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chapter forty-two

I pull the door open and Carly and I walk inside the place which is crowded with people in line on a Tuesday afternoon. "Man, there's a lot of people here," Carly stated, and I nodded my head agreeing.

I scan around the room to see if Freddie is in here and my eyes stop at the sandwich station seeing Freddie wearing his Subway uniform with a cap on his head, making the sandwiches for the customers.

There he is...

He's here.

Freddie and Gibby are working while the crowd of people is chatting making the place echo. How am I going to get his attention while this is going on? I turned to Carly and faced her with panic. "How am I going to talk to him, he's busy."

"Sam, do you care about the customers or Freddie?" She asked simply. And the first thing that came to mind was Freddie. I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel despite on everything that has happened to us, I want to make us Sam and Freddie again. No matter what it takes.

"You're right..." I nodded turning my back around facing the customers in line.

"Remember I'll be right here." Carly said behind me which gave me a confidence boost.

I march my way over to the line and push a man in front of the line, taking his place getting a "Hey!" from him but ignored it. After Freddie slides the sandwich to Gibby, he cracks his knuckles opening his mouth. "Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?" He tilts his head up, and once he saw me in front of him, his eyes widen as his eyebrows are scrunched together.

I felt my throat giving up on me already as I stare at Freddie looking at me for the first time after our last meeting. He stares at me for a while and opens his mouth and starts to speak.

"What are you doing here?"

I gain the courage to speak as well remembering Carly being here with me as she said. "I came to talk to you."

"Now?" He asked harshly.

"Yes now." I responded feeling my heart pumping trying to regain my balance while feeling slight dizzy going to talk to him for the first time about this subject.

Freddie looks at Gibby for a second as Gibby notices my presence, takes off his plastic gloves and walks around the sandwich station, marching in front of me. "Sam, I can't talk now, I'm working." He said bluntly. In his eyes I see anger as if he's mad I've barged in here and wanting to talk to him while he's working and wants me to leave immediately. However, the other half is telling me that he's concerned on why I'm here and wants an explanation why I want to talk to him so badly.

Well, I'm about to tell him right now.

"I know, and I'm sorry that I came at a bad time, but this is really important, it can't wait." I explained nodding my head. He stares at me a little longer than I thought he would as he swallowed in his Adam's Apple and sighed deeply.

As he was about to say something, a woman probably in her mid-forties with her brown hair in a low bun, wearing a warm gray suit, walks over to us in front of the line showing anger with hands on her hips. "Young lady, people are waiting in line and it's not polite to cut in front of everyone–"

While she's talking, I show my bad side not wanting to hear this stranger's excuse to come over here and give me a damn lecture about cutting in front of people. I turned my direction to her and faced her with the best glare I can give because I don't have time for her crap or anyone else's right now.

"Listen, lady, I'm trying to do something here. So I recommend you stay the hell away from me or else I'm gonna punch you right in the throat!"

The woman winced while her face shows fear the way I want it to look. She turns around slowly and walks to the front door leaving quickly without looking back. I scoffed seeing everyone who's in line watching me carefully as if they don't want to bother me like the woman just did.

Smart people.

I look back at Freddie and saw a small grin appearing on his face while shaking his head. "God, I've been waiting for that time to come," he whispered to himself.

I laughed airily at the thought of Freddie having to deal with these customers' every time he would complain about them. As I remember the reason why I came here, I went back to serious mode and stared at him ready to begin my speech.

"Okay... this is going to be really messy and cliché but I have to say it anyway," I started. "I'm not going to be Emma from No Strings Attached so I'm going to do this properly." Freddie rolled his eyes and gave me his undivided attention while crossing his arms.

I remember the steps Carly told me. Just relax and tell him how you feel... then after that, you will feel the earth fall off your shoulders...

I sighed and started again. "I'm so sorry... again. For what I did. And... I know I should've handled that differently, but I didn't know what to do. What you did caught me off guard, and I was just surprised. And I know why you're mad at me now is because you think I'm going to leave you... but Freddie, I would be stupid to do that to you."

Freddie continues to stare at me with his eyebrows knitted, but the tension on his face starts to loosen as he's trying to relax in the position we're in. "Sam–"

"No! Please... I need to get everything off my chest." I interrupted, pleading with my eyes to let me finish.

He makes me wait for a full minute until he nodded his head slowly, making me continue. I sighed in relief and cracked my knuckles once to calm myself down. "Okay... um... like I said, I'm really sorry for doing that to you, and I never meant to do that either. I would never leave you for anything..." I trailed off clearing my throat.

"And after all this or before this, it got me thinking about what I was actually thinking inside and I was battling with it for a while. It's like they were trying to tell me something I didn't understand and I tried so hard to figure them out, but I couldn't..." I jerk my thumb over my shoulder to where Carly is located. "and then Carly helped me realize how I really feel and that's why I'm coming to you."

Freddie looks behind me as he sees Carly by the entrance door and I watch in sync. Carly sees us watching her and she lifts up her hand, waving at us innocently with a small smile on her face.

Carly doesn't want to be in the center of attention right now because she wants me to continue to what I was saying in the first place. I could see it in her eyes that she wants me to have the spotlight and explain to Freddie what I've been hiding for a long time, and she's right. I need to tell him everything that I've bottled up inside. I sound like a hypocrite because the time Freddie told me about his father, he didn't tell me about it because he'd bottled up his feelings about him inside and it could make you go crazy. And here I am doing the same thing.

No wonder I've been having troubles for a while, well, once I complete what I have to say then the craziness won't be with me any longer, and that's a great feeling I want to happen.

After a while, I feel millions of eyes behind my head staring through my soul. I turn around and see the people who I cut in line staring at Freddie and me shifting their eyes back and forth. It's like they're watching our every move while watching a movie to see if the good part is going to happen.

I realized that I did come here to talk to Freddie at Subway where there are people involved and I did make a big scene when I walked in. But you know what, I don't give two shits about these people. They either want to stay and enjoy the ride, or they can leave and go back to their homes. Their choice.

I look back at Freddie and see he's already staring at me with his face expression blank. Once I found other words I wanted to say, I started to speak again. "Freddie... after what you said to me, made me feel like a huge bitch because I didn't mean to do what I did and I wish I could change that. Your father is a huge dick for hurting you and your mom, and now I know why you would feel abandoned by that, and I never meant for you to feel that way. I always want to make you happy and feel like you're important, I've always wanted that for you ever since we were babies."

He has a look I can't describe and it's making me self-conscious because I don't know what he's thinking. Is he trying to understand what I'm saying or is he not caring that I'm here trying my best to explain myself?

I need to give him more, but I'm afraid to say something I might regret. But this is Freddie I'm talking to, the boy I met a long time ago and is still here standing in front of me... this is my chance... don't blow it! Tell him everything you feel in your heart, not your freaking brain.

I took a deep breath and finally went into my safety place and exposed what I've been feeling inside for months. It's going to be tough, but I have to do this for Freddie and myself, he deserves to know the most...

"That night when we made that Fuck Buddy contract agreement," I heard several gasps behind us but ignored them and kept going. "I thought what we were going to do was crazy, but after thinking about it, I changed my mind and thought how comfortable it would be to do it with you." Freddie shows a slight rosy shade on his cheeks in embarrassment as I'm talking about this in public with people around. "And that night when we had sex for the first time was when I started to feel something... something very scary..."

I felt my throat close up as a lump starts to form in my throat talking about this hard subject. "I... I kept thinking how bad this was because I began to feel something I've never felt before since Jonah. Every time you would touch me, I felt safe in your arms and never wanted them to stop. But when you look at me is where I lose it since your brown eyes show a sparkle and I like that sparkle because they show something that I want to know..." I choked at my last sentence starting to feel emotional. I never wanted to cry but I can't help it, this subject and talking to him about it is making me upset because I don't know how Freddie is going to react after I confess.

Freddie seemed to notice my change of voice as his eyebrows soften looking like he's concerned about my change of mood. Even though he's four feet in front of me, I just want to hug him so I can feel better but I know I can't do that. I don't want to scare him off that easily as it's hard enough to talk about this alone.

"Those times when we would have sex I kept getting that same feeling from you and I've never felt so amazing feeling them again. When I figured that out, it scared me to death because I didn't want to know if what I was feeling would come back again like it did years ago." Freddie then looks at me confused from my statement as it's my time to explain that little detail also. "When we were kids, I did have a crush on you."

Freddie looks at me shocked as I heard gasps around the room even from Gibby.

Oh my god, I'm about to punch these people in the groin if they don't shut up! Freddie was confused even more as I saw it in his face that he wants an explanation. "You were there for me always, and you were my only friend. I didn't think you were interested in being my friend, so I had to let it go. Then I found Jonah who I thought was my everything."

Freddie scoffed looking away for a spear second then looks back at me.

"Yeah... but do you know what's shocking about it? I just realized that I never really loved Jonah."

"You didn't?" Freddie blurted being shocked.

"No... I didn't. I thought I did, but then I realized the signs of me not loving him like people should do. I mean, I cared about the guy and I was devastated on what he did to me, but the love was not there." I explained seeing Freddie looking at me with uncertainty.

"Freddie this is really hard for me to say and it's not easy for me to say so I need you to just bear with me, okay?" I asked hopefully while the lump is still in my throat. Freddie nods his head slowly unaware of what I have to say, or he does, I'm not sure.

I took a deep breath and felt my heart beating fast. I need to do it... I need to do it. There's no backing down now, this is it. And only it. This is not a stranger you just met on the streets, this is the guy you've done everything with.

You need to do it for him.

"I'm in love with you..."