Chapter 20

1951, London

Edmund wished he could have taken Lena back to the hotel, but their night was far from over. After Daniels was taken to a secure facility that even Edmund wouldn't be able to get into, he and Lena made their way back to Broadway. They faced hours of debriefing where Lena was forced to recount her full evening with Daniels and the Polkovnik again. Edmund was then kicked out of the room while Lena underwent a confidential severance disclosure; Edmund only left at Lena's insistence.

She was really and truly done with spy work. She had agreed to nab Daniels, as she believed she was the only one who could, but then she was done. Finished. Finito. Edmund couldn't help but wonder where that left them. How would he see her again? How did he get her to marry him? Or had he failed her, failed them with the Polkovnik and Daniels ordeal? What would he do if he was forced to live the rest of his life without her and their daughters to fulfill it?

He was so caught up in this whirlwind of thoughts that he nearly missed her walking by him and out the door. He hurried after her.

"Lena! Lena," he called. He had to jog to catch up to her. "Lena?"

She stopped and turned around slowly, pulling at the sleeves of the oversized jumper she wore over her dress. Edmund wanted to think it was just an accident that she simply hadn't heard him calling her name, but when she turned around he saw the truth in her red-rimmed eyes. The knife twisted in his chest.

"So—" He swallowed the lump in his throat. "—So that's it then? You've…signed the release contract and you…you were just going to leave. Without saying goodbye?"

She nodded and avoided his gaze, catching a tear on her fingertip before it could fall. "That was the plan. It seemed…"

"Easier?" he suggested bitterly. Her head turned sharply.

"Sensible. I thought we could avoid all this, avoid any awkward goodbyes and spare you any unnecessary apology."

Edmund knew her accent was always thicker when she was upset, and now he could already hear the distinct Telmarine influence.

"And really, you have nothing to apologize for," she continued. "That night was…intense for us both. Emotions were running high and I know I had enough wine to put a small horse to sleep, and you…you had that bottle of vodka. Neither of us should be held accountable."

That night. So they weren't dancing around it anymore then. "Agreed," he said with a bit of relief. "There was nothing at fault with what we did. But it had been hours since your last glass of wine, any influence had long worn off. And I was a King for fifteen years with Draven ale stronger than any vodka. We didn't sleep together because we were drunk, Ileana."

"This isn't about sleeping, Edmund," she said tersely.

"Sex," he said sharply, causing a few passersby to turn their heads. He took a deep breath and stepped closer to her. "'Sleeping together' is a polite way of saying 'having sex' in this world."

"This isn't about the sex either," she retorted. "Or have you forgotten, I've had sex many times with many men. They were all satisfied with my performance and they all said what they thought they needed to say. So I am used to the lies and the sweet words mean nothing to me, but I did not wish to hear you stumble out an apology over them."

Her accent was progressively getting thicker and her eyes narrowed, but there was something she said that struck an odd chord with him. When he realized what it was and why, he nearly laughed.

"Wait… 'what they said?'" he repeated. "Is this about what I said that night?"

She looked off to the side in that near-eye-roll of hers. Edmund smiled and stepped closer as he took her hand.

"You don't have to worry about that, Ileana, because I wasn't going to apologize for that. No amount of alcohol has ever made me say something I didn't mean. I do love you…"

"Well, you shouldn't!" She snatched her hand back. Her eyes shone with the tears she refused to cry. "You shouldn't love me. I told you, I am not meant for that. I know what the men of this world, of any world, think of me and I have seen how the women look at me. I am not the girl great Kings love. I am what they keep on the side when they bore of their wives. But not anymore."

She stepped away from him. "My best hope, my only hope, is to return to Sicily and hope beyond reason that all of this has been kept from Merina, that she might still look at me and think the world of me, and I can pretend to be worthy of her affections. But it may yet be too late for that. As for us…"

Edmund felt a bitter sting rise in his chest as Lena took another step away from him. She squared her shoulders, refusing to let him see how this hurt her.

"This is goodbye, Edmund."

Her heels clicked on the sidewalk as she hurried away. She didn't want him to see how her eyes filled with tears or the pain that pinched her face. This was the best thing she could do for him. Edmund was too good, too earnest, too honorable for a girl like her. He deserved something better and she knew it would hurt her too much to only have a piece of him. She would always cherish their time together, and she was certain his touch would haunt her; no man had ever made her feel the way he did, but in time he would move on and forget her. This was for the best.

"Ileana!"

She could feel the stab of pain in her chest as the sound of his voice knocked the wind out of her. She tried walking faster, but among the other things, Edmund was also too stubborn for his own good. Tears blurred her vision and she stumbled; his hand was there to catch her and help her back to her feet. She fought in vain to break free of his hold.

"No, Ileana." He gently brushed the tears from her cheeks. "No. I don't accept that."

Then he kissed her. His hands cupped her face and continued to brush her tears away. After a futile attempt to fight, her hands balled up his shirt in her fists as she melted into his arms and returned the kiss.

A car horn beeped on the street behind them. People went out of their way to avoid them, the women hissing their disapproval. Edmund moved his kisses from her lips to her forehead.

"I don't care what other people think," he said. "Their opinions mean nothing to me. But you… What you think, Ileana, means everything to me; you mean everything to me. Whether I should or shouldn't, I love you. Maybe you don't love me yet, or maybe you just don't know how to say it; it doesn't matter because I know one day you will, and I don't plan on leaving your side. I believe our love is transcendent and in time you will see that. I have waited a lifetime, traveling through different worlds, just to find you. And now that I have, I'm not giving up on us. What Aslan brought together, no Man or Beast can separate."

He kissed her again. She knew it was a mistake. She knew she shouldn't return his kiss. She knew that one day it would only hurt more when they said goodbye. But that wasn't today.

Narnia

Lena watched Meri carefully in the days following the announcement, observing from afar how she handled herself as a Princess or almost-Princess. She did well, really well, better than Lena ever could have. She held herself with poise and grace; she spoke with dignity and gentle authority. It was clear all the Narnians were quite taken with her. It was, therefore, a surprise when the morning of the coronation came and everyone seemed unable to find her.

"I know where she is," Lena said. Then she looked at Edmund. "And I think you do too."

Edmund thought about it for a moment. "The music room, of course."

Lena nodded. "I'll go talk to her. Take Sara…and don't let her play in that dress. I can't begin to count how many dresses she's ruined while under your supervision."

"See, you say these things and I'm sure they mean something, but I… I just can't figure it out." He smirked.

"Let me put it this way then, if she messes up her coronation gown then you have to deal with Susan."

His eyes went wide and his smile vanished. "Point made abundantly clear."

"Yes. I thought that might do it." She kissed him quickly before leaving.

Lena found Meri right where she thought she'd be, dolling out a rather depressing tune on the harpsichord. Kou—her now permanent guard—was standing by the bench trying to encourage her to leave but to no avail. Lena knew the great Cat had told Meri of Lena's arrival; still, she did not move. Lena sighed and made her way forward.

"Do you mind if I try?" she asked as the Tiger met her half-way.

"Perhaps you will have better luck than I," he replied.

Kou moved to the other side of the door and Lena let out a small sigh of relief. Really? A Tiger, she thought as she made her way over to Meri.

"Half the castle staff is in a fit looking for you," Lena said as she squeezed in on the bench.

Meri played a note sorely out of key; Lena winced at the sound.

"So it has already begun?" Meri said drearily, fingers falling from the keys.

"What has?" Lena asked.

"I don't think I can do this, Mamma. I think perhaps it is time we go home. I will only disappoint them."

"Hmm," Lena sighed. "Yes, I'm familiar with that feeling."

"What do you mean? When have you ever disappointed anyone?"

"Oh, I have disappointed many people over the years. I disappointed my father when I was born. I have disappointed your Babbo many times, I'm sure, but he loves me all the more for it. And I have disappointed myself in being unable to overcome my fear of the Narnians. But most of all, I fear I have disappointed you."

"What! But you've never…! That's ridiculous, Mamma."

Lena smiled, tears in her eyes, and kissed Meri's forehead. "That is very kind of you, Merina, but I do not think you understand. You have always looked at me with the tented lenses a daughter has for her mother. You do not know how it really was, how I really was.

"I…I was very young when I had you, barely a year older than you are now. And I was very frightened. Not just because I was in a strange new world alone, but also because…I had no idea how to be a mother. My own died when I was Sara's age; I barely remembered her…" Lena paused as a stab of pain caught in her throat.

Meri squeezed her hand. "Sara won't forget you, Mamma. Babbo and I won't let her."

Lena nodded and quickly wiped her tears away. "I was certain…" her voice hitched so she tried again.

"I was certain you deserved something better than me as your Mamma. I only stayed the first few years to nurse you and to learn Caterina's language. When you grew older and you began trying to call me Mamma…I left.

"It was only for a few days in the beginning, but then my absences grew longer and longer. Until in the end, I think I stretched it to two years. I was so convinced that I was unworthy of being loved and so certain that I would fail you as a mother. Even in the end, when I finally did make it home, I nearly turned around in the airport a dozen times probably."

"Really?"

Lena nodded. "If it wasn't for Edmund standing by my side, holding my hand and refusing to let go, well… I'd really rather not think about what our lives would be like if your Babbo wasn't so stubborn."

Meri laughed lightly and looked down at the keys as her fingers struck random notes. "Thanks for sharing that with me, Mamma, but you should know…you never disappointed me. I knew you loved me, I knew you always did your best for me."

Lena smiled and kissed Meri's head again. "But that's just it, Merina. You will have your doubts, as I did. You may feel inadequate or unworthy at times, as I did. But you love the Narnians with all your heart. They will see that, they will know that, and they will love you all the more for that despite any shortcomings you may encounter—few and far between they will be if I know you at all; you can be as stubborn as your Babbo."

Meri gave a little laugh through her tears.

"You were born for this Merina, the daughter of a King. And I think you are right; Babbo has been grooming you for this since the day he met you."

"And, are you all right with me being a princess?"

"I never had a choice in that. I'm still worried, it's true, but I'm a mother; I don't think I'll ever be free of worry. You'll understand one day. However…" Lena brushed back some of the fallen curls from Meri's face. "I have never been more proud or more honored to be called your Mamma."

Meri threw her arms around Lena's neck. "Thank you, Mamma." She pulled back with a gasp. "The ceremony! My face is all a mess. I won't make it in time."

"Hush now, love. Do you think I did not come prepared?"

Lena rummaged through the small bag she had set on the harpsichord. She carefully blotted the kohl from Meri's eyes before re-applying it. Then she freshened up the rest of Meri's look including her hair. Then Meri returned the favor.

"Come now, we must hurry," Lena said.

"It's not like they can start the ceremony without me, Mamma. But still…Sir Kou, we need the quickest route to the throne room."