The Dragon Brat
Episode Six
Through the Lice
Morning dawned in the woods, the sky just beginning to lighten. Callum slept beneath a large tree's roots while Ezran slept on him, and Rayla lay on the roots above them like a super shitty bunk-bed. She rolled over with a groan.
"Ow, my arm, did I sleep on it funny or some…?" She opened her eyes to see the white thread had tightened around her wrist, leaving her arm horribly swollen and discolored. She stared at it for a long moment, then rolled back over and closed her eyes. "Yeah fuck this I'm going back to sleep, it's too damn early to deal with this shi-"
*Poot!*
"Well NOW I'm up. Thanks a lot, Ez- WAIT A SECOND. He didn't giggle like he always does. And it doesn't smell like rotten jelly tarts. That wasn't him!" She sat bolt upright, instantly alert. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. "…Someone's here." Drawing her blades, Rayla slipped off her perch and Naruto-ran into the woods to investigate, yelling, "Sasukeeeeeee!". After a few minutes of fruitless searching (like, literally, she couldn't find a single apple or pear), she lost her patience.
"Alright, come out!" she called aloud. "I know you're there!" After a tense moment, a fawn popped out of the bushes. She stared at it blankly. "…But how would that explain the-" The fawn ripped a huge fart. "…Okay, ew. Mystery solved." Stepping closer, the fawn sniffed curiously at Rayla's purpling hand, gently licking at it. "Aww. That's sweet, but I don't think that's going to fix-"
*CHOMP*
"OW! Shit! Okay, never mind, it's just hungry, fuck OFF you little Bambi bitch!" She punted the fawn away and cradled her hand, then sighed to herself. "Calm down, Rayla, get a grip. You don't have to be so paranoid. Not everything is out to get you- oh my God are those BERRIES?" She gasped in delight as she caught sight of a bush filled with delicious-looking berries. Having not learned her lesson at all, she ran straight for it-
And was immediately snared around the ankle and yanked up off her feet. Corvus, General Amaya's tracker, leapt out of the trees and laughed triumphantly.
"Ha-ha! GOT you, Elf!" He stood there for a minute. "…Thank god it was you this time, I'm so tired of yelling that. You would not believe how many other things I've caught in that snare. Like, five rabbits and a fox. Oh, and a deer that wouldn't stop farting."
Hanging upside-down, Rayla gaped at him in shock.
"YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH." She paused, then reached down and grabbed a handful of berries, cramming them into her mouth. "I will deal with you in a minute."
-With the Boys-
Back at the tree, Ezran sat up, yawning and stretching.
"Ugh, this mattress is the worst, it's all boney knees and elbows." He gave Callum a smack, then noticed Rayla was missing. "Callum, wake up! Rayla's gone! This is an emergency!" He paused. "She didn't ask what I wanted for breakfast before she went to order from Mcdonald's—I don't want the Egg McMuffin I want the Happy Meal with the toy—or no wait maybe she went to IHOP yeah that would make more sense- CALLUM!"
"I wasn't dreaming about Claudia!" Callum cried, sitting up in a flurry. "…That's just a baguette in my pocket-"
"Where's the egg?"
"Where's the wha- oh SHIT the Dragon egg Rayla TOTALLY took it while we were sleeping oh my GOD we're idiots I knew we shouldn't have trusted that damn elf-"
"Actually, no, I meant the eggs for breakfast, I'm, like, really hungry." Ezran opened his pack to reveal the Dragon Brat's egg still there. "See, he's here. Safe and sound."
"…Oh." Callum relaxed. "…But that doesn't mean we can trust her, okay?"
"Aww, look, Rayla put in padding so he'd be more comfortable! That was nice of her."
"…That still doesn't mean-"
"Plus she tucked us in, read us a story and kissed us goodnight before we went to sleep." He pointed at a lipstick mark on the egg.
"Dammit, Ez, I'm trying to make a point!"
"I don't care! I like her!" Ezran glared at him. "Is this because she's an Elf? It seems like everything we've ever heard about Elves is wrong. She doesn't randomly break into song and dance or fart pixie dust and she doesn't know who Orlando Bloom is!"
"That's not what I was going to say- listen to me!" Callum shook his head. "She's not telling us everything. I can feel it."
"So what?" Ezran said. "I don't tell you everything. Like how your hair is probably full of spiders from sleeping under a tree."
"My hair is full of whaAAAAAA-" Callum broke off screaming as spiders started crawling out of his hair.
-With Rayla-
Rayla dangled upside-down from a tree branch, at the mercy of Corvus. He pulled out a wiffle bat and brandished it.
"Release the Princes or I'll beat you like a piñata!" he said threateningly. "And it won't be candy that comes out of you!" He paused. "Which is a shame, because I like candy, especially-"
"You're wrong!" Rayla struggled in vain. "They aren't my prisoners, they choose to travel with me!"
"Lies! I've been watching you for days now! I've seen you grab the younger Prince and grapple him until he wets himself with fear and begs for mercy!"
"…You mean our tickle fights?"
"…Alright, fine, then why do you frequently beat the older Prince to a bloody pulp?" Corvus demanded.
"…Because he's a disgusting teenage boy with raging hormones and no concept of personal boundaries-"
"Oh. Ew. Okay, yeah, I'm sure he definitely deserved it."
"Anyway, they're my friends now! We're all pals!" Rayla pointed at the thread around her wrist. "…See this? Friendship bracelet."
"It looks…a little tight."
"It's Ezran's fault- I mean, uh, we're, like, super best friends."
"But…you killed their father," Corvus pointed out.
"I didn't kill anyone!" Rayla argued.
"Your leader did. What's the difference?"
"…I'm not him?"
"Fair point." Corvus shrugged and started lowering her to the ground. "Hey, wait. They don't know he's dead, do they? You guys aren't friends at all! Friends tell each other everything, like celebrity crushes and makeup secrets, especially since you guys just had a slumber party last night! I know, you were smacking the shit out of the older Prince with your pillow-" Rayla suddenly swung herself forward and shoved, sending him tumbling backwards down the steep ravine behind him. As she pulled free from the snare, Corvus got back to his feet and glared up at her.
"Savor your victory, Elf!" he shouted. "Next time, you won't be so lucky!"
"Says the guy who's in a ditch!" Rayla snarked back.
"Did you just call me a bitch?"
"No, I SAID you're in a DITCH!"
"I ain't no snitch!"
"Oh my God I'm done."
"You're right, this isn't very fun."
"I'M LEAVING NOW."
"How dare you call me a cow! You haven't seen the last of me!" Corvus continued to yell. "I'm a survivor! It's just me! Alone! Man versus wild! I'm not naked and afraid!"
"Bear."
"Yeah, I was trying to think of how to incorporate another Bear Grylls reference-"
"THERE IS A BEAR BEHIND YOU."
Corvus finally turned around and saw the huge animal looming over him.
"Oh. I see." He stared for a long moment, then ran off screaming, the bear close behind.
"What a fucking morning," Rayla grumbled, turning to leave.
-Back at Camp-
Back at their makeshift camp, the boys were brushing their teeth with twigs, combing their hair with pinecones, and gargling with nasty pond water.
"You were talking in your sleep," Ezran said after he spat. Callum went visibly pale. "What were you dreaming about? You said something about peanut butter-"
"I was dreaming about…uh…peanut butter sandwiches!" Callum blurted out, sweating. "…Sexy, sexy peanut butter."
"Is that why you were moaning? Was the sandwich really that good? I mean, maybe if it was a grilled cheese, but peanut butter?"
"Listen, Ezran." Callum clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder and pulled him close. "In a few years, when you're older, we'll sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about sandwiches, okay buddy? All the different kinds. Even the toasted ones." Ezran stared at him incredulously.
"…And by sandwiches, you mean sex, right? Because I honestly don't care, I'd rather just talk about sandwiches-"
Rayla came flipping down from the trees, landing in front of them.
"Alright, move it!" she shouted, clapping her hands. "Time to go! We need to leave right NOW!"
"…Yeah I'm not moving until I get my breakfast," Ezran stated bluntly.
"Wait, what? Leave? Why, what's going on?" Callum asked in alarm. "Why do you look like you were hoisted upside-down and beaten like a piñata-"
"I…uh…" Rayla thought quickly. "I shit my pants." The boys stared at her. "That's right. I found some more berries, ate 'em, and shit my pants."
"Oh please," Callum snorted, crossing his arms. "Like you had anything left in you after those berries completely cleaned you out. Just like the last time. And the time before that. And the time before-"
"Okay, fine!" Rayla threw her hands up. "You got me. I didn't shit my pants."
"Alright. So then why are you in such a hurry for us to leave-"
"I just straight up murdered someone back there-"
"Cool! Can we see the body? Can I poke it?"
"Ez, that's disgusting. At least use a stick or something."
"What? No! What is wrong with you two?" Rayla gaped at them in horror. They just shrugged.
"Anything else?" Callum asked, cocking an eyebrow. Rayla stared at him blankly.
"…I started my period."
"EZ START WALKING."
-Back at the Castle-
Soren jogged up the castle stairs, reaching the rooftop and jogging over to where his father was standing on the battlements. He paused for a second to check his heart rate, drank some water, then started doing squats.
"Hey, Dad! You wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes. We have…important matters to discuss," Viren began.
"Ohmigosh you're finally letting me design a workout routine for you? Alright! We'll get you out of that crusty old Dad-bod before you can-"
"Soren! Focus!"
"Sure thing, Dad!" Soren was on his back, doing bicycle crunches. "Ooooh, feel the burn!"
"This evening," Viren said with great seriousness, "you and your sister will be departing on a mission to search for the Princes. This mission is critical to the future of our Kingdom."
"Don't worry, we got this! We'll find them in no time!" Now Soren was using a Bowflex. "We makin' gains. We makin' gains!"
"Which is why I want you to fail it."
"What?!" Soren stopped mid-flex and gaped at his father, confused. "But…we have to find them! I don't have the title of reigning champ of Hide and Seek for nothing! Do you want me to lose my trophy?!"
"Oh, you'll find them, alright," Viren told him. "You are to return with the news that you have found the Princes'…" Soren brightened. "…BODIES."
Soren let go of the Bowflex's handles in shock.
*Wha-PISH!*
"Ow FUCK my eye!"
-Meanwhile-
Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had left the forest behind and were now climbing a rocky cliff, walking along a wide dirt path.
"Hold it," Rayla said, stopping in her tracks and studying the road with a critical eye. "This way is too easy."
"Hey, you're not the one carrying a twenty-pound egg!" Ezran cried.
"Yeah!" Callum joined in. "And you're not the one carrying the kid who is carrying the twenty-pound egg!" He paused, Ezran riding piggy-back behind him. "…Seriously how did this happen, I can't even remember why I agreed to-"
"Peanut butter."
"Giddy-up!" Callum hiked him up higher.
"This path is too well traveled," Rayla explained to them. "Sooner or later, we're going to run into somebody, and I don't wanna have to dump someone else in a ditch."
"…Wait what-"
"Okay, if you really did murder someone, we're gonna need to come up with some alibis and get our stories straight," Ezran said. "You and Callum are married, and I'm your son, Lester." He held up the egg. "This is a volleyball."
"We're going up this way." She pointed at a much steeper, rougher path straight up the mountainside, littered at the bottom with shattered skeletons. "Tougher terrain is safer for us."
"Aww, it was already hard enough!" Ezran complained. "Do you have any idea how heavy this egg is?"
"No, because you don't trust me to carry it!" Rayla snapped at him testily.
"Okay, let's compromise. You can carry the egg if you carry me, too."
"Oh my God please do it I'm so tired he's much heavier than he looks- wait, no!" Callum stopped himself and shook his head. "Should we trust you? Have you been truthful about everything?"
"The truth is you're a dick! Forget it." Rayla rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Keep your stupid egg, see if I care! Now let's get going." She turned to the steep cliff and pulled out her climbing gear, including crampons, ropes, pitons and a climbing axe.
"I knew we forgot to pack something," Callum muttered under his breath.
-Back at the Castle-
"Okay, wait, hold on." Soren held up a hand, the other pressing a bag of ice to his swelling eye. "Why would we want to tell everyone that the Princes are dead? I mean, other than the fact that you already told everyone that they were completely, totally, and a hundred percent dead."
"The coming war will determine the fate of Humanity," Viren said solemnly. "History has come to a crucial tipping point-"
"Like a seesaw!" Soren cried in sudden understanding.
Viren stared at him in silence, then spun around and walked away. He turned a corner and was out of sight. After a pause, there was an anguished scream. A few moments later, Viren shuffled back around the corner to his son's side, a defeated man.
"Yes…Soren…history is like…a seesaw," he said hollowly. "And the Elves are like…mean bullies that are keeping us from playing with all the cool slides and stuff in Xadia. Which is why we want to *HURK*-" He dry-heaved but forced himself to continue. "…Want to…get them back."
"So, takesie-backsies but in like, a good way."
Viren was sweating profusely by now. "Yes. But…if we're led by a kid-"
"Oh my GOD that would be so awesome we would have ice cream for supper and get to stay up late watching scary movies and, and-" Soren noticed his father's murderous glare and cut himself off. "I mean…it would just, like, totally suck." Viren nodded.
"Our enemy forces will crush not only us, but all the five Kingdoms." Soren just stared at him. "…We'd all be…grounded."
"Okay, so I think I understand now," Soren said slowly. "I'm supposed to come back with the news that they're dead. But…what am I supposed to do if we find them… alive?"
"Oh, you'll know the right thing to do," Viren said, his voice heavy with dark intent.
"…Right! Give them a hug and tell them everything is going to be okay!"
"Soren. Listen." Viren pinched the bridge of his nose. "If something were to happen and they were to get hurt-"
"No problem!" Soren held up a first aid kit. "I've got plenty of Band-Aids for any boo-boos they might get. Also, I give the BEST mommy-kisses."
"Listen to me! Out there in the wild, accidents happen every day-"
"Not with me around! Safety first!"
"Like they trip and accidentally fall on your sword-"
"Pfft, that would never happen, I keep the pointy end down and have safety clips on my hilt and scabbard, see?"
"DAMMIT SOREN I WANT YOU TO KILL THEM OKAY?"
"HOLY SHIT DAD WHAT THE FUCK."
"It's for the good of the Kingdom, Soren."
"Dad…" Soren's shoulders slumped. "I…I don't know…if I can-"
"Having trouble coming up with ideas? Here, I've got plenty!" Viren pulled out a thick binder and started flipping through it. "It's alphabetized. Let's see, we've got decapitation, disemboweling, dismemberment, drowning-"
"DAD SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK-"
"My son…" Viren cut him off. "I know this won't be easy, but you're strong. Don't tell anyone about this, not even Claudia. You must bear this weight…alone."
Soren was lying backwards, bench-pressing some weights.
"…So you can't spot me?" His arms started to shake.
"I'm not getting all sweaty," Viren sniffed, walking away. "Just think, after I take the throne, one day…it will belong to you."
"But…but if I'm sitting all the time, how will I work out my legs?" One end of the bar slipped off the rack and Soren was dragged off by the weight. "Fuck!"
-Back With the Kids-
Meanwhile, Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had climbed even higher into the mountains, reaching a snowy plateau with evergreens.
"Alright, lunchtime!" Rayla declared happily. "Let's stop and eat. I'm starving!" She sat down on a rock, the boys collapsing nearby, exhausted.
"Ugggh, I'm too tired even to chew!" Ezran groaned. "Callum, I'm going to need you to chew for me and spit in my mouth like a mama bird-"
"Well, I'm not hungry anymore," Callum muttered himself, checking his pack. He froze when he found it empty. "…I knew I forgot to pack something else."
"You forgot the food?!" Rayla cried, aghast. "How could you leave it?"
"…In my defense it was impossible to tell the difference between the bread and actual rocks."
"…That's surprisingly understandable."
"What are we going to do?! We're out of food!" Ezran wailed in despair. "I'll have to resort to cannibalism!" He chomped on Callum's arm.
"OW! Ezran, get off of me! You already know I taste horrible, I have the bite marks to prove it-"
"Calm down," Rayla told them. "Here, I'll share my moon-berry juice with you. It's packed with nutrients and fortified with all the vitamins and minerals you need!"
"Bitch are you doing an infomercial or something? Because I would like TEN." Callum reached forward, then paused. "Wait isn't it alcoholic-"
"HEY!" Rayla held up her jar, which was conspicuously empty. She scowled at the others. "Alright, who the hell drank my moon-berry juice?!"
"Don't look at me!" Ezran held up his hands. "It was just the one time, I'm totally clean and sober-"
Bait belched.
"You motherfrogger-"
"That doesn't prove anything!" Ezran was quick to leap to his defense. "He has a very sensitive digestive system-" Bait puked up the stopper. "…Okay yeah he drank it."
"…Imma punt this bitch down the mountain," Rayla said with frightening calm, standing up. Ezran jumped in her way.
"He's not answering any questions without his lawyer present! Let's see a warrant!" Rayla glared down at him, then stormed off in a huff. She quickly fell face-first in a snowdrift.
"Somebody needs a Snickers," Callum said.
-Back at the Castle Again-
In her father's chambers, Claudia pulled the cloth off of the mysterious mirror, then walked around the chamber, carefully gathering different magical ingredients from jars and grinding them together in a bowl. Holding it in hand, she approached the mirror again and leaned in close to…
"Seriously? You're using my magic mirror to adjust your eye-shadow?" Viren asked, standing at the door behind her.
"Uh, you use it to check out your ass, like, ten times a day, Dad." Claudia rolled her eyes at him and went back to applying her makeup.
"…Touche." Viren joined her at the mirror, giving it a forlorn look. "I've cast eight different reveal spells on this cursed thing. They all failed."
"…Have you tried Windex?"
"How stupid do you think I am?" Viren snapped at her. "That was like, the third thing I tried. In the end…all I see is my own frustrated face staring back at me." He scowled unhappily at his reflection. A hand slowly rose into view and started applying makeup with a brush. "CLAUDIA."
"I'm just putting some concealer! It'll hide your frown-lines- you're making them worse!"
"I just wanna KNOOOOWWW-"
"Dad, stop having a tantrum. Maybe you should say, 'mirror, mirror, on the wall'-"
"Bitch, I don't need to ask it to know that I'm already the fairest of them all."
"Well, then, maybe it's just a mirror," Claudia said with a shrug.
"It was found in the lair of the Dragon King and Queen, it must be important!" Viren argued.
"Maybe the Dragon King just wanted to check out his ass too!" Claudia shot back. "Stop worrying about it! I'm sure we'll eventually figure out this stupid mirror with that dumb girl just staring at us with her stupid watery eyes and crow's feet and big nose and gross hairy chin- oh no wait that's you." Viren pulled the cloth back over the mirror.
"We have something important to discuss, Claudia."
"Ohmigosh you're finally going to let me pluck your nasty caterpillar eyebrows-"
"Your mission to rescue the- what's wrong with my eyebrows?" Viren stared at her. She stared back.
"…Nothing. They're…perfectly fine, don't look like caterpillars at all- OH GOD THAT ONE MOVED."
"Claudia, listen to me. Aside from finding the Princes, you will also have a secret mission that is far more important-"
"I'm not picking up any nudie magazines for you, Dad. There is a LINE."
"That's…that's not what I-"
"Oh." Claudia paused. "…Am I getting hemorrhoid cream again-"
"You must recover the egg of the Dragon Brat," Viren interrupted her. "It cannot fall into the wrong hands. It's too powerful…too delicious- I mean…dangerous. Whatever happens, whatever accidents or horrible tragedies may occur, above all else, you must return with the egg."
"I understand," Claudia said, nodding solemnly. "One question, though. What if we're, like, super hungry and have nothing to eat, what should we-"
"Eat Soren."
She stared at him.
"…What."
"You heard me, Claudia. Eat your brother."
"Dad, are you crazy? I can't eat Soren!" Claudia gaped at him in disbelief. "…He's like two percent body fat! I'll have to gnaw through muscle for days! I'll starve!"
"Young lady you will listen to me and you will eat your brother!"
-Meanwhile-
Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had finally reached the snowy mountain peaks. They struggled through knee-high snow, their breath coming in white puffs. Callum paused for a moment, panting, and glanced back to check on his brother.
"Aw, come on, Ez! Now is not the time for snow angels." There was no answer. "Ezran? Ez- oh my God." He ran over and yanked him up out of the powder. Ezran spat out a mouthful of snow and gasped for breath.
"Blech I think I swallowed some yellow snow-"
"Rayla, come on! This pace is ridiculous!" Callum shouted after her. "You need to slow down!"
"Maybe you should have packed snowshoes like I did!" She called back, walking easily on the snow ahead.
"I KNOW, I FORGOT!" Callum shouted after her.
"I just need to…put this down…and catch my breath," Ezran panted, dropping his pack and sitting down in the snow. "Also my ankles are swelling and I'm getting the weirdest craving for a snow cone. Can't imagine why."
"Just let me carry the stupid egg!" Rayla snapped impatiently. "Don't you realize that I could just take it from you if I wanted?"
"Oh, so this is going to be a custody battle, is it?" Ezran clutched the pack to his chest and glared at her. "I will fight you in court."
"Don't worry, Ez," Callum said, moving to stand in front of him. "I won't let her take the-" Rayla easily shoved him out of the way. "…Okay I feel like that was way easier than it should've been-"
"Not really, you're just a wimp," she said bluntly. He threw a snowball at her and she retaliated by jumping on him and giving him a face wash.
"You guys, stop fighting!" Ezran hissed at them as they tussled. "It's not good for the baby!"
"What's stopping you from just taking the egg, huh?!" Callum demanded heatedly.
"Because, it HAS to be you two! If Human Princes return the egg to the Dragon Queen, it could end the war, even change the world! So I HAVE to put up with you! I'm being the bigger person!" She stuffed a handful of snow down Callum's pants while he shrieked.
"Seriously, stop fighting! You're destroying more than this family!"
"Ez, this is a grown-up discussion- OW stop pulling my hair Rayla- wait, what?" Callum and Rayla both turned to look at him in confusion. Ezran wordlessly pointed up to where cracks were appearing on the ice wall above them.
"You guys need to be quiet," he whispered. "All your yelling is cracking the ice. If we're not careful, we could start an avalanche." Callum and Rayla blinked.
"Ohhhh okay sorry we'll keep it down."
And so began the quietest fight in history, complete with whispered insults and slow-motion rolling around in the soft, sound-muffling snow.
"Oh my God." Ezran rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned to Bait. "Looks like you're the only one I can count on-"
Bait ripped a huge fart, the sound reverberating off the mountaintops. All three of them stared at him in horrified silence after the echoes died down.
"…I forgive you, buddy. That was beautiful."
*Crack!*
A huge chunk of snow broke free, quickly becoming a full-fledged avalanche as it rushed down the mountain towards them. Callum turned to run as Ezran grabbed Rayla by her bad hand.
"AUUUGH!" She cried out and pulled away.
"Sorry, I know my hands are cold-"
"Just RUN!"
"We're not gonna make it," Callum said with resignation, watching the wave of snow barrel down towards them. "Quick, get behind me!"
"Oh, like your little ninety-pound body's gonna make any difference-"
"Hey, I'm pushing like one-ten, one-fifteen if I had a big lunch- NOW, Rayla!" Callum pulled out the Primal Stone and quickly drew a rune in the air. "Aspiro!" The resulting belch-blast created a tunnel of wind, the avalanche splitting and traveling safely around them.
"…Are you burping away an avalanche?" Ezran whispered in awe. "You're my hero, Callum. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen, or ever will see. I know I'm only ten but I can just feel it. I can die now with no regrets."
"Ezran, you are NOT going to- oh shit!" The tunnel collapsed and a wave of snow overwhelmed them. Moments later, the avalanche abated, and Callum sat up dizzily, shaking snow off of himself.
"Oh my God you guys, I can't feel my dick, I think it froze off." Rayla's butt was sticking out of the snow a few feet away. "Okay never mind there it is. You alright?" She kicked her legs, angry screams muffled from under the snow. "Yeah she's fine. Ez?"
"Present!" Ezran piped up, sitting out on the ice of a frozen lake. "You didn't happen to pack my skates by any chance, did you?"
"GODAMMIT!"
"Hey, wait! Where's the egg?" Ezran dropped his empty bag and looked around in a sudden panic, then spotted the egg further out on the ice. He pointed at it and glared. "You see what you did? He ran away because you two were fighting! You're tearing this family apart!" He cautiously got to his feet and began slowly inching towards the egg. Hairline cracks started appearing in the ice beneath his feet and he hesitated. "…I'm beginning to think eating all of those tarts may have been a mistake."
-Back in Town-
Back in the kingdom of Katolis, Soren sat on a bench near a busy street, morosely eating a pile of protein bars. Claudia walked up to him and smiled.
"Hey, bro! What's wrong? You look kind of down." He looked up at her, his face smeared with protein paste.
"…What makes you think that?" he asked, then crammed another bar in his mouth and burst into tears.
"…Sister's intuition?" she said after a moment.
"Hey, did Dad say anything…strange to you?" Soren asked cautiously. Claudia gasped.
"Oh NO, he didn't tell you about SEX did he-"
"What? No! Eww!" He sputtered, cutting her off. "…What did he talk to you about?"
"Cannibalism- I mean, uh, adjusting my diet. He wants me to…eat more protein."
"I'm not giving you any of my bars, Clods."
"Not that kind of protein, silly," Claudia teased, pinching his arm. "Christ, that is all muscle, you are gonna be a bitch to chew, I'll have to tenderize you first and then slow roast you for hours-"
"Huh?"
"Nothing!" She hurriedly cleared her throat. "So, anyway, you ready for our mission? I'm all packed." She shouldered her rucksack, visibly bulging with a spice rack and cookbook by Hannibal Lector. "You have your clean underwear and snacks and will written down?" He nodded absently.
"Yeah, yeah, I've got all of those- wait why would I need to write my will-"
"Hey, you never know!" Claudia said quickly. "It's best to be prepared!"
"Hmm. Yeah, you're right." Soren stood up, brushing crumbs off of his armor. "Let's stop in at the courthouse before we go."
"Okay, cool!" Claudia shot finger-guns at him, then paused. "I get all of your shit, right?"
-Back on the Ice-
Cracks continued to spread under Ezran's feet as Callum slowly inched his way out onto the frozen surface of the lake, Rayla following close behind.
"Stay still, Ez!" Callum called out to him. "We're coming to get you!" Ezran nodded, rocking back and forth. "I said stay still!"
"I'm trying to comfort the baby!" Ezran snapped, hugging the Dragon Brat's egg to his chest. "He's scared."
"It's going to be alright," Rayla said encouragingly. "We're almost there!"
"Wow, this is great, you two are working together and everything, I should put my life in danger more often-"
"We are the most dysfunctional fucking family," Callum muttered as he scooted up next to his brother and reached out his arms. "Okay, pass it over. That's it, nice and slow…" Carefully taking the egg from Ezran, Callum turned, holding it out for Rayla. "Alright, your turn. Take it!" She stared at him blankly.
"…What, that's it? You're just giving it to me? After all that fuss about not being able to trust me?"
"Uhh…" Callum blinked. "Yes?"
"Well maybe I don't want to carry it now." Rayla crossed her arms and lifted her chin stubbornly. "Have you thought about that?"
"Rayla, please! Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk to you before. I was wrong not to trust you, we're lucky to have you as a friend and I'm sorry for doubting you-"
"Yeah I lied."
Callum gasped.
"I knew it you're not really a girl-"
"Of course she's a girl, Ez!" Callum snapped at him. "…Otherwise I'm gay. So, so gay."
"This morning," Rayla began, "the big rush wasn't because I shit my pants or killed someone or started my period. I was attacked by a Human." Callum gasped again. "And there's also this." She held up her wrist with the white string. "This is an Assassin's Binding, a Moonshadow Elf ritual."
"*Gasp*!"
"Stop gasping! I haven't even gotten to the important part yet!"
"*Gaaasp!*- Oh, sorry." Callum blinked. "Just, like, tell me when."
"During the pre-game rally, I swore an oath to end Prince Ezran's life," Rayla went on, "and this binding will never come off while he's alive. It'll just get tighter and tighter until my hand falls off."
The boys stared at her.
"…That…that was it. You can gasp now."
"Oh, okay. *Gasp*!" Callum took a hit from an asthma inhaler and then looked at Rayla, his expression solemn. "Rayla, thank you for being honest with us. I know it must have been hard. I can't imagine the kind of pain you're going through, and I have nothing but respect-"
"How will you wipe your butt?" Ezran asked.
"Oh my God ignore him."
"Y'know, when you shit yourself after having too many berries. Because we all know it's gonna happen again."
"EZRAN. STOP." Callum took a deep breath and looked at Rayla with pleading eyes. "Just…please take the egg. It's, like, way heavier than it looks. Twenty pounds at least."
"One more thing."
"*GASP*- GAK!" Callum tried to gasp again but choked on his spit.
"The night I met you guys…" Rayla steeled herself before continuing. "Your father, the King, was-"
"Think fast!" Callum suddenly threw the egg straight at her. It hit her bad hand and immediately dropped, smashed through the ice, and disappeared into the dark, cold waters below. Callum stared at her. "…I can't believe you just dropped that. You were wide open. Now we're gonna lose the big game and I'll never date the hot cheerleader."
"I JUST told you my hand was fucked up! Why would you THROW it to me?!" Rayla shouted back, clutching her arm.
"You're right, my bad. Apologetic high-five?" He tentatively held up a hand. She just glared at him. "No? Pattycake? How about a handshake-"
"You're about to get a punch in the dick-"
"I am the only one trying to save this family!" Ezran cried. "I have to do everything myself!" He quickly slapped on a snorkel, mask, and flippers ("Oh, so HE packed the right shit?") and dove straight into the water after the egg, disappearing from sight.
"Ez, NO!" Callum lunged after him, flinging his arm forward to-
Cast the line of his fishing pole.
"And now…we wait."
"…Are you fucking kidding me-"
"You're right, I don't have any tarts to use as bait. Unless I use actual Bait." He glanced at the toad, which immediately turned white to camouflage itself and disappeared. "Dammit, this isn't going to work! I'm going in after him!" Callum moved to dive in after Ezran, but Rayla grabbed him by the scarf and yanked him back.
"No, wait!"
"Okay, you need to stop doing that, this scarf is really important to me and you keep stretching it out-"
"Don't go in there, Callum! Ezran is brave and strong, he can do this! You just need to believe in him!"
"This isn't fucking Finding Nemo bitch-"
"Also we need to be here to pull him out."
"…Oh. Yeah. Right. Good point." Callum blinked and settled back. "I forgot about that."
The two of them huddled around the hole in the ice, waiting anxiously at the edge for Ezran to reappear. Long minutes passed with no sign of his return.
"He's…he's gone…" Callum finally said, slumping in shock. "Great, now I'm gonna need that book on grief!" He pulled it out of his bag and opened it. "Let's see, maybe it has advice on how to break the bad news to your father who's definitely not dead or anything."
"Uh, yeah, about that-" Rayla coughed, tugging nervously at the string around her wrist. She frowned in confusion, then gasped. "Hey, wait a second! It's still tight! Ezran's still alive!" She grabbed Callum and started to pull him across the ice. "He's here somewhere, let's look for him, quick!"
"Okay, Rayla, I think you're still in the denial phase," Callum said, flipping through the book. "You need to face the facts and come to terms with the reality that we've lost a loved one-"
*Knock, knock.*
They both looked down to see Ezran looking up at them from under the ice, the Dragon Brat's egg in his arms.
"Well, now we're both having hallucinations. This happens too, lemme skip forwards to the chapter on that-" Rayla smacked the book out of his hands. "…Anger is a perfectly normal reaction to dealing with loss, but lashing out won't solve-" She punched him in the gut.
Ezran knocked again.
"OHMIGOD HE'S TRYING TO TELL A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE HE'S REAL RAYLA HE'S REAL-"
"I fucking KNOW, Callum!" Rayla shoved him away and knelt on the ice. "Hey, Ezran! Knock, knock! Who's there? ME, bitch!" She tried to smash through the ice with her knives, but they barely scratched the surface. "…I missed the punch-line. Elf humor is like, way more sophisticated."
"Dammit, the ice is too thick! Where will we ever find something hard and thick enough to break-" Callum cut off mid-sentence as Rayla grabbed him by the hair and slammed his forehead down onto the ice, shattering it to pieces. "…I should have seen that coming." Together they hauled Ezran and the egg out of the water. Callum gently picked his brother up, close to tears.
"You did it, Ez! You saved the egg! You got it back! Frozen to a solid chunk probably and completely dead inside now, but you still got it!" Ezran didn't respond, lying limply in his arms. "…Ez, I am not falling for that again. The last time you pretended to be dead I leaned in real close and you burped right in my face. It was disgusting. My mouth was open and everything. I could taste your last meal. I'm NOT falling for it again. I'm NOT." Still nothing. "…Ezran?" He slowly leaned in closer.
Ezran burped in his face.
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Rayla burst out laughing as Callum gagged, shoving Ezran away from him. The little Prince chuckled weakly.
"Got…you…" Ezran lifted his head and squinted, looking around. "Where…where is he? Where's my baby?" They all turned to see the Dragon Brat's egg sitting on the ice nearby. Its usual brilliant glow was muted, its inner light flickering and faint. "…Quick, someone sit on him. I nominate Callum. Make sure you stick him waaaay up there so he warms up."
Callum groaned and began undoing his belt. "The things I do for world peace…"
-Episode 6 End-