Blank::Kartik/Aman
Chapter II: Man At'Kiya Be-Parwaah De Naal
Aman is sitting in their apartment kitchen floor with his life and memories scattered all around the floor. He picks up a photo of him and Kartik where Kartik took him by surprise with peck on his cheeks as they were clicking the photo. Memory is cystal clear but his vision is blurred by the tears, looking around he finds himself in a utter mess. A week of complete and utter chaos, pain and constant battle of emotions that Aman had been quietly dealing within himself.
Kartik's memory loss has left him utterly broken and it seems his memories not only took Aman away but a part of Kartik too. He isn't the same person anymore, he is merely a shadow of Kartik which is killing Aman slowly and painfully.
After Aman's meltdown Doctor Keshav, had calmed Aman down before discussing the entire situation of Kartik.
'Aman, main samajh sakta...' (Aman, I can understand...)
"Kya ganta samajhte hain aap?" (How the hell you can understand?)
Aman looses his cool, his emotions are all over the place. "Kya pata hai aapko? Meri taqleef? Kartik ki taqleef?" (What does you know? My pain? Kartik's pain?) Tears roll down yet again from his eyes. "I've lost him." Doctor sympathies with Aman.
"Humne poora check up kiya hai. Unfortunately, Kartik is suffering from retrograde amnesia." (We have conducted full check up. Unfortunately, Kartik is suffering from retrograde amnesia.)
"What?"
"Brain mein kaafi dair tak oxygen na hone ki wajah se partial memory loss howa hai, woh apni zindagi ke peechle 3 saal bhool chukay hain. Us 3 saal mein aapko aur har us cheez, insaan ko bhool chukay hain." (Due to lack of oxygen for quite sometime he has suffered a partial memory loss, due to which he forgot last 3 years of his life. In those 3 years, whom he met, anything happened, he doesn't remember them.) His world comes to a stand still, he can see Dr. Keshav talking but voice wasn't reaching to his ears.
"Aman..." Dr. Keshav tries to get his attention.
"Look, I understand ke sab kitna mushkil hai process karna par aapko himmat karni paregi, Kartik ke liye, woh..." (Look, I understand that it is difficult for you to process but you need to be strong, for Kartik, he..)
"Kya usne kuch kaha?" A hope rises in his broken heart. (Did he said something?)
"Woh pooch raha tha tumhare baare mein." (He was asking about you.)
"Main ussay mil..." Aman tries to get up but Dr stops him. (I want to see him...)
"Aman please meri baat suno. Kartik abhi bohut vurnarable hai aur sab process karne ke liye time lagega. Maine Kartik se baat ki hai usko dheere dheere es condition ka ehsaas karwaya hai aur tumhare baare mein bhi bataya hai. Umeed hai ke uski memory waapis ajayegi." (Aman please listen to me. Kartik is quite vulnerable right now and it will take him time to process everything. I have spoken to Kartik and slowly I have made him aware of his condition. Hopefully it will help with his memory.)
"Lekin kab tak?" Silence, followed by Dr Keshav looking down at his notes. (But when?)
"Doctor?"
"Aman... kuch kaha nahi jaa sakta. Hosakta hai jaldi waapis ajaye, hosakta hai kaafi time lag jaye yaan... shayad kabhi nahi. Aman, I know I am asking for a lot but with your patience and love, it is possible..." (Aman, I can't say anything right now. Maybe he will regain his memories soon, or maybe it'll take time or maybe... never.)
"What if it's not enough?" 'What if I am not enough?' A scary thought runs across his mind sending shivers down his body. He cannot allow this to happen, he will not let this happen. Fight, that's what Aman will do and even if he has to fight destiny, he will but not let Kartik taken away from him, not now, not again.
"I want to take him home." Determined to fight Aman decides to take Kartik home, Dr Keshav agrees to it before he proceeds to do some final check up before leaving. He also warns him to be careful with Kartik he is quite vulnerable and it will take him time to adjust to all this.
Aman sits there absolutely lost wishing nothing but to run to Kartik's room and hold him into his arms and never letting him go but he squishes it knowing Kartik wouldn't allow that right now. He is still unable to process the fact Kartik would be looking at him as complete stranger.
His phone vibrates for nth time making him aware of the messages keep coming in his inbox and Whatsapp, he opens them finally to see all messages from his family. It dawns to him in midst of all this he never mentioned to his family what happened. With shaking hands he calls his home to break the news. He doesn't even get the chance to say something and he is bombarded with questions.
"Ab yaad ayi hai baap ki? Do din se hum sab phone kar rahe hain na tum utha rahe ho, na hi Kartik..." As soon he hears Kartik's name a river breaks inside him and he starts sobbing which causes a sudden silence on the other side of phone. (Now you remember your father? We all have been trying to contact for last two days. Nor you are picking up nor Karik...)
"Aman? Kya howa hai?" His dad asks him with clear worry in his tone and suddenly his entire family is on phone asking him what is going on but Aman keeps crying. (Aman, what happened?)
"Aman shaant hoja... mera baccha... shaant ho." His mum tries to calm him over the phone which helps Aman enough to utter these words. (Aman calm down.. my baby... calm down.)
"Kartik...woh... mujhe bhol gaya, mummy." This is the first time he managed to these words out loud making him realise it is all true, not a nightmare from which he can wake up. (Kartik... he... forgot me, mummy.)
"Kya? Kya keh raha hai?" He can hear almost everyone asking same question but when his crying doesn't stop, Sunaina and Shankar tries to calm him firstly. Once a bit calm, Aman speaks to them again finally narrating them the entire incident while tears keep dropping from his eyes and finishes with one sentence again and again "Woh mujhe bhool gaya, woh sab kuch bhool gaya." Leaving he entire family is in shock and tears. (What? What do you mean?) (He forget me, he forgot everything.)
"Main ticket katwata hon, hum arahe hain, Aman tu fikar mat kar." Aman hears Chamam Chacha speak, at first he is relieved but second later he asks his family not to come yet because it might overwhelm Kartik. It was hard because they were adamant on it but realising it's best for Kartik and Aman's promise to keep them up to date and bringing Kartik home soon finally does stop the entire family from coming here. (I'm booking tickets, we are coming, don't worry, Aman.)
Aman hangs up upon arrival of Dr Keshav who tells him he can now take Kartik home. A dread settles within him when he walks towards Kartik's room gathering whatever strength he can, wiping away any traces of tears from his face, mustering up a smile, he finally walks in the room. Kartik is sitting on his bed and out of that horrible hospital gown into his own clothes, completely lost in his thoughts.
Aman's footsteps make Kartik aware that he is no longer alone, looking up his eyes meet with Aman's, making other's heart skip a beat.
"You are my husband." The sentence carefully formes from Kartik's lips as if he has been saying over and over again until he remembers and Aman's heart breaks yet again.
"Gh... ghar chalein?" It seemed like more of a question than a statement as if the other man would refuse. Said man doesn't utter anything else just nods his head and gets up from the bed, following Aman as they make their way out of the hospital. (Let's go home?)
They came back home which waa no longer home for either of them. Kartik went completely quiet, speaking only when necessary, avoiding Aman at any cost. Aman let it slide with heavy heart for first few days letting Kartik settle in at his own pace, no matter if it was costing Aman his everything but at least Kartik was there, in a flesh even if his soul, heart and mind were elsewhere. Kartik had done his best to roll himself in a tiny ball and try to appear invisible every time they would share space even for a bit. Sharing space... they were barely sharing any space in their apartment because Kartik refused to be in the same room as Aman, he tried to move out of bedroom after a meltdown but Aman convinced him to stay saying he would sleep in guest room.
Every surface, every part of their home was a reminder of their lives, their safe haven filled with love and warmth was now cold and distant. Every night, Aman would stand by bedroom threshold for hours trying to peak at his love, making sure he would sleep well before pulling himself together and walking away. Every night he would spend crying, sometimes on phone to his family, talking about everything and nothing, sometimes just sitting by the bedroom threshold, numb, only to get up before Kartik is awake and walking away.
One morning Aman finds Kartik looking at their photos on the fridge which he had been purposely avoiding previously. He has this curious look on his face with hint of a smile on his lips as he watches their photos but it vanishes as soon he feels Aman's presence; Aman tries not to let it get to his heart but it still stings. Seeing this as an opportunity to talk he starts sharing stories behind the pictures.
"Yeh humari first date thi." Aman tries hard not to notice how Kartik flinches away. "Aur yeh humari.. third date thi.. aur yeh..." Aman points towards each photo and just goes into story about each picture. The more he talks about them, the more Kartik starts to fidget and avoids looking at Aman. (This was our first date.) (This is our... third date... and this...)
"Kya howa, Kartik?" Aman notices Kartik's uneasineas and stops his story in middle. (What happened, Kartik?)
"Kuch nahi." He is avoiding eye contact. (Nothing.)
Carefully, Aman takes Kartik's hand into his and kisses it gently. Touch, one more thing taken away from them. Kartik has always been the one to convey his feelings, his moods with touch than words, after they started dating Aman realised how much Kartik was touch starved and so was he. They would revel in each other's touch and soon it was like breathing. A gentle crease, hand holding, pecks, hugs... it was like breathing and Aman knows how much both are touch starved right now but seeing Kartik always pulling away from his presence, Aman could barely touch his love. Otherwise, he would just take the other man in his arms with intention of never letting him go. He now realise that Kartik's touch was also a privilege that he had taken for granted many times and now what he wouldn't do to have his baby in his arms again, to be able to touch him, kiss him, hold him.
"Kartik, sab theek hojayega. Tumhe sab yaad ajayega." As if someone stepped into a mine-field, one wrong step and bomb is triggered within Kartik. Suddenly he pulls his hand back from Aman and pulls away from him. (Kartik, everything will be fine. You will remember everything.)
"Sab theek hojayega? Yaad ajayega? Mujhe yaad hai main koun hon! Lekin tum jisse dhond rahe ho na woh main nahi hon." He turns towards fridge and looks at the photos, he starts to take those photos off from fridge, almost ripping them apart while Aman standing dumbstruck. He turns to Aman with photos in his hand. (Everything will be fine? I will remember? I remember who I am! But who you are looking for isn't me.)
"Yeh sab tumhari zindagi hogi, meri nahi hai... kuch yaad nahi hai mujhe aur yeh sab mujhe bas pareshaan kar rahi hain. Yeh ghar, har cheez. Tum bhi." The pictures carelessly falls from his hands, Aman is unable to breathe as if someone just choking life out of his body with their bear hands. (This all is your life, not mine... I don't remember everything and all this is making me upset. This house. Everything. Even you.)
"Dum ghut raha hai yahan mera... mujhe jana hai yahan se." With this Kartik walks out of the house and Aman sinks into his knees on kitchen floor watching his life fall apart in front of his eyes, all their memories scattered all over the place. ( I feel suffocated here... I want to leave from here.)
Hopefully you'll enjoyed it. :) Next chapter will explore Kartik's thoughts as Aman battles for their love.