The following weeks were immensely easier with Rose sharing their secret.
Walking around the apartment didn't feel like walking on eggshells anymore, which was a relief given how much Finn managed to make Ben nervous. As friendly and funny as he was, the man seemed to have a tendency to ask the questions that made Ben feel trapped. Rose came to his rescue most of the time, saving him with an ease he could only admire; and with each discreet wink she gave him, Ben felt more and more at home. Every day felt a little easier than the one before; and before he knew it, he found himself actually comfortable in this new life. Sure, this room had nothing to do with the spacious one he'd left behind in Brooklyn and he was sometimes suspicious of the food, but he could see why Rey wanted to come back so bad.
There wasn't a night when she didn't ask about her friends, and truth be told, Ben always felt his heart tinge a little whenever she manifested some eagerness to come back. Despite the obvious awkwardness and pining whenever they were around each other, Finn and Poe made a hilarious pair: the mechanic made the days at work worth getting up, and Finn- Finn reminded him of his mother, always making sure everyone was ok. None of them ever seemed to judge or mistrust him, especially Rose, despite having every reason to. She always placed a mug in his hands whenever he came back home, always had something strange yet somehow interesting to say. But as welcoming as she was, she reminded him of the reality of the situation: this perfect life would eventually be back to its true owner. Soon, Rey would see her friends again. And soon, Ben would lose all of this, without any of them even noticing his absence.
If everything went according to plan, Ben would be back in Brooklyn in just a few hours.
"So… big night, tonight," he breathed out when Rey picked up her phone.
What had begun as daily reports had quickly become hours-long conversations they religiously committed to every night. The time difference wasn't in Ben's favor, and had soon made him sleep-deprived enough that a hint of dark circles had begun to appear under his eyes. He felt guilty every time his eyes caught sight of it in a mirror, always made a mental note to ask Rose for some mystical solution to fix this. It was Rey's body, after all, and he'd promised to take care of it; but the appeasing effect she had on him was just too good to resist. Hearing his own voice had become usual enough for him not to flinch whenever Rey picked up. It'd become usual enough for him not to notice and, lately, even smile at that very Rey thing that currently made it more hers than his.
Their conversations had become more natural and intimate. Rey never missed an opportunity to complain about his job, or Snoke, but Ben couldn't really blame her: the job was boring, and Snoke… well, he could understand. So he always let her rant, patiently waited for the frustration to be let out. The only time she didn't was the day he found out what having periods felt like, and he'd rather hear her complain for hours than experience it ever again. Tonight, though, not a single insult left her mouth as they began their traditional phone call.
She was excited to get it over with; he could tell by how absent she sounded as she let out a pensive hum. She'd expressed how much she missed her life, how lonely she felt in his; and as much as Ben tried, he knew none of his promises would ever be enough to fill the emptiness she felt. He knew it because, as much as these little tricks they'd developed had helped him go through the most lonely nights, they wouldn't be of any help when his time came to feel the emptiness again. She would forget about him. She would get back to her happy, easy life and leave him behind, because why would she need him when everything she needed was here?
He didn't want this to end. He really, really didn't want to go back, but he had to- for her. So he cleared his throat and put on the casual mask as he spoke again, doing his best not to let his worries show through his words.
"So, what's the first thing you'll do when you get your body back?"
A giggle echoed in Ben's ear, warming his heart in the most aching yet delightful way. "I think we'll both do the same thing," Rey replied with another laugh.
He couldn't help noticing the absence of frustration in her voice, tonight. And even though he loved hearing her like this, Ben also noticed how his own enthusiasm was forced as he let out a chuckle. He would miss that- her laugh in his ear before falling asleep and her soothing words whenever everything felt like a blur. He would miss her surprising, clever ideas- hell, he would even miss her weirdest requests such as hugging himself for her. He hoped she'd miss him, sometimes.
"We will?"
"Ben, come on- don't tell me you don't miss it."
"Miss what?"
A silence fell between them as Ben began to understand what she was talking about. The worries he'd carried all day suddenly disappeared. A second passed, then two, before Rey spoke again, hesitant and somewhat curious. "You mean you didn't…?"
A warm sensation washed over Ben at her words, accompanied by a hint of guilt. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it- each showering was torture- but every time his mind went there, his body froze. He just couldn't, didn't know where to start. Whenever his hands grazed too close to his thighs, a shame he thought he'd gotten rid of seized him all over again. This felt like something he couldn't do; this was way too intimidating, way too… unknown, even for someone who'd inserted tampons there just a week ago.
"Well, we never talked about…um…"
The rest of the words died on his lips as a heavy silence fell between them.
"Oh." Another silence followed, this time shorter. "Yeah, we… never talked about it."
She sounded like she wanted to add something for a moment, but fell silent again. Luckily, Ben knew his own voice, and was beginning to know hers, too. His eyes went wide as he noticed the embarrassment in her voice, but a chuckle left him when he recognized a hint of guilt mixed in with it.
"Rey? Did you…?"
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled. "Oh my god I'm sorry, I assumed-"
A nervous giggle followed her apology, accompanied by a horrified gasp that made Ben smile incredulously. His own worries about the thoughts he'd had suddenly felt ridiculous, and he let out a laugh as he sat on the bed. "It's ok," he assured, "it's me who didn't… dare."
"Well, do you… want to?"
The question left Rey in a murmur, hesitant and so unreal that Ben wondered for a moment if he'd imagined it. Because of course he wanted to; he'd be lying to himself if he said he hadn't wondered how touching this body felt. He'd had sex with women before, but experiencing it as one… this was something he wouldn't be able to live ever again, and the fact that this was Rey… It was just a bonus. A beautiful, fascinating bonus.
"Ben?"
Yes. "I… I don't know." Yes. "Do you mind?"
"Of course not. It's probably our last night," she reminded him. "I would do it."
Something in the way she said it made him wonder if she felt it, too. The anticipation, the fear of this full moon plan not working and the fear that it could. He wondered if going back to normal was as scary for her as it was for him; but mostly, he wondered if, like him, she already mourned their daily calls. He wondered if she'd call him again, from time to time. When the fears started to flood his heart again and pull at his throat, Ben put them aside and focused on their current conversation- the one he was trying hard not to think too much about. Once. His eyes drifted to the shorts he'd put on after his shower, then on the hand that wasn't holding the phone. Just once.
"What if I'm bad at it?"
"Then I'll teach you."
Her murmur hit Ben right in the chest, spreading through his body at an alarming pace. This wasn't like teaching him to put on a bra or telling him about period protections- this was a whole other level of intimacy that, despite their open-hearted conversations, they hadn't reached yet. It felt like a point of no-return- but hell, switching back was a point of no-return too. He might never talk to her again. He might never see her again.
Might never touch her at all.
"Ok. What… what do I do?"
The seconds that preceded Rey's answer felt like hours. His heart was beating at an insane rhythm, anticipating her next words like a matter of life or death. "Switch off the lights," she finally instructed, "and take a breath. What are you wearing?"
His hand fumbled with the switch behind him. "A… T-shirt," he replied as he plunged the room into darkness. "And pajama shorts."
"No underwear?"
"Yes, underwear."
"Ben, relax."
Ben. She rarely said his name, but it always left him surprised and frustrated at the same time. There was a softness in the way it rolled off her tongue, a kindness that made him want to hear it again and again. For the first time today, switching back felt like a wonderful idea if it meant he got to hear her say it with her actual voice. The accent would kill him, for sure.
"Ok. Ok." A shuddered breath left him as he carefully laid down on the bed until his head sunk into the pillow. "Where do I start?"
"Touch your breast."
The heat he'd felt spreading through his body suddenly rushed to his face at her words. If he wanted to stop without crossing the point of no-return, this would be the moment. But again, Ben didn't feel like stopping- if this was to be the last time they spoke to each other, he'd rather not waste it. Still, something in him reminded him that maybe she didn't want it. Maybe she was taking pity on him. "You're sure? I mean, it's yours-"
"Ben, touch the fucking boob. I'm completely ok with this."
The blush on his face only increased, so much he wondered if anyone would be able to notice despite the ambient darkness. She managed to make the most basic words hot. She managed to make his voice hot.
Hesitant, Ben placed his free hand on the left breast, the T-shirt protecting both of them. "Done."
"Don't just touch it, you want to… feel it." A ruffling echoed through the device, then she spoke again. "Alright, drop the top."
He obeyed immediately, wiggling his way out of the large T-shirt he'd found in her top drawer. A breeze of fresh air tickled his skin as the fabric met the floor in a muffled sound, making him feel automatically self-conscious about what he was about to do. "Done," he repeated, his heartbeat slightly more rhythmed.
"Now do it again, and tell me how it feels."
His hand fell back on her breast; and this time, new sensations came to him. He'd felt her skin with every shower, but had never taken the time and liberty to properly appreciate it. This was far from the thick skin of her thighs or her calloused hands: it was thin, delicate and hypnotizing. The strong, confident Rey he'd gotten to know suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable. He felt vulnerable. Slowly, his fingers gave a slight squeeze then grazed the goosebumps emerging on his skin.
"Soft," he said in a murmur. "Tickling."
His thumb grazed over the nipple, then glided along the skin until his palm reached the other breast and covered it. What first felt intimidating became gradually easier, until it felt comforting. When his movements weren't hesitant anymore, Ben opened his mouth again to ask for the next steps, hoping his voice was still as confident as he wanted it to be.
"Move to your hips," Rey instructed. "Slowly."
The familiar sound of raindrops landing on the window began to echo, wrapping him with a feeling of intimacy he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before. This wasn't even as awkward as he'd imagined; Rey was just guiding him through something she knew. She was just teaching him something about her own body- this wasn't at all like having sex. This wasn't more awkward than teaching him how to use a tampon- she'd been on the phone, too, and it hadn't been sexual at all.
Nothing sexual, really.
A new wave of goosebumps emerged on his skin as his hand trailed down his torso to his hips. Rey's hips, he reminded himself. Rey's hand. His eyes closed as he focused on the sensation of her fingers on his stomach. She would feel way smaller on his actual body, would be so easy to envelop with just one of his arms.
"You there yet?"
"Almost." The word left him through gritted teeth, followed by a sigh when he reached his hips like she'd told him. "Yes."
"Good. Try… getting comfortable with the area."
"Getting- what?"
A chuckle echoed through the device, increasing the heat on his face. "Just… oh, my God. Touch your abdomen, your thighs, your… whatever's around. Be gentle and make it last until you naturally want to touch it."
It. There was some discretion in the way she avoided this specific word, which only made Ben a little more confident. "Is that how you do it?"
A silence followed his question, making him wonder if he'd gone too far. He almost withdrew his hand when Rey spoke again, the hint of a smile in her tone as she murmured, "maybe."
God, this accent- she was going to kill him when he finally heard her real voice. The sheer thought sent a wave of something through him- something he couldn't quite recognize but felt like he knew. Her answer only brought new questions to him as he followed her instructions and started caressing the skin above his underwear. Was pleasure dictated by the body, or the soul inhabiting it? Would he like the same things she did? Would she like what he did? His hand moved to the inside of his thighs, grazing the side of the cotton fabric. Had she done it a lot? Had she liked it? He had a feeling the technique was way easier on his side- or hers, right now. All she'd had to do was a back-and-forth movement and find her rhythm between the grip and the pace- nothing too complicated. What he had to do, though, seemed way more intricate; but he kept grazing the skin, drawing closer to the apex of his thighs with each movement. Soon enough, his finger found the beginning of the soft thatch of hair he'd grown familiar with after so many showers- and when they did, something in him seemed to wake up, urging him to draw closer.
This had to be a good sign. Still careful in his gestures, Ben used the tip on the nails to graze a little closer, up and down his thigh, until the sensation came back. Yes, this had to be the way. The itch between his legs became stronger, begging him for attention- and, as intimidating as it was, Ben indulged it.
A soft gasp left him as he spread his palm over his core, his fingers barely grazing the itchy fabric.
"I'm there," he murmured into the phone.
Something that sounded like a chuckle echoed through the device, followed by Rey's amused tone. "Now try rubbing little circles around, and focus on where it feels good."
Ben gave a useless nod and did as he was told. The motion quickly became easier as he moved naturally to where his instincts told him to. After a few seconds of rubbing, a faint tickling sensation appeared under his fingers, only to vanish almost immediately. "I- sort of felt something."
"Sort of?"
"A tickle, but- I'm not sure. Might just be the fabric, it's kind of itchy."
"The fabric?"
His fingers stopped moving at the surprise in her voice. He was pretty sure he'd mentioned his current outfit. "Yeah, that yellow thing," he said with a brief glance at the underwear he'd picked earlier. "The fabric's rather thick."
"What the- Ben, take off the pants."
"I'm not wearing any-"
"Oh for fuck's sake, the panties! Take them off!"
She let out a long giggle at her own words, causing Ben to mirror her as quietly as he could. This had to be the most ridiculous and hilarious masturbation session he'd ever had. Shaking with laughter, he gripped the edges of what little clothes he still had on and stopped himself. "What if someone walks in?"
Rey seemed to think for a moment, leaving him with a short silence before answering. "Just slip your hand down there," she said with another giggle. "Pick up where you left off."
A wave of shivers emerged on his skin as Ben trailed his hand up to his stomach then down the underwear. He didn't realize how cold his fingers were until they passed the loosened elastic- the skin beneath was warm, if not boiling. A new eruption of goosebumps followed as his fingers wandered further, further, until the skin began to feel thinner, softer, and way more similar to what he knew. His index went down a few inches, curiously exploring the folds he'd always tried not to stare at. He didn't have many memories of the few hookups he'd had: some meaningless make-out sessions that usually ended up with a few minutes of messy thrusts. None of them had ever felt good enough for him to try again, but this- this felt like it could be better than anything he'd ever done with those strangers. It made him want to maybe give it another try, once he found someone worth it.
"Found your clit?" Rey asked as he began rubbing circles again.
"How do I kno- oh-"
The hand holding the phone squeezed around its shape as the tickling sensation came back, stronger and closer. It did feel better than what little sex he'd had- and if this was only the beginning, he couldn't begin to imagine the hidden part of the iceberg. Another one of these little laughs left Rey; one of those that made him forget he was listening to his own voice.
"Sounds like you found it."
Delicately, Ben repeated the motion, only to feel the tickles increase in his abdomen. "Yeah," he confirmed in a breath, "I think I did."
"Then keep going."
She said it in such a low voice it took Ben a minute to focus back on his original task. She didn't seem like she was planning to hang up, and truth be told, he didn't mind keeping her close. If this really was their last night, he didn't want to lose a single second of her presence- and if her words had a positive effect on him, well, this was only part of her helping him.
The tickles progressively spread, soon reaching his stomach and thighs. His body felt infinitely warmer, and his hand- God, how he wished he had his actual hands. Rey's were nimble, but his would cover so much more at once. The thought of it made him shudder as he now pictured himself in his own body, doing the exact same thing to the real Rey. He wouldn't be as delicate, but his hands would easily cup her entirely, and hers- hers would feel just perfect around his cock.
A strangled moan left him at this idea.
"Don't go too fast," Rey said as another wave of pleasure threatened to burn him from the inside. "Make it last."
His hand slowed down, but his chest didn't stop heaving. With each deep breath, another part of him awakened. His back felt more relaxed, his legs lighter than they'd ever been as he kept stimulating the most sensitive skin burning under his touch. With every stroke, his fingers went a little lower, until he felt their tips getting wet as they brushed the entrance. Something in him seemed to clench, but he didn't stop; his strokes became faster, and his breath a little shorter.
"I'm- it's wet," he breathed out
"Try a finger or two."
She sounded just as breathless as he was, but Ben remained focused on her words. One finger seemed doable, but two- most Pringles cups didn't allow him to go fish for the deepest chips. It took him a second to remember this wasn't his hand, and another to realize that given the circumstances, two could fit. Chuckling at his idiocy, he extended his arm a little more and let his middle finger glide along the entrance and slowly pushed it inside, following the natural curve of Rey's body. His hips followed, rolling a little as to adjust themselves to the intrusion until the third knuckle disappeared inside, accompanied with a satisfying sensation.
"This is-"
"I know. Don't stop."
Her tone was more authoritative, less patient. Hadn't she kept her accent, it could've sounded like his actual voice- still, Ben obeyed and pumped his finger in and out as his thumb picked up with the small circles he'd begun to trace around the clit. It took a minute for him to find his rhythm- but once he did, the pleasure waves started to kick again, bigger and longer.
He wished she could feel the way he felt right now. He wished he could hear the way his name sounded in her voice, with her accent. But mostly, he wished he could be the one to make her feel like that. Just when he thought about asking her to speak again, a spasm shook his legs, starting from his abdomen and running through his entire body at an alarming pace.
"I think I'm close," he murmured between gritted teeth.
"Then come," Rey replied with an equally breathless voice.
The spasms doubled, faster, until he could feel the familiar fireworks building up inside of him. His hips rolled above the mattress as his fingers kept their rhythm, swift and messy as he felt the promise of release approaching. His back arched as he felt his toes curling, his fingers guided with Rey's whispered encouragements- and in just a few seconds, he came with a series of gasps and her name on his lips.
It was different from the orgasms he knew and yet similar in a way. The sensation of relief was there, along with the euphoria and intense fatigue. A familiar sense of inevitability seized him as he slowed his movements, allowing his body to revel through the electroshocks sent all over it. Of course, nothing in him felt empty- not at all. If anything, he felt full, his inside clenching more than ever around the finger he still hadn't withdrawn completely. Everything in him seemed to vibrate with intensity for a few seconds and then stopped suddenly.
The room became quiet again as he regained control of his breathing, his body slowly getting cold and heavy.
"I can see why you miss it," he murmured once he trusted his voice again.
Rey's chuckle echoed again, filling him with regrets as he remembered the deadline hanging above them both. As much as he liked to hear Rey's accent mingling with his voice, he couldn't help smiling every time she laughed. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laugh that much. It had to be since childhood, or his early teenage years- he didn't even know how his body had remembered it. The happy part of him had been asleep for so long- he wasn't sure how to reawaken it by himself once he got back under his true skin. Rey seemed to be doing a much better job than him at it; he wasn't even sure he would know how to fall asleep without her complaining to him every night.
"I'll miss you," he blurted out when she stopped laughing.
She seemed taken aback for a second, then replied softly, "I'll miss you too."
There was a hint of a smile in her tone, sweet and sincere. "I don't want to miss you."
"You won't. I'm not done with you."
His whole chest fell under the weight of his fears vanishing. This felt like a promise, and Rey had said she never made careless promises. With his chest still bare and sweating, Ben sat on the bed with his hand crushing the phone against his ear. The movement induced a slight breeze that grazed his nipples like a cold caress as various thoughts started to bloom in his mind. Thoughts about calling her the day after, and the following ones. Thoughts about taking some days off for a London visit. Thoughts about walking next to her across the park he liked to go to for a run. Thoughts about holding her hand, maybe- with his, this time.
"We could… maybe-"
"I could visit you, someday. Next week?"
Once again, she beat him to it. "You could," he approved with a hasty nod. "That would be great."
"It would."
Another one of those comfortable pauses fell between them that painted a smile on Ben's lips. He still wasn't ready to leave Finn, Poe and Rose, but this promise was at least making it easier to process. He would miss London and this calm life- he would even miss Rose's infusions, as hard as it was to admit it. Just as hard as it was to admit how easily he could see himself staying here.
"We should sleep," he said finally. "Big day tomorrow."
"Yeah. Moving day."
A nervous chuckle left them both, mingling their voices into a sound that pricked him right in the chest. God, it sounded good- they sounded good. He deepened his laugh a few more seconds to hear it a little more, saving it somewhere in his mind. "Good night."
A long yawn echoed as a response, followed with a 'good night' as he felt his eyes closing under the fatigue pulling him back on the bed. "See you on the other side."
Waking up felt as tedious as every other morning: the sun piercing through the light curtains hit Ben right in the eyes, making him groan and turn only to bump his face into the nearest wall. The pain spread through his head as he raised a hand to massage his nose, groaning a little more with frustration. What a way to come back. The pain disappeared after a moment, but his hand remained on his face, feeling around his features. His face was still soft, his forehead covered with hair glued to his skin, his nose- his fingers stopped at the bridge of it.
This wasn't his nose.
His brain woke up faster than ever, following his body closely as he sat up between the blankets. His bed wasn't placed next to a wall, and his curtains were thick enough to not let any shred of light wake him up before his alarm. With a fast-beating heart, Ben ran a hand through his hair –longer than it should be- and groped around him in search of Rey's phone. He'd probably woken up early- according to Rose, the full moon was supposed to last until two A.M. His chest tightened as he turned the screen to his face, anticipating the time it would display.
Seven.
A dizzying sense of guilt began to seize Ben as he searched for full moon times and days online. This had to be his fault- Rose had talked about intentions and wishes, and he hadn't truly wished for a swap back for a single moment. This was going to break Rey's heart, and his along with it.
Trembling, Ben grabbed the phone and burst out of the room, heading to Rose's as he frantically composed his own number on the tiny keyboard. His other hand knocked on the door continuously until a disheveled Rose opened, her sleepy eyes widening at the sight of him. "Rey?"
"Ben," he replied with a shake of his head. "I'm still here, it didn't-"
"Ben?"
Something tightened in his chest as the sound of Rey's voice- or rather his voice- and how sleepy she seemed. He'd probably woken her up, and with some bad news at that. "Rey, I- I'm still here."
He must've said it louder than he ought to- because next thing he knew, Rose was grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into her room where she locked the door, and took Rey's phone from his hand to put her on speaker.
"Rey, it's Rose- I'm here. It's gonna be ok."
It took them a few minutes to get Rey to a stage of descent awakening, and a few more to reassure her. While she didn't seem too terrified by Rose's theories, Ben knew how, in addition to the panic and frustration she must be feeling, some sort of guilt was also seizing her. As much as she wanted to come back, her friend didn't know about her first wish- and as much as Ben wanted to help, he'd promised not to tell anything. So he remained silent as Rose kept talking, sometimes to them and others to herself, her heavy notebook on her lap.
"Alright, plan B." The sun was just starting to rise at her window, creating a halo around her figure as she stood up to face Ben. "I stand by my full moon theory, so I'm afraid we're going to need to wait another month," she explained with a wince at the phone. "But I want you to be together for that."
The question left them both as one voice. "Together?"
"Together," Rose confirmed with a nod. "I'll give you some herbs and crystals to focus all energies around you two, but a physical proximity would probably help."
A few other details followed her explanation, most about the type of crystals she intended to give them, but none of them got to Ben's ears. His brain was focused on that one word- together- and everything it meant.