CH03 – Let's Go Eevee

Everyone waited off to the side while the one aide on duty finish mopping up the puddle of brownish pokémon jelly on the floor because Oak told him to.

"So that was a bust, now what?" asked Aero.

Greg fidgeted impatiently. "C'mon, Gramps! You promised you'd give me a pokémon...You don't have to bother finding one for this dweeb though." Aero elbowed him in the side. "Hey! You hit like a girl." Aero elbowed him harder. "Ow! Stop, you fag!"

Greg's grandfather beat him over the head with a newly acquired clipboard he snatched off of a nearby desk. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT WORD?!"

"DAMNITTTT, THAT HURTS! You said I couldn't say faggot, but you never said I couldn't say fag…"

Oak hit his belligerent grandson again for good measure. "It's the same thing, you idiot. And don't back talk your grandfather like that." He tossed the clipboard away out of habit, and recomposed himself. He immediately decided he needed to stop doing that after it landed somewhere by the one he used earlier.

The aide, completely forgotten, was busy wringing pokémon gravy out of a mop while thinking about how he should have followed his dreams to become an astronaut instead.

Oak stepped over to a cabinet with a big padlock on it. There was a sign posted over it that said DANGER in all capital letters. That probably goes without saying though, because when was the last time you saw a sign that said danger in all lowercase letters? Don't answer that. "If you two could stop badgering each other for two minutes, I could amend this dilemma..." He fished a key ring out of a pocket on his lab coat, spent a few moments looking for the right key, and then took the lock off of the cabinet. Oak proceeded to swing open the cabinet doors slowly and with a cautious deliberation that made the scene a lot more showy than it really needed to be. You can pretend there was dramatic lighting and sound design too if you want, but I'm not going to write about it. "I really didn't want to resort to using these two, but I don't have any other pokémon prepared at the moment..." Inside the cabinet were two fairly normal looking pokémon slavery devices. Very anticlimactic. Oak grabbed both of them, one with each hand, and lifted them out of the cabinet.

Aero was too busy checking out whatever was being displayed on the aide's computer screen, but Greg was visibly excited. "Oh man, Gramps. Are you giving me a legendary?! I mean I know I'm totally worthy of one, but—"

Oak grimaced at his grandson's delusions. "What? No, I only hand those out to cute girls named Mary Sue. I just had to lock these up after too many die hard fans bitched on 4chan about how we were ruining the series."

"Aww man. Don't get my hopes up like that, Gramps..."

"Since when do gardevoir have breasts?" Oak and his grandson interrupted their conversation to look over at Aero, who was still busy staring at the aide's computer monitor trying to understand how gardevoir boobs would even work out.

"Huh?" they both said in unison.

Oak's aide dropped his mop in a hurry, dashed over to his computer, and proceeded to close out everything on his desktop in a panic. "IT'S JUST RESEARCH, I SWEAR!"

"Uh-huh...well, I guess I did tell you to go watch porn or something, so I suppose I can't really complain when you actually listen to me."

"Umm...actually, I'm serious," Oak's aide responded sheepishly. "I've been working on a prototype for an energy generator that uses digital pornographic artwork of pokémon as a fuel source for the past six months now..."

"Wait? For real? You have a prototype and everything?" Oak's aide just nodded silently in response. "Why didn't you tell me you were working on something like that earlier? That's one hell of a scientific breakthrough!"

"I did...I mean I tried to. Multiple times, actually. It's just every time I've tried, you've been busy yelling at Greg for being a public nuisance."

"Oh...okay, that makes sense. Well, carry on then. I'll take a proper look at it after I finish kicking Greg out of the house."

"Hey, what?!" Greg exclaimed.

Oak turned to his grandson. "You're going on an adventure, remember?"

"Oh yeah...I get to come back home after I'm done though, right?"

"Uhhhhhhhh..." Oak looked down at the pokéballs still in his hands. "SO AS I WAS SAYING, these two pokémon are kind of volatile and I wasn't planning on handing them over to anyone, but I don't have much of a choice at the moment."

Aero was slouched against the wall with their hands jammed into their jean pockets. "Am I going to hate this?"

Oak waved the question away, but it looked kind of dumb because his hands were still holding something. "Oh don't worry, it's not that bad really. I used to hand pokémon like these out regularly, but after a certain...incident...I decided it for the best that I avoided doing so until the internet forgot about it for awhile."

"You're not really instilling much confidence here, but okay..."

"I said don't worry about it. I'm the one that has to deal with the review bombing anyway." Oak raised the capsule in his left hand. "So this pokéball has a pikachu in it," Next he raised the capsule in his right hand. "and this pokéball has an eevee in it."

"Cool! I call dibs on the eev— "

"NO! Um, I mean no, Greg. I already decided that you're getting the pikachu. I'm giving Aero the eevee." Oak checked with Aero, who still didn't seem to care that much either way.

"What? Why? That's so lame, I wanted to choo— OH! I get it! You want to make sure I get the superior pokémon, right?"

"...Yeah, sure. Whatever. Now take the fuckin' pikachu."

Oak handed Greg the pokéball with the pikachu in it, and Greg took it with pride before doing another dumb-ass pose with it. "You're the best, Gramps! I knew you'd be able to realize my true potential!"

"Yes, I realized it a long time ago when you managed to get your hand stuck in a shellder..." Oak held the remaining ball out for Aero, but grabbed them by the shoulder and leaned in to whisper something when they reached in. "Actually, this eevee is female, and that doesn't happen very often. I just didn't want to leave a pokémon so valuable in the hands of someone who can't stop talking about how great they are for more than five microseconds at a time."

"Yeah, I kinda gathered that already. I'm not so sure that I'm a much better option though."

"Not even close, but if I have to choose..."

Aero fiddled with the ball in their hands. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Oak returned to his neutral standing position. "No problem. All that's left now is to give you two a crash course in batt—"

"That's right, don't think I forgot!" Greg ran into the middle of the room and whipped around. "You're not getting out of our battle so easily!" He flung his newly gifted pokéball outward. "GOOOOOO PIKACHU!"

"Fucks sake, Greg! I'm going to need a tranquilizer after today…"

The ball hit the ground, but instead of falling apart like last time, it just opened normally and emitted some special effects lighting before spitting out a yellow mouse and then returned to Greg's hand via wibbly wobbly physics magic that nobody actually wants to explain. I guess the alternative would be to make it realistic and have everyone scramble around collecting their balls afterwards, but then I'd have to write about it every time someone decides to fight each other. Nobody wants that.

The pikachu, having been released from it's spherical prison, immediately started looking around the room before finding the eyes of it's new trainer and uttering a single "Pika..." because what the fuck else did you expect a pikachu to say. Look I'm sorry, but it's not just going to come out of the ball and start reciting hamlet in perfect Shakespearean English or something. You're just going to have to accept that.

Greg started punching the air. "Aw yeah! So cool! We're the best!"

Oak took a deep breath to calm himself. "Alright...alright, fine. I suppose a practical lesson won't hurt...well okay, it might hurt Greg's ego a little, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

Greg pointed across the room at Aero. "Pikachu, use Growl!"

His pikachu gave him a weird look, but then turned around and made pikachu noises at Aero. It was very impressive.

"WOO! TAKE THAT!"

Oak held his head in his hands. "Greg, Aero hasn't even released their pokémon yet."

"What? Oh, um...yeah...yeah! Of course, I knew that! I was just uh...being intimidating! Intimidation! It's my strategy!"

Aero was still slouched against the wall. "Yes, I'm very intimidated now. I should have known better than to challenge the mighty Greg Oak. There's absolutely no way I can possibly win now."

"HAH!"

"Aero, please. Don't give him a bigger head than he already has...it's already bigger than it has any right to be. Besides, if you do lose, I'm taking that eevee back, selling it on the internet, and then sending you back home to be ten years old for the rest of your life."

"What? NO!" Aero sprung up off the wall with a passionate spark ignited in their eyes. Or there would have been a passionate spark ignited in their eyes if this was an anime, but it isn't so that would be stupid. You're allowed to pretend though if you want. I won't judge you for it (actually I will). "Sorry, Greg, but I can't afford to lose now. Not with the entire rest of my life at stake."

Aero released their new pokémon from it's torture chamber pokéball, although not quite as dramatically as Greg. After being freed, the eevee sat at Aero's feet looking up with a sunny smile on it's face. "Voiiii!"

Aero turned to address Oak briefly. "Why does it sound like it's trying to pronounce 'eevee' while having a stroke?"

"I'm afraid that's a mystery even a pokémon professor can't answer..."

"Oh well." Aero bent down to the floor. The eevee was still staring at them expectantly. "Okay, hi. This is pretty sudden, and I know we just met, but there's a pikachu standing over there and I need you to beat the stuffing out of it for me."

"Evoiii..."

"Don't give me any shit. It's important."

"Voi..."

"Look, my hands are tied here. If you don't do it, the old guy over there is going to sell you on craigslist to some furry pedophile who will make you shit in diapers for their amusement for the rest of your life."

The eevee immediately turned around and eyed up it's competition, ready and willing to do whatever it would take to win.

"So uh, what can this thing do?"

"Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn't just know. Let me see..." Oak rubbed his chin in true Oak fashion. "Well, there's Tackle."

"That's it?"

"I guess it probably knows Tail Whip...Don't use that thou— "

Aero turned back to the battle. "Okay, do that. Tail Whip."

Aero's eevee waggled her tail at the opposing pikachu. It was very adorable.

"I told you not to use that."

"Yeah."

"So you used it."

"I'm nineteen."

"...Oh. You'd think I'd understand teenage rebellion by now. I mean, you're technically ten, but I see your point."

"That was pretty good, but I'm still better!" Greg pointed dramatically for the...I lost count. "Pikachu, Growl again!"

The pikachu made more pikachu noises. You could argue that it was vaguely more impressive than last time just due to the fact that there was a valid target this time.

"Okay, Tail Whip."

The eevee waggled her tail again. Still adorable. Not any more or less adorable than last time, but adorable just the same.

"Growl!"

"Tail Whip."

"Growl!"

"Tail Whip."

"Growl!"

"Tail Whip."

Oak beat his head into the wall.

"Growl!"

"Tail Whip."

"Growl!"

"Tail Whip."

"We're winning! Use Growl again!"

Instead of complying with it's master, the pikachu did something else. It walked up closer to Aero's eevee with a dorky anime blush on it's face. This still isn't an anime though, so I'll have to have words with the author after this...oh wait that's me, damn it.

"Pika pika pi…pika pika"—This is kind of weird to say in the middle of battle, but your tail wagging is like...really cute and stuff.

"Voiiii. Evoiiivoi."—Aw, thanks, that's sweet. Your growling is totally super intimidating too.

"Pi?! Pikapi! Pikapikapi...pi...pikapika pika pi?"—Really?! That's great! We're like in the same egg group too...so...you wanna go grab a coffee or something?

"Voi….Evoiii...voivoii." —Sorry...I only like you as a friend…besides, we just met.

Friend zoned. It was super effective!

After the pikachu's heart shattered into a million pieces in slow motion, it laid down on the floor defeated, too depressed to continue the battle.

"What?!" Greg screamed. "That's cheating! Gramps, this has to be against the rules, right? Right?!"

Oak stopped beating his head against the wall to find that the battle ended somehow, and in Aero's favor to boot. "Oh...uh, I wasn't paying attention. But all's fair in love and war, or so they say. Why? What did I miss?"

"Love and war," replied Aero.

"Huh. Well I guess by that logic, Aero's victory is doubly legitimate then."

"I don't really feel like I did anything though..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" On the verge of tears, Greg snatched his fallen pikachu up into his arms and cradled it against his chest before storming to the front door. "I refuse to accept a victory like that! What kind of monster breaks a poor pikachu's heart like it's nothing?! I'm going to become the best trainer the world has ever seen, and then I'm going to get revenge! Just you wait!" Greg threw open the door to the lab. "Smell ya later...FAGGOT!" And then ran off as quickly as his legs could carry him.

Oak shook his fist angrily. "You just had to—you fuckin'— GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS BACK HERE BOY!" He ran after Greg, determined to lay the ultimate smack-down on his grandson.

Aero looked down at their newfound companion. "Yo. Let's blow this joint before they get back. Where'd that pokéball get to?"

While Aero was looking around for the missing pokéball, the eevee climbed up their pant leg and jacket and lept onto their head. The eevee stuck it's paw outward. "Evoiii!"

"Oooo-kay, whatever. Guess that works..." Aero headed out of the lab and walked down the street with an eevee on their head. "Hey, if you shit on me, I'm sticking you in a blender."

"Voi."

"Just so we understand each other."

Oak's aide sat at his desk and jammed printouts of furry porn into what looked to be the worlds dumbest looking toaster, aside from the strange humming it was giving off. He finally let out a sigh of relief after he was alone for the first time all morning. "Now maybe I can finally get some work done on this thing."