Chapter 31

Sitting in the car beside Alja, Kaleb got increasingly uncomfortable. He had expected her to react in some way she usually did. But she hadn't spoken a word since they left the ball. Instead she sat stiffly in her seat, her gaze directed somewhere on the dashboard in front of her. Had this been her goal – Make him lose control in such a public way? Was she waiting for her superior to get her out? No, that wouldn't be enough. She'd have to push him a lot further to make him fall. His mind was trying to focus on the political implications, trying to calculate as cold as usual. Only weeks ago he'd have comprehensive control of the situation by now and at the slightest suspicion of Alja being consciously involved in a plot against him, she would have been dead. But weeks ago it would never have gotten this far.

Now all he could think of was that he didn't want this to be over. He'd fooled himself into believing he was cautious with her because she might be a trap. But if she was, he had already fallen into it. And the truth was, when the trap snapped shut, the game would be over and he'd lose Alja forever – one way or the other. And he couldn't let her leave, even if she had betrayed him, which was something he – beyond all reason and experience – couldn't believe. Probably she was just scared of being in Pure Psy's crosshairs.

"Does the situation worry you?" he asked cautiously.

That was about the last thing Alja had expected. She was still wound up in trying to figure out how to justify that she'd acted out of control again. The dancing alone she might have explained, which might not matter, because justified or not, there was a good chance this would lead to a political scandal. But her comment about being partial to changelings had crossed so many lines, she was sure she wouldn't get away this time. She drew a deep breath before she answered. "Let's get it over with. I know this will have consequences for me." She was obviously too unstable, her behavior too erratic.

"Your hopes of keeping a low profile are well and truly blown, no matter that it was just a local event. But it might be beneficial to be so visible. Ming won't be able to let you disappear silently now." Not that Kaleb would ever let him get his hands on her.

"That is not what I meant. I just forced you to act in a way that may have severe consequences for your public standing."

"I don't have a habit of letting anyone force me to do things." Plain arrogance coated every word.

A new, shocking possibility shot up in her brain: "You mean you planned all this?"

"Not exactly, no. But sooner or later I would have had to position myself on the topic of Silence anyway. And that way it certainly boosted my popularity with the humans and probably even the changelings. You did extraordinary work."

Alja would have given almost anything to understand what was going on in that handsome head of his. She had either misjudged the situation completely or he was planning so far in advance, she couldn't even count how many steps he was ahead. She didn't know what to say, how to act.

"Do you require sleep now?" he asked next. First he'd get her somewhere safe. Then he'd plan his further steps.

"I can manage a few hours longer. What do you need me for?" No provocation. No hint of emotion. She had transformed back into the perfect, Silent Psy he had met first.

"I just want to show you something. You would probably consider it beautiful."

For a moment her Psy façade slipped and she looked really puzzled. Then she pulled herself together and slightly shook her head. "Why would you do that?" Suspicion uncurled in her like an insidious snake. Of course this was not over.

"As I understand it, you require places in nature for your balance. If I am not mistaken I can provide such a thing. Just open your shields for a teleport."

Alja was still confused by the sudden offer and more than skeptical about the whole turn of events, but she was also intrigued by the outlook to see what this man considered to be beautiful. She crossed her arms inconspicuously checking the blades under her sleeves. Then she allowed the teleport.

A moment later the car was gone and they stood in the middle of a scenery that could have been painted right out of Alja's dreams. They had teleported in front of a small log cabin, set on the edge of a larch forest, half-hidden between the trees. It faced a wide sloping meadow that was covered with thousands of small wild flowers and scattered bushes of which some were blooming too. Even in the near dark of the early morning she could distinguish the different colors of the sleeping buds. They must be vibrant in the daylight. After about two hundred feet the field ended abruptly and dropped away into a steep, rocky canyon. On the other side she could make out the dark outline of tall wooded mountains against the eastern sky that was beginning to brighten with the colors of dawn. The landscape was wild, the smell of the wood and the flowers intoxicating to her senses. It was impossible to hold back her enthusiasm. "This is breathtaking! Where are we?" she exclaimed.

"A place of mine in the Altai Mountains. It is one of the few areas secluded enough so I can exercise my abilities on a larger scale."

Kaleb's voice was calm, almost warm. She didn't even mind the logical explanation. She had missed the real, raw nature for so long. She took a few steps into the field to stand close to one of the bushes that looked like overgrown lavender. Gently she touched one of the slender wisps with its small velvet petals, stroked her fingers across one small leaf that was covered in velvet just the same. It smelled deliciously of sage. Amazed she lifted her fingers to look at them. She was feeling the sensations again. Nothing was left of the numbness. Then she turned to let her gaze sweep over the forest that was still bathed entirely in the shadows of the night. Only a few stars were visible between the crowns of the trees. "I bet you could see the Milky Way from here, if the sky weren't so clouded today. – Oh!" The moment she said it, the cloud layer parted and the clouds drifted out of sight with unnatural speed.

Kaleb didn't even think about it. If she wanted to see stars, he'd give them to her. And the amazed smile on her face was the most beautiful reward he could ever ask for. For a moment even the dark veil lifted off her eyes and they looked a little less haunted. Instead there was a strange kind of need in them, almost yearning.

"It looks so clear out here. Just like the Net," she uttered astonished. "So beautiful. So cold." At the last words she'd lowered her gaze and looked directly in his face.

He felt stripped to the soul by her look. He slammed up all the remnants of his battered conditioning to suppress the impulse to close the distance between them and crush her to him at once. He longed so badly to end this agony of acting as if he was still the man every one believed him to be, although Alja had changed him to the core in the course of weeks. But no, not to the core – that was the place where the monster slept, untouched even by Alja's influence.

Alja knew she was breaking every rule she ever learned by allowing her to feel so much for this man. But how could she not fall for him when he did things like this? Not for the first time he provided her with the sensations she so craved for. He had awakened her senses when she'd believed them dead after the tortures of her training. And now he'd taken her here, showed her the stars… He accepted and respected her emotionality more than anyone else ever had. And she'd be a fool not to notice that their interactions had long surpassed usual Psy etiquette.

But why did he let that happen? Yes, why did he do all this?

A strange cold crept up her spine. She had revealed so much of her nature to him already, although she'd been taught all her life that showing emotion or even affection was practically an invitation to be used by any Silent Psy. And she'd know by now if he wasn't exactly that, if she'd just dared to open up her empathic senses.

She couldn't hide any more.

Carefully she reached out with her empathy – to brush up against a wall of ice so cold, her skin would have stuck to it if she had touched it in the physical world. Her empathy flinched at the sting of the cold and drew back behind her protective shields. All her hopes shattered once more.

Kaleb saw the subtle change in her expression at once. Something dark entered her features. Something he'd never seen before on her. He couldn't tell what it was. He hated not being able to read her. "What is it?"

"Why do you do all this?" The faintest hint of suspicion in her tone. And why did she suddenly seem so distant, almost cold?

"Do what?" A guarded reply while he realized that he had gone too far. He had followed his need to be close to her too obviously. She must have noticed. Of course she had.

"Don't insult me by thinking I am as stupid as your human fan club back in that ball room. You know exactly what you're doing. A Ball. Dancing. This place. You're practically playing every trick in the book to seduce me." Her voice had turned into a sharp, icy staccato.

Is it working? He wanted to ask. He had no idea where the provocative streak came from. Maybe she was rubbing off on him.

Alarmed he realized that that was probably exactly what she did – My ability doesn't break Silence; it melts it away, very slowly but barely reversible once it's done. He'd been wrong! She didn't have to be close to him all the time to influence him. Maybe she just counted on doing some damage to his conditioning and let natural emotions do the rest. That would explain why she always tried to bring the topic of emotions up. She tried to manipulate him, because her empathy wasn't strong enough to do the trick alone. But he would not be defeated that easily. He didn't have to admit how far she'd brought him. Not yet. He wouldn't risk everything for a woman who might be just a paving stone on his road to downfall, set up by the enemies that tried to sneak up on him as he was gaining more and more power. And his loyalty was still bound to another. One with the face of a dead girl. He mustn't forget that again. "You feel. It is logical to make you emotionally attached to me to secure your loyalty and trust." He hated every word he said. But if he didn't push her away now he knew he'd have lost. And he hadn't come so far to be brought down by emotion. He had to stay in control.

Alja hadn't expected that honesty. It couldn't have been worse if he'd punched her in the face. Actually she'd have preferred that to his answer. She had been used as a tool, as a weapon all her life. But this left her speechless. She didn't even know what to feel. He had been manipulating her all the time and the fucking bastard had the guts to tell her to her face. His arrogance really was limitless.

Something inside her snapped.

She was so done playing his game. If he wanted emotions he'd get them.

He played with you. He tried to beat you at your own game. Make him pay. Just push him a little. Take what you want. You know it worked the last time. He'll even like it.

The wicked voice rejoiced in her anger, drew strength on it. And she was more than tempted to follow its advice. It would have been a relief to take her frustration out on him in a very physical way. And she was not thinking of a sparring match. It only fueled her anger that she still wanted him so badly it hurt. But she would not stoop so low. He won't fucking dare to ever put his hands on me again. "Fine. So you figured that out," she spat out.

Her words were darts of ice. He had never seen her so cold. And at that moment he understood that this cold had nothing to do with Silence. She was angry. No, that was not the word – she was furious. And after what he'd just said she had no reason to hide it. He had been so caught up in his paranoid theories he hadn't wasted one thought to how she must react when she was innocent of consciously destroying his Silence. But she didn't stop there. Instead she stepped up to him until they stood toe to toe.

The moment Alja got close to him her body started to reverberate with the echo of their dance, with the memory of that one stolen kiss. And the suggestions of her wicked part were quickly gaining appeal again. "So tell me, how much attachment do you want? How much further would you go?"

She leaned even closer, lifted her face to his until her eyes were boring into his. He could feel her breath like a hot caress across his face. Lush, red lips were all but touching his – a sensual invitation and a dark menace in one. And still she went on.

"How much more touch can your precious Silence take?" She lifted her hand and traced the skin along his jaw with two fingers. Then she let them slide down the side of his neck to linger just above the collar of his shirt her gaze still holding his with fierce determination.

Every muscle in his body locked in place. He must not touch her. But oh, she was beautiful when she was mad. He fisted his hands until his knuckles turned white and clenched his jaw so hard his teeth sent darts of pain into his head. They barely registered beside the raging dissonance that had been warning him all evening and would no longer be pushed aside. Suddenly, just for a flickering moment the lines of Alja's face blurred, contorted into the features of the Swan girl. For once the image helped him control his reaction. But he didn't dare to move a finger while Alja kept on tormenting him with her closeness and her words alike.

"Or are you just gonna tease? Do you think that will be enough?" He lied. He wants you. Just help him along a little! And he really did react. Alja felt his heartbeat accelerate under the fingers she still held over his pulse. But she also sensed his body stiffening at her words. Obviously there was a limit to the sensations his conditioning could take after all. "Yeah, that's what I thought. We both know you're not gonna deliver." With that she dropped the hand but found herself unable to move away from him.

Kaleb heard the deepest contempt in her words. He had still no idea what to say.

"You don't want to play on that weakness of me ever again. You might not like the result! Emotions are my territory and you will actually feel the consequences, if you ever try to beat me there."

Wow you're threatening Kaleb Krychek! That's an outrageously stupid idea even for you! But I think I like it.

Oh shut the fuck up! Alja replied angrily, although she knew there was no way of silencing that other part of herself right now.

"Threats don't work well on me. I usually see them as a challenge." Kaleb replied finally, returning the threat like he had always done in such situations. But it came out halfhearted, because really there was just one wish forming in his mind: Do it, Alja! Project! Make me lose control like you did before! Give me an excuse to touch you again!

Alja knew she should back down immediately. She couldn't. A dark and desperate desire held her firmly in place. Come on, just one little push. That's all it'll take.

Kaleb stopped breathing. One more breath of her flowers-and-rain scent and he'd show her exactly how far he was willing to go. The woman had a temper that made him want to take her right then and there in the grass – like an animal. But probably that was what she liked – cardinal women are quite partial to predatory changelings. The memory of her words made his hold on his Tk slip. Without thinking he directed it away from her the moment it started to spin out of control, although her shields would probably absorb it effortlessly. He wouldn't risk hurting her, no matter how jealous or how aroused he was.

"What could you do to me that hasn't been done to me a thousand times before?" she asked. What would hurt worse than what he'd just said to her? No! She would not be hurt! It was bad enough that he had the power to make her so angry. So she let her next words drip with the bitterest sarcasm. "Oh right. You could kill me. I've had that experience only seven times before. – But you can't break me. I am already broken in so many pieces you'd only cut yourself with the shards." She hadn't wanted that bitterness to come out. And it was a lie. She couldn't risk dying before she had completed the work she'd been born for, before she'd helped her people survive. She needed to keep it together until she found a way – or lost every hope that she'd ever succeed.

Finally she found at least a little self-control, abruptly turned around and stomped off towards the edge of the field. Upset as she was she didn't notice the sudden, violent gush of wind that shook the crowns of the trees even hundreds of feet away in the otherwise still night. She just had to get away, try to calm down. But it seemed impossible.

How had she ever dared to hope, to dream? How could she have been so stupid? She was even madder at herself than at him. She'd lost her way, neglected her purpose for her personal desires. And there was no way she could tune any of those feelings down. Desperation, anger and a very different kind of heat blended to an explosive mix that let the darkness inside her well up with merciless force. It was about to crush all her resistance. Look where your goodness has gotten you! Don't you want to let me take care of it? Imagine what you could have…Then her dark part chose to torment her with a fantasy so vivid, she could almost feel the sensations on her skin: Kaleb stepping close behind her, putting his hands on her waist. Then letting them slip into the sides of her dress, his hands a rough, burning caress over her ribs. His breath licking like a flame across the side of her neck before he laid his lips on her pulse, the scent of thunderstorm and darkness filling her lungs, the heat of a hard male body pressed to her back, his hands moving further up until his thumbs touched the undersides of her breasts…

When she heard the rustling of slow, measured steps in the grass behind her, she spun around, startled. Had she projected those feelings? She half hoped she had and her dark part had taken control to relieve her pain, her hunger. But Kaleb stopped at a short distance, even hesitated before he spoke.

Kaleb was beyond confused, beyond perplexed. But this was not his brain malfunctioning, he had simply no idea how to deal with a situation like this. Until he met Alja his life had been ruled by simple logic. Now emotions messed up everything. He didn't know for sure if she hadn't projected but what Alja had just done, had put a new set of major cracks in his conditioning. And the feelings that were gushing out were even worse than the pain of the dissonance that accompanied them. Desire, frustration, conflicting loyalties and guilt collided inside him so hard he didn't know whether he was coming or going. The only thing he knew for certain was that he had to make up for the terrible mistake he'd just made. "Alja wait! That was not what I meant." Another hesitation. "I was just trying to win your friendship."

Alja registered that somehow his voice sounded strained. She was still too mad to care. Probably he was playing with her anyway. Again she let him see only contempt instead of the hurt she really felt. "You're not that naïve! Even you must know it doesn't work like this. Friendship is something mutual. You have to give something back."

"I can give you something: Protection from Ming and from rehabilitation. I can give you power – should you ever want it, and I'll provide you with an environment that is adjusted to your needs. I just thought it was easier for you on an emotional level." Not good enough, Kaleb thought. He wouldn't have believed himself a whit. Yet Alja seemed to calm down slowly.

"Maybe you should decide whether you want to drive me away or whether you want emotional attachment." Her sarcasm was losing its bite and she already felt her resistance crumble under the insurgent hope that after all there still might be a chance that there was more to Kaleb than cold and darkness. "Just tell me what you want. I think I can handle logic better than you can handle emotion."

I want you to be mine. I want you to love a monster. "Soon we will have an open civil war, which may lead to a revolution. I need your unrestricted loyalty and I need to know that I can trust you. That's what friendship is about, isn't it?"

"Yes it is. And your honesty earns you more of it than anything else." Alja heard herself say. Why was it so hard to stay cold or at least angry? Against everything she'd been taught she had always able to trust her feelings. But now they seemed to betray her. When Kaleb said these things, talked about friendship as if he understood it, she could almost see the boy the NetMind had showed her – the one who had saved a stranger, a human. The one who had seemed so alone yet strangely fit in that scene of chaos and destruction. "But you don't need my friendship. You have my loyalty as long as you don't betray the Arrows. My first loyalty will always be to them."

"But will you trust me?" There were so many things he wanted to say, yet he had to stick to what was logical, what was expected. So he found himself discussing on a political level with Alja again instead of revealing the tumult she had unleashed inside his chest. And it was right. The political situation was what mattered. Soon he would have to face the consequences of his unguarded behavior at the ball.

"If I have to judge by your actions…You seem to have some code of honor. You don't hurt the innocent or the loyal. That might deserve some trust. But you're not very open with your motives, so I cannot be sure."

So the Arrows had been watching his steps very closely. Of course they had. They wouldn't have risked easily trading Ming for another Councilor who betrayed them. "There is not much you don't know, since you tricked my attitude towards Silence out of me. – You know I want power. But I will not abuse it like most of the other Councilors do."

"Ah, it's that old motive. The young, ambitious hero who wants to do it better than the ones in charge. But how can you Kaleb? How can you be better than them, if there's nothing good left in you? If you don't know mercy or compassion?" Oh, Alja if there is any way to talk yourself into any more trouble you will find it, she thought almost resigned. Then again, it might no longer matter anyway.

Alja was pushing him again to discuss that damn topic with her. But he couldn't simply cut her off this time. Not when he wanted to preserve that fragile peace he'd just bought back. "I can because I know neither compassion nor mercy. I'm not blinded by emotion. And I don't need goodness. It is simple logic. The power play of the other Councilors has brought us to the verge of chaos and it would be illogical to proceed like them and risk a Net wide collapse." Only he would tear apart the Net himself, if the pained, twisted creature he'd trapped inside his mind ever found a way out.

"And what will you give them when Silence falls? Another cage? Another Protocol that forces them to deny half of what they are?" Alja knew she should have shut up minutes ago. But he had hit a soft spot. This was what she had been living for, what she must survive for at all costs.

"You tell me empath! Tell me what I should do in your opinion. What do you want me to do?" He already knew what she'd say. She'd try to push him further into breaking Silence, if she hadn't already sensed how far he'd gone. But she stayed mute for several minutes, only to surprise him with her answer.

"I don't know. I want to see my people free from Silence and I want to help them to survive without it. But I don't know how." How had she come to lay open the deepest desires of her heart to this man who would very likely tear out that heart if ever given a chance? It must be insanity catching up on her.

The woman was the ultimate enigma, Kaleb thought, at a loss how to interpret her reactions again. "I was expecting something more political. For example another lecture on the importance of abolishing Silence."

Of course! He wouldn't even understand. For him everything was about power. "Who do you think I am? A rebel? Maybe even the infamous Ghost himself?" Oh great Alja! Just give him ideas!

An awkward pause while they both wished – for very different reasons – that the mysterious rebel would not have been mentioned.

It was Alja who spoke first: "You're giving me way too much credit. I don't have the power to change the Net." According to the NetMind she should have. But she didn't. And she couldn't hide the deep regret it caused her.

"But you want that power. Is that why you're here?" His eyes were piercing her with a look that showed her exactly what power she was dealing with.

"No, I don't think your brand of power would help change the Net the way it needs to be changed." First threats now insults? Are you trying to get us killed? For once the wicked voice was right. "I'm here because at one time the Squad thought you the safest option. I'm just trying to survive." And she was doing hell of a job not being able to resist a man as dangerous as Kaleb. But she had provoked him even threatened him and still she was unscathed. Had anyone else ever gotten this close to him?

But Kaleb wasn't ready to let it go this time. "No there's more. For example your empathy, it influences you much more than you admit." Alja hesitated for a moment. Then something in her expression changed although not one muscle in her face had visibly moved. For a fleeting moment he glimpsed an unbelievable softness in her that made him long to simply pull her into his arms and never let her go. This time he automatically started to suppress the impact of the dissonance, because it started to annoy him.

One more step towards the abyss.

Then Alja answered with one of those challenging smiles he was slowly getting addicted to.

"There is no answer that you'd believe and that wouldn't get me into more trouble, is there?"

It made him want to smile too, the way she evaded the question as elegantly as only Alja could. "You're right. Forget I asked. I guess that much trust takes more time."

"It does." Time she was running out of. "Speaking of time: Shouldn't we get back?" He had guessed too much already. If they'd talk any longer she was in danger of spilling her most treasured secrets.

Kaleb understood that she wanted out of this conversation. And as intrigued as he was by all her secrets, he should get some distance and assess what damage his idiotic behavior had caused. "Yes, I have to attend to some matters. – But you're tired. There's a bed in the cabin. You could sleep here for one of your cycles."

What the hell did he want now? "It takes you a millisecond to get me back. And I'd really like to change. I am not used to this type of clothing." It made her feel vulnerable, not having her practical cargo pants and combat boots.

"That is not a problem. I can get you any of your usual clothes and some food if you want. There's even a shower in the cabin. Or maybe you want to wait and watch the sunrise. I am sure you would find it appealing."

Then she understood and her emotions welled up once more. But this time it wasn't anger that caused a bitter taste on her tongue. It was disappointment. "I thought we were past these games. Don't try to sell me a prison as a reward."

"This is not a prison, Alja. It's only until I have checked our security is still airtight. And I won't…"

"Of course not, it's for my protection," she snapped. "After tonight locking me up in your Moscow HQ won't be enough to keep me out of harm's way. It's alright. It was my own fault that brought me in the situation. I guess I have to be thankful." But her renewed temper was trailing away into resignation at the end of the sentence.

Did the woman have to be so damn stubborn all the time? Then again, he wouldn't have trusted himself either – he didn't, in fact. "I was about to say I won't put Tk shields on the cabin. And I am fully aware Vasic is able to get you out, if I don't. I am asking you to stay."

How could she resist, when he did all the right things? – Even if he did them for all the wrong reasons. And it wasn't so bad after all: Only days ago she'd have given a lot to be closer to nature. "Alright. I'll abide by your judgment and stay as long as it takes."

The answer held no hint of provocation, instead it sounded almost – yielding. She was truly giving in. Kaleb realized he'd been drawn to her challenging nature from the start, but when he glimpsed that fleeting softness in her, it melted him from the inside out. Because Alja didn't yield, Alja wasn't soft for anyone. It felt like a gift that she would let him see that side of her.