"Alright, now the important thing to remember is to hold the reins lightly, but not too loose. The reins are how you talk to the horses, understand?"
Jordan giggled happily, as she sat on Nick's lap.
The ranch was picking up supplies and Angela had-much to her pride-been entrusted with Silas's grocery list. That mean bringing Jordan along. Nick was taking the opportunity to teach the toddler the fine points of controlling a two-horse hitch, much to the child's delight.
"Jeez Nick, why didn't you leap right into having her control six horses at once?" Heath drawled.
"Saving that for the trip home." Nick answered happily.
They pulled up in front of the dry good store and Nick helped Angela and Jordan down.
"You two wait here, I'm going to place the ranch order, then we'll go to the grocer where Silas gets his supplies.
Angela nodded shyly.
Nick eyeballed the little girl standing by the wagon.
"Jordan, do you want some candy?"
The little girl brightened, nodding enthusiastically.
"I'll bring you some…you wait here for me, alright?"
She smiled happily as she listened to his voice rumbling in the store, finishing up his purchases, then her eye was caught by a familiar color. It was the cream color head of the beautiful palomino owned, unfortunately, by town bully, chronic whiner and rich boy Duncan Tap. He tied the horse to the pole and started to stump into the store, snarling as the little girl approached.
"Barkley! Is this your mongrel? Keep her on a leash."
Nick appeared in store door, wondering what was going on in time to see Jordan stumble slightly and grab Tap's arm for balance. The bully yanked his arm away from the soft touch, and knocked the little girl to the ground.
"For Christ's sake Barkley," he snapped, "Keep the little n-r away from me."
Instantly Nick's vision turned a vivid maroon and a sound like rushing water filled his ears; a dull roar that drowned out everything else. He couldn't hear the sound of his fists pounding the stout southerner, or the surprised grunts of pain that rapidly turned into mewling cries for mercy. He didn't hear his brothers shouting at him to stop, to get control of himself and calm down. He was unaware of it all until he felt arms wrapping around his chest and neck, pulling him away from the one-sided battle and holding him back while his vision slowly returned to normal and the beserker rage drained away. It was only then that he heard Jordan crying loudly as she clung to Angela's dress.
"Let me go." He tried to get to Jordan but the hands gripping him held fast. He felt the fury rising again and wrenched free of his brothers. "GET OFF ME!"
Jarrod and Heath eyed him warily, positioning themselves between the angry cowboy and his victim. They needn't have bothered; Nick had already forgotten the man.
"Jordan?" He asked. He watched stricken with guilt as Jordan flinched away and cried louder.
"Mista Barkley, why don' I take her away to calm down, sum" Angela picked up the little girl and retreated several steps, moving carefully away from the whimpering man on the sidewalk.
"Why don't you wait in my office." Jarrod suggested wearily. "I'll see if I can't sort this mess out."
Nick watched miserably as the sobbing toddler was led away. Jarrod shook his head.
It took hours to sort out with the sheriff, and by the time they were done, Heath had taken Angela and Jordan home.
bvbvbvbvbvbvbvbv
Supper had been a subdued affair. Jordan had still been upset and frightened and Angela asked to postpone the reading lesson. Jarrod was annoyed at once again having been pulled into clean up duty over a brawl Nick had been involved in. Heath was late because he had taken Angela and Jordan home immediately and then made a second trip into town to pick up the supplies. All in all, it had been a cheerless group and for once Victoria was relieved when everyone left for bed early.
She had settled herself in but shortly found she was unable to get any rest. Finally, she gave up and went downstairs to find a book to read and was startled to find Nick sitting alone in the dark, not reading, not working on the books, not even with a drink in his hand, simply sitting and staring blankly into the flames of the fire.
"Nick?"
The shadowed figure moved slightly, but didn't respond.
"Nick, are you all right?"
"Yes." The response was barely audible, making up her mind for her. She started to turn up the light in the room so she could see him.
"Don't." It wasn't an order, just a softly worded request. "Best leave the lights off. I'm trying to…. I'm trying to figure…." His voice trailed off again and Victoria seated herself beside him, troubled at his reticence.
"Is this about Jordan?"
"Yes." A moment's pause " , not her specifically, but I…when I realized I frightened her I looked at myself, tried to see what she had seen and…" He trailed off again and Victoria felt his hand enfolding hers tightly. She stroked her fingers reassuringly, reminded of a child seeking the safety of a parent's grip in a frightening darkness. "I've been thinking that I am very much like Bobby Bats."
Victoria was appalled at the comparison. "Nick, how could you think you are anything like that dreadful man? He was a rapist and a murderer and a-"
"Very violent man." Nick finished quietly. "So am I."
Victoria gripped her son's hand, shaking it slightly for emphasis. "You have nothing in common with Bobby Bats."
"Really?" Had the voice not been so weary and shell shocked, she would have thought it scoffing. "I'd say we have a great deal in common. We both get angry and act without thought to the consequences. We both lash out at things... At PEOPLE when we're upset. It's only a matter of how often it happens. When Bobby Bats got angry he murdered people. Innocents. I've done the same."
"When?" Victoria demanded. "When have you ever murdered someone like that man did? Nick, you get angry and you lash out, but you've never-"
"I have." The answer was quiet, self-condemning. "Do you remember me telling you about Tommy? About how his mother was killed by two men and how I had to take him to New England to stay with his Aunt's?"
It was hardly something she would forget, that two-month period of near despair at her sons' disappearance.
"Yes."
"I was the one who killed her." His voice was still soft; oblivious to the dizzying sense of vertigo she was feeling. "They came up behind us in the alley and demanded my money. They had their guns pulled, they had the advantage…I should have just turned it over. But when I realized we were being robbed I was furious. I was thinking 'How DARE they?' and that I wasn't going to let them rob me. ME! My money, my pride…And that's all I was thinking. Julia was right next to me, she was right in the line of fire … and I didn't even think of her. I never once considered her safety. I just… I pulled my gun and I fired. When they shot back they hit Julia."
He turned to face her and for the first time she could see into his troubled, guilt stricken eyes.
"I killed her. I didn't fire the bullet, but I killed her. She died because I was too angry to think of anything but my pride."
"That doesn't make you the same as Bobby Bats." Victoria kept her voice level and firm, trying to interject confidence into a son who had become increasingly shaky and uncertain over the last year.
"Same result, just as if Bobby Bats got angry and decided to gun her down. Julia was dead; a little boy lost his mother and all for what?" His voice broke "Seventy-three dollars." She felt hot droplets stinging her hand. "I didn't even stop to consider that her life was worth more than seventy-three dollars."
The dark figure next to her struggled to get his breathing under control again while she grieved silently for him, wondering why she never could seem to find a way to comfort this one particular child of hers. She had five children now, and when the other four were in trouble she would unhesitatingly step in to assist, whether that assistance was wanted or not. But with Nick, somehow she was powerless to give him what he needed.
"When we were kids," his voice was dull and flat "I remember asking Pappy why Jamis Iverson had been hung. I can remember people talking about his hanging and I remember the gallows being built in town, but I didn't hear anyone say what he'd done. I asked Jarrod one day why they were going to hang him and he said it was because Jamis Iverson was selfish. I didn't know then that Jarrod was just trying to scare me into giving him some of the cookies you'd packed for lunch.
"Years later, Preacher Carver was talking about Iverson in some sermon. He said Jamis was broke and hit someone over the head to steal drinking money. Iverson never meant to kill the man, but he never thought about what might happen to the poor guy either. Preacher Carver said Jamis Iverson's evil was rooted in selfishness. So, Pappy'd been right all along."
'All Jamis Iverson cared about was getting a drink. All Bobby Bats cared about was having a 'good time' with a woman. All I cared about was my anger, my pride. Innocent people died because of it. That's what Jordan saw today. That's what frightened her."
"It's not the same." She whispered, knowing it wasn't good enough.
"I think, maybe, it is."
Victoria couldn't see her son's eyes in the dark, and was grateful for that small mercy. There was a whisper of a sound and they turned to see Jordan, standing in the doorway, clutching an empty glass in her hand.
"Hey, little girl."
Brown eyes studied Nick quietly, and he felt emboldened to touch her hand.
"Thirsty?"
Jordan nodded silently.
"Here." He poured some water into the glass and watched her sip at for a minute.
"Is that better?"
She fidgeted silently in response.
"Jordan, Sweetie I didn't mean to scare you. I would never hurt you." The sad brown eyes were still watching him and he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Jordan."
She nodded slowly.
"We friends again?"
The little girl nodded again and held out her arms to him. Victoria felt a painful mixture of envy and relief as Nick picked up the baby and eased into the rocking chair. She wanted to be the one to comfort her son and she was embarrassed at being jealous of an infant. Nick stroked Jordan's back gently and rolled slowly in the old wooden rocker. A memory flashed in Victoria's mind of her eternally rushing son slowing down in the same way to rock his little sister in that exact chair and her jealousy faded away, replaced with wonder at how gentle her sometimes jagged son could be. Jordan took her thumb out of her mouth and looked up at Nick.
"lulby."
Nick smiled slightly. "Oh, we better let your mom sing the lullabies. I just promised not to scare you again, remember?"
"Wan' lulby."
"I'm not much of a singer."
"LULBY!"
"Shush, shush, all right. Just remember, you asked for this. Umm… Lullaby, do I even know a lullaby?"
Victoria smiled and quietly left her son rocking the child. She only paused halfway up the stairs when she heard his voice whisper a song she'd sung to him long ago.
"Where are you going, my little one? Little one?
Where are you going, my baby, my own?
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four.
Turn Around and you're a young one going out of my door.
Where are you going, my little one? Little one?
Pigtails and petticoats, where are you going?
Turn around and you're tiny
Turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
Where have you gone, my little one? Little one?
Where have you gone, my young one, my own?
Turn around and you're young,
Turn around and I'm old.
Turn around and you're all gone and I've no one to hold.
Personal Note: I was always appalled at Nick's actions at the end of "The Night Of The Wolf." There just seemed to be a complete disregard, a carelessness for the fact that he had Julia Right next to him and in the line of fire yet got into a shootout with two men who already had their weapons pulled. I wanted him to realize that his temper and actions don't just affect him they affect the people around him, sometimes as in the case of Julia and Tommy, in devastating ways. It's something he needs to understand if he's ever going to grow. And lastly, I did not write the beautiful Lullaby, it was written by Malvina Reynolds and I first heard it when I was about five. It wasn't until I got on the internet that I was able to find it again. I did however add the third line of lyrics so that it's not just a song Nick is singing to Jordan, it's a song that is about Victoria and how her children have grown up. I've always thought that knowing you children have lives of their own must feel incredibly lonely for their parents.