The Dragon Brat

Episode 9

Underwhelming Storm

"What do you mean, 'there's no miracle healer'?" Callum demanded, crossing his arms and scowling down at Ezran, who stood in front of him and the others. "Explain!"

"Well," Ezran began, "Ava told me-"

"Ava? Ava told you? The psycho fucking wolf?" Callum scoffed. "What'd she do, bark in Morse code?"

"Look, I can understand animals, okay?" Ezran insisted.

"Really?" Ellis' eyes lit up. "What's my doggy saying to me right now?"

"I want to eat your face off!" Ava snarled hungrily.

"Uhh…she says she loves you."

"Yaaaaaay!"

"Dammit, I knew this girl was crazy, I didn't know it was catching!" Callum muttered under his breath. "Was it the rabid wolf? Did the wolf bite you? No wait who am I kidding it was probably ELLIS-"

"I'm not crazy!" Ezran protested. He looked away and sighed in frustration. "I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"I believe you, Ezran," Rayla said gently, kneeling next to him. "Though it does sound pretty wild-"

"I knew we should've quarantined this bitch-"

"Callum shut up before I quarantine YOU."

"I've always been different from other kids," Ezran began to explain. "It's hard for me make friends…mostly because I take all the other kids' snacks as a Friend Tax."

"…I told dad not to teach you shit like that," Callum grumbled. "Stupid dad and his Dad Tax always eating my fucking pudding-"

"Callum I am serious shut up."

"My pudding, Rayla!"

"Anyway," Ezran continued, "I just don't fit in. But with animals, I have this… connection with them, and a few years ago, I realized I could understand what they were saying." He grinned. "Where did you think I learned all those naughty words?" Callum froze.

"…Son of a bitch! I knew it wasn't me! Dad was SO wrong! I'll bet it was that mean-looking horse in the stables. You know. The black one." He paused awkwardly. "…That came out wrong. I'm not racist, I swear, my best friend is a horse-"

"Oh, goodness no, it was Bait," Ezran stated. Bait grunted beside him and he gasped. "That is the filthiest word I've ever heard." He paused. "I will retain it for future use."

"Tell me, tell me!" Ellis piped up excitedly.

"Hey," Rayla cut in, glaring at the frog. "I will put you in timeout."

"Oh, c'mon!" Callum cried in outrage. "You guys don't actually believe him, do you?"

"Why would he lie?" Rayla asked.

"Because one time he told everyone in the castle that I was secretly a girl and everyone called me Princess for a month."

Rayla snorted.

"In my defense," Ezran said, "it was very believable."

"Ahaha, I get it, cuz I have no shoulders and a girlish physique- I had dudes hitting on me for weeks!" Callum exploded. "One of them told me I had pretty eyes!" He paused for a long moment. "…He was a nice guy. Knew how to treat me like a lady. But the other dudes were all entitled pigs, one of them even whistled at me when I walked by! Men are SO-"

"Can we please get back on topic?"

"Okay, fine!" Callum threw his hands up. "Tell the truth, Ez. We've been through this before." He saw the others confused looks. "He told me this once already. Said that raccoons had told him that there was a treasure behind a waterfall, and when I went to go check, all I found was a big ol' pile of raccoon shit. I was elbow deep in the stuff for an hour." Ezran opened his mouth. "Don't you DARE tell me the treasure was inside me all along-"

"No, those raccoons were just jerks," Ezran answered bluntly. "They stole all my tarts, too." He paused. "And my wallet." He paused again. "I think they went to Mexico."

"This is ridiculous!" Callum cried. "You're ridiculous! God! No wonder you can't make any friends!" Rayla slowly stood up and began to advance, glaring and cracking her knuckles dangerously. "…Okay I take it back you made a friend I'm sorry you made a friend!"

-With Soren and Claudia-

Claudia and Soren, meanwhile, were riding through the forest in the dead of night, steadily approaching a large mountain that loomed in the distance.

"Mount Kalik, the tallest mountain in all of Katolis," Soren supplied, gesturing at the distant mount. "You might say it's…the ka-tallest."

"…Pffft!" Claudia busted up laughing at the lame joke.

"Thank you, thank you." Soren bowed his head. "Now, let's hurry-"

"Ahahaha! Ka-TALLEST!" Claudia doubled over, clutching her stomach.

"Yes, I know. Come on, we need to-"

"Ahaha- *snort*- HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She fell off her horse, legs kicking wildly. Soren just sat there while she rolled around, cackling.

"…Claudia it wasn't that funny."

"Oh God, I think I peed a little!"

"CLAUD-"

"Ahahaaaa- I don't get it."

"Yeah okay I'm done." Soren rolled his eyes and nudged his mount forwards. Claudia crawled back onto her horse and hurried to catch up. "So, you DO have everything you need for your weird spell, right?" He asked, glancing back at her. "Because I'm not climbing all the fucking way up this mountain only to find out that you forgot something like toad oil or fairy wings or some shit." He paused. "Also, pads. You got pads? How bout toilet paper? We good to go? Should I run to the nearest Seven Eleven, get some snacks?"

"It's fine, I have everything," Claudia told him, listing off the ingredients. "I've got that braid of hair, the jar of fireflies, salt and pepper-"

"Okay, sounds goo- wait what were those last two?"

"Nothing!" She hurriedly put away the cannibal cookbook and changed the subject.

-Back With the Kids-

Back on the mountain, the kids continued their climb up the steep slope. Callum groaned, dragging his legs one after another.

"God, this is exhausting," he whined. "The only thing keeping me energized is the spectacular view."

"You mean the moon above us?" Rayla asked, gesturing up at the night sky, where a luminous full moon hung amidst the stars.

"…Uh-huh sure." Callum said. "That nice, round, perky full moon-"

"Okay that's it you're walking in front of me from now on." Rayla pulled out her knife and prodded him forward.

"I was talking about the mooooon-"

"Sure you fucking were. MARCH."

"OooooOOOOOOooooohhhh…"

A creepy, disembodied voice suddenly moaned out of the darkness, the sound echoing through the trees. Ellis stopped, looking around nervously.

"Did anyone else hear that?" she whimpered.

"Nope." Rayla kept right on walking, fingers in her ears. "Can't hear a thing. Keep walking."

A shadow moved behind a tree and Callum choked out a gasp.

"Did anyone else see that?!" he cried.

"Nope." Now Rayla had her hands covering her face. "Got my eyes closed, didn't see a thing. Keep. Walking."

"Does anybody else smell that?"

"Nope, I didn't- eww! Ezran!" Rayla gagged and pinched her nostrils shut. Ezran giggled, then stopped when another moan cut in.

"What if it's someone who needs help?" he asked with concern. Rayla smiled at him.

"Ez, you have a good heart," she said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. Ezran beamed up at her. "…Which is exactly why you would die first if this was a horror film."

"…Not because I'm black?"

"Well I didn't want to be the first one to say it-"

"They won't hurt me, right?" Ellis asked worriedly. "I'm too cute!"

"Girl, you would BE the killer," Callum stated. "You have the hacksaw and everything-"

There was another moan, louder this time. Ezran looked up at Rayla, pleading.

"Ugh, okay, fine! I'll go check. You guys stay here and make sure Callum doesn't do anything stupid." Rayla sighed and headed towards the trees.

"Me? Stupid? That is SO rude." Callum sniffed in affront. "Here, kiddos, we should be prepared for the dark. Have some matches. Take the whole box."

-With Rayla-

Rayla slowly crept through the web-covered trees, her daggers out and ready for any potential threat that might leap at her from the surrounding darkness.

"OooooooOOOOOOooooohhhh…"

She followed the sound of moaning, which were increasing in volume as she drew closer. Rounding a tree, she froze as she came face-to-face with a figure cocooned in spider webs, hanging from the branches. She screamed-

"Oh, wow! Is this one of those piñata things that Bear Grylls wannabe was talking about? Sweet!"

…in delight.

She whipped out a bat and started whacking the shit outta the figure, which groaned in pain and-

"Harder, daddy!"

"WHY'S IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE ME, HUH?!" Rayla screamed aloud, dropping the bat in disgust. "Why do I always find the fucking creeps?!"

"Why'd you stop? I didn't say the safe word," the figure answered, voice muffled by the webbing. "Also, don't kink-shame me. I'm into bondage."

"…Then why are you covered in spider webs?" Rayla pointed out.

"I'm also into bestiality-"

"Holy fuck okay that's it now I'm definitely out of here-"

"No wait, please!" the figure begged. "We got a little carried away. Uh… cupcake!" Rayla stared.

"…Did you just call me a fucking cupcake?"

"No, no. The safe word is 'cupcake'."

"…Now I'm wishing you'd just called me cupcake." Rayla shuddered. "Anyway, no, I'm not cutting you free, and there's no WAY I'm ever going to-"

"Okay, you know what? You got me. I'm a fucking piñata. I'm filled with candy."

"Candy!" Leaning forward, Rayla sliced open the mummy with a quick slash of her dagger. A cloud of dust poured out of the empty shell, billowing around her. She gasped aloud-

"*GAK!*"

And immediately got a lung-full of nasty mummy dust.

"Bleeech!" Rayla turned away, choking and spitting. "Oh my God fucking gross! Cupcake! CUPCAAAAKE!"

-Back With the Others-

"Alright, now here are your knives, freshly sharpened. Go on and try them- oh no wait she's back." Callum and the kids looked up as Rayla came running over, screaming at the top of her lungs. She snatched up the water bag, gargled for a solid minute, then spat it out in Callum's face.

"…Was that really necessary?" he asked.

She pointed up the mountain, her expression murderous.

"WALK."

Callum turned on his heel and obediently began walking up the mountain, the others right behind. After several minutes of silence, he cautiously sidled up next to Rayla and cleared his throat, opening his mouth to speak.

"I choked on perverted pinata's dead remains," she cut him off.

Callum snapped his mouth shut, locked his gaze ahead, and walked faster.

A few minutes later, Ezran stopped in his tracks, cocking his head as he heard some strange noises from the shadows. Curious, he approached the trees, peering into the darkness to see-

"AAAAAAAAA! Oh dear God, what IS that thing?! It's hideous! Get it away from-"

"Ezran what the hell it's ME." Callum stood there, hands on his belt. "I stopped for a pee." He paused. "Also, hurtful."

"Sorry, I'm jumpy." Ezran took his hand ("Oh ew gross did you wash-" "I wiped them on some leaves shut up.") and they hurried to catch up with the others.

"We can always turn back," Ellis said to the others. Callum shook his head.

"No, we can't. The egg doesn't have time." He paused. "Also I forgot the way back." He paused again. "Just to let you know we're all fucked."

"Yeah we already knew that, being with you," Rayla snorted.

"Oh, ha HA. Very funny."

"Come ON, you guys, we can DO this!" Ezran cheered. "Nothing will stop us! Not unless something physically bars our way!" They all suddenly stopped short, a huge spider web blocking their path. "…You know. Like this." He paused. "Is this that irony thing again?"

"You're learning," Rayla congratulated, patting him on the head.

"Can you cut through it with your daggers?" Callum asked.

"Are you kidding me? I just polished these bitches!"

"Okay, fine. Here kids! You get the knives after all-"

"Alright, alright! I'll do it! Christ." Rayla grumbled to herself, pulling out her daggers and slicing through the web. "Everyone stay close, and be careful not to touch them."

"Can I lick them?"

"Can you- what? No, Ezran. What the hell. Why would you lick them?"

"They look like cotton candy."

"Oh my God NO. This is NOT cotton candy. Do NOT-" Callum looked up to find Ellis already had her mouth stuffed full. "…I'm not even mad it'll shut her up."

They ventured further, Rayla swearing under her breath as she chopped through the thickening webs.

"Well, I guess I can't really complain, at least it's just webs and not-"

A giant spider dropped from the trees and landed in front of them, screeching at them with huge, dripping fangs.

"…Irony again?" Callum asked.

"Yyyyup."

"Ewww, gross!" Ellis shrieked. "Squish it, Callum!"

"My boots aren't big enough for that thing!" Callum cried, shrinking away.

"No, don't hurt it!" Ezran protested. "Just get it in a cup and put it somewhere else-"

"Ezran are you fucking kidding me-"

"It's a living thing!"

"WE won't be living for much longer!" Callum pulled out the Primal Stone and held it aloft. "Alright, time for this bug to get zapped! Fulminus!" He drew the sigil in the air and blasted the spider away.

"Technically, spiders aren't bugs, they're arachnids-" Ezran began, holding a book on insects. A stream of webbing shot out and snatched it away. "Hey!" The spider dropped down again, screeching hungrily. "You can keep it." They all turned and ran to hide behind some trees.

"How are we going to get past that thing?!" Rayla hissed. "And even if we can, we might get caught in a web! And you don't want to know what happens when you get caught in one of those-"

"Ooh, ooh, I know! The spider sucks out all your bodily juices and leaves you hanging by a thread, trapped in a never-ending suspended animation of horrible agony between life and death!"

There was an awkward pause.

"…I need to stop getting you books," Callum muttered.

-Meanwhile-

Soren and Claudia continued their horseback ride through the darkened forest, still heading towards the mountain.

"Hey, can we find a place to pull over?" Soren spoke up. "I need to start stretching if we're going to be climbing a mountain. I don't want to pull a hammy- BLECK!" He suddenly gagged, pinching his nostrils closed. "Gross! Claudia, I think your horse just-"

"Wasn't the hoooorse," she sang, grinning back at him.

"…I was gonna say 'shit itself'-"

"…Wasn't the hoooorse…"

"You should probably get that checked out."

-Back With the Others-

Callum, Ezran, Rayla and Ellis all cowered behind the trees, too afraid to confront the giant spider that blocked their path.

"What are we going to do?" Callum whispered. "How are we going to get by it?" He paused. "Hold on, do you have any more of that barbecue sauce, Ellis? Spray that bitch and let nature take its course-"

"Gross, NO!" Ellis made a face. "My sweet baby Ava would never stoop to eating such a disgusting-"

"She's eating a dead, maggoty squirrel right now."

"You guys, it's fine," Ezran interrupted, smiling confidently. "We can just walk right by the spider."

"Walk right BY?" Callum gaped at his brother in disbelief, then whipped around to glare at Rayla. "Have you been sneaking him more berry juice? I don't care how cute he is, he needs to get sober-"

"I'm not drunk!" Ezran insisted. "Look!" He stood on one leg and recited the alphabet backwards. "…C, B, A! There, see? I'm clean. Anyway, all those noises it's making? That not how spiders talk. That spider's not real! It's a fake!"

"Yeah, sure, uh-huh. And how DO spiders talk?" Callum asked sarcastically.

"Well, first of all, they have a British accent, and secondly-"

"Okay nevermind he's obviously on whatever fucking Ellis is." He turned his glare to the little girl. "Stop supplying him!"

"Here, I'll prove it to you." Ezran turned and started walking towards the spider. "Hey, buddy! Come eat me! I'm soft and squishy and full of red stuff! I'm a walking jelly tart!"

"Ezran no!" Callum jumped up, panicking. "Take her instead!" He snatched Ellis off of Ava and hurled her at the spider. She sailed straight through it and hit the ground with a yelp. "…Wait what."

"See?" Ezran poked at the spider, which crossed its legs and started to sulk. "It's not real. Perfectly harmless! This thing is a joke." The spider burst into tears. "Oh no, wait, its feelings are real, I am so sorry I didn't mean it-"

"You jerk, you threw me! Ava, attack!" Ellis cried. Ava was too busy yakking up the dead maggoty squirrel and eating it again to listen. "…It's okay baby I still love you."

"Wow. I can't believe it," Callum said, walking over and looking down at his brother in wonder. "You were right, Ezran. I…I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

"Ha! You were wrong. You know what that means, Callum." Ezran broke into a huge grin. "You gotta do it."

"Do what?" Rayla asked, joining them.

"Practice his French kissing on Bait as punishment." Ezran picked up the toad and held him out. "Oui oui! Kiss moi!" Bait belched invitingly. Callum groaned, took a breath mint, and leaned forward.

-Later-

The group traveled further up the mountain, finally arriving at a huge tree, which stretched high into the sky, the trunk winding like a giant corkscrew.

"We're here!" Ellis cheered. "This is the tree we hid inside when the miracle healer found us!" The others followed her, crawling inside the tree through a crack and sitting down in the hollow trunk.

"…So wait were we supposed to call for an appointment first or does she take walk-ins-" Callum began after a long moment.

"I dunno." Ellis shrugged. "I showed up and then she appeared. But if we really want to be sure…" She took out the old, rusty hacksaw again. "Quick, hold him down!" The others leapt on Callum, who screamed.

"NO NOT MY LEGS THEY'RE MY BEST FEATURE-" A glow from outside caught their attention. "Oh thank God! Look!"

They all quickly scrambled out to see the full moon glowing brilliantly in the night sky. A large, majestic bird flew down towards them, a figure on its back. The kids watched in awe as the bird landed in front of them and the rider, an older female Elf with white hair up in a bun, hopped off. Rayla gasped at the sight of her.

"Son of a bitch!" she cried. "We want our money back!"

"No refunds," the woman said immediately.

"What are you talking about?" Callum asked, confused.

"Ezran was right," Rayla explained. "This bitch is a fake. She can't heal anything. She's a Moon Mage, an illusionist!"

"Hello!" The woman smiled cheerily. "I am Lujanne, guardian of the Moon Nexus. I do birthday parties and corporate events! Here's my card." She stepped forward and waved a hand. "It's…behind your ear!" She tossed some confetti in their faces. Everyone just gaped at her in disbelief. "…Would you like me to make some balloon animals? No? I can do a pretty good Beyonce-"

"How could I have been so stupid?!" Rayla hissed to herself. "None of those monsters were real, they were all illusions!"

"Yes, they were just there to scare you," Lujanne replied. "That's how I protect the Nexus." She paused. "Also how I get my kicks. The look on your faces! HA!"

"You sick bitch-"

"So…you can't heal anything?" Ezran looked up at her. She sighed.

"Honey, I'm an illusion Mage." She shook her head sadly. "You think my ass looks this good in real life? Please. Things are sagging. And this majestic bird? It's a fuckin' chicken."

"…Then how did you ride-"

"I don't understand!" Ellis cried in frustration. "If you're not a healer, how did you fix my puppy's leg?" The Moon Mage stepped toward the girl and Ava went nuts, snapping at her hungrily.

"Ah, yes. I remember you. The crazy girl and her crazy wolf pup." Lujanne pulled back, frowning. "To help you, I created an illusion: a leg that others would see and feel, even though it wasn't real." She cautiously removed Ava's collar and her front leg immediately disappeared.

"What?!" Ellis shrieked.

"Also I gave you the illusion that she's a harmless puppy and she loves you."

"WHAT?!"

"Here, let me remove that, too." Lujanna waved her hand and Ellis sat there, blinking, then looked down at Ava.

"AAAAAA OHMIGOD WHAT AM I DOING RIDING ON THE BACK OF THIS RABID THING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" She threw herself off the wolf and scrambled away.

"Please." Ezran approached the Moon Mage and took off his backpack. "We need real help, not illusions." He opened the front flap and took out the egg, holding it up. The Elf woman gasped.

"My word, that is the loveliest art project I've ever seen! I hope you got an A on it, you definitely deserve-"

"It's the egg of the Dragon Brat," Rayla explained. "It was stolen, but we saved it. Now…it's dying." Lujanne frowned.

"What happened to-"

"She dropped it in a lake."

"Shut the fuck up Callum before I drop you in one!"

Ignoring their squabbling, Lujanne reached out and gently touched the egg.

"Its life is fading quickly," she said. "The only chance of saving it would be to hatch it…but that won't be possible." She looked at the others, her expression somber. "Sky dragons can only be born in the eye of a storm…and the weather is clear, with a five-mile an hour westward wind. Ten percent chance of precipitation." She lowered her phone with the weather app and shook her head again. "I'm sorry."

The egg went dark in Ezran's arms.

"NO! That can't be it!" he cried. "There has to be a way to save it! I took Lamaze classes!"

"This is all my fault," Rayla said, starting to cry.

"That's not true!" Callum said. She looked at him. "…I mean, yeah, you dropped him, but I'm the one who threw him so you're only, like, sixty percent at fault. Seventy-five at most." Rayla started crying harder. Ezran elbowed him in the dick.

"Rayla, don't listen to him! I think you're a hundred percent amazing!" He gave her a tight hug. They huddled together, lost in despair.

"…Hey. Wait a minute." Callum sat for a moment, thinking furiously. "The Dragon Brat can only be born in the eye of a storm…a storm!" His eyes lit up as a thought suddenly occurred.

"What?" Ezran asked, noticing Callum's change in demeanor. "What is it?"

"Huh, what?" Callum quickly schooled his face. "Nothing."

"No, you've thought of something, haven't you?"

"Nope, not a thing."

"Tell us!" Ezran stomped his foot.

"Alright you two, calm down!" Rayla stepped between the pair. "Wait…she said a storm, right? Well…isn't there a storm in the-"

Callum suddenly whipped out the Primal Stone, holding it aloft and glaring dangerously.

"…I'm zapping the first person who steps towards me."

"Oh, come ON, Callum!" Ezran begged. "We need it to save the Dragon Brat! Don't you wanna be an uncle?"

"Don't you want to be a halfway decent person, more like," Rayla muttered, then whispered to Ezran. "Distract him. I'll go for the legs."

"No! Step back, all of you!" Callum shouted, clutching the stone. "You can't take this away from me! It's the only thing I've got! Without it…what am I? Just a kid who can draw anime tiddies!"

"That's not true!" Ezran said. Callum looked at him, a grateful smile on his face. "You can also draw butts pretty good."

"I'm not doing it!" Callum said hotly. "And there's nothing you can say that will change my-"

"I'll let you touch my butt," Rayla said.

"Alright, everyone stand back, I am dunking this bitch!"

"Men," she snorted.

Taking a deep breath, Callum raised the Primal Stone high over his head, then brought it crashing down with all of his strength-

*Tonk!*

It bounced harmlessly off the ground and rolled back to his feet. Callum blinked.

"Wait wait wait, let me try again."

*Tonk!*

"I just…need to get the angle right."

*Tonk!*

"One more time-"

"Oh my God GIVE IT HERE." Rayla snatched the orb away from him. "This is physically painful to watch. Just let me do it." She raised the Stone, took a breath, then spun in place and dunked that bitch into a nearby basketball hoop, smashing it apart instantly along with Callum's fragile masculinity.

"…I softened it up for you-"

The Primal Stone exploded violently, bolts of electricity flying everywhere and powerful wind bursting out. Dark clouds billowed across the sky, rolling in as the storm enveloped them.

"Oh no, look!" Ezran gasped as the Dragon Brat's egg began to get blown away towards a steep ledge.

"I've got it!" Rayla leapt forward, flinging out an arm just in time to catch the egg-

With Callum's fishing pole.

"HA! I told you it would come in handy!" Callum threw his arms up triumphantly. "I actually packed something useful! Take THAT!"

Struggling against the powerful winds, Rayla reeled the egg back in and began trudging back towards the others, the egg clutched to her chest. Tree branches, random debris and a startled cow whipped around her as the eye of the storm opened up above them all. Lightning began to crackle along the egg's surface.

"Yeowch! Hey! That little brat zapped me! That's it, you're in timeout!" Rayla set the egg down and crossed her arms. "Now you sit there and think about what you did." The egg slowly rose into the air, a rainbow of colors playing along its surface as more lightning bolts converged around it. "Oh great, now he's throwing a fit." A large crack splintered the egg. "Tantrums don't work on me kid, don't even try."

The egg's light suddenly winked out and it plopped to the ground, unmoving. The thunderstorm dissipated, clouds and wind dying down.

"…See, you just have to wait it out, they tire themselves out eventually-"

"My baby!" Ezran wailed, running over to the egg.

"Yeah, sure, go undo everything I've done, spoil him rotten, see if I care-"

"Don't worry, I've got you!" Ezran picked up the Dragon Brat's egg and hugged it to his chest. "There you go, nice and safe!" With a wet crack, the egg exploded, egg whites and leftover yolk splattering Ezran head to toe and dribbling down to pool at his feet. The Dragon Brat squirmed in his arms and blinked up at him, a little blue thing with big eyes and a bristling white mane.

"…The miracle of childbirth is a beautiful thing," Callum stated in the stunned silence.

"…I'm never having a fucking kid," Rayla rasped out, her face pale.

"Ooh! Lemme see! I wanna see the baby!" Ellis ran over, squealing. Ava wandered over and immediately began lapping up the mess.

"Okay that's it I'm gonna puke."

"Alright, Rayla," Callum said. "Start nursing it."

"WHAT!" Rayla shouted at him.

"Well this old lady sure as hell isn't going to be able to with her dried up old titties-"

"WHAT!" Both Elves yelled this time.

"…I am so not prepared for this," Ezran whispered, the realization dawning on him. "I don't have any diapers or formula or anything, I haven't even called any daycares! No-one's gonna let me in!" The baby Dragon started licking his face and he smiled. "Huh, what's that? Your name is Azymondias?" He paused. "…Well that's a shame because I really wanted to call you Jelly Tart."

"NO, then you would EAT him," Callum interrupted, then blinked. "Holy shit wait. I'm an uncle. I'm a cool one, right? I'm not creepy at all, even though I draw naked girls-"

"We'll call you Zym, for short!" Ezran brought the Dragon Brat over to Rayla and set him down. "This is your Auntie Rayla. She dropped you in a frozen lake, but she also saved you from flying off the mountain, so you're pretty much even."

"Maybe you could have left that part out-" Rayla began, then stopped when she noticed Zym chewing on her hand. "Oh, what, is he teething already? Gross, he's drooling all over my-"

*Snap*!

The white bracelet snapped off of Rayla's wrist, falling to the ground. Rayla gaped at her freed hand in shock and awe.

"…Oh my God, thank you so much! I can't believe thaaaaAAAAAA FEELING FLOODING BACK INTO MY HAAAAND AAAAAA- thanks sweetie I'll babysit whenever you want!" She smiled happily and stroked Zym's head, sharing a tender moment with the baby Dragon.

"Hey, now you can still wipe your butt! Hooray!"

"…Way to ruin the moment, Ezran."

-Elsewhere-

Soren and Claudia had braved the heights of Mount Kalik and were now standing at the peak. Claudia was busy getting the ingredients ready for the tracking spell while Soren waited impatiently, shivering with his hands in his armpits.

"Brrr! Dammit, Clods, if I'da known it was gonna be this cold up here, I wouldn't have worn my iron codpiece! My dick is an icicle-"

"Hush, I'm working!" Claudia snapped at him. She placed Rayla's severed braid into a small bowl and set it alight. Head bowed, she started to chant a dark spell. A pair of hands slowly inched into view, warming themselves over the fire. Claudia stopped and glared at her brother.

"Tch! Fine." He took them away and jammed them back under his armpits, sulking. Claudia rolled her eyes and continued the spell, her hands beginning to glow with purple energy. With a word, she released the fireflies from the jar, which rose into the air and became a purple stream of light that shot across the night sky. The light homed in on the Princes, traveling towards the Cursed Caldera.

"There," Claudia said smugly. "That's where we will find them."

"…Can you locate the nearest iHop?" Soren asked after a moment. "I'm hungry."

"Oh my GOD, Soren! Don't be ridiculous!" Claudia cried in exasperation. "…I want tacos. We're going to Taco Bell."

"Okay get me a Chalupa."

-Back With the Others-

Meanwhile, everyone was having fun playing with the new baby Dragon, except for Callum, who the baby had mistaken for a litter box and shit all over his pants. The others stopped laughing and gaped as the sky above them lit up purple.

"…Is this some kind of gender reveal?" Callum asked in confusion. "Because if so, what the FUCK even are you?"

The blazing light dissolved back into fireflies, which drifted slowly down around them.

"They're beautiful," Rayla said softly, awed. She held out a hand and one alighted on her finger. "Ooh, they even tickle a little- wait a minute get your fucking hands off of me Callum-"

"You said I could touch your butt!" Callum cut off, frowning, and sniffed the air. "…Wait a second. Why do I smell…peanut butter?" His frown deepened. "…Also why did I just get a boner-"

Rayla slapped him.

"Well, now that the Dragon Brat is saved, we have something even more important to discuss," Lujanne said, standing up. "…My payment." The others stared at her incredulously. "I accept cash and credit cards. Also, personal checks. So, what will it be?"

"…Do you take fucks?" Callum asked. "Because sadly I'm ALL OUT at the moment."

"Hmph, fine," Lujanne sniffed irritably and crossed her arms. "I am willing to offer you a ten percent discount."

-Meanwhile…-

Back at the castle of Katolis, the diabolical Lord Viren stood atop the battlements, looking out at the purple light splitting the sky. He smiled sinisterly, his face a charred, cracked ruin.

A hand slowly rose into view and began to apply a thick layer of moisturizer to his skin.

-Episode 9 End-

Author's Note: Just to let y'all know I probably won't post any more of this series. If I do any of the other seasons, I'll do it for myself and not upload 'em cuz I take so freaking long and I feel bad lol.