I don't think I've ever gone a whole day sore before. OK, well maybe sore from running or from battle, but not this kind of sore - the deep and really wonderful sort that sends images of last night running through my mind almost every time I move.

All. Damn. Day.

Of course, I've also never had a man pick me up and take me so roughly. Or use his mouth with quite so much talent or enthusiasm. A shudder runs down my spine, and I force the thoughts away, trying my best to focus on Liara's words.

The Asari professor is actually really interesting, and she's clearly torn up over her mom being on the side of a madman. I've agreed to let her join us on Noveria tomorrow; if anyone should get to face Benezia, it's her. I'm also holding onto just a sliver of hope that her daughter might be able to get her Matriarch mother back out of Saren's service, and then we have a significant ally.

"Anyway, I should probably try to get some rest before dinner. Thanks for talking with me, Shepard."

"Anytime, Liara." I feel a little guilty for being grateful she's done talking, but the girl can be a little long-winded.

Girl. She's almost twice my age but still a baby by Asari standards. She is most definitely not a soldier, though, and that makes me feel like she's young, even naive.

I might not be this grateful that the conversation is over if Liara wasn't my last stop on rounds today. Well, second to last. Garrus always last, simply because of logistics. We spend hours talking about whatever comes to mind, and I'd feel bad missing whoever was supposed to get in with me after. I've also pulled all my rounds a little early today, before dinner, ostensibly because I didn't do them last night while marathoning but really because I'm hoping for more alone time tonight.

It'll be nice to just wind down with him too since everyone else today has been teasing me or whining at me...or both. Tali, Wrex, and Joker are suspicious about something going on with Garrus and me, but they aren't being assholes. It just unnerves me a little to think the crew might know, might be talking about this. That is not what I wanted from this...even if I want Garrus so much it hurts sometimes.

Liara was just whining in general - that I can handle. Ashley and Kaidan made me want to slam my head against the wall. Ashley wanted to plead her case about getting all the aliens off the ship. Kaidan especially can't seem to understand why I'd choose to spend my nights not just with Garrus but, in general, with someone who isn't Kaidan.

The day was spent fantastically sore inside and confused on the outside, lying about my attraction to and interest in probably the best person I've ever known. Definitely the best friend I've ever had.

As the elevator descends toward the Cargo Bay, where I know I'll find the Turian, that confusion comes back on strong. Almost as strong as last night when I almost asked him to spend the night with me.

Obviously, I'm confusing great sex and a solid friendship with something more, but it's not a weakness I can afford. Especially not with a member of my crew.

The elevator doors open, and I find the bay empty, save for the sound of music I recognize as Turian rock and two long legs sticking out from under the Mako. It makes me smile when I realize Garrus is tapping his two-toed feet along with the beat of the music. I wonder if he can sing, and considering how much I enjoy the sound of his voice, I kind of want to hear it.

"People are going to start thinking you're a good Turian if you don't quit this work ethic thing," I tease him. "Have you even come up for air today?"

I hear him laugh and then he grips the edge of the tank with one hand, pulling to wheel himself out until he's smiling up at me from the floor. "You should talk to my Commander," he quips. "She demanded the Mako be ready for our mission tomorrow."

"My hero."

Garrus chuckles and pulls himself to his feet, still smiling. For a moment, I think he'll approach and kiss me, at least touch me, but he goes for a towel to clean his hands off instead.

Why am I so disappointed that he didn't publicly kiss me?

"What brings you down into the slums? It's a little early for rounds."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Think you know my schedule, do you?" He raises his brow plates, waiting, and I laugh. "Yeah, OK, it's early for rounds. Maybe I'm hoping to be busy after dinner."

"Really? Because I'm planning on being free after dinner."

Our gazes lock for a moment, and the understanding is there in the heat behind his impossibly blue eyes. I feel a little more settled when I know we've agreed, planned to be together again tonight.

"How was your day?"

The question always comes, and it always brings relief. He's the only person on the ship who asks me that. Actually, he might be the only person in my adult life who has regularly asked me that and then listened to the answer. Garrus lets me vent about the Council and whatever mission Admiral Hackett and the N7 squad decide to throw my way, lets me complain about the crew, lets me get everything off my chest. And he actually cares about what I have to say.

It sets him apart from the rest of the crew, what makes him my friend and not just teammates.

It's what makes me…

"Hello? Normandy to Shepard...you still with me?"

I startle when I snap back to reality and find Garrus waving his hand in my face. Apparently, I'd gotten lost in my thoughts for so long it worried him.

"Sorry, sorry. Lost in thought."

I give him a rundown of the day, including a brief on the fact that most of the crew suspects we're sleeping together. Garrus just laughs it off, which helps me to relax about it a little. "I'm also pretty sure Liara was making a pass at me at some point when I made a mistake and asked about Asari culture."

Garrus chuckles at that. "You realize she's probably confused because you joined with her, right?" My blank stare makes him laugh harder even though he rubs the back of his head - something I've learned he does when he's uncomfortable. "Shepard, the joining is extremely intimate. It's effectively sex. In fact, it's well known that most Asari don't like actual sex, and they only join with their partners."

Halfway through the sentence, my mouth has popped open and can't seem to manage closing it again. "Are you telling me that I...I basically had sex with Liara in front of the whole crew?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I picture something much different." I reach out and smack his chest playfully for that, even though I'm glad he's broken the tension. Garrus catches my hand before it falls, and my heart thumps when I think he's going to pull me in for a kiss.

Right here, in a public part of the ship, I want him to so badly I can already feel the soft leather of his lips in my mind. It's a problem I'm disappointed when he smiles softly and then drops my hand.

I shake my head to snap myself out of it and lean against one of the toolboxes for a little distance. "So, are you really this passionate about mechanics, or what?"

He laughs. "I honestly do enjoy it - engineering, mechanics, that kind of thing." He jerks one shoulder in a Turian-style shrug. "I might also be avoiding my father and didn't want 'I'm busy' to be a total lie."

"Uh oh. Family drama?"

"Not so much drama as more of the same old crap." Garrus doesn't usually grumble about anything, so his bitter tone concerns me.

I move to a wheeled stool and take a seat, cross my legs, and lean my chin on my elbow. His smile tells me that he knows I mean it to show I'm listening, I'm invested.

"My father's greatest disappointment in his life is that his youngest son is almost thirty and not married. He tries to remedy that every chance he gets."

"First of all, I didn't know that Turians got married, too," I admit, always surprised at how much our cultures have in common. "And also, how could he remedy it? You kind of have to be involved in that process, don't you?"

Garrus sighs and walks around to the front of the Mako, popping open the hood. I would need to stand on his stool to see into the engine, but Garrus can lean in and reach whatever he needs. "Turians live in a meritocracy. For better or worse, that means your actions and choices reflect on and impact your family and loved ones. And vice versa."

"Ah, so who you marry is an even bigger decision that in other cultures." I can see how that would be both positive and negative.

"Honestly, it means that our marriages are often little more than contracts - arrangements between two well-respected families," he explains. "And my father has a nasty habit of springing potential contracts on me."

"Contracted marriages. So do Turians not…" I can't explain why my throat gets thick, but I have to clear it to finish the question. "fall in love?"

Garrus lifts his head to meet my eyes. "We fall in love. Marriages are usually contracts, but sometimes they involve what we call bonding. That...that one he can't force on me." Intense eyes fall away from mine. "Bonding is like falling in love, but next level and a Turian can only bond once in their lifetime. Castius Vakarian sees it as a weakness, a chance to throw away my future."

"Does that mean his marriage to your mother was arranged?" Right after the extremely personal question comes out, I balk at myself. "God, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer all my questions."

"No, it's OK. I like talking to you." He says it so casually, without even looking up. Like it's not special. "My parent's marriage was arranged, but they got lucky and later bonded. That happens sometimes; actually happened to my oldest brother, too."

"I see. So your dad is calling with another potential candidate for Mrs. Garrus Vakarian." He laughs at that, making me smile. "And you're avoiding it because...you don't want to get married?"

Garrus straightens up quickly and shakes his head, appearing almost awkward for a split second if that's possible for him. "No, uh...that's not it at all. I do want it, I want to be married and have a family, the whole thing. I just don't want it for the wrong reasons - like because I'm almost thirty or because her father is high ranking."

"Hmm. I gotta say, it's hard to imagine the badass Turian playboy and sniper settling down."

"I said nothing about settling down. And that, Elle Shepard, is why the right woman is so important." He throws me a wink and adds, "She has to be able to keep up."

I roll my eyes dramatically at him, even as we laugh. I hate that he can make me blush, but at least he hasn't called me out on it.

"Anyway. What about you?"

"What about me?"

He smirks and comes back around to the side of the Mako closest to me, leaning against the tank. "What about you...all of it. Humans marry, so what about your parents?"

"No." The word may be small, but I blurt it out so hard and fast that Garrus startles a little. "I mean…" I force a laugh. "You can learn all that from my public record."

He blinks at me, hands freezing, and asks, "Are you serious?" I frown at him, and this time, Garrus is the one who forces a laugh. "Shepard, I don't want your dossier. I want to get to know you."

"You do know me. Better than...most." I almost tell him that I feel like he knows me better than anyone else - he certainly gets me better than anyone else - but that just makes me feel too open. Much like this line of questioning. "I don't have a family."

"OK, fine. Do you want a family someday? Marriage, kids, all that?"

I know why he's asking. It's perfectly reasonable that he should ask these questions now since I just drilled him for personal information. That doesn't mean I have to bare my soul to the guy.

I laugh again and shake my head. "What's that matter? I'm gonna be busy for a while anyway, first human Spectre and all."

I'm trying to infuse some humor back into the situation, but it would be impossible to miss that Garrus isn't amused. He looks almost...hurt. I hate being the reason he looks like that.

I take a deep breath and uncross my legs, grounding myself. "Look, I...I'm just not really someone who shares personal things with my crew."

Garrus' mandibles flare, and I immediately know where I went wrong, guilt sinking into my gut. I start to speak, but he cuts me off. "No, don't. It's fine - you're absolutely right. This conversation isn't appropriate with my commanding officer, and I apologize."

"Garrus, come on. You know I didn't mean it like that. I like hearing about you, your life," I assure him genuinely. It means a lot that he opens up to me.

Probably as much as it would mean to him if I did.

"Shepard." He sighs heavily. "I don't know how it works for humans, but my friendships go in both directions. I refuse to be the idiot who thinks we have something if we don't. If all you want is to fuck me and have me shoot geth on command, say so, and we can make that happen."

"That is not fair!"

I want to tell him off at least a little, but I stop when the intercom chimes with a sound to tell us that dinner is being served in Mess Hall. I don't move from the chair, feeling like it would hurt physically to leave the conversation like this.

Garrus exhales harshly and runs a hand back over his fringe, signaling that he's uncomfortable again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have - "

"No, damn it. You're right, and you are my friend," I assure him. "I'm just...I'm not honestly all that used to having friends." He doesn't respond or look at me, and I know it's time to be a goddamn adult, intimacy issues or not. "I haven't ever really given any thought to whether I want...marriage, kids, all that stuff. It's always seemed...impossible."

Garrus looks surprised for a beat, and then a soft, sweet smile I haven't seen before almost takes my breath away. He steps closer and reaches out, tucking a hair behind my ear and tugging the lobe gently before letting his hand fall away.

It's just a small gesture, but every time he does it, I feel cherished.

"Thank you," he breathes, voice soft. "I promise not to use your secrets against you except in bed."

The tension I'd been feeling snaps, and I laugh easily, shoving him away from me. I'm grateful that he's gotten us back to normal so quickly, but the mention of bed takes my mind to all kinds of dark places. "Speaking of secrets in bed...you mentioned something about punishment last night."

Garrus' smile goes from sweet to damn dangerous in a flash. "I knew you'd still be thinking about that."

I immediately regret bringing it up while we're not in private, my throat going dry just from the look on his face. I'm saved from having to talk about all the ways I've pictured Garrus punishing me since last night - all the hot, fantastic ways - when we hear the doors from Engineering open.

"Hey, guys!" Tali chirps, bounding in and heading for the elevator. "Are you coming up?" We agree and join her in the waiting elevator.

He seems normal again in the elevator, joking with Tali as we head up to Mess Hall, where the rest of the crew is already dining. Garrus leans casually against the other side of the elevator, his long legs extended, and his arms crossed over his chest. Damn. He's gorgeous.

I feel weird about divulging any of myself, about exposing something personal when it feels like that crosses the lines we set. I also don't feel like Garrus was trying to cross lines or change our relationship. He's been such a great friend to me, and I get his point; friends share with each other - it's not one way.

It's hard enough getting used to having someone care about the menial points of my day. I don't know how to react to someone I'm sleeping with wanting to get to know me on a deeper level, for purposes other than sex.

I shake off the thoughts for now as we get to Mess Hall. Grabbing a tray, I end up beside Kaidan at the table, with Liara on my other side and Garrus a little further down the table.

"Are you actually reading that trash?" Joker asks Ashley, pulling a datapad from her hands. He makes a face and then clears his throat, putting on a deep and dramatic voice when he reads, "His manhood throbbed in her hands, and she yearned to pleasure him."

"Oh, Ash, that is a big step down from Walden and Thoreau," I tease her as the human snatches back her erotica indignantly.

"Hey! We all need a little...release every now and then. This is my guilty pleasure." She scowls at both Joker and me when she adds, "And it's not trash!"

"His manhood?" Tali repeats, the phrase sounding even worse from the innocent young Quarian. "Is that really what humans call a…"

She flounders on the word, and Garrus laughs at her. "I don't like manhood, but it's better than apparently not having a word for it at all, Tali." I can't help but laugh with him, and Garrus glances up, catching my gaze with a smile. He looks more at ease now, and it gives me hope that we're better.

"Those books are all the same," Joker grumbles. "Tall, dark, and handsome, yadda yadda yadda."

Kaidan straightens up a little and asks, "What's wrong with tall, dark, and handsome?"

I turn in my seat to look him over playfully before I respond, "Not a damn thing."

It has the desired effect, and Kaidan turns bright red. I laugh with everyone else and pat his shoulder; he's a little too serious for my liking, so I take whatever opportunity I can get to make him loosen up a little. Even his flirting is relatively stiff...unlike the charming Turian who also happens to be tall, dark, and handsome.

My laughter dies the moment I glance back toward Garrus. He doesn't look at ease any longer, poking around at his meal with his mandibles pulled tight to his face. I don't realize that Tali is speaking softly to him until she rests his hand over his forearm.

I can't explain why I want to smack her hand away so badly, but I pull my eyes away instead. It's none of my business if they're friends.

I made what we're not going to be clear to Garrus, I even told him that he could sleep with other people if he told me about it. I can't go and get weird about it now. I have no right getting nauseous at even the thought of him with another woman.

I hate feeling confused, especially about something that was supposed to be fun and casual. It's been amazing so far, and I was genuine last night when I said I wanted to make our secret arrangement a more regular thing. Maybe it's because we went so long without that last night felt so intense and everything today feels a little more...real.

"Shepard?" I start when I realize that Kaidan has said my name at least twice now. "You OK?"

"Yeah, sorry, just...thinking." I shake my head and try to pay attention to soft brown eyes, a strong jaw. It shouldn't be so hard to listen to him.

"Who are you taking to Noveria tomorrow?" Ashley interjects. I don't think it's what Kaidan wanted to say since he seems surprised by her interruption.

I almost roll my eyes at the question, at her impassioned tone about it. I know she wants the answer to be her, but I'm not going to change the plans I've already made for her to feel better. Ashley is a hothead and a xenophobe - not the kind of person I need on an alien planet and facing down an Asari Matriarch. "Liara and Garrus."

"Liara?" Kaidan repeats. He falters when my eyes snap to his. "I just, uh...no offense, Liara. You're not exactly a soldier, that's all."

I open my mouth and very nearly respond for her, but the Asari professor speaks for herself. "I may not be a soldier, Lieutenant Alenko, but I am a capable biotic. And Benezia is my mother."

"Exactly. If anyone deserves to face her, it's Liara," I chime in, nodding at her to ensure she knows I mean that before turning back to Kaidan and Ashley. "And I don't think you need me to explain why I'm bringing Garrus."

Neither of them dares to respond to that. They can be smart when they want to.

Quickly, everyone dissolves back into their previous conversations, but Kaidan nudges my arm for attention. "That's not actually what I wanted to ask you," he says softly. "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight. Maybe watch a movie?" The request surprises me, and I can tell he notices, but he persists. "I just thought we could spend some time together...alone."

I can hear what he's saying, and I've heard it from him before. Given a chance, Kaidan would warm my bed. Its flattering and sweet. If he weren't serving under me, if we were in a different scenario, I might even consider it. He's a good soldier, a good man, attractive...and not at all the man I want.

"It's really nice of you to think of me, Kaidan, and maybe another night. We're just still in the middle of the Blasto marathon." I don't say Garrus' name; he already knows who I'll be with tonight instead of him, even if he doesn't know the details. I'm not out to hurt Kaidan.

His brown eyes harden just a little. "You know...people are talking. You spend a lot of time with him, and now it's alone."

"I spend a lot of time with Tali, too. Do they talk about that? Garrus spends tons of time with Joker, just the two of them. Are there rumors that the pilot is banging our sniper, Kaidan?"

I hear Joker snort into his drink from across the table, and Ashley jumps when he nearly spits it everywhere, but I ignore them and don't let Kaidan drop my gaze. He backs down almost immediately and shrinks away, no challenge or instinct to dominate in him.

"Sorry, ma'am. I should know better than to listen to scuttlebutt," he mutters, poking at his food aimlessly. "I just...worry about you, that's all."

I take a breath, trying not to be angry while he blushes. "I don't need anyone to worry about me, Kaidan, and certainly not about Garrus. It should be a good thing that I have such a good friend." I leave it singular and choose to leave it there, letting Kaidan decide what to do with it.

"Shepard." I'm saved from anything else by Garrus, now standing on the other side of the table. I smile just because he makes me smile, even if he doesn't return it; I wonder how much of the exchange with Kaidan he heard.

"Ready for more cinematic genius, big guy?" I know we'll both feel better once we're alone again. He has a knack for relieving my stress, and I like to think I can do the same for him. I stand, discard my tray, and lead him again toward my quarters. I hear the doors just behind him and ask, "Do you even remember which movie we were on?"

"Did you remember that I was in the room at dinner?"

The question confuses me, but the bitter tone of his melted chocolate voice surprises me enough to make me turn around. I find him leaning back against the doors, which he's locked; I thought that was for a good reason, but now I'm not sure. His arms are crossed over his chest, and the stance looks casual enough, but there's something in his gaze that feels...dangerous.

He shrugs one shoulder and continues, "Because if you'd prefer someone tall, dark, and handsome in here, I can go."

I laugh and roll my eyes at him. "I'm pretty sure I have someone tall, dark, and handsome in here."

Garrus just shakes his head and pushes off the door but doesn't come any further into the room. Now that he's standing straight, his shoulders seem lower than usual, and I hate it...knowing that he's genuinely hurt and it's my fault.

"It didn't mean anything, Garrus. I was joking around with Kaidan."

"Yeah, I know. The problem is that...it bothered me." He shakes his head, almost to himself, and my stomach sinks when I realize what he's saying. He felt the same way that I did when Tali touched him - a way that neither of us has any business feeling.

Exactly the way we promised not to feel. The Alliance is serious about fraternization. And the last thing I need on a mission like this is to be distracted by...feelings.

"Why does it bother me, Shepard?" he asks. The simple question hangs heavily in the air.

"I...don't know. I wish I did." I sit down on the edge of my desk and cross my arms, trying not to feel so exposed even when I know being honest with him is important. "I think...I'm worried that sex is confusing our friendship. Or confusing because of our friendship. I don't know which."

And I don't know which would be worse.

Garrus crosses the room, moving slowly enough that I could stop him from standing in front of me if I wanted to. I choose to watch him move instead, appreciating all his grace for something so big.

"You know how much I enjoy what we have. But if I have to pick between our friendship and sex, I don't want the sex. I value this, Shepard," he insists, motioning between us, "not that," he adds, motioning instead toward my bed.

Anything that I might have said flies right out of my head, and all I can do is stare at him. I don't think anyone else has ever said that to me before, that they'd rather be my friend than in bed with me.

I swallow hard, forcing myself to find the words. "I want both."

"Me, too. But I also don't want you flirting with Kaidan or sleeping with Liara," he admits, shaking his head. I feel pinned under the gaze of his bright blue eyes. "I don't want to feel like I'm opening up to you, letting you in, while you have me at a distance."

"I don't want Kaidan...or Liara," I add with a scoff that finally makes him smile. "If we're being honest, I didn't expect to get close to you like this. In any way."

"I know." He reaches out and tucks a hair behind my ear, and I lean into the touch when he holds the lobe between his fingers. The look in his eyes has me mesmerized and terrified all at once. "Shepard, if we want both...let's have it."

Cold drops into my gut, and I straighten away from him, my heart thumping hard. I can feel the butterflies trying to come to life, but the ice won't let them. I can't be excited that he wants that, because I can't have that.

Garrus can see the answer on my face before I say anything, and he pulls away, taking a step back from me. "That was stupid," he mutters, forcing a laugh and rubbing the back of his fringe. "Sorry."

I have to swallow to push down the lump in my throat. "Garrus, you understand why I can't, right? It's not…" I sigh, trying to force out some of the frustrating building in me. I hate all of this, hate that we're having this conversation.

I hate the conversation that it means we have to have. I take another deep breath and focus, pulling forward soldier and Spectre me that has a job to do and a ship to run instead of the woman who wants to be thrilled that a guy like Garrus Vakarian wants me.

"I think...maybe this is going in a different direction than I was prepared for. Maybe we need to cool things off a little."

This time both hands run over his fringe, and Garrus turns away from me, something that feels bad and oddly final. My heart thumps, and I want nothing more than to go to him, throw my arms around him. I want him to know how much this and he means to me...but I can't.

I set rules for a reason. I have boundaries for a reason, and Garrus has been changing or challenging those boundaries for me from day one.

I can't let him in more than I have already. Even if it weren't for my career standing in the way, a real relationship with Garrus would change everything. When it fell apart, I'd lost him. I can't...can't risk it.

"OK."

I don't look up at Garrus' soft words. If I look at him, I just might break. There are things I can't say.

"Like I said, I value you and your friendship more than anything else. As long as we can keep being friends, nothing else means anything to me." When he looks up at me, I meet his gaze, force a smile, and nod. He shifts uncomfortably between his feet.

"Did you wanna...stay?" Even before I finish the question, I know he's going to reject me, and I hug myself tighter, trying to keep the pain away.

"I, uh...I actually have some more work to do downstairs. Maybe we should put this off for tonight."

I look away to hide the wince. I knew that this would create distance, but...I didn't expect it to hurt. "Probably smart," I lie. I won't feel bad about that since he's doing the same thing.

"You know where I am if you need me, kid."

I close my eyes at the nickname, at the pain that lances through me. I've loved his little nickname for me since the first time I heard it, it's always made me feel special. Now, it's...almost too much. I know he'll be a couple floors away, I'll see him on the mission tomorrow. He's still here, I haven't lost him.

So when the doors slide shut behind him, leaving me alone, I can't understand why the room feels so empty and even cold. I can't explain the ache that forms hot and heavy in my chest. I feel like I lost my best friend even though I know logically that he's still here, he's right there...so close that I could go and fix all of this.

But I can't fix it without sacrificing all the boundaries I've already set. Those boundaries have kept me safe; they're a big part of the reason that my career has been so successful - because I'm focused on that and that alone. Because I don't get confused by hormones or my heart broken.

The rules I've set are for a reason, and I can't afford the risks that come along with breaking them, especially not with Garrus. If we get distracted from the mission, it's bad. But if a relationship ruins things between us, I could lose something that I think might be really special.

Of course, I'm also actively preventing it from getting special by not letting him get close.

Damn it.

None of this should even matter. He's my subordinate, I'm the Commander of this ship. I'm a Spectre - the first human Spectre, and that puts even more responsibility on me. I have far too much riding on me to risk any of the issues that could, that would come with feeling any of the things that Garrus makes me want to feel.

It's for the best. Even if it hurts.

I'm an idiot for going to Noveria without sleeping. If I had any sense, I'd tell Shepard that I'm exhausted because I spent the whole night pacing the Cargo Bay and trying to rationalize my issues with her. My senses are dulled from the lack of sleep and being tired means my body temperature is already lower than usual, so going to a world that is covered in snow year round is unwise. I know this.

But I also know if I bow out of the mission, Shepard might take Kaidan, and I'm too ridiculously jealous and territorial to let that happen. Especially now.

I want her. I hated spending the night without her, I hate thinking that we might not be friends anymore. I hate more than anything that I asked her to be with me, and she flat out rejected me - a first for me all around.

I hate all the feelings I have for her - the totally inexcusable, unacceptable feelings. She is human. It's bad enough that I'm an almost thirty-year-old Turian and unmarried, as much as I pretend that doesn't bother me. I know the shame it can bring my family. But a relationship with a human could disgrace me, disgrace every Vakarian.

And I am a Vakarian. Garrus Vakarian is at the top of his game, always. I don't get distracted, I definitely don't get heartbroken. Men and women fall for me; it's never the other way around, and I have no reason to change that. It's too big a risk. It's too damn stupid.

So in the morning, instead of stepping out of the mission, I eat before the rest of the crew and then gear up for Port Hanshan on Noveria.

"I can say with almost certainly that Saren is not on this planet," I tell Joker as we approach Noveria, trying to distract myself.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because Turians are cold blooded, and this place is our personal hell." Joker just laughs at me and continuous our approach. Even from here, Noveria looks frozen.

This is not going to be a good day.

"Hey." Shepard's voice charges me immediately, my blood suddenly feeling much hotter. I can't help myself, and I'm a glutton for punishment, so I turn to watch her walking toward us on the bridge.

Damn. I never did get a chance to fuck her while she was wearing her armor.

Bright green eyes meet mine, and instantly the air around us sparks to life. "Hi," she breathes.

"Hey."

"You OK?"

I manage a nod in response and force a small smile. She steps closer and pounds her fist twice against my chest. I nearly reach for her, press her hand against my chest for at least a second, even though I won't be able to feel the warmth of her touch through my armor.

At the same time, I want to shove her hand away because she seems fine. Why isn't it bothering her? Why do I feel broken, and she looks all business...all gorgeous, unbearably sexy business?

"What's our status, Joker?"

The pilot glances back over his shoulder to respond to her. "Making contact now. Approach Control, this is the SSV Normandy. Requesting a vector and a berth."

There's barely a moment's pause before someone on the other end responds stiffly, "Normandy, your arrival was not scheduled. Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business."

My interest piqued, I push off the wall and stand beside Shepard. It's not like I could defend her or the Normandy on my own against the port's defenses, but I'm damn well gonna try.

Her shoulders are squared, but Shepard keeps her cool and lets Joker handle it. "Citadel business," he responds, only just not snapping. "We've got a Council Spectre on board."

The delay is a little longer this time while we wait for them to respond. "Landing access granted, Normandy. Be advised: we will be confirming identification on arrival. If confirmation cannot be established, your ship will be impounded."

"What a fun bunch," Joker scoffs, cutting off the radio with more force than necessary. "I think I'll take my next leave here."

"If Shepard manages to leave anyone alive," I tease.

She laughs and smirks up at me. I love the smile as much as I hate how at ease she seems. She's distracted when Liara arrives just as Joker finishes docking the ship, and we can access the airlock. Joker gives us the all-clear, and I join the two of them.

Liara seems appropriately geared up, wearing armor that likely didn't belong to her before she arrived here. I wonder if it's an extra set of Shepard's or Tali's since they're relatively the same build. There's a pistol and an assault rifle strapped to her, but I'm almost eager to see the biotics Liara mentioned at dinner last night.

Once Shepard takes her place in front of me, my attention is solely for the human. She has two pistols, including a Carnifex that I love, strapped to her hips, and an assault rifle on her back. I've already seen some of her biotics, and they're truly impressive.

I shake it off as the ship VI confirms that Pressly has the deck and the doors open to release us. Even here, there's a chill in the air. I stick close to Shepard as we head toward the docks since I can see three armed people waiting for us over there. The two humans and Turian aren't wearing any insignia, and they all have on black armor, each of them holding a gun in their hands.

One holds up a hand as we approach and says, "That's far enough."

"We're not here to cause problems," Shepard assures them, holding both of her hands up in a peaceful motion. I'm on edge, probably from my own mood as much as the situation, but knowing they already have their weapons out doesn't make me feel better.

The woman doesn't address that. "This is an unscheduled arrival." Apparently, they really dislike those on Noveria. "I need your credentials."

I can't help a little flare of excitement when Shepard's shoulders stiffen, and I know she's already done playing nice. "You first," she challenges the guards.

"We're the law here. Show some respect," one of the other human women, a blonde, says sternly.

Shepard barks out a laugh at that, mild considering the treatment we've had here already. She's a Council Spectre; the woman does not need to answer to a couple paid guards on a private dock.

They must decide that she means business because the first woman finally bothers to introduce herself. "I'm Captain Maeko Matsuo, Elanus Risk Control Services."

"I'm a Spectre. My name is Shepard."

The blonde scoffs and announces, "Load of horse crap, ma'am."

I don't even know what a horse is, and my hand itches to grab my weapon. I just want to smack her with the butt of the rifle, of course - I wouldn't shoot someone just for being mean to Shepard.

Not today, anyway.

"We will need to confirm that," Matsuo responds, giving her counterpart a stern look. "Also, I must advise you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria. Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons."

Maybe it's because the blonde has already been such a bitch or because she's armed - or because I got no sleep and I'm in a shit mood - but when the Sergeant steps forward I move on instinct, and before anyone else can even blink, she has my rifle in her face.

Liara and Shepard respond to the movement and pull out their weapons as well, just before Matsuo and her guards point their guns at us. "Citadel authority supersedes yours," I inform the bitchy blonde human. "And my gun is bigger."

"Nobody takes my weapon," Shepard informs them plainly. "I'm happy to cooperate while you check my credentials, but I won't tell him not to shoot the mouthy one."

"We are authorized to use lethal force," Matsuo informs us. "You have to the count of three to surrender your weapons."

"Shepard," Liara breathes, her voice anxious.

"Shepard," I repeat, a growl building my chest without permission. "I'm not waiting 'til three." I'll be damned if I'm going to let them shoot her.

"One...two…" I start to squeeze, prepared to take a non-lethal shot, but make sure Sergeant Stirling no longer has use of her firing hand.

A voice rings out clear over the intercom, a woman who sounds a little frantic announcing, "Captain Matsuo! Stand down!" Matsuo falters but looks torn; apparently, she was pretty set on shooting. "We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here."

"And so are Spectres teams," Shepard informs them, a cocky smirk forming on her face now.

I have a feeling Captain Matsuo thinks that the voice from the intercom is still listening, and it's the only reason, but she signals her team to lower their weapons. Only once they're unarmed does Shepard lower her pistol and signal for us to do the same.

"You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational."

"Well, there's no need to be rude." I can't help feeling proud when Shepard laughs at my dumb joke.

Matsuo narrows her eyes at me but doesn't respond more than to say, "Parasini-san will meet you upstairs."

Without sparing another world for any of them, Shepard leads us through a revolving door and into a huge, open lobby. On either side of a waterfall flowing over a smooth wall of what looks like marble, staircases lead up to what looks like a reception area as we approach.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Shepard groans when a screeching alarm begins as soon as we approach the desk.

"Weapons detectors." We turn toward a dark-haired human woman rushing to a console. I like the way the deep red color of her dress stands out against her dark skin. "Don't mind them. I'm Gianna Parasini, assistant to Port Hanshan Administrator Anoleis. We apologize for the incident in the docking bay."

"I appreciate you stepping in and helping us out," Shepard responds politely.

Gianna nods. "You're welcome. You understand that our Security Chief was only doing her job." I don't even try to hide a scoff at that, and Shepard gives me a signal to stand down even though she catches my eye and I note the twinkle of a smile.

"This is pretty heavy security for such a small port."

I mostly zone out while Gianna explains that the corporations working here expect a good amount of privacy. It sounds pretty suspicious to me, but Shepard just makes sure that our investigation won't be interfered with by security or anyone else.

"Has anyone unusual passed through here recently?"

"An Asari Matriarch passed through here a few days ago. Lady Benezia." That's more than enough to get my attention back from the waterfall.

"Benezia. So she is here," Liara breathes. Her voice is a little softer than usual, but she sounds almost indignant - like she's insulted her mother dared to come here. Gianna explains that the Matriarch left the port for the Peak 15 Research Complex and hasn't returned yet, so she's likely still there. I can tell Shepard likes having a specific direction since we've just been chasing Saren around until now.

Of course, because nothing is ever simple, Gianna also tells us that we're going to need clearance from her boss to leave the port. We get directions to Administrator Anoleis' office before parting ways with the human.

"She is here," Liara breathes, not moving away from the desk when Shepard and I do. She seems almost dazed, but then she blinks and looks at Shepard. "I imagine you want to talk to me, Shepard."

I start to ask if they want privacy, but Shepard shakes her head. "We talked about her before, Liara, and I know how you feel about what she's doing. I trust you to make the right decisions when you face her."

"I do want to see her," Liara tells us. "Maybe I can persuade her to come peacefully."

"I hope so."

I share none of their optimism; they don't know Saren like I do. The guy gets what he wants almost without fail, and that's especially true where women are involved. How he got an Asari Matriarch on his side is still beyond me, but I'm certain his talons are in deep.

I keep my mouth shut, though. It's not my job to question Shepard...especially not now.

The day that started like crap only gets worse when we meet the Salarian Administrator. The stick up his ass makes my father look laid back, and his ego could give even Saren a run for his money. When he refuses to stand up to greet Shepard, I want to jump across the table and throttle him.

I'll never know how Shepard manages to keep her cool with all the assholes she has to deal with.

"Do you do business with Saren?"

Anoleis looks genuinely confused, whether or not he is. "Agent Saren, the Spectre? He is a major investor in Binary Helix corporation, which is one of Noveria's backers."

"Investor?" I repeat, surprised by the news. "Saren isn't a corporate investor...not as far as I know anyway," I tell Shepard. "Though, clearly, I don't know much."

Her face softens sympathetically, and I hate how badly I want her to touch me. Instead of doing that, she gets back on track. "Is Binary Helix developing weapons for him?"

"It's possible, given his interests. What our clients do in their labs is their business," Anoleis says, his tone dismissive.

"Fine. I've also heard that an Asari Matriarch is here. Benezia?"

The Salarian tells us the same thing that his administrator did, that Benezia showed up a few days ago and has been at Peak 15 ever since. He does add that Benezia brought large cargo and that she was attended by Asari Commando bodyguards.

"Commandos?" I repeat, letting my agitation show more than I mean to. "You didn't think that was odd?" The whole idea of this place where corporations can go and do whatever they want with no questions asked puts me off. I hated the excess red tape on the Citadel, but I have too strong a sense of justice for this place.

"They followed all of our regulations. I had no reason to forbid Lady Benezia from taking them." His tone is really starting to piss me off.

"Do you happen to know why she's here?" Liara presses.

"Even if I did, I wouldn't be at liberty to say. She came as Agent Saren's executor and is here on business for Binary Helix. There were issues at Peak 15 that required attention."

Shepard notes and crosses her arms over her chest, grounding herself like she knows in advance Anoleis is going to argue with her. "We need to see her. Immediately."

"I'm afraid that you cannot," Anoleis replies cooly, folding his hands in front of him. "Peak 15 is a private facility in the Skadi Mountains. Even if you had permission, there is a blizzard in the area. Shuttles are grounded, and surface access has been cut off." The Salarian decides the conversation is over there and turns back to one of his consoles. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I've received a dozen urgent messages while you dithered about."

Shepard rolls her eyes but signals for us to leave the room with her. "You know, Shepard, there was no security in that room. I could make it look like an accident," I offer, only half kidding.

"God, that's tempting," she groans, running a hand back over her hair.

Human hair confuses me. When Shepard doesn't tie it back, it's wavy and seems untamed. But with one small elastic band, it looks as smooth as glass sometimes and does exactly what it's told. It changes color when it's wet, too...like when she's in the shower.

Focus, Vakarian.

"You've never worked in the corporate world, have you, Commander?" Gianna calls as we pass her desk again. "You cannot bludgeon your way through bureaucracy. But Administrator Anoleis is not the only person who can give you a pass to get to Peak 15."

"You have an alternative?"

Ginna looks quickly, making sure that the door to the Administrator's office is closed to prevent him from overhearing us. "I'd start with Lorik Qui'in. You can find him in the hotel bar."

"Lorik Qui'in is here?" I repeat dumbly, something stirring deep inside me with recognition at the name. The way that Shepard glances up at me suggests that I might have sounded a little more excited than I meant to.

"Yes. He's the manager of the Noveria branch of Synthetic Insights. His office was closed." She glances around toward the office door again, like she needs to make sure Anoleis isn't listening. "The reasons are suspicious, and Lorik knows it. He has a pass, and he had some need for help."

Screw the pass; I know exactly how I'd like Lorik to repay me for any help.

It might help that I had to watch Shepard flirt with that damn wide-eyed Alenko last night. Now I can make her watch the same.

We leave the Administrator's office and head across the port, which has far too many gardens for my liking. Places like this are clearly trying to hide something. The hotel is lavish, all marble and polished chrome in the style of excess that Asari prefer when they're showing off their money. The port has a diverse clientele, clearly, but a Turian sitting at a table along the wall of the bar draws my attention.

Lorik Qui'in is one of the few people almost as tall as I am, though I still have a couple inches on him. And I like a physical challenge. He's handsome, not hard to notice from a distance, and I've always liked the markings from his region of Palaven. It makes him an excellent wingman, but the dark plates and dark green eyes highlighted by short white lines moving out from the center of his face made him my target when we were teenagers.

It was one of the few times when I actually had to put up a fight while sparring for dominance, which has made dominating him every time in the years since more fun. We don't see each other very often, but every time we do, it ends the same way. My plates start to ease a little at just the thought.

This is what I needed today.

As we approach, I watch Lorik glance up quickly and notice Shepard, who is walking in front of me. I'm already smiling by the time he does a double-take and straightens when he spots me. Lorik's mandibles spread wide on a grin, and he stands from the table. I notice Shepard move to greet him, so I can't help but preen a little when Lorik doesn't notice her at all, moving right for me instead.

"And they say nothing hot ever comes to Noveria," he quips, still grinning that grin as I reach him.

I laugh at his joke and pull the other man in for a hug, my hands instinctively finding and staying on his waist. I feel his muscles react to it and couldn't possibly miss it when he grazes a hand under my fringe, the movement tied to something deep inside my core. We part after a moment, Lorik's hands moving to my biceps while mine don't move from his waist.

"You look good," I offer, openly appraising him.

"You, too. But that's always been true. What the hell are you doing on Noveria?"

I feel Lorik jump a little when someone clears their throat, both of us only remembering our audience then. The look on Shepard's face when I turn toward them, one hand still on Lorik, feels like redemption. She's been so at ease today, totally fine while I'm in pain and missing her, but now she looks...hurt? I can't recognize that, but she is definitely pissed off, and I kind of love it.

"Lorik Qui'in, this is Commander Shepard and Dr. Liara T'Soni."

"Ah, I'd heard something about this. Nice to meet you."

I watch both women notice him viscerally, Liara's eyes widening, and Shepard shifting her stance just a little more subtly. She accepts his outreached hand, and I don't miss that they hold onto each other just a beat longer than they should. It doesn't bother me, probably because Lorik is leaning into my side now.

"Always nice to meet a friend of Garrus'," Shepard returns, her smile easy though I can see the tightness in her eyes. "We actually heard you might be able to help us."

Lorik glances up at me, looking for my feedback on trusting her, I know. I nod and motion toward the table, finally releasing him so that we can all sit down together. A waitress appears with a round immediately, shameless ensuring that her breasts wind up in my face.

Shepard like that even less than the hug with Lorik.

"You're a Spectre," Lorik notes, revealing that he really has heard a lot about this. "What is there that I could help you with?"

"We need to get into the garage. We have places to be," Shepard informs him.

I can hear Lorik's heart skip a beat, so I know Gianna's information was good. "You need a pass. That might be fortuitous for both of us." He leans back in his chair, and I have to resist the urge to touch him. Shepard shifts beside me, and her leg brushes mine; the need to touch grows even stronger. "I'm the manager of the local Synthetic Insights office. At least for now."

"What happened?"

"Mr. Anoleis closed my office. He claims to be investigating reports of my corruption," Lorik explains, his tone bitter and rough.

It surprises me to hear, and I glance at Shepard, giving her a small shake of my head to let her know that Lorik is not corrupt. I'm sure of it.

"You've met Anoleis, I'm assuming?" Lorik confirms.

"Unfortunately," I groan.

Shepard scoffs and adds, "He's a Krogan-sized dick, huh?"

Lorik laughs at that. "An interesting man, for sure. He has become rather wealthy since he took direct control of rents on the port. So I got evidence of his corruption." Lorik scowls again. "And now his hired goons are ransacking my office to find it." The Turian takes a deep breath and looks between Shepard and me. "Mr. Anoleis isn't going to let you wander. I can give you my garage pass, but I could use the help recovering that evidence from my office. I'd even throw in some credits for the effort."

"Works for me," Shepard agrees. "You got a plan?"

Lorik looks surprises and glances over at me. His expression makes me laugh, and I assure him, "Yeah, she's serious. It's that simple."

"OK, then. Yeah, I have a plan. But there is one other...what's the human expression? Fly in the lotion?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter and tell us what's going on." Shepard laughs and then immediately seems like she didn't want to give me that much.

It takes that to make me realize how uncomfortable I've made her, and immediately I feel guilty. Maybe I'm not as ready to hurt her as I thought.

"The only thing is that violence against Mr. Anoleis' thugs might be necessary," Lorik tells us. "He has members of Hanshan's security team searching my offices. He's paying them under the table - their Commander, Matsuo, is unaware of their extracurricular employment."

Shepard takes a breath, and I know she doesn't love the idea of having a showdown with a civilian group, but she's torn because we really need the pass. "Alright," she says finally. "We'll focus on finding the evidence and try for the best. If we're lucky, we won't have to fight anymore."

Lorik gives us a pass into his office so that we can access the elevator. He catches my forearm before we part, though when my eyes fall to his hold on my wrist, the other man drops his hand and tilts his head just enough to expose his throat to me. It's a signal that he's not trying to assert his dominance, that he's still accepting his submission to me.

And it turns me on.

I know Lorik can hear that in my subtones when he smiles. "You around for a while?" he asks.

I'm aware that Shepard has noticed I'm not following, and she's waiting now. "Yeah, definitely. I'll make time for you." Lorik seems pleased at that, so I leave him to join the squad again. "Sorry for the delay."

"Scheduling a date?" Shepard asks, definitely trying to sound like she's just teasing me, but I can hear how tight her tone is.

I don't want to hurt her, but I do want to see her reaction. She's been so normal so far, I need to know if what happened last night bothers her at all - even if that's petty. "Yes. Is that a problem?"

Shepard whirls around so fast on her heel that I almost crash into her. "No. But schedule make-out sessions with your boyfriends off the clock."

I'm annoyed by the obstinate look in her eye, and I kind of hate being told what to do because I'm the worst Turian ever. "Oh, Shepard, you know me better than that. I don't make out. I fuck." I push past her, letting my shoulder brush hers hard enough that she has to step back to absorb the blow.

I leave her to consider that and move to the elevator. I'll deal with the blowback for my attitude and insubordination later. For now, I'm feeling a little vulnerable, and I need to take it out on the source.

I knew Shepard was wildfire, but I don't have to let her burn me.

I'm almost grateful that the rogue security agents put up such a good fight. As a rule, I'm averse to killing civilians, but I really needed something to shoot today. It's been hard enough to pretend things are normal with Garrus all day; having security up my ass since we got to this planet isn't helping and watching the Turian blatantly flirt with someone else made me feel pretty murderous.

Taking out the mouthy blonde ERCS Sergeant - who ends up being a pretty talented biotic - gives me a couple seconds of relief. Until I remember we have to go back to Garrus' boy toy to deliver the evidence that started all this.

For a moment, when Gianna Parasini stops us, I have a vain hope that she'll deliver the evidence for us or find a conscious and just hand over a pass. Instead, it seems like she's going to scold me. "Commander. I've gotten reports about a lot of noise from the Synthetic Insights office. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"Must have been your boss' thugs," I counter, crossing my arms over my chest. She's been helpful, sure, but I'm still not sure whether or not she's corrupt.

"Perhaps it's time that I introduce myself correctly." The woman holds a hand out to me, only confusing me further. "Gianna Parasini. Internal Affairs."

Garrus cocks his head to the side and asks, "Why is an Internal Affairs agent working directly under Administrator Anoleis?"

Why does he have to look so adorable today?

"The Executive Board is aware of Anoleis' corruption. I've been undercover for about six months," she informs us. "I need your help. Convince Qui'in to testify before the board. With his evidence, we can run this planet profitably again."

I fail to hide a scoff at that, and Garrus glances down at me, most definitely aware of my distaste for having to talk to the Turian again now.

"Why don't you just talk to Qui'in directly?" I ask. It's a lot nicer than the question I really want to ask: why do people always need me to do basic shit for them?

"As far as he knows, I'm Anoleis' secretary. Do you really think he'd believe me, meet me in some dark alley with his evidence?"

"You know, I've always thought corruption was the rule on Noveria," Garrus charges. He's got a point; we've seen nothing but foul play today, especially from the people who seem to be in charge.

Gianna shakes her head. "The rule is don't rock the boat. Self-interest is tolerated if it doesn't interfere with business. Anoleis is driving customers away - including really valuable ones like Lorik Qui'in and Synthetic Insights."

"Look, whoever you are or really work for, the fact is that I need Qui'in to give me his garage pass. We have a mission to complete, and Hanshan's profitability is not relevant to that mission." I could give a shit less whether this Executive Board is losing money with Saren on the loose.

"You help me out here, Shepard, and I'll provide whatever you need." I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. Everyone wants something from me. At least here, it means I can get what I need from them.

I sink back into my hip and eye the woman. "You gave me the company line about Peak 15. You want my help, I need to know the truth."

Parasini glances around, and motions for us to move with her away from a few people likely aren't close enough to hear anyway. "Before the weather closed in, Hanshan received a Code Omega from Peak 15. That means there was a terminal breach of safety protocol. No one goes up until the crew sends an all clear." She puts her hands up defensively. "I swear, that's all I've got. No one knows what's going on up there."

"And what happens if the crew never sends an all-clear?" Liara asks, managing to keep her voice calm when obviously the information is not good.

"The Executive Board will vote to decide whether or not to destroy the facility," Parasini answers casually. "One antimatter warhead from the battle station vaporizes all contaminants."

"So this Code Omega is why Matriarch Benezia went up to Peak 15, the matter that she needed to look into on Saren's behalf?" Garrus clarifies.

Parasini confirms, and I sigh, realizing that this is already a major issue - one involving Asari commandos, and God only knows what kind of contaminants that caused the code. Not only do we have to face the Asaris and like Geth if Saren is involved, but something triggered the alarm in the first place. Something serious enough to make Saren send in an Asari Matriarch to deal with it.

"I'm pretty sure you could convince him if you wanted to, Shepard. Lorik is the kind of guy who wants to do the right thing."

I don't particularly love Garrus telling me all the wonderful things about the person he's likely going to sleep with tonight when that person is not me, but it's good information to have.

"Alright. We'll convince him to testify with the evidence."

"Thank you. You know where I work; come find me when you know he'll play ball."

We part from Gianna and head back for the bar where Lorik Qui'in is supposed to be waiting for us. "I must confess that I am surprised by the depths of the corruption here," Liara tells us on the way. "This is not something I see often working with other scientists."

"If you aren't seeing corruption, it's because you're naive," Garrus informs her plainly. "People who have money are corrupt, it's that simple."

"Does that include your friend since he works here?" I challenge him. Garrus narrows his eyes at me but doesn't say a word as we approach Lorik. I watch the other man recognize the Turian at my back on a visceral level and recall the way Garrus embraced him earlier.

It's not hard to see the appeal. Lorik Qui'in is extremely handsome, nearly as big as Garrus, and has a rumbly voice I really enjoy.

I should probably be worried that all of a sudden, I'm finding multiple aliens so attractive, but then Lorik smiles up at me, and I really don't care. When his eyes drop to scan me for just a second, I realize that I am anything but helpless in this situation.

This time, I take the seat beside Lorik at the table and leave Garrus on my other side. Lorik looks surprised but then smiles at me. "Always a pleasure, Commander. Any news?"

"Yeah, we finished the job...and then we were contacted by an Internal Affairs agent. She wants you to testify against Anoleis."

Lorik blinks rapidly at me and then looks to Garrus like he's hoping for the 'gotcha.' "So now you have my property, and you want me to dictate how I use it?" I'm surprised at the sudden hostility in his tone, and then Garrus growls beside me, his mandibles clicking lightly.

Is he threatening his friend to protest me?

Lorik takes a breath, visibly calming. "Sorry. You get tired of being coerced around here. I just...I don't want to create a public spectacle. It could cost me my job."

"Lorik." I reach out and place my hand over his, nothing his surprise but that he doesn't move away. "Everyone on this station is chafing under Anoleis. You might end up a hero."

He laughs a bit and leans forward just slightly when he asks, "So heroes are your thing, Shepard?"

I can feel Garrus tense beside me, but the opportunity is far too good to pass up, so I lean back toward Lorik. "You might just have to find out."

Liara clears her throat, and I ignore her, not looking away from the Turian's deep green eyes.

After a beat, he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat and straightens, so I do the same. "Exceptionally temping, Shepard, I assure you. But my employers rely on the goodwill of the Executive Board to work here."

"There is no way the Executive Board won't blame Anoleis for all this in the first place," Garrus notes.

"You're pushing me, too? Well, together, you're definitely too much to say no to."

I force a laugh because I'm sure that he's kidding and to hide the totally inappropriate rush of heat at the suggestion. Glancing up at Garrus doesn't help at all since it's impossible to tell from the look on his face whether he wants to devour or destroy both me and Lorik.

I get out of it all simply because we need to go back to Anoleis' office to give Parasini the evidence. Garrus stays behind for a moment to share a few whispers with Lorik again before catching up, and I can't help but think about it at least for a moment...they look so damn fine standing next to each other that it seems unfair.

Fortunately, we aren't held up for too long, and I get to fix the crappy day at least a little by watching Anoleis be arrested and dragged from his office for theft.

There's no time to worry about any of it now, though. With the pass in hand, we're free to take a drive up the mountain in a blizzard to the Peak 15 site where an Asari Matriarch is waiting with her commandos. And that's not even considering that there is some catastrophic event happening at the labs, bad enough that the Executive Board may consider just destroying the whole thing.

Maybe I'll get really lucky, and they'll vote while we're up there.

I have more than enough on my plate, and I don't need to be distracted by worrying about Garrus.

I do need to worry about Liara, though. She's tense and fidgeting on our way to the garage, so I slow down a little, which forces the Asari to do the same. "You holding up OK?" I ask.

"Me? Oh, yes. Yes, I am fine." I just give her a look, and the Asari smiles a little. "I'm not more anxious than I would expect. What about you?"

"Me?"

Liara smiles and glances toward Garrus, who is walking in front of us. "He might be right in calling me naive, but I am not blind. You two have been very tense with each other. It's unusual."

I hate that she's noticed something is off. Yet another reason not to get emotionally or otherwise involved with a crew member. "There's nothing going on."

It's a lie I've told repeatedly over the last couple weeks, and it makes me feel sick every time. Garrus doesn't deserve to be hidden. He's the only man who has ever told me that they value what I have to offer outside of sex, and I'm lying about him...probably within earshot.

"Garrus and I are very close friends. Sometimes, that creates tension."

I know the Turian heard because he straightens so slightly I don't think Liara noticed.

"That I can understand," Liara offers. "On archaeological digs, we are often with the same people for long periods of time. It makes for strong relationships but also big fights. Though, for what it's worth, I'm not sure I've ever met two people who seem to complement each other as well as you and Garrus."

"Oh, well." I just laugh that off and pray that she doesn't notice my face heating up. I may not love people noticing how close I've gotten to Garrus, but it's nice to know that some of the views are so positive. We reach the garage, and Garrus pauses to let the two of us through the doors into the security area ahead of him.

I start to pass him behind Liara, but he catches my wrist gently, and I don't fight him, stopping and looking up at him.

He just starts at me while his mandibles twitch. The Turian says nothing, but he doesn't have to. Truce. We're OK. I reach up and pound my fist twice against his chest armor before opening my palm and letting my hand rest over his heart for just a moment. That makes him smile, and his happiness re-energizes me, so I approach the ERCS guard at the entrance to the garage confidently.

This guard stops us, too, but at least she's respectful. "Sorry, ma'am. Access to the garage is restricted."

"I have authorization." Garrus is still holding the pass from Lorik, and he allows the woman to review it now. She confirms that we're OK to pass through and offers a warning about the bad weather on the drive up before we leave her to move through the revolving doors.

The garage is huge, and there are a few other vehicles here, including the Mako, which Joker already had delivered for us - probably before had actually had authorization to, if I know him.

"Let's go," I direct them, aiming for the tank.

"Shepard!" I jump at Garrus' shout but barely have time for my feet to get back to the ground before the Turian has me slammed up against a different vehicle. Two quick rifle blasts and then a Geth drops straight down from the ceiling, landing hard on the roof of the truck with its flashlight face a foot from mine. "I figured out what Benezia had in those crates."

"There are more!" Liara calls.

I try not to notice the lack of warmth when Garrus' body moves away from mine, and I'm not prepared to think about the fact that he moved so fast to protect me. It's not like I don't have other things to worry about now, while three Geth Destroyers advance on us.

"Shepard, your six," Garrus calls, this time through our comms as we've spread out for the fight. "We've got another one above us."

"Can you get it?"

"Of course, I can get it." His tone is only a little cocky and a whole lot sexy. "But I can't get it and keep the shield down in the Destroyers. T'Soni, it's time to step up."

I glance over in their direction, finding Liara with her pistol out though it doesn't look like she's fired a shot yet. We have things under control without her, but Garrus is right - I can't manage the last Destroyer alone, and he needs to get the Ghost on the ceiling. There are three people on this squad, and I need all of them right now.

"Liara. Liara, look at me." The Asari looks nervous about taking her eyes off of the Geth firing at us, but after a beat, her wide-eyed gaze is trained on me. "You can do this. Forget the gun and go with your biotics. Go with what you know. OK?"

"Shepard...I don't - "

"No time!" Garrus snaps.

"Liara, we are moments from facing your mother and her Asari Commandos. You have to be able to do this. Hit that damned Geth, now!" I think the thought of being bested by her mother is the final straw, and finally, we see some action from the meek professor. One blow, and she has the Destroyer's shield failing. "Vakarian, get that thing down from the ceiling."

"On it, Commander," he confirms. I kind of love that he uses my title while we're working and not just because it speaks to the level of respect that he has for my command.

Working with Liara, we get the shields down, and then I use my shotgun for a couple hard blasts. When the machine collapses, my first thought is to turn to Garrus and make sure he's OK. A laugh escapes me when I find the Turian sniper leaning calmly against the tank and wiping down the scope of his rifle. "Oh, are you two finally finished?"

"By the Goddess, is he always like this?" Liara asks.

I laugh at that too, shaking my head at impossibly blue eyes. "Yes, he is. And it's fantastic." Garrus flashes one hell of a smile and then straightens away from the Mako so that we can get back to work.

It's just in time since we need the entire day to deal with everything else that Noveria has to throw at us. The Rachni are an especially disturbing surprise, but the upside is that killing a Geth in the garage did something for Liara's confidence, and she's much better the rest of the day than we've ever seen her. Garrus, of course, is at the top of his game even in the face of all the battles for a station that is dealing with an epic clusterfuck.

"Think she's ready?" Garrus asks softly when we have some space from Liara while checking our ammo before finally facing Matriarch Benezia. We've made it through the lockdown, and she's just through another set of doors, waiting with God knows what. Considering we've already faced Geth, Krogan, Asari, and Rachni...I'm not looking forward to it. Liara has to be dreading this even more.

"She's done pretty well today," I answer. "I think she's ready to get some answers from her mother, one way or another. Can't blame her for the stress."

Garrus smirks as he slips a heat sink into his rifle. "You could offer her another joining - for stress relief, of course."

"Very funny." He laughs at my drawl. I eye him and wonder if I can push it, considering we were barely speaking this morning. He did start this, after all. "I suppose you think it's fair that you be the only one blowing off steam tonight, is that it?"

"Assuming the Asari Matriarch and her squad of commandos don't kill us, I think I've earned some relief." Garrus' voice is harder than usual, even if he's smirking, and I know that he's not completely fine. He's been distant all day, and I'm only trying to be normal for both of us.

"You know, I'm pretty sure Lorik wasn't totally kidding earlier," I note, watching his face closely for a reaction. "Maybe we can both get some relief."

Garrus' eyes widen, and he takes a step away from me, totally the opposite of the reaction I wanted or expected. "What are you doing?" he demands, his voice soft but in a way that screams danger. "You can't be with me and cool us off, Shepard, and you're the one who said you wanted that."

"Actually...I said I wanted both." I don't know why I said that, but I regret it immediately.

Garrus growls, and then in a flash, he's totally invading my space. When I back into the wall for some breathing room, the massive Turian only follows and traps me with a dangerous glare. "You can't say that and mean that you want to be able to fuck me regularly. I have some self-worth left, thanks. Figure your shit out, Shepard, or back off."

I can only blink at his back when he turns away, his words echoing in my head and sickness gripping my stomach. I never wanted to challenge his self-worth. My issues are why we're at this place, standing at what feels like a crossroads, it's not because of him.

It didn't even occur to me that Garrus might feel like I'm jerking his chain when, in reality, he's got me so worked up that I don't know how to feel anymore.

I'm considering breaking all of my rules, and Garrus thinks I don't really want him.

Damn. It's proof of how much I've screwed up by staying silent, by not telling him how I feel or why I'm confused. He's been so open with me, and I've given him nothing in return.

I push away from the wall and steel my resolve, determined that I can return the gesture and be open too. He's worth a shot, even if it's just for the sake of our friendship. Even if I've already ruined the possibility of anything else. I'll figure my shit out.

Right after we take down an Asari Matriarch.