The Dragon Brat
Episode 7
The Dumbass and the Woof
Snow fell sleepily on the mountaintops, scattering on the surface of a frozen lake that gleamed in the moonlight. A soft, warm glow came from a nearby cave, where inside, the two Princes were gathered around a small fire, Callum busily fussing over Ezran.
"I don't get it, why aren't you warming up?" Callum asked aloud, adjusting the blankets in frustration.
"Probably because I stuffed the ice-cold egg down my shirt again," Ezran answered, pulling the blanket down to reveal his bulging stomach. "Ah-CHOO! Brrrr!"
"Dammit, Ez!"
"I'm just trying to warm the Dragon Brat up like any good mother would!"
"Then put him in the fire!"
"And make him into scrambled eggs?! I don't think so!" Ezran crossed his arms protectively over his protruding stomach. Callum sighed in defeat and sat back down, pulling out his sketchbook. After a moment, Ezran scooted closer for a peek. "What are you drawing? Do you take requests? I'm totally not gonna pay you for it tho. I have an OC that-" He blinked when he saw the sketch was a portrait of their late mother.
"I was…really scared when you were trapped under the ice," Callum said quietly as he sketched. "I thought I was gonna lose you, too. But you made it…and now I can't stop thinking…maybe she was watching over-"
"Why is she wearing a bikini?"
"That's the only clothing I know how to draw I'm working on it shut up." Callum took a breath and went on. "I think…if she knew what we were trying to do…she would be proud of us." He turned to smile warmly at his brother and Ezran sneezed right in his face. "Okay that's it. I'm making a brother burrito. Come here!" Ezran shrieked as Callum swept him up and started wrapping him tightly in the blanket. "Gotta make sure all the stuffing's tucked in gooood…and now I'm putting you over the fire to cook-"
"Why are you cooking your brother?" Rayla asked, suddenly standing at the cave entrance. "Is this a Human thing? I don't judge."
"…It's a long story-" Callum began.
"I'm an egg burrito!" Ezran said proudly. Rayla blinked.
"…That makes perfect sense." She walked closer to the pair and sat with them. "Here, I found some Moonberries for us to eat." She held out a handful. Ezran wriggled an arm free and reached over but was stopped by Callum.
"Aren't they alcoholic?"
"I can stop anytime I want-"
"Ez, shh!"
"Only in liquid form, silly," Rayla said, rolling her eyes. Callum shrugged and took a few, Ezran shoving the rest in his mouth. "Hold on wait I just remembered as solid berries they're poisonous to Humans spit them out spit them out." Callum gagged and spat his out, then turned and gave Ezran the Heimlich.
"My face is all tingly!" Ezran giggled.
"Can you please stop trying to kill us?!" Callum said, glaring at Rayla.
"I'm not actually trying, I swear! It was an accident!" Rayla shrugged helplessly. "Anyway, I found these for you, Ezran." She held out two green berries. "They're a cure for your sniffles."
"Hey, thanks!" Ezran smiled and took them.
"Now, this is going to sound kinda weird, but you need to- oh okay nevermind you already knew how to use them." Ezran had already shoved the berries right up his nostrils. He blinked at her.
"What? Oh. I mean…yeah of course I knew."
"Here, Callum," Rayla pulled out several brown berries. "These should help with your constipation. You have to shove them-"
"THAT IS NOT HAPPENING."
"Tch, fine. Ungrateful. How's the Dragon Brat doing?" Rayla asked, changing the subject.
"I don't think he's getting better," Callum admitted, his voice dropping in a hush. "The egg was glowing so brightly before, but now the light is really dim and weak-"
"Maybe he's just running out of batteries," Ezran suggested. "Y'know, like a flashlight. We just need to shake him a few times, give him a couple good whacks."
"Or, you know, he's fucking DYING." Rayla gave him a look, then turned it on Callum. "Because somebody had to chuck him like a damn basketball."
"Hey, it's not my fault you can't catch!" Callum bristled. "You're the one who dropped him in the ice-cold lake and lost us the big game! Maybe it's your fault he's still freezing."
"Or, maybe," Ezran cut in, "it's because somebody refuses to sit on him again!"
"…I felt it wiggle." Callum glared at him. "I am NOT doing it again."
"…Wait is that how you got constipated in the first place-"
"RAYLA. ENOUGH."
"We don't have a choice," Ezran said, sighing heavily. "We have to find help." His head drooped and he sniffled.
"Hey, don't worry," Rayla patted his back, her voice gentle. "I'm sure everything will-" Ezran sneezed in her face. "…Okay that's it. We're spit-roasting this bitch like a rotisserie chicken." She nodded at Callum. "You get one end, I'll get the other."
"Roger." Callum grabbed Ezran's feet and hauled him up as he screeched piercingly.
-Meanwhile-
Elsewhere, Claudia and Soren rode on horseback through the woods, a pack of dogs close at their heels. They broke from the tree line and arrived at the Banther Lodge, where they dismounted and glanced around.
"Welp, they're not here," Soren said. "Time to give up."
"We've been here, like, five seconds," Claudia stated.
"Yes, and after a very thorough search, we've found absolutely no sign of the Princes."
"I think I see one of Ezran's Legos over there. And a half eaten jelly tart on that rock. And one of Callum's creepy bikini-girl drawings crumpled up over th-"
"LOOK, we're never going to find them, okay?" Soren insisted, crossing his arms. "So we should just give up and go home!"
"Soren, do you want to find the boys?" Claudia asked him seriously.
"Of course I do!" Soren threw up his hands. The alphabetized murder manual given by their father fell out with a loud thump and he quickly snatched it up. "I can't wait to find them and smother them with love." He glanced down. "…And a pillow- OH GOD." He put the book away and covered his face with his hands.
"Oh, Soren, I know you miss them as much as I do," Claudia said gently. "But we need to focus! Work through the pain! We can find them, I know we can! And then this will all be over. The end. Forever." Soren choked. "So let's do our best, alright?"
"Okay, FINE." He whistled to the dogs, and they all rushed to him, tails wagging. He knelt down to dispense pets. "These are the finest tracking hounds in all of Katolis- no Fluffy stop eating the horse poop- one sniff and they'll be able to- okay now Pumpkin is rolling in it he's going to need a bath when we get home- track down the Princes- BUDDY STOP LICKING YOUR BALLS!"
"…Did you get these from the pound?" Claudia asked, lifting a brow. Soren looked up at her with big eyes.
"But…they were gonna be put to sleep if no one adopted them!"
"Those monsters!" Claudia gasped in horror. "I can't believe they'd just throw away animals like that!" She paused. "They would be the perfect ingredients for some of my spells!"
"Okay you're not allowed near my puppies any more," Soren said sternly. "Anyway, we can use them to track the Princes. And I have just the thing for them to sniff!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out…
A pair of Callum's dirty underwear.
"…Why do you have that-"
"They've found the trail!" Soren cried, ignoring her. "Hurry, after them!" The dogs took off, barking excitedly. Soren and Claudia jumped back onto their horses to follow.
"Wait you still haven't answered my question-"
"Quiet, Claudia! There's no time! We don't want to lose them!"
They followed the dogs through the woods, careful to stay close. The dogs swung around, back towards the lodge, then headed to the small wharf, where they all piled onto a boat and were immediately swept away by the strong pull of the river, barking and yelping as they disappeared. Claudia and Soren stared after the dwindling craft in silence.
"…Okay now what."
-With the Kids-
Callum, Ezran, and Rayla had been walking through the deep mountain snow for most of the morning when the younger Prince suddenly gasped and pointed off into the distance.
"Hey, look, you guys! A town!" Ezran cried excitedly. They stopped and looked over, spotting a village with stone houses and smoke drifting from chimneys. "Now we can get help! I'm sure they'll have a veterinarian there." He paused. "And a short-order cook." The other two gave him a look. "Hey, I'm only Human. Unless, you know, we were gonna start eating each other. In that case, I call dibs on Callum. He'd be the easiest to subdue."
"Speaking of Humans," Callum cut in, ignoring his brother, "I'm sure this town will also be full of the Elf-hating variety. We should be careful."
"We don't know that," Ezran pointed out. "They might like Elves all the way up-" Callum wordlessly pointed over at a nearby snowman with pointed twig ears and horns that had been run through with several swords and had definitely been peed on, going by the yellow snow on one side. "Okay yeah we should definitely be careful. Here, Rayla, hold my hand. Don't worry, if anyone bothers you I'll ask them very nicely to stop."
"Oh, calm down! I have the perfect solution." Rayla pulled on a cloak and yanked the hood up, hiding her ears and horns as she disguised herself. She grinned at the boys and waved. "S'up, fellow Humans! I am a perfectly normal Human meat sack of filth! Want to have a burping contest or consort in some other equally disgusting Human ritual?"
"…Well I'm convinced!" Ezran said solemnly. Callum just rolled his eyes.
"I sure do you enjoy slaughtering other races and stealing their land," she went on, gathering steam. "I can't wait to live for fifty pitiful years and waste it all on Netflix, crippling depression, and pizza!"
"…Okay that's kinda racist," Ezran stated after a long, awkward pause.
"…Oh my God it is. It's super racist. I'm being super racist." Rayla's face went even paler.
"Yeah you crossed the line. Also, what are you going to do about your hands?" Callum pointed at them, which were obviously lacking a fifth digit.
"Uhh…just a sec." Rayla glanced around, then scuttled over and stole the gloves from the snowelf.
"…Now his hands are going to be cold," Ezran said in a quiet, upset voice.
"Here we go!" Rayla held up her gloved hands triumphantly, the pinky fingers hanging limp. "It's cool you guys, I'll just say I broke both my pinkies in a tragic hunting accident-"
"Yeah I don't think this'll work."
"Oh come on, it's foolproof-"
"Hello, strangers!" A man suddenly emerged. "Welcome to OH MY GOD YOU'RE AN ELF-"
"I BROKE MY PINKIES IN A TRAGIC HUNTING ACCIDENT!" Rayla shrieked as she knocked the approaching Human out and quickly entombed him in the nearby snowman. The boys stared at her, mouths agape. "What? I poked holes in there. He can breathe."
"Okay seriously let's GO."
They entered the town and began wandering about, searching for a veterinarian and, more importantly, a fast-food joint. They halted at an open courtyard with a fountain, where a blonde man with a moustache was talking to a gathered crowd.
"Oh God, a Jehova Witness, avoid eye contact and keep walking-"
"Don't be mean!" Ezran kicked Callum in the shin. "Let's at least listen."
"Everyone gather round, have I got a deal of a lifetime for you!" The blonde man boomed out, waving his arms. "A revolutionary new product that is guaranteed to change your life!"
"Oh God even worse he's selling something-"
"Shh! I wanna hear!" Ezran pulled the other two through the crowd, moving closer to the front. "Maybe it's a new snuggie! Or a fidget spinner!"
"Now, who would like to help me demonstrate? Any volunteers?" the man called, gesturing at the crowd. The townspeople all began to murmur amongst themselves. A hulking, heavily-muscled man stomped up, grunting as he slammed down a huge ten-foot blade in front of the blond man.
"This isn't even my biggest sword," he said tauntingly. The other man stared up at him in silence.
"…Are you…are you talking about your dick? Because honestly? I'm down."
The townspeople immediately went into a frenzy, making bets on who would emerge the victor—of whatever scenario came next. Callum scowled in disapproval.
"Okay, I think it's time to go, this is no longer a family-friendly gathering-"
"I got five on the blonde guy!"
"Ezran!"
The blonde man calmly pulled out a glowing red dagger with strange symbols engraved on the blade and with a flick of the wrist, effortlessly cut the larger man's sword down, piece by piece, leaving only the glowing hilt.
"Want me to do your dick, too?" he teased. The crowd exploded with laughter, and the large man burst into tears and ran away in shame.
"My dick is average-sized! Averaaaaage!"
"And there we have it!" The man turned to the crowd and held the dagger aloft. "It slices! It dices! It emasculates! It's hotter than the sun! And it's yours for just three easy payments of $19.99! Plus shipping and handling. Order now, and you'll get a second one for free!" Everyone immediately started flinging money at him. Coins clattered and bounced off his body. An entire ingot of gold smashed him in the head. "OW FUCK OW OW- DOES NO-ONE USE PAPER CURRENCY ANYMORE?!"
"What the hell was that?" Ezran asked in wonder. "Also, I won the bet. Where's my money?"
"It's a Sunforge blade," Rayla explained. "In Xadia, Sunfire Elves can make magic weapons that stay as hot as the moment they're forged for hundreds of years. It can cut through anything-"
"Even the sizzling sexual tension between us?" Callum asked, sliding an arm around her shoulder. She punched him in the throat, then noticed her still-purple arm.
"Hey, wait! It can cut through my wrist binding! Yes!" She gave Callum a hug and kiss on the cheek.
"My penis is so confused," he whimpered.
"How are you going to get the dagger?" Ezran asked.
"I'm going to ask nicely," Rayla told him.
"…Are you really, though?"
"Alright you got me. I'm going to punch him in the dick and steal it."
"Can you at least say you're sorry when you do it?"
"Deal." Rayla shook on it, then paused. "Wait, what about the egg?"
"Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of it." Callum waved her away. "Just meet us back here at the statue when you're done hiding the bod- I mean…borrowing the knife, okay?" Rayla gave them a parting wave and skipped merrily off. Callum and Ezran watched her disappear into the crowd. "That dude is so fucking dead."
"…She's gonna kill him with kindness?"
"Sure, Ez. Sure."
-Back at the Lodge-
Soren and Claudia stood on the small bridge overlooking the stream, at a loss.
"What are we going to do?" Soren asked, pacing around. "Every minute we sit here, the Princes are getting farther and farther away and are getting less and less deader oh my GOD I can't deal with the pressure I gotta work out some of this stress-" He dropped down and started doing push-ups. "Come on, Clods, can't you at least DO something to help, like sit on my back?"
"I know a tracking spell…" Claudia said, thinking hard, "but first I need something from the Princes." Soren held up the underwear, which had attracted several loudly buzzing flies. "Why do you still have that- anyway. Something more personal than that." Soren stared at her for a long moment.
"…Are…are we talking poop?"
Claudia snapped on a pair of rubber gloves and put a paper mask over her mouth. "Look, just get a shovel and I'll meet you back by the outhouse- wait what's that on the tree?" Claudia had caught sight of something moving on a nearby tree and went to investigate. Rayla's severed braid was pinned to the bark by an arrow, waving in the wind. "Hey, this would work!"
"Oh thank God." Soren threw his shovel into the bushes and pulled the wadded-up Kleenex out of his nostrils.
"Let's see…" Claudia pulled the braid free and inspected it closely. "Yes…this is perfect! We'll be able to find the Princes wherever we find that vile, barbaric, bloodthirsty Elf assassin- oh what a cute braid and it's so soft I wonder what conditioner she uses and oh my God it smells so good Soren come here and smell this-"
-Back in the Town-
Meanwhile, Callum and Ezran had searched the town and finally located the veterinarian clinic, a large barn with a sign out front. They wandered inside to find a man deep in conversation with a horse in a stall.
"And when do you think this fear of carriages started? Could it be connected to some traumatic incident from your childhood?"
"…Uh, are we interrupting anything?" Callum asked awkwardly. The vet, an older man with glasses and an apron, looked up, scowling.
"We'll pick this up again in our next session," he said to the horse, then turned to the boys. "Haven't you kids ever heard of patient confidentiality? Sheesh. Did you two check in at the reception desk?"
"…There was a cat there," Ezran said.
"Yes, she's my secretary."
"…It scratched me," Callum stated.
"Yes, that's how she signs you in."
"No, it scratched me a LOT." He held up his bleeding arm.
"Oh. Well then she just doesn't like you." The vet adjusted his glasses and glanced down at Bait, who was peeking out from behind Ezran's leg. "You'll be wanting to put this one to sleep, right? Put the poor ugly thing out of its misery?" He pulled out a needle and started to fill it with clear liquid. "All right, hand him over. Let's give him the mercy that only death will bring him."
"What? No!" Ezran wailed in horror.
"Oh, right. How insensitive of me." The vet paused, then pointed at Callum. "You there, cover the boy's eyes so he doesn't have to watch."
"That's NOT why we're here!" Callum snatched up Bait and stuffed him into a backpack.
"Aww, what happened?" Ezran cooed, going over and rubbing the shivering horse's nose. It snorted mucus on him affectionately. "You saw something scary, didn't you? I know how you feel. One time I walked in on Callum taking a poop-"
"You kicked the door open!" Callum shouted. "And then you just stood there and laughed!"
"That's how I hide my pain. My trauma."
"She ran away up the mountain, the Cursed Caldera," the vet explained. "Whatever she saw, it spooked her real good. It's gonna take a least a dozen sessions of therapy before she starts getting over it." He gave the horse a pat before turning his attention back to the boys. "So! What can I do for you?" They looked at each other, hesitating with the weight of their world-changing secret. "I charge by the minute, mind you." Callum swore and scrambled for the backpack.
-Elsewhere in Town-
Meanwhile, the blonde man with the Sunforge dagger skipped merrily down the street, his pockets jingling along. Rayla slunk behind him, keeping to the shadows as she followed him closely. Now if she could just-
"Hewwo, pwetty ewf wady!"
"Oh my God shut the fuck up!" Rayla hissed, shoving the little girl back inside the house and slamming the door. The man wheeled about at the sound, saw her, and took off. "Shit!" Rayla shot after him, chasing the man through several back alleys. He gasped and stopped short as he ran into a dead end.
"Alright, you've cornered me!" The man turned around, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Just tell me what you want!"
"I think you know what I want," Rayla growled. "Now give it to me." The man slowly reached for his belt…and dropped his pants with a clang of heavy coins. "Oh my God what the fuck?! What are you doing?!"
"What? B…but you said…you asked me to…!" the man sputtered in confusion.
"I meant your dagger!" The man stared, eyebrows raised. "YOUR SUNFORGE DAGGER, NOT YOUR DICK!" Rayla rolled her eyes. "Why does this shit keep happening to me?" She glared at him. "You're lucky you have boxers on, otherwise I'd be cutting your dick off."
The man stood there in his heart-print boxers and raised an eyebrow. "…Are you SURE-"
"YES I'M FUCKING SURE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
-With the Princes-
The Princes stood with the veterinarian, the Dragon Brat's egg sitting on a table, its stained-glass shell glowing weakly. The man gaped at it in awe, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in resplendent awe.
"…It's a chicken egg," Callum said after a moment.
-Back With Rayla-
"Look, you idiot, I just want your help!" Rayla snapped out. The man snorted at her.
"Why should I help you?" he argued, hands on his hips. "You just tried to have your way with me."
"Because I promise I'm not going to- can you pull up your pants? I can't talk to you like this. I'm feel like I'm on that dateline show, To Catch a Predator."
"You're right, my sexiness is too distracting." The man nodded knowingly. "I will show mercy on you this one time." He pulled his pants back up and adjusted his belt. "Now, you were saying?"
"I want to use your dagger to cut this thing off of me," Rayla begged, holding out her purple arm and pointing at the white bracelet.
"Alright then," he said, shrugging. "Like I said, just three easy payments of-"
"I don't have any money."
"Then no."
Rayla cracked her knuckles. "How about three easy payments of ass-kicking?"
"Oop just so happens you're my hundredth customer today! You get it for free! How lucky!" The man pulled out his Sunforge dagger and quickly held it out to her. Rayla sighed with relief and reached to take it. "Wait let's at least shake on it-" He grabbed her hand and accidentally yanked off her glove, revealing her fingers. He gasped.
"…I lost my pinky finger in a horrible hunting accident," Rayla began. A sudden breeze blew the hood off her head, revealing her pointed ears and horns. He gasped again, louder. "…I was born with my ears disfigured and these things on my head are just strange growths-" The breeze increased, blowing off her cloak entirely, revealing her green Elf garb. He gasped a third time, then erupted into violent hacking. "…Okay you know what fuck it." She immediately punched him in the dick. He doubled over, gurgling. "Wow, I really need to thank Callum, I am getting SO much better at that no matter how small the target is, what with all the practice on him," Rayla said to herself, taking the Sunforge dagger. Steeling herself, she slowly brought the red-hot blade close to her bracelet, carefully trying to sever the strands.
"Hurry it up, I'm hungry and I think I smell a barbeque," the blonde man choked out impatiently.
"Shut up, I'm going as fast as OH MY GOD IT'S ME I'M THE BARBEQUE!" Rayla shrieked and pulled the dagger away from her burning flesh, only to see it had no effect whatsoever on her bracelet. "Dammit, it didn't fucking work!" She glared at the man. "I want a refund." He stared back with wide eyes and gulped.
"…Results may vary."
"I thought satisfaction was guaranteed!"
"You didn't read the fine-print-"
"God! Forget it! I'm done with you." Rayla hurled the knife at the man's feet. He snatched it up, screamed, and quickly dropped it again while he thrust his hands into snow, steam squealing and billowing upwards. "I'm outta here." She turned and stormed off, leaving the man alone.
"…I can't believe this! She just…used me and left!" he muttered to himself in outrage, then paused thoughtfully. "…Does this count as a one-night stand? I'm counting it."
-With Claudia and Soren-
Claudia and Soren had ventured deep into the woods, Soren standing watch while his sister had her head in a bush.
"So…what are we doing here?" Soren asked.
"I just need one more thing for the tracking spell," Claudia said, straightening. She held out a handful of berries.
"Okay great we're done!" Soren clapped his hands together. "Now let's go and-" She tossed the berries into her mouth and started to chew. "Okay nevermind you're fucking eating them WHY are you eating them don't we NEED them for the spell?"
"What? Oh, no, I was just hungry, silly. Now we can go get the last thing-" Claudia cut off as her stomach gurgled loudly. "…Oh no." She scurried away to find a place to relieve herself, slipping into a crack in the cliff wall. After several moments, she popped her head back out. "Good news is, I found where I can get the last ingredient! Bad news is…I made a mess in here."
"Alright!" Soren began to inch inside the crack after Claudia. "Let's just hurry and get that last- aw SICK I think I stepped in it!"
-With the Princes-
"That's a Dragon Egg," the vet stated matter-of-factly.
"Whaaaat?" Callum cried, very fakely. "No, of course not, it's a perfectly normal chicken egg, just like we said." He paused. "…You shoulda see the chicken that laid it."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's a Dragon Egg," the vet repeated.
"Okay, you got me. It's actually an art project of my little brother's, it's just covered in glitter and glow-in-the-dark stickers and shit-"
"He likes to feel pretty, and unrestricted by gender norms," Ezran said solemnly. Callum elbowed him. "I mean…the baby chicken. Inside this chicken egg. That was definitely laid by a chicken."
"I've never seen one before…only from pictures in books," the vet went on, still in awe. "I'll do what I can…" He gently reached out and touched the egg…and tucked it into his shirt just like Ezran.
"Ha!" Ezran wheeled around and glared at Callum triumphantly. He just rolled his eyes.
"I can feel a heartbeat, but it's faint and slow," the vet said, eyes closed as he concentrated, palms rubbing back and forth across the egg like an expectant mother. "I'm afraid…it's dying." The boys gasped. "I don't know what I can do to save it…not even the warmest butt could help it now. I'm sorry." He pulled the egg back out and sadly handed it back to them. "That'll be five hundred dollars. Cash or check?"
"Noooo!" Ezran burst into tears and clutched the egg to his chest. "I was gonna be the best mom ever! This isn't fair!" Callum gave him a hug and started herding him towards the door.
"Come on, Ez," he said gently. "Don't give up. We'll find another way. Let's go…stick it in an oven or something-"
"Wait!" The boys stopped and looked back at the vet, who frowned in consternation. "I don't really want to tell you about this, because it's incredibly dangerous and stupid-"
"Sounds right up our alley," Callum said. "Please, continue."
"There was a miracle that happened a few years ago," the vet explained. "Up on the Cursed Caldera. There's someone you should go see." He paused, then held up a huge surgical knife. "But first I need to castrate this bull, and I could really use another hand. Hold its head for me."
"What? No! I'm not doing that."
"I'll give you a discount."
"Look away, Ez."
-Later-
After thoroughly washing the bull's blood and…other bits off, the Princes followed the vet's instructions, traveling to a certain house in the little village where they met a young girl with black hair and fur-lined clothing. She smiled warmly at them and invited them inside.
"Hello, I'm Ellis," she greeted them, "and this is my sweet baby wolf, Ava!"
"RAFF RAFF RAFF!" A huge wolf with matted fur and wild eyes was chained to the wall, a muzzle strapped over its snout, snarling and thrashing violently. It lunged forward, snapping its jaws and spraying foamed spittle everywhere.
"Awww, I love you too, sweetie!" Ellis blew the crazed wolf a kiss. "She's so friendly!"
Callum and Ezran were pressed up against the opposite wall, too frozen in terror to move.
"F…friendly, right," Callum choked out, "and totally not about to eat our faces off."
"Listen, girl, I'm an animal lover too," Ez said sternly, "but there is a LINE. And that line is RABIES."
"The vet is right, there was a miracle," Ellis went on, sitting down by the crackling fireplace as the wolf went nuts the whole time, straining against its chains, "and without it, Ava would be dead! Two years ago, I found her in the woods when she was just a little pup. She was caught in a hunter's trap, and her front paw was crushed." The boys aww'd in sympathy. "So I chopped it off with a rusty hacksaw, rubbed some dirt on it, and dragged her back to the village!" The boys choked. "But for some reason she just got worse, acting up and biting things! My stupid dad refused to let me keep her, saying she was going to maul my face off the first chance she got!"
"I still stand by that statement," Ellis' father said, poking his head in. "Here's Ava's supper." He pushed a live goat into the room towards the wolf, which immediately broke its muzzle, seized the goat's leg in its jaws, and shook it viciously, splattering the walls with blood. Callum and Ezran gaped in horror as the goat's piteous bleats cut off. "…I rest my case."
"Shut up! I hate you daddy, you don't understand!" Ellis shrieked at him, then continued with her story while Ava noisily crunched and ate the bones before swallowing the rest of the goat whole. "Anyway, I got mad at my stupid daddy and took her someplace no one would find us…up the mountain, the Cursed Caldera. I saw lots of weird, creepy things…but it was nothing compared to some of the scary movies I've been watching!"
"That reminds me, we really need to put some parental controls on our internet."
"LEAVE, daddy!" Ellis screamed. He ducked out of the room, and she went on. "I took shelter in a cave and was contemplating eating Ava for sustenance, and that's when it happened: a weird lady appeared! She touched Ava, and there was a bright light and when it was gone, she and my wallet had disappeared and Ava was all better! She was my perfectly behaved puppy! I mean, just look at her!"
They all looked over at Ava, who was angrily chewing on her chain with cracked, bloody teeth, snarling and glaring murderously at them.
"Alright, that settles it. We have to find this miracle healer!" Callum said, clapping his hands and standing. "C'mon Ez, let's go-"
"RAFF RAFF RAFF!"
"Oh my fucking God okay no loud sounds or sudden movements." He and Ezran started inching towards the door. "Slowly…sloooowwwwly…"
-Back in the Woods-
Ducking her head, Claudia ventured deeper into the crack in the cliff, using her magically glowing hand as a flashlight to light the way.
"Hey, wait for me!" Soren grumbled as he scraped along behind her, his bulky armor screeching as it barely cleared the gap. Suddenly he stopped, stuck tight. "Dammit, my chest muscles are too damn swole, I can't move!" He paused. "…I don't know whether to be proud or annoyed about this."
"You're stuck?" Claudia glanced back at him and shrugged. "Okay, well you know the drill, just hang out there while I go find some butter-"
"Are you kidding me? You eat everything, how do you NOT already have some butter on you?"
"No, silly, you're thinking of peanut butter, that's sticky and it won't help, don't you remember when we tried that before and you started crying and-"
"Oh God please just hurry up it stinks in here from where I stepped in your mess and got really grossed out and puked, then stepped in that, got grossed out again and puked again-"
With a roll of her eyes, Claudia continued on, emerging in a large cavern where the walls glowed with beautiful phosphorescent mushrooms. Dozens of green fireflies immediately swarmed around her face, attracted to the light from her hand. Claudia flailed and drew a breath to scream, accidentally inhaled a few bugs, and choked. Gagging, she scrambled for a jar, then hawked and spit the bugs out into the glass, quickly screwing on the lid.
"Ha HA, I've got them!" she said triumphantly. "…I mean, other than the ones I swallowed. But anyway! We've got all the ingredients for the spell now, Soren!"
"Alright, good, great! I'm like, so happy for us." Soren called, his voice echoing. There was a pause. "…Now how do we cast it?"
"Oh, easy. We just have to climb the tallest mountain in all of Katolis!"
There was another, longer pause.
"Okay, why the HELL didn't you tell me about that BEFORE we left? I didn't pack my climbing shoes OH MY GOD THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY FACE AND I CAN'T MOVE AND BRUSH IT OFF CLAAAAAUDS-"
-Back in Town-
Rayla sat at the base of the burbling fountain in the town's courtyard, slumped over in defeat. She hadn't been able to find her cloak and had to make do with a picnic blanket she'd stolen off someone's clothesline. She pulled it tighter over her head, sure that no-one would-
"Mommy, look at the sad Elf lady wearing a picnic blanket like a total weirdo!"
"Oh my GOD I give up!" Rayla cried, throwing off the blanket. Everyone screamed at the sight of her pointed ears and horns and ran. "…Yeah I don't even fucking care any more." Callum and Ezran came jogging up, panting.
"Hey, Rayla! Did you get that guy's knife?" Ezran asked excitedly. "Did you cut off your bracelet? Did you remember to say sorry?"
"…Did you at least hide the body well-" Callum began.
"So. Bad news. The Sunforge blade didn't work," she said bluntly, holding up her purple arm, bracelet still intact. "Worse news? He knows I'm an Elf." She paused. "And so does everyone else now, I guess." She paused again, then sniffed. "…Why do you guys smell like wolf piss and untold terror?"
"So. Bad news. The egg is dying," Ezran said quietly. "Worse news? We might all be dying soon."
"…What."
"We have to climb up the Cursed Caldera," Callum explained, "one of the tallest, most dangerous mountains in Katolis, which is infested with terrifying monsters, on the incredibly slim chance we find a magical miracle healer who can save it. Oh, and the person who told us about this so-called miracle healer is some crazy kid who believes her rabid wolf pet is a sweet baby puppers that is not about to eat her face off. Plot twist! It is."
"…Are you two fucking kidding me." Rayla stared at them in disbelief. "You expect me to put my life on the line by climbing some death-mountain on the slightest off-chance that some kid's imaginary friend shows up? That is the worst fucking idea you have ever-"
"There she is! The Elf who molested me!" The blonde man from earlier appeared, a mob of people with pitchforks and torches behind him.
"Okay guys let's go climb the killer mountain who's with me-"
"She USED me and then left! Like it meant nothing to her!"
"Yeah, because your tiny dagger didn't work!" Rayla shouted back at him. "Satisfaction guaranteed, my ass!"
"How DARE—"
"You're not helping!" Callum and Ezran grabbed one hand each and hauled her off. They ran through the village, dodging murderous villagers left and right, finally escaping the town and heading towards the Cursed Caldera in the distance. The blonde man halted at the town's edge, holding up a hand to stop the mob and shaking his head.
"No. There's no point following them up there," he said darkly. "They'll never make it out alive…"
"A little girl did," someone said from the back. "Like, seriously, she was what, five years old, tops?"
"…Oh shit you're right, after them!"
-Episode 7 End-