The Dragon Brat

Episode 4

Bloodthorsty

The moon shone down on Rayla as she sat quietly on a rock, staring up at the starry night sky. Princes Callum and Ezran lay sprawled out on the grass nearby, snoring peacefully in the soft light of the Dragon Brat's egg. Sighing to herself, she scowled down at the white string around her wrist, tugging at it stubbornly. It didn't budge. Her scowl deepening, she began biting at the string, then cutting at it with her knives, then sawing with a hacksaw-

She froze when she noticed Bait staring at her.

"What're you lookin' at, frog?" she snapped at him irritably. "You want some of this?" He continued to stare at her, unblinking. She glared right back, not backing down an inch. The silent standoff went on for a long moment, the air thick with tension and impending violence-

*Snnnrrrrkkk*

"Oh. He's sleeping with his eyes open. I'm just a bitch." She flinched as a far off bell tolled in the night, glancing back at the sleeping Princes. "Oh my God, SHHH, I just got them down, if they wake up now they'll never- ohhh that's the funeral bell for their father ohhhh noooo now I really hope they don't wake up…" She paused, then resolutely pulled out a chainsaw.

-Meanwhile-

Back at the castle, Lord Viren was leading a funeral procession for the fallen King Harrow. Dozens of soldiers holding torches filed out of the castle after him, the bearers in the front carrying a black, rose-covered coffin. As the long file wound its way down the road, the citizens of Katolis lined the sides, their heads bowed in grief. Several people threw flowers in reverence, while others tossed undergarments.

"Really?" Viren asked after he dodged a bra. The perpetrator shrugged.

"Dude was hot."

"It's crazy to have a funeral so soon, Lord Viren!" a woman in a robe hissed at Viren. "It's tradition to mourn fallen Kings for seven sunsets! It hasn't even been ten fucking minutes-"

"Bitch, do you want one, too?"

"ExCUSE me?"

"Doritos," Viren said, cutting her off. He shook the bag at her. "Want one? No?" He crammed a fistful into his mouth then went on, spraying crumbs. "Look, it's war-time, okay? We need to move on. Pretty soon we'll have plenty more corpses to deal with. I assure you, Opeli, I am being nothing but completely respectful." He opened the King's coffin and tossed the crumpled up empty chip bag inside, letting it fall shut with a bang, and licked the cheesy dust from his fingers. "Okay, let's wrap this up. I've got some plotting to do."

"What?"

"Potting. I said I've got some potting to do. I'm starting a garden, it's very therapeutic. God, Opeli, clean your fucking ears."

The procession slowly made its way to a series of rocky cliffs, old, weathered statues standing tall along the edge of the road. Claudia and Soren walked amongst the mourners, yawning at the late hour.

"Why're you in your jam-jams?" Claudia asked.

"I'm up past my bedtime, what do you expect?" Soren adjusted his apple-print pajamas and check to see that his curlers will still straight. "Seriously, couldn't we have buried the guy in the morning? It's not like he was getting any deader." He hugged a teddy bear to his chest and yawned again.

"Here, drink this." Claudia poured him a small flask of steaming, dark brown liquid. "I call this…'nasty bean juice'!" Soren accepted the cup, gave it a cautious sniff, and took a sip.

"Hey, not bad- Ihavetopoop."

"Yes, that was my other name for it."

The funeral procession finally reached its destination, a stone platform with large unlit lamps. The bearers set the coffin down on the platform, the people of Katolis gathering round. Viren turned to address the crowd.

"Our King has been taken from us," he said, loud for all to hear, "slain by the forces of Xadia…vile Moonshadow Elves. We never even saw them coming-"

"Good one!" someone shouted from the crowd. "…Get it? Cuz they're INVISI-" There was a cacophony of annoyed shushes before Viren went on.

"To me…Harrow was more than a King." Viren's voice thickened with emotion. "He was…my dear friend. He was a great ruler, a sensitive, affectionate man, and a gentle lover- wait WHAT who wrote this?" He held up his eulogy speech and squinted at the writing. "CLAUDIA!"

"You're welcome!"

"I am NOT thanking you!"

"Wait!" Opeli suddenly interrupted. "Where are the Princes? Why aren't they here?"

"Oh, don't worry, they'll be here shortly," Viren assured her. The crowd sighed in relief. "Cuz they're dead too." The crowd gasped. "Oh, did I forget to mention that? Cuz they are. Totally dead. They're so dead, in fact, that we can't even find their bodies. Like, super-dead." The crowd burst into sobs. "We must not let the Moonshadow Elves' actions go unpunished! We must fight back!" He gestured at the Priestess. "Light the pyre!"

"No," Opeli refused, shaking her head.

"You dare disobey-"

"No, actually, I forgot my matches, but you know what? Fuck you." She crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Claudia!" Viren cried, snapping his fingers. Claudia stepped forward, obediently pulling out a glass jar and releasing a large, black spider.

"Okay now I just need to chant the magic words and oh shit where did it go-" Claudia froze, glancing around frantically, then froze again when she caught sight of the spider sitting in the middle of Soren's forehead. He stared back at her blankly.

"…What?"

"Don't move." She leaned forward slowly, then darted out a hand and squished the spider, its innards dribbling down Soren's face.

"…Was that a spider or a zit-"

Flames boiled up from the spider's remains, dramatically flying through the air to light the lanterns before setting the King's coffin ablaze.

"...You know you could've just used a match right-"

"I will burn your eyebrows off."

"When the ruler of Katolis dies," Viren said to the people of Katolis, a thick plume of smoke rising behind him, "we mourn for seven days. But we're at war, so fuck that! Tonight, there will be a coronation!" The crowd gasped in horror. "…With free drinks!" The crowd cheered.

-The Next Day-

Dawn had dispelled the night, giving way to a clear, beautiful morning. Callum sat under a tree in the warming sun, the orb in one hand, humming to himself as he drew in his sketchbook.

"Oh, are you drawing your orb thing? Can I see?" Rayla asked, popping up beside him and looking over his shoulder. He screamed and slammed the book shut.

"I wasn't- I didn't- it's not done yet!"

"…You were drawing more naked ladies, weren't you?"

"No!" He hotly protested, then paused for a beat. "…They're SEMI-naked. In a very artistic, tasteful way."

"Uh huh." Rayla sat down beside him. "Sure thing, Calvin. That's your name, right? Calvin?"

"Ezran said my name, like, a million times last night," Callum said, staring at her incredulously. "I'm pretty sure he spelled it at one point."

"That's what he told me your name was."

"Of course he did." Callum glared over at Ezran, who sat nearby, doodling a tic-tac-toe on the Dragon Brat's egg to keep him entertained. Making a mental note to noogie his little brother at a later date, he raised the stone for Rayla to see. "Anyway, look! This prismatic stone-"

"Primal Stone."

"-holds the pure presence-"

"Pure essence."

"-of a primal soup-"

"Primal source." She smiled and patted his cheek. "Nice try, though. A for effort." He stared at her in horror.

"Oh God is there gonna be a quiz on this I haven't studied at all I'm totally gonna flunk EZRAN get over here so I can write a cheat sheet on you like in school-"

"Wait what-"

"He pays me in tarts!" Ezran said happily, already pulling off his shirt. "Look, here's last semester's mid-term!"

"Whoops. Must have used a permanent marker for that one." His nose wrinkled in disgust. "That or you haven't bathed since then. Not sure I want to know which."

"Here." Rayla reached out and took Callum's sketchbook, ignoring his piercing screech, and flipped it open to find an empty page. "Ew, ew, EW- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT OKAY OH MY GOD FORGET IT." She threw the book back at him in disgust. "…I'll just…draw in the dirt." She grabbed a stick and started scribbling. "So. All magic in the world comes from the six Primal Sources. They're the original and purest forms of magical energy." She sketched a symbol for each source into the soft dirt. "The sun, moon, stars, earth, ocean and-"

"LOVE!" Ezran cried excitedly.

"Cute, but no."

"Aww…"

"The sky," she finished. "To cast a spell, a mage needs primal energy. Like, for that wind spell you did, you'd need a storm or a strong breeze-"

"Or a fart!"

"One more outburst like that young man and I'll have to give you detention-"

"He's not wrong," Callum admitted, a haunted look in his eyes.

"That's it, you're both staying after class." Rayla huffed impatiently. "What I'm getting at is that with that stone, you have all the power of the sky, anytime you want! Primal Stones are incredibly rare and highly sought after, so make SURE you don't misuse it in any way-"

Callum froze in the act of rubbing the orb against Ezran, the boy's arms up, his hair standing on end from the static electricity. Rayla glared at them.

"Okay maybe I should be the one who holds it-"

"But I'm going Super Saiyan! IT'S OVER NINE THOUUUUSAAAND-"

"Wait, hold on!" Callum stared down at the sketches in the dirt, thinking hard. "I swear I've seen these before, at the Banther Lodge! There was this little cube thing with these symbols on it, I'm sure of it! It might be magic." He jumped to his feet. "We have to go get it!"

"Field trip!" Ezran cried excitedly.

"Hold on!" Rayla stopped them short. "Are you kidding me? You really want us to put a halt on our very important task of stopping a WAR and go trolloping off to your little lodge to find some toy box, just on the off chance that it might be magic? Are you really that brainless?"

"…I think you know the answer to that-"

"Yeah you're right it was a stupid question." Rayla groaned in frustration. "We don't have time for this! Have you forgotten about the egg? Returning the Dragon Brat should be our top priority. Doesn't he get a say?"

"He says we should go, too," Ezran said, his ear pressed against the egg. "Also he's bored and wants someone to put the radio on. I'll start singing. Shorty I DON'T-"

"Alright he doesn't get a say."

"Look, Xadia is to the east," Callum argued, grabbing his things and stuffing them into his pack. "So is the lodge! We're heading in that direction anyway! We'll just pop in for five minutes and pop right back out! Easy!"

"Oh, really?" Rayla cocked an eyebrow at him. "And what if it's infested with a certain type of vermin that could be very problematic for us?"

"Then we'll put down some traps and poison, no big deal-"

"You'd POISON other Humans?!"

"What? Oh my God, no! I thought you meant, like, mice or something." He paused. "…I mean it would still work-"

"Calvin!"

"It's CALLUM! And anyway, it's the winter lodge, it's been empty for months! Trust me, okay?" Rayla stubbornly crossed her arms and looked away. Callum sighed, his shoulders sagging. "Listen, Rayla. Princes…are supposed to be good at things, like sword-fighting, or leadership, or kissing unconscious Princesses without consent, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I'm good...at being horrible at everything."

"It's true." Ezran stated. "I've seen him try to hit on a girl and actually hit her."

"There was a bee- you are not helping, Ezran." Callum turned back to Rayla, his eyes wide and pleading. "Please. I just…wanna be a-mage-ing at something."

"…Ugh, FINE. We can go," Rayla finally gave in. Callum and Ezran cheered and high-fived. "…But only if you never use that stupid pun again."

"OH GOD THAT'S A HARD DECISION I REALLY DO LOVE THAN PUN- okay deal, let's go! Thank you so much-" Callum went to hug her and accidentally socked her in the jaw. "Oh god I am SO sorry-"

"See, I told you!"

-Later-

The trio tromped through the woods, the sun warming their backs. Birds chirped in the trees and a pleasant breeze ruffled their hair. All was well. Naturally, it wasn't long before the complaining started.

"Ughhh, my feet are tired. Can we take a break? I'm hungry. I'm like a Hobbit, I have to eat a meal, like, ten times a day. Seriously, can we take a break already? This is child abuse, I'm calling Social Services-"

"Ezran." Callum halted, turning to stare down at him intently. "We have been walking for FIVE minutes."

"Well, you're not carrying a twenty-pound egg!"

"That's because you won't let anyone else hold it."

"Exactly. See my point?"

"I give up." Callum threw his hands up in defeat.

"Calm down," Rayla said, stepping between them. "Here. If you're thirsty, drink this." She held out a glass jar filled with red liquid. Callum gasped aloud.

"What is WRONG with you don't give him THAT-"

"Oh, what? You think it's blood or something?! You think that us Moonshadow Elves are bloodthirsty monsters, is that it?! You racist piece of-"

"…Actually no I thought you might be a raging alcoholic-"

"…I don't know which one is worse." Rayla glared at him while she handed Ezran the jar. "It's moonberry juice."

"…Oh." Callum relaxed. "Sorry to assume-"

"Which I just remembered is alcoholic to Humans son of a bitch-"

Ezran choked on a mouthful, some of it squirting out his nose.

"I'M GONNA GET ARRESTED FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING AND THEY'RE GONNA TAKE MY BABY AWAY NOOOO-"

After wasting fifteen minutes convincing a wailing Ezran that he was not, in fact, going to jail, they continued on through the woods, finally arriving at a large, open area. The Banther Lodge sat in the clearing, an impressive, sprawling wood cabin with multiple levels. Everything was still and quiet.

"See? Nobody's here!" Callum said smugly. "I told you!"

"You also told me that leaf was safe to wipe with," Rayla replied, dead-pan. "I still have a rash." Callum winced in sympathy. "Just tell me where that stupid thing is so I can go get it."

"Okay, it's in the pantry, second shelf on the-"

"I am NOT getting you any food, Ezran."

"But my tarts have all crumbled and congealed into one solid mass!" Ezran raised his pack and shook it. It sounded disturbingly solid.

"Just think of it as one huge tart," Callum suggested.

"…Mega tart," Ezran whispered, his eyes shining.

"Here. It's in the game room." Callum held out a hastily drawn map. "Oh and while you're in there do you think you could check the thermostat I feel like we forgot to put it down when we-" Rayla snarled at him. "Okay cool nevermind just the box is fine thank you so much really appreciate it." She snatched the paper away, glared one last time, and dashed out across the clearing. She easily leapt up onto one of the lower roofs, found an open window, and slipped inside.

"…She literally could've just walked in the front, we keep a key under the mat," Callum stated, then shook his head and took a deep breath. "All right! This was a great idea, everything's going wonderfully!" Ezran hiccupped. "…Most things are going wonderfully! There isn't anyone here…at the location that we were being sent to by the King…to protect us from the evil Elf assassins…" He stared unblinking for a long moment. "…Why do I feel like I've made a horrible mistake-"

A loud, booming blat suddenly cut him off, ringing through the air and their ears.

"Wow, Callum, was that you? I am seriously impressed-"

"That wasn't me, Ezran!"

"Oh. You're still a disappointment to me then." Ezran gazed up at him sadly.

"What the fu- OH MY GOD WHO IS THAT." Callum gaped in horror as a group of soldiers on horseback emerged from the trees, blowing their horn again. He grabbed Ezran's hand and together they hurried to block them from entering the lodge. Ezran hurriedly tucked the egg back under his shirt again, uneasily watching the group approach.

The lead soldier smoothly dismounted their horse and removed their helmet, revealing a middle-aged woman with black hair and a scar on her cheek.

"Aunt Amaya!" the Princes cried in delight/horror.

Amaya's face split into a wide grin, and she tossed her helmet over her shoulder, pegging one of the soldiers. She ran over to the boys and swept them up in a crushing bear hug. She put the boys down and began using sign language.

"Have you gained weight?" her translator, a light-haired man with freckles, said aloud for her.

"Hey Gren- what? Oh! Yeah, he's been eating tarts nonstop," Callum said, chuckling nervously as he ruffled Ezran's hair. "The King's getting a little worried."

"Actually, I'm pregnant and I've made the decision to keep it, so-" Ezran began.

"Hold that thought," Amaya signed, having caught sight of the open window at the front of the lodge. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion as she started towards the door, instantly on red-alert.

"Hey!" Callum jumped in her way. "Hold on! Uhh…could you teach me some more swearwords in sign language? Ezran, too!" Ezran made the sign for 'asshole'.

"Later." Amaya moved past the boys. Callum kept trying.

"Oh wait I just remembered that door is locked we can't go in that way-" Amaya picked up the key from under the mat. "-son of a bitch-" She viciously head-butted the door open, sending it flying off its hinges. "…Why did you get the key then-"

"Someone is here," Gren translated as they walked inside, Amaya scanning the interior of the lodge with a sharp eye.

"What makes you think that?" Callum asked innocently. There was a loud THUD from upstairs, followed by muffled swearing. "…That's probably just a squirrel."

"Really?"

"No, not really, Ezran- I mean…" He cleared his throat. "I just think it would be polite if PEOPLE COMING INSIDE could take off their shoes because THINGS COULD GET MESSY and we don't want to have to LEAVE EARLY because it's dirty or have you guys ABORT MISSION-"

"Why are you shouting?"

"What? What do you mean I'm shouting? I'm going through puberty, I totally can't control it. By all means, COME INSIDE GENERAL AMAYA AND HEAVILY ARMED HUMAN TROOPS WHO PROBABLY WOULD NOT REACT WELL AT ALL TO A MOONSHADOW ELF IF THERE WERE ONE HERE- where's that alarm bell that we ring when there's an emergency-"

"Dad had it removed after I used it one too many times as an alarm clock," Ezran told him. "I wanted waffles."

"Dammit Ezran-" Callum glanced up and saw Rayla clinging to the rafters, glaring at him. "I mean…everyone makes mistakes. And you know what? I forgive you, cuz that's what friends do. Forgive each other." Rayla glared harder. Groaning internally, Callum tapped Amaya on the shoulder before she could head for the stairs. She looked back at him questioningly. "Uhh…Ezran has something to tell you." He shoved his little brother forward, who stared up at Amaya with big eyes.

"I'm an alcoholic," he said matter-of-factly.

"Well that backfired-"

"Boys, what is going ON-"

"He's just hungry is all!" Callum burst out. "We…haven't had breakfast."

General Amaya gasped in horror, then punched a fist through the cupboard door. She pulled out a baguette and squinted at it in appraisal.

"This food is a little stale," she signed, smacking it against the counter. It split in half with a crunch. The counter, not the baguette. "…I'm keeping this."

"So, um…what brings you here?" Callum asked curiously as he and Ezran sat at the dining table. "Not that we mind, of course, it's just that we could have used a little WARNING or HEADS UP-"

"Callum, she knows, I don't think you have to yell anymore-"

"I just wanna yell, okay? It makes me feel better. I'm very stressed right now."

"I received a messenger bird from the King yesterday," Gren translated as Amaya held up a scroll. Callum's hand immediately went for his, and he gasped as he realized it was gone.

"GOD what else can go wrong-"

"General Amaya!" a soldier suddenly called from upstairs. "We've found an Elf!" The Princes stiffened in horror. "…on a shelf! Must have been left over from Christmas or something. Can we put it up on the fireplace?"

"Jesus I think I peed a little." Callum sagged in his chair. "This day cannot get ANY worse-"

"WE HAVE AN INTRUDER!" another soldier bellowed, stomping into the room. The Princes froze again. The man held up a ladybug. "Look at this cute lil' guy. Go, be free!" He opened a window and let it fly away.

"Okay, now I KNOW I peed a little." Callum looked at Amaya, desperate to change the subject. "So, uh…what did the message say?" Gren unrolled the scroll and began to read.

"Butter, milk, eggs-"

"He sent you his grocery list? Oh my God not again-"

"Oh no, it's written in highly sophisticated code," Amaya signed back. "It translates to: General Amaya, we have uninvited guests. No, not the in-laws, nothing so bad as that. Just Moonshadow Elves coming to assassinate me. Rude. Go to the Banther Lodge, the boys will be there. Keep them safe. I'll pay the usual rate. Also, I know this is a bit redundant but could you please pick up some milk, we're all out. Ezran keeps drinking it all."

"I'm a growing boy!" Ezran stated proudly. "I need strong arms so I give the best hugs."

"Don't worry. You're safe now, boys," Amaya signed to them. Ezran reached forward and tried cutting the bread on her sword. It snapped cleanly in half. The sword, not the baguette. "…Okay seriously I'm keeping that."

-Later-

Later that day, General Amaya's troops patrolled the Banther lodge, both inside and out. A pair was busy fixing the ruined front door while others made sure the building was secure.

"Can you guys put in a little doggie door so Bait can go outside and piddle?" Ezran was asking the pair at the door. "He has a sensitive bladder."

"Uuuuggghhh, this is all my fault, we should've never come here," Callum groaned to himself, slumped on a couch and watching the commotion.

"But we found Aunt Amaya," Ezran said, wandering over. "Hey, maybe we should tell her about Rayla and the egg-"

"What? No! No way! That's an awful idea. Look, I know that she's our aunt, but I think she's a little bit…racist." He leaned closer to Ezran, whispering in his ear. "One time I heard her say that she thought Elves were elegant." He sat back and shook his head sadly. "Sorry, but it just won't work. Humans and Elves don't trust each other, and that's not gonna magically change overnight." He paused. "Until we bring the egg back to Xadia, and then it does. Anyway. We should find Rayla and get out of here."

"Okay, that's easy," Ezran said, then took a deep breath. "RAYLAAAAA-"

"EZRAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING-"

"Aww, look at the little Prince, playing with his imaginary friend!" The soldiers all cooed. "So cute!"

"Suckers." Ezran grinned back at Callum and winked.

"You're terrifying."

"Wrong. I'm adorable. RAAAAAYLA-"

-Meanwhile-

Rayla slipped through the lodge on silent feet, sneaking around soldiers patrolling the hallways and hiding from sight. A lampshade on her head served as a perfect disguise, and the soldiers strolled right past. Finally arriving at a door, she slipped inside.

"It's the winter lodge, Rayla, no-one will be there!" she muttered mockingly, rolling her eyes. "I draw boobs all the time despite never having seen a real one! Mehhh!" She shook her head and, checking her map, discovered that she had found the game room. She began to search through the clutter, sifting through sleds, board games, and old toys. After a brief pause to play with a light-saber and make accompanying sound effects, she found a small, engraved box and snatched it up. She dumped out the contents, revealing some keys and a strange cube with symbols on its sides.

"Alright, found it! Now I can-" Rayla turned around, coming fact-to-face with General Amaya. The two stared at each other for a long, silent moment. "…Did you want to play me or-"

General Amaya snarled fiercely, raising one arm and smashing down-

A chess piece.

"Oh, it's ON, bitch," Rayla said, her eyes narrowing. The following battle was horrific. No quarter was taken, no mercy shown. The casualties were many, none were spared. A complete bloodbath-

"Checkmate!"

General Amaya sat back, scowling in frustration. Rayla smiled smugly, crossing her arms. After a pause, Amaya angrily swept the board and pieces away, then held up a box of checkers. Rayla sighed.

"Alright, fine. Best two out of three."

The second battle raged on. Blows were exchanged, losses taken. Both sides fought fiercely until one victor reigned supreme-

"King me!"

Rayla triumphantly threw her arms up. General Amaya kicked over the table and began to sign.

"Uh, sorry, I don't understand sign language," Rayla said bluntly.

Amaya sighed and held up a finger for her to wait. She got up, punched the door off its hinges, and walked out. Rayla waited. Several minutes later, Amaya returned, put the door back on, closed it, punched it open again, then walked in with Gren in tow.

"Aww, now we're gonna have to fix this door too-" Gren cut off as Amaya started to sign again. "Would you like to play…Pin the Elf…to the Wall?"

"Pin the Elf to the Wall? I'm sorry, I don't know that one- ACK!" General Amaya slammed her shield forward, pinning Rayla to the wall by her neck. "Oh, okay. Now the name makes sense." She looked up to see Amaya cocking a fist and gulped. "…Best three out of five?"

*Whack!*

"Gosh, ma'am, you're so good at that game," Gren said as Rayla slumped over, unconscious. "You have the high score and everything." He paused. "Also, the Princes are missing again." Amaya stomped her foot and began signing like crazy. "…That is the filthiest thing I've ever heard."

-Later-

Evening was falling, the sky darkening to dusk as Rayla finally awakened. She groaned and looked up to find herself tied to a wooden beam in the middle of a room. General Amaya and Gren stood before her, faces grim.

"Alright, Elf," Gren translated for Amaya, "TALK."

"Okay, sure," Rayla replied pleasantly. "Here, I'll even sign it to you." She held up both middle fingers.

"Your accent is terrible." Amaya glared at her. She turned to several soldiers in the back. "There might be more of them. If so, Princes are in danger. Do NOT take your eyes off of her, even for a second. Don't even BLINK." She and Gren left the room, the two remaining soldiers staring unblinkingly at Rayla for several long moments.

"…Oh no, I feel a sneeze coming on!"

"Don't do it, man! Don't do it!"

Rayla rolled her eyes.

One floor up, the missing Prince's huddled together in a quiet room, carrying out a well thought-out and cunning plan.

"This is one of your weirdest ideas yet," Callum grumbled as he slowly lowered the dumbwaiter. "And I've seen you pretend to give birth."

"Shhh! Don't let him know he's adopted. Anyway, don't worry," Ezran assured him, helping him with the rope. "She'll know what to do."

Bait was slowly lowered into sight, sitting amiably in the dumbwaiter. Rayla and the two soldiers just stared at him in silence, dumbfounded.

"…I have absolutely no idea what to do-"

Bait exploded with light, the brilliant flash blinding all three of them.

"AAAAAA- oh, NOW I know- AAAAAA-"

Callum and Ezran stood by the dumbwaiter's opening, hearing a cacophony of screams come up the shaft, Rayla's included.

"Yeah, okay, she didn't know what to do," Ezran admitted. "I knew I should have gone with Operation Mega-Tart-"

"Will you stop feeding people your nasty tarts man-"

"Ga-CHOO!" The guard finally sneezed, his head snapping forward violently. He cracked heads with the other guard, knocking them both unconscious, and collapsed. Rayla's confiscated knives fell out of the guard's pocket, snapped open, bounced, spun through the air, and slammed into the post, slicing her free.

"…I'm so mad I wasn't able to see that!" Rayla cried in outrage. Feeling around blindly, she scooped up Bait and exited the room, stumbling towards the stairs. She ran into Callum and Ezran, literally, and all three tumbled to the bottom in a pile of limbs.

"Alright, who's horrible idea was that?!" Rayla demanded, sitting up. "I'm looking at you, Callum." She squinted an eye open. "All…FOUR of you."

"It was mine, actually."

"Oh well then you did your best sweetie." She patted Ezran on the head. "Now come on!" Together, they ran out of the lodge into the deepening night. Soldiers caught sight of them and hurried to intercept, pulling out weapons. They were quickly surrounded and forced to come to a halt, arrows bristling from all sides.

"Game over!" General Amaya stepped forward, signing. "I win this one, Elf. Boys, come here."

"This could get ugly," Rayla said under her breath.

"We should just tell her!" Ezran hissed, tugging at Callum's sleeve.

"No, wait, I have a better idea!" Callum stepped away from the others and started signing. Amaya face grew paler as he continued, and she gaped in shock when he finished.

"…What? What did you just say?" Rayla asked, confused.

"He said…" Gren answered quietly, "if we don't let you go, you'll kill them and drink their blood. That you're… a monster." Everyone gasped. Amaya began to sign, Gren translating.

"Callum…that is a HORRIBLY racist thing to say, I am VERY disappointed in you. Go sit in the corner, you're in timeout."

"Callum what the hell!" Rayla glared at him in fury.

"Oh, so now I'm the racist one?!"

"At least you're woke about it," Ezran said. Callum gaped at him.

"Look, just let us go!" Rayla begged. "I don't want to hurt anyone-" An arrow shot through the air, whipping past her face and neatly slicing off one of her braids. "…Except whoever the fuck did that. You're fucking dead, that was my favorite braid-"

"Hold!" Amaya glared back at her troops. "Which one of you was premature?" They all looked at the ground, shame-faced. "It's not a big deal, plenty of men have the same problem, especially when they get older-"

"Enough!" Rayla cried. "Back off, or…" She paused, searching. "Or…I'll use the bread on them!" She pulled out the dreaded baguette and brandished it menacingly.

"Back off, men!" Amaya quickly signed, taking a step back. "She's got a deadly weapon!" Her men obediently fell back. Rayla hauled her hostages away, the two doing their best to pretend to be scared.

"Oh, no! Help us! She's stealing us away- hold my hand, Rayla, we're crossing the road- help us! Heeeelp!"

"Ow. Whatever shall we do? Ow- okay, that actually really hurts, Rayla-"

"Good," she growled at him, squeezing his arm tighter. She dragged the pair down some stairs to a small wharf. The two boys immediately jumped into the waiting boat while Rayla hesitated.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rayla said quickly. "It's just…no lifejackets? Is that thing up to code? Seriously not even a pair of floaties-"

"We don't have time for this!" Callum grabbed her hand and hauled her into the boat. The current took them, the rowboat moving down the river, under a stone bridge. Several of Amaya's soldiers watched from above, crying and waving handkerchiefs in farewell. One threw a handful of confetti.

"If she realizes we've followed them, she'll kill them for sure," Amaya signed to her soldiers. "We need to be careful. Corvus!" A dark-skinned man with a ponytail stepped forward, saluting smartly. "You are the best huntsman in the land. Track them down, but don't let them see you. Try and free the boys when you can." He nodded, licked a finger to test the wind, then picked up a pile of horse droppings and took a big whiff. "…Why would you need to smell that-" He turned, began following his own footsteps, then promptly ran into a tree. He stood up, wobbling a little, and staggered off into the woods. "The rest of you, ride with me." She paused. "But first, who needs to use the bathroom? Hands up." Everyone raised their hands. "You guys are worse than a group of pre-schoolers."

-With the Kiddos-

"Oh my GOD, I can't believe that worked," Callum sighed in relief, flopping down into the boat as they drifted along the river.

"I CAN believe you're such an ASSHOLE!" Rayla shot back, sitting in the front with her hood up. She glared back at him sulkily. "Those things you said about me really hurt my feelings! You're awful!"

"Yeah, Callum!" Ezran agreed. "You're being a terrible role model to my young impressionable mind!"

"What? No, I'm not the racist one! Rayla, please. I didn't actually mean any of those things, I was just trying to scare Aunt Amaya using HER latent racism, not mine. I'm sorry, Rayla, really! Rayla? Hey, don't pretend like you don't hear me, you can't not with those ears- oh my God I'm doing it again-" Rayla flung the cube at him, cracking him right between the eyes and stopping him short.

"Your stupid box thing is just a toy anyway," she said acidly. "It was a complete waste of time. I hope it was worth putting everyone's lives in danger."

Callum's shoulders slumped in shame, the cube falling from his hands. It bounced under the seat and landed next to the Primal Stone, where it began to glow with a soft light.

"I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MAGIC I'M STILL MAD-"

-Back at the Castle-

Back at the castle, Lord Viren was busy getting ready for his upcoming formal announcement to the citizens of Katolis. He stood in his chambers, several guards standing nearby, helping him get dressed.

"I don't care if it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me how my butt looks in these pants-"

"Dad, seriously! Wrap it UP," Soren interrupted, appearing in the doorway. "Not just talking about your smelly old man junk, either. It's almost time to crown the new King!"

"Alright, fine, I don't need you idiots to tell me it's a ten, I already know." Viren shooed the guards away, scowling at his son. "Since when are you my secretary?"

"Since you fired Claudia for that touching eulogy." Soren took a sip of his drink. "So, who's the sad sack who got stuck with the job-"

"Me."

Soren spat his drink out on an unfortunate guard.

"YOU? You're gonna be King?" He sputtered for a moment, then stopped. "Ohmigosh wait this is great can you Knight me I wanna be known as Sir Gala-badASS-"

"What's with you? Why are you so…jittery?" Viren eyed his son suspiciously. "Have you been drinking too many protein shakes again-"

"Oh, it's not that! I've been drinking Claudia's 'Nasty Bean Water' and I've been awake for twenty-four hours, non-stop!" He paused. "Also pooping-"

"Oh God, not you too." Viren groaned, rubbing his face. He walked over to stare patronizingly at King Harrow's pet bird, Pip, locked away in his cage. "What, no song today?" he asked mockingly. Pip stared at him in silence, then let out a long, piercing fart. "…That's close enough!"

Taking a deep breath, Lord Viren checked his butt in the mirror one last time, then stepped through the doors and out onto a balcony. The people of the kingdom were gathered beneath, waiting to hear any news.

"People of Katolis!" He said grandly, his voice carrying across the courtyard. "I know it's been hard, losing our beloved King, as well as his sons, our Princes, because they are, in fact, and once again, totally super dead. I mean, what a coincidence, us not having any heirs to the throne or anything, leaving it totally up for grabs. What a dick move. But we can't let ourselves falter now, we must fight back! Though it is a heavy burden, I will humbly take up the battle in Harrow's name. I shall become Lord protector of the realm! Do not thank me!"

There was a long, awkward silence from the crowd.

"…You really don't have to," someone said. "Like, someone else could do it. Literally anyone else-"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm doing it anyway!"

"Shouldn't we at least vote-"

"This isn't American Idol! Crown me already!" Viren turned from the crowd, scowling. The citizens began to mutter to themselves as Opeli came forward, a sour look on her face, the golden crown in her hands.

"Okay, bend over-"

"Have I mentioned that I'm looking for a new High Priestess?"

"Kneel. I meant kneel." Opeli scowled unhappily. Lord Viren knelt, his head bowed as she leaned forward. The crown brushed his hair-

A loud, booming blat suddenly sounded, freezing everyone in place.

"GoDAMMIT Claudia that is the worst timing-"

"It wasn't me, Dad! Honest!"

Lord Viren looked up to see General Amaya and Gren come riding in on horses, reigning them to a halt in the middle of the crowd.

"Stop the coronation!" Gren translated as Amaya signed frantically. "The Princes are ALIVE!" Viren drew in a hissing breath.

"Those stupid motherfucking-"

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"...ELVES didn't kill the kids! That's great news!" He managed a constipated smile, one eye twitching. "Where are those little rascals? I just wanna…HUG 'em to death."

-Episode 4 End-