The Dragon Brat
Episode 8
Worst Caldera
Ezran and Rayla dashed up the steep mountainside of the Cursed Caldera, dodging passed twisting, gnarled trees, the sun just beginning to set behind them. They finally stopped to hide behind a particularly large tree, pausing to catch their breath and peek behind them to see if they were safe from the murderous mob of racist villagers. Several long minutes later, Callum came stumbling after them, drenched in sweat and gasping for air.
"Okay, we're definitely safe if he managed to away," Rayla said to Ezran.
"You guys…wait…for me!" Callum panted out, then collapsed next to them in a heap, his legs flopping like limp noodles. He pulled off his scarf to wipe his sweaty face. "Oh GOD that was a climb my thighs are burning and I've got a stitch in my side, what the fuck is my BPM-"
"We ran for, like, two minutes," Rayla stated. "I've had more strenuous bowel movements."
"…Was it berries?" Ezran asked.
"No seriously, you guys, it feels like my heart's coming up my throat- oh no wait that's just puke- *HUUURK*!"
"I still think we should have tripped and left him behind as bait for the villagers," Rayla muttered under her breath to Ezran. "Or, you know, no reason, just because."
"I said no!" Ezran hissed at her.
"I can't move my toes, Rayla you're gonna have to carry me the rest of the way up-"
"We need him!" Ezran went on.
"For what?" She raised an eyebrow. "All the bitching and moaning?"
"Oh no wait the feeling's coming back now- aaagh! Leg cramp!"
"…Comic relief?"
"…Alright fine you got me there." Rayla settled back, rolling her eyes. "How are we even supposed to find this so-called 'miracle healer' to save the Dragon Brat?"
A shadow loomed from the rocks above them, a pair of eyes glowing red like sinister lamps. They all screamed and grabbed each other, except for Callum, who went for a titty and got a knee in the crotch instead.
"Don't worry, guys! It's just me!" The shadow stepped forward, revealing Ellis, the crazy little girl, sitting astride Ava, her crazy big wolf. The three stared at them for a long moment.
Callum and Ezran screamed again.
"You guys are meaaan!" Ellis shouted at them.
"Sorry, it's the PTSD from almost having our faces eaten off." Callum glared at her, then blinked in confusion. "Wait a second, how did you even ride that bitch up here?"
"Easy!" Ellis pulled out a long wooden pole with a piece of meat tied to a string at the end. Ava snarled and started running around in circles, snapping desperately for a bite.
"…What happens if she gets the meat?" Ezran whispered, eyes wide with terror.
"What are you doing here, Ellis?" Callum wobbled to his feet and crossed his arms sternly. "Selling Girl Scout cookies?"
"I'll take a box of Thin Mints," Ezran said immediately.
"Ez, NO, put your wallet away. I'm just saying, this mountain is dangerous and it's no place for a kid- Ezran NO not YOU get back here-"
"Follow me!" Ellis told them cheerfully. "I'll help you find the miracle healer!"
"Yeah no we're all set." Callum held up a hand. "Pass."
"But…but this mountain is filled with evil, horrible monsters ready to devour you whole!"
"…You mean other than the wolf?"
"Hey!" Ellis gasped indignantly. "Ava is the sweetest, gentlest- no baby spit the boy out, bad wolfie-"
"Ezran oh my God!"
"SHE GOT THE MEAT HELP ME CALLUM SHE GOT THE MEAT-"
One freshly hung piece of meat and a slobber-covered brother later, the others had finally agreed to allow Ellis to show them the way up the mountain for the price of a box of Thin Mints each. Munching on their cookies, Callum, Ezran and Rayla continued up the trail, following close behind the large wolf. But not too close, in case she gave up on the meat and went for something…fresher.
"So, is anyone going to tell me who the kid is?" Rayla asked after a moment, her mouth full. "I mean, other than bat-shit crazy."
"She's that psycho girl with the pet rabid wolf we told you about!" Ezran whispered fiercely. "And that's saying something, coming from me."
"…You mean she's real?" Rayla gaped at them. "I thought you two were just screwing with me! I mean, nobody's that dumb-"
"Puppy kisses!" Ellis giggled as Ava snapped viciously for the meat, drops of slobber spattering the girl's face.
"Holy shit I can't believe- wait a second." Rayla stopped and looked deadpan at Callum. "I know you. Of course someone is that dumb." Callum rolled his eyes.
"I suppose I should introduce you two properly," he sighed. "Ellis, this is the Elf Rayla. She broke into our castle and tried to kill my brother and me."
"…I said I was sorry," Rayla muttered.
"Not to me!"
"Yeah you don't matter." Rayla leaned over and gave Ezran a big hug and a kiss. "Mmmwah! So anyway, how do we find this healer?"
"It's easy!" Ellis began. "One of you just has to let me hack off one of your legs!" She held up a rusty hacksaw and smiled sweetly.
"…Why do you still have that?" Callum asked.
"I nominate Callum!" Ezran said quickly, raising his hand.
"What? Hey! No, shut up-"
"All in favor, say 'aye'."
"AYE!" Rayla and Ellis chorused, hands up.
"You guys are NOT funny no one come near me get away from me-"
"Oh my God, Callum, calm down." Rayla said, holding up her hands. "We're just joking."
"…Okay fine but you guys are taking it a bit too far," Callum grumbled, relaxing, and Rayla seized him in a headlock.
"I've got him! Quick, Ezran, hold him down while Ellis gets the saw-" Callum shrieked and started thrashing around violently. Rayla let him go. "God, man. Learn how to take a joke." Callum just started rocking and sucking his thumb.
"The truth is, I never found the miracle healer, she found us," Ellis admitted. "I dragged Ava's unconscious body all the way up to a big hollow tree near the top of the mountain." She paused thoughtfully. "She must have followed the blood trail."
"Can she help with recent mental trauma?" Callum spoke up, glaring at Rayla. She faked a grab. He flinched.
"Am I going to have to separate you two?" Ezran asked in a stern voice. "We can turn around and go right back down this mountain-"
"Look, this whole idea is just stupid." Rayla argued, frowning. "We climb all the way up this frigging murder mountain, find a tree, and just hope that a stranger from three years ago shows up again? Really?"
"What else are we supposed to do, Rayla?" Callum threw up his hands. "She's not exactly in the fucking Yellow pages-"
"We can always hack someone's leg off," Ellis piped up.
"You shut up! You're not allowed to talk!"
"Let's just get to the tree for now," Ezran suggested. "We'll figure out what to do next after that. I suggest supper." He gasped suddenly. "Hey, maybe the healer can help your hand!" He glanced at Rayla's purpling appendage. She huffed.
"Oh please, my hand is fine-"
"High five!" Ezran gave her hand a slap. She clutched it and screamed in pain. "Yep, definitely fine."
"If I wasn't in excruciating pain, I would totally flip you off," Rayla hissed out through gritted teeth. "…Godammit no I wouldn't, you're too adorable-"
The group continued the dangerous climb up the Caldera, leaping across gaps, walking carefully over fallen trees, inching their way along narrow ledges, rappelling up cliffs-
"Okay, that's just not fair!" Callum yelled up at Rayla, who dangled high above them. "Get back down here and walk like the rest of us!"
"What?" she called back innocently. "Sorry, I can't hear you all the way up here!"
"You're such a bitch-"
"I fucking heard that you little shit I'm coming down right now-"
"Oh shit outta my way-"
Finally, the group emerged out onto a jutting cliff face with a stunning view of the setting sun washing the distant horizon a deep crimson.
"What a beautiful sunset," Ellis sighed wistfully. "Almost the exact same shade of red as the blood that's about to be spilled! Let the nightmare begin!"
"…Oh God this is it, she's gonna murder us all, I fucking TOLD you guys but you wouldn't listen-"
"Oh, don't be silly," Ellis said. "If I wanted to murder you guys, I'd need way more than just my hacksaw." The others exchanged concerned looks as she continued. "I'm just warning you, it's about to get real scary, so be ready!"
"Oh, please," Rayla snorted. "I've spent the last few weeks with this idiot, I can handle anything."
"Hey!" Callum glared at her. "…You're welcome."
"Plus, the higher we climb, the worse it will get," Ellis continued. "I'm talking huge monsters, terrible things! I fully expect at least one of you to poop your pants." She looked meaningfully at Callum. "My money's on you."
"…I would be offended if that weren't true," Callum muttered.
"It's cool, Cal, I've got a fresh pair of underpants for you to borrow," Ezran said with confidence, flashing a thumbs-up. "Hope you like Spongebob!"
"I'm not gonna need it, okay? I've got this." Callum said, waving him away. "In fact, I've thought of a great plan: Flash, Woof, Whoosh-"
"No," Rayla interrupted, crossing her arms.
"But-"
"NO. Stop. Shut the fuck up. We are not doing that. It's dumb. You're dumb."
"Look, we need a plan to use against the monsters-"
"Our plan is to let whatever the fuck monster we find eat you first."
"I'm sure not everyone-"
"All in favor say-"
"Alright, forget it, let's just fucking go!" Callum hunched over sulkily and turned to leave.
"You're such a fool," Rayla sighed, then blinked. "…Wait a second. Fool!" She grabbed Callum by the shoulders and spun him around to face her. "Callum! You're a fool!"
"Okay, if you guys don't stop being mean to me I'm just going to leave and go by myself up the terrifying mountain-"
"No, Callum! It's the second half of the lightning spell: Fulminis! That's the Draconic word for lightning!"
"…It's the trigger word for the spell!" Callum gasped, realization dawning on his face. He pulled out the Primal Stone and grinned triumphantly. "Which means I can use the lightning spell! Ha! Take that, bitches! You need me now!" Rayla stared at him for a beat, then snatched the Stone and chucked it away. Then everyone turned and walked off. "…I will zap all of you."
-Meanwhile-
Back at the castle of Katolis, Lord Viren walked down the stone steps into the dungeon, balancing a tray of food in one hand. Traveling the dark corridors, he arrived at a cell and pushed the door open. Inside was Runaan, chained to the wall, shirtless, his bare skin glistening in the soft glow of several scented candles-
"Okay, what the fuck is this?"
"I have no idea," Runaan sniffed, flicking hair out of his face. "Your daughter set it up, said something about finding you a new boyfriend now that your old one is dead." He gestured to the fuzzy pink handcuffs around his wrists. "Also, I think I'm allergic to these. Can I get some normal iron chains or something?"
"I am going to have to have a talk with that girl," Viren sighed, kneeling in front of the prisoner and placing the tray on the ground. "Now, on to more important matters. You have to eat or you'll starve. I went out of my way to acquire some rare Xadian fruits for you." He picked up a weird purple fruit and held it out for the Elf, who turned away. "No? Not hungry?" He paused. "…Here comes the choo-choo train!" Runaan stared at him, deadpan. "Huh. That always worked with Soren. Even now, actually. Which is kind of weird now that I think about it." He shrugged and took a bite of the fruit, then immediately gagged. "Oh dear GOD what IS that it's DISGUSTING-" Runaan started to laugh. Still gagging, Viren fumbled for the cup of berry juice, chugging it down, then instantly spat it out in disgust, retching. "Hhoooooogghh that's even WORSE what the FUCK-" Runaan laughed harder. Viren grabbed the chamber pot and vomited in it for several long moments, then weakly crawled back over. "…Ready to talk yet?" he whispered raggedly.
Runaan doubled over laughing, struggling to breathe.
"Alright. Seriously. Let's talk," Viren said, sitting up, "one ten to another."
"I'm an eleven, but go on."
"I have a proposition-"
"I am not having sex with you."
"NOT THAT KIND OF PROPOSITION." Viren glared at him venomously. "I simply want you to look at something and tell me what you think."
"Hmm…" Runaan narrowed his eyes, studying him closely. "Well, your jacket looks cheap and therefore makes you look cheap, your pants are SO last year and fail to hid your bulbous thighs, and your shoes make your ankles look fat. All in all, a hideous outfit."
"…My shoes bring my whole outfit together you son of a bitch!" Viren burst out before he could calm himself. "I didn't mean my clothes. I require your comment on another matter. I will set you free if you agree to do this. What do you say?"
"I am already dead," the Elf intoned, looking away from him. Viren huffed, gathering the food tray before standing up.
"Yes, I've heard of this…some Moonshadow Elf thing where you believe that you are already dead, so you do not fear death. Well, that's easy. I simply have to find something that you fear more than death." He glared down Runaan, the air thick with menace and- "Hurk!" Runaan snorted as he started dry-heaving again. "Want me to make you wear this outfit?!" Runaan stopped, turning pale.
Viren spun on his heel and marched haughtily out of the cell, slamming the door closed and heading towards the stairs. He passed by Gren, the freckled man still chained up against the other wall. He perked up as Viren walked by.
"Ah! Excuse me, Garcon? Is that the meal I ordered? I'm so very hung- where are you going? Garcon? Garcon?"
Viren ignored him, stomping up the stairs and closing the door behind them. Gren stood in the darkness for a long moment.
"…I just soiled my pants again."
-Back With the Kids-
Callum, Ezran, Rayla and Ellis had entered a dark plateau littered with dead stumps, a layer of mist curling on the ground at their feet. Ezran was using Bait as a handy flashlight to light the way when he started flickering and went dim.
"Uh, oh. Looks like I need to change the batteries." Ezran pulled out a tart and popped it into the toad's mouth, which immediately brightened. "There we go, we're good for another hour."
"Okay, I want a refund," Callum said suddenly. "This is the worst haunted house I've ever been to. We haven't seen any monsters or anything. This isn't scary at all-" He turned to see Ellis sharpening the hacksaw on Ava's teeth. "On second thought this is plenty scary I think I might need Spongebob after all EZRAN-"
"EEEEEEK!" Ellis' sudden scream cut through the air like a knife.
"Oh Jesus Christ what where is it-"
"There's a huge dead thing over there!" she cried, pointing.
"…If it's dead then why did you scream?!" Callum exploded. "Now I definitely need Spongebob!"
"Sorry, I got excited." She shrugged. "It's a girl thing."
"No it's not," Rayla said.
"Ooh, look, berries!" Callum cried.
"EEEEEEK!" Rayla let out an excited shriek, then stopped and glared at him. "…Shut the fuck up."
The group cautiously approached the shadowy lump, finding a large dead beast lying on its side. Ava immediately began chewing on a leg.
"Wait, why would you be excited about a big dead thing?" Ezran asked as he walked up to the corpse and poked it with a finger.
"Hey, stop that!" Callum cried. "Don't touch it! What is wrong with you? Here." He handed him a stick. "Go crazy."
"Yaaay!" Ezran cheered and started poking at the corpse, letting off a swarm of flies.
"That is some A+ parenting right there," Rayla snorted.
"Well maybe if you'd do your share of the work and set some boundaries we wouldn't be having this trouble-"
"Hey, look!" Ezran interrupted them. "It's got a big bite mark on it." He pointed to a large, gaping hole in the beast's side.
"You're right," Rayla said, studying the wound. "Something's drained all of its blood." She looked around suspiciously. "But what could possibly have-"
"EEEEEEEEK!"
"Holy fuck what is it this time-"
"Oh my God, do you think it could have been Edward Cullen?" Ellis gushed excitedly. "He's such a babe! I hope he bites me and I become his vampire wifey-"
"If this bitch does not stop screaming I am going to run out of fucking underwear," Callum stated.
"It's okay, I have Power Rangers, too," Ezran told him.
"Wow, Robert Patterson has really let himself go," Ellis said, and the others turned just in time to see a huge leech monster rising up from behind the rotting corpse.
"…Does anyone have a huge bag of salt?" Callum asked calmly. The leech screeched at them, revealing a circular mouth filled with sharp teeth. Callum screeched right back.
"Huh, guess it's not just a girl thing," Ellis commented.
They all slowly backed up as the leech slithered closer, hissing.
"Come on you guys," Callum begged desperately. "The plan! It's time for the plan!"
"How did it go again?" Rayla asked. "Oh, right. Trip you and leave you as bait." She turned, kicked his ankle, and ran off with the others.
"THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN!" Callum hobbled back to his feet and stumbled away. Ellis came up beside him astride Ava.
"Quick, hop on my puppy! She'll get us out of here!" Ava punctuated this with a vicious snap. "…I can't guarantee it'll be in one piece, though!"
"Yeah no thanks I think I'll take my chances with the killer leech monster-"
"Alright, fine! You leave me no choice." Ellis pulled out a bottle of barbecue sauce and squirted him on the back. "Get him, Ava!" The wolf howled and went nuts, chasing Callum up onto some large boulders. Callum screamed in terror as Ava tackled him, tearing at the back of his jacket in a frenzy. "There, we're safe! You're welcome!"
Meanwhile, Rayla and Ezran had found a towering, ancient tree and scrambled up the stump to the safety of the high branches. The leech huffed in annoyance, then took out a magazine and settled down to wait.
"Oh, great! What now?" Rayla grumbled. "Hopefully it'll lose interest-" The leech took out a dozen more magazines. "What does this thing have a fucking subscription?! Whatever. We'll just have to wait it out."
"Do you think it'll let me borrow one?" Ezran asked. "I'm bored already."
"I hope Callum is okay." Rayla paused as his anguished screams echoed over the distance. "…Well at least we know he's still alive."
"Here, let's try to communicate with them using Morse code. Bait can be the light!" Ezran stepped forward and held up Bait. "S…O…S…bring…snacks-"
"This is gonna be a long fucking wait."
-Back at the Castle-
Lord Viren slowly dragged the ornate mirror, covered with a cloth, through the dark hallways of the dungeon, grunting and straining under the weight. Gren spoke up over the unholy screeching to offer advice.
"Oh, watch out for that corner, you don't want to get caught up on it. Move it more to the left, the left, there you go. No, no, you have to lift with your legs, not your back! You have to be more careful or you'll throw it out, especially at your age-" The screech cut off as Viren suddenly straightened to give him a murderous glare. Gren wisely shut up. Viren bent back to his work and dragged the mirror the rest of the way into Runaan's cell. "…Also you could have used a dolly," Gren added. Viren slammed the door shut with emphasis.
"…Christ, maybe I should have listened to him, I think I did throw my back out." Viren grimaced and knuckled the small of his back, then turned to glare at Runaan, still chained against the wall. "Alright, Elf. I'm going to uncover this, and then you're going to tell me everything you know about it. And, just in case you don't feel like talking, I've brought you some… motivation." He pulled out his purse, sprinkling coins on the ground at his feet.
"What, are you trying to make it rain? I'm not a damn stripper." Runaan sniffed in affront. "At least, not for this amount."
"What? No! That's not what I-"
"Also I have some rules. No touching, no sniffing, no dirty old men- I guess that means you're out-"
"Fucking forget it! Christ!" Viren bent to pick up the coins. "Gahh! My back!"
"Told you!" Gren called from the hallway.
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
-With the Kids-
Still stuck up the tree, Rayla sat next to Ezran, who held the Dragon Brat's egg in his lap, its light dim and weak.
"I'm a horrible mother," he said quietly. "Social Services is totally going to take away my baby."
"Give yourself a break," Rayla told him. "Everyone screws up sometimes." She paused. "Or all the time, like me."
"What are you talking about?" Ezran frowned in confusion.
"Oh, come on." She started counting on her fingers. "I screwed up our group's arrival, I screwed up your assassination, I screwed up the catch and lost us the big game-"
"Don't say that!" He cut her off impatiently. "I think you're awesome."
"Aww. Thanks, Ezran." Rayla gave him a shy smile and they went for a hug-
"Ow! My eye!"
"Godammit I screwed up again! SEE?!"
Over on the giant boulders, Callum kept looking over at the other pair in the tree, fidgeting nervously.
"Do you think they're talking about me over there?" he whispered aloud, still twitching. "Oh GOD what if Ezran's telling her a bunch of embarrassing stories about me? I bet his is! There's no way he wouldn't! Hey, shut up over there!"
"What is he talking about?" Rayla asked, confused.
"No idea," Ezran said, "but one time Callum-"
"You'd better not be telling her about the time I pooped my pants on accident because I felt like I had to fart and pushed too hard!" Callum shouted. His voice echoed across the gap. There was an awkward silence.
"I didn't," Ezran called back, "but you just did!"
"Son of a-"
"Wow! I can't believe you're a wizard!" Ellis interrupted, squealing excitedly. "Do you know Harry Potter? EEEEEE! He's so dreamy! I ship him with Draco! EEEEE! Want to read some of my fanfiction-"
"Okay you know what the giant leech can just suck all my blood out I'll be so much happier." Callum started climbing down the rocks but Ava lunged forward and bit his sleeve, dragging him back up and shaking him like a doll. "Godammit, Rayla and Ez better be just as miserable as- bitch are they hugging?"
Rayla and Ezran stared up at the brilliant night sky as they continued their deep discussion.
"The morning we arrived at your castle," Rayla began, "a Human guard spotted us. I was supposed to chase him down and stop him…and then shit got really weird. Anyway, I ended up letting him go." She paused. "Also getting a restraining order. I still don't know why I didn't kill him."
"Because you felt for him," Ezran answered her solemnly. "You saw that he was a person, just like you." He paused. "Only male. And Human."
"And perverted, don't forget perverted," Rayla added, then sighed. "…I can't believe I'm an assassin that's never assassinated anything."
"That's not true!" Ezran protested. "You've killed any chance of Ezran having children with all the nut punches! Anyway, I'm glad you didn't kill me."
"Me too," Rayla chuckled. "You're definitely worth losing a hand for."
"…How about Callum?"
"I'd lose a hand just to forget I ever met him."
"Burn." They high-fived, then went in for another hug- "Ow! My other eye!"
"Son of a bitch!"
Over on the rocks, Callum had pulled out the Primal Stone and was showing it to Ellis.
"Look, I'm not a damn wizard, okay? I have to use this as the source of my power. Otherwise…I'm just a loser." Ellis stared at him blankly. "A Muggle. I'm a fucking Muggle, okay?"
"Oh, come on!" Ellis said doubtfully. "You mean to tell me that just anyone can use it and do magic?"
"…Pretty much yeah."
"Oh. Okay." She stared at him for a long moment. "…Want to go look over the edge for me for no apparent reason? And make sure you lean waaaay over, and don't look behind you, even if you hear someone approaching-"
"I'm not going to let you kill me so you can steal the Stone, kid."
"Whaaaaat? Kill you? I would never do that!" She gazed up at him innocently, batting her eyelashes. "Want to rub the rest of this barbecue sauce all over your body and go pet my wolfie?"
"Oh my God I'll draw you some Drarry fanart if you knock it off."
"EEEEEEEE!"
"And stop FUCKING squealing!"
"Hey, you guys!" Rayla called over, her voice echoing. "I think that giant leech thing might be gone!"
"What makes you so sure?" Callum called back.
"Well, Ez is down on the ground and he hasn't been horribly devoured yet-"
"He's WHAT?!" Callum threw himself down the rocks in a blind panic, landing in an untidy heap. He sat up, searching frantically for his brother. "Ez? Ezran?! Oh my God where is he we have to find him before he becomes leech poo-" He cut off at the sound of giggling and slowly looked up to see Ezran and Rayla sitting up in the tree, waving at him merrily. "…You weren't sure at all, were you?"
"Nope. Nice job, though." Rayla grinned at him, and she and Ezran climbed down, Ellis and Ava joining them as well. They all regrouped on the ground, looking around for any sign of the beast.
"Alright, it looks like that stupid thing is actually gone," Rayla said finally.
"Ugh, good riddance. That giant leech can suck my-"
"Callum!" Rayla cut him off, glaring at him. "Children."
"I was gonna say blood!" he protested.
"Sure you were."
"…I thought he was going to say dick."
"EZRAN."
"Look, can we just maybe NOT joke about the giant killer leech thing?" Rayla went on. "There's something called irony. It's where just as you say one thing, the opposite happens."
"Okay." Callum stared at her. "I sure hope you punch me in the face."
She decked him.
"OW Rayla what the FUCK-"
"You asked me to do it!"
"I was being ironic! I wanted you to kiss me or something!"
The giant leech loomed up from the shadows behind them and screeched menacingly.
"Okay. That. You see that?" Rayla said, pointing. "That's irony."
"Ohhhh." The others stood there for a second, then screamed and scattered in all directions. The leech lunged for Rayla, who dodged nimbly out of the way.
"Hey, what the hell?" she cried. "Going after the Elf? This leech is racist!" The leech hesitated, then went for Ezran.
"Uhh, hello?" He gestured to himself. The leech rolled its eyes and went for Ellis.
"I'm just a little girl!" Ellis shouted. "What are you, sexist?" The leech just sat there, then looked at Callum. He stared back blankly.
"…Yeah I got nothing."
The leech shrieked at him and lunged. Callum screamed back just as piercingly and dashed away.
"Come on, you guys!" he begged as he ran. "Let's at least just try the plan! Please?"
"Ugh, alright, fine," Rayla huffed, crossing her arms. "How does it go again?"
"Flash it first, Ezran!" Callum pointed at his brother, who promptly pulled down his pants and mooned the leech. It reared back in shock. "…Okay I guess that works. Now, Ellis, you distract it!" Ellis nodded and ran up to the leech.
"Hi! Who are you? What's your name? Wanna pet my doggy? Do you like fanfiction? Want to read some with me? EEEEEEE!" The leech flinched at the incredibly annoying onslaught and began to retreat.
"Good job!" Callum cried. "…Actually, a little too good, shut the fuck up. You're, like, super annoying. Now, it's my turn!" He reached into his pocket to pull out- "Hey, what the fuck? Where's my Primal Stone?!"
"Yeah, sorry, I stole it," Ellis said, holding the Stone. "Am I a wizard now?"
"Oh my GOD- alright, whatever, FINE! We'll skip that part. Rayla, you're up! Slash!"
"Okay!" Rayla took a deep breath and pulled out her knife, holding it in her good hand. "I can do this…I can do this…" She ran towards the leech, raised her knife, and-
Immediately tripped and fell on her face.
"…Wow, she was right. She does screw up a lot."
"Ezran!"
"Godammit, you guys! Why does this always-" Rayla rolled over just as the leech lunged forward, stabbing itself on her upraised knife. Rayla stared at the others in disbelief. "…I don't care I'm still counting it. Score one for me- don't you fucking look at me like that! I need this, don't ruin it for me!" Dozens of baby leeches suddenly squirmed out of the larger corpse, crawling all over her. "…Okay ruin it for me, I don't care anymore, RUIN IT! Get these things off of me!"
"Don't worry, I got this!" Ellis approached with Ava, who snarled hungrily, slobber dripping from her jaws. "Okay, girl! Go on, eat up! Alright now, Rayla, just lay reaaaally still-"
"RAFF RAFF RAFF!"
"Eeeeeek!"
-In the Dungeon-
Lord Viren strode into the cell, glaring at Runaan, who sat against the wall, his bare skin gleaming in the candlelight, hair sexily mussed-
"Okay what the FUCK this is some BULLSHIT you've been chained up for how long and you still look like that? I can't believe Claudia went to all the trouble to schedule you a spa treatment-"
"Oh, no, she didn't," Runaan stated. "I just look like this."
"…Really?" He blinked. "Well that's just not fucking fair. What kind of shampoo do you use- no, nevermind!" Viren cleared his throat and began. "I believe I've given you enough time to think my deal over. Now, tell me what you know about this relic, or I will seal your fate!" He unveiled the mirror with a flick of his wrist. Runaan gasped in horror, going pale. "Oh my God, what? What is it?!"
"Is…is my fucking HORN broken? I'm gonna have to super-glue that bitch back on there!"
"I don't give a fuck about your horn! Talk!"
"That was my favorite fucking horn! It curved just right-"
"Enough! Just tell me what the fucking mirror is!"
"Alright, I'll tell you." Runaan glared up at him, defeated. "Come closer, and I'll whisper it into your ear." Viren crouched eagerly beside him, leaning in close to hear- "Biiiiiiitch." Viren just sat there for a long moment, then started chanting a dark spell.
Outside the cell, Gren whistled aimlessly to himself. The sounds of anguished screams suddenly cut through the air. He broke into a sweat and started whistling louder. Several minutes later, the screams cut off and Lord Viren slowly emerged from the cell, cloaked in shadow, his eyes glowing eerily in the dark. He entered the torchlight, revealing his skin, a ruined landscape of cracked gray and black. Gren gasped at the sight of him, visibly appalled.
"Good GOD, man! …Learn to exfoliate!"
Viren gave a ghastly smile and lifted up a small gold coin. Runaan could be seen trapped inside, struggling and shouting.
"I can't decide what I'm going to use him for…M&M's, or Skittles?" Viren paused, considering. "You know what? I think I'm just gonna fuck with him and buy a tampon."
-With the Kids-
Back at the Cursed Caldera, the group of unsupervised children continued their way through the black, twisted trees in the dead of night. Ellis suddenly let out a piercing squeal.
"I swear to GOD if there's another killer monster out there we are feeding you to it-"
"No, silly! Look up there! That's the tree!" She pointed to a lone tree sticking up on the mountainside.
"We made it! Alright!" Callum cheered, throwing his hands up. "We can DO this, guys! We are gonna make it up there and then we're gonna find the healer and save the egg and win the game and go on to Nationals-"
"Wait hold on what?" Rayla blinked in confusion.
"Rayla, you're on the bench for fumbling the ball in the last play-"
"Hey, fuck you!"
"You guys…wait. I have really bad news," Ezran said soberly, stepping in front of them.
"Listen, Ez, it's okay if you peed your pants," Callum said gently. "None of us will make fun of you." He paused. "Except maybe years from now when I want to embarrass you as an adult-"
"Oh please, like you didn't piss your pants earlier with the giant leech," Rayla snapped at him. "You're one to talk."
"Godammit, I didn't think you could smell it through my overwhelming puberty-induced BO-"
"Even if we make it up there, it doesn't matter," Ezran went on, interrupting them. "There IS no miracle healer." They all gasped and stared at him in stunned disbelief.
"…Well not with that attitude there isn't!"
-Episode 8 End-