"Hey Nick." Doc Marten studied the cowboy standing near the ranch entrance. "You don't look so good."
"I got into a fight." Nick's face was drawn and his eyes had dark circles under them.
"I heard. That bully, right? What's his name? Tep?"
"Tapp. He pushed Jordan down and she started to cry. She wasn't hurt, really. Just...toddler hurt, ya know? And when he did I just..I started hitting him, and hitting him and…." He paused for a moment. "I terrified her. I terrified Jordan. She was so scared of me, of my temper."
'That moment she was afraid of me, she saw a terrible creature. She saw a monster...someone who could hurt her. That's what she saw when she looked at me." He looked at the Doc with haunted eyes.
"All the times I've lost my temper and punched someone or started a fight or just...taken it out of someone I didn't really think of them as affecting anyone but me. I punch someone, they punch me back. I end up with a bloody nose. But it isn't really that simple, is it?" He looked at Doc Marten who shook his head slowly.
"No. No, it's not. I've always thought of an act of violence as being something like a rock that lands in a quiet pond. It sends out ripples in all directions. And you can't even see most of what happens, it all occurs under the surface. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. "
Nick ran his hands through his ragged hair. "I feel like hell."
"So, what are you going to do about it?"
Nick was silent for a minute, then looked at Doc Marten. "Can you teach me how to control my temper? I mean, really control it?"
"Come on. Let's take a walk."
BVBVBVBVBV
Doc waited until they had circled back towards the restocked fish pond.
"Alright, you said once that when you get angry you literally see red. right?" He started.
Nick nodded unhappily.
"When that happens, do you decide to hit someone, or does it just happen? "
"What do you mean?" Nick was baffled.
"Just that."Doc Marten probed. "Do you have a moment between when you get angry with someone and when you hit them?"
Nick considered the question.
"Yeah, usually. It may be a quick moment but it's there."
"Good. The first thing you need to do is hold onto that moment. Just hold onto it, stay on its back like one of those broncs you ride."
Nick eyed him doubtfully. "How long?"
The Doc held up a finger. "One second. Just one second. Then one second more. Then one more. Just think of it in terms of holding it for one second until that first rush, that first wave is gone. Can you do that?"
"How do I do that?" Nick was irritated. He'd hoped for something…..well, easier.
Doc paused.
"Let me see your knuckles."
"Why do you want to see my knuckles?" Nick demanded.
"Just let me see them." Doc insisted.
Nick shrugged and pulled off his gloves revealing bruises and cuts on his left hand.
Doc peered carefully. "Aren't you righthanded?"
"Yeah, so?" What did this have to do with his temper?
"Well, it looks like you hit him with your left hand, not your right hand." He pointed out.
"Yeah. Hit someone with my right hand and it hurts: hurts a lot." It made Nick wince just to think about it.
"There's your answer. When you hit that moment where you start seeing red, hit your right hand on something. Smack against your leg, or your left hand or rap it on a fence post. When you do the pain should give you something to ground you, something to concentrate on rather than on being angry."
Nick thought about it for a moment, feeling slightly more hopeful. "That makes sense."
"Alright, you're going to use that moment to pull your mind together. Instead of focusing on how mad you are, I want you to think about Jordan. Think about how frightened she was, because I guarantee that's going to give you another moment." Doc pointed out.
"Why am I doing this, though?"
"Because we want to buy you time." Doc Marten explained patiently. "We want to give you time between the moment you get angry to when you take an action about it. You see, your problem is you haven't been taking that time. You get angry and instantly react. We want to give you time to get past that first burst of anger so that you can calm down enough to ask the first important question: Is this person deliberately trying to make me mad?"
"Like that time Carl and his friends started riding me about the stupid sheep?" Nick grasped.
"Exactly. Their goal was to make you mad. What did you do?"
"Got mad. Then got beaten up." Nick said with a somewhat hangdog look on his face.
"Right. And once you can stop and consider that question you can ask the next important one. Why? Why does this person want to make you angry? Because what you want to do is decide, is literally, is this person worth fighting with, physically or verbally. I'm guessing that most of the time, once you get that far, the answer is 'no.'" Doc explained.
"What if I can't do that right away?" Nick demanded.
"That's why you're going start with the small things." Doc answered. "The next time something-anything-makes you angry, I want you to stop and ask yourself 'Is this on purpose?' Because if it's not on purpose, what's the point in getting mad about it? Chances are it won't actually solve anything."
"Start little, is what you mean?"
"That's the idea. There must be things around the ranch that frustrate you ten times a day."
"Easily." Nick snorted in agreement.
"Start with those. If you feel like you're losing your temper in any situation, try stepping back. Remember when I asked you to describe yourself as if Nick Barkley was a separate person? Try that. Ask yourself, is this person trying to purposefully make Nick Barkley mad? Give yourself a buffer so it doesn't feel so personal; make it easier to handle." Doc fell encouraged.
"Is that it?" Nick asked somewhat plaintively.
"Oh no," Doc Marten assured him "There are other things to do. This is just what we can cover today. I don't want to give you so many things to worry about they become impossible to keep up with."
Nick thought about it for a bit. He was a trifle disappointed; he supposed he was being stupid really. It wasn't as if Doc Marten could waive a magic wand and fix his temper like a fairy godmother turning a pumpkin into a carriage. The things he suggested sounded very easy, which made Nick suspect they were actually very hard. Scratch that…they HAD to be hard or he probably would already have better control of his temper.
But he liked the idea of thinking of himself, or maybe his temper as someone else, as Nicholas Jonathon Barkley, or just Jonathon. If he was getting mad just ask himself: 'Is someone trying to get Jonathon's goat and if so, why?" He could do that. He felt just a sliver of optimism.
"I'll give it a try."