chapter thirty-one
I'm lying in bed looking up at my ceiling while staring at my fan swirling around slowly, feeling the cooling breeze hitting my arms. My eyes are swollen from crying all night as they are probably red and dead looking. I couldn't sleep at all last night from the fracas that's happened. My mind flashes back to when Freddie and I were arguing and then him confessing he's in love with me.
"I... I'm in love with you, Sam."
This whole thing feels like a dream. More like a nightmare... I was so angry because of Carly, and then my walls exploded putting my anger out on Freddie, telling him what I know in my gut. Then he showed me how he felt by kissing me and telling me the feelings he has kept inside.
We were both emotional because of the conversation and just said how we felt. Mine wasn't so straightforward since my theory was wrong on how he felt about me.
Why didn't Freddie tell me this a long time ago? I would've figured out how I felt back then and made things a whole lot easier. But there's no such thing figuring something impractical so quickly.
My heart has been playing me for months and I don't like waiting too long to know what these fucking feelings are. I already got Uncle Carmine's perspective on them and I think he's wrong. This thing is making me go crazy, and I want to figure out what it is so badly but I can't!
I didn't have a problem feeling this way about Jonah so what's the problem with Freddie?
With Jonah, it was so simplistic like I didn't have to worry about anything. Yet, I was so clueless because I didn't know what he was doing behind my back. After that, I wanted nothing to do with relationships ever again because I didn't want my heart crushed like what Jonah did to me. I couldn't handle that again.
However, when Freddie and I did our first encounter, it's like he changed something in me. He changed everything because that's when the feelings started. Even though Freddie has taken care of me for years, it's something about now that has gotten me to believe that I feel something for him...
Like how much of a gentleman he is when he's not even trying, how sweet he is, caring, smart, and just... wonderful. Usually, that's not what I want in a guy, but I want someone who is like Freddie. Someone who knows how to take care of a girl.
Freddie has all the signs, but does that mean I like him more than a friend? I will never know that answer until I figure it out myself. I have to figure out a way to find out soon because, after last night, I'm not sure if Freddie will even look at me from the way I treated him at the end.
Why would I act like that all of a sudden? I usually wouldn't let my feelings get to me, but I don't know what my heart is telling me. They're a combination of my heart pumping and me admiring Freddie. It doesn't make any sense... but the feelings have been there for months and my soul can't control them.
I want to apologize to Freddie for what I did, but for some reason, I can't seem to do that. I wouldn't know what to say or how to react when he disses me. I don't want to lose him over this, but I don't know what to do. I already acted like an idiot once, and I don't want to behave like that again because of what he did.
He kissed me after confessing, probably, a long-held secret that I never knew about.
I've always loved Freddie for a long time, but I don't understand if the other definition of love can relate to this situation. I want him to know that I didn't mean to push him away, or run away after he did something uncomfortable. I want to explain that to him...
The kiss felt... magical...
What am I talking about? I can't possibly like a kiss that felt like fireworks were blowing out. No matter how much the kiss meant, I still don't know if I could admit what my feelings are yet. I need to figure out what they actually mean to make this friendship work between Freddie and me.
After I've spent two hours in bed blowing my brains out, I took a ten-minute shower, brushed my teeth, straightened my blonde hair, and even applied mascara to cover up my swollen eyes. Then I changed into my blue long-sleeve sweater, jeans, brown leather jacket, and black riding boots.
It's four o'clock in the afternoon and I'm planning on going out to the mall to buy a few things. I wanted to do something to get my mind off of everything from last night, so I want to get some fresh air and go somewhere than being stuck at home.
After I had slipped my boots on, I wrapped my black scarf around my neck since the weather outside is fucking cold for December. My mind remembers how Christmas is coming up soon and I haven't bought Christmas presents yet.
That's why I'm going out to buy a few things. I need to buy gifts for my parents, Melanie, Uncle Carmine, and... Freddie.
Ugh... here we go again thinking about him.
Just leave the house and go to your car, Sam. I thought.
I grabbed my keys from the dresser and left my room, turning the light switch off. As I close the door, I look at the room next door to mine finding Freddie's door half way open with the lights off.
I guess he's not home.
He probably left the house because he doesn't want to see me. I can't blame him if he doesn't; I mean, after what I did, I could've handled the situation correctly without pushing him away and running to my bedroom like a little girl. I should've been more mature than that and talked to him adult-to-adult. I wish I could change my actions and maybe he and I could be interacting now than not speaking to each other.
I turn away as I step towards the front door ready to leave. I opened the door and walked outside in the cold weather, closing the door behind me. After I had locked the door, I made my way to my blue convertible and got inside putting my key in the ignition.
As the car starts running, I stopped what I was doing and thought about last night... again. Why can't this get out of my head?! Am I being punished? Is this a sign of me trying to figure out what happened and what these feelings I keep having?
I mean, what the hell was that?
Something about our fight made things so dense and uncomfortable. I don't like to live that feeling because it's like we're not Sam and Freddie anymore like we used to. We're just strangers living in the same house.
It probably sounds dramatic, but that's what it feels like.
I don't want to be a stranger to him...
I blinked a few times back snapping back to reality and remembered I was still in the car with the car running. I put the car in drive and drove out of the driveway to the SuperMall.
I've been at SuperMall for an hour and already found two gifts for my mom and dad. Right now, I'm heading to Build-a-Bra to find something for Melanie since she LOVES this store.
As I enter the store, I smell the prominent Build-a-Bra "Channa" perfume they use every time I come here, following with a greeting by an employee while I walk in closer to the underwear products.
I gave the lady employee a small smile and walked around the place trying to figure out what my sister would want. Melanie is the total opposite of me. She loves to dress up like an event is every day; she wears dresses, heels, makeup every single day. And me, I like to dress up like I don't give a shit.
So my twin sister, Melanie Puckett, is one of the most complicated people to shop for birthdays and Christmas. She better appreciate what I'm about to buy her for Christmas since she's complicated.
As I'm walking near the bra section, my eyes notice someone behind the bra shelf across from me with their back facing me. They have black hair and wearing a blue plaid shirt from the upper region.
I swear I've seen this person before just by looking at the back of their head. Since my curiosity is getting the best of me, I walk around the bra shelf slowly not trying to reveal myself and poked my head out seeing the silhouette behind the ledge.
My eyes land on the person's face and my throat caught my breath from shock.
It's Jonah.
Sorry for the boring chapter... more entertaining episodes are coming soon! xD