Chapter 40

Slowly Kaleb resurfaced from the endless depths of pleasure and found Alja was still shivering slightly under his body. Had he hurt her? "Alja, are you…" he started lifting his head, not daring to move any more since her legs were still hooked around his, possessively holding him in place.

"Sh… just give me two more minutes." Her voice was a little rough and shaky but also somehow lazy, satisfied as she run her hand through the thick silk of his hair pulling his head down again.

And Arrow that she was Alja allowed herself to indulge exactly one hundred and twenty seconds. The time was just long enough to discover that it was impossible to wrap her mind around what had just happened. She'd have to take this one step at a time. So she slowly started to move, forcing some tension back into limbs that seemed to have turned to jelly.

Kaleb lifted his upper body the moment he sensed her movement. When he met her gaze, a gentle but unbreakable fist closed around his heart. It was as if he'd never truly seen her until now, the stars in her eyes softly glowing in a shade that seemed warmer than the cold silver of usual cardinals. It turned them into islands of light in an endless ocean. How could he have ever existed without being with Alja? How could he have ever believed he'd be able to resist her? "I can never let you go now."

"Then don't." It was all that had to be said. All she could say with her voice shaking from the overwhelming emotions she had stifled for so long. And it was almost frightening how right it all felt: their bodies joined as close as possible, the hard lines of Kaleb's face set into stark contrast by his gaze that was crushingly tender.

The smile that flew over her face was so soft he just had to kiss her.

Slow. Deep. Seductive. Savoring the experience this time.

"You feel," she mumbled amazed, the moment he broke the kiss to drink in the sight of her again.

"Did you really not sense that before?"

"My strength lies in projecting not detecting emotion and… Well, I guess a part of me knew. But… it's not a part I usually listen to," she admitted suddenly self-conscious. She waited for the wicked little voice to make a snide remark like I told you so. And she could hear it. But was more like she was talking to herself, which was probably a little weird but not insane. She was no longer at breaking point. That part was one with her for once, the painful split inside her faded like an old scar.

Slowly Kaleb let his body slip off hers and came to lie close to her side not wanting to separate their bodies completely already. It gave him the opportunity to let his gaze run down along her body. Her braid had loosened enough to send a few strands of hair flowing free. Her breasts were laced with the marks of his kisses, her skin still flushed all over. The remains of her panties were caught in the handle of the blade she still had strapped to her shin. "I like where that part of you gets you." One side of his mouth kicked up into a wry smile that had Alja hold her breath.

Could a man look any more gorgeous? "I like where it gets you too." Her heart beat kicked up when she lifted her hand to brush a strand of hair out of his forehead. Now that the fury of passion had cooled a little, touching him seemed almost like a forbidden action again. He looked at her with utter focus but didn't move away. She still couldn't believe it. After everything that had been going on, it just seemed unreal. – Which reminded her that there was a world outside the cabin they'd escaped to. "We have to –" Well what exactly did they have to do now? "…go back soon."

"Yes, although the Net is probably busy for the moment."

"Busy realizing that the fighting has begun for real."

"Yes," he answered warily. And busy reorganizing the Net where he'd messed it up.

He didn't want this moment to end so soon but he could already see Alja's soldier-mind starting to work behind her eyes.

"That means no one can know what happened between us. Not now." Not before the war was over and the Psy had learned that emotion was more than a weakness for their enemies to prey on.

"No one will. I guess we've both proven we're good enough at concealing the fact we feel."

"At least you finally accept that you're not better off Silent."

Kaleb didn't answer for a while. For too long.

"You regret what happened?" It was the hardest question but she wouldn't flinch away from his answer.

"No I don't. But I should. Well I shouldn't. I should feel nothing at all." Wrong answer! Some part of him screamed. But logic forced the words out anyway.

"You still think Silence is an option for you?" A new kind of fire sparked in her eyes.

Wow, the woman didn't leave him a minute to rest, Kaleb thought. "Having you close obviously doesn't leave me a choice in the matter. But I might have to go back if this doesn't work out." Denying it would be pointless. They would not be able to hide from that brutal truth.

Still Alja's reaction was to bolt up to a sitting position and glare at him as if he'd insulted her.

"You really want to do that? Silence is wrong Kaleb, wrong to the core! Look what it's done to us: We're a bunch of paranoid icicles, who can trust no one. When the other Councilors started attacking me I still thought it was you who wanted to kill me – right after you'd spent half the working-day holding me!" In hindsight Alja had to admit she really had been blind. Worse, she had stubbornly refused to see the obvious. "We're so drilled to expect to be betrayed, hurt or even killed at every corner that we don't recognize love even when it's right in front of us!"

Fuck! She hadn't intended to use such a strong word as 'love' and now it was out, she suddenly felt very vulnerable. And sitting naked in front of a man who told her he considered going back to Silence right after he slept with her, wasn't exactly boosting her self-esteem. "I'll go shower." With that she jumped up and vanished behind the wall that divided off the wet room. Confronted with herself in the mirror she had to stifle a bitter laugh as she remembered her human acquaintances lamenting about how sleeping with someone never really solved problems but always created more. Well obviously that rule applied even in her exceptional situation.

But just when she'd stepped under the water she felt strong arms closing tightly around her from behind.

"I don't want to be Silent," Kaleb said so close to her ear it was a caress on her skin. "I want to be with you. More than anything else. So much, I'm not sure I'd let you go if you wanted to." Because he wasn't good after all. "But I'm also trying to be honest with you. That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

She wanted to say something but the words stuck in her throat. She had sensed enough of his feelings and knew enough of her own to be certain that everything had changed between them. But right now that just meant chaos. None of them knew how to proceed from where that tempest of emotion had thrown them. So she just nodded leaning into him under the soothing downpour of hot water. Of course she wanted him to be honest, but that didn't mean she wanted to hear a truth she tried to ignore almost since the moment she'd met him.

"I'm not used to losing control like that." After all there was no denying that was exactly what had just happened. "And there's a good reason I shouldn't. Or one day there might not be a world left where I can be with you."

Knowing he was right was what hurt the most. She'd grown up around those who had close to no other option than Silence to keep their lethal powers in check. And Kaleb didn't belong to these people for one reason only: He was even more dangerous than the Arrows.

She hated feeling so vulnerable. It was what she'd worked to avoid all her life. She might always have been closer to emotion, but that didn't make this any easier for her. She felt like she'd fall apart the moment he'd let her go. So she just held his arms in place with her own interlacing her fingers with his. But he didn't let her go. He only turned her in his arms pulling her as close as humanly possible. Lost for words she simply started kissing him again.

It was irresponsible, idiotic even, Kaleb thought. They should return right now, face the damage he'd done to the Net. But he couldn't bring himself to stop. The world didn't matter now. All that mattered was to take that hurt look off Alja's face. He forced himself to dip into the Net for a second to get out a short message.

Delenko!

Sir, what…

I have a situation. I need you to stall for me… Whatever is going down out there.

To his credit the man didn't even ask. I'll manage, was all he said. Kaleb had never expected his choice of personnel would pay in that way, but then he had no capacity to think about it any longer, his desire for Alja drawing him in once more. After all this time trying to resist, it had built to a level where it was a wonder they had even made it to the shower without being all over each other again.

Kaleb loved Alja again lifted up against that wall of the shower-cubicle. Slow, deep and with all the tenderness that had been missing from their first explosive union.

And Alja discovered that the intense focus she had so often seen in Kaleb was now trained entirely on her. He took in every little facet of her, every reaction, every movement, every little sound of pleasure or complaint. Exploring her. Learning her. And there was so much she wanted to learn with him. If they only got the time… but in his overwhelming presence the thoughts slid off her mind like her fingers on the wet cubicle wall.

Well, in the end the stainless steel really wasn't so bleak at all.

Kaleb left the shower with a clipped "Be quick!" right after he had eased her down from another mind-blowing orgasm. And her soldier senses snapped back on. She finished washing her hair quickly and stepped out to be greeted by another snapped command. "Get dressed!" A pile of fresh clothes dropped right outside her shields. Kaleb vanished from the doorway to the wet room the same second.

"What happened?" She poked out into the main room, concerned with Kaleb's sudden hurry. Of course they had indulged for too long.

"Nothing happened." Rough, clipped words. And was that torment on his face? "I just can't think." Insecurely she watched him for a moment longer. He was already dressed but – wow, he was devouring her with his eyes. When she didn't react he added: "You need to get dressed or you have seconds before I'm buried inside you again."

"Oh." She kept her wicked smile to herself for once and ducked back in to get her clothes on as fast as possible.

When she stepped out of the cabin where Kaleb was waiting, she found it was completely dark outside. For a moment she was shocked that her inner clock had betrayed her. But they'd left Moscow in the early evening. And with the time difference it made sense, it was night here. A night almost as clear as the one after the ball when Kaleb had pushed away the clouds for her. Suddenly that seemed ages ago. Everything had changed so fast and so fundamentally. No wonder she'd lost track of time.

Kaleb took a deep breath before facing Alja. Now that he'd felt her naked body so lush and sensuous against his own he didn't trust his self-restraint a whit. She gave the impression of the perfect Arrow once more: Dressed in her black uniform and combat boots, the hair he would have liked to stroke tied back into a severe braid as usual. It wasn't enough. He still couldn't keep his hands off of her. Without thinking he pulled her braid to the front, let it slide through his fingers, already addicted to the feel of it. This was going to be a problem, when they had to be in public.

"We have to talk to the staff as soon as we're back in the HQ. None of them know what happened but the damage in the Net tells them enough to expect something crucial. And I cannot hide that." At least he could think clear enough to plan ahead again. "Officially you were with me in a military operation. We were attacked and retaliated. You'll be with me at all times from now on. Since you're my shield specialist that's justifiable. We'll figure out the rest later."

"Ok." A single word. Focused like the Arrow she was. It helped him focus too.

"We'll admit you're an Arrow but nothing more."

"Reveal the obvious secret to hide the dangerous one. Yes, that should work." Still calmly spoken but her hands landed on his chest, smoothing over the fresh, crisp shirt he'd put on. Oh how she wanted to feel his skin again. But she forced herself to stay concentrated. The sooner she practiced it while he was close the better. It would be much harder now she knew he craved it as much as she did. "What else is important before we go back?"

"I need to know why they came for you." He put his hands on her hips, testing how much contact he could manage and stay in control.

"You already know Ming wants me dead." But that wasn't all. And Kaleb knew it. The question was: Was she ready to trust him on that level?

"Yes, but the other two wouldn't risk a confrontation with me over a flawed Arrow, who hurt Ming's pride once." His hands tightened on her.

She dropped her gaze, thinking hard what to say next. "No they wouldn't," she admitted, but the words were harder to get out the closer they got to the truth.

"So why would they?" He gripped her chin. The hold was gentle but he forced her to meet his eyes, his other hand still firmly on her hip.

"You're not going back to Silence." Stubbornness in every word.

"And you're not going to let this go, are you?" But suddenly Kaleb found himself praying to an entity he had never believed in. Don't let her say she made me feel all this with projection. Don't let that be the reason. It would destroy him to hear it wasn't real. Worse, he found he didn't want to know even if it was the truth.

"It is important that I know exactly how think about Silence, before I tell you anymore."

"You already know. I believe Silence in general must fall for the Psy to survive. But for me – I'm more than dangerous. You just saw me tear the Net on a large scale." Holding her gaze he wrapped his arms around her waist, trying to soften the harsh truth with touch, unsure if it was more for her comfort of his own.

"That's what you did? Tear the Net?" Even the most perfidious skills of the Arrows only used the Net to carry their power, but no one could touch it, or even harm it. At least that was what Alja had always thought. But she'd caught a glimpse of the gaping hole in the streams of data that usually circulated through the Net. No person should have that power. And she simply refused to acknowledge the chill that thought gave her.

"You couldn't see?" Kaleb had never used this kind of power in the presence of others. He had never thought that they wouldn't even be able to see what he did.

"I just saw the dataflow broken and suddenly the others were gone and I was knocked out of the psychic plane." No hint of fear on her face. Just traces of a mind working concentrated.

"Then you saw the result. You must understand that I can't risk losing control."

Control. Alja began to think she'd be sick if she heard that word one more time. Control their abilities, control the monsters inside, control their emotions, their behavior … control, control, control. That was all their race ever did. And she was sick of it. She wanted them to just be. The fact that they couldn't, made her angry, angry and scared. "You don't know how close I was to giving up. I just – I can't lose you."

She stated it as a simple fact but he glimpsed her desperation under the Arrow's mask. It tore him up. And if he hadn't already decided to try to hold on to her for his own selfish interests, he'd sure as hell fight for her sake. "Then we'd better find a way to make this work. Now will you tell me why they were after you?"

"But that's just it. I don't know how to make it work! If I could just figure it out, none of us would need anything like Silence!" she blurted out. Why was it so damn hard to get the truth out? Well, because she'd spent literally all her life hiding it. But Kaleb was intelligent enough to help her along even after her more than enigmatic statements.

"You're talking about your empathy. That's the answer to all of this, isn't it?" When she still wouldn't talk he went on, able to feel the enormous weight of what he was about to hear. And he would hear it. She wouldn't close up to him now. "It's more than you admitted. How strong are you really? How far can you project?"

The look on her face turned almost apologetic, the tough soldier gave way to the far gentler creature inside. The one he wanted to protect with a fierceness that scared him. Then she lifted her face up to the darkness above them. He thought she was searching for an explanation until he realized her gaze was the answer. She didn't just stare into the darkness. She looked into the endless space filled with millions of stars.

And then finally the words made it out. Everything she was, her innermost secret stripped bare. "I should be able to reach the Net and everyone in it. That's how strong I am."

"But that would mean…" The impossible.

"You're not the only one." Not the only dual cardinal in existence.

Alja didn't realize how much she'd tensed until gentle hands touched her face, angled it carefully so he could press his lips on hers, the warmth of them melting her from within. Whatever reaction she'd expected from Kaleb, this was not it. But it was good, so good. And it muted at least a part of her fear and desperation.

Right in that moment Kaleb wanted nothing but to take that burden away from her. Because he understood the weight of that kind power, even if hers was the exact opposite of his. He had to try not to destroy the Net. She had to find a way to heal it. And right now they were both not doing the best job. Could fate get anymore ironic?

"You're not a weapon. You're a cure. – A cure from Silence," he whispered amazed against her lips. The words were simple but at that moment his focus, his whole view of the world shifted at that realization: A cure. For this madness the Council had forced upon them all. And there it was, that unflinching emotion he'd only ever felt a shadow of when he looked at the image of the untraceable mind the NetMind had made him seek: It was hope. And all of it revolved around Alja.

"Funny how it's just a question of perspective, isn't it?" she mumbled. Silent tears started streaking down her cheeks. "But I'm broken. I don't know how to do it. I just can't see the veins."

"What veins?"

"There should be veins all through the Net to transport the emotion like the lifeblood it is. But I can't find them. I fear Silence has left none." There finally she'd said it all. And it felt good. Kaleb watched her with his usual focus. She could all but see him working through what she told him, another mind sharing her burden. It might not bring her closer to the solution but it was something she'd always longed for, something that eased the pressure.

"Who knows about this?" Kaleb brushed his fingers across her cheek unable to stop himself from touching her. It still felt as if he'd never touched her before.

Alja leaned into the touch closing her eyes before she went on. "Ming knows how strong I am. Aden and Vasic know I'm important for the Net's stability somehow. But no one knows I'm the only one who can heal the Net."

"And how do you know?" No one taught the empaths anymore, since they were officially forgotten. Yet Alja seemed to have very specific imagination of the task she had to fulfill.

"The NetMind told me." She said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"You can speak to the NetMind?"

"Mostly it talks to me. But yes, I speak to it since I can think, probably longer."

He stared at her, surprised and amazed by every new fact she revealed. It was still hard to get his train of thoughts together but he realized they wouldn't be able to cover all of this right now. It was impossible to wrap his head around all of this. There were probably a myriad of things they didn't know about each other. They had a lot of talking to do, the next time he got her alone for long enough, even if that was not the first thing on his mind when he pictured being alone with her... But there was one more thing he wanted to know before they left: "Why now Alja? Why do you trust me now?" He knew physical attraction alone didn't guarantee mutual trust.

Somewhere in Alja's mind there was a small part that still warned her to reveal too much. But it whispered away into nothingness as she felt the truth and the honesty of Kaleb's emotions. And for the first time she truly perceived her empathy as a gift. "You feel. That's all I needed to know." And with a little bitterness she added. "And besides I don't have much to lose anymore."