chapter forty-one
This is it. Today is the day I finally tell Freddie how I feel after all this time. I'm so nervous I can feel my heart beat drumming through my shirt.
This day is going to be a big surprise because I still don't know what to say or how to say it correctly. When I came to Carly's house yesterday, we were talking about how I felt about Freddie, and I was being completely honest with her. She was a big help. At first, she tricked me into thinking she was in love with him and then I flipped out telling her I like him. She made me admit the truth without even letting me notice.
She can be a great therapist one day.
Anyway, I'm going through a trance trying to calm myself down, but nothing seems to be working, as usual. When I got home from Carly's yesterday, I went to my room to think about what is going to happen when I tell him how I feel. I laid in bed most of the time staring at nothing but the words jumping inside my brain with possible information to use on Freddie when I talk to him. Then easier enough, I finished decorating the Christmas tree that I left behind and thought I did a good job adding the Christmas lights and the famous angel on top of it.
However, to make things more pathetic, I went online to search up ways to tell someone you like them because I was so desperate for advice. I found nothing that could help me. The only information I found was "tell them in person", and that made everything worse for me!
Ugh! I hate my life. My life is now a drama movie with cliché words and crap. Why can't my life be easy? That would never happen in a million years.
Right now, I am in my apartment 12:30 pm doing the dishes as I try to distract myself from thinking what I'm about to do later.
Scrub... scrub... rinse... scrub...
I feel my fingers prune from my hand being under the water for so long washing these dishes. I can't control myself; I know I have to do probably the most frightening thing in my life, but I can't leave this house! I'm too afraid I'm going to be embarrassing myself when I try to open my mouth to get one word out.
I remembered what Freddie told me before he left to stay with Gibby. He told me I needed space and think about my feelings once and for all.
I finally figured it out.
But I don't want to leave this fucking house afraid! I need to calm myself down... need to calm down. I feel my hand scrubbing the next dirty dish under the faucet, holding the sponge in my hand tightly.
We're gonna make this a pretty plate!
A pretty, shiny plate!
The droplets of water fly over hitting my face for scrubbing too hard and I kept scrubbing until the plate was squeaky clean. Maybe the plate will have a good day because it finally showered and is happy; while I'm over here freaking my ass out for telling my best friend I might have a damn crush on him. And is too stupid for not trying to stop scrubbing the plate and should be marching my ass down to Freddie and tell him the truth!
I dropped the plate in the sink including the yellow sponge and ran my wet hands through my tangled hair. I groaned loudly as I feel my throat vibrating and my eyes shut.
I can't take this!
Relax... relax... relax–
I heard the door knock three times and I get agitated even more. I hate doors! I strolled my way to the front door and opened the door not bothering to look through the peephole.
"What the fuck do you want?!" I exclaimed at the person behind the door.
"Whoa, what happened to you?"
I took a double take on who knocked on my door, and I saw the girl with black hair and brown eyes looking at me worriedly.
"Carly? What are you doing here?" I asked confused.
"I wanted to come by and see how you are, and I can tell that you're not doing so hot." She walks inside my house casually without my permission as I closed the door behind her.
"I don't need your input on how I look, alright?" I said bluntly.
"Well, obviously you're a mess. I mean what happened to your shirt. Are you sweating?" She pointed at my blue tank-top that has a few water spots from cleaning the dishes.
"No, I was cleaning the dish–"
"And what happened to your hair? It looks like a monkey jumped on your head and was your hairstylist." She said cringing. I haven't looked in the mirror since I got up this morning because I was too tired to look at anything, thinking about this day.
"I may look like a mess, but–"
"A mess? You look awful, worse than awful. Are you supposed to talk to Freddie today and you're planning to look like this?" Carly gestured my whole body as I wear a blue tank-top, my black shorts, and my hair a "mess".
"Carly! Look, I know I look bad, but I'm nervous about seeing Freddie today to tell him." I groaned while I walk over to my red sofa, taking a seat on one of the cushions.
"Why are you nervous?" Carly asked walking to the couch, sitting next to me putting her purse next to her.
"I... I'm afraid when I do talk to him that I'm going to embarrass myself and he won't listen to me."
"What did I say about making him listen? If you let him ignore you, then he'll never know how you feel. You have to own up to him and won't take no for an answer." She argued while crossing her arms over her chest.
"I know that, but I'm not good expressing my feelings like this. It was Jonah who would say something like how hot I am and all that stuff, and I would say "yay!". He didn't even say "I love you to me" at all in our relationship..." I trailed off as I shook my head remembering those moments back then when I was too afraid to say I love you to somebody.
"But you loved him back then?"
"Of course I did. He was my first boyfriend and I thought he loved me too."
"Well, if you couldn't say I love you to him, does that mean something?" She asked softly. I looked at her and thought about if she's being serious based on what I said. "I mean it's like what you told me yesterday, you had a crush on Freddie when you were a kid, and you couldn't stop thinking about him. So Jonah was there to help you forget about the boy you grew up with but you never really forgot."
I turned my gaze away from her and looked down on my carpet. She can't be right, can she? I never loved Jonah? But I gave him everything that I wouldn't do for anyone. It can't be possible if I was there for him for five years and then just not be in love with him for nothing. I face Carly again saying, "but that can't be true. I've loved him for five years and had the same feelings I've felt for Freddie."
"Sure you must've cared about him, but that's not the same thing as being in love." She said as she lays her back on the couch.
Wow... so all this time I just cared for him? I wasn't really in love with him than I thought I was. So all those years were lies on my part too, not just Jonah. I mean I didn't fucking cheat on him which he deserved with the hard blow I gave him at the mall. But other than that, I never loved him than I was supposed to. Instead, I care about someone else.
"I can't believe this..." I rubbed my face with my hands confused.
"It's okay, Sam. It's not bad - it's just new information you have to take in. It's better to find out now than later, then you would really drive yourself mad." She chuckled. "So, here's the test," she sits entirely on the couch with her legs crossed while looking at me face-to-face. "When you think about Freddie, what do you think about? Without even thinking just spit it out right now."
She asked, and I just reflect on all the things I love about Freddie. It's hard to choose because he's just perfect and an amazing guy.
"I said without even thinking," Carly said sternly.
"His eyes." I blurted finding the first thing that popped into my mind.
"What about his eyes that draw your attention?"
"What is this, The Wendy Williams Show?" I asked angrily.
"I just want to know because I'm curious!" She cheered, and I roll my eyes at her. "Please tell me!"
"Alright, if it will make you shut up!" She nodded and I cleared my throat going to reason her out. "His eyes... are like something I've never noticed before. They sparkle every time I look at them as if they're talking to me, but I can't understand. They're so brown you get lost in them and can't be able to get out... when he touches me and when I look into his eyes they always show protection. They're just... gorgeous."
There was a moment of silence in the room as I looked at Carly again from my explanation and all she is doing is smiling like a freaking Joker.
"Sam... that's what you need to tell Freddie." She smiled.
"What? No!" I jumped off the couch and looked down at her as she's sitting. "I'm not gonna tell him that!"
"Why not?! If you really care about him, then that's one of the reasons to tell him why!" Carly exclaimed. She stands up and faces me again. "Listen, young lady. This is going to work, and this is going to be done right! You understand me? So this is what I want you to do; I want you to go to your room, wash up, fix your jungle hair, find a cute outfit, and put some make-up on because honey, YOU ARE GETTING YOUR MAN TODAY!" She yelled clapping her hands with a loud smack.
I gave her the best nonchalant face I could give her. She is really annoying me with this "your man" nonsense, she's so dramatic like this is a real movie.
"Carly, this isn't a movie."
"It could be if you believe in it. Now, go to your room and dress up!" She turns me around by the shoulders and pushes my back lightly to the direction of the bedrooms. "I better see you look pretty when you get back!"
I walked towards the two bedrooms and opened the door to my room while shaking my head. Why does this bitch want me to dress up so badly? I hate dressing up as it is and now here she is making me put makeup and probably a dress on.
Like a fucking Barbie doll.
After about thirteen minutes of putting my hair together, finding an outfit, and putting a small amount of makeup on, I think I'm ready for my time going out to see Freddie.
I shampooed and conditioned my hair under my sink and straightened it after I dried it. Now my hair feels silky smooth while I made the ends of my hair curly to have that wavy effect. Then I picked an outfit after two minutes, and it looks decent enough to wear. I found a summer dress that is sky blue with navy blue flowers on it. It's surprisingly hot today for the December weather. Hey, it's nothing I would wear, but for this moment I feel generous. I got my black and white converse to go with it so I wouldn't feel too girly because I don't have time for that.
And for what I despise the most is the makeup. I had to make Carly proud... and I don't want to hear her whining because I didn't put much effort towards my face so I did everything I could. I applied some light brown eyeshadow, two coats of mascara, and pink lipgloss. I wasn't going to go all out, so she better deal with it.
She may be the makeup queen, but I am not.
Once I've looked at myself in the mirror, I nodded my head in approvement and grabbed my phone off the nightstand after letting it charge for a while. I leave my room shutting the light switch and walked to the living room quietly as I see Carly behind her head, sitting on the couch.
She heard my footsteps as she turned around and lets out a gasp with her jaw opened. "Oh my god," she stands up and walks over to me quickly where I stopped behind the couch. "Oh my gosh, you look so pretty!" She clapped her hands like a five-year-old, and I rolled my eyes mentally as she's literally jumping out of excitement.
"Dude, calm down!" I groaned.
"No! I can't wait for this to happen and get to see it!" She smiled while putting her hands on her hips.
Get to see it...?
"What do you mean "get to see it"?" I asked from my thoughts while my eyebrows are raised.
"You really thought I wasn't going to go there and not watch you confess your feelings for Freddie. You must think I'm an idiot for not doing that." She grinned patting my head with her hand like I'm a freaking dog.
"Get your hand away." I slapped her hand away from my head and continued to glare at her. "You're not coming with me to see Freddie."
"And why not?" She gripped her hips with her hands and gives me a stern look as if I'm in trouble for eating a cookie before dinner. "Um, who made this happen?"
"Huh?"
"Who made you admit your real feelings?" She asked still giving me a stern look.
"You?–"
"Who made you get dressed into a cute outfit even though you didn't have a choice?"
"You–"
"Exactly. So I deserve to be there and watch you because I did all the work. I am going to cry and finally watch two people be happy and fall in love!" She shouted while pouting.
"Oh my god..." I groaned again. This girl is giving me a new type of a headache. It's called Carly Syndrome.
"Fine. Fine, whatever! You can come. But I don't want to hear any talking from you, do you understand?" I said pointing my index finger at her.
"Of course, this is your moment." She smiled.
"Okay..." I dropped my hand down and began walking to the front door, picking up my car keys. As I was about to open the door, Carly spoke again that made me want to slap her.
"But I do get to squeak if there are cute moments!"
Kill me now...
Carly and I are in my car as I'm driving to Subway which is where Freddie is working right now. As I'm driving on the road, I think of possibilities of how this is going to work. Am I going to screw up? Am I going to be successful after this? There's a fifty-fifty chance that I might screw up or not, and I'm terrified.
This is a one-time opportunity and I don't want to mess it up. I want to do this for Freddie and for myself. And I guess for Carly...
We're about ten minutes away from the food place, and I can feel my heart beating to where I can hear my ears pumping. This is really happening, I'm going to confess Freddie something that is hard for me to do... and I want to believe that I can do it but there's something in me that can't be able to do that.
I just need to take a deep breath and calm down once I get there. No pressure at all...
"Are you nervous?"
Fuck!
"I am now!" I yelled gripping my hand on the steering wheel. "Why would you ask that?!"
"Because you're tapping the steering wheel in a fast manner. That's a sign when you're nervous about something." Once she said that I felt my fingers tapping the leather steering wheel as my lower hands are gripping the ten and two o'clock side of the wheel.
Oh chiz, I'm going crazy.
Samantha Michelle Puckett, you need to calm your white ass down. "I'm a... I'm alright."
"You liar." She muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"You're obviously lying about not being nervous which you clearly are, so don't deny it. Listen, Sam, this might be hard at first, but once you tell him how you feel you're gonna have a big relief ahead of you." She explained as she nodded her head, proud of what she said.
Maybe she's right. When I do open my mouth and spill the words I want to say, then I won't feel trapped anymore.
I hope this goes smoothly.
We make it to Subway and I parked my car in an empty parking space. I put the car in park and turned the ignition off. Okay, this is it... it's time... he's in there...
"Are you ready?" Carly asked next to me with a cheerful voice.
"No!"
"Don't worry about it. You'll do fine. And besides, I'm going in there so you can't run." She unbuckled her seatbelt staring at me firmly.
"Ugh... I know I can't run. I've worked too hard just to get this far; I'm not going to screw this up." I muttered.
"Outta girl!" She patted my shoulder and opened her side of the door. "Ready?"
I looked at the building in front of me and saw a lot of people in there in line getting their food. Freddie's in there working. Is this a good idea just to barge in while people are there?
You know what, no. I'm going inside and going to make history of embarrassing myself once again.
I looked back at Carly and nodded my head slowly as I let out a small breath. "I'm ready."
I opened the car door and got out of the car as Carly gets out too following with closing the doors. I took a big step and walked to the building with Carly on my side.
My heart is beating. XD