Chapter 64

Alja tried to be calm. She had lost track of time. She must've slept once or twice. Before they'd told her they had to relocate her. She had talked to Alice again. And to Sascha. She tried as hard as she could to focus on, hold on to the hope her conversation with Alice had given to her. But she found herself distracted by her own emotions and the thoughts she didn't want to think. The picture of small Psy bodies being whipped off their feet by a vicious lash of Tk broke into her mind again and again. And being blindfolded made it impossible to focus visually on anything in the physical world. They'd said it was only for a few minutes while they brought her to a safe-house outside the den. Only then she had learned how deep she'd been in SnowDancer territory. She had been inside their den. What the hell had Kaleb thought? Again memories were about to break in and pull her under, the healed fissure in her personality threatening to crack open again. The residual imprint of her victims, it wasn't gone, it had just been muted, soothed by the connection she finally allowed herself with Kaleb. But it was still a fragile one, now severed by distance and uncertainty. Already she could hear the soft swell of their voices whispering in the back of her mind. But just then she felt gentle hands remove her blindfold.

"I need to check on your wound," Lara said. "It should be ok. But I'd like to make sure nonetheless after the transport."

Alja nodded weakly, just soaking in the other voice and presence to keep herself from falling apart, while she tuned out all the emotional tension she received from the changeling soldiers that were in the house as well. Obviously Lara had made sure once more that they kept out of her room. But she could see one of them – built almost as broad as their silver-haired alpha – stepping into the doorframe that led to her room, when a petite blonde tried to enter.

"Oh, don't even try to keep me out of there, Riley!" the blonde snarled at the soldier. "I have a right to be part of this. It's why my mate won't come home after all."

"Brenna you…" the soldier began sounding somehow careful in a way Alja couldn't quite grasp.

"Besides, Judd said I should give her a message. Or do you still believe he'd put me in danger?" The woman took another step that brought her toe to toe with the tall predator. There was a pause. Alja couldn't see what else passed between them. She expected the soldier to stop the small woman at once but he just halfheartedly blocked the doorway and moved aside as soon as she pushed at him. When she was inside Alja saw that her fingers where tipped with sharp claws. They changed into human hands before her eyes. And then back again as the woman met her eyes. Alja sensed anger worry and the smallest hint of a deep fear from the female wolf for just a second. Then the fear vanished and she approached, her hands once more human.

Her eyes pierced into Alja's and she had the feeling even though she currently hid her emotions the other woman could see right inside her. But of course she couldn't. She was clearly changeling. There was just an open defiance in her gaze that let Alja understand why the soldier hat let her through so easily. That woman was way tougher, than her petite frame gave her credit for. She wasn't as openly hostile as some of the other changelings seemed but she was also tensed, in a way that might turn out even more dangerous than the tension of the other predators, who were just doing their job as soldiers. No, for this woman there was something very personal in all of this. Brenna, the soldier had called her. Alja hadn't seen her or heard her name before. That meant she had to be even more careful about her than about the ones she already knew. But Brenna had also mentioned Alja's only current connection to Kaleb. And that drowned out all other considerations about her. "You talked to Judd?" Alja's voice was still hoarse. It didn't help to hide the blatant worry laced with hope that accompanied her question. But maybe that was what made the changeling's gaze finally soften.

"Yes. I am to tell you, your – the Councilor is alive. He's badly injured but he'll survive." Her energetic tone had turned calmer but it still held a strange bite to it.

Alja felt the relief wash through her. There was still the crushing weight of fear on her but for the first time since her injury she felt as if she could breathe. "Is there... Can I talk to him?"

The wolf shook her head. "He's not conscious right now."

"But he will be?"

"He already has been. They had to sedate him again. Judd says it would be better to get you to him soon. He is –" She tensed up again and paused as if she wasn't sure which word to use. Then decided on "worried." And Alja couldn't say whether that was because she wasn't used to refer to a Psy in emotional terms or whether the word wasn't enough to describe Kaleb's emotional state. Again she involuntarily remembered his reaction to the attack. The children… Alja shook her head. She couldn't think about this. "Then just take me to him."

"We will," Sascha answered from the other side of the room. She had silently stepped inside the shortly after Brenna. "But first we would like you to meet someone who can maybe help you with the Net."

More strangers. Alja's gut clenched. More strangers and all of them seemed to know about her, about Kaleb. How did they all know so much, when she hadn't known about the Ghost herself until a few weeks ago? Or didn't they know that? "What do they know?" What else do you all know? Alja wanted to ask but she had to be careful.

"We told them what was necessary: that you're an empath and you can possibly fix the damage in the Net but you need to know how a functioning emotional Net looks like. They can provide that." Sascha's tone was as gentle as always but she had made it clear that no one here considered Alja to have the right to decide about that information herself. On top of it she was still aware of Brenna silently watching her, drawing in a breath sometimes as if she wanted to speak, to ask Alja about something. Alja waited another minute. But the changeling didn't speak to her again.

"Ok. When will I meet them?" She decided she should cooperate as much as possible. They – especially Alice – had given her some insights that might help her. But really she found it harder and harder to let any of it matter. She just hoped that they let her see Kaleb soon. She tried to believe he was ok, but every time she thought of him the sound of bones cracking, the feeling of his body giving in under hers washed over her mind. And all she could see was his lifeless broken body. Once more she pushed the thoughts aside to keep functioning.

"They'll arrive shortly," Sascha said.

And they did. This time Lara sent everyone but Sascha from the room, before she allowed them in.

The first to enter her room was another predator. Not changeling, Alja thought at once but not human either. He was as tall, as broad-shouldered, but on first glance he looked more sophisticated than the changelings she'd met so far. It was a very thin façade he wore, Alja realized. That was ok. Kaleb used that kind of mask too. She could deal with that. Behind him a woman entered. Alja was barely able to see her, because the male shielded her from her view.

"Alja, these are Dev and Katya," Sascha began to introduce the newcomers. "They're…" The rest of what she said was lost to Alja when the woman finally stepped forward and made everything else black out. Because this woman was definitely Psy and she should be dead. The fact that she wasn't meant one thing and one thing only.

He'd found her again. Alja's blood froze as she tried to keep her reaction in check. Her eyes lingered only a second on the woman who meant her death. Then finally her training kicked in and she went cold. She couldn't however focus her thoughts as well as usual. The stress the injury and the blunt shock were just too much even for her Arrow-trained mind. Some part of her refused to accept that it was true. Ming couldn't be so powerful, that he could infiltrate two of the most powerful changeling packs in America, set up a scientist with knowledge from a hundred years ago and control a former Arrow, who had been working with the rebellion for years. As far as she knew. What if he'd lied to Kaleb, too. What if Kaleb… No! There had to be another explanation. Ming wasn't all powerful. It didn't make sense. If he was that powerful, he would have had other ways to get to her. Except for if this was all set up to get her to reveal details about her empathy. And she had given them everything. The web of pressure and hope they'd created around her had let her forget all her training. It had pushed her into trust beyond all reason. It was exactly the kind of trap Ming would create.

Sascha was surprised. One moment Alja had been tensed, her emotional signature a mere whisper of jumbled up feelings, consisting mainly of fear laced with hope. The next moment she practically vanished emotionally. "Alja, are you ok?" she asked tentatively.

Alja didn't answer. Deny everything! Reveal as little as possible! Finally some of her lessons came back to her. Only she had already revealed everything. She felt her throat close up as four pairs of eyes stared at her uncomprehendingly. And as hope faded, strange whispers awakened in the back of her head. You will never make it. You're too broken.

No, no, no, don't panic! She couldn't afford to panic. She reached for one of the glass-needles behind her ear with Tk. They didn't know about those. Or did they?

Ming would have known. Yet she still had them. And she wasn't even hooked up to an IV anymore. No way to drug her fast enough for her not to use her powers. Why did Ming take that risk? Maybe his influence didn't reach that far. Maybe none of them knew who that woman was.

"I was just dizzy for a moment," she lied without hesitation. "Who did you say they were, again?"

She had to eliminate the woman. Eight. A voice, that Alja had hoped never to hear again whispered. Another death. You won't survive another death at your hands. But she had to. It was her only way out. Otherwise she'd die anyway. She let the needle slip through her hair and down behind her.

"I'm Dev, this is Katya," the man answered curtly, suspicion glinting in his eye. Alja knew she had to be careful. "We were told you're trying to figure out how to bring emotion back to the PsyNet. And you need to know how emotion works inside a psychic network."

"And what enables you to give me that information?" Shit, she sounded too suspicious herself. But her mind was working on several tracks at once. A part of her concentrated her pitifully weak Tk on moving the needle down behind her bed, while another held up the conversation and yet another tried to figure out the situation.

"That's not part of the bargain." Dev's tone was sharp, icy.

The woman they'd called Katya, put a hand on his arm. "Give her a break. She's been through a lot." Turning to Alja she said: "We want to help. But we can't have you know anything more than the absolute necessary. The only reason Dev and I are here is that our faces are already known by those inside the Net."

She felt! Only now, Alja realized it. The woman's expression, tone and the way she touched her partner were almost as openly emotional as the changeling's. And within all the emotion that filled the room Alja could distinguish a gentle emotional signature from her. She paused moving the needle that had almost reached the floor. "Has Sascha shown you the images I telepathed her?" What had it been that Ming had programmed her to do? Of course he hadn't told her, but a lot of Arrows had been working on finding out about the Forgotten at the time. Alja would never forget the fear she had to suppress. After Marino told her of her origins she had never tried to reach any of her father's relatives, knowing she would only bring death to them. But when she learned about Ming's raid against the Forgotten, she'd almost risked it.

"Yes. What you call veins, looks quite similar to –" Katya broke off only to have Dev complete her sentence.

" – to a network we access."

"The Forgotten network, the ShadowNet." That had to be it. Alja tried the shot in the dark, not because she was really interested, but because it might surprise them enough so she could slide the needle along the floor. Inch by inch. What else did she know about the missions back when Ming had turned Katya into a weapon? Something around that time had catastrophically backfired and Ming had been injured badly in the wake of that. But that had been over a year ago. Ming's programming didn't last that long and he couldn't have gotten back inside her head. Alja had made sure of it. She stopped the needle again. It was almost at Katya's feet now.

"Again: Not for you to know." Dev stepped partially in front of Katya as if he could smell the threat Alja posed.

"Alja, are you sure you're up for this right now?" Sascha couldn't pinpoint what it was, but ever since Dev and Katya had entered the room the tension was climbing up and she had the feeling it had something to do with Alja. She still didn't let show much of her emotion and the little she let trough felt still like a jumbled mess of feelings. But beneath that mix there was another much darker emotion. Something that didn't feel right to her senses. It didn't feel healthy. It didn't feel sane. She silently called out to Lucas along the mating bond.

"The only thing I want to know is: Are you in the Psy Net right now? I have to know, before I give up any of my information," Alja asked. She had to be sure, she didn't make a mistake.

When Dev started to speak – undoubtedly to stonewall Alja again – Katya quickly answered. "I think that request is legit. I am not in the Net nor will I ever be again."

So she had been. Of course she had. Alja was trained not to forget faces, even if Katya's hadn't looked as healthy and as happy as it did now. If there only was a way to know for sure that she was still dangerous. She could've lied about no longer being in the Net. But if she was still Ming's puppet, Alja's life might be forfeit anyway. She had only the projection left, and that wouldn't bring her very far, if she couldn't even walk. In fact she didn't even know how the people around her would react to any emotion she might project. And she wasn't sure she'd manage anything but fear right now, which could make them run or – more likely with a bunch of predators – attack her. And she was in no way physically equipped to deal with that. But she wasn't used to trusting people either, much less a bunch of strangers, who probably harbored one of Ming's spies for over a year. It had to be the Arrow way… If she was able to drill the needle into her spine instead of her brain that would incapacitate the woman and leave Alja time enough to slip into the Net and reach Vasic to get her out. She inched the slim piece of glass up behind Katya's back. Now look what you've turned into. Assassin. Murderer. No wonder you can't figure out how to heal the Net anymore. Her insidious inner voice whispered right before everything went to shit.

"Someone's using Tk," Lucas snarled upon entering the room. His ability to detect Psy powers being used had grown more refined since mating a cardinal empath. He immediately moved to Sascha's side.

"It's her." Dev moved so fast Alja could barely have reacted, if she was fully capable. Injured and stressed out as she was she hadn't even time to flinch before his hand closed around her throat, breaking her shaky telekinetic focus. The needle dropped to the floor soundlessly. "What were you doing?"

"Dev, no!" Sascha called out stepping forward to put a hand on his shoulder. He didn't budge.

To hell with the risk. She was already being attacked, Alja thought and released a shockwave of fear against her attacker.

Dev stumbled backwards with a panicked expression, but still he kept his body in front of Katya's. "What the hell are you?" Anger was now a blade in his voice. They had told him about the projective empathy. But he hadn't expected it to be so invasive, overriding every other impulse. "That woman is dangerous."

"It's her," Alja croaked. "She's dangerous." She was looking straight through Dev, to where Katya was standing.

When Dev would've stepped forward again, Lucas blocked his way. "Remember, this is us calling in a favor." But he was tensed up with the same suspicious aggression.

"That favor doesn't include putting Katya at risk." But he stopped, his eyes nonetheless staying focused on Alja.

"Why would you think Katya is dangerous?" Sascha asked. Somehow she seemed to manage best to stay calm. It made sense. The fringes of her shockwave had probably hit everyone in the room. Being an empath too, Sascha would have been able to deal with it best.

"Because the last time I saw her, she had Ming's programming drilled so deep into her brain, she shouldn't be alive in- or outside the Net." The words dropped from her lips into the tense silence. It held for a moment.

Then Dev moved again. "That's it. I'm taking Katya out of here. She didn't sign up to be pulled into that shit again." He started pulling her to the door.

But she resisted. "No, I want to know. I have a right to know." Steely. Determined. Not the broken woman Alja had seen in one of Ming's prisons. And to Alja's surprise Dev let her go. "How do you know me?" She stepped closer.

Alja fought tensing up at her approach. Instead she listened with her empathic senses. Only traces of fear mixed with curiosity, courage and a good dose of anger.

"Tell me!" Another step closer. Alja's mind subconsciously reached for another needle.

"Katya, let it go. She'll probably just lie to you." Dev's voice had a whole different tone, when he talked to Katya, softer, warmer.

"I don't remember her. I hate not remembering. I thought I knew everything now." Her voice almost broke with frustration, Alja couldn't help but understand.

Dev wrapped his arms around Katya tightly, one hand closing around her nape. But not in a hurting way like it had with Alja's throat minutes ago. Alja remembered that kind of touch. It was how Kaleb touched her. Tears threatened to finally break now that she'd let her empathy come to the surface. And when Katya lowered her face to his chest, leaning into the touch, Alja knew: This was too detailed. Ming didn't know how to mimic emotions like this. "I saw you only a few times," she answered finally, her voice calm. No trace of the Arrow in her tone. "And you were heavily drugged at the time. That's probably why you don't remember." Alja had wondered why the woman had been medicated at the time. Ming had usually no problem to let his prisoners suffer. But probably it would have put a chink in his impression of absolute dominance, to reveal that he needed help with an absolutely airtight shieldwork. "I was allowed to see your mind, because it was my task to help building the shields for after – after he was done with you. You had his traps in your mind. They would've killed you, wiped you brain, the moment you tried any escape. They ran so deep I had no chance of even loosening them during the short glimpse I got."

"But you tried?" Katya asked directly no hint of emotion this time.

Alja had considered it; even though she was scared to death when the Councilor had requested her for her shielding skills. Just like any of the few times she had met the man after she became someone else to hide her true nature from him. She hadn't wanted to leave the woman so broken. But she'd had no choice. None of them would've gotten out alive had she tried. "No. I had neither time nor opportunity. I didn't even see, what it was he put in, just that it was thorough. But he always does that." Alja's thoughts trailed off into her own painful memories of Ming, creating a strange connection to the woman she considered to kill only minutes ago.

"So you locked me up and cut me off from the Net?" It was the worst one could do to a Psy, block his or her access to the Net that was a vital part of them all.

Yes, the killing was never all of the evil you have done, the menacing voice reminded Alja, it was just the worst bit. "Ming wanted a door, a way that could have been used in and out, so he could correct your programming whenever he thought it necessary." Alja watched Katya flinch at her words, Dev's hold tighten instantly. "I told him it was impossible. I'm sorry, I didn't do more."

"Was it? – Impossible?"

"No. I could've built in a permanent access for him." To her luck Ming hadn't known how to do that himself without constantly spending a substantial amount of his own mental energy.

"If what you say is true, you saved my life." Katya slowly turned in Dev's embrace, who looked still wary but no longer as openly hostile. It was as if Katya's gentled mood affected him too.

That was when Alja noted something else. She had found it painful to look at Sascha and Lucas. But for some reason seeing Dev and Katya together was close to unbearable. Somehow it reminded her too much of herself and Kaleb. Probably because they should have been just as unlikely a couple. "No, I didn't. It should have been impossible. It should have just given you some privacy until his programming uncoiled." She'd seen Ming's mental constructions often enough. "It should have practically rehabilitated you. Worse, it would have wiped your brain so hard there should have been physical damage. And I will be honest with you: If his work didn't finish you, mine should have in the long run. The prison I built was anchored into your brain as well. It was the only way to create such strong shields without you being a cardinal shield yourself. I thought it wouldn't matter anyway. It was all I could do at the time." Regret and disbelief accompanied her explanation.

"Turned out what you did was enough. I understand it is hard to believe for you but the secret of how it happened is not ours to tell. If you however choose to trust us in spite of it, I think we're ready to help you now if you want." Trust still was fragile between them, doubt hanging thick in the air. But Katya had decided to build a bridge. It was Alja's turn to step on it.

In the end the decision was easy: She had to grab on to every sliver of hope she could get, because she'd been running out of it for a long time. And even now she wasn't sure it would be enough.

They kept working and discussing for hours. It was obvious the Forgotten had the kind of veins that Alja couldn't find in the PsyNet. But none of them had ever heard of someone who'd been able to touch them. They involved Alice again via video call, broke down multiple walls of mistrust simply because all sides knew what hung in the balance, but in the end Alja wasn't much closer to a solution than before. Dev had even contacted another Forgotten in the process, who allegedly had empathic abilities too. "She said she can't imagine how to access those veins. The emotion has always been just there. It isn't integrated into the Net by some psychic power. It simply seeps out of all the minds that make up the Net. No one needs to influence that."

It confirmed Alja's worst fears. Either the Net or she was too damaged to build up a lasting effect with her powers. And with that realization the whispers in the back of her head grew louder again. Look at what you do to all of them. Your Parents, Marino, Katya, Elizabeta – And now Kaleb. You don't heal. You bring death and suffering. She tried not to listen. It got harder and harder. Kaleb had stabilized her during the last weeks, but right now despair was closing in on her. And he wasn't here to stop it. Even though he might be alive, something inside her insisted she had lost him – in more ways than one – and it made her fragile peace of mind crumble to pieces. You've turned into the opposite you were supposed to be, when you killed. It broke you. You're too damaged to heal the Net. You're not a cure. You're a disease. She wished it was still the little voice whispering to her. Wished she could separate her self from those thoughts, discard them as madness. But she couldn't. They were her own and they were so damn logical. It had to be true, after everything she tried she should've found a way by now. And she couldn't justify tainting everyone around her with death any longer. She wrenched the thoughts down with iron willpower. She purposefully risked a split in her soul again just to stabilize a little longer. But it was too much. It wouldn't hold for long. And paradoxically it would be Kaleb who tipped the balance in the end, because he was the one sacrifice she wasn't ready to make.