The Dragon Brat
Episode Two
What is Dumb
The sun's brilliant rays blazed down on a lush, open forest, the day already halfway gone. Two Elves crouched high in the treetops, peering at a distant castle perched atop a cliff.
"They'll be on the lookout now that they know our game plan," Runaan said quietly, "thanks to a certain SOMEONE. I'm not naming names, but RAYLA is definitely in the penalty box as of right now."
"I said 'my bad'," Rayla muttered to herself, sitting beneath their tree. "You're not still angry, are you?" A snarling raccoon suddenly dropped into her lap. She shrieked and threw it off. "AAAAAAAAA- yup, still angry. God, get over it."
A piercing whistle rang down from the trees, and a yellow card fluttered down in front of her.
"You just earned yourself another five minutes!" Runaan snapped from above.
"Oh, come ON!" Rayla huffed and glanced up at the rest of the group of Elf assassins. They sat around the camp, preparing their weapons for the coming night. They all pointedly ignored her. She cleared her throat and turned to the one sitting closest to her.
"Hey, uh…can I borrow your whetstone?" she asked politely.
"Don't have one," the Elf answered with crisp bluntness. Rayla blinked.
"…Yes, you do. You're holding it in your hand."
The Elf stared at her, and maintaining eye contact, whipped it over their shoulder into the woods.
"Don't. Have one."
"…Nevermind." Sighing, Rayla got to her feet and approached another Elf. "Excuse me? Can I have the toilet paper? I need to go."
Not even looking up, the Elf simply tossed the roll into the fire. Rayla blinked again.
"…That's fine I'll just use some leaves."
"There's some nice ones over here," one Elf said helpfully, pointing at a nearby bush.
"Hey, thanks," Rayla said as she walked over, "that's really nice of you. Everyone's being a real-" The bush was poison ivy. "OKAY WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS-"
"Rayla." Runaan and the other Elf jumped down from the branches, joining the rest of the group. "I need to talk to you," he said, taking her aside.
"Okay, but first I really do need to go-"
"Really? You can't hold it?" Runaan raised an eyebrow dubiously. "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is-"
"Diarrhea."
"Okay go."
"Too many berries-"
"You don't need to explain just GO-"
"It's gonna BURN-"
"GOOOOOOOOOO-"
-Back at the Castle-
Prince Callum stood in his shared bedroom, knocking tentatively on the door blocking off his brother's side, his shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Ez, I'm sorry for snapping at you," he called out. "I'm sure Dad will be fine. I'm sure everything's gonna be fine." He paused for a moment, but received no reply. "Okay, so, anyway, I'm gonna go get some books on how to cope with loss and grief- I mean…uh," he cleared his throat, "I'll…get you Harry Potter- NO HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD GODAMMIT-" He paused and tried again. "You know, on second thought, I'll grab a movie for you, like The Lion King- FUCK THAT'S EVEN WORSE-" He stopped for a long moment. "…I'm just gonna go."
He quickly left the room before he could make things worse.
-With the Elves-
Back in the forest, Runaan stood in a copse of trees, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited. Finally Rayla emerged from the brush and jogged up to him, panting.
"Okay, no one go near that bush-"
"Rayla, I'm benching you."
"What?!" She gaped at him in disbelief. "No! You can't do that! I'm the star player! You can't win this without me! I had Frosted Flakes and everything-"
"You're just not ready for this," Runaan went on over her. "I thought you were, but I was wrong. You've certainly got skill, but you hesitate at the crucial moment before you score-"
"It won't happen again!"
"You're still just a child. Your heart isn't hard enough to do what it takes to win."
"Yes it is! Watch this!" Rayla pointed off into the woods. "I'll go murder something with my bare hands right now!" She spun on her heel and marched away. Runaan sighed and waited. Several moments later, Rayla came marching back, her eyes flashing triumphantly. She held up her spattered hands. "You see?! I have returned victorious from my slaughter-"
"Blood is not blue."
"Okay, you got me, I found more berries." She paused to lick her fingers.
"Why would you eat more-"
"Look, I know I screwed up, so let me fix it!"
"No," Runaan said, his voice firm. He pointed at a nearby rock. "You are going to sit here and think about what you did, young lady. I want a five-hundred word essay explaining exactly what you did wrong by the time we get back."
"…Can't I get a pillow or something I'm still a little sore from the diarrhea-"
"SIT and THINK!"
Rayla slumped down on the rock and sulked as Runaan strode away, leaving her alone. She sat there quietly for a good five seconds, then stood up.
"'Kay. Thought about it. Still think you're wrong and I'm right." She turned and dashed off into the trees. A few seconds later, she came dashing back the other way. Another few seconds and she returned to the rock, scowling. "…Forgot which was the castle is."
-In the Castle Library-
Callum wandered amongst the towering stacks of the castle library, a multi-leveled, brightly lit room with thousands of books lining the walls. As he trailed along, one particularly large book slipped off the shelf and fell, bonking him on the head. Scowling, Callum rubbed the bruise and glared down at the tome, then gasped as it flipped opened by itself, the pages turning with a soft whisper.
"What in the-" Suddenly the book flew up and smacked him in the face, then came back, hitting him in the stomach, tripping him, and smacking him to the ground.
"SHIT SHIT SHIT-" Claudia bolted out from behind one of the stacks and seized the book, struggling to get it under control. "Sorry! Haven't quite mastered that one yet."
"That was YOU? Oh, then it's fine. At least my black eyes are even now." Callum sat up, wincing. "How'd you do it?"
"It's just a simple Wind Breath Rune! Check it out! Aspiro!" Claudia held up a deep blue orb, wrote a glowing rune in the air with one hand, then belched aloud. The blast of wind blew Callum's hair back from his face.
"Amazing!" He smiled. "That was magic?"
"What? Oh, no, I just had a big lunch." Claudia patted her chest and burped again. "A whole jar of peanut butter. Anyway, this is a Primal Stone." She held out the orb for Callum to examine. "It uses magical energy from one of the six primal sources. Inside is an actual storm, with wind and lightning and everything." She paused. "You gotta watch out for the static electricity, though. One time I walked across a rug wearing wool socks and almost killed Soren. It was hilarious. Dad almost bust a nut laughing."
"Wow, that's so cool!" Callum's expression turned wistful. "You're so lucky you get to learn magic."
"Well, you get to be a practice dummy for my bro- learn sword fighting." Claudia quickly corrected herself.
"I'd switch with you in a heartbeat."
"Hah!" She snorted aloud. "Bet we could switch places. You'd probably fit my dress and everything."
"Okay, you can stop-"
"No, no, really. You could totally pull it off with your willowy frame, lack of shoulders, and complete absence of masculinity- WAIT A SEC!" She gasped, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "That's it! SWITCH!" A loud gust of wind suddenly blew through the room, reverberating off the walls and ringing in Callum's ears.
"...Please tell me that was magic," he said in a small voice.
"Nooooo," Claudia whispered, then moon-walked away.
"...Why am I still attracted to her?"
-Elsewhere in the Castle-
King Harrow stood in a quiet room, gazing solemnly out the window at the castle grounds below. Viren suddenly materialized from the shadows like a wraith and approached noiselessly from behind.
"My King-"
"GAH!" Harrow jerked violently, whirled around, and socked him in the throat. Viren doubled over, coughing. "Oh shit! You scared the hell out of me, Viren. I thought you were one of the assassins." He frowned. "Wait how did you even find me, I snuck off to find a secluded corner for a good cry-"
"I'm…afraid we couldn't find the Elves, my King," Viren got out. "Sundown is only hours away. Soren says he and his men will be back…after one more round of Hide and Seek."
"Perfectly acceptable," Harrow stated, nodding. "However, it won't be enough." He blew out a long sigh. "I've accepted that tonight…I may lose…"
"Don't talk that way, you can't give up yet-"
"…at Scrabble," Harrow went on. "Callum is a walking thesaurus, and Ezran just makes up nonsense words, but I can't even get mad without being an asshole-"
"Claudia and I are still searching for a…creative solution," Viren interrupted, getting him back on track. "We're trying black-" King Harrow gave him a look. "...DARK magic."
"Nice save." Harrow's face suddenly tightened with anger. "I've spent years going along with your 'creative solutions' and where has it gotten me?"
"…About to be assassinated?"
"Exactly. Now get the fuck out. I need that ugly cry."
Viren quickly left the room, closing the door behind him as the wailing started. Claudia came dashing up to her father, panting hard and wildly flailing her arms like a headless chicken. He stared at her, utterly flabbergasted.
"…Okay, are you trying to tell me something or are you having a stroke?" Viren finally broke in. "I really can't tell-"
"It means..." Claudia trailed off mid-sentence, narrowing her eyes in concentration. "…I've got. To POOP." She whirled around and shot for the nearest restroom.
"…Sometimes I wonder if they're really mine, I truly do," Viren muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes.
-With Callum-
Callum, meanwhile, had returned to the Princes' shared bedroom. He knocked on the dividing door, trying again to communicate with his brother.
"Hey…Ezran? We need to get going, it's almost sundown. You okay in there?" He paused to listen, but heard nothing. "You have to come out eventually. You know you're not allowed to pee out the window ever since you hit a guard in the eye. He's, like, legally blind now. …Hello? Ez?" He got down on hands and knees, reaching for the small doggy-door at the bottom meant for Bait, then hesitated. "…Please don't fart in my face like last time. It really wasn't funny. I mean, it WAS funny, just…not to me." Wincing, he pushed the little door open and poked his head through.
The room was empty.
"Oh, shi-"
"Prince Callum," a guard said, suddenly appearing in the room behind him. Callum jumped, cracking the back of his head on the door. "Your father wishes to see you."
"Okay! Yes! Good! Great!" He hurriedly straightened, wobbling a little. His eyes darted from the guard to the dividing door. "…Ezran is totally in there. He's just quiet cuz he's sulking." He paused awkwardly. "I told him Santa wasn't real."
"Santa's not real?" the guard whispered, his eyes wide with horror, then burst into tears.
"Oh my God!"
-Back in the Forest-
Rayla flipped through the trees, leaping from branch to branch as she made her way through the forest, working her ways towards the castle in the distance. She paused, her sharp eyes catching sight of two guards deep in conversation.
"So she asked me, 'do you have protection?', and I says to her, 'bitch, what you think my shield is for?', and then she kicked me out."
"Yes, I KNOW," the other guard ground out impatiently. "I was THERE. It was ME. I threw you out."
"…Oh. Right." The guard blinked. "…Soooo I've still got that shield. See the sides? Ribbed for your pleasure-"
"I'm so glad I didn't fuck you."
"Ugh, Humans are SO disgust- OH GOD HERE COME THE BERRIES AGAIN-" She darted for the nearest bush for another bout of noisy diarrhea.
After recovering, Rayla moved on through the forest, finally coming to a stop at a break in the trees that ended at a roaring stream. Before her was a sheer cliff with the castle towering high above. She glared up at the distant goal, her face hardening with determination, and drew in a deep breath. Letting out a primal war cry, she charged fearlessly towards the cliff.
"AAAAAAAAAAA- " She abruptly cut off mid-scream and stopped in place, calmly pulling out a pack filled with professional climbing gear. "Okay now that I'm within a safe distance I can get started so here are the ropes and this is a piton now I need to tie this to this-" She lifted a foot and started hopping into a harness.
-With Callum-
King Harrow waited in the empty throne room, dabbing his running mascara with a tissue. There was a knock at the door, Callum cautiously poking his head inside.
"Ezran did it-"
"Come here, Prince Callum," Harrow intoned, beckoning him closer. Callum stepped inside, nervously approaching his King and father. He hesitated when he drew close, unsure what to do, then settled for a deep bow at the exact moment the King went for a hug. He ended up head-butting him in the stomach.
"Hoogh!"
"Oh my God I'm sorry-"
"No, no, it's fine-" Harrow held up a hand, doubled over and clutching his stomach. "Just…gimme a minute." After composing himself, he straightened and lay a gentle hand on Callum's shoulder. "Now listen, Callum. I know I'm not your birth father- well, obviously, I mean-"
"...Is this because I'm not as good-looking as you?" Callum asked uncertainly.
"…Yes. That's exactly what I meant." Harrow somehow kept a straight face, then pulled out a sealed paper scroll. "Here. This is for you."
"A letter?" Callum took it, immediately ripping it open and reading aloud. "Milk, eggs, cheese, Oreos (don't tell the boys)-"
"Oh shit, sorry, that's my grocery list," Harrow quickly took the scroll away and handed over another. "Here, this one's yours." He cleared his throat. "Now, I want you to break the seal-"
*Snap!*
"No! Not NOW!"
"You said to break it!" Callum cried.
"You didn't let me FINISH." King Harrow snatched the scroll back from him, muttering to himself, and set about heating more wax, applying it to the scroll, and then sealing it with a stamp. When that was finished, he handed the scroll back to Callum. "Okay. There. Now, I want you to open the scroll- but not now. You'll know when-"
*Snap!*
"I said NOT NOW!"
"I thought it was the right time-"
"Oh for the love of-" Harrow snatched the scroll back again and quickly resealed it. Sighing, he handed the scroll back, glaring at Callum. "Listen to me carefully. I want you to open this scroll LATER, not NOW, when the time is- NO. STOP IT. DON'T YOU DARE-"
"Wait a second," Callum's eyes narrowed with suspicion and he stopped picking at the seal. "This is for me to read after you're dead! That's horrible!" He looked at the King in confusion. "I don't understand. Why can't we all just get along? Why do you have to die?"
"This isn't just about me," King Harrow explained tiredly. "This war goes back centuries." His face tightened with guilt. "I've done…terrible things-"
"Oh, really? Like what?"
Harrow paused for a long moment, thinking.
"…One time I called an Elf a bitch," he finally admitted. "He deserved it, though. Said my boots were ugly. I mean, have you seen me in them?" Callum rolled his eyes. "Anyway. Now, I have to pay the price for my heinous crimes. What is done cannot be undone."
"Uh, shoelaces? Zippers? Braids? Plus, you're the King!" Callum argued. "Can't you just order it undone? Like that time I tripped and fell in public, and you ordered everyone to forget it ever happened?" The King snorted at the memory. "You know what? I'm not gonna read this. In fact…" He turned and tossed the scroll into the nearby fireplace. Harrow just gaped at him. "…That was probably a bad idea I bet you spent a lot of time and feeling writing that I'm really sorry-" Callum hurriedly grabbed the scroll from the fire and patted the flames out. "Ow hot hot hot! Anyway. I'm not gonna read this," he said, tucking it into his belt. "Because you're gonna survive." He paused. "…And not because it's probably totally illegible from throwing into the fire."
"Take care of your brother," Harrow said quietly. Callum coughed.
"Yeah about that-"
"I don't think my heart could take it if anything happened to him-"
"HE'S FINE PERFECTLY FINE," Callum burst out. "Nice and happy in his bedroom where he should be and definitely not anywhere else that I don't know of!"
"Okay, how we doing?" Harrow glanced up and checked the clock. "Wow, that took less time than I thought. We've still got five minutes. Let's see, what else can I squeeze in before you go? Here's what you need to know about the birds and the bees-"
"OH GOD NO-"
"Oh, no, wait, that clock is five minutes slow. Guess we're done here after all."
"OH THANK YOU- I mean…" Callum blinked. "Oh no…I…have to go now…" He turned to leave, then hesitated. Glancing back at his father, he gathered himself and went for a handshake…just as the King went for a hug. He accidentally punched him in the dick.
"Oh my God it happened again I'm SO sorry-"
"S'fine…m'okay…didn't want anymore of you anyway," Harrow choked out, clutching his junk. He hung onto Callum for support and pulled him in for a fierce hug, failing to suppress a sniffle.
"…Are you crying because of the dick punch or because-"
"Shut up and hug me."
-With Rayla-
High up on the castle ramparts, Rayla gurgled weakly as she dragged herself up over the edge and tumbled down onto the roof. She flopped over, gasping for breath like a dying fish, then pulled out a bottle of Gatorade and started chugging. Her electrolytes replenished, she staggered to her feet, glaring back down at the forest below.
"You're wrong about me," Rayla said fiercely. "I can do this! I will do this!"
"Who you talking to?" a guard standing beside her asked. She froze in place, a bead of sweat running down her forehead.
"...My coach slash disapproving father-figure who doesn't believe in me?"
"Oh! Well, good luck then! I believe in you!"
"…Uhh…Thanks?" There was a long, awkward pause. Rayla slowly inched away and slipped off through a door.
"What a nice girl," the guard said to himself, smiling.
-A Few Moments Later-
Callum wandered through the castle, sighing dismally. He had just resigned himself to climbing into the ducts to look for Ezran when a noise from behind stopped him short.
"Uh…hello?" he called out uncertainly. "Is someone there?" He walked down a hall lined with suits of armor, completely unaware of Rayla drawing near, sneaking up from behind on silent feet. "Ezran, is that you? What've I told you about trying to sneak up on me, huh? You're gonna get it now…" He suddenly whirled around, hands snapping out. "TICKLE ATTACK!"
Rayla busted up laughing and twisted away. Callum yelped, jerking back in shock.
"Oh my God I just tickled an Elf assassin!" He quickly kicked a suit of armor, which toppled over on top of her.
"You fool!" She howled as he dashed off down the hallway. "You think this'll stop-" She cut off mid-sentence to scream as spiders came scuttling out.
"This is not what I meant when I prayed for girls chasing me!" Callum wailed as he ran. Snarling, Rayla threw the armor off of her and gave chase, pursuing Callum through several halls and an outside walkway. An armored guard stood there, head down. "OHGODHELPSHE'SGONNAKILLME-" Callum screamed as he ran past, Rayla hot on his heels.
The guard raised his head and pulled out an earbud. "What?" Hearing no reply, he shrugged, replaced the earbud, and went back to fiddling with his phone.
Callum dashed up a staircase, panting wildly. He risked a glance behind him and saw nothing.
"Yes! I think I lost-" He instantly clipped a table, hip-checked a vase, and fell sprawling into a conveniently empty room. "Why does this shit always happen to me-"
"I don't know, but I'm not complaining," Rayla stated, stepping inside and slamming the door shut with her foot. "Alright, listen up." She stood over him, arms crossed. "We have two targets tonight. I'm looking for King Harrow…and his son, Prince Ezran."
"What?! That's bullshit!" Callum cried in outrage. "You can't hurt someone who hasn't even done anything wrong-"
"Funny. Neither did the Dragon Brat."
"…Alright, you've got a point, and I don't mean your knives." There was an awkward pause. "No? Nothing? Really?" Callum's face tightened with determination. "Well, you've found me. I am Prince Ez-"
"No you're not."
He blinked.
"Uh, yes, I AM."
"No, you're really not. Look, I have a drawing right here." She held up a sketch of Ezran, his sticking his tongue out and eyes crossed.
"…Okay, first, that is a horrible picture of me, I was having a bad hair day and got a suntan and was inexplicably a foot shorter-"
"You're NOT Prince Ezran!"
"I hit PUBERTY!"
-In the Throne Room-
King Harrow stood in the throne room, a solemn group of guards surrounding him as they helped him don his ceremonial armor piece by piece.
"…You guys checked for spiders, right?" Harrow asked suddenly.
"Of course, my King," a guard answered. He hesitated before continuing. "If I may ask…why are you choosing to wear it now?" Harrow shrugged.
"Hey, I'm gonna die soon, might as well be one fine-ass corpse." Another guard come forward with a tray of makeup and began powdering his face. "Make sure to highlight my cheekbones, they're my best feature-"
Lord Viren entered the room via the large double doors, a whicker basket in hand.
"…That better be the picnic I ordered for my last meal," King Harrow said dangerously.
"Moonshadow Elves are dangerous, elite fighters," Viren began, his voice grim, "and during the full moon, they become nearly invisible. Nothing in the five Kingdoms can stop them. They will find you, and they will kill you, like Liam Neeson-"
"This is the worst pep-talk I've ever gotten-"
"But it doesn't have to be you," Viren finished. He placed the basket on the floor and began to explain. "In here is a Soulfang Serpent. It's bite drains and consumes the spirit of its prey." He carefully removed the lid and glanced inside. "It can- OH SHIT." The basket was empty. "Nobody move!" A guard suddenly shrieked and leaped into the arms of another, a two-headed ebony snake slithering at their ankles. "Don't just stand there! Hurry and catch it or we'll have to use Plan B!"
"Which is?" Harrow cocked an eyebrow.
"We stuff some pillows into your clothes, draw a face on it, and hope for the best." Viren was able to wrangle the snake and held it out gingerly by his staff where it hung, tongues flicking. "Two heads, two bites. Two souls held at once…and through magic, I can switch your spirit with another." He gave the King a level look. "The Elves will find your body-"
"My fine-ass body-"
"…but your spirit will survive."
-With Callum-
"Tell me where Prince Ezran is!" Rayla growled as she loomed over Callum. He backed away from her wickedly sharp knives, wincing.
"I keep telling you! I'M Prince Ezran!"
"Callum," a voice suddenly whispered from close by. Both Rayla and Callum looked up at a large painting of a lady with a flock of sheep. "Psst! Hey, Callum!"
"Shh! Go away!" Callum hissed back. "Now is NOT a good time!"
"…Cuz you're with a girl?"
"Yes, and…uh…we're having sex! Yeah, that's it! We're having it ALL the ways. Hot sweaty sex and you don't wanna see-"
Rayla suddenly punched a fist through the painting, yanking Ezran's head out through the hole. He blinked at them in confusion, eyes darting between the Elf, her knives, and Callum.
"...She's kinky-" Callum began.
"Shut up or we'll have THREE targets tonight!" Rayla barked at him.
"Uhh…jelly tart?" Ezran offered, punching his own hand through the painting. Rayla stared at him for a long, silent moment.
"...Yeah alright." She took the proffered treat and ate it in two bites. "You're Prince Ezran, right?"
"No! He's just a random kid!" Callum cut in, wildly gesturing for Ezran to run. "Go on, scram, you filthy urchin! I told you, I'M Prince Ezran-"
"Callum, what's going on? Why are you saying you're me? You're being really weird, Callum. Callum?" Callum began to sweat profusely as Rayla stared deadpan at him. "Don't ignore me, Callum! Callum, hello? Callum!"
Rayla turned to Ezran and raised her knife.
"Oh and by the way, I found that tart under my bed."
"You found it WHE-OOOOGH!" Rayla doubled over, clutching her stomach and groaning. "Oh GOD, not again! How is there anything left in there?!"
"Quick, follow me!" Ezran grabbed his brother's hand and yanked him through the painting and into a secret tunnel concealed behind as Rayla searched desperately for a suitable houseplant or bucket.
-With the King-
"Yes…yes, I see…" King Harrow was saying to himself, pacing the throne room excitedly. "That's a wonderful idea, Viren! I hide in the body of another, while someone else gets brutally murdered in my place!"
"Yes, my King, I knew you'd see it my way," Viren said smugly.
"Thank you SO much for volunteering, friend. Your death will not be in vain. I'll, like, raise a statue in your honor or whatever. When do we get started? Get that snake over here!"
"Uhhhhh-" Viren gaped at him, eyes wide.
"You…are volunteering," Harrow slowly asked, "aren't you?"
"Well- you see- the thing is-" Viren broke off, beads of sweat popping up on his face as his mind worked furiously. "You don't want my body. I'm getting older, I have back problems, plus I've got this awful case of hemorrhoids that will NOT go away-"
"Viren-"
"I have a tiny dick," he blurted out. "You do not want my dick." He glanced around, then suddenly pointed at a guard. "Frank's got a huge dick. You should totally switch with him. And not me. Cuz of my tiny dick-"
"VIREN." King Harrow finally cut him off. "Calm down. There's no way I would actually do it. I'd rather die a King than live as a coward. Not to mention, I'm hot as fuck." He flipped a couple dreadlocks over his shoulder. "Anyway, I don't trust dark magic. It's what got us here in the first place."
"Don't you talk about dark magic like that to me!" Viren gasped aloud, his eyes flashing angrily. "It's brilliant, it's clever! You just don't understand it like I do!"
"Really?" Harrow scowled, crossing his arms. "Because I think you've changed a lot since you started using it. Suddenly you never have time for me anymore. You're distant and don't communicate! You never think about my wants or needs-"
"Uh, would you like us to leave?" a guard asked uncertainly.
"Oh, no, by all means stay, I want you guys to see this-"
"Oh yeah, bring the guards in!" Viren cried, throwing his hands up. "Make ME look bad!"
"And then you started this unwinnable war, angering the Elves and Dragons by destroying the egg of the Dragon Brat-"
"I was hungry and wanted an omelet!" Viren argued. "I didn't have breakfast! That egg would've become the most powerful creature in the world! I saved Humanity by eating it-"
"It was an EGG!" Harrow exploded, his voice ringing throughout the room.
"And it was DELICIOUS!" Viren shouted right back, shaking his fist at him.
"GET. OUT." Harrow stabbed a finger at the doors, his face a storm of cold rage. Viren drew himself up huffily, stuffed the snake back in his basket, and started for the door. "Also, I am hereby changing your title from High Mage to High Bitchmaster."
"Oh yeah? Well I lied about you being a nine. You're a five, TOPS." Viren sniffed and stormed out of the room, slamming the doors closed behind him.
"I hate it when you two fight!" One of the guards wailed, bursting into tears.
-With the Princes-
The two Princes dashed through a secret stone corridor, rows of blue crystals set into niches lighting the way. Muffled bangs and swears alerted them to the furious Elf still giving chase.
"This way!" Ezran grabbed Callum's hand and led his brother down a branching corridor, where they promptly arrived at a dead end.
"Oh my God, Ezran. I will leave you for her."
"Puzzle time!" Ezran stepped up to the stone wall and began pushing rocks in sequence. "Rock, rock, stone, Dwayne Johnson, stone!" There was a loud click, and a large stone slab on the floor ground open to reveal a winding staircase. They hurried down into a darkened chamber, Ezran pulling a lever at the bottom to close it behind them.
"That's amazing, Ez!" Callum said proudly. "It must have taken you months to figure out the correct combination-"
"Actually I just kinda tripped and fell and somehow flailed the right buttons-"
"Of course what was I thinking-"
"But she'll never be able to follow us!" Ezran beamed up at him. "Check it out! This is my secret base, no girls allowed-" The staircase suddenly groaned to life and lowered back down. Rayla came tumbling head over heels down the steps. "Hey I said no girls allowed!"
"How on earth did you figure out the combination?!" Callum cried in disbelief.
"I dunno, I tripped and fell against the wall and kinda, you know, flailed-"
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME-"
Don't worry, Cal! I got this." Ezran stepped forward, crossing his arms with confidence. "What's the password?"
"Uhh…" Rayla blinked, sprawled upside-down. "Jelly tart?"
"Dang it! She got us!" Ezran threw up his hands in defeat. "We have to let her kill us now, Callum."
"No we fucking don't!"
"You said a bad word twice! I'm telling!"
Rayla stepped into the deeply shadowed room, eyeing the embalmed creatures and grinning skulls lining the shelves with open horror and distaste.
"Runaan was right," she said, her nose wrinkling. "Humans aren't worth saving."
"Hey! That's not true!" Callum protested before a sheaf of his naked lady drawings fell out of his bag. "…Those are for anatomy-"
"Yeah, we're not bad at all!" Ezran joined in. A dozen tarts fell out of his shirt, pilling at his feet. Bait plopped out after and belched. "…I can explain-"
"Humans killed the Dragon Brat," Rayla growled, stepping closer. "Now I'm going to kill theirs."
"You'll have to get through me!" Callum declared, bravely stepping in front of Ezran.
"Sure, that won't be a problem, I think my knives are long enough to skewer you both-"
"WAIT!" Ezran suddenly cried. "You guys need to see something!"
"You're not tricking me again!" Rayla snarled.
"Please, just look!" he pleaded. "It's really important, I swear!"
"Ugh, fine!" Rayla lowered her knives and sighed. "I'll postpone your execution for a few seconds. Hurry and show me."
"Alright. Here. What I wanted to show you guys was…" Callum and Rayla held their breath in anticipation as Ezran grabbed a hanging cloth and pulled it free to reveal- "Lookit this cool taxidermy bear! You can see its pee-pee and everything!"
"Okay, if she doesn't kill you, I certainly am," Callum stated.
"Oh and there's also this fancy egg over here." Ezran pulled another blanket off of a pedestal, revealing a large, glowing egg with speckles of brilliant color.
"It's…the Dragon Brat!" Rayla gasped in disbelief.
"You mean the egg wasn't destroyed?!" Callum's eyes went wide. "It's…it's a miracle! We don't HAVE to go to war! We're SAVED-" He flung his hands apart in joy, accidentally smacked the egg, and toppled it over. Rayla screeched as Ezran dove for the egg, barely managing to catch it just before it hit the ground.
"I don't care if we're not going to war," Rayla growled at him. "I'm still killing you." She stood there for a moment. "Right after I find a bathroom."
-Episode 2 End-