The Dragon Brat
Episode 3
Moonfall
The sun was finally setting over the Kingdom of Katolis, the dwindling rays lighting up the clouds with blazing color. Inside the castle, King Harrow solemnly donned his golden crown, face grave beneath a layer of highlighter. Fully decked out in royal raiment, he checked one last time to make sure his eyebrow game was on fleek, then exited the throne room and walked out into a courtyard where Soren stood, holding out the King's sword.
"Here you are, your highness, I just waxed it-" The sword promptly shot out of his grip and stabbed the violin a man had been playing sad, sappy music on, pinning it to the wall. "…Perhaps too much."
"It's fine, the music was getting annoying."
Soren stepped smartly behind the King, he and several other guards forming an entourage as the group began to walk through the castle. After getting turned around several times, having to ask for directions, and making a quick stop for the King to use the restroom, the procession finally arrived at a spiraling stone staircase and began to climb. They reached the top and entered the King's bedchamber, the chosen location for him to wait out the coming night and the arrival of the Elf assassins.
"I will stand here all night if I have to," Harrow declared boldly as he stood tall, his sword held before him, tip to the floor. "…Actually, someone get me a chair this armor's pretty heavy, and a glass of warm milk- no wait make it coffee I might get sleepy- no wait it might upset my tummy this late at night make it a tea- and my slippers and maybe something to read-" His black bird flew down and perched on his shoulder, chirping. Harrow began making kissy noises. "Aww, hey, Pip! Did you come to say goodni- I just had this shit waxed Pip don't you dare!" His sword went flying again and stabbed into a pillow, feathers flying everywhere. "Godammit!"
"At once, your highness!" The guards all scurried to obey his orders.
"I just don't want to get bored, you know? Who knows how long these assassins will take." Harrow yanked his sword out of the pillow, then nodded toward the bed. "Last ditch effort I seduce 'em." The guards all paused to stare at him incredulously. "Oh, come on. Look at me and tell me you don't want a piece of this."
"…I do," one guard said in the back.
"Called it. But anyway, it's fine, I won't fall asleep," King Harrow went on with confidence. "In fact, I order you to slap me if I start drifting off."
"Uh, isn't it a month in the dungeon for striking the King?"
"Yes, but it's off with your heads for disobeying a direct order," the King answered coolly. "So what's it gonna be?" The guards all gulped.
-Meanwhile-
"I just don't understand why he doesn't want to switch bodies!" Claudia was saying to her father as they walked down a hallway. "I mean, I kinda do, he's like, super hot, but really!" There was a long, thoughtful pause. "He must have a huge di-"
"We are NOT having this discussion again!" Viren cut her off. "He's just being stupid and stubborn! I hate when he's like this! He won't even listen to me. It's like my opinion doesn't even matter to him! Lately I feel like we're just strangers living in the same castle-"
"…Wait are we still talking about you and the King-"
"-and he doesn't appreciate anything I do!" Viren went on as they entered a darkened room. "Not even so much as a 'thank you' for slaving all day over a hot cauldron to make diabolical spells! The nerve of that man-"
"Seriously, did I miss the wedding?" Claudia looked up at a faded portrait of her father and King Harrow, younger and standing shoulder to shoulder with grins on their faces. "What the hell! You guys had photos and everything? Why wasn't I invited?"
"Ah, yes," Viren said, a soft smile on his face as he gazed at the portrait. "We posed for this a few days after his coronation. He insisted I stand next to him for the painting because he knew I would stand by him…through anything-"
"Don't some girls take selfies with their ugly friends so they look better?"
"…That son of a bitch." Face livid, Viren spun around on his heel and stormed out of the room. "I'm shoving this basket up his ass!"
"Dad-"
"Don't even TRY to stop me!"
"Actually I just wanted to know if you guys have a pre-nup aaaaand he's gone." Claudia sighed as her father's angry stomps fading away. Her foot struck something and she looked down to find a scroll on the floor. "What's this?" She picked it up and studied it curiously. "Has someone…been in here? But who? And where did they go?" She glanced up at the ruined painting of the lady with her sheep beside her, a huge gaping hole torn in the middle of it. "…They could be anywhere!" She cried, then dashed out of the room. After a beat, she dashed back in. "…Wait a minute." She paused. "Who shit in the potted plant?"
-With the Princes-
Princes Callum and Ezran stood with Rayla down in the creepy storage room/evil lab, staring at the brilliantly glowing egg of the Dragon Brat in open wonder and disbelief.
"So…this is really the egg of the Dragon Brat?" Callum finally asked, breaking the stunned silence. "Ez, you swear it's not another one of your 'art projects'? I know you've always got glitter on you somewhere-"
"Not true," Ezran said, then threw a handful of glitter in his face. Callum gagged.
"I can't believe it…the egg wasn't destroyed!" Rayla's eyes were shining. "Maybe it can stop the war! This…changes everything!"
"Frieeeends," Callum whispered, inching an arm around her shoulders. She elbowed him hard in the gut, doubling him over.
"Don't fucking touch me."
"He's okay in there," Ezran said, gently placing a hand on the egg. "I can feel it." He paused, then shook the egg a little. "Now he's dizzy-"
"EZRAN!"
"He's laughing! He likes it!"
"But…HOW? Why wasn't it destroyed?" Rayla burst out, shaking her head. "And why is it HERE-"
A loud squawk followed by a series of thuds cut her off. The trio whirled around to see Claudia come tumbling head-over-heels down the winding staircase, finally reaching the bottom with a splat, landing upside-down. She sat up, blowing her hair out of her face.
"Whoa, what's going on? I was following a trail of jelly tarts when I tripped and flailed-"
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME-"
"I know, right? What part of 'no girls allowed' do you not understand?!" Ezran shouted, stomping his foot.
"Oh, sorry, Ez." Claudia stood and started back up the stairs. "…Wait a minute-"
"Who IS this?" Rayla asked incredulously. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion and she drew her knives. "Wait, were you looking for me? Well, you found me, Human! Bring it ON-"
"Actually I was looking for the culprit who shit in the potted plant-"
"Who would DO such a thing?" Rayla asked aloud, quickly putting her knives away.
"Hmm?" Claudia caught sight of the egg in Ezran's arms. She gasped, her eyes going wide. "Oh my gosh, Ezran! …Your newest art project looks great! Even better than your macaroni portrait of your father!"
"Oh. Uh. Yeah. Right." Ezran blinked slowly, then slapped a sticker onto the side of the egg. "Thanks."
"…Is she seriously this stupid?" Rayla muttered under her breath. "Wow, Humans canNOT get any dumber-"
"Good job, Ez," Callum stage-whispered. "She has no idea it's actually the egg of the Dragon Brat!"
"That's the egg of the Dragon Brat?!"
"Okay, wow, I was wrong, they CAN," Rayla growled, glaring at Callum, who winced.
"Dad must have saved the egg!" Claudia said to herself, eyes darting between the thoroughly confused Princes, Rayla, and the egg. "And with it, I can save he and the King's marriage!"
"…Wait what-"
"Alright, nobody move!" She raised her magical orb in one hand threateningly. "I'm wearing woolen socks and I will walk across this carpet-"
"Oh God." Callum's face paled in horror. "Watch out, you guys! She means business."
"Are you kidding me?" Rayla gave him a look.
"You two, get behind me!" Claudia ordered sharply, gesturing at the boys.
"Yes, ma'am!"
"You just wanna look at her butt-"
"Shut up Ez!"
"Don't you get it?!" Rayla shouted over the boys, crossing her arms in defiance. "Your father didn't SAVE the egg! He STOLE it!"
"I'm sure my father had a perfectly good reason for keeping the egg a secret!" Claudia said, then paused. "…And hiding it away…in this dark, secret room…where no-one would find it." There was another pause. "Okay that's actually pretty shady, what the fuck, dad?" She rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Last warning! Ezran, Callum, get over here, NOW!" She began rubbing her feet on the rug, gathering up a charge. The lights started to dim and flicker.
"Hold on! Lemme ask the Dragon Brat what HE wants!" Ezran said, then pressed his ear against the egg's glowing shell. "What's that, buddy? It's okay to be scared. Uh-huh…uh-huh…okay. I'll tell them." He looked straight at Claudia. "He says 'fuck you'." He paused. "I don't know where he learned that kind of language, it certainly wasn't from me. It must have been Callum."
"Bullshi- oh. Yeah, okay. That makes sense."
"Oh, wait. There's more." Ezran pressed his ear to the egg again. "Yeah? Uh-huh, okay, sure." He looked at Callum and Rayla. "He says 'run like fuck'." So saying, Ezran whirled around and took off down a branching tunnel. Rayla scurried after him, and Callum moved to follow.
"Hey, get back here! Don't you want our parents to be happy?! I could be your step-sister!" Claudia leapt forward, hand outstretched, crackling with electricity.
"NOOOO!" Callum stuck out a foot and deftly tripped her, her hand hitting a taxidermy turkey and frying it nice and crispy. Moving fast, Callum grabbed a nearby manacle and clapped it on Claudia's wrist.
"Oh man this is NOT how I imagined chaining you up-"
"What?"
"What?" He stared at her blankly. "Gotta go bye!" He snatched up Claudia's fallen orb and dashed away after the others. After a beat, he dashed back in, grabbing the fried bird and stuffing it into his bag. "Ez might get hungry and we didn't really pack-"
"No, wait, Callum! Get back here! This is a horrible time to realize I have to pee!" Claudia cried aloud as she was left alone in the room. Muttering under her breath, she struggled to the end of her chain, stretching out an arm to light a red wax candle. She reached again, sprinkling some powder over the candle, and chanted some mystic words as the flame changed color.
A toilet poofed into existence.
"Yes, perfect!" She started hiking up her dress. "…Wait a minute. The boys! Shit!" She put her fingers to her mouth and whistled. Instantly a pair of smoky black dogs appeared, growling menacingly. "Fetch!" She commanded, pointing at the tunnel. The dogs took off after their prey, snarling and howling.
"I think there's something after us!" Callum cried as he and the others ran. He looked back over his shoulder and gasped. "Oh, no! We've got- bitch are those Chihuahuas?!"
"Leave this to me!" Rayla whirled to a stop, drawing her knives as the others ran on.
"And leave THIS to me!" Ezran said, leading the way…straight to a dead end. "…Or not."
"Definitely not." Callum glared down at him. "Seriously. I will take the egg and go."
"Ugh!" Rayla growled in frustration as the smoky little dogs darted around her, yipping and biting her ankles. "I can't hurt these stupid things! They're just smoke! My knives go right through 'em!"
"You mean I can't even pet them?" Ezran cried in outrage. "What kind of horrible spell IS this?!"
"Ow! Ouch! Argh!" Rayla yelped in pain.
"Did they bite you? Are you hurt?!" Callum asked, concerned.
"No, they're just SUPER ANNOYING! I wanna punt these bitches to the moon!" Rayla had no choice but to fall back from the dogs' snapping teeth. The trio was cornered in the dead-end, the smoky dogs trapping them and drawing closer. As they shrank away in fear, Callum glanced down at the orb in his hand, a sudden idea occurring to him.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" He cried, gesturing at the dogs. Nothing happened.
"…Did you say Lev-i-OH-sa, or Levi-oh-SAH?" Ezran asked after a moment.
"Wrong fandom!" Rayla shouted.
"Eh, it was worth a shot." Callum shrugged, then gasped as another idea popped into his head. "Aspiro!" He cried, writing a glowing rune in the air, then let loose with a reverberating belch. The dogs were blown away by the powerful rush of fetid air. Silence filled the tunnel afterwards.
"...Did you just burp them away?" Rayla asked after a long moment.
"Yes," Callum answered bluntly. "Yes I did."
"…You have never been cooler to me, Callum," Ezran stated.
"You didn't say that you were a Mage," Rayla commented.
"What?" Callum blinked at her in surprise. "But…I'm not!"
"Uh, you just used magic." Rayla crossed her arms. "So, you're a Mage."
"Wow, really? It's that easy? Alright." Callum grinned. "...Do you think I'm...a-mage-ing?"
"Okay, you ruined it."
"Totally ruined it." Ezran shook his head in disappointment. "You just lost all your cool points."
"IT WAS FUNNY YOU GUYS ARE JUST MEAN-"
-Back in the Tower-
Viren stormed up the spiraling staircase to the King's bedroom, fuming inwardly. A single guard stepped forward to block him, and Viren simply used his staff as a baseball bat and hit a homerun on the unfortunate man's face. No-one bothered to question him afterwards. Once reaching the top, he saw Soren standing guard in front of the double doors, munching on an apple.
"Oh, hey, Dad. What's in the basket?" He paused. "…Is it apples-"
"Do you eat anything other than apples?" Viren cut in impatiently.
"Uh, yeah, duh," Soren rolled his eyes, then began counting on his fingers. "Applesauce, apple pie, apple strudel-"
"Okay, now I'm sure you two aren't mine." Viren blew a sigh out his nose. "Why are you both obsessed with food? Did I not feed you enough as children?"
"-apple muffins, apple crisp, apple cobbler-"
"Out of my way!" He shoved his son aside and pushed the doors open.
-In the Tunnels-
Back in the darkened tunnels, Bait sat on Ezran's head, lighting the way with his glow. Rayla and Callum jogged after him, sticking close.
"Hey, listen," Rayla said, putting a hand on Ezran's shoulder to stop him, "I need you to give me the egg. I have to bring it to the roof right away."
"That might be a problem," Ezran said slowly, turning around. The egg was stuffed down his shirt, making him appear heavily pregnant. "Cuz I'm not due for another month."
"What…why would…look, just…trust me!"
"Oh, yeah, sure! We can totally trust her!" Callum said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "We're best buds! Hey, remember that time you tried to kill me, and that other time when you chased me through the castle with knives?"
"We can relive that memory if you like," Rayla growled at him, then turned back to Ezran. "I'm trying to help you! The other Elves are gonna get here soon. If I show them the egg, maybe I can stop them! Please, just give it to me."
"I'll take you to the roof," Ezran said, waddling away. "Maybe by then my water will have broken." Rayla heaved a sigh as she and Callum followed.
"Make sure to do your breathing, Ez."
"You're not helping!" Rayla snapped.
-With the King-
Viren entered the King's bedchamber, basket in hand.
"ZzzzzGRNKK- I wasn't sleeping!" Harrow snorted awake, jerking up in his chair and blinking blearily.
"There's drool in your beard, my King."
"...Someone's getting dungeon time." Harrow scowled at the guards standing at attention. "You guys are all in timeout. Go!" They shamefully filed out of the room, their heads hanging, leaving the two men alone. Harrow turned back to Viren. "You gotta be firm with them, otherwise they won't learn their lesson." He caught sight of the basket in Viren's hands. "Speaking of which…"
"I have a proposal," Viren said, walking closer.
"I am NOT marrying you."
"I am NOT asking. Not that kind of proposal." He sat down on the bed and placed the basket on his lap. "Let me explain…"
"Mm-hmm," King Harrow grunted, picking up his sword and beginning to sharpen the blade while he maintained eye contact to assert his dominance. It immediately shot out of his hands and pierced a mirror, shattering it to pieces. Harrow continued to stare at Viren, unblinking. "…Soren is never touching my shit again, like, ever." Viren took a deep breath, his face softening as he began to speak.
"Harrow. You…are my King…but you're also more than that. You are my friend. Right now, I do not come to you as my King." His voice began to break as he became choked up with emotion. "I think of you…as my brother-"
"Okay cut the shit. Just tell me what you want."
"I WANT YOU TO QUIT BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND JUST LET THE SNAKE FUCKING BITE YOU-"
"Wait, wait, wait. I see what's going on here." Harrow blew out a sigh and sadly shook his head. "Viren, Viren, Viren. You still think you're a TEN. Well, guess what? You're NOT. You are NOT better than anyone else. You are NOT above the laws of this kingdom."
"…Is this about my DUI because I told you, it was the horse that was drunk-"
"I have an assassination appointment this evening," Harrow's glare grew darker as he went on, "and you are wasting what little free time I have left. I could be letting Ezran paint my toenails again. I could be explaining what a vagina is to Callum. I could be taking a bubble-bath. Hell, I could be doing my fucking taxes, anything other than sitting here, listening to you bitch."
"Harrow-"
"You will address me as 'Your Highness'!" The King cut in sharply. Viren drew himself up, eyes flashing with anger.
"Oh, really? Well, why stop there? Would you prefer 'Your Royal Majesty'? Or maybe 'Supreme Ruler of Katolis'? Or perhaps even 'Super-Mega-King-Optimus-Prime'?"
"…As a matter of fact, yeah, that sounds pretty dope. Call me that from now."
"You are inSUFFERABLE-"
"And you're a whiney little bitch!" Harrow stood, towering over Viren. "I've had it with your little hissy-fits! If today is my last day as King. you WILL know your place."
"And where is that?" Viren asked, voice dripping with venom.
"Right. Here. On your knees." King Harrow pointed at the floor, then paused thoughtfully. "Okay sorry that came out way too sexual. Maybe, like, over there, further away from me, but still on your knees-"
Glaring furiously, Viren stiffly stood and obeyed, kneeling on the floor a respectable distance from the other man. King Harrow loomed over him, Pip flapping over to perch on his shoulder.
"You are a THREE, Viren. You are. A THREE- oh hey baby birdy! You want some more kisses? *Smek smek smek-*" He suddenly looked thoughtful. "I bet it'd be so COOL to be a bird. Fly around, shit on things, do whatever you want. Yeah, it'd be great. But that won't be happening to ME anytime soon, right, Viren?"
"…Of course not, your High-"
"That's Super-Mega-King-Optimus-Prime to you!"
-On the Rooftop-
Rayla stepped out onto the castle ramparts, checking to see if the coast was clear. Her eyes narrowed as she glared suspiciously at the deep shadows, sensing an unseen presence.
"You're here," she said aloud. "I know you are, I can feel it…come out!"
The guard Rayla had met on the rooftop before popped out, waving happily.
"Hey, me again! Just wanted to say that I believe in you and that coach/father figure you complained about is a total loser and you're gonna prove him wrong-" Runaan was standing directly behind the man, scowling with arms crossed. "-so don't let anything that dumbass says get you down, sweetie, he's just an idiot and-" Runaan finally booted him off the roof, then turned to glare down at Rayla. She stared up at him blankly.
"…He was talking about someone else-"
"Rayla. What are you doing here? You were benched for unsportsmanlike behavior, in the penalty box-"
"Runaan, we need to call off the match! Forfeit the game!" Rayla begged. "I found the egg of the Dragon Brat! It wasn't destroyed, it was stolen by their High Mage! The Human Princes found it, and they want to help stop the war-"
"What? NO!" Runaan cut her off. "Humans are liars! This is a trick play, don't you see? It's a blitz! They're using underhanded tactics to break our strategy-"
"This isn't a game!" Callum said, stepping out to join Rayla.
"That's a FOUL!" Runaan piercingly blew a whistle and flung a yellow card at him. "Too many players on the field! I'm giving you a warning. Next time, I cut your head off."
"Ez, show him!" Callum pulled Ezran in front, his shirt still bulging.
"Ok, but you guys are gonna have to tell me when to push-"
"We don't have time for this-" Callum moved to pull open his shirt.
"Get away from me! I told you I'm not having a cesarean, I want a natural birth! No epidural!"
"Oh my God! Fine!" He checked his watch. "How far apart are your contractions?"
"What is wrong with Humans?" Runaan asked aloud. Rayla just shook her head.
"PUUUUSH!"
"I don't know, I really don't."
"Unnggggh!" With an exaggerated grunt, Ezran dropped the egg out of his shirt, holding it aloft with pride. "Yaaay! It's a boy! Now I'm really a mom!" Runaan gasped in awe at the sight of the large, sparkling egg.
"I can't believe it! The egg of the Dragon Brat- why is it covered in Hello Kitty stickers?"
"They were the only ones I had," Ezran explained. "Don't worry, I'll get him more."
"See?" Rayla said. "We can't take vengeance for something that didn't happen! Call it off!" Runaan hesitated, his resolve wavering.
"…No!" He straightened and shook his head. "Humans cheated in the last match. They clearly went against the rules, and won't be forgiven!" He shook his head. "I can't believe I wasted a timeout for this. Give me the egg!"
"Alright, fine!" Rayla snarled, starting towards him with the egg in her arms. Just as she reached him, she suddenly spun, faked right, and dodged around Runaan. "GO LONG!" Rayla hurled the egg, Ezran leaping up to catch the pass. The crowd went wild as he and Callum dashed away. "Run! Go. All. The. Way…to Xadia!"
"Dammit, Rayla! That was a brilliant play! You have so much potential!" Above them, billowing clouds parted to reveal a brilliant full moon. As the moonlight hit them, Runaan and Rayla began glowing ethereally with power. The two squared off against each other, weapons drawn, tension thick. Then Runaan pulled out a coin and flipped it into the air. "Call it."
-Meanwhile-
Back in the secret chamber, Claudia yanked on the chain around her wrist and groaned in frustration.
"Alright. I have no choice." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Looks like I'm gonna have to chew my own arm off to escape. Here we go." She lunged forward and started gnawing ferociously on the appendage, then caught sight of the key to the manacle sitting on the desk beside her. "Oh Thank God I taste HORRIBLE-"
-With the Princes-
Princes Callum and Ezran hurried down into a courtyard, Callum snatching up his younger brother and shoving him deep into an unattended hay cart.
"Time to play Hide and Seek, Ez- oh my God I sound like freaking Soren." He shook his head in disgust. "Anyway. Stay here and keep the egg safe. I'll go talk to the King."
"Why don't you just call him Dad?" Ezran asked, popping his head out of the hay.
"Because one time I tried and bit my tongue halfway through," Callum said bluntly. "The King thought I was having a seizure and started screaming and trying to shove a stick in my mouth. It was awful." He shoved Ezran back into the hay, then ran off. He quickly found the spiraling staircase and hurried up, taking the stairs two at a time.
"Whoa, hold on there!" Soren said when he reached the top, stepping in front of him. "I'm gonna have to see a Hall Pass. Last one we had was a full suit of armor-"
Callum yanked an apple out of his pocket and threw it back over his shoulder. Soren gasped and lunged for it. Distraction successful, Callum ducked past him, reaching for the double doors to the King's bedchambers, only to collide with someone as they exited.
"King Harrow!" Callum latched on, hugging them tight. "Oh thank God, you're still okay! I have SO much dirt to dish about that asshole Viren– why do you smell like old man?" He finally looked up and froze in horror.
"Running to daddy to tattle on me?" Viren bit out, glaring balefully down at him. Callum stared up at him, face blank.
"I would nev- KING HARROW KING HARROW- GAK!" He tried to duck around Viren but was yanked back by his scarf.
-On the Roof-
Rayla and Runaan's battle raged across the rooftops, the pair nearly invisible from the power of the full moon. They leapt back and forth, exchanging blows, sparks flying. Suddenly they paused, looking around in confusion.
"Okay wait hold on I lost you there-"
"I'm over here! To your right!"
"My right, or your right? Seriously, where ARE you-"
"Just…follow my voice! …Marco!"
"Polo?" Rayla shook her head impatiently. "Runaan, come on! You saw the egg! There's no need for this! Can't we just talk about this, please?"
"Alright, fine, if you want to use your timeout- no. Wait." Runaan's eyes widened with realization. "You're trying to stall me!" Rayla gasped in outrage.
"I am not!" She paused. "Quick question though how do you think I'd look with a bob?"
"ADORABLE- hey! Stop it!" Runaan snarled and leapt away, heading towards the distant castle tower.
"Wait, come back!" Rayla shouted, going after him. "I'll…let you polish my horns! Tell me which weapons compliment my eyes! Runaan!"
-With Callum-
"I know what you did! You stole the egg of the Dragon Brat!" Callum shouted at Viren, yanking himself free. He turned to the guards. "Arrest him!" Nobody moved. "Oh, sorry. Please arrest him." Still, nobody moved. "…Simon says 'arrest him'? What am I doing wrong-"
"Seize him," Viren said coldly, and the guards instantly obeyed, grabbing Callum by the arms.
"Okay what did he do differently-"
"Tell me where the egg is!" Viren barked out, looming over him. "TALK, or-"
"I'll cry out! I'll scream!" Callum threatened. Viren simply snorted.
"Oh, please, you think that would stop-"
"RAAAAAAAAAAPE-"
"And you're right!" Viren hurriedly chanted a spell, a smoky green hand appearing and reaching into the open mouth of the Prince. Callum gagged and went to yell, only to find his voice had been stolen.
"Whoa what the hell Dad, are you fucking Ursula?" Soren asked in shock, then paused. "Wait does that make me and Claudia Flotsam and Jetsam-"
"Alright, now tell me where the egg is!" Viren said again. Callum just stared at him, deadpan. "…Oh yeah right."
"You know you could have just punched him in the throat-"
"Want me to steal your voice, too?"
-With Rayla-
Rayla swiftly and silently made her way over the rooftops, dodging patrols of guards as she neared the King's tower. She dropped to the ground and was just sneaking by a hay cart when a familiar glow stopped her short.
"Hello?" She poked her head into the hay to find Ezran sitting inside, the egg and Bait illuminating the small space.
"Hey! What's up? This is my new hang out- oh hey wait what's the password-"
"Where's your brother?" she cut in, impatient.
"He went up to the tower to see Dad." Ezran frowned in concern. "Why? Is that bad? Is it dangerous? Is he gonna die?"
"What?" Rayla blinked. "Oh, no, it's…perfectly fine. We should just…go get him is all. Like right now." She coughed awkwardly. "…In fact let's run-"
-With Callum-
"You are a spoiled little shit!" Viren was shouting at Callum, his face turning red. "You'd better get ready, because things are changing around here! What do you have to say for yourself?!" Callum stared at him silently for a beat, then held up his middle finger. "Okay, that's it! I'm taking his hands, too! What's the spell for that again-"
"You could literally just CHOP THEM OFF, Dad-"
"WILL YOU-"
An eerie wail cut him off as a cold waft of air slid up the staircase, extinguishing all the torches and plunging the tower into darkness. The guards all gasped and clutched each other in fright.
"They're here!" Soren cried, drawing his sword. "Time for extreme Hide and Seek, men! We've trained for this!"
A group of glowing Elves suddenly burst into the room like a hurricane, striking down guards left and right. In the ensuing chaos, Viren was kicked in the dick and dropped his glowing green charm. In a puff of smoke, Callum's stolen voice returned to him, and he gasped aloud, coughing.
"King Harrow! I'll save you!" he cried, starting towards the double doors. "DAD!" He took a step forward, tripped, bit his tongue, and went tumbling backwards out the window, falling into the hay cart with a crash. Rayla and Ezran stood there, blinking.
"OH SHIT HE'S HAVING A SEIZURE QUICK BITE DOWN ON THIS-"
"He's fine," Ezran said quickly. "You didn't talk to Dad, huh?" Callum spat out a mouthful of blood and stared at him.
"Whatever gave you that idea, Ezran."
"Want me to go back in there with you?" Rayla offered generously. "I'll hold your hand if you're scared. Just…wipe it off or something first, I don't want cooties-"
"No." Callum looked at the egg of the Dragon Brat, his expression resolute. "There's nothing we can do there. We should focus on what we CAN do. It's up to us now. We have to return this egg. We have to keep it safe and carry it to Xadia, to its mother."
"I want visitation rights!" Ez cut in.
"We could really change things," Rayla said, smiling wide. "We could make a difference! It doesn't matter that we're barely more than children and have little to no experience in a situation like this and we're in the middle of a WAR!"
"Yeah, just the three of us," Callum said, nodding. Bait let out a high-pitched fart in affront. "Oh, right, sorry. Just the four of us-"
"Five of us?" a stranger asked hopefully, standing off to the side.
"Wait, what? No, go away!" They all stared at him in confusion. "Who the hell are you anyway? You should be in bed, it's like the middle of the freaking night-"
"I brought snacks-"
"Let's hear him out, you guys," Ezran said.
"NO!"
As the stranger sulkily trudged off, the trio departed from the castle, leaving via an arching stone bridge. Callum stopped and looked back at the castle sadly.
"You think Dad'll be okay?" Ez asked in a quiet voice. Callum looked down at him, smiling softly.
"Of course he will! He has the best guards in the Kingdom protecting him." He paused, then lifted up a 'Coping With Loss and Grief' book and began reading aloud. "'Comfort the individual, make them feel safe. Physical affection is a good way of showing them that you love and care for them in this time of need'." He reached out a hand and patted Ezran on the head.
"Yay! I feel so loved and secure!" Ezran beamed up at him.
"Humans are fucking insane," Rayla muttered to herself.
-Back in the Tower-
Runaan, once again visible, staggered out of the King's bedchambers onto the balcony, doubled over and grimacing in pain.
"UGH I knew I shouldn't have worn these boots my feet are fucking killing me-" The white silk thread on his upper arm turned red and fell off, fluttering to the ground. Runaan collapsed to his knees, wrapping the thread around an arrow, then shot it into the sky with his bow. The arrow transformed mid-flight into a bitchin' smoky red bird, which flapped its wings and flew off towards the distant horizon.
"Found you!" Soren cried as he and his men surrounded the Elf, swords out. "It's cool, guys, we won! Hide and Seek is over now-"
"Oh my God just KILL ME-"
"No, no, see, now it's your turn, WE hide and YOU seek, that's how the game goes-"
"END IT ALREADY!"
"…Okay man I was gonna say loser buys lunch but if you insist-"
"Wait!" Claudia suddenly appeared, glaring down at the Elf. "Don't kill him. We can get vital information out of this one."
"Hey, good idea, sis!" Soren readily agreed, nodding. Claudia reached forward and grabbed Runaan by his shirt, hauling him close.
"Alright, you! Where did you get those boots and who does your hair?! Talk!" She gave him a shake.
"Never!" Runaan shouted back.
"Okay I'll be the one asking the questions-" Soren pushed her away, regaining control of the situation. "WHAT IS YOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE YOUR ABS ARE SICK-"
"Alright, ENOUGH!" Viren quickly stepped in, taking over. "BE HONEST AM I A THREE I'M NOT RIGHT I'M AT LEAST A SEVEN-" He stopped himself in time, clearing his throat roughly. "Guards, lock him up. I'll deal with him later." He glanced back at his children. "Why the fuck do you have bite-marks all over your arm, Claudia?"
-Deep in the Forest-
Callum, Ezran, and Rayla ran through the deep, darkened woods, the full moon hanging high in the sky above them, lighting the way. Rayla suddenly jerked to a halt, watching in horror as the white thread around one of her wrists turned a bloody red and fell to the ground. She looked up to see the bitchin' red bird flapping away towards the distant mountains and groaned.
"What's wrong?" Callum asked, noticing Rayla's grimace. "Are you hurt? Or is it- oh god." He shifted uncomfortably. "Don't tell me you...started your period?"
"What? No!"
"What's a period? Is it like an exclamation point?"
"Not now, Ez!"
"It's nothing!" Rayla shouted over the boys to stop them from arguing. "Just that…we should stop and rest soon. It's a long journey to Xadia."
"Oh, don't worry," Callum said to her, smiling. "I'm sure we'll get there in no time. It'll be easy. I'm sure we won't have to make any stops for anything, either-"
"Callum, Callum! I think I wiped my butt with poison ivy-"
"Oh my GOD Ezran. We will leave you."
"Plus I ate a handful of some berries I found and now my tummy hurts-"
"Oh no." Rayla paled.
"Uhhhn my tummy-"
"EZRAAAAAN!"
-Episode 3 End-