No. The cab joke wasn't funny anymore. Now, I could call as many cabs as I wanted, being out of the ward. I could smoke as many cigarettes as I wanted, too, and most importantly I was free. Seriously free. After a little more than eight years. And that wasn't the first time Susanna had kissed me either. Well, I initiated the kiss, but she kissed me back that time we ran away from that place because I was an expert at running away. Was I a dyke? Who cared. I wasn't diagnosed as a sociopath anymore, because I had broken down from Susanna's words. No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Which was why I had to get better. I got Susanna's number after I had met her for the first time in years, rather ran into her at Harvard Square, and she helped me with the kid sometimes but I told her I didn't want to take advantage of her.
She ended up meeting me at my apartment after I had gotten in touch with her. The kid was at preschool when we were hanging out.
"Wow. You not wanting to take advantage of people?" Susanna joked and then laughed. "You really have changed, Lisa. I'm proud. I do miss the old you, though."
Yeah. She was right. In the ward, literally all I did was take advantage of people.
She kissed me again. "That's what you get for being good." She said.
"A kiss? I'm fine with that." I said. "I'm not taking advantage of you, by the way. And the old me is still somewhere inside me."
"I know you're not. Do you ever think of Daisy?" Susanna asked me.
"Yeah." I said. "Especially since I pushed her buttons. I was just so jaded. I never thought of what I said until you came along."
Shut the fuck up! Susanna had said to me, when I had pushed Daisy's buttons too far. How was I supposed to know she would kill herself the next morning? All I cared about were the pancakes I wanted. To go to Florida. I wanted Susanna to come with me, but she called an ambulance and waited. Because she was a good person. Fine. Be stupid. I remembered telling her. But it was so good seeing her again. She was the one who had let us into her apartment, Daisy. It looked pretty lonely without us there to keep her company so maybe that's why she decided to let us in. Until...you know. Suicide.
"It wasn't your fault she killed herself, you know." She said. "I'm sorry if I made you think like that."
"Well, I did push her buttons, but I know. What I don't miss is Valerie watching us shave our legs."
"Yeah. I don't miss that either." She laughed. "Or being depressed. Where's your three year old?" She asked.
"Oh. Preschool." I said.
"So, really no husband, huh?" She asked.
"No, Susanna. I'm a whore." I said.
"No, you're not." She said. "You've really been blowing boys for money?" She asked.
"I told you. I don't know how to keep a stable job." I said. "But goddamn, I've been in that institution since I was twelve and it feels so good to be free."
"I bet." She said.
I didn't really talk about my past much in the ward. In fact, most of it was a mystery except to me which was what I liked about it. One thing was for sure, though. That I didn't have a good relationship with my parents.
That I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wished I were dead? When I got out of Claymore, though, I realized I couldn't make a profession from getting into trouble or rather causing trouble. I was pretty much the queen of the hospital because it had been my home for the past more than eight years. I couldn't be a bully to my kid, though, like I had been to the patients and that was something I knew.
"I'm not skipping my meds anymore." I told her.
"That's great." She said.
"Yeah. And I don't have to seduce guards anymore to stop them from telling on me." I said. "So, what's your relationship status?" I asked.
"Single." She said.
"But you said-"
"I told you my relationship won't last, Lisa." She cut me off. "I am a dyke, as you said. I had a crush on you in the hospital. I pretty much idolized you. For being a rebel."
It was clear that we loved each other, at least to us.
"Yeah. That's why I kissed you." I said. "You're the one person I warmed up to in the ward. That doesn't happen often."
I ended up complying with therapy, too, to get out of there. I learned it was better than fighting it. And lived a somewhat mediocre life. Really free than how I thought I was.
"Well, I'm getting divorced." She said.
"From that guy who gave you a blowjob?" I asked.
She looked embarrassed. "No. Some other guy." She said. "Toby thought it was crazy I didn't want to leave, because I had friends in there. And I never thought I would see you years later."
"Me either, Susanna." I said. "Hey, now we can still go to Disneyland. Follow our dreams and all that crap. The kid would love that."
"Yeah. Now I wish I never took that bottle of Asprin." She joked. "And I would love to hang with your kid."
Our hands intertwined.
"I can fuck your brains out right now." I said boldly.
"Okay." She said after she blushed.