Chapter 35

Barely daring to breathe Kaleb leaned against the inside wall of his cabin, keeping out of the shield radius of the woman who lay calmly on the simple bed. He didn't want to disturb her, just watch. She had dropped out some time ago and of course he had reached out with his mind to the cabin and found hers there, made sure that she was just sleeping. The knowledge that she trusted him enough to make herself so vulnerable had tugged off another shard of ice from that place inside his chest, that was slowly filling completely with that strange warmth he'd never known.

Back in the ballroom he'd experienced a maddening, primal possessiveness until it burned in his veins. He had only wanted to mark Alja as his – that woman every man in the room seemed to find attractive. Now that he watched her sleep, only tenderness was left. There was something very fragile about her, something that made him want to protect her and care for her, more than anything in the world. And for a while he didn't even mind the dissonance spiking harder and harder through his brain, because with every minute he was more certain, that Alja was worth every pain, every risk he was about to take. And it was an irresponsible risk to even think about loosening the stranglehold Silence had on his heart, but what Judd had shared gave him hope there might be a way to open up to the tempting emotions that were pushing at the walls of his conditioning.

And while he stood there in absolute silence, he constructed the mental tripwire that would short circuit his powers the moment they were spinning out of his conscious control. It had to be that strict, because even a splinter of his power could kill. But he'd have to test it. He mustn't be slowed down by it. In the war to come he couldn't sacrifice one shred of speed or strength.

Then he raised the pain thresholds a little, so they wouldn't disturb him before it was necessary to check his lethal abilities. But he didn't change any other components of the conditioning, leaving the memories of the dead Swan tied to any strong emotional reaction. He could never be allowed to forget, what he became when he lost control, and he needed the reminder of Her, the sun-mind. He mustn't abandon Her. He didn't deserve to have any sort of life for himself when he couldn't save Hers. It was a cold fact engraved in his conscience so deep and for so long, that he had never questioned the nature of this motivation. He had never even thought that all this resulted from an emotion too. He had never considered that this unknown woman had a steel hold on the conscience he didn't believe he had.

And with good reason. Because if he had any kind of conscience, he wouldn't risk his sanity and the life of millions for a woman that was just –

– perfect. That was all he could see when he looked at Alja.

Maybe he was losing his mind already.

He couldn't know. He had set the tripwire as strict as possible and left his conditioning widely intact to take the smallest possible steps towards the edge of this unknown territory that was emotion. But in the end he knew he'd have to leap into the darkness and just hope that the abyss would catch him gently.

Suddenly Alja's body tensed. At first he thought he'd unconsciously done something to startle her. But then she opened her eyes, steely focus filling them at once. And he realized she was simply waking up, transforming into the cold, hard assassin within microseconds.

Alja sat up and straightened her shoulders. It felt a little odd to have Kaleb find her in this situation. She hadn't wanted to fall asleep after changing her clothes. But since her breakdown some days ago she hadn't dared to drift off for long. And inexplicably she had felt safe enough this extraordinary refuge in the middle of the wilderness. When she looked up, she saw that the first light of dawn had begun to seep through the curtains. She couldn't have slept for more than an hour. Good. Then her eyes were drawn to the man leaning against the wall. He had that relaxed pose again, as if nothing in the world could surprise or shake him.

"The HQ is safe. You can return anytime you like," he said. He wanted to say something else, so many things. But he didn't have the appropriate words.

More like anytime you like, since I'm stuck here without your ability to teleport. Alja wanted to answer, but the provocation stuck in her throat. Something had changed. A very subtle difference in his tone. He didn't sound as piercingly cold as usual. Hope and suspicion firing up her mind simultaneously. But her thoughts stopped again at his next words.

"Do you want to watch the sunrise first?" He pushed off the wall took the few steps towards the door. He just wanted to keep her here for a few more precious moments. "It's still some hours till daybreak in Moscow, and you might not get the chance again anytime soon." Because the grim consequences of everything he and his fellow Councilors had done waited back there and they wouldn't leave them time to rest.

Again that subtle change in his voice accompanied by an almost – expectant look from the endless depths of his eyes. She wanted to drown in those eyes. "Then I better indulge as long as I can."

Outside waited the most beautiful dawn Alja had ever seen. Eyes wide with wonder she let her gaze sweep over the landscape she'd barely seen when they'd been out there before. The sleeping buds on the meadow slowly opened up to radiate their bright colors and intoxicating scents. And the ragged line of mountains that formed the horizon glowed in magnificent pink and orange heralding the glistening orb of light that slowly emerged from behind. And just above, where the orange glowing sky turned from yellow to white and then blue, a small bird of prey drew his slow circles. Her look followed the graceful slope of its flight. Then all of a sudden the bird dropped down with an impossible speed.

Kaleb knew in an instant that something was wrong. He had been watching Alja, following her gaze, wanting to know what it was that amazed her the most. But when the bird swooped, all the joy left her features. Pure shock remained.

"Not again. Not so soon!" Alja stammered terrified. Some part of her mind registered the event was a trigger a second before the memory crashed into her, without any hope to hold on to the here-and-now of reality.

Alja helplessly staggered backwards; her eyes fixed at the empty spot of sky were the bird had been. The ever moving night-sky in them was starting to tumble fast as if it was to collapse any moment. Kaleb scanned the physical surroundings and the Net for any kind of attack. Nothing. Still Alja stared at the sky while her breath went out of rhythm.

"Alja?" A careful question.

No reaction. Just jagged, rapid breathing.

"Alja what happened?" A harsh command.

Nothing. Nothing but mortal terror in her eyes. Cold sweat on her face that had turned pale within seconds. He had never seen fear in her before. It caused a very uneasy sensation to creep up his spine. He blocked it, glad Silence still allowed him to do it to a certain extent. But it was harder than it should have been.

No, no, no, please no! Alja knew she wouldn't make it. Not this time. The trigger shouldn't have set it off so easily. But her psyche was still too worn out, after the breakdown. It was over. She'd never resurface from this horror. She stumbled two more steps back her knees giving under her. She was about to fall. Then she didn't.

Kaleb caught her upper arms just before she would have lost balance. He had stepped right in her line of sight, but her eyes looked through him. She was gone, lost somewhere inside herself. He pulled her closer, one hand around her waist to hold her upright, the other around her nape forcing her to look into his eyes. "Alja – what is wrong with you?"

Sounds – words working their way through the horror inside her. Warmth touching her skin, the scent of thunderstorm and darkness. It brought her back just enough to react.

"I killed him." A toneless whisper. Then a hysterical scream. "I took him out of the sky. I killed him!"

"No you didn't. It was just a falcon who found prey."

"Not falcon… no…"

A moment of recognition in her eyes. Then it flickered away.

White wings tumbling endlessly before her eyes, crashing down again and again. She couldn't contain the memory… She knew he hadn't felt good for so long. It had been easy to project an intoxicating rush of joy into him. The freedom of flying was the only piece of happiness he had left. And she'd preyed on that, made him jaunty, careless. She'd done her job well. Researched which part of their daily route was the trickiest, the most dangerous. One inattentive moment had been enough. His wing had caught in the old power supply line that stretched over the crevice he had to pass. The next moment he was tumbling down. He came down exactly where she'd planned it, his wings crushed and broken on the sharp edges of the rocks. But that wasn't the worst. He was still alive, when she checked up on him. And with his last strength he dissolved into a million colored, shimmering sparks – a moment of incandescent beauty, before his body reformed to reveal a mortally wounded human.

"Ah, finally they sent me an angel of mercy," he mumbled when he saw her black clad figure approach. His eyes held the terrible truth: He knew it had been her. Then his gaze lost focus and his last, barely audible words left his lips. "I'm coming Susannah!"

She had done her job. No one would ever guess at Psy involvement with this one. It would be seen as an accident. A fact that held no solace for Alja.

"I killed him! I killed him!"

Alja mindlessly repeated those words, again and again.

Kaleb tried to reason with her once more never loosening his hold on her body. "Alja listen: whatever this is, it is not real. It is just inside your mind." As if he didn't know exactly how very real something could get inside one's mind. He shoved the thought away. It wouldn't help Alja.

More words filtering through Alja's hazed brain– sense – reason. Then another wave of horror. She had done the unspeakable! She had killed – a man. But it was past, not real now. She tried to hold on to the words: Not real. Yes, she knew that. "Memory – flashback – …" She scraped together the words from her knowledge. She had to anchor herself on something real.

Kaleb. He was real.

For a short moment desperate hope pushed through the encroaching darkness. "Don't let me go. Don't leave. Please."

And just then Kaleb realized how serious it was: Alja would never ever beg for help. But then what in hell had reduced her to the frightened creature that was falling apart in front of his eyes? A flashback she'd said, a traumatic memory breaking in on the mind. He knew what it was but he had no idea how to deal with it. He had never wasted a single moment to learn how to deal with traumatized people. When someone broke in front of him he usually just took control of their mind. It struck him that he'd never do that to Alja. But damn, through those impenetrable shields he couldn't even glimpse inside her mind to see what it was that tormented her. "I'm here. Focus Alja! Breathe!" He kept his voice calm, trying to get through to her. His mind raced through everything he knew about her. Emotional instability – residual – Human contact… physical contact is not necessary or desired. But when he tried to loosen his hold her hands came up and grabbed his shoulders to increase the contact.

Alja's mind had gone blank. Her training, her carefully tended façade was blacked out by the horror of the residual. But there was an anchor, one thing to hold on to. "Don't stop touching me. Don't let me slip away," she begged.

She seemed to see him for a moment. Then her eyes skated off again. She was shaking like a leaf, her skin still too pale.

"I won't. I'm with you." He pulled her closer to his body even as the dissonance slashed out in spite of the heightened threshold. He wrenched down the impulse to unleash his psychic powers with violent control. They wouldn't help with this.

More warmth. Hard muscles shifting under her palms. Faint echoes of heat and desire among the terror of the memory. It wasn't enough. The darkness kept pulling her under, forcing her to relive every death she'd caused again and again.

Kaleb struggled with what to do. He couldn't let Alja slip into that state that had death running through her veins. But touch seemed to be the only thing to get her out. And even though he wanted it more than anything, he was close to the limit of what his conditioning would allow. Images of the woman whose death had turned him into a monster were already burning behind his eyes, warning him to stay cold. But he had to try and help Alja. The tripwire would work, it must. – With her face already so close he touched his lips to hers very lightly, waiting if she'd react positively to more intense contact.

Alja no longer reacted like a sentient being. Only the most basic functions of her mind remained active, exclusively focused on survival. And the savage instincts of her dark part knew what it took:

More! She needed more.

So when she felt the slight warm touch on her mouth, that dark part clawed its way to the surface making her body react exactly the way she had tried to suppress ever since she'd met Kaleb. And the next moment she was kissing him back with desperate violence. One of her hands clawed deeper into his shoulder while the other clutched his nape and fisted in his hair, pressing him harder to her.

And it did help. She could feel him like a thunderstorm in her veins: his brand of dark, electric energy mixing with her own darkness, washing away the horror of her guilt.

Kaleb felt himself give in to the kiss, starting to answer with the same force that lay in Alja's movements even as his conditioning fought to strangle the impulse with the memories of death: In his head the scent of wildflowers and rain mingled with the antiseptic stench of a windowless medical torture chamber. The exhilarating feel of Alja's lithe but strong body wrapped around his in a gesture of pure demand was tainted by memories of fragile bones breaking one after the other under the merciless strength of his Tk.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

The echo of the dreadful sound was far too clear. His control was down so close to the tripwire level he could feel his powers sizzling about to be shut down – if it worked. But it didn't react yet.

Suddenly Alja moved and the next moment she was several steps away from him, eyes wide with shock but no longer pale. Her skin was flushed, her lips kiss-swollen and she was gasping for air. She seemed shaken and confused but the woman who looked at him out of those unsettling eyes was definitely Alja. She was back.

"What…? – Why did you…? – I didn't mean to project!" A confused shake of her head as she was regaining full consciousness. How in hell did she always manage to fuck it up like this?

But now that she was out of the flashback, she seemed to get back to normal pretty fast.

Oops he did it again! The little voice taunted at once. This time he started it. I had nothing to do with it.

Well, probably 'back to her normal state of impending insanity' described it better. Yeah I'm sure you didn't. She answered absentmindedly. Strangely the voice stopped for once, as if it was satisfied by the turn of events.

"I don't think you projected. I made the decision to kiss you on the observation that physical contact seemed to help." The words didn't sound as cool as Kaleb had intended. But Alja seemed too confused herself to notice.

"But you're Silent! You're endangering your conditioning…"

"…which I should disable anyway, as you waste no opportunity to tell me." The woman really was a puzzle. She had just escaped another total breakdown and the first thing she thought about was how it might affect him. "That you worry about it now is highly illogical. Just like the fact that touch should help you, when you said you couldn't really feel it." Luckily his effort to appear composed was working.

"I think I'm recovering. Or maybe it was the intensity…" She could still feel him as if he was under her skin. Even with her senses fully intact it should be impossible. But seeing his face was like ice water to her whipped up emotions. He just watched her with a cool calculating gaze, completely unshaken while she fought to keep it together. Suddenly she felt embarrassed. "You shouldn't do that again. It might destabilize me further."

"You didn't seem to mind just now." He might not be used to physical, much less sexual contact, but the way she clung to him seconds ago had screamed pure desire.

"That wasn't me, not consciously." Alja stopped; realized she made no sense. She tried for logic. Found it at last: "My psyche is fragmented. That way I can mostly block the impact of the empathic rebound and it also helps me deal with the residual. But it comes at a price."

"I remember you said you compartmentalize, but this sounds more like a split personality."

"Not quite. Not yet. But the more I try to split it off the stronger that part of me gets. And it demands that the residual is balanced out by – different sensations and emotions."

It was obvious she had barely avoided the term 'positive' or 'pleasant'. So the part of her that craved his touch was also the one that held her deepest regrets. How else could it be for him? "Why did a hunting bird set you off like that?"

Alja didn't want to think about it anymore than necessary, but she knew it would help to talk about the facts. Putting the chaotic horror into words, counteracting it with reason. "I was still vulnerable after the incident last week. The scene triggered memories of my first killing mission." She started to walk toward the edge of the field, needing the movement to keep her mind focused. "It was a bird changeling. I made him crash during flight using the empathic projection." And even after six more kills that one was still the worst. Using her healing gift to kill had been one step too far. It had almost cost her her sanity back then and it probably still would in the long run.

Kaleb followed her through the blooming meadow unable to appreciate any of its beauty. Again the uneasy sensation spread along his spine, creeping into his stomach. There was something important about this. He just couldn't get a grip on it yet. "I remember your file said you were working among an eagle pack. But there was no mention that an assassination was requested."

"Wing, they call it wing not pack." Alja had turned off any sign of emotional involvement, as if she was talking about some scientific facts. "And the assassination was not mentioned, because it was an off-the-record request from a Councilor."

"Why would a Councilor request an undercover execution of a changeling?"

"I'd say 'ask him'. But you can't. You took his place."

It had been Santano. Kaleb started to feel sick. A threatening hum in the back of his head told him there was something he didn't want to know.

"So you cleaned up a Councilor's personal mess."

"It's what Arrows do." An inevitable finality in her voice. And also a hint of bitterness. Arrows had once been protectors of their race. As wrong as Silence turned out to be, the Squad had been installed to keep that last hope safe. But few of them still saw themselves as that. Decades of the Council's abuse of their skills had made sure of it. And with Silence threatening to crumble, many of them saw their purpose vanish, leaving them with that look of total emptiness on their faces, like Vasic. She felt a sting in her heart, when she remembered his expression the last time they'd met. There was almost nothing left of him. Kaleb broke that hurtful line of thought with his next question.

"But you must know more. What business did Enrique have with the eagles?" He knew he should let it go. Somehow he couldn't.

"It wasn't about the eagles. It was about the cob – the swan."

Kaleb's blood froze. A wave of nausea welled up against his insides and against every emotional block he tried to hold up. He wished Alja would stop talking but the words just kept flowing mercilessly out of her.

"He just lived with the eagles at the time. He didn't bear to stay in his own wing, because the woman who would have been his mate vanished. He accused the Psy of abducting her." They had reached the edge of the canyon and Alja stared down into its shadows, lost in her tale – lost in someone else's pain. "Can you believe he was still searching for her seven years later? How can someone cling to a futile hope for so long?… I felt his relief when he died… I have never met someone who suffered so." Her eyes reflected that deep pain just for a fleeting moment, then her face hardened once more and she was all soldier again. "Arthur Lightwing. That was his name. After I completed the mission…"

Alja went on with her report but Kaleb didn't hear her voice any more, trying too hard to stifle the impulse to vomit. The name had been the final blow. Because that name had been burned into his brain. He had found it connected to almost every good memory he had once played through a frightened girl's mind, while he sought for a way to spare her a horrible death. He hadn't. Instead he had turned into the coldblooded killer his mentor wanted him to be. He had always known that this moment had been crucial in his evolution to a creature of pure evil. But it had never been as clear as now. Everything he had or hadn't done after that day didn't matter. I don't believe such a thing as 'pure evil' truly exists. … It is such a human construct – an emotional construct even, don't you think? Alja's words, but they offered no solace. Because she had no idea how bad it was, how bad he was. His actions had been the cause for her first mission. He had hurt her even before he knew her.

"… Aden took me off the roster for two weeks and kept me mostly out of offensive missions afterwards. That's why I had mostly minor assignments." That was when she turned towards Kaleb who had gone unnaturally quiet while she talked. He stood beside her, absolutely motionless, his expression hard, frozen. But when her eyes would have met his he avoided her gaze.

That was unusual.

"You can stay under my protection as long as you want. I will make sure you never have to harm another human being again. You will decide which assignments you accept. And if there is anything you need to cope with the residual, just say it and you'll have it." He gritted the words out between his teeth, still fighting the nasty sensations that came with his loosened conditioning. "It's getting late. We should return now," he added. But instead of pushing for a teleport he headed back towards the cabin.

If she hadn't known better Alja would have thought he was trying to avoid her. Why would he act like this? She wondered. She had told him far more scandalizing truths about herself and her past and he hadn't so much as blinked. Taking off after him she tried to figure out what was going on: Kaleb had gone quiet after she mentioned Enrique Santano. Slowly it dawned on her that his reaction wasn't due to her past. It was due to his. She thought about everything she'd learned about it from the NetMind, everything she'd learned since she met him. And then the truth hit her like a bullet train. "Kaleb, look at me!"

That was about the last thing he wanted to do right now, but there was a strange brand of shock in her voice. And he couldn't ignore that after the breakdown she had only just avoided. So he stopped and turned around keeping an expression of Silence that was as flawless as he wished his conditioning still were.

"It was your mess I cleaned up, wasn't it?"

He didn't answer. Didn't have to. The knowledge was so clear in her eyes, denial would have been futile. And to see it felt as if his heart was being torn out of his chest. He had never dared to hope for much. But now she'd hate him – just like she ought to.

"How could I have been so blind?" She kept staring at his face as if it suddenly held all the answers.

"Now you know what kind of monster I am." His voice was so toneless it was a wonder it was audible.

"No. Now I know you're none at all."

"What?" The single word dropped out of him dumbfounded. There was only one possible explanation: The woman was positively insane.

But Alja had just understood something that she hadn't been able to see before. She had always thought that the set of emotions that was lying underneath all of his behavior must be very complex. But there was no set of underlying emotions. For Kaleb there was just one. "Guilt. That's what it is! That's what you're hiding under all this Silence. You never knew anything else. And it's eating you up from the inside."

"You're still in shock. Maybe you should get treatment." He was definitively not going to discuss this with her.

"Don't you understand what that means? It means that there is good in you, because bad people don't feel guilt." Alja had forgotten all her pretense of appearing the perfect Arrow. The impulse to heal was just overwhelming now that she had a clue what was wrong with Kaleb. Her Kaleb. There was hope for him.

"I don't feel it either. I'm Silent," he insisted.

"Yes, you don't allow yourself to feel it. But it is there. And it drives your actions. If you just…"

But he didn't let her finish her sentence.

"Don't try to fix me!" He stepped as close as he dared, but he didn't trust himself with touching her. His voice was brutal, a reflection of the lethal power that was a part of him. He had to make her see how much he had held back with her so far. He wanted to scare her, make her see what she still denied. "I will never be good. I am the cause for the memories that almost crushed you – again."

"You're also the cause they didn't. You even risked that very conditioning you find so important to bring me back." Alja stubbornly held his gaze against the instinctive impulse to back down. The stars in his eyes gleamed so fierce they might as well be glinting tips of daggers pointed at her. She refused to be intimidated by him, almost glad she could make him let down his civilized façade for a moment even if it caused icy shivers to run down her spine.

"Why do you still want to see something in me that is not there?"

"Why are you so determined to deny that something is there?" she snapped at him frustrated. But she knew she was being unfair. She expected far too much. Maybe it was time to give them both a break. She blew out a breath. "I'm sorry. I won't push you on this any further. Who am I to judge you, if Silence is your solution?" It took all the strength she had to let this go.

"Good." He gave her a simple nod. Finally she had understood. A part of him felt relieved. But another part of him cringed with unknown pain at the loss. She gave up on him. Not even Alja dared to face the truth of what he was. It hurt so bad, it even startled the monster in its cage. He could hear it groan and push at the merciless walls that entombed it.

But he should have known Alja better by now.

She wasn't finished. She just needed a moment to gather the courage for her next words. "I will take your offer of further protection and I will rely on your consideration for my emotional nature and needs." She spoke calmly and focused, almost like a true Psy, but there was warmth in her voice too. "But I want you to know that I may be able to help you one day. I can show you there are other emotions that are worth facing your guilt." When he would have spoken she quickly added. "Not now, but maybe when all this is over, when you are ready, you will let me repay you with my help." She felt strangely calm, just like the night he'd sought her at the gym. This was who she was meant to be: someone who offered help, healing and above all hope – the one emotion with the potential to guide people through the darkest nightmares.

"Another deal then," he answered. His voice strictly contained. "But Alja – don't wait for the day you'll have to hold your end of the bargain. It might not come – ever."

Alja took a deep breath, released it slowly, let all humanity vanish from her appearance too. It was hard, but she hadn't lost all her behavioral controls yet. "Alright. Will you tell me about the mimicry job then? I'll have to decide if I can do it on our new terms."

"We will infiltrate the highest ranks of Pure Psy. I had it confirmed that the individual whose mind you'll be copying has direct contact to a man named Andrea Vasquez. He was Henry's strategic general. If we can locate him in the Net I get access to a lot of insider knowledge, including who runs Pure Psy now."

"I take it that 'getting access' doesn't mean you'll talk to him over a cup of tea."

"Taking him out it will rip a huge hole in their resources. But you won't have to do it, of course."

"Of course. You just have to know, you can also neither kill him when I'm linked to you in the Net, nor when I'm physically close by. Both ways I'd feel his death even if I'm not the one to deliver it." After everything he had learned about her she didn't need to elaborate what would happen to her if she was forced to feel it.

But nothing in Alja's countenance betrayed that she was not completely cool with killing someone otherwise than that it mustn't happen in her company. She had survived decades among the deadliest assassins after all. "I only need you to be able to get to him. As soon as I have a lock I'll take you out."

"Then count me in."

"If you're up for it, we can go in tomorrow – or more accurately today. It's probably best not to waste any more time. We should strike before they can."

When Alja was finally alone in her quarters the whole weight of everything that had happened crushed down on her. She lay on the bed fully dressed, trying to relax her body, when her mind refused to. It just kept spinning around all the things that had happened.

Within the last few hours she had irrevocably entangled herself in the politics of a war that was likely to devastate her people – and first of all herself. Then she had learned how thin her shields against insanity had gotten: Even the smallest triggers could cause cataclysmic breakdowns and the wicked voice of darkness grew louder with every new unsettling event. She could snap any time now.

But she knew that wasn't what wore her down to a point where she didn't even know how to go on. She had lived under the threat of death and insanity her entire life. And she always knew she'd probably run out of time one day.

It was what she'd learned about Kaleb. She had finally found that trace of emotion in him, a chance of goodness linked to a terrible crime. She had come closer to him than ever before, just to find that fate had put an impassable gulf of guilt and Silence between them.

Even worse were the doubts that kept nagging at her. She'd told him she didn't believe he was a monster. But on what basis? Some long ago act of mercy the NetMind had shown to her? Or simply because she refused to accept that the man who made her burn for him was a cold sociopath like his mentor? He had admitted the murder of an innocent woman and she had seen guilt all too readily in him. What if she was wrong and a monster in a civilized shell was all that was left of him? But then, how could he have kissed her like that? How could he make it so hard for her to believe there truly was no hope?

It didn't matter, she realized.

Don't wait for the day … it might not come – ever.

Whatever the truth was, Kaleb had made it clear he would probably never want to be anything but Silent. She had to acknowledge the fact that it might be better that way.

And tomorrow she would help him kill someone. Just what she'd always done. The difference was that until today she'd had to, to survive. But not now. She had a chance to back out. He had given her a choice and still she'd said yes. Because she'd give him everything – no matter she'd never get anything back. For the first time in her life she wished she truly could be Silent, escape that ravaging pain, that gut deep longing she hadn't thought herself capable of.

She had believed she knew what she was missing when her senses were numbed and fleeting human contacts were her sole source of emotion. But she had had no idea that she could ever be starving for someone. Yet she was – for Kaleb. For his closeness, his touch and his untamed energy that chased her demons away.

?

The NetMind brushed by her with a caring caress. It must have sensed her distress.

I'm ok. Just a hard day. She tried to soothe it.

He helps. A picture of Kaleb's mind.

Yes, he helped me today.

You heal? The same picture it had shown her over and over again: Her mind projecting emotion throughout the Net, giving it back life.

Guilt hit her hard. She hadn't thought about her one life-task in a while, distracted by her feelings for Kaleb. I don't know how. It doesn't work. And she had tried so hard and so often.

Trust him.

The same advice again. But how much more was she supposed to trust Kaleb. She was still unsure if telling him the whole truth wouldn't get her killed. And the enigmatic pictures and advices didn't help a bit. She wasn't one step closer to fulfilling her destiny. Instead she endangered herself in political hazards and she had fallen body, heart and soul for a man who was never going to be hers. And there was nothing she could do against it. She craved him so badly it felt as if she was torn apart at the seams.

Even the vicious little voice wasn't mocking her for once. It just whispered its tempting suggestions. You want something for yourself, just once in your life. Is that so wrong? You know you could make him feel for real.

No not for real. It wouldn't be real.

And she couldn't make herself forget that, no matter how great the temptation was. She turned around and buried her head in the pillow. And then she did what she had not done since her very early childhood: She gave in to tears.

It wouldn't be real, but maybe it would take away some of the pain. She heard one last whisper just before she drifted off to sleep.