It's a long trip back to the Citadel to deliver the news about his men to Admiral Kahoku in person. The trip ends up being more than worth it when I get to speak to him in person; I can tell how much he appreciates the effort. I'm genuine in my offer to help him investigate what happened, however he needs, and I hope he reaches out.

It's not the end result that makes the trip to the Citadel suck, but the three days we're stuck on the Normandy. Garrus is avoiding me, and I'm actively avoiding Kaidan. It's a mess.

I'm grateful just to get a little time off the ship, so I give everyone a full day of shore leave and decide we'll spend the night here. It gives me a chance to find a new scope, too. Acid from one of the Thorian's husks on Feron screwed the other one up; I don't use my sniper rifle all that often, but not having Garrus on a mission recently makes me feel like I should be better prepared.

It's been a long time since I went scope shopping, though. Actually, the one I use now was standard issue, so I've never shopped for my own sniper rifle. I can admit all the options in this shop on the Citadel is a little intimidating.

"That one is too long."

I almost jump all the way out of my skin, not just because I wasn't expecting a voice but because the voice is deep, dual-toned, and feels like melted chocolate when it washes over me.

Garrus steps slowly up beside me at the counter, almost shy about it. "Unless you're planning to snipe targets at a couple hundred yards...that one is no good for you. Too long." He motions to the one in my hand.

"Oh. Yeah, I'm good but not a couple hundred yards good."

"You're not all that good, actually." A laugh escapes me and instantly feels good, warming the spot in my chest that's been hollow and cold for days. Garrus smirks too, but he doesn't look at me. He plucks another scope off the shelf and holds it out to me. "Here. You'll like this one."

It's not a question; he's confident. He knows me well enough to know exactly what I need.

I try not to think about his hands when I accept the equipment. "Thanks."

"Sure."

I'm going to need to go to the sales counter if I want to purchase this thing, but I'm finding it impossible to walk away from the Turian. I don't know what brought on this sudden change - actually speaking to me - but I don't want to waste it. And maybe it's just nice to be standing close to him again.

Garrus shifts, and I feel my heart skip awkwardly when I think he might walk away.

"Plans for your shore leave?" I'm grasping at straws, but at least I get to talk to him.

Garrus turns to face me finally and cocks his hip to lean against the display case, apparently content to stay. Before he can say a word, my Omni-Tool starts to ring. "Go ahead," he assures me when I glance up to check.

"Just...don't leave. OK?"

I feel a little pathetic asking, but it doesn't feel like I have much left to lose here. Garrus' shy smile makes it worth it, and, lucky for me, he nods.

"Shepard here," I answer. I don't walk away from him to take the call in private because it doesn't even occur to me. I trust him.

"Commander Shepard, I'm sorry to bother you." The voice is a man's, heavily accented in what sounds French, so I assume he's human. I definitely don't recognize it. "This is Lieutenant Girard with C-Sec. I am down in the Docking Bay, and there is a woman here. She was rescued from Batarian Slavers a few weeks ago. She is from Mindoir. We assume she was taken in the raid on your town."

My throat tightens a bit as my interest piques. I don't fly into panic at the mention of Batarians or slavers or both anymore, but there's still a noticeable increase in my heart rate. I know that Garrus can hear my reaction and that he knows enough of my service record to know why, but he doesn't react or move. He just watches me with impossibly blue eyes.

His calm presence soothes me while my mind races through questions so that I can focus.

"She's been a slave for the past thirteen years? Is she alright?" I ask Girard. It doesn't seem possible that she would be, especially since C-Sec is calling me.

"Not really. She's a little...messed up." I wince at his choice of words and watch Garrus do the same. "She got free somehow, grabbed a gun from one of my guys. Now she's holed up here in the Docking Bay. She, uh...she says she wants to die."

I don't give the command to my body, but my hand shoots out and lands on top of Garrus' on the counter. The scope is still in my fist, and Garrus pulls it from my fingers to discard it before capturing my hand in his, engulfing my much smaller palm.

I can't explain why watching my hand all but disappear inside his makes me feel safe, but right now, I don't want to question it much.

"What are you doing for her?" I have to hope that C-Sec has something of a plan.

"I hoped that you would talk to her. It's a long shot, but you went through the same thing. I figured that maybe you could talk her out of it," he explains, the man's tone growing desperate.

It's enough for me. "I'm on my way, Lieutenant. Don't do anything until I get there."

It's not a choice, not a decision. This isn't just another civilian who needs help; it feels personal already.

"Anything you can do would be great, Commander Shepard," Girard assures me. "The protocol is...I don't want to…" He sighs. "She's been through enough. My men will be on standby for you."

Scope purchase forgotten, I end the call and look back up at Garrus.

Before I can open my mouth, before I have to decide how to ask him for help, the Turian squeezes my hand and says, "On your six, Commander."

I nod to him now, too scared of what will come out if I actually speak. Garrus lets go of my hand but stays close by my side while we go back through the Citadel and C-Sec Academy toward the docks. An officer there directs us to the right one, the whole force apparently on edge for us to arrive.

Of course, because this is the Milky Way galaxy and the same damn designer must have built every elevator here, it takes forever to actually reach the Docking Bay. I'm restless the moment the doors close, feeling powerless until we get down there.

"You OK?" Garrus asks, leaning against the back wall.

"Yes. Just…"

I want to blow him off, say something professional and distant like I would to anyone else instead of showing my emotions. I want to do exactly what I've always done with him. I swallow hard to get the words out, preparing to confess.

"I can't help but wonder if I'll get down there and recognize her. I know that she couldn't have been...you know, in the same operation I was. She would have been rescued with me, too. But maybe I knew her on Mindoir."

It's by far the most I've ever said about a time in my life that I don't like to remember. No one would. And this girl lived it for ten years longer than I did.

"Three years in captivity and I was a disaster. Thirteen years, Garrus. This girl…" I just shake my head, unable to find the words.

"You'll do everything you can, Elle, just like you always do."

Hearing him use my first name catches me off guard but in a good way. I take a breath and nod to him just as the doors open. It makes me feel immediately more confident knowing that now I can take some sort of action.

We can spot the crowd of C-Sec officers easily enough when we step off the elevator, all of them by the Normandy as luck would have it. The crew must have heard the commotion because they're all standing off to the side. Kaidan and Ashley start toward me, but I quickly wave them off, grateful Garrus understands I want him to stay with me without making me say it.

I can see someone among the crates a few yards down the dock, but I head for the officers to get information. "Lieutenant Girard?"

A tall and lean human turns toward me, relief flooding his features. "Commander." He salutes me, and I return it quickly. "Glad to see you. Thank you for coming so quickly."

"I wish we were meeting under better circumstances. Where is she?"

"Behind those shipping containers," he confirms, motioning down the docks. "I've got a sniper in position, but I don't think we'll need it. She's only a danger to herself. We do have a sedative to calm her down, but we can't get close to her. Every step we take gets her more wound up."

"You're scaring the crap out of her." I reach for my pistol and pull it from my belt, turning to Garrus, who understands and takes it from me without question. "Give me the sedative, just in case." Girard obeys quickly, and I accept the pill even though I don't want to need it. "Tell your men to stand down unless Garrus gives the order to shoot."

"How will he know?" Girard asks as I start to walk away, giving the Turian a skeptical look.

"He'll know. Got it, Garrus?"

"Aye, Shepard. And you've got this." I look up at him and find his gaze piercing but steady, calm, and sure. I give myself a second to soak that in and nod for both of us, letting him give me some strength.

I leave all of them behind, my comms on so that Garrus can hear us, and walk slowly toward the shipping containers where I can see someone hiding.

"Stop!" a girl's voice screams as I approach. She's cowering behind the crates, the arm that's pointing a pistol at me shaking violently.

My heart snaps at the sight of her, shaved head and rail-thin with bruises all over her bare arms. She can't be more than twenty now, which means she was no more than a child when Mindoir was raided, and she was kidnapped. I can't help but wonder if this is how I looked when I was rescued, if this was how Captain Anderson felt the first time he saw me.

"What do you...what are you?" she asks, her voice as shaky as her hand.

"My name is Shepard," I tell her, keeping my voice slow and calm. "Lieutenant Girard asked me to help. He wants me to talk to you. What's your name?"

"Animals don't get names." I force myself not to respond physically while bile starts to creep up my throat at a phrase I only hear in my nightmares now. "The Masters put their symbols on her. Hot metal all over her back. She screams when they do it."

I want to scream and run away, my hands growing sweaty, and I feel sick. It doesn't matter; I won't abandon this girl. "You are not an animal. What about your parents, what did they call you? Do you remember them?"

"She remembers," the girl whispers. "She remembers a lot of things." After a beat, she slowly lowers the pistol to her side, hands still shaking. "Talitha. They called her Talitha. She...she doesn't remember the rest. Leave her alone!"

"Talitha, what's the last thing you remember from Mindoir?"

"Fires. Smell of smoke and burning meat. Animals screaming when the Masters caged them. They put the metal to their backs, put the wires in their brains." Talitha shakes her head and wipes her brow with the hand holding the pistol.

I know that she's confused because the slavers I was with didn't brand us, and they wouldn't have down on the surface of Mindoir; that had to come later.

Talitha continues, her voice breaking while tears stream down her face. "She pretends to be dead. If she's dead, she can't work. But they know! She hopes they'll leave, but they put her in the pen." Talitha shakes her head, tears dripping onto her brown overalls now and her words broken by sobs. "She didn't fight. She was already broken when they put the wires in."

"Talitha." I'm surprised my voice sounds so steady consider the way my heart is racing. "With everything that happened to you, no one can blame you for hoping they would just go away."

"She can!" Talitha shouts. "She can blame her. Stupid! She's stupid and she deserves to die!" Talitha screams, and grabs her head with both hands, the sound of the metal pistol cracking against her skull piercing through me even more than the high-pitched wailing.

I know that I have to intervene soon, or C-Sec will ignore Garrus and make a decision for me. This girl needs help, she deserves it. I have to do something.

"Talitha, I'm going to take a step toward you. OK?"

She just watches me, doesn't move or react, and lets me step toward her. Suddenly, it's like a switch flips, and she's yelling again. "No, she's no good! Don't want to be handled again!"

"Talitha, talk to me. Let's just talk." I'm doing my best to remember what the first few counseling sessions were like for me, the stark hospital room, and the doctor asking me hundreds of questions. I hated him. "What happened to your parents?"

"There's...she sees them. They're yelling. Go! Run! Hide!" Talitha is looking at nothing above my head, and I know that she can see, hear, and smell that day as clearly now as if it were still happening. As clearly as I can. "They hit the Masters, but the Masters...they have lights and hoses. Daddy is…" She brings her hands to cover her face, white knuckle grip on the pistol. "He's melting!"

I remember. The Batarians came at night, they had flame throwers and acid in hoses. Their guns lit up the night like fireworks.

Talitha shakes her head rapidly and snaps, "Shh! She doesn't want to see that! Don't make her look!"

"OK, Talitha, it's OK." She looks at me every time I speak. "I know it hurts, Talitha. I'm sorry."

"When she thinks...water comes out of her eyes. The Masters beat her when she wastes water." Talitha shakes her head slowly, still appearing like a child. "Mommy and Daddy...they're dead, Shepard. They try to save her, and the Masters burn them. Can she stop remembering now?"

I take a deep breath and remember that Garrus can hear everything I say. For some reason, that empowers me. "I was on Mindoir. My parents died in the raid. My brother, too."

"Lying!" Talitha shrieks. "You get hit for lying." She takes a step toward me, but I don't move. "Why are you alive? Why aren't you like her, broken - only fit to…" She trails off, and I don't ask either of us to remember what comes next, to remember all that we were told human girls were fit for.

"For a while...I was broken," I confess. "I lost my whole family, Talitha. My friends, my childhood. I had to pull myself up and keep going. I had to ask for help to be able to do that. I needed help."

"You stand up," Talitha breathes. "She wishes she could stand up." I watch the girl wrap her arms around herself, almost folding in. "She doesn't want them to see her. If they see her, it's real. She doesn't want it to be real."

The urge to hold her is almost painful, but I know she'll hate it. She needs to be ready for that, to initiate it. "I'm going to take a step toward you now, Talitha." I do it again, slowly, just like the last time.

"Please don't touch her," she begs me. "She's dirty. You'll catch it."

"Talitha." I show her the pill in my hand. "This is going to make you sleep. While you're asleep, good people will take you to a hospital. You'll get help, the help you need. The help that people like you and me deserve, Talitha."

She blinks slowly at me. "She wants to get better. Will she have bad dreams?"

I hold my hand out to her, and Talitha takes the pill but then grasps my hand. When I see her shudder from head to toe, I step a little closer, and she breaks on a sob, moving into my chest. My arms go around the girl instinctively, and I hold on, trying not to notice her ribs and spine against my hand. "You'll dream of a warm, safe place. And when you wake up, you'll be in that place."

"She'd like that," she whispers. "It hurts when she remembers. But she...I...I want to."

I release her enough to take the pill, and I watch her swallow before her taking her hand and guiding her slowly back down the docks with me. A medical transport has arrived. Chakwas is standing beside Garrus, and she signals to a group of EMTs who approach us carefully. The girl is so emaciated that I'm sure the sedative will hit her with force, and Talitha lets them guide her to a stretcher for evac.

"It's over, Commander?" Girard asks me, almost sounding shell shocked.

"She took the sedative," I confirm. "She wants to get better, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, Commander. I didn't want to hurt her." He shakes his head, and we both look at the medical team, loading her into a transport. "She was only six when they took her. Why the hell are we out here if we can't even keep one little girl safe?"

A heavy, comforting hand lands on my shoulder. "Bad things happen to good people, Lieutenant," Garrus tells him. "That's why people like you and Shepard are here."

"Don't wring your hands over her," I chime in. "Help her."

"Yes, ma'am. She'll be taken to a counseling center, and they'll help her get better. I'll do what I can." I accept his handshake, and then we part ways, the C-Sec officers going back to work except for Girard who gets into the transport.

Dr. Chakwas approaches us after she speaks to the medics, and Garrus removes his hand from my shoulder, though I didn't want him to. "She's going to an excellent facility, Commander. You did well," the doctor assures me.

I thank her, feeling the weight of what happened hit me now that it's over. I can feel my own hands starting to tremble and want nothing more than to get back on my ship.

I head that way but get surrounded quickly, Tali throwing her arms around my neck for a hug. Kaidan keeps a hand pressed to my lower back, and I don't have the energy to move him away.

I can feel myself slipping into a shell, moving into a familiar and protective space that I created years ago when I didn't want to remember. When I didn't want to feel. It's like autopilot for my brain, and it's comforting...but for the first time, it feels hollow. It's not the comfort I need.

The crew lets me escape to my quarters, but I can't even get my boots off before the doors open and, once again, Kaidan enters. "Shepard, I - "

"Kaidan, now is not a good time," I interrupt firmly, holding up a hand to stop him from coming any further into my room. "I'm getting a shower and going to sleep. You're still on shore leave, go."

"I really don't think it's best to be alone right now," he argues. I blink, realizing that he might be right. Maybe I don't want to be alone either. Kaidan misunderstands my pause and steps closer, reaching for my hand. "Let me be here for you, Elle."

"Whoa, that's not OK." It comes out a little harsher than I intended, but I'm shocked Kaidan would move so far outside regulations as to call me by my first name. It's exceptionally unlike him. He looks kind of shocked that I've corrected him, and I don't have the energy to unbox that right now. "Kaidan...you should go."

"Oh. OK." He gives me a polite nod and then, thankfully, leaves to do just that.

I exhale hard, grateful for peace, only to have it interrupted again. This time, it's by a message on my Omni-Tool, and I only pull it up because the message is from Garrus.

** I'm here if you need me. **

I stare at the message for a second, the words sinking in. He really is here, and not like Kaidan was - not for his own benefit. Hell, I've done nothing but hurt Garrus. And he's still here.

Kaidan is only a couple feet from the door when they open again behind him, and he startles a little, turning back to me with a frown. The rest of the crew is still in Mess Hall and staring at me too, Garrus Vakarian included. He's standing at the counter in the kitchen, watching me.

For once, I let my heart talk to him.

"I do need you."

The mood among the crew is heavy and intense when we walk back onto the ship. I don't bother Shepard, especially after Tali hugs her, and can't blame her for escaping into her quarters quickly.

"I should go talk to her," Alenko mutters, staring at the door.

"I think she wants space," I argue.

He whirls around and blinks at me. Apparently, having my advice is a bad thing for the human biotic because he marches right through the door to invade the Commander's privacy.

"Boshtet," Tali mutters from beside me in the kitchen. I couldn't agree more. I'd like to drag the guy out of there. Almost as much as I'd like to be the one in there myself. Instead, I send Shepard a quick message from my Omni-Tool; it's enough for me if she knows I care.

The crew sits around the table, muttering about the shitshow that was this afternoon. How Shepard managed to keep it together after what I heard...I feel sick, and it had nothing to do with me.

The room falls silent when Alenko emerges again. I can't help feeling a little smug at how dejected he looks. Apparently, my advice wasn't so bad, after all.

"What happened?" Any answer to Ashley's question dies when the doors open again behind Alenko, this time Shepard emerging.

Her green eyes find me immediately, and I can't look away from her. She looks almost small, her shoulders low and her face pale. She looks right past Alenko like he's not standing two feet in front of her and breathes, "I do need you."

I don't question it, don't even consider hesitating. I abandon my glass of water on the counter and don't spare Kaidan a glance as I pass him, moving directly into Shepard. She meets me on the last step, her arms moving around my waist to hug me while I press her against my chest. I really wish we weren't in our armor, but I don't care that the crew can see us if she doesn't.

Once she's in my arms, I don't stop walking and continue into her quarters, only pausing to lock the door behind us. Shepard moves willingly with me, but then I don't know where to go, feeling kind of lost. I can't hold her comfortably while we're both in armor.

"Do you want to get out of your armor?"

"Yes."

She doesn't move to release me, and I don't ask her to, don't move more than to lift a hand and run my talons through her hair. I know she likes it, but I've missed the silky feel of it too. It's enough for me just to be holding her. If she just wants to stand in the middle of the room, that's fine with me.

"My brother isn't in my file," she mutters softly after a few minutes. "It just says...that my family died. People assume parents, but...I had a little brother."

Her voice is strained, and I know that's as much from the emotional strain of the day and the memories as it is from actually sharing something personal. She's made it perfectly clear that's not a normal thing for her. And I have to push anyway. "What was his name?"

"Jake," she responds, honestly surprising me. I half expected her to shut me down. "He was twelve. Four years younger...like you and Solana." She remembered.

"I remember when Sol was twelve, and I was sixteen. I could not get any privacy."

She laughs, the movement shaking both of us. "Yeah, that's exactly what it was like with Jake. I loved spending time with him at the house, but when my friends were around, I wanted him gone." She takes a shaky breath, and I feel her arms tighten. "He would have loved you. You're both nerds."

Now I laugh and tug her hair gently as punishment, wishing again that we weren't in our armor so I could feel the warmth of her up against me.

No. We're not going there again.

"I'm sure you want to get out of your armor and take a shower, Shepard."

"Yeah. But I don't want you to go."

I take a breath and try not to tense, so I don't scare her off. The offer is right on my tongue, more than a little of me desperate to join her. I know she'd accept if I ask, and if she asks, I'm fairly certain I can't deny her a damn thing.

I want to be here for her. I haven't been lately; we both know that. Instead of being a good friend to her, I let my pride after she rejected me keep me away. Losing her friendship has been breaking my heart, and it's already a relief to have her near me again.

I don't know if I'm ready to jump back into a shower with her yet, though.

"I, uh...I can come back. I'll grab a shower and change, then come back in a bit." I let my fingers drift through her hair again. "Maybe I'll even bring back some peanut butter. That's comfort food, right?"

She laughs and sniffs a little, pulling back just enough to look up at me. It lightens me a little to see her green eyes are bright again. "Yeah, it's great comfort food. Thank you."

"Anything, kid."

I force myself not to look at her mouth because the urge to kiss her is already killing me and tug her earlobe gently instead before we part. Knowing that she's watching me go, I can barely breathe until I leave the room.

It's really sad that I turn into some inexperienced fledgling around her. Sad and entirely unacceptable.

I manage to avoid everyone - or, in the case of the humans, they avoid me - while getting a quick shower and then changing into casual gear. I do stop for peanut butter, grabbing the unopened jar that was purchased today and two spoons before going back to Shepard's quarters. The door is unlocked, but I'm still a little nervous that I'll catch her naked or in a towel.

I don't have the kind of self-control I would need not to take her. Damn, I want her.

Shepard was incredible today. I've seen Crisis Squads at work before, and even trained professionals don't handle those situations as well as she did. She was totally in control when she had to be raw and vulnerable. A woman like that can bring the world to its knees.

When I think about all the power she holds, the only thing I want more than to reign every bit of it in underneath me is to be the person she relies on to hold her up when it becomes too much.

And now it might be too late. Now she kisses Kaidan Alenko.

But she did come to me when she was hurting, and that means so much more to me than being the man sharing her bed. Earning her friendship and trust is an honor. She spends time with everyone on the ship, she grows closer to Tali every day. But I'm the only person Shepard needs when she's hurting. I'm the only one she trusts to see her vulnerable.

She's trying to open up, so she really heard me when we talked. I'm sure it wasn't easy or natural for her to tell me about Jake; Shepard made it pretty clear that she doesn't talk about personal things. Last time, she tried to direct me to her service record. Tonight she shared something that I never could have found in there.

She's making an effort, and even though the image of her kissing Kaidan comes to my mind every damn time I close my eyes, I'm going to make an effort too. I'm going to be a better friend to her.

In her quarters, I find Shepard sitting in the middle of her bed wearing sweatpants and a tank top. I'm sure she thinks the look is casual, but my cock responds almost violently to all of that soft, warm skin on her shoulders, neck, and throat.

She would look so fucking good with my mark on her neck.

I nearly stumble when the errant thought catches me off guard. I've never wanted to mark anyone. I'm not even sure I really want to mark Shepard. Shit.

"You OK there, big guy?" she teases, catching my misstep with a laugh. She looks lighter already though I can still see that she's tense and tired. I laugh and motion for her to come to me, standing near the chairs where we usually sit.

Shepard seems to think on that for a moment and then pats the mattress next to her. My heart catches in my throat.

I want to be here for her, but I know I can't be on that bed with her...but she's so damn hard to deny.

I come up with a compromise and head toward her, snagging the chair from in front of her desk to put it beside her bed. She looks amused instead of hurt when she watches me sit down there and kick off my boots before resting my feet on her bed. I hold out the peanut butter jar and one spoon.

"Olive branch?" she asks, accepting both. I just frown, unfamiliar with the term - or what an olive is. "Right, sorry. It's a human tradition...well, it was, but now it's just a saying. It means extending something as a truce. An offer of peace."

"Ah. Then, yes." I grab a spoonful of the salty treat when she offers the jar to me. "What kind of branch do I need to apologize for being a prideful ass?"

She puts on a thoughtful expression that I can tell is playful. "Probably oak. And then I need a whole willow tree for being a selfish bitch."

I laugh but stake my head at her. "You were not selfish or a bitch. I knew the deal going in, and I acted like a child when you wouldn't change."

Shepard shakes her head, and I try not to notice how soft her hair looks. I try not to be jealous of the spoon in her mouth, too, but I fail at both. "You don't need to apologize. I get it." She looks up at me, her eyes liquid and large. "It's enough that you're here."

I smile even though a pang of guilt since I've been avoiding the hell out of her. Shepard smiles sweetly, though, and doesn't seem to be mad at me. At the very least, she offers me another scoop from the jar, and I accept it happily.

"Do you think she'll be OK?" For a moment, I'm not sure what we're talking about, but then I realize. Talitha. Shepard might feel like forgetting today, but she clearly needs to talk about it.

"Chakwas seemed pretty sure she was going to get good care," I remind her. "Maybe you can ask the doc to check in on her sometimes, too. Updates might help."

"That's a good idea. They might not let me visit her, but maybe they can tell Chakwas how things are going." She smiles at me, and my heart thumps almost painfully.

I have to look away before I tell her just how gorgeous I think she is.

"Are there things you miss from home, Garrus? From Palaven?"

I take a breathe and think about it. "The sun. It's very strong on Palaven, so even the synthetic light on the Citadel doesn't compare. I miss that bone-deep warmth."

"It sounds painfully hot on Palaven," she notes.

"Well, yeah, that too," I admit with a laugh. "We stick to the shade or indoors during its height, but some sunbathing is good for us."

"Do non-Turian species live on Palaven, then?" I glance up, and she shrinks a little, blush creeping across her cheeks. "I mean, not all Turians marry other Turians...right?"

I don't want to think about why that question is making her blush. I can't let myself wonder if she's thinking about Turian marriage for a particular reason. There's a painful lump in my throat, but I force myself to speak around it. "Turian pretty commonly marry Asari and Quarian, but they don't often live on Palaven, no. Why...planning some long vacation?"

It works to make her laugh. "Well, someday I just have to meet this infamous father of yours."

"That is a terrible idea," I advise, making her laugh again. I love that sound. "But what about you? What do you miss from home?"

She takes a breath, and I think for a moment that she's going to shut me down instead of sharing like I did. It wouldn't be the first time; I know that it's her go-to defense mechanism.

"Mindoir had amazing sunsets," she confesses, surprising me with the sadness in her voice. Shepard tries pretty hard to hide her emotions even if she knows that I can hear the changes in her heart rate, and my visor alerts me to other, more private changes inside her. "Humans visited the planet from all over, even Earth, to see them. I don't know what exactly made them special and…" She gives a soft, sad laugh. "I can't honestly remember what they looked like. But I know I miss them."

"Think you'd ever go back to see one again?"

Shepard takes a slow, deep breath. "I don't know. Maybe someday."

When she's quiet and tense for another moment, I decide to give her a break from sharing. "My mom's cooking," I add. "I really miss my mom's cooking."

"Does she cook for you when you go home?" Something must show on my face with the surge of pain in my chest because she quickly backpedals. "Sorry. Just tell me if I should mind my business."

"No, it's not…" My hand runs back over my fringe in an effort to settle my mind and rising anxiety.

I like Shepard. She's easy to talk to, and she gets me. It scares me to get close to her, though. I already care so much about her, and letting her in isn't going to help me get away when the mission is over. Another lance of pain hits me at the thought of leaving her.

The fact that even the thought hurts should probably tell me everything that I need to know.

"My mom is sick," I confess, maybe just to keep myself from going down bad roads in my mind. "She has a degenerative neurological disease that they don't have a cure for yet. Eventually, she'll go blind, forget herself and all of us, and then…"

I can't say what happens next out loud. I just shake my head and let it trail off.

"The only treatment is to suppress the immune system, but Turians can't live in enviro-suits like Quarians; contact is a necessity for us, it's how we communicate and part of who we are. So sometimes she gets...really, really sick."

"Garrus," Shepard breathes, shifting onto her knees so that she can catch one of my hands in hers.

"I missed my graduation from sniper training before I was in the hospital, unsure my mom would survive." I'm not even sure why I'm telling her all of this, it's all just coming out now. "My family has had to watch that even more when I'm not around. It's tough on all of us."

Shepard squeezes my hand. "You said that your dad is bonded with her, right? Not just married?"

I can't help but appreciate that she was listening when we talked about that. "Yeah, they were arranged to marry and then bonded. So when...when she passes, my dad won't ever be able to find love again." The thought makes my heart feel heavy even for a man I'm not close to at all.

"Hmm. Do you think that's part of why your dad is so hard on you about just marrying and makes falling in love sound like a weakness?"

I blink and look at her. "Honestly? I never thought of that. Mostly my dad is just a dick, and him pushing me to get married upsets my mom, so…"

Shepard smiles a little and nods like she gets what I'm trying to say. I don't doubt that she does. Green eyes meet mine, and I want nothing more than to kiss her, take her under me and say everything I don't have words for with our bodies.

"You were incredible today," I tell her, the words escaping me before I realize they were going to. Shepard rolls her eyes, but I squeeze her hand and keep her attention. "Don't. I mean that. You saved that girl's life by being really vulnerable with her. Most people couldn't have done it."

"Yeah, well. I just did what had to be done."

"No, you did the right thing."

I want to move closer, touch more of her than just her hand. It takes just about everything I have to keep myself in the chair and not climb on top of her, especially when she looks up at me with just a smile. I don't give her more than my hand, don't allow myself anything else.

Just this touch and my blood is singing, my whole body filled with an intense craving for her.

Shepard shakes her head, and my visor signals that her breathing rate has picked up dramatically. I can hear her heart doing the same. "Can you stay for a while?" She sounds almost shy about asking.

"Of course, Shepard. I'm right where I want to be."

And I've missed you...so much.

The smile she flashes in response is worth my confession, and I stand from the chair, keeping her hand in mind for now. "How about some horrible media to keep your mind off things?"

She laughs, and she climbs from the bed. "Stop talking shit on my media choices, or I'll make you start the whole series over."

I fake a pained groan, and it seems to delight her. We set up the movie and then settle ourselves in the chairs, taking our usual seats. I catch her glancing at me, and I know she wants to sit closer. I do too, but I still don't know how much I can handle.

As a compromise for both of us, I pull her feet up from the floor and place them in my lap. I'd do just about anything to keep that beaming smile on her face. We stay there for the rest of the night, and I only realize she's fallen asleep when she doesn't respond to one of my comments. It's tempting just to watch her sleep, the fiery Commander at peace for once, but I lower her legs only to lift her into my arms.

The moment Shepard's little body is against my chest, she cuddles into me and murmurs something that I can't pick up. I love the way she fits here and that she doesn't seem to mind that my body is hard and unyielding against her.

I hate that I can only hold her in secret or when she's unconscious. But at least it's something. Pathetic.

She doesn't stir when I tuck her into bed, but this time she clearly mumbles my name, and one of her hands flexes like her mind is reaching for me. It makes me feel warm inside, and I'm not sure that it's a conscious decision I make to lean down and press my forehead against hers.

"Goodnight, Shepard," I whisper before finally dragging myself away from her and out of the room.

In the hall, my legs all but give out, and I have to lean against the wall to give from falling. My head spins, and my heart aches already, just seconds without her taking a toll on me.

I wonder how long I'll be able to keep hiding that I'm already a lost cause, already gone...already in love with her.

I wake up so late the next day that I miss breakfast and about a dozen new emails that came in early. I almost care until I realize that Garrus must have put me to bed, tucked me in and everything. Badass Turian sniper or not, he can be really sweet when he wants to.

Part of me is still keenly aware that he rejected me, wouldn't even sit on my bed, and barely touched me, but the other part is just grateful he's spending time with me again. After he caught me with Kaidan and I reacted so poorly to Lorik, I thought our friendship might have been ruined completely. But when we were talking last night, it felt like we got closer than ever.

That's probably because I finally actually talked to him instead of just keeping him on the outside of all my walls. It felt better than I could have expected.

I dress in casuals since it's still a shore leave day and head out to the ship, prepared to pick up my rounds that I missed last night, even if I know I deserved the break. And at some point, I need to figure out how to set ground rules with Kaidan...rules that will actually be kept, unlike the last time I set those with someone.

In the hall, I pull up my Omni-Tool and send my favorite rule-breaker a quick message.

** Thank you for last night. You're always there when I need you. **

It doesn't feel like enough. It doesn't even come close to saying everything that I want or need to convey with Garrus. That seems impossible at this point. But it's all I can give him right now.

His response comes quickly.

** And I always will be, kid. My honor to be on your six. **

I was beating myself up for the message not being enough, but I should have realized that Garrus wouldn't feel the same way. I don't deserve him.

I probably at least deserve breakfast, so I head for Mess Hall. Most of the crew is already off the ship since they have the day to themselves, but I find Tali and Liara sitting together. "Good morning, Shepard," Tali greets me, always bubbly.

"Good morning. You guys didn't want to get off the ship at all today?"

"We spend all day yesterday off ship," Liara explains. "With all the quiet around here, it's actually more peaceful on board." I laugh and can't argue with that. "Are you hiding out here today, too?"

My thoughts immediately go to what Garrus might be doing today and whether I could spend some time with him, but I don't dare say that to them. Especially since I'm mostly picturing naked time.

"Probably. Every time I go out there or near a terminal, someone asks me for a favor." They both laugh at that, and I grab a yogurt from the kitchen before taking a seat at the head of the table, sitting between them.

"Going to spend time with anyone specific today?" Tali asks, leaning the bottom of her mask on her hand. I'm absolutely certain that she's smirking at me, and I narrow my eyes at her for it. She knows me too well to be intimidated by it. "Maybe someone tall, a little spiky?"

"A lot attractive?" Liara chimes in. She giggles for the first time when I turn my glare on her; that stare works much better on humans, apparently. "Shepard, I'm not great with humans, and I haven't spent much time around Turians either...but you two couldn't be more obvious."

"No, don't say that - they'll only be more awkward and more obvious," Tali teases, shaking her head at me like she's disappointed. "At least you made the point clear with Kaidan last night."

I shake my head. "I wasn't thinking about Kaidan or trying to make any point at all. How Kaidan takes this is up to him."

She laughs at that. "Which, of course, means that he won't take anything at all."

I try not to laugh with her and Liara at that, but I fail miserably. People might speculate about Garrus and me, but no one has to wonder how Kaidan feels.

I'm grateful the girls quiet when I hear the elevator ding, no matter who might be on there, but even more so when it's the Turian in question who steps out. He flashes a smile at the three of us and then shifts his gaze just to me, his eyes impossibly blue even from across the room.

"Hey, Garrus! What are you up to?"

"He wants to get his ass kicked at virtual racing," Joker answers Tali instead, coming slowly into the room while Garrus laughs at him.

I feel Garrus approach me from behind and feel that draw to him, the very air between us tugging. I can't help but lean back in my chair to get closer to him, and he doesn't disappoint, resting his hand on my shoulder.

I tilt my head back to look at him upside down, and his mandibles flare on a grin. "Hi."

"Hey, big guy. Date day with Joker? That's cute."

"Hilarious." He glances up toward the others in the room with us, and I can feel his hand stiffen. My stomach sinks when I think he's going to pull away even when I should be telling him to do just that, even though he only would because he thinks it's what I want. Instead, he looks back down at me. "I have something for you," he tells me, something almost shy about his voice.

"That's a dirty joke waiting to happen," Joker quips, making all of us laugh even as I roll my eyes.

Garrus just shakes his head and does pull his hand from my shoulder, but only to go into his pocket and produce the scope that he picked out for me yesterday. "I wasn't sure if you'd feel up to going out again today, and I didn't want you to have to order it. Delivery charges are kind of a bitch."

His rambling is almost too adorable to stop, but I decide to save him and take the scope from his palm. "Thank you, Garrus. This was really thoughtful."

"No problem. Can't have you missing even more shots out there, Shepard."

palm. "Thank you, Garrus. This was really thoughtful."

"No problem. Can't have you missing even more shots out there, Shepard."

"Oh ha ha ha," I tease, narrowing my eyes at him. "You know, I wasn't sure of my plans today, but now I'm remembering that someone promised me a date on the gun range next time we were both on the Citadel."

Shock flashes over Garrus' features, probably at the somewhat open display, but it's the nervous-bordering-on terrified look that comes next I'm struck by. I immediately wish I hadn't opened my mouth at all, guilt swamping me with the knowledge that I'm sending mixed signals to him yet again.

Before I can cover my tracks, Garrus recovers and shakes his head quickly. "Yeah, I can do that," he agrees, starting to walk backward to catch up with Joker. His eyes are still on me. "I'll call you when we're done racing. It's a...date."

I don't miss that he stumbles over the word, but I let it go because of the adorably shy smile that comes with it. And because I really want to spend the time with him.

Joker gagging ruins any potential of this being a moment, though. "You guys sure you don't just want to meet at a hotel?" the pilot teases as he walks toward the airlock beside Garrus now. "Because we can reschedule."

"You understand that I could literally break you in half, right?" Garrus asks, no heat in his voice. The three of us are left laughing when the guys disappear.

I hate that I immediately want him to come back. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Tali is definitely smiling now when she practically coos, "Now you have dates with him? This gets sweeter by the moment."

"I do not have dates with him. It's not that kind of thing." Lying about it is a knee jerk reaction, both to keep what I am doing with Garrus a secret and to keep Tali at a distance, like everyone else. I don't like the way either of those feels anymore.

Liara gives me a curious look. "I think I'm confused, Shepard. You don't have feelings for Garrus?"

"I…"

I want to tell her that I don't. I want to be professional enough to tell the crew, starting with these two, that the rumors and teasing need to stop. It would be easy enough to tell the lie...if it involved anyone other than Garrus.

He deserves better. He's given me a hell of a lot better. The guy tucked me into bed last night for fuck's sake.

"Of course, I have feelings for him." The moment the words leave me, I feel a weight go with them, and a laugh bubbles up. "Of course I do. He's loyal, brilliant, funny...gorgeous." The relief at finally saying it out loud is quickly replaced by pain in knowing I can't have him. "But it doesn't matter. He's...off-limits."

"Wow. And here I thought Commander Elle Shepard was the kind of woman who doesn't care about the limits other people set for her." Tali doesn't turn away or back down, holding my gaze when I look up at her.

"I thought I liked you, Tali." They both laugh at that, and I use it as an opportunity to move on, pushing to my feet. "Please tell me that we're day-drinking now that you two have destroyed my perfect, unsullied, good girl reputation. No more talk of hot Turians until I have whiskey."

Part of me doesn't expect them to get on board - especially not Liara, who seems so shy and scholarly all the time. They both agree, though, and Liara is biotic, meaning that the two of us metabolize liquor quickly. Tali, however, is asleep by early afternoon.

I'm enjoying a buzz until my mistake smacks me in the form of a message on my Omni-Tool. I have a date with Garrus. And now I'm going to be buzzed for at least some of it.

I have enough trouble controlling my mouth around him. Not to mention the trouble my hands get me into. Or what happens when my mouth gets on him.

I agree to meet him at the gun range anyway and grab a cup of coffee before going in the hopes that it helps. There isn't enough liquor in the world to dull the way I respond to seeing him, though.

I see Garrus before he spots me approaching, standing outside the gun range. He's leaning one shoulder against a wall with his left leg bent in front of his right. I can see him casually watching the crowd as it passes him, offering an occasional polite smile when someone does a double-take up at him.

I'm the first human Spectre, an N7 Special Forces Commander, and a goddamn soldier...but shit if I don't get butterflies just looking at that damned Turian.

Why the hell can't I have him?

Even if I wasn't looking at him, I'd know the moment Garrus finds me in the crowd. The air between us, even from a couple hundred feet, sparks to life. I can feel currents of energy rippling over my skin, and there's a tangible pull. It happens near him when I'm sober, too, so I can't even blame the alcohol for making me sappy and weird.

Garrus smiles and pushes away from the wall, moving to meet me where my feet have stalled. "Thought you might decide to bail on me," he admits when he reaches me, pulling me by the arm to step away and away from the crowds. I have no instinct to resist him.

"Now, why would I bail when seven feet of handsome asks me out on a date?" I tease him, hoping to see the blue blush creeping up from under his collar.

"Hmm," he breathes, eyeing me with an expression I can't read. "I'm not sure you know what you're asking for. You only met the Garrus Vakarian who dates once, and you seemed to have a pretty strong reaction to him."

"I remember. And I remember really liking that Garrus Vakarian."

"Well, then." My heart stalls completely when he leans down and brushes his mouth over my cheek, so gently I can barely feel it, and yet the touch explodes in a shockwave down my spine. "He's very sorry that he hasn't been here for you," he murmurs before straightening again.

I haven't caught my breath yet when Garrus snags my hand and tangles his fingers with mine, making the incorrect number of fingers between us work somehow. He pulls me with him toward the range, and I follow happily; I'm pretty sure the Council and the entire Alliance Admiralty Board could walk up to us right now, and I wouldn't drop his hand.

I'm in so much trouble.

"Come on. Maybe we can teach you to actually get some range on that sniper rifle."

The joke breaks my internal tension enough that I manage to do something other than gape at him or sweat. "Do we really want to get into a conversation about people lacking in range?"

"Humans are such deviants," he teases dramatically, rolling in eyes in a move that I know he learned from me. It's damn cute on him. "If I were a lesser man, you'd bruise my ego." I laugh and let him lead me, trying not to notice the people who are glancing at our joined hands.

It's a big change for me...and a big change from Garrus avoiding me entirely just a couple days ago.

"I don't want to push my luck but - "

Garrus laughs. "Kid, when aren't you pushing your luck?"

"Shut up. I have to know what changed your mind." He frowns down at me, and I wonder how closely the people around us are listening. "We haven't even really talked much since...you know. And I realize some of that was my fault, but still. Last night was you comforting me, but I didn't expect you'd want to hang out."

"Did you call this a date to try and scare me off?" he asks, raising his brow plates at me.

"No! But I kinda panicked immediately after because I thought it would," I admit.

Garrus laughs but doesn't get to respond before we're distracted by a boisterous voice calling, "Vakarian! I know you didn't drag your ass back to the Citadel and not call me."

I turn to follow the voice and find a Turian in a C-Sec uniform approaching us with a big smile. For a moment, I have flashbacks to Ilium, and part of me wants to run instead of watching this again. Garrus gives a carefree laugh and releases me to step toward his friend, the two of them embracing.

"I heard you were on vacation," Garrus informs him as they part. I slink back, just trying to stay out of the way. Maybe he'll at least still have a date with me...before he hooks up with some other Turian guy. Instead of letting me escape, Garrus turns back to me and reaches out to catch my hand just like he'd been holding it before.

Like his friend can't see, and his eyes don't go wide.

"Shepard, this is an old friend of mine and former squadmate, Orbin." He tugs me against his side and pulls my arm to bend behind my back, his knuckles grazing over my spine gently. "Orb, please meet Commander Shepard."

Orbin falters for a second, eyeing Garrus with nothing short of shock all over his face, but he recovers and smiles at me. "It's an honor, Commander. You have quite a reputation around here...and not just for sweeping this guy off C-Sec." His grin shifts into something more playful when he looks up at Garrus and adds, "And off his feet, apparently."

"Oh, now I remember why I didn't call you," Garrus drawls even though he doesn't release me.

I feel just as shocked as Orbin looks, standing in the middle of a crowded area of the Citadel with Garrus' arm around me. It actually feels like...well, like a date. Or at least I think it does; it's been a long time since I did anything like this.

"Hey, I gotta get back to it - I was in the middle of something when I spotted you. But tell your family I said hi, OK?" Orbin asks, clapping Garrus on the shoulder.

"I will. Give Thera a hug from me."

"Will do. It was a pleasure, Commander. Stay safe out there, both of you."

I say goodbye with Garrus, grateful that I've met one of his friends that didn't want to sleep with him. Something tells me that's going to be rare if we spend much time together. "You ready?" he asks, pulling me from my thoughts and toward the door.

I lead him in when he motions for me to do so, holding the doors open for me. The range is quiet today, only a few others here, and Garrus leads me away from all of them. "I didn't change my mind," he tells me on the way; I was just getting ready to repeat the question. "I just...got some clarity."

"OK, you're going to have to be clearer than that."

He sighs and stops, turning back to me. I can see him tense now, and he looks around, checking to make sure we're alone. That makes me really nervous about what he's going to say. "I didn't change my mind," he repeats. "I've always wanted this. You changed your mind."

"What? No, I - "

"You asked me out on a date. And you held my hand on the Citadel just now." He jerks one shoulder in a shrug, and I try not to blush. "You and I want the same things. But you got scared, and I let it go because I had too much pride and was too scared that you'd hurt me. And then...well, that ended up happening anyway."

I can tell that last confession makes him as uncomfortable as it makes me. My hands itch to touch him, but something tells me he's not done yet, so I wait.

"And then today - after you asked me out, mind you - Alenko sought me out."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes. He felt that he needed to make his intentions with you clear to me."

I grimace at that - both at Kaidan having intentions with me at all and his feeling the need to mark his non-existent, imaginary territory by telling Garrus instead of me. "I don't think I want to know what his intentions are."

"It doesn't matter."

He motions for me to continue with him into one of the small private ranges and then uses his Omni-Tool to gain entry. I want to check out the range, I want to ask him how he has access, but I want nothing more than to know where this is going, so I lead him in and then turn to face him.

Garrus looks almost shy now. As sexy as he can be, I think this is the most attractive look on him. It melts me every damn time I see it. "It doesn't matter what Alenko thinks there is between the two of you because...I know what there is between us."

He meets my gaze, and I feel my face flush while my throat goes tight. I know what he's talking about, of course. Apparently, everyone around us knows what he's talking about. Garrus and I have...a thing. Something.

"I'm gonna do better," he informs me, saying it like a vow and nodding to himself. "I'm gonna put my pride aside and be there for you, the way you deserve from your friend."

"My best friend," I correct him, reaching out to catch his hand this time. His smile makes my heart leap right back into action, slamming around in my chest. I feel like everything is clicking back together for me, all the parts that were loose without Garrus consistently around finding their rightful places again. "So...we're OK?"

"Yeah, kid. We're OK. Now, come on. Let's have a date."

If today is any example, dating Shepard is fantastic. I can't think of a better way to spend my day off than with her in general, but something about knowing this is a date makes me feel better. Of course, I know that it's a secret date, and she would lie about it if most of the crew asked, which is doing a pretty solid job of ruining any semblance of a hard-on I would have likely had otherwise.

It should be enough to know that she wants me, even if she only wants me in private. I can make this work, that's what matters.

"Listen, Vakarian, if you're gonna keep stealing my shots, we might need to change the game."

I laugh at the frustration in the redhead's tone even while I make another clean headshot that I know she was lining up. "What's wrong with the game, Elle?" I ask playfully. "Feeling self-conscious about your range, kid?"

Shepard tries not to laugh and falls, though she quickly covers it with sarcasm. "Of course you're beating me at a shooting game. At least you have one rifle that can perform."

The shot that I was preparing to take misses wildly, and Shepard shouts in victory when she hits it instead, taking advantage of my shock after her jab.

"Keep it up, Shepard," I respond, resettling into position and feeling my competitive nature creep up. I could take a target on the opposite side of the room, but instead, I take aim at an automated target directly behind Shepard. If I was less confident in my own skills, I'd be worried about hurting her. Actually, if we were using live rounds, I wouldn't risk it. But if she wants to up the game, I'm not going to back down.

The shot is fired with a quick squeeze, and the target disappears, recording my hit successfully. In the instant after the shot hits, Shepard realizes how close the concussive round came to the back of her head, and she whirls around to glare at me.

"You should close the mouth, Shepard," I advise, swapping out my heat sink. "Someone might be tempted to find something to fill it with."

"Oh, Garrus. Didn't I warn you about challenging me once?"

Shepard lifts her rifle to aim at me, and I'm fully aware there is no target behind me. I dive out of the way just in time, and the crate behind me explodes. The Normandy is going to have to pay for that since we're not really supposed to damage the equipment on the range.

But if Shepard wants to play, I'm always up for it. She'll learn soon enough that I'm not going to back down - ever.

I use my new position to slide behind a low wall that's closer to her. The human very nearly nails me with her biotics, and I can't help but be impressed by the size of her quad if she actually wants to throw down with me.

Never to be outdone, I let the heads up display on my visor signal her movement and then lean up over the wall to shoot down directly behind her. Shepard bolts forward, as expected, and I discard my rifle to tackle her right to the ground. She yelps in surprise but doesn't miss a beat, trying to get the pistol from her waist to replace the rifle she dropped with impact on the floor.

"You'll have to do better than that." I get the pistol first and slide it away. "You don't have the reach."

"Maybe so." Suddenly, Shepard shifts and contorts herself into an angle that seems impossible - would be impossible for a Turian - to hook one of her legs around my neck. With a twist, I'm on my back, and she's straddling my chest. "But I've got the flexibility."

"Spirits."

Shepard laughs and sits back a bit instead of attacking me again, shaking her head to get loose hairs out of her face. I might not like being topped, but this woman is damned stunning from this angle. Especially while she's a little sweaty and flushed.

Beautiful, and more than a little fuckable.

I close my eyes to try and deal with the pressure building inside my armor, my erection begging for release from the brutal metal. I promised myself that I wasn't having sex with Shepard again, that I wouldn't fall back into that pattern with her. Sex we can brush off in the morning, and I need her to know I'm serious about her; when my dick is in charge, I don't prove that.

I'm also not having sex with her while she's kissing Kaidan Alenko.

That thought and the memory of what I saw while I'm in a position that makes me feel vulnerable sends a chill rushing down my spine. I roll quickly, using the rounded shape of my carapace to dislodge Shepard with no grace. She hits the ground beside me with a clang of her armor, and I shove quickly to my feet.

"Ow! What the hell, Garrus?"

"I, uh...sorry." I didn't mean to throw her, not like that. I definitely didn't mean to panic. I'm supposed to be showing her that she doesn't need Alenko, but I'm behaving like a tool. I take a breath and hold a hand out to help her up.

Shepard looks a little suspicious but accepts my hand eventually and lets me pull her up to her feet. When she's standing, I move back for space and can watch her suspicion grow.

"So...we're just getting turned on and then we're done? That's the game now?"

I manage a laugh and turn away from her, grabbing my rifle from the floor. "Maybe I don't put out on a first date." I'm hoping that a joke will help break the tension, but when Shepard doesn't respond from behind me, I know it failed.

"Why don't you want to sleep with me?" The question comes as a demand, as a command. She fully expects an answer, but I can't help laughing. It's easily the most absurd thing I've heard in a while.

"Shepard, if I wasn't wearing armor, you'd know just how badly I want to sleep with you."

I catch her throwing up her hands in frustration out of the corner of my eye, still not ready to look back her at. "So why am I over here, wet and alone?"

My hands fist around my rifle so hard I half expect the thing to crack, just the thought of her wet and ready and wanting me is enough to make me wild. Damn, I miss her.

"Garrus, you haven't fucked me since you were with Lorik Qui'in." I frown and turn to her, mostly concerned by the sudden change in the pitch of her voice. Shepard's face is red, the way it looks when she's embarrassed or scandalized, and now she's not looking at me. "So if this has something to do with me not being a Turian, I need you to tell me that sex is off the table."

The rifle I nearly broke a second ago, the gun I've spent several months of my salary on updating and optimizing, hits the floor with a bang I barely hear. "What did you just say to me?"

Shepard registers the slow step that I take toward her, and I watch her throat work on a swallow, my visor recording a spike in her heart rate and temperature. She's a little nervous, and she probably should be.

"I did some...research. I know that what we've done wasn't...it's not what you're used to. Not what you'd have done with a Turian."

"Research."

It's all I can manage to repeat, my mouth dry and my cock throbbing with an ache I've never felt before. Shepard has the good sense to mirror my next step backward, a glimmer of fear now appearing in her eyes and turning me on even more.

"You did an extranet search and decided that you're not what I want, what I need. Is that what you're telling me?"

"I - "

"Because if you're standing here insulting me, we aren't going to be playing games any longer, Elle." She startles herself when she bumps into the wall after following my step backward again. "What have I done to suggest to you that I don't want you?"

I have to spit out the last three words because I hate them, infuriated that she could convince herself of something so ridiculous.

"You...damn it," I can tell she's trying hard to regain equal footing, and I refuse to let her have it. "You were with someone else."

"So were you."

She scoffs at that, a different shade of red coming to her face now. "Please. I barely kissed Kaidan. You fucked Lorik."

"That was just sex, Shepard." I see her eyes start to move, and my entire body tenses, an instinct to dominate anything that challenges me surging forward. "Do not roll your eyes at me right now, I can promise you that neither of us wants to see my reaction to that."

Her eyes widen at the threat instead of rolling, and I walk even closer, itching to touch her with every part of my being.

"Listen to me." I want until she closes her mouth again. "That was sex. It's meaningless to me. Do you hear what I'm saying? I have never even attempted dating someone that I was sleeping with. I've never put myself out there, never told them how I was feeling. I fuck, Shepard. I'm good at it, and I generally don't need to care about the other person beyond them getting off."

Another step closer and she presses into the wall like she wants to disappear through it, her eyes going even wider, which seems impossible.

"I'm not having sex with you because you mean too damn much to me to throw it away for a fling. And you…" I shake my head and struggle to find the right words. "You don't want me."

"That is not true."

"Go back to the Normandy and tell them about me, about us." Shepard blinks at the challenge and then diverts her eyes, my heart ready to dive out of my chest and find the rifle itself.

She won't do that. Because it's true.

"You don't want me," I repeat, the words hitting me this time as well. I step away from her and then turn, going back to gather my rifle again. "I told you that I want to be here for you, be around you...be a better friend. And I meant that. But if you need sex to spend time with me, I…" I have to trail off, my throat threatening to close around the words. "I can't do that."

I can't count the number of times I've been on Shepard's side of this, sending away some Turian or Asari who thought we had something special. Men who wanted exclusivity, women who wanted to marry me. They were all just sex to me, and when they gave me ultimatums or wanted to hang out without sex, I turned them down. Cut them off.

I've never been the asshole on this side of it. And I hate it.

By the time I collect my things, Shepard still hasn't moved from the wall. I hate that I feel guilty when I'm not sure I did anything wrong. I just can't stand the thought of hurting her. I head for the doors before I apologize and do whatever she wants.

"Garrus, please don't go."

I pause mostly out of surprise that she's actually saying anything. And then she starts talking, rapidly and her words tumbling out in a rush.

"I can't risk my career, not right now. And I know that's a shit reason to put you at a distance, but it's what I have to do for me. I know that you'll respect that if I ask you to, I know that you'll keep away, and I know that we can just be friends."

Her voice cracks, and I turn back to find her slumped against the wall, her eyes red and the muscles in her throat straining. I can tell she's not done, so I don't speak and don't move.

"But I also know that you're beautiful and wonderful and the best friend ever and that...you're going to find someone else. I know it's not fair I'm asking you to stay with me when I won't take risks for you, but I'm doing it because...because I'm not ready to lose you. I can't be with you, but I can't let you go."

Shepard's head falls forward like it's grown suddenly heavy, and I hear her whisper, "I'm sorry."

I feel sick. I want to get the hell away from her and go console her all at once. Part of me wants to go get my job back at C-SEc, never have to be around her again. And the other part of me...gets it. Gets all of it.

And I could never abandon her.

"If being your best friend is the only honor I have right now, it's still an honor. I won't give that up." Her head lifts, and the human sniffles, the scent of her salty tears reaching me. I have to swallow to move the lump in my throat before I can keep speaking. "But, I...I can't do more than that. Damn it, Shepard, I fall for you every time you kiss me. And I can't keep doing that to myself. I'm sorry."

"No, it's…" She shakes her head and sniffs again before straightening and making an attempt to wipe her eyes with gauntlets on. "It's OK. I understand. God, Garrus, someone like you deserves a partner who screams it from the rooftops."

"I don't want anyone else."

She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "You will."

"You first." That makes her bark out a laugh, and she rolls her eyes without fear now. "I'm sorry that I made you cry on our date."

"Yeah. I'm sorry I'm not ready to keep dating."

I offer her a smile and shake my head, unwilling to let her feel bad about what she needs. Shepard opens her mouth and then closes it again before restarting, whatever she wants to say clearly weighing on her. "Is it OK if I still need you?"

"Spirits, Shepard, of course. I'm still here, I'm right here." C-Sec could give me Pallen's job, and I know I couldn't leave her. I don't want to...I like that she needs me.

Shepard finally smiles genuinely, and the horrible pain in my chest lifts at least a little, just knowing she needs me for something.

"I respect your career, Elle. I think you're amazing, and I can't wait to be a small part, any part of the things you're going to do."

Shepard shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest, gaining some of her confidence back. "I couldn't do a bit of it without you, big guy."

"I know." I motion with my head toward the door. "Come on. Let me buy you dinner before we have to get back to work." She smiles and heads for her locker to gather her things, and I watch her.

I know that nothing has really changed, but it feels like everything has. At least now I know why she's rejected me, that it's not because she doesn't want me. And now she knows why I can't be casual with her. We've found new ground, and I'm OK with it.

I meant what I said to her. If all I get to be is Elle Shepard's best friend, it's the best thing I've ever been.

***** Author's Note *****

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has followed/favorited or commented! It honestly means everything to me. Consider this chapter my Christmas & Hanukkah present to all of you!