(Sixteen)
Bella disappears one morning while I'm in the shower. Her note on the countertop tells me nothing. Be back soon. It's not enough to stop my mind racing back to her apartment, crashing into the image of her returning to Sam. I stop the thought before it makes me dangerous.
I grab my gym gear and make my way through the grey slush to Whitlock's. It's quiet and the bag is free to go however many rounds I can handle. I lose the gloves at some point, and it's only when my knuckles are red-raw that I stop.
Surprised that Riley hasn't turned up to goad me, I seek him out in the back office, but it's Alice who answers my knock. She has a pile of papers in one hand, the phone tucked between her ear and shoulder. I'm shocked to see her but she stares at me as if we're strangers. I'm relieved when she steps aside to let me in without a word, instead returning to a brutal showdown she's having with whomever is on the other end of the line.
She slams the phone down with a curse. I start to regret today's decisions.
"Long time no see." She's still seething, her hand on her hip. I see how big she's grown. Her bump a basketball under her sweater.
"Everything okay?" I eye the phone that's done well to remain in one piece.
"Just the assholes down at the Tribune making my life more difficult than it needs to be."
"The Tribune?"
"They're writing a piece on the gym and our young offenders program, but they keep changing the times and shifting the angle for the story."
"Anything I can do to help?"
"You could write it for me."
She smiles like she's joking, but I know her better.
I stay away from her sharp edges. "I can speak to Lenny for you. He's on the sports desk and should be able to send someone good."
"Don't worry. I'll sort it out." She turns her back on me and files away whatever she needs to avoid taking the conversation down a dark alley. I let her anger boil down. True to form she can't stand the quiet for long. Curiosity tugging the words out. "Are you okay?"
"I'm good." I say and offer her a half a smile incase she's going to continue to be a bitch.
"So I guess you've not heard?"
"Heard what?"
The way she chews on her lip gives away her nerves, and I brace myself.
"You spoken to Mom?"
I raise my eyebrows in answer.
"I figured." She frowns and sits down, resting her hands over her bump. A sigh introduces the bombshell. "She's organizing a memorial for Dad."
"How nice for her." Ali winces, and I immediately feel bad.
"She wants us to say something."
"Like?"
"Don't make this difficult for me, Edward." Her eyes flash with anger, turning her into our father. His features are reflected in his daughter. Not many of them are found in me.
"I'm sorry." I pick up a pen and twist it through my fingers to give myself something to focus on other than the growing anger with Mom. "What does she want us to do?"
"She wants me to speak about Dad or to read a poem. I don't know." She rests her head back against the chair. "I don't know what to say."
I nod, already knowing she won't be able to do it. The shattered memory of his funeral flares up—Alice was unable to do anything other than breathe, and even that was a challenge.
"And she expects me to join in?"
She shrugs. "I think so. Are you sure she hasn't called?"
I think back over the past few days lost with Bella. "It's possible. I've been busy."
"With work?"
"Yeah," I lie, not ready to share.
"You think you can make it? Maybe say something … with me?" She's suddenly my little sister again.
My throat closes up. One of us would have to, and she sure as shit won't be able to. "I'm not sure."
She holds her hands up. "Don't answer now. Just think about it."
I swiftly change the subject as ask how Jasper is. She tells me about unrelenting deserts in foreign countries, places as familiar to me as my home town, the late night calls and sketchy video messages, and the days she's counting down till he's home, rapidly disappearing into the days until their baby is due. His absence is slowly cracking her shell. She has people to fill in the gaps until he's home. In another lifetime I could probably be there for her too, but not this one.
I make my excuse to leave.
"You sure you're okay?" She always double checks, like she making up for not asking enough the first time round. As if I wouldn't have fucked up so much if she'd tried harder.
Bella is my first thought and I try and hide the effect on her on my face, ducking my head and running fingers through my still damp hair. "Yeah. I am."
She spots something because I get a genuine smile when I look up. "Well it's good to see you." She comes over and pinches my ear, a flashback to simpler times to soften her reminder. "Think about Dad's thing, E."
...
I avoid thinking about my dad until I get home, but when Bella isn't there, it's my only company. I should be able to stand up and talk about a man I loved, but in letting him down so vitally, I can't help but feel I've lost the right. The more I try to imagine myself doing the right thing, the more I feel myself pulled to make the wrong choices. Choices which got me here in the first place.
I shower off the remnants of the gym. Swiping at the steamed up mirror, I go through the routines—brush my teeth, sort my hair. I don't shave, adding another day's growth. Bella told me she liked the feel of it, the opposite of clean shaven Sam, which flips my thoughts back to her. I ignore what my reflection is trying to tell me. A sorry story.
There's nothing else to do but go to work. I hardly get through the stack of shit I've let pile up. My mind's elsewhere. With Bella. With Dad in an ice-cold parking lot. The only time I've ever seen him cry. The last time I saw him. Unspoken words rising between us, things that were never said.
The fact it's a Thursday only dawns on me when the sun is already a rumor. I call Bella's cell, but she doesn't answer. I'm close to derailing by the time I leave the office, so I do what I know and head downtown to AA.
Maggie is smoking outside, like a moth lit up under the streetlamp. Her smile feels like the only warmth in the entire city. "Hello, stranger. You're a sight for these old eyes."
"How're things?" I ask and join her, pulling out my own smoke.
"I've been worse," she says, her eyes bright in a sunken face. They're all over me, looking for signs to my absence. "What about you? I've been worried."
"You shouldn't be. I'm okay, just busy at work."
She gives me the "stop-shitting-me" glare.
"I met someone." A smile follows my admission, lighting hers like a match. I'm not fully comfortable in the way Bella makes me feel, so I play it down. "She's a friend."
"The girl from The Red Lantern."
"I …" I narrow my eyes at her." How did you know?"
"I know everything. My great grandmother was a witch." She cackles, and I believe it as much as I believe in the devil who keeps rattling my bones. I laugh with her, shifting out of the way of faces, some familiar and some not. I almost feel like a stranger myself.
"Is Em inside?" I gesture to the door. Inside the chair's are filling up and I can see Marcus at the front.
"No, not here yet. I was hoping he'd be here with you."
"I've not seen him for a while." I omit his visit to my place. Guilt speeds up my exit. "We better go in." I flick the butt into the dark and make my way inside, ignoring Marcus' introduction while I try to call Em. What the fuck is it with people not answering their cells? Payback, I suppose. I pocket it in my jacket until half an hour's passed and he still hasn't turned up. Still no answer when I get back outside. Or on the bus. Or the short walk to my place.
I switch numbers and try Bella when she's still not at my place. With nothing left to do, I go to bed, turn off the lights and stare at the flickering lights on the ceiling from the cars passing by. I try to reassure myself Em is okay. That Bella's okay. I'm almost as good at talking myself out of stuff as I am talking myself into it.
I'm balancing on the edge of sleep when I hear the door. Bella slides into bed, presses her cold nose against my back. Her arms wrap around me, her hands slide across my skin. Her lips leave kisses and warm breath. "I missed this."
I turn over and tell her about my day. I tell her about my dad, the back cover version that leaves out the good stuff. I tell her about Em and the memorial. Then she makes me forget everything when she moves on top of me, her hair loose, body warm, words soothing.
It's enough to send me falling over the edge, and I sleep deeply for what feels like the first time in almost a year.
But it's not enough to prepare me for what happens when I wake.
AN: I know. Late doesn't even cut it. I'm sorry guys.
I hope you're all still with me. I've missed you like crazy.
Heaps of love for Choc, Kim and Cat for always being there. I've messed with this chapter since they perfected it so any mistakes are mine.
Love Sparrow xx