Chapter 52
Father Xavier Perez awaited the Ghost in the shadows of the dark backyard behind the church that would hide the man's face as always. He had no interest in discovering his true identity, knowing some secrets better stayed secret. But he was surprised that the Ghost had requested to meet him alone. "You know with the recent turn of events I alone can't do much to help you anymore." As the human part of their triumvirate Xavier had always been the most passive of them. He was more important as their connection to the humans and the few Psy who were starting to turn toward faith as their world slowly unraveled. But now the rebellion seemed to have to focus even more on things inside the Net.
"This is not about our usual work. I wanted to discuss something personal with you," the Ghost answered quietly.
"So you came to the father tonight, not to the soldier?" Another surprise.
"If it is possible for you to separate the two, then yes."
"You have always been the strictly political figure, the symbol of the rebellion. Can you separate your personal matters from our work?" He sat down on one of the benches in the yard that were positioned so their backs were facing each other.
"You're right, nothing that concerns me is ever without political consequences, but it is a personal matter." The Ghost took the seat on the opposite bench allowing them to sit together without revealing his face.
"Then my vow of confidentiality holds, if you want it to," Xavier answered thoughtfully. "Is this about you breaking Silence?"
A short hesitation. "It already shows?"
"No it's more a gut feeling. You're not the first Psy to come to me and rely on my vows. But I think I wouldn't have noticed it, if I hadn't seen this before – with Judd."
"Are we so much alike in your eyes?" The Ghost wondered if breaking the Protocol could be as easy for him as it had apparently turned out with Judd.
"In that aspect, maybe. You were both fully Silent, when I met you. Both of you changed. But I guess there are some differences. For example you're still in the Net. You don't have the same amount of emotional stability around you. But that wasn't your question, was it?"
"No… No, but maybe this is about stability. I don't know how to even say it… I am not sure how to act anymore. Are emotions always so violent?"
"Violent? No of course not there are plenty of pleasant, peaceful emotions." Was this the madness in the Ghost Judd had hinted at? Was he talking about insanity rather than instability?
"That's not what I meant. Do you know if they always are so violent for the one who feels them? It's like it's turning me inside out, like its shaking the very basis of my life, of who I am, of everything."
Xavier found he couldn't keep the calm countenance he used to practice as a man of God as he began to understand what the Ghost was telling him. "The answer is no. Emotions are not always like that. And I will give you one piece of advice. But this is not the advice of a Father, because that is not what you're looking for. I'm telling you this as a man, who has lost what he held most dear in the world: If you have found someone who incites the kind of emotion you just described, you never let her go. You never even let her out of your sight for one single moment and you protect her with your life. It will destroy you if you lose her."
And with those simple words Xavier had described exactly how Kaleb felt.
"I didn't tell you what caused the emotion. Why do you assume it is a woman?"
"Oh right. I assumed you weren't drawn to men and that you have no children of your own."
"That is correct."
"Then it can only be a woman, nothing else does that to a man."
Xavier knew that the father, even the rebel would have answered differently, maybe more cautious. But the man couldn't. The friend couldn't.