Chapter 55

"So tell me about the grain," Alja said after a silent meal of nutrition bars. It had been a long and very busy day. To be correct it had been more close to two days of dealing with the PR disaster the NewNet broadcast had caused. So they hadn't talked much since they'd teleported to Kaleb's home, both needing food and sleep to keep functioning.

"The grain?" he asked looking up from the kitchen table where they'd demolished their rations. They were both still dressed in their work clothing, he in his suit, she in her uniform. But Kaleb had thrown his jacked over the back of his chair and rolled up his sleeves, while Alja had unbuttoned her blouse revealing the tank top she wore below. They could've been human, the scene looked so ordinary. But it wasn't. There was a tension in the air that had to discharge soon.

"Well, I don't believe a bit of this bullshit. But since Shoshanna isn't stupid and you're tensing up by the minute since the broadcast is out, there must be a grain of truth in it."

They had aired counter statement that claimed the accusations against Kaleb were unfounded and hinted that if certain people thought it necessary one could always make the medical conditions of all Councilors an issue of public concern. That hint had been to Shoshanna alone. The public would of course be interested in any information on the highly reclusive Council that seemed to be coming apart at the seams. But Shoshanna would understand that it was a bad idea to dig deeper into this, since she'd have a suspicious medical record of her own, having once been implanted with a chip that would have made her the head of a hive mind had it worked.

Kaleb had had neglected seizing control of the media up to that point, because it hadn't been important. But of course he had been prepared. It had taken less than a few hours to take control over the broadcasting stations in his sector. His counter statement had been aired from those stations and distributed across various other channels of communication, among them the internet so it would reach all other sectors as well. And it had been received quite well. All in all the consequences could have been worse.

But they hadn't had time to talk about what was the truth in all of this.

Now Kaleb looked at Alja, saw how tired she looked. He probably didn't do much better. They both needed to recover, but they also needed to talk. They had so little time…

"Actually the part about me destabilizing the Anchors is the only part that's entirely made up," he said to her surprise. "My anchors are stable. Second only to the ones in Nikita's and Anthony's territory."

"What about that relative in the St. Petersburgh facility?" Alja asked with a slight shake of her head as if she couldn't believe any of it. His answer made her blood freeze.

"My father." He avoided looking at her not wanting to see her reaction. To his relief she caught herself as quickly as always.

"So he is a victim of the genetic diseases in the family?" she asked cautiously not sure how to make this conversation any easier.

To her surprise Kaleb let out a sarcastic snort. "My father isn't even part of the Krychek genetic line. Among other things that was why no one found the connection earlier. His family tree was as clean as it could be. My ancestors always made certain to breed in only the best genes after the failed generation, trying to 'renaturalize' our genome. It was my mother who carried the tampered genes. She initially would have had the rights to me, but she succumbed to mental stability problems after my birth. She decided against rehabilitation." There was no need to explain it was a euphemism for suicide. Alja was Psy. All Psy understood and respected that choice in their brethren. "And my father sold me to that butcher Enrique as soon as he had legal custody after her death. He made a good living of it until I came for him."

"Even we don't sell our children." Alja replied somewhat confused.

"He signed over the rights to my education and parenting for a hefty sum of money. What would you call that?"

What had they become? Alja thought. Then again, she of all people should know what her race was capable of. Instead of responding she reached over the table for his hands. Physical contact might be distracting but she needed it and she could feel he did as well even if he wasn't yet used to perceiving it. He responded to the touch, stroking his thumbs across the backs of her hands. Finally he met her eyes and his features softened just a little. Only then did she continue questioning him "What I don't understand… if he wasn't genetically prone to insanity, then why is he…"

"Because I put him in that state." Kaleb's eyes went dark again, a split second before his face did.

Alja didn't judge, she just looked thoughtful for a moment. "Was it revenge?"

"I didn't feel it then. But now…" He paused for a moment. Looking back at those decisions in the light of emotions was harder than it had been with cold logic. "I can no longer say it was only a means to get to his assets. Killing him would have been an easier and cleaner solution."

It was a hard thing to hear. But Alja knew it was necessary. Kaleb had been cold, ruthless all his life. He had to be to survive. Only time would tell if he was able to choose a different path if he was given the chance. Not letting go of his hands she stood up and walked around the small table urging him to turn and let her straddle him on his chair. "Thank you for your honesty," she said plainly.

Honesty he thought. Yes he tried so hard to be honest. She should know all about him. She wanted to. And she hadn't run. Why hadn't she? When she leaned forward to put her mouth on his he stopped her by pushing against her shoulders. "Can you not be at least a little scared?"

"Why would you want that?" She gave him a look of utter disbelief. Was this some kind of male pride thing?

"I don't. It just would be better for you."

"You think I don't understand who you are."

"You would be scared, if you did." Hadn't she proven him wrong? Why was that still gnawing at him so badly? Why was there still something that he had to get out?

"I knew who you were, even before I met you. The details I learned since then are unimportant. Because I also know who you can be." She thought of the episode, the NetMind had showed her, the one where Kaleb had saved the girl from the train crash. "I am no more scared of what you are than I am of any other Psy including myself." Suddenly it made her angry because she knew what this was about. "When will you let this go? I will never agree that you'd be better off Silent, no matter how much you push me with your goddamn guilt issues! You deserve to feel. Find another way to make up for your mistakes." She had hoped to get a reaction that was as explosive as hers. To her frustration Kaleb stayed absolutely calm, only pressing his hands down on her hips when, she would have jumped up. It infuriated her even more. But she stilled, as he began to speak.

"You're not entirely right about that. What I feel with you … I want you more than anything else. More than I ever wanted power. And I am egoistic enough that I won't let emotion go, in spite of my guilt. But I don't want to be the man I am with emotion. I don't think I should." Because that man made all the bad decisions. It was Alja who made the good ones.

"You never felt before. You don't even know who that man is!" she almost snarled at him. She was so annoyed that it took her a little too long to catch the messed up emotions her empathic senses received.

"I did feel as a child and I have a pretty good idea of the man that child would have turned into. Because every time I felt, I killed." Kaleb suddenly felt a little dizzy. He hadn't consciously thought of that time for decades. Why had he tried now? It was Alja, she made him want to tear himself open. He shouldn't let her.

"You said he didn't make you murder them before that last one."

Her voice sounded strangely hollow, was it her confusion or … Why was there an echo to her voice? "I …" he started, then hesitated.

Alja just stared at him. A few seconds he seemed totally lost. And it made her blood turn to ice, because Kaleb just didn't look lost. He was in control – always. Now those strange twisted emotions bled out of him, almost too faint to pick them up with her senses.

"I don't remember clearly. It was before the conditioning took hold. My thought patterns were erratic back then." He tried to get those patterns to coherency now. He tried to remember beyond the blocks he'd set himself.

"What you remember are probably accidents." It happened a lot with children who had strong offensive abilities. That was why Arrows were trained so early.

"You don't get it." For the first time he sounded a little desperate. "It wasn't my abilities spinning out of control. I decided to kill."

"Yes, Kaleb I get it.", she snapped back, impatience suddenly breaking through, blacking out everything else she might have, should have perceived at that moment. "I understand trauma: You'd rather see yourself as evil for the rest of eternity than admit even to yourself, that you were a helpless child and had no control over any aspect of the situation."

For a moment it seemed as if he would finally explode. Then he answered in a very calm voice.

"Then you also know I'm not ready to confront that. Not now, maybe not ever – but certainly not now, when our world is falling apart around us faster that we can rebuild it." He was struggling hard to push back whatever threatened to boil up from the depths of his mind.

"Maybe you're right, but I still won't stop pushing. Not even if it's the end of the world, because this is too important, you are too important."

Kaleb could sense the need in her. Her sky-fall eyes were gazing at him with an uncanny intensity, peeling away layer upon layer of emotional shielding, looking down right into the core of his soul, leaving no room for rejection.

"And yes I do understand: I see there is a chance that you turn into the most fucked up psychopath that ever walked this earth. Just like there's a chance I am too broken to heal the Net. And as you said this is a possibility we will simply ignore, because if that happens we're all dead anyway." She managed to sound secure, but inside her the pressure was building exponentially. What if they were both too damaged after all? Just a mirror of a race bound to tumble into insanity and death? Not an option to explore she repeated to herself. And then desperation mixed with her urge to heal, had her do something she'd never have considered consciously: The projection just slipped out for a second – trust me as I do you.

"Ok. I'll admit you beat me with my own logic there." The words came out mechanical, something was wrong with his mind. What the hell was it? He felt her pushing, as if he could sense her emotions as well. He wanted to trust her, wanted to risk it. He opened up the lid on those memories a little more. But still, what was that thing? That voice, that grew louder? Only then he noted what it was that distracted his thoughts. In the back of his mind the gruesome voice of the monster hat resumed his chanting rhyme:

Stop the blood, stop the heart,

Or just tear them apart.

Make them mute, make them cease.

When they're dead,…

"STOP!" he screamed, his hands shooting up to clutch his head. As he realized what part of his mind he'd dug in, he desperately struggled to get out, slamming shut all the deadbolts, locking up all the doors on his way out.

Kaleb's eyes had turned completely black, as if he were exerting huge amounts of mental energy. The emotions Alja received from him were all jumbled up horror and excitement, dread and anger. She'd pushed him too far. And he had warned her. She just hadn't listened.

Shit!