chapter thirty-five

After I've gotten Carly's number, she and I continued our Christmas shopping for our family and friends. We went to the same store to find something useful and perfect for our loved ones. At one point in the mall, I went to the Pear store because I remembered I wanted to get something for Freddie. Even though we're not talking, I still want to give him something. He's been talking about getting something fixed for months so I thought I would buy him something instead.

He's probably the most expensive person to buy this year.

Two hours after completing our shopping, Carly and I went our separate ways as she went back home and I went back to my apartment.

As I was driving on the road, I glance at the rear-view mirror and saw the presents that were sitting in the back seat and thought about how this year went by so fast. It was the beginning of the school year when I started senior year, around the time Jonah broke up with me for freedom, Freddie and I doing our friends with benefits, and here we are... not talking.

I know some part of me blames myself for causing this mess, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to complete my goal of finding out how I feel about the tall brunette. Freddie can be a pain in the ass sometimes when I'm trying to be serious about something, but I was the ass this time. Christmas is around the corner and I want to break this silence between us and be friends again.

I don't like things to get awkward between us.

Once I've made it home, I notice Freddie's car is parked in the parking lot, three cars down to mine.

He's home.

Okay, time to make this not awkward. I thought.

I put my car in park and turned the engine off, pulling my key out of the ignition. I took a deep breath in and let it out smoothly, calming myself before going in the house. My hand cups the door handle and opens it while I put my foot on the ground along with the other one.

My two feet were on the concrete as I closed the driver's door. I walked to the back seat and opened the door, taking out the five shopping bags I bought at the mall. The heavy shopping bags. I held three bags in one hand and two in the other; I closed the door with my behind and locked the vehicle with the hand with two bags since that's the easiest hand to use.

I held the bags in my hands walking towards the apartment complex and walked upstairs to our room number. I dropped the two bags down on the cement and shoved the key in the doorknob hole, turning it to the right for me to hear a click. I pulled the key out of the knob and opened the door midway, holding the door with my shoulder so it wouldn't close. I picked up the two bags again from the floor, opened the door, and walked inside the house.

My god, this is my workout for today.

I walked inside half-way to close the door behind me with my foot. Once the door was shut, I strolled in the hallway to the living room and stopped right in my tracks seeing a tall silhouette in the dining room looking down on his phone.

Freddie.

His face looks wooden as his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes shifting back and forth looking at his phone, scrolling through the screen with his thumb.

My heart is now beating just looking at him. My eyes go back to his face to see his face has changed from what it was last night. Last night his eyes were hurt and disappointed, but his eyes now are filled with anger I cannot describe. I have a guess he's mad at my actions but I don't know for sure.

While standing here, I walked into the dining room and made myself notice I'm in the house to catch Freddie's attention. As my footsteps are getting closer, Freddie's eyes pop up as he tilts his head up and turns his head to the direction of my presence.

His eyes are emotionless as he's staring at me. The whole face seems blank like he doesn't care I'm in the room.

He looks back down on his phone typing something with his thumb. Wow... is he ignoring me? I head over to the table and set the bags down while Freddie is still typing away on his phone. I stretch my fingers from carrying the bags as I look at Freddie to see if he knows I'm watching him.

A few seconds later I decided to say something other than listening to the quiet. "I'm home..."

"I see that..." Freddie says bluntly.

I winced at his tone of voice. He is mad at me... he can't be upset at me for long, right? I glance at Freddie's body to see that he's wearing a lavender polo shirt, navy blue jeans, black Vans, and a black leather jacket. "Uh... did you go somewhere?" I asked softly.

"No, but I'm going to right now. I'm going over to Gibby's place to check on him." He replied exasperated. I remember him saying Gibby is sick and how Carly started taking his place at Subway.

"How is he?" I asked curiously. Even though Gibby is not my best friend, he is still my buddy to hang out with and I get worried very easily.

Freddie looks up from his phone and stares at me, stiffly. "He's fine." He shoves his phone in his jacket pocket then drops his arm on his side. "Listen, Sam, I have to go, alright?" He walks around me heading to the door without letting me answer.

Before he could go any further, I grabbed his arm, pulled him back and made him stop. He sighed and I stood in front of him to look at his dull brown eyes that are not filled with the sparkle I grew to adore. "Freddie, please talk to me." I whispered.

He stared at me while a dishonorable chuckle escaped his lips. "Talk? Talk about what?" He shrugged from his left shoulder as I hold onto his right arm. I start to feel a lump in my throat from how this situation is going, and I don't like it. I need to change this now.

"Listen... I know what I did was..." I trailed off not knowing what to say to him on how I felt. I have so many emotions in my head that are swirling around making my brain hurt from the words jumbling everywhere.

"I don't have time for this, Sam." Freddie starts to walk away again but I kept my grip on his arm to make him stay.

"Freddie please!" I begged. "I know what I did was stupid, and I never meant to push you away like I did last night, I was just... confused."

"Confused? You didn't just push me away, Sam," he yanks his arm away from my grasp and stares at me angrily. "You made me feel like I was a joke for telling you how I felt." He started. I tilt my head down in shame for hurting him so much, and I deserve to be screamed at. "You asked me how I felt about you, I... I tell you... and then you just pushed me away without saying anything. How was I supposed to feel? Do you even know how I felt?" He asked angrily.

He walks closer, towering me as he stares at my eyes coldly. I stayed quiet as I couldn't form words in my mouth. My throat is burning from looking how upset Freddie is inside and out; I didn't know what I did could make him feel resentful. I never want him to be angry about this, but I failed trying to change that.

His face softens as his eyebrows loosen and his scowl turns to a frown. I still look at his eyes while his brown eyes have disappeared to black full of sadness. "You made me feel like what my dad did to me. He left because he didn't want to deal with me anymore... and after what I told you, I thought you didn't want anything to do with me..."

My heart felt like it dropped to my stomach hearing his explanation. I can't believe I did this... I made him feel like he doesn't deserve anyone in his life except his mom in the picture. He wants the people he cares about in his life, and his father already broke that happiness when he was a kid. Now he thinks I left him hanging because I didn't want to be around him after telling me his confession.

I never felt so stupid in my life.

"Freddie... that's not true–"

"Really? Because it didn't look like that when you didn't say anything and ran to your room. I didn't know how you felt, but on the inside, I felt like you would leave me after telling you the truth." He said as his waterline are glistening with small tears. "I'm... I'm just gonna step back and give you space if that's all you want. Because apparently, you don't know how you feel, and I'm sorry for expressing my feelings to you to have it shred to pieces after your reaction. So, if you even want to stick around any longer, you'll know where to find me to make your decision." He said taking one last look at me before walking past me to the front door.

Once I heard the door open and closed shut, I was lost for words. I couldn't feel my voice vocals working as I stare at our silver fridge across from me in the kitchen. My legs started to buckle from my mind lightheaded at the discussion, so I went over to the table and leaned my hands on the cold top to contain my balance.

I thought back at the words Freddie said and repeated them over and over again in my head.

I'm just gonna step back and give you space.

Apparently, you don't know how you feel.

I'm sorry for expressing my feelings.

If you even want to stick around any longer.

You'll know where to find me to make your decision.

The words are spinning and spinning making my chest hurt and my breathing run rapidly. I felt my breath hitch and wheezing as I breathe uncontrollably. Breathe, Sam breathe! I took a big breath and let it out a couple times to get the white light vanish from my eyes and my head to stop spinning from getting dizzy.

Don't freak out... don't freak out... don't...

I feel warm tears fall out of my eyes and splash on the dining room table under me. I start to sob while falling on the chair seat, placing my arms on the table as I drop my head on my forearms crying hysterically.

This is all my fault. If I would just know how I feel I wouldn't be in this mess and I would have Freddie back. I want everything to be back the way it was... why did this have to happen?! Why couldn't we just have been friends and not start this "friends with benefits" thing? But I didn't stop, I wanted to do it with him. Something inside me wanted to do it with him for some reason, and it happened, so why didn't I stop? That's in the past now. What we've had is in the past now. He's mad at me because of how I've reacted, and I hate myself for hurting him. Now he thinks I'm leaving him because he told me how he felt when I asked that question.

If I were in his shoes I wouldn't want to be around me either.

Freddie has never spoken to me like that in my life; we've had fights before but not like this. I've never felt so infuriated at myself... and I've never hurt Freddie before about anything.

I really screwed up...

What do you think is going to happen?