Chapter 43

When Silver had left, Alja expected Kaleb to seek physical contact again. She could feel his need as clearly as her own, but somehow he restrained himself and just stood up giving her a measuring glance. She could almost taste the tension that hung in the air. Then she understood. "You don't want me inside the Net on that kind of mission, because it might be dangerous," she stated matter-of-factly. When he didn't deny it she went on. "But you know me well enough by now. You know I won't accept to be restrained for protection."

"I cannot have this conversation here. Allow a teleport. I promise you won't be restrained in any way." Kaleb sounded outwardly calm but inside him logic and protectiveness fought a brutal war. It helped that Alja still trusted him enough to open her shields for the teleport.

"Where are we?" she asked once they'd arrived in another smaller, but no less psyishly practical office room. It was one Alja had never seen before and the extent of vegetation she could see through the window told her they were no longer in a building within the city.

"My home."

Oh. Somehow that answer made Alja little less annoyed with his reluctance to take her into the Net. That he'd let her into another very private location, reminded her how much had changed between them, how hard emotions must be crashing in on his mind that was not nearly as equipped to handle them as she was. And she was barely coping. Could she really blame him for being a little overprotective? Especially when she felt exactly the same towards him?

"So what's your opinion Arrow?" he asked, his tone practical but not cold.

Alja raised her eyebrows in amusement at the address. He was trying hard to keep the conversation light but both of them knew the balance of their very knew relationship depended on the outcome of this conversation, as well as both their chances to successfully help the Psy to survive. How far could they acknowledge their emotions and still function as the Psy they needed to be to change the Net? She wanted to touch him, show him she was just as torn as he was, but she kept her distance. They both needed time to get their brains functioning under the impact of physical sensations and now was not the time to train that. "We should retrieve the woman and take out Vasquez right now," she stated coolly, acting as the Arrow he'd called her. "Pure Psy is not getting weaker if we postpone it any longer and if it's really Ming behind them now, we get built-in retaliation for the attack today."

Considering taking her into the danger of an in-Net mission went completely against Kaleb's protective instincts, but had to admit Alja was right. Seen rationally it was a perfect strategy. One he would have come up with himself, had he not the impulsive urge to keep her out of harm's way.

He took her in standing in front of him waiting for an answer in her perfect uniform, her stance that of a heavily trained soldier. And in the end it wasn't logic that made him decide for her suggestion. It was the fact that he knew it wouldn't work if he refused her now. He couldn't cage her to protect her and he wouldn't devalue her skills by not using them to fight for a future where she didn't need protection. Maybe some danger was inevitable on the way to that future. But he'd bargain hard to keep her out of anything that didn't involve the unique shielding skills only she would provide. "Alright. I'll take you within both our shields and mobile firewalls. And I'll take your consciousness back to your stationary mind before I take any action."

"Ok." A single focused word.

"No objection?" He'd expected her to at least argue, that he would be faster if she made her way back alone or have some part in finding the Mercant woman they were to get out.

"No." When Kaleb didn't react, as if he waited for her to elaborate, she reluctantly explained: "I suppose we'll have to dive into remote locations in the Net. And I'm not used to going out that far."

"What? I thought Arrows were roaming through the Net in disguise all the time. And you can turn yourself effectively invisible." It made no sense for the Squad not to use that advantage.

"If something happened to my body while I was in and I dropped out I'd never know exactly where I relink. I might never find my star again. I only take the risk if it's necessary."

Logical, still Kaleb had never thought of it. This was the second time he was surprised by how fragile Alja was in certain areas that didn't even occur as a source of danger to him. But being neither able to relocate her stationary mind at will, nor able to leave it far behind were alarming disadvantages. And then again she was almost invincible in other areas like her impenetrable shields or her ability to incite feelings in even the most Silent Psy, while hiding her own emotions under the scrutiny of the Arrow Squad for a lifetime. She still was a mystery to unravel. But all he said was: "Then I'd better watch out for you."

Alja slowly let out the breath she hadn't noticed she'd held waiting for his answer. He hadn't let her down even after she revealed how precarious the mission could get for her. And she knew they could make it: Caring for each other and being Psy, feeling and being rational enough to stay sane. That blooming hope made her finally close the distance between them, cup his face and press a gentle kiss on his lips. "Thank you. I know this is not easy for you." She'd first felt the fierce protectiveness in him when they were at the cabin. She'd even been a bit scared how it mirrored her own, because it let her know exactly how far he might go to keep her safe. And she was glad he didn't know she'd go just as far for him or he would definitely lock her up after all.

Kaleb felt a little scared as well – of how Alja could utterly enslave him with the slightest touch and a single kiss. He wanted to be everything she needed, know every facet of her soul and caress every inch of her body until she surrendered herself to be at his mercy as he was at hers. "No it's not. And we will have a very elaborate conversation about what else you can or cannot do in the Net, the moment we have dealt with Vasquez and retrieved Amber Mercant – or maybe not right after, maybe after I have taken care of these distracting physical impulses."

The words sounded almost harsh, Psy. But his gaze was a caress all over her body and Alja could tell he was teasing. "I agree. If we want to make this work, we both need to know a lot more about each other. No more secrets – for both of us." She had some questions of her own and she wouldn't accept platitudes for answers. "Or I might not be willing to participate in the releasing of your physical tensions," she added, letting her smile fill with mischief once again.

He wrapped one hand around her nape, gently, but blatantly proprietary. "Oh yes you will!" And then he smiled.

A real, unadulterated smile – a little wicked and a little arrogant; as if he knew exactly how it would affect Alja: It knocked the breath out of her and instantly made new heat flare up right between her thighs. How could anyone be so devastatingly gorgeous? "Yeah, probably." And she didn't even care, that she'd fallen for him so completely. "Shall we start?" she added quickly, before one of them changed their mind and decided to take care of 'their impulses' first.

Then she slipped out on the mental plane where Kaleb's consciousness was waiting for her, having sped through the Net fast enough and in a very special disguise to shake off any possible trackers. On the way he'd made sure to incapacitate the Pure Psy agent whose mental signature they were stealing to get behind their lines. He was easy enough to find with a complete signature of his mind. And his mind conveniently held a set of locations in the Net where they'd probably find Vasquez as well as some impressions of the Pure Psy general's mental appearance that wasn't good enough to find him in the Net but would suffice to recognize him. "One more thing: will Ming know you were involved, when we use your shielding skills?"

"No, he doesn't know about that aspect. But even if he did, it can hardly make him want me dead any harder than he already does."

"That's not why I'm asking. We don't necessarily have to let him know it was us. There's no advantage in letting him know what we're capable of."

"But who else should it be? You're not going to blame it on an innocent?" Whoever it was would die a quick and very painful death, if Ming suspected him.

"No, believe me the one I'm thinking of can take it quite well."

To her surprise Kaleb smiled again. But this time it puzzled her. "And you're not going to enlighten me, who this mystery person is?"

"Trust me I'll tell you – after. No more secrets!" It was a promise.

And it was enough.

Alja slid inside his shields along the biofeedback link and let the mimicry reflect outside both their minds. It was as easy as breathing. And this time it felt absolutely, utterly right to be this close to Kaleb in the Net, as if they belonged that way. She could feel him, his darkness, his energy and even a faint shadow of his emotions pulsing through the link she'd created to him. It reminded her once more that so much had changed, that so much more was at stake now. But it also made her feel safe even as he swept through the Net with a breathtaking stealth and speed.

On the few occasions Alja had been out in the Net with fellow Arrows she had never experienced something remotely close to the way Kaleb's mind slid through streams of data dodging other minds at high velocity. And then he seemed to be moving completely independent of the glittering data streams it was as if he held on to connections she couldn't see.

When they came close to the areas Pure Psy used as their basis, Kaleb slowed down but slipped into their mental rooms with the confidence of someone who was supposed to be there. The appearance of the agent Ms. Mercant had provided opened all the doors and let them walk past every security Pure Psy had installed. No one even looked at it twice. It filled him with a fierce pride, that Alja could fool them so perfectly. An irrational thought he would've forbidden himself not long ago. Now it felt good. And he relished the new emotion.

When they finally found Vasquez, it was almost too easy. The general addressed them of his own accord, requesting some report about Pure Psy military training camps. Alja answered evasive and promised to have it as soon as possible. The interaction gave Kaleb enough time to memorize Vasquez' mental signature well enough that he'd find him whenever he wanted. They walked out of the mental vaults of the paramilitary organization as boldly as they'd entered.

Kaleb teleported out the moment they'd both returned to the physical plane. It took him less than five minutes to get back.

This time it was Alja who sought physical contact before he could even speak. She hadn't expected it, but she'd actually worried for him. She had tried to sit down in the chair at his desk only to jump up and take to pacing up and down in front of it ten seconds later. It had only been a few minutes but knowing Kaleb could've gone to the other end of the world, out of her reach forever after she only just got him had made her wary. She needed to feel him now so she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her ear to his chest so she could hear his heartbeat steady and calming. He however stiffened in her embrace. She drew back her head at once searching his face. "Everything ok?"

"Yes. We were right: Ming's running Pure Psy now," he answered monotonously.

"What about Amber Mercant?"

Of course Alja would want to know about the life saved before the life taken. "She's at the HQ in Moscow until her family can take of her safety."

"Good," she stated a little surprised that Kaleb seemed reluctant to elaborate on any of it. Then she understood – at least she thought so. "I'm making it hard for you to think rational. Sorry!" But when she let go and tried to step back he caught her arms.

"No stay! – If you want to."

"What? Why shouldn't I?"

"I just killed a man. Doesn't that repel you?"

"We're at war. And in war people kill." She'd grown up with that knowledge, been trained to accept it as a fact of their world. "Is it harder for you now?" Once Psy started to feel, they couldn't chose what they felt, and that meant their conscience probably awoke too, when they broke Silence.

"Not as much as it should be." He hadn't known what to expect now that he allowed himself emotion, but the only difference when he dealt the deathblow was that he thought of Alja; of how she'd judge his actions and also of the necessity to protect her. "I'm not going to turn good just because I feel, Alja. I'm never going to be like you."

Wow that good and evil thing really ran deep inside him, Alja thought. But she would not let him go there again. "Being able to kill without breaking mentally doesn't make you bad or evil. It just makes you another thing the Net needs."

He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "The Net needs a healer. It needs you." It had shattered his world to realize that. But there was no hiding from it. The path he'd chosen and pursued for so long, it wasn't the one that would save his people. Even cutting the infectious rot from the Net was only playing for time. And he was losing more often than not.

"Yes, but I cannot be a healer if I have to be a soldier at the same time. It's too much of a contradiction." And if she ever wanted to find a way to unfold the potential of her healing abilities, Kaleb was her best shot. She only understood that now. "I want to nurture life, protect life and heal whatever it is that makes us sick. But to enable healing sometimes life needs to be taken, sometimes things need to be destroyed first. And I can't do that. I'm just not made that way. But you are. You can do it. That's why you're important, not only to me but to the whole Net." Cupping his face in her hands so she could gaze into the depth of the night-sky in his eyes once more she took a deep breath and added. "I don't envy you for having to bear such a burden. But I love you even more for doing it."

Kaleb felt Alja's words tear his heart to pieces and form it anew. He wanted to respond, but his voice had stopped working. It was as if she'd heard the silent thoughts he'd once directed at her: I want you to love a monster.

This woman had been dangerous enough when he only knew her as a mysterious Arrow, but now she sliced his soul wide open with the sheer gentleness she sometimes allowed to show through. And no matter what ugliness she found, she still saw something to value. Once again she surprised him with her unique view of the world: In her world even monsters had their rightful place. That part of him he'd wished he could get rid of for so long, in her world it might be needed.

Suddenly he couldn't have her close enough. He needed to really feel that life, that affection, to experience the wonder she was to him on every level. So he crushed her close, devouring her mouth with greedy kisses and letting his hands wander over her body.

Alja sensed the moment Kaleb opened up again. He didn't need to say it. With every touch, every kiss she felt so loved it almost hurt. She let herself indulge until it made her head spin but she hadn't forgotten that she'd claimed the lead on working around the emotions that were flooding into their logical abilities. So she gently pushed at his chest, when he gave her no other way to break the kiss, and forced out some breathless words. "Stop! Concentrate! We have no time for this now."

Reluctantly he obeyed knowing she was right. They had a war to fight and a Net to save. But he couldn't resist trying to pull her onto his lap when he sat down in his office chair.

She refused to come and sat on the desk facing him instead. "What else did you learn? What are they up to?"

He drew closer, placed his hand on her thigh. She responded by covering it with her own allowing the contact they both had started to need so quickly.

"Almost all of their resources are directed into undermining the Rehabilitation Centers. It's not what I expected but it makes sense. The majority of the people working there are already more prone to be pro Silence since their jobs depend on it, so it won't take much work to gain control of the Centers. And if they have that, they effectively control Silence."

Alja's stomach dropped. In her mind the scenario already unfolded in vibrant colors: People vanishing off the streets. Political opponents silently sentenced to rehabilitation without even the former Council's doubtful jurisdiction. "At the current state that would mean mass-rehabilitations."

"You think Ming – or any of the other Councilors – would stop at something like that? Silence is the base of their power." And power meant everything to them. Just as it had to him not so long ago.

"I know. I just didn't expect that either. I'd have thought they were planning something more military." Something more apt to the Arrow Ming had once been. But she should have known better. Ming wasn't called a master strategist for nothing. He wouldn't just try to replace the Arrows he'd lost with a decimated army that was by far not as well trained. "But of course our wars will always be fought on the psychic plane. – At least partly." No one knew for sure, since the Psy never had had an open war before, just hidden power-plays. So it made sense that part of this escalation would take place in their minds. "But we can't let them control the Centers Kaleb. They'll start a witch hunt for those who struggle with Silence. They'll be after everyone who even considers..."

"…they'll be after people like us," he finished her sentence, his gaze suddenly intense. And somehow that intensity made her a little uneasy. "I won't let them. I already know the identities of the highest ranking Pure Psy operatives. With that knowledge I can get the name of every single Center employee they turned or recruited. They'll be gone before they can do any major damage."

"You do realize you don't have to kill them, don't you?" she asked sternly. She knew her uneasiness came from the knowledge, that Kaleb wouldn't hesitate until every name he'd found was put on a gravestone.

"It would be the easiest way." But would it be the right way? Kaleb wouldn't have asked himself that some time ago. But now he had to, because Alja would. Alja cared for every life, even if it belonged to someone bad.

"Our people are lost, desperate. Not everyone who sets his hopes in an organization like Pure Psy deserves to die. And when Silence falls Pure Psy will lose a lot of its appeal. Those who are trailing at their fringes now will turn from them."

"What do you suggest?" Kaleb asked.

Alja straightened on Kaleb's lap as if she was standing to attention and giving a report. And somehow he found that very cute in that situation. But obviously it seemed to help her focus. Her words suddenly reflected her soldier-mind once more.

"We're Psy, we fight on the mental plane. But there still are physical aspects of this war. The former Councilors control certain physical areas and organizational structures. And since the Council split there's no common jurisdiction. Every Councilor can use whatever resources he owns without consensus of the whole Council." Shoshanna had proven that, when she had started her pro Silence Propaganda. She still held most of the Council's media. "As far as I know it's almost all of Asia and Eastern Europe in your case. And you have the Arrows."

Kaleb was stunned. Her way of thinking betrayed that she had learned a lot more than she'd like to admit from the man she had always feared. Kaleb had been aiming to gain power and overthrow the Council. He had amassed a vast amount of business assets and created an army to enforce that goal on the physical plane as well. But Alja's strategizing resembled far more a mind that was used to war in all his aspects.

"So at least in your territory you could simply fire everyone you suspect working for Pure Psy. I doubt that a lot of the scientists and physicians working there have the potential to turn into mercenaries. They'll lose their value for Pure Psy with their jobs at the Centers, but maybe we can reinstate them later."

"Later?"

"Yes, Silence will fall and it will leave chaos and insecurity. The professionals from the Centers know a lot about stabilizing the Net."

Alja wasn't only trying to randomly protect life. She was also planning on building a future for their people. She amazed Kaleb more and more with every minute. No longer bothering to keep his distance he pulled her close again. He just had to hold her. "But you will stabilize the Net. You will heal it."

It stung Alja's heart how hard Kaleb clung to that hope. She almost wished she hadn't told him, because she was by far not as certain she could make it. She wanted to tell him to prepare for the fall of Silence without her magical abilities saving the day. But he wouldn't understand. He hadn't sought for a solution for so long. Hadn't seen her powers dissipate within the Net as if they simply weren't made to travel through that cold, unwelcoming universe. He wasn't ready to give up hope, not now. Distraught she realized not for the first time that there was a part of her that had done exactly that: given up. A part of her no longer believed the miracle of her powers would ever unfold the way the neosentience had shown to her. She would help her people as far as she could. But in the end, she feared they'd be on their own. "A lot of people will have trouble adjusting. I can't help them all. I think the Center staff will be needed."

"I'll only eliminate the high class agents then. That should slow them down enough." He spoke the words with his lips on her forehead. He couldn't have said for his life whether he was making this decision because he agreed with her logic or just because she wished it.

Alja didn't argue any further. She knew some deaths were necessary – at least the world they were living in now left them no choice if they wanted any of their race to survive. This situation was proof of what she'd said to him a few minutes ago: to enable healing sometimes life needs to be taken. So she just nodded and then kissed him. Long and slow and tender, conveying all that fragile hope that they could really make it… if they managed to focus long enough. "So they aren't planning anything physical?" she finally asked, pulling away and trying to get back on topic.

"They are. A very small section – I suspect it's only one or two black op teams – are being trained in very specialized forms of mental and physical combat – similar to Arrows. But Ming was very careful. Vasquez didn't know what they're supposed to do."

"Could be he's only replacing us Arrows as a backup… Or he's planning something much worse." Alja's soldier mind already started strategizing again when she felt Kaleb's attention shift for a moment. Something must have alerted him on the mental plane. Of course he would be constantly occupied after the hostile action and the ripples it had caused. He confirmed it with his next words.

"It seems we won't get time for our talk anytime soon," he stated. The way he looked at her made clear it wasn't only the talking he'd be sorry to miss.

"I already figured you'll have a lot to do now," she said, playing with his fingers in hers.

"Yes, but this was actually for you. Delenko has had several requests concerning your shield counseling. It seems a lot of people are concerned you won't be there for them now that I claimed you twenty-four-seven." The fact that they had worried about it more or less right after the meeting showed him how right Alja was about the underlying insecurity and fear that the threat of war caused even in the Silent.

"Hmm I didn't think about that before… didn't think they'd already rely on me so much."

"Of course they do. They might trust me to take care of our mutual interests but it's you who gives them a sense of personal safety." While he said it he felt a new shade of emotion well up inside. It was a warm, fierce thing that told him how much he valued Alja even beyond the raw passion and possessiveness at the base of his heart. That was the moment her learned to feel proud of her. "As much as I'd like to have you for myself, you probably should continue the counseling for a few hours a day. It might stabilize the ones who are starting to show signs of fear as you said."

Alja would have liked to tell him then how good a leader he was, taking care of his people like this. But she knew he'd have argued it away with logic and necessity again, so she only agreed with a nod and lifted his hand to her mouth to place a kiss on his knuckles in open affection. It was enough that she'd glimpsed him again; that man he could be, if he dared to fully shed that armor of hardness. A man with honor, sense of responsibility and above all love for the ones in his care.