Note from the writer: Hey guys, it's been a million years since I updated this story here but I've been getting some messages lately asking me to finish this. It's actually been completed for a while on another site, I honestly tired a bit of the mechanics here on this site, but for those who've wanted it I'll post the rest of the chapters here too, there are 58 in total so 11 more to go after this. I'll post one each day. I won't summarize what's happened so far, if you want to I suggest reading it from the beginning if you are interested, I have gone back and cleaned up the previous chapters as well, regarding spelling and some touching up. Here we go, enjoy!

Ashe

After Cullen left her alone in her chambers, she stayed there a long time. She needed to think, to really think this time. She couldn't continue like this, couldn't just keep on letting chaos into her life. Things had spiraled out of control for far too long, and as soon as Cullen was out of her sight, she swore to herself that she would sort out what she truly wanted, what she needed, without any of the men in her life present. They always distracted her from thinking clearly.

After hours and hours of quiet contemplation, the answer to why her life had been thrust into chaos was clear to her. She absolutely hated admitting it, but she could no longer keep the truth of what she had done from staring her in the face.

She had caused all of this. There was no way around it. Intentional or not, she had driven Alistair and Cullen both to these extreme actions. She had even managed to drag Hawke into this somehow. Even how she had acted with Anders when she had been a young girl had come back to bite her. They all had a responsibility for what they had done, of course, especially Anders. But if she hadn't been so impulsive, so selfish…

So immature, she thought through gritted teeth. The one thing she detested other people seeing her as was the only thing she could think of to explain her past behavior now. She hadn't known what, or who, she wanted, because she was too young to know. She thought she knew consequences. She had been through so much already, she had always just assumed she had the answer to everything. That nothing was really her fault, when the truth was that she was twenty years old and she had already driven a king, a powerful commander, a champion and even crazy mage terrorist to fight over her. Peoples lives had been at stake, some even lost.

All because, in the beginning, she had reveled in how they fought over her. She didn't blame herself about that too much, who wouldn't have done the same in her position? But she should have learned, should have reigned herself in when their competition over her evolved from a game to something much more serious.

Because of what she had done, she was now faced with the possible dissolution of the Inquisition following the wrath of all of Orlais. What had caused that wrath? Her trysts with the King. The Inquisition held the fate of thousands in its hands, and she had been prepared to throw it all away on a whim, just because the title of Queen tasted so good on her tongue.

Maybe disbanding the Inquisition was the right thing to do, regardless. And she knew in her heart that being queen was not the only thing that made her choose Alistair, before she found out about all his lies. But that decision should have been made after careful consideration of what it would actually mean if the Inquisition were no more. What it would mean for the people in Skyhold, what it would mean for the fragile peace that barely held together as it was. What it would mean for all the nations in Thedas.

She had refused to see it before, because she didn't want that burden on her shoulders. She wanted to be free to choose whomever she wanted, regardless of titles and consequences.

She had been too young and too stupid to see that she did not have that luxury.

She was the Inquisitor. And even if she stepped down, even if she disbanded the entire organization, she knew full well that most people would still revere her as the Herald of Andraste. A holy woman in the eyes of the people, a legend already. There was nothing she could do to make that go away, even if she wanted to. And her life would be forever under close scrutiny.

It was time for her to stop daydreaming and accept that. She wouldn't let that make all her decisions for her, but she needed to start taking that into consideration when she made her future decisions.

All this was whirling through her head when a knock on her door broke her train of thoughts. She looked up and realized that she hadn't moved from her place in front of the fireplace all day. Dusk was settling outside her windows, and she stood up and stretched her stiff legs while she called for her visitor to enter.

Leliana came into view, carrying a plate filled with cheese and fruit in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Ashe could feel her stomach rumble as she laid eyes on the food and realized that she hadn't eaten a single thing since the day before.

"Leli, you are a sight for sore eyes. I'm starving," she said and beckoned for the redhead to put the plate down on the table between the two chairs in front of the window.

"I figured as much when a little bird whispered in my ear that you hadn't left your quarters all day."

Ashe nodded as the two women sat down. "I have a lot on my mind."

"I can imagine. Cullen has been walking around the keep all day. It seems he, too, have a lot to think about."

"You don't know the half of it," Ashe sighed and proceeded to tell Leliana most of what had happened. Her spymaster raised her eyebrows when she told her about how Alistair and Mahariel had tricked Cullen into thinking that Ashe was engaged and soon to be queen, but she remained silent as Ashe finished with the rest of the story, including how Cullen had rushed to Skyhold when he had found out about the deception.

Ashe could see her friend processing everything she had just told her, and a comfortable silence settled between them while Ashe plucked up some of the food while Leliana was thinking.

"You do realize that regardless of what promises Cullen makes you now, he will not be able to escape the consequence of what he has done?" Leliana said, her voice calm and careful.

Ashe nodded again. "I know. His marriage cannot be undone."

Leliana shook her head. "How could he have been so stupid, so hasty? He must have been blinded by rage or jealousy, but still, to act so rash… It is beneath him. I have always considered him a brilliant strategist. On the other hand, I shouldn't be surprised. The things men do when a woman consumes their every thought… I have seen it a million times before."

Ashe could see how the other woman's eyes shifted from the plate of food up to her own eyes, regarding her curiously.

"How do you feel about him now, after you know the truth?"

"About Cullen you mean?" The redhead nodded and Ashe sighed, shrugging a little. "I honestly don't know. I had already accepted what had happened with him and Mahariel, I had gotten over the shock and moved on."

"With Alistair," Leliana stated.

"Yes. He… or at least I thought he did, treated me with respect. I didn't know then the extent of his lies. But despite everything, I truly believe that his feelings for me were absolutely real. I could see it, Leli. There was nothing but love and admiration in his eyes when he looked at me. He would have given me everything. Perhaps I could even forgive him for manipulating Cullen into thinking we were already engaged. I know he did it because he loved me, because he couldn't bear to see me with another man, not after his own feelings had grown so strong. I guess..." She quieted and looked down, unable to look her friend in the eye as she uttered her next words.

"I'm ashamed to admit it, but a small part of me is proud, impressed even, that he would go to such lengths to make me his. To sacrifice his relationship with Mahariel by manipulating her in such a cold manner, I mean, can you even imagine the lies he must have told her to make her do this for him? Not to mention that he held off the anger of everyone who screamed bloody murder about the Inquisitor favoring Ferelden for as long as he could, all because he didn't want me to feel pressured to be with him because of anything else but my own free will."

Leliana remained silent, and Ashe was thankful that she finally got to pour her heart out to someone who was neutral in all of this.

"I think," she continued, "that I had made up my mind, right before everything went down that final night in the palace. I might have done it for selfish reasons, but I had made a decision without even realizing it. I was prepared to step down as Inquisitor so that I could be with him. I think… I think I loved Alistair."

Finally saying those words out loud made her feel like she could actually breathe again. It was as if a heavy burden had lifted off her shoulders and a gust of fresh wind flew through the air, even though the windows were all firmly shut.

"Ashe… If you love him, and from what I gather, you have all but forgiven his deception, what is stopping you from following through? Disbanding the Inquisition may have been a long time coming, anyway, and I will support your decision either way."

Hearing Leliana say those words made her want to cry in relief, but what actually did make her cry had nothing to do with her friend's invaluable support, no matter how much she needed it.

Tears now running down her cheeks, she breathed in barely more than a whisper: "I can see what you are thinking. It's not about Cullen. I can't forgive him for marrying someone else. But more importantly, I can't forgive Alistair for what he did to me."

The look on Leliana's otherwise intelligent and calculating face was that of rare confusion.

"I know, I know. For that whole mess with lying to Cullen, I have forgiven Alistair. What drove him to do it, I can understand. But I didn't tell you how I found him that night. That Greyer was there to witness it even. I thought I was everything to Alistair, but Mahariel was right all along. One woman could never be enough for him, I realize this now. And maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm selfish. But I want… wanted him all to myself. And Alistair, so set in his ways I suppose, couldn't even wait until we were married before he bedded other girls. Hawke walked in on him fucking not one but two of them, on the same night he planned to propose to me. Do you have any idea how that made me feel, Leli?"

Leliana's eyes shifted, and Ashe could see how her friend pondered something intensely. "Are you sure of this, Ashe? I mean, I've seen Alistair with you. It's like no one else exists when you're around."

Ashe could feel how her stupid tears ran even faster, her vision now clouded behind the veil of them. "I'm sure. He barely denied it, didn't even come after me to explain."

Leliana was silent for a few more moments before she leaned forward to squeeze Ashe's shoulder. "You will get through this. You are home now. You take as long as you like to rest up, and if you need to bury yourself in work, you can do that, too." She rose from her chair and Ashe looked up at her.

"Where are you going?"

Leliana smiled at her. "I will leave you in peace for now. I'll come back tomorrow, after I've made sure that Cullen won't bother you for the next few days. You need this time to yourself."

Ashe nodded and moved closer to the fire, taking the plate of food with her.

She didn't see that when Leliana had left, she didn't go searching for Cullen at all, but headed straight for her tower of ravens instead.