(Chapter 24)
Emmett has been locked up for 40 days. I haven't seen Bella for 30.
There are other days I could count.
Numbers I should be proud of: Sober for 436 days. 6 visits to AA in the past month.
Numbers I should be ashamed of: 567 days since my Dad died in a carpark while looking for me. While I was in a black hole of my own creation.
Days that define my life.
Today is another, one I don't have the energy or desire to calculate. My birthday.
I hope it will pass quickly and quietly. Forgotten by those who should remember. They were removed of that burden a long time ago. I don't get any cards in the post, or texts on my phone, and almost think I've made it through the day when I hear a knock at the door.
My mind automatically jumps to imagine Bella on the other side, but the knocking is too insistent.
"Open the door, Edward. I didn't drag myself up those stairs to be ignored." Alice's voice bursts through the letterbox. She lets it snap close and waits.
She'll only get louder, so I force myself up of the couch to let her in. She brushes past me and reaches up to the hooks in the hallway, then launches my leather jacket at my chest. "Come on. Let's go get some birthday cake."
I start to argue, but she's already disappeared back down the stairs, trailing a red scarf behind her as she goes. Despite carrying what looks like a basketball under her dress, I have to jog to catch up with her. "Where are we going?"
"Thought we could go to the coffee place on the corner. Nothing too far out of your comfort zone? You can get a shake." She raises an eyebrow at me, diverting my comment about hating coffee defetly.
I hold my hands up. "Sounds good."It's a reminder she knows me better than I know myself at times.
The place is a replica of my last coffee with Em though, far on the other side of town. It gives me unsettling flashbacks, so I steer her to a table on the opposite side from where I last sat with Em on Blake and order us some drinks.
She stares at me over the top of her hot chocolate as she takes a sip. "You been okay?"
"I should be asking you that." I gesture to the growing bump making it difficult for her to fit behind the table.
She blows the steam away and licks cream from her lips. "Nope, we're both good. Tired and impatient, but okay. I want to hear what you've been up to. Have you heard from Emmett?"
I shake my head. "Not yet. Rose has been to visit and says he's doing okay. He's refusing to see anyone else for now. I've written to him."
"He'll appreciate that." She nods, agreeing with herself before picking the walnuts off her carrot cake, then the icing. "Have you spoken to Mom?"
"No. Have you?"
"She's pestering me about the memorial." Alice winces at the word. I sit back and take off my cap, ruffling my hair before I put it back on. A cold sweat prickles the back of my neck at the thought. "But we can talk about that later," she adds, twisting her rings around her finger. A habit I know means it's not something she's looking forward to either.
"What about Bella? Have you spoken to her?"
I laugh a little, crossing my arms over my chest. "Is this an inquisition?"
"No. Don't divert. I'm just checking in with you. You don't tell me anything so I have to dig it out little by little."
"Like an inquisition?"
"No. You wouldn't get cake at that." She pushes her half empty plate over to me and sits back, resting her hands on her stomach. "So have you?"
"Not since she brought my keys back."
"Did it end badly?"
"Define badly."
"Did she throw the keys at your stubborn head?"
"No. She was okay … well, she calmed down after a while. Said she understood." I shrug, reaching for my bottle of water. She watches me while I take a swig, waiting.
"She didn't understand."
I narrow my eyes. "How do you know that?"
"I don't. I'm just telling you as another female. And as a sister who didn't used to understand the way this works." She points and twirls her finger in my direction.
"You think you understand me now?"
"Not always, but I'm trying." Her smile is not light, our history a weight that can easily undo the moment. "And you're trying. I have explained that to her."
"You've seen her?" I'm shocked and a little pissed, because I want to see her more than anything, despite knowing it's not healthy.
"She came by the gym looking for you a few days ago. Had some of your stuff but didn't want to take it round to the flat."Alice has a canny ability to get anyone to open up to her, so I immediately worry what's been said.
She's oblivious to my discomfort and continues, "We had a chat and … well, I think she might have softened a little. I don't know. I told her you're a nightmare." She smirks and steals the cake back.
"So she was okay?" I ask, the only thing I really want to know. Torn between wanting to protect her from me and wanting to protect her from every other shit thing around her. A decision that no matter how much I think about, seems impossible to do without one fucking up the other.
"She's fine. She's really nice, E. I like her."
I don't need to reply in the affirmative, Alice knows and reaches over and squeezes my knee. "You did the right thing. Even if both of you don't feel that way. You just gotta follow through with it this time, okay? I know you can … get better … find yourself again."
I think about the time ahead, time without Bella, or Em, without a job or any real friends and its pitch black road into unchartered territory, but there's gotta be something better than this at the end. Someone better. Someone I could have been years ago.
I can't look up at her, I know she'll have tears in her eyes. She squeezes my leg again then sits back and clears her throat. "Anyway, there's two things I wanted to ask you. Worst first, best last?"
"Hit me with it." I laugh, glad to have moved into shallower waters.
She chews on the corner of her mouth. "Maybe they're both worst, I don't know."
"Alice, get on with it."
"Okay okay," she holds her hands up. "I need someone to fill in for me in the gym when the baby comes and I was wondering whether to ask Bella. And if you'd be okay with that?"
Something that feels little like relief settles over me. "Sure, as long as she's okay with working there. I'll stay away."
"Well, you don't have to do that. It'd be part time, so you could work around each other."
A part of me is glad she will be there, knowing she will be in touch with Alice and by proxy I can make sure she is okay. "I'll do whatever is best for her."
"Okay and then …" She looks sheepish and pauses, distracted for a few seconds on the new customers who come in, letting in a blast of fresh air. "I really need your help with the memorial. I can't do it on my own."
Her voice wobbles and she swallows. The change in demeanour tightens my chest, my own fears and guilt pushing up against my ribs. I had planned to go but sit at the back, out of sight and mind, then decided there was no way in hell I could be there. I switch plans daily. "What do you need me to do?"
"I was hoping you could write something for us and maybe," her voice softens to almost silence, "read it for me. I don't think I'll be able to. On my own, anyway."
The selfish, guilty asshole that I am wants to refuse and I'm already half planning how I can get out of it. But somewhere deep under all that shit is a brother and a son who wants to try. "I'll see what I can do."
Her face is brighter than the sun glaring through the window behind her. "Thank you. It would mean everything to me to have you there."
Her words settle around me. A kindness I don't think I deserve but that I am offered by her time and time again. So despite my better judgement, I say, "I'll be there."
AN: Thank you for reading. Vampshavelaws sorts my words and is the bee's knees . xx