(Four)

It's raining and I want to smoke without ruining my interior; car, not lungs—they're already fucked. So, I jump out and light up on Ally's porch.

I give them two hours before they're home. Ally might act like the perfect daughter, but her tolerance with Mom has its limits, same as me.

Our family dinners always start with small talk; then the condescension and criticism get served up, right before the final course of disappointment. And if you get to coffee—you might as well put a bullet through your skull. No wonder I can't stand the stuff.

I hate that Ally's so pissed with me, but the fact she's not holding back, not treating me like I could implode at the slightest thing, is refreshing. Or it would be if she wasn't so pissed. I wouldn't care if most people in my life stopped talking to me, but Ally is different. She knows me better than anyone—probably better than myself. I shouldn't have punched Jasper.

I shouldn't have done a lot of stuff.

I'm freezing sitting out here—there's an arctic blast according to CNN. I know where Ally keeps the spare key, but she'll freak out if I let myself in. So, I wait.

They last two and a half hours. I'm impressed. They take forever to get out of the car, though, which shaves a few minutes off my admiration. My fingers are numb by the time she walks past me and slams the door in my face.

Jasper shrugs.

"Is Al okay?

"You should ask her that yourself," he says, and I really fucking hope he's going to invite me inside so I can, but he doesn't move an inch.

"Look, I'm sorry—"

"I shouldn't have said what I did," he interrupts, and I want to agree, but I bite my tongue. "You've gotta stop fucking around, Ed. Ally needs you. She needs someone to rely on, so you gotta pull yourself together."

"I'm working on it."

"Well, try harder." His expression is grim, and I should feel bad, but he's starting to piss me off again. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that he can be a real dick—which, in my eyes, is most of the time. Jasper's a "snap-out-of-it" person. He doesn't get that it's not that easy. I wish it were.

"Can you ask her to come out and talk to me?" I ask, before I say something worse.

He sighs and shakes his head. "I can ask her, but she might not want to. She's kinda emotional at the moment as it is. So take it easy, okay? If she wants you to go, just do us all a favor and leave."

"I just want a minute."

"I'll see what I can do." He leaves me standing in the dark.

I wait for a minute, then five, then ten. She doesn't come out. And I don't knock.

I really fucked it up this time.

I hadn't meant to scare her—sometimes I lose my shit, and I don't think.

I didn't know she'd been trawling the streets, bars, clubs, hospitals, the river.

I didn't know she was terrified she'd lost me for good.

I didn't know she was pregnant.

Jasper told me after I'd punched him. After he said I was going to kill her, just like I'd killed my father. After I'd disappeared for three days like the selfish prick I've always been.

You'd think being sober would have cleared up my asshole traits, but it seems they're here to stay.

Shame, because people used to say I was a good guy. Once upon a time.

I drive back into the city. Having my car and nowhere to be, I take the long way home. It leads me past the one place it shouldn't. The one place I can't seem to stay away from. It pushes my limits every time I see her, like one of those twisted games Ally used to play with her friends when we were kids.

Truth: You should go home.

Dare: You should go into the restaurant.

Truth: You don't know anything about her.

Dare: Talk to her.

Truth: You need to stop coming here.

Dare: Take her home with you.

Truth: She will ruin you.

Dare: Let her.

AN: Thank you to everyone reading and reviewing. Kim, Choc, and Cat keep me sane. Love them all and you guys.

Sparrow xx