(Twenty Three)

Present Day

I sleep on Alice's couch for a few days. All I think about is Em and Rose, followed by Bella, capped off with every shitty thing I can blame myself for. There's a never-ending list if you let your mind go there. Jasper asks me to give him a hand with painting the outside of their house. The baby won't be happy with the off-white boards apparently, so it has to be done immediately. We don't try to argue with her. I'm happy to have something to stop my mind whirring.

After the third day my resolve is weak and I head back to the apartment.

It's cold and dark when I arrive, clear no one has been here for a while. I flick the lights on looking for evidence that Bella is still here, but there's nothing other than a few hastily scribbled lines on a scrap piece of paper, left on the kitchen worktop. Found a new place. Thanks for the hospitality. Sarcasm is slashed through the ink. There's nothing else.

The place is gloomier than I remember and it smells of stale smoke. I wrench open the fire escape to let some air in, hoping it will clear the black cloud of a bad idea to go looking for her.

I have a shower and change, noting the lack of her things that were lying around only last week. I don't know what I expected; a welcome home party, for her to have waited for me after I disappeared without an explanation. I do have an explanation, but I can't understand it myself, let alone make it clear to her.

I don't hang around long, changing and making my way across town to Blake. I'm early for the meeting, so I sit down outside the hall in the dim light, watching the steamy windows of the Red Dragon while I wait for the doors to open. I light a smoke. It's only my second today which is a start. I'm not a fucking miracle.

Maggie joins me on the step, her shuffling gait familiar even before she emerges from the dark, drowning in a cocoon of brightly coloured scarfs despite the warm night. I swear she's got a bit more meat on her bones, though she still probably weighs no more than the birds that fly overhead.

"How's things, kid?" She steals the cigarette out of my hand and takes a drag.

"You want your own?"I reach for my packet but she shakes her head, a haze of smoke around her as she hands it back over. "I'm giving up."

My laugh comes out more of a snort. "Me too. It's going well, as you can see."

"One thing at a time. Can't ruin all your fun now, can we. You heard from Em?"

"No," I say as a group files in past us as the doors open. "Gonna give him some time."

"Giving yourself some time too?"

"For what?"

She starts to get up, using my shoulder as a lever. "To get past what he did. It's not easy to go through this shit, and when someone who's supposed to be there for you fucks up, well ... that's not easy either."

"I should have helped him."

"No, you couldn't have." She holds out her hand as if I need help to get up. I take it but don't put any weight on her incase she breaks. She looks up at me and pats a hand on my chest. "You have to think about you now. Stop thinking about things you've done, what you could do better, what you can do now. Just be here tonight, okay? Take it in. I know you hate Marcus, but you put too much energy into him and anyone else to avoid putting your energy into yourself. I know, because I did it too."

"I'm not ready to talk," the panic in me admits.

"You don't have to. But listen, okay? Do it for this old bird." She turns and heads inside. "Do it for you."

I grip onto the railings, digging the metal into the flesh of my palms. My head is spinning, but for once, as I look again for the flash of red that was once Bella, or play over the scene of my Dad in that carpark, I sense the quieting hall behind my back and it's calm radiating out, the low voices of people who are like me, not fuck ups and weirdos, just people who got off track and who need help. So instead of disappearing into the night, I go take a seat. And for the first time I listen without judging and I feel like I belong. Not forever. But for now.

AN: Just a little one for you this time. There was some confusion with last weeks chapter. It was a flashback set two years ago rather than in present day. I've altered the title so hopefully it's a little clearer. Sorry about that. As always thank you thank you. xx Love to Vampshavelaws for her time and effort to sort my stuff out. See you soon. Sparrow x