Chapter 38

It had been six days since the ball. And Alja hadn't seen Kaleb ever since. On the morning after, she had set out to his office for the appointed meeting. Silver had caught her in the corridor, telling her that the Councilor's plans for the day had changed and she was scheduled for shield counselling instead.

At first Alja hadn't thought much of it. It was logical that Kaleb had other things to do after their scene at the ball. It had made quite an impact on the political situation.

The war that had been covert so far had hit the media with full force. NewsNet like any other Psy associated Media platform was brimming with pro-Silence propaganda. It seemed like a hastily and sloppily slapped up program: They had dug up old footage from the first days of the Protocol and mixed it with pseudo-scientific studies about insanity rates of Psy on and off the Protocol. As Shoshanna owned most influence on the media it was clear what her position was: Make the public believe Silence was still their salvation. It worked only partially, because the human and changeling operated media did their best to counteract the propaganda.

And some Psy started to listen, especially since Nikita Duncan and Anthony Kyriakus had given interviews on CTX distancing themselves from the official Council broadcasts. Ming LeBon and Tatiana Rika-Smythe hadn't joined the media discussion so far but the rising rehabilitation rates in their sectors made it obvious on which side of the line they stood. Kaleb had released only one short and very enigmatic, official statement yet. Otherwise it was as if he'd vanished completely, leaving everyone, including Alja to speculate about his designs.

The split in the Council was mirrored by a split in the populace. The Net was already buzzing with dissent. Some supported if not the means at least the goals of Pure Psy. Others were talking of rebellion and possible defection. It was only a matter of time until it got violent.

Pure Psy itself was behaving suspiciously quiet. Alja knew that could mean only one thing: They were planning on something big. And if what Kaleb had told her was true she was his best asset to find out what it was and how to sabotage them. Still he hadn't answered any of her messages. Instead Silver was stonewalling her whenever she thought he might be in the building and approached his office.

People were going to die and she couldn't help them. She was as far away as ever from finding a way to do what the NetMind expected from her. Everything she'd tried proved a failure. Instead she was confined to the HQ unable to do anything helpful at all. She was close to breaking under the pressure of the responsibility she couldn't fulfill. And her unhealthy obsession with a man that had declared he wanted her friendship and trust just to refuse all contact afterwards did nothing to stabilize her fragile mind.

Maybe you did get under his skin after all. And he's trying to prevent you from getting even deeper. Ever thought of that? Oh no, you're just too noble to think of your own desires when you have such a big job to do and no idea how. She tried to tune out the annoying voice of her dark part whenever possible. It was not successful any longer.

She had even thought about accepting Aden's repeated offer to get her out of the assignment, but she found she couldn't leave, even if it hurt more from day to day. It probably didn't matter anyway. She had had two breakdowns within a week and she felt her mind crumpling like paper under the pressure of everything that happened. She wasn't going to keep it up much longer. Kaleb most likely acted as a catalyst for her condition, but she had been falling for a long time and now she was about to hit the ground.

Suddenly she knew what she needed. And this time security wouldn't stop her. Maybe she'd even get a reaction from Kaleb after all. So she sent him a short message to his organizer, sure he always had it with him and was ignoring her on purpose.

"As you requested I am now alerting you that I am getting close to another breakdown.
I'm heading out for human contact tonight, so I will be fully functional, in case you ever need my services.

A. Dardo"

The effect was immediate. He appeared in her office seconds later acting so perfectly cold and indifferent one might have mistaken it for anger – in someone not Silent.

"You can't go out. You know that." He shouldn't have come, Kaleb thought at once. Seeing Alja was a kick to the guts that just served to let him know how very unsuccessful he had been rebuilding his conditioning. But he couldn't risk that she found a way to get out alone.

"Why not? You don't seem to need me anyway, which is absolutely illogical. I know the mental mimicry was crucial for your dealing with Pure Psy. Yet you keep postponing going into the Net with me." She got up from her desk, walked around to face him directly.

"The last time you linked with me, someone tried to pin trackers on you. It's a security risk." He knew Alja was too clever to believe such a flimsy excuse. But he hadn't prepared to come up with anything else. In fact she'd gotten him right out of a meeting with Silver, which was very dangerous because his instant reaction to her message might make him seem weak in the other woman's eyes. And he couldn't afford to lose the Mercant family's loyalty. But letting Alja walk into danger was even less possible. And he knew full well that left him skating on very thin ice.

"You can switch location a few times before we link and there'll be no problem. They can't follow you that fast." Now that she had him here she wouldn't let it go that easily.

"I am not discussing my decisions with a subordinate." Well now he was stooping low, but as long as she stopped digging into his motives to keep away from her anything would do.

"Alright. Then I'm not discussing my private matters with my superior. Just know I'll be off duty tonight for at least twelve hours, since I'll probably have to drive." She had sworn she wouldn't let him see her anger, which was not entirely successful. Well at least she didn't fall apart in front of him again.

"It's too dangerous. Everyone including your contacts knows your face now."

"How stupid do you think I am? They only remember me when I unlock their knowledge. And I can correct their memory before I do." It was a pitiful excuse for real friendships, but all she had. "I might be weak but I can control a few humans."

Kaleb didn't like to have his options cut like that but the pressure was rising. He had to give in at least a little. Maybe it would be enough. "Alright then at least pick somewhere less public than the last time. I'll take you wherever you want." She probably truly needed her contact and he owed her to bring her there, unable to give her any support himself.

"I can go the home of my contact from the truck stop." Liza had offered her to come, if she was in trouble. And she really needed her warmth and affection.

"You can't." It was the one contact Alja could never go to again, Kaleb knew for certain. "She might be compromised."

"What does that... wait! How do you even know it's a woman?" A sudden fear made her stomach clench, before she could even think of the implications of what Kaleb had said.

"I just guessed. What does it matter?" Why couldn't he think of something better? He could usually lie with such ease. But not to her. Those sky-fall eyes that were rapidly getting more restless seemed to look right through him.

"When she's compromised I have to make sure she's safe." Relentless determination in every word.

It hit Kaleb that he was never going to talk his way out of this. He had failed to protect Alja again. And she was about to learn. "Unnecessary. I took care of it."

Alja froze. "What did you do to her?"

"Nothing. I did absolutely nothing," he gritted out. And it was the truth.

"Then what are you not telling me?" She couldn't keep her voice from shaking.

"Just pick another contact." It was his last try although he knew it wouldn't work. He had to hurt her once more, even if she was breaking already.

Alja felt the walls closing in on her, leaving her no way out. But this time she'd fight. "Forget it. I am not going anywhere near them until I know what happened to Liza."

"Someone must have known she was connected to you – like someone knew Marino Ghetty was." It was the most careful way to put it. Still every word cut like he was chewing on glass.

"No." It was a whisper. Her hands started to tremble first, then her jaw. She clenched it tight until it hurt. The world started to blur around her. Some part of her mind noted that it was because of the tears filling her eyes. "They all die… because of me." The weight of that guilt had her voice break. But something inside her went suddenly quiet – frighteningly quiet, like a storm gathering. "I want to see it," she said after a short pause.

Of course she had understood at once, but showing her the new 'delivery' he had received for her almost a week ago wouldn't do any good for her stability. "I don't think that would be a wise idea." He kept his voice low, measured. It didn't have the intended effect of calming her.

"I want to see the fucking head!" She almost screamed. So much about not falling apart in front of him. The wicked voice scorned her. This time she didn't mind. She understood its contempt, its anger. Felt it. And she was so sick of directing it at herself.

"Alja you need to get your emotions under control. You can't walk around like this." Kaleb just wanted to hold her, but he mustn't touch her or he'd hurt her even worse. Like in his dream.

But suddenly her tone changed from desperate to cold – very, very cold. "No. You know what I really need to do?" She made a pause. Focused her eyes on his, the calm in her tone getting even more chilling. "I need to kill Ming."

It was even worse than he'd expected. "He's manipulating you. You're reacting fully emotional. That's exactly what he wants."

"And I'll let him know that it's working. Maybe I should have scared him to death the last time." Alja heard how cold she sounded but she helplessly watched herself tumble into a madness, she no longer had the will to resist. The world had transformed into a red haze of furious hate and anger that felt hot and cold at the same time. "But I'll make up for it. I will make him feel all their deaths and every sliver of darkness he poured over my soul. Make him taste the poison he made me swallow when he forced me to hide in an Arrows disguise."

That was when Kaleb knew something was very wrong with Alja. This was more than a nervous breakdown or a flashback. "Alja I understand your anger but even if you could survive killing another sentient being, you have no way of getting even close to him." Kaleb argued although he was no longer certain logic worked with her. But it was all he had.

A hysterical laugh sliced through the air like a naked blade. "You understand my anger? You understand nothing about me! I don't even have to get close to him. You can kill him for me." Alja no longer could hold back the words that blurted out. Her last bit of control focused solely on stopping herself from projecting her anger out, making Kaleb want to kill just as badly as she wanted it.

"Killing Ming would destabilize the Net. You wouldn't risk the life of so many." But he was no longer sure about it. Right then he would have very much liked to do exactly what she suggested. But that hadn't any thing to do with projection. Or had it? There was nothing left of Alja's warmth. It was as if her personality had vanished to be replaced by a creature made purely of hate, contempt and savage desire. The usually pristine stars in her eyes had dimmed to flecks of an eerie red-violet glow.

"I don't care for our sick, fucking race. Shall they all die!" she screamed.

"Alja this isn't you. You're talking crazy." But she seemed strangely contained even in her anger, her figure rigid, hands fisted at her sides. She looked as if she was about to explode.

"Oh yes it's me! It's just a part of me you didn't know before. You think you're the only one with darkness inside? Yeah! You think you're so unique. But you're not!" she spat at him, the fire in her tone receding to give way to a dangerous kind of chill.

Kaleb had the very distinct notion she had just told him something very important, but she went on before he could follow up the thought.

"You think I am better than you because my body count is only seven? You're Silent. You could tune out that your victims were sentient beings. I killed in spite of knowing, of feeling exactly what I was doing to them. I was going against my very nature. Now who's the monster?"

"That's not the same. You're not evil." He refused to believe she was consumed by the same darkness he had seen in so many of his race, the same darkness that lay inside him.

"I am an aberration. A healer turned into a weapon. You have no idea what I can do! I can make you kill for me! I could make everyone fall to my feet. I could torture them and make them love me for it!" That truth had been burning inside her for so long. Now the flames ate their way out without mercy.

"Alja you would never do those things. You're no monster." Kaleb felt a chill creep up his spine at the imagination of what Alja had said, because he knew she probably told the truth. He had simply never seen that potential in her.

"I am an empath who killed. I am a Monster! I am just as dangerous as any Psy who dares to try a life without Silence! You should probably have me rehabilitated. – Ah no, you want your precious weapon, don't you? But what if I don't get stable enough to use me safely?"

"Rehabilitation is not an option for you."

"Why not? I am going crazy, insane. That's what we do when we're not Silent, isn't it?" Another hysterical laugh escaped Alja's throat. Part of her still registered what was happening. She'd always known that day would come: the day that proved that empaths were harder, but not impossible to drive insane. "You know the good thing about this? I don't care anymore!"

This wasn't leading anywhere, Kaleb thought. Alja might still be talking but reason wasn't working with her anymore. She wasn't so contained because she was about to explode, she was falling inside whatever horror lay inside her again. And it drove him insane that he had all this power but he couldn't take this pain out of her. He couldn't protect her from the one thing she really needed protection from: The darkness inside herself. It was not an enemy he could fight. Not the way he was used to fight.

He had to try something else to get her out. Touch. He knew it would help, but he couldn't risk having her too close again. Brutality was the only other thing he could come up with. So he shook her out of it – literally. He grabbed her upper arms tightly and shook her hard to bring her focus back out, using even harsher words. "You're an Arrow. Someone who is in control instead of breaking under the pressure of some psychological warfare tricks." Because that was exactly what Ming did to her. "I know you can keep it up better than that. So pull yourself together and use whatever skill you usually use to get a grip on this. Then we will find another solution."

The physical stimulation and his unfeeling words finally got through. "I'm not breaking. I'm an Arrow. I'm an Arrow." Alja's voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "I am in control. There is only one me," she repeated that over and over, while she wrenched the anger of her dark part down with sheer force of will. But she couldn't risk another split. She had to endure the pain that came with it. And she finally understood why so many of her race gave in to violent forms of insanity: The anger was easier than the pain, the suffering, the helplessness against a world that forced her to suppress her very nature.

After a while she pulled away from him, her eyes clear but restless once more. Her voice was calm and so desperate Kaleb instantly wished her anger right back. But he let her go the instant she reacted, not daring to touch her any longer than absolutely necessary.

"There is no other solution. I lied when I said I deal with the residual. Because I don't." With the rage dissipating every word she said held pure resignation. "I hate Silence and yet I sometimes envy you for it. You'll never heave to know how it is to feel every last frightened moment of their lives. But I know. Their deaths are burned into my soul." She thumped a fist against her chest where she could already feel the guilt and horror uncurl. There was no way to halt the momentum now. The residual would crash in and it wouldn't let her get out. And she couldn't fight it on her own, not anymore. "And their voices haunt me. They haunt me in my dreams and every waking moment, calling for me to join them. They are so tempting."

In those last words sounded a deep longing that was accompanied by a faint and very distant smile. Kaleb felt a shudder run down his back. Because he knew exactly, what she was talking about. He had buried that knowledge deep in the core of his mind under layer upon layer of Silence. He had seen it once and slammed the door on it to never open it again. It was a wonder Alja hadn't broken so far. She must have been dancing on the edge of insanity all the time. Just like himself. And he had no solution to offer. Locking the darkness under Silence hadn't even worked for him – much less was it likely to do anything for her. "There must be another way to tune them down. You said you can balance it out with something else."

The voices in her head were already too loud to let her hear the shiver of desperation in his. "I can't. I have exhausted all my strategies."

For a moment he thought about leaving her alone. He had sworn not to allow himself any more risk. But he couldn't. He had tried so hard to be reasonable, tried so hard to keep away from her. But he couldn't bear to leave her like that. Not when he knew, when he felt so precisely what she needed. He just wasn't good enough to go. He'd do what it took no matter the cost. "What about touch? It has helped you before. I can give you that."

What?! He was only going to make it worse. She knew he couldn't give her what she really needed, only a bland taste of it. And it would make the darkness in her scream even louder for the 'more' she'd never get. "No you can't! You don't feel! You don't even know what –"

The rest of her sentence was lost, when he pulled her into his arms. And when she tried to struggle, he just pressed her closer, holding her head to his chest. His voice, when he spoke was so calm it seemed almost gentle.

"I am someone who wants to give you comfort, for whatever reasons. And it will not harm me. Can't that be enough? Just for now."

She wanted to tell him 'no', but she had longed for this so badly, she found she did not care whether it would ever be enough. She just wanted to take all she could. She needed his closeness so badly, there wasn't even place for guilt about not deserving solace. It just felt so right. He felt right. And what surprised her most: he felt safe. And she knew it wasn't only the touch that helped her. It was Kaleb. Only he could soothe the scorching anger and the desperate fear inside her. Only he could keep her demons at bay.

Kaleb felt it the moment Alja gave in. Her arms came around him, her fingers curling into his back, her shaking frame pressing close to his body. How much pain had she been holding back all the time? It made the raging dissonance in his brain seem negligible. He held her for long, silent minutes before speaking again. "Let me take you to your rooms. You need to recover, physically and mentally."

Her shields flexed instantly. So much trust. It broke him. How did he deserve such trust?

Alja felt the world blur around her and the light change. The next moment they stood in her bedroom and she felt her legs being swept away under her. Kaleb swung her up onto his arms to carry her to her bed. When she looked up at his face she saw nothing but steely determination and focus. She felt telekinetic energy flow out of her shields and saw the covers on her bed shift away. Then the energy tugged at her boots and she had to allow it close enough to her body to remove them. And without breaking contact to her body Kaleb put her down on the bed and lay beside her.

Why did he do this? How could he even? Alja didn't want to think about it. She just wanted to hide in his arms and forget everything outside.

Insane. She knew she must have gone insane. No one in their right mind would feel this safe in the heart of the trouble around her and in the arms of a man like Kaleb Krychek. "I'm broken. And I can't be fixed," she murmured unaware what she even wanted to say, her eyes growing strangely heavy.

"No you're strong, too strong to break. You just need some rest. Sleep! I will stay and make sure you're alright," he answered, sounding less cold than ever.

Yes, when he was there the nightmares wouldn't come, Alja thought. And within a few breaths she relaxed into a state of blissful unconsciousness curling into the heat of his body and the safe-scent of him.

Kaleb heard Alja's breathing become more even and felt the tension leave her body. He waited for her to drop out of the Net, but she didn't. Instead she shifted to cuddle close to his side, one arm reaching across his chest and up to his neck, where her hand landed on his skin. A shockwave of sensation shot through him, closely followed by the response of the dissonance. But he barely registered it, mesmerized by what happened next: Liquid shields flowed around him on the physical and the mental plane alike. But Alja's face was peaceful, her eyes slightly moving behind her closed lids. She was asleep. Only instead of dropping out she hid her mind by linking to his. She bound herself to him in her weakest moment. How on earth was he supposed to resist any longer? Somewhere in his mind there still was the idea that Alja might be a trap. The problem was just he no longer cared. Even if she turned out to be his nemesis, she was still his and he was going to keep her.

Which left him with a problem: Holding on to his conditioning was definitely not working. The emotions just came crashing in harder. And they still got mixed up with pictures of the girl he had killed and the sun-like mind he had sworn to save and protect – memories that no longer held the impact they once had. He had looked for salvation, for his own personal redemption to a dream the NetMind had showed to him. But maybe it was not that mystic woman with a mind like the sun, who might or might not hide in the depths of the Net, who could give him back what he had lost. Maybe it was this beautiful Arrow with her many faces and her sky-fall eyes that saw far too deep inside him, who understood him on a level no one else ever could. Because she had her own twisted darkness. Because in a way she was just as broken and lost as he was.

I could torture them and make them love me for it…

A loaded gun with no safety catch…

Maybe they were both doomed, but he couldn't keep hiding behind Silence, when all Alja needed was emotion. It didn't matter if the whole planet paid for his recklessness. If Alja needed him to feel he would. And he couldn't risk the memories he'd connected to the Protocol to wake the monster. Maybe without them he could forget its existence again and be the man Alja needed.

So while he held her, he unraveled the parts of his conditioning that held memories of the swan girl and Her – the sun-mind. I swear I will still try to find You. But I have to be able to take care of her. I can't let her suffer – not even for You. A silent promise to the dark void of the PsyNet before he started to build whatever poor, irresponsible excuse for a proper conditioning he could come up with. Although the really conditioned parts of the Protocol had stopped working ever since Alja was close to him, he could still set mechanisms that would induce pain when he was close to losing control over his abilities. That would have to be enough.

There was only one part of his mind that had to stay barred. One part Alja could never see. He left the vault with the memories of the murder and the monster locked, even reinforcing its walls with energy that had fueled the now disabled Protocol mechanisms before.