minute. Krieger you slept with both Cheryl and Pam. And I slept with both Cheryl and Pam…"
"Which means you technically slept with Krieger," Pam said. "And since both of us also slept with Archer and Lana…"
"You slept with Archer too!" Krieger said. "And so did I!"
"Oh, dear God…" Lana groaned.
"And technically…" Krieger looked at Ray.
"DON'T SAY ANYTHING MORE KRIEGER!" Cyril groaned. "For the love of God please don't!"
"Hey!" Cheryl realized as she looked at Lana. "That means we also had sex and you didn't choke me!"
"Keep talking Cheryl," Lana glared at her. "I just might!"
"Tease!" Cheryl snickered.
"What's this about sex robots?" Edward asked.
"Don't ask," Lana said. "It's the nitwit Nazi's idea!"
"I am technically not a Nazi," Krieger protested. "Okay I'm a Nazi science project but…"
"He's a what?" Edward blinked.
"Don't ask," Everyone else at the table said.
"These are the people you work with?" Edward was stunned as he looked at Lana. "And hang around with?"
"And lived with!" Cheryl said. "Like back in New York in Tunt Manor. Or that week we travelled to LA in that RV when we got blacklisted from being spies because the wrong guy died…"
"And those three weeks when we lived in that palace when we overthrew the government of San Marcos," Pam added.
"You overthrew a government?" Edward was stunned.
"Accidentally!" Lana protested. "That was more Cyril anyway!"
"How do you accidentally overthrow a government?" Edward asked.
"Well it helps if you're driving a large tank," Cyril explained.
"Okay Edward I can see by the look in your eyes you're a little…" Lana winced. "Shocked."
"That's one way to put it," Edward groaned as he took a drink. "Way to go Mom! Thanks a lot!"
"I know this group of people I hang around with is a little…weird," Lana paused. "They can be extremely inappropriate with things they say. But they're not all bad. Deep down they're mostly normal."
"Hello!" Mitsuko floated in. "Mitsuko is sorry she's late but she had a hard time finding the place! Not enough wi-fi here."
"Okay forget the normal," Lana admitted. "They're kind of Addams Family weird."
"I think we make the Addams Family look like conservatives," Pam snorted as she took a drink from another waiter.
"I am never letting my mother set me up again," Edward groaned as he took a drink. "Can I have a scotch? PLEASE!"
"Just bring the whole bottle," Lana groaned.
"Who are you calling weird?" Krieger was a little offended. "You're not exactly a hundred percent normal either!"
"Compared to most of you I am!" Lana snapped. "At least I'm not dating a hologram!"
"Well at least I know Mitsuko won't steal my sperm!" Krieger snapped.
"Who would want it?" Pam asked. "I'm seriously asking!"
"I hate to say this Lana," Ray said. "But Krieger has a point. You're just as weird as the rest of us."
"I used to be normal…" Cyril sighed. "A long, long, long time ago. And then I decided to go work at a spy agency. Why not I said to myself. It will be full of glamor and excitement I said. It was a step up from being a public defender. How bad could it get I said?"
"I am not weird!" Lana protested.
"You've done some kind of weird things," Pam said.
"Like Pam," Ray quipped.
"Hey-O!" Pam laughed.
"Okay I admit that I borrowed Archer's sperm," Lana sighed. "So, I could have a baby. It was a minor lapse in judgement."
"It was a major felony," Ray quipped.
"And I was once a spy who did some…" Lana paused. "Questionable things…"
"Like the assassinations, the honeypot missions," Cheryl counted off. "The cocaine cartel."
"Cocaine cartel?" Edward was shocked.
"More like a cocaine giveaway…" Lana was embarrassed. "It was a stupid deal we got mixed in with the CIA."
"The CIA?" Edward gasped.
"Stealing diamonds," Cheryl counted off. "Stealing a race car during the Grand Prix. Robbing people's houses. Stealing other cars. Helping defile corpses…"
"That was more Krieger and you know it!" Lana protested.
"Hang on again!" Edward gasped. He looked at Lana. "You stole your ex-boyfriend's sperm? To have a baby?"
"Yes!" Lana groaned. "I admit it! I was a bit hung up on Archer! Because I still loved him and I wanted his child!"
"Who's the stalker now?" Cheryl snickered.
"But I'm getting over him," Lana said.
"The man is in a coma," Ray said. "You don't have much of a choice."
"I know that look," Cyril sighed as he looked at Edward. "I had that look once. The first time I met these people. Now I'm one of them."
"This is actually one of my first dates after Archer," Lana explained. "Which is really not going well…"
"You think?" Edward groaned as he finally got some scotch. "Never, ever again!"
"Hey you think this is a lot," Pam said to Edward. "You should be glad Archer in his mother aren't here!"
"Yeah we're the nice ones!" Ray agreed.
"You know what would have been nice?" Lana snapped. "If you people minded your own business and let us…"
That was when she saw it. It was more of a reflex than anything else when she noticed a couple of men staring at her from another table. One of them made a suspicious movement and had a glare in his eyes.
"Oh shit!" Lana snapped as she pulled her gun out. "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!"
"Vendetta!" The man screamed in Italian as he pulled a gun out and started firing at them.
"GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" Ray screamed as he pulled out his guns from their holsters.
"SHIT!" Pam swore as everybody dove under tables. Soon there was a wild gunfight in the restaurant with people screaming, dishes and glasses breaking and food everywhere.
"STUPIDO!" One of the men with a gun screamed at the first man.
"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRREE!" Cyril screamed as he pulled out a gun from a hidden holster.
The man who started the gun fight was the first to get shot and fell down dead. "That's what you get for starting a fight, dumbass!" One of the other Italian men snapped at him in his native tongue.
"Where did you get a gun?" Lana snapped as they moved to another table and turned it over for better cover.
"Krieger made me one when I got a license," Cyril said. "I thought since I would be a detective…"
"DUCK!" Ray shouted before the next round of fire.
"EEEEE!" Cheryl screamed with glee as the gunfight went on. "GOD, I LOVE DATE NIGHT! EEEE!"
"YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS?" Edward screamed as he cowered with the others.
"It would be weirder if she wasn't…" Pam sighed. She then saw something. "Hang on…"
Meanwhile Mitsuko had gone into action. "Hello! Gaijin! Can't shoot me!" She taunted as she flew around them. "WHEEEE!"
The gunmen tried to shoot Mitsuko pointlessly, swearing in frustration that they couldn't kill her. "I know just how you feel!" Krieger called out.
This was all Lana, Ray and Cyril needed to shoot several of them dead. Some of them were just wounded and prepared to fire at them.
That was when Pam launched a tray full of flaming cherries jubilee right at them. "Here it comes boys!" Pam whooped. "Nice and hot!"
As expected, the tray tipped and before anyone knew it, one of the men shooting at them was caught on fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" He screamed writhing in pain.
"EEEEEEE!" Cheryl screamed. "BEST DATE NIGHT EVER! LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF THE BURNING DEAD GUY!" She grabbed Edward.
"GET OFF OF ME!" Edward screamed.
"We surrender!" One of the remaining shooters screamed. "We surrender!"
"That's right bitches!" Pam whooped. "You don't want to mess with us!"
"Uh Pam…?" Ray coughed when he saw what was behind them.
"FREEEZE! POLICE!" Several armed officers pointed guns at them.
"And here come the police…" Lana groaned as she put up her hands.
A few hours later Lana and Edward were standing alongside the road. They looked at the restaurant which was surrounded by police, fire engines, ambulances and several news trucks. "Well at least I wasn't arrested this time," Lana sighed. "Good thing that restaurant had cameras that proved the other guys shot first. And they were wanted by Interpol."
"This time?" Edward glared at her. "You've been arrested before? I ask not really surprised."
"Well…" Lana sighed as they stood at the side of all the chaos. "It's never a good sign a date goes well if there's gunfire."
"So, this has happened to you before?" Edward shouted, his voice getting higher. "People just randomly shooting at you in the middle of a restaurant?"
"Yeah a few times…" Lana admitted. "This is the first time in a long while."
"Let me get this straight…" Edward was shocked. "You're a former spy/assassin turned detective who stole her ex-boyfriend's sperm to have a baby? While running around with weirdoes, most of whom you've slept with…? And some kind of hologram ghost woman? And get into firefights on a regular basis?"
"If it's the sperm stealing thing that's turning you off," Lana tried to explain. "That was a more of a one-time thing…"
"So is this date!" Edward shouted. "There is one good thing about this. I thought my wife was a high maintenance tightly wound bitch. But apparently there is a level way worse than that!"
"You said so yourself," Lana pointed out. "Everyone has baggage!"
"This isn't baggage!" Edward shouted. "Baggage is something you carry around. It doesn't follow you everywhere or is filled to the…This…This is a full-blown airport crammed with baggage upon baggage and the only destination is Hell!"
"We're not having another date, are we?" Lana sighed.
"We're not even going to stay in the same zip code if I can help it!" Edward shouted. "I gotta get out of here!" He ran away.
Lana sighed. "My mother is so going to be pissed."
The following morning at the Figgis Agency…
"We can add another place we're banned from," Cyril said to the Figgis Agency in the bullpen the following morning.
"Banned from Argo everyone!" Pam, Krieger and Cheryl sang loudly. "Banned from Argo just for having a little fun!"
"SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted.
"Hey!" Ray snapped. "We didn't ask those assassins to attack us at dinner! Argo shouldn't ban us for that!"
"Not just that," Cyril sighed. "Although Lana pulling her gun out first and shooting the assassins didn't help."
"Fine! Next time I'll let the assassins shoot us!" Lana snapped. "Thank God I had a gun license with me this time."
"And you said you'd never need it," Krieger said smugly. "You're welcome!"
"How did Krieger get you a gun…?" Cyril realized something. "It's fake isn't it?"
"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes. "How do you think I'm able to keep Liza and Barbara?"
"Okay so who were those guys?" Pam asked. "What specific reason did they have to go after us?"
"They were from a faction of the Camorra," Cyril said. "Apparently some of them are still miffed about that incident with the Pope."
"But that was years ago!" Ray gasped.
"Back in Season Four to be precise," Cheryl was stunned. "That was a long time ago!"
"Yeah here's the thing about radical Italian gangsters," Cyril explained. "Some of them are still upset about people who killed their family members over a hundred years ago! Crazy I know!"
"Then why did they shoot at us in the restaurant instead of waiting until we left so not to make a scene?" Ray asked. "And why were they in the restaurant in the first place?"
Cyril explained some more. "They were meeting with a client who wanted to destroy a rival cartel. One of them recognized us and said something to his friends. Unfortunately, one of those guys was a newly promoted hothead who wanted to make a name for himself…"
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "We've seen that before."
"Look the good news is that nobody is pressing charges," Cyril said. "And those assassins and the surviving members of the other cartel had a huge bounty on them. Which we were able to use to pay off our bill and the fines."
"That's the only good news. Edward has fled to Connecticut to go back to his wife," Lana sighed. "Apparently this date scared him straight."
"You mean he saw what was out there and realized he didn't want it?" Ray asked.
"Precisely," Lana groaned. "Long story short, his mother doesn't want to be friends with my mother anymore. And Edward and his wife are working things out. Apparently, she couldn't find anyone better either."
"Well that's good isn't it?" Ray asked. "Oh, don't look at me like that Lana. You know you and he weren't gonna last anyway."
"We didn't even get a chance to start let alone last!" Lana snapped. "Thanks to you idiots!"
"At least a marriage was saved," Pam pointed out.
"Yeah Edward's mom never did like his wife," Lana sighed. "She's really not happy how this all turned out. That's another reason why his mom and my mom aren't friends anymore."
"Some people are just so picky," Cheryl scoffed.
"My mother isn't exactly thrilled with me either," Lana sighed. "From what I gathered on my voice mail. Krieger why the hell did you bring Mitsuko?"
"She wanted to come!" Krieger protested. "Hey, she made a good distraction so you could shoot those guys! Don't knock it!"
"I should knock your teeth out," Lana grumbled. "Plus, Mallory keeps calling me asking me if I got her any Red Velvet cake. I'm not telling her no!"
"Well let's get her some," Pam said. "We can go visit Archer!"
"Yeah!" Cheryl said. "And maybe pick up some cute doctors or male nurses?"
"I'm in," Ray grinned.
"I pass," Cyril groaned. "Besides not caring about Archer, I think I'll pass on exposing myself to any new diseases."
"I'm in!" Krieger said cheerfully. "To the Rush Van!"
"Then to the erotic cake shop!" Pam called out as they left.
"Oh my God that will drive Ms. Archer insane!" Cheryl laughed.
"She's not the only one being driven insane," Lana sighed.
"What happened last night wasn't your fault you know?" Cyril said to Lana.
"I know it wasn't my fault!" Lana told him. "And it wasn't your fault the other idiots dragged you into this."
"I really should know better by now," Cyril groaned.
"Guess I should have too," Lana groaned. "That a normal nice guy is just not in the cards for me. At least right now."
"For what it's worth I really am sorry for what happened," Cyril sighed.
"I know," Lana sighed.
"You want to go for a coffee?" Cyril asked.
"Why not?" Lana sighed as she got her purse. "Just let me reload in case we run into someone else!"
"Like our idiot friends?" Cyril asked.
"Yuuuup," Lana nodded.