I remember somewhere or someone, I don't even remember where, when or who said this, could have been in a movie or it even could have been in real life. Anyway, I heard someone say once to stay emotional detached, especially in times like these because people die all of the time. It doesn't matter how strong you are, how smart you are, how bad you are or how good you are…it just doesn't matter. People are going to die. Period. They did anyway but there's a lot more of it going on at once now.

Maybe I should have taken that advice. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten close with someone and then even closer with more people. Maybe I shouldn't have started a family. Things are falling apart, they are worse than they have ever been.

Just weeks after my precious little gem turned four, she had taken a turn for the worst. She threw up everything she ate, she got weaker and sicker. I knew that the only way she was going to get better was a miracle. And that's not going to happen…

I hated seeing her this way, what was happening to her…to my baby. Her gorgeous amber hair was falling out, her beautiful eyes were no longer an emerald and a sapphire, they looked glassy and dead. Her pretty, little lips were not ruby red anymore, they were pale and dry. The disease even took her soft, light skin making it get bruises and veins showing through. She wasn't perfect anymore. But she was still my precious little gem.

My Gemma was tough…and sweet. And despite everything that was happening to her, she was happy. She still managed to keep a smile on her little face. I know four is too young to understand what this sickness was and why it was doing what it was to her, but I think she did know. She did know what was happening to her…and she accepted it…with a smile on her face.

So…it was almost impossible to stay detached. I loved her no matter what. And I knew what was going to eventually happen. As I said before, we needed a miracle…but that kind of stuff only happens in movies. I was not naive enough to think that this horrible disease was just going to go away and Gemma would be okay and we would all live happily ever after. This disease, this demon inside of her was taking her. It was taking my daughter. My precious little gem…and there was nothing I could do about it.

The twins were about to turn ten soon…I think? I'm not sure what the date is. I don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff anymore. I never knew what day it was or what time it is anymore. It didn't matter to me. All that I was doing was making sure Gemma was happy and comfortable.

Anyway…the twins. They were old enough now that they needed to switch bedrooms. So…Dallas took Gemma's room and Gemma moved in with LB. We let the girls have the bigger room because they had to share space, so it only seemed fair.

Dallas and LB really stepped up and helped with their younger sister, despite them still being kids themselves. They might be young, but they were old enough to know what was going on here now. They knew about their sister being sick and they knew that mommy and daddy were still having problems. I hated that they had to deal with this as well. But…there isn't much you can do about that.

Well one particular day, I was fixing something for Gemma while she rested. I was scrubbing the blood out of her sheets(I should say, trying to) because the washing machine wasn't doing the job. I heard the twins talking but I wasn't listening, my mind was used to wandering by now. I just sat there like a robot and continued what I was doing instead of getting involved in the conversation. Instead of being involved and knowing what goes on in my other kids' lives.

"It's a special day today." I heard LB say. I did not reply. "Mommy?" She pressed.

"Yes?" I asked flatly.

"Is there anything you want to say to me?" LB said again. I glanced up at her, she was grinning at me. I heard what she said but it didn't fully sink in.

I didn't even think about her question really. So, I just said the first thing that came to mind. "You look nice, sweetheart." Then went back to what I was doing.

There was a brief pause, then I heard LB huff. "Seriously, mom?" She said.

I looked up again. "What? I said you look nice."

She put her arms out angrily. "Unbelievable." She said and walked away. I didn't know what that was all about and I truthfully didn't care. I didn't have the time or patience for drama.

"Mommy?" Dallas then said. "It's our birthday."

I immediately stopped what I was doing and looked up wide-eyed, desperately looking around for a calendar. I saw it and the date. I gasped. It was their birthday! I'm an asshole. I looked back at my son, my sweet boy, hoping that he would understand.

"You mean you really forgot our birthday?" He said sadly. I didn't say anything, I couldn't. He slowly slid off of his chair and walked away like LB did.

I sighed and put my head in my hands. Things have gotten more difficult. I can't remember anything anymore. Unless it pertains to Gemma, that is. Still…I can't believe that I forgot my own kids' birthday. How could I have even done that? How could I do that to them? "I'm such a dummy." I said out loud.

"Well, talkin' to yerself ain't gonna help." Daryl said.

I looked up at him. "Did you know it was their birthday?" He didn't reply to that. "Did you? Did you remember?" Things were quiet for a moment. Daryl finally just nodded. I sighed and put my head in my hands again for a moment. "God." I said stressed out. I looked back up at him. "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me?"

His expression seemed to harden. "You really layin' this on me?"

"No, I'm not laying this on you." I snapped. "But you could have at least told me, before…that happened." I pointed in the direction that the twins went in.

"Well, I didn't thank I had to. Ya are their mother." He said roughly. "Ya do have two other kids, ya know? Or did ya ferget about 'em?" He began to walk away. "I would never thought I would say somethin' like that but now, I could see it."

His words cut deep, mainly because I knew that they were true. I put my head down and sighed. I just can't handle all this anymore. My eyes formed with tears and I just let them fall, I wouldn't even have cared if that room was filled with people. It had to come out. I sat there at the kitchen table sobbing. I saw Daryl stop and turn back around but I didn't say anything to him or even look at him.

He stayed there for a moment, then walked back over to me. I felt him gently place his hands on my shoulders. "Hey, I'm sorry." He said softly. "I'm sorry, okay?" I didn't say anything. "Look…I don't wanna fight. I didn't mean to be immature just then. I know it's hard. I ferget thangs too. Try not to let it bother ya too much."

I took a deep breath. "It's my kids' birthday though. I should have known. And did you see their little faces? They looked so upset."

"They'll get over it." Daryl answered quickly, he started rubbing my back. "They're kids. All ya gots to do is make it up to 'em. Give 'em some candy or somethin'."

I thought about what my husband just said and laughed. I actually laughed…and it was a real laugh. "You're right." I finally said and wiped my tears. I was beginning to calm down and feel better.

"Yeah." Daryl said and kissed my forehead. "Everythang's okay."

I exhaled sharply and became serious again at his words. Everything is not okay. And it never will be again. I decided not to say that though. I didn't want to ruin the moment and make things bad again. I just nodded even though I didn't believe that.

"Gemma has a doctor's appointment in a bit." I said looking at my husband. "I would appreciate it if you came with me."

Daryl and I sat there waiting for the doctor to come in and talk with us after giving Gemma her treatments and examination. When we first started doing this, back when I had some hope, we used to hold hands. I guess it was a way of comforting each other. We didn't have to do that anymore though. I think we have both become immune to the pain. We didn't get shocked anymore when we heard things the doctor said.

And so, we just sat there. Not talking, not touching. It was like we were two separate patients waiting to see the doctor. Two strangers that didn't even know each other. Maybe I did become emotional detached. That's how I was feeling right now. That's how I was feeling at home too.

I shook all of those thoughts when the doctor walked in. "Okay." He said with a sigh.

"Yeah?" I said. "What bad news do you have to tell us this time?"

Dr. Cohen looked at me and sighed again. "Well…if we're being straight forward…the treatments aren't working like they used to." He said shaking his head. My mouth pressed into a thin line and I kind of nodded. I knew something bad was coming, I just knew it. "It won't be long that they stop working at all. If we weren't in the situation we're in and this happened before the turn…I would have stopped the treatments altogether by now because of her poor health."

"So what do we do about that?" Daryl asked roughly.

The doctor sighed again. When a doctor acts stressed out like that, you know it's never good. "Well, I'm afraid there's only a few options we have here." He said looking down at his notes. "We could either up her treatments, which means more doctor visits for the poor little girl. Or we could try something different, something stronger but I won't lie, it is going to make her sick. Worse than she is now." He gave us a serious look. "By the way, she needs another blood transfusion and I think we should start—

"Wait." I cut the doctor off. "You said there was a third option." I stated. He gave me a questioning look. "You said a FEW options. That means three, but you only named two. So, what's the third option, doc?" I could feel Daryl looking at me, but I ignored his stare.

Dr. Cohen seemed hesitant and cleared his throat before speaking again. "…the third options is…we just stop the treatments altogether now."

I honestly felt a sense of peace hearing him say that. I mean…that option makes the most sense out of all of them to me. That poor little girl has been through enough already.

"No." Daryl said. "We keep trying. As much as we can." I guiltily felt annoyed after he said that.

"Well, Daryl, as I was saying…she needs another blood transfusion and I think we should start looking for a kidney donor. If you go through with that." Dr. Cohen said. Kidney donor? The other one was already removed. My God.

"Well, of course we're gonna go through with it." Daryl said. I felt him glance at me and when I didn't look at him, he looked back at me. I could feel him staring at me, but I just kept my head straight.

"Well, just a few more things and then you can be out of—

"You know what, Dr Cohen?" I blurted out. "I kind of just want to let my daughter go." They both looked at me. "I don't want…my daughter to have to live with only one kidney. I don't want her to have to go through anymore of this. She's been through too much as it is already."

"Abby?" Daryl questioned. I glanced at him, I never saw him so surprised.

"Well, that's completely up to you." The doctor said.

"So, you agree?" I said with raised eyebrows. "You think we should stop the treatments?"

"Well, no, I didn't say that exactly. I would never tell you what to do about that. That is all completely up to you." He paused. "And if it were my child, I would be doing what you and any other parent would do. I would fight like hell to help my child…but in a realistic way. And in this situation, you have to think of the child herself too. Gemma has been through a lot." He nodded. "A lot indeed. So, again…that decision is completely up to you two."

I slowly looked at Daryl. "You want to stop the treatments?" He said. "You don't even want to try anymore?"

I put my head down and thought for a moment. It's so terrible watching my baby go through all of this. I don't know how much more I can take. "I don't know what to do right now." I finally said. "What I do know is…I don't want to see my daughter going through all of this pain anymore." There was a brief pause after I spoke.

"I have a suggestion." Dr. Cohen said. "Why don't you go home and think on it. Discuss it…because this isn't a decision that should be made alone. Talk about it and come back for a regular appointment and give me your decision then." He nodded. "Sound good?"

I stared at the doctor while I thought. No, it doesn't sound good…because no matter what…that little girl is going to die and I would rather her spend her remaining days happy and not going through painful treatments. There's nothing left to discuss, I already have my decision. I'm going to go home now and pray…pray to God that He takes my daughter tonight. Tonight. Peacefully and pain free. No more suffering. "Sure." I finally said. "Yeah…let's do that."

"Abby?" Daryl said to me as I was walking into the house carrying Gemma, she was already asleep. "Abby." Daryl caught up with me. "We need to talk." He closed the door.

"After I put Gemma down for a nap." I said quickly.

"I got it. Give her to me." He took her from me and began walking down the hall to her bedroom. I gave him a strange look but ignored it.

I stood there in the living room and put my hands up to my face taking deep breaths. I don't regret anything I said before. I don't regret my thoughts either and I'm not going to back down on this. This is it. This is the end. I put my hands on the counter and leaned forward a bit. I heard Daryl walking back into the room.

"What the hell was that?" He asked roughly. I didn't answer him, I wasn't in the mood for this right now. However, my mood completely changed. Daryl grabbed my arm and yanked me back. "Hey, I'm talkin' to you. Don't blow me off—

"Don't you EVER grab me like that." I pulled out of his grip and pointed my finger at him. "Not ever!"

We stood there staring at each other for a good few seconds before someone spoke again. Daryl licked his lips and I knew he was about to say something. "You wanna stop the treatments? Just quit like that? Huh?" He shrugged.

"She's been through enough!" I snapped.

"So after all that. All that she's been through. All that WE did for her. Blood transfusions, medicine, staying up with her at night. For years."

"No." I cut in before he finished talking. "What I did for years. You just started a few months ago. And I cannot watch her go though anymore of it. The pain. She's four years old!" I was beginning to feel very emotional, I felt like I was going to explode. I have been keeping it all in lately and I can't do it anymore. And my husband was making it so much worse. He's making it sound like I'm the bad one here, but see that's the thing, he wasn't here. He didn't put up with half of what I did. He doesn't understand.

"So, you just wanna give up?" Daryl continued. "Just like that?"

And…that was it…I snapped. "SHE'S DYING!" I screamed. Daryl looked taken aback. There was a brief pause and I could see something out of the corner of my eye and looked to the left. Dallas and LB were standing in the hallway, they looked shocked. I couldn't deal with that so I just walked away and locked myself in our bedroom.

I stayed in my room for a long time while I calmed down. I wasn't angry anymore, but I still stayed in there. I really didn't want to talk to Daryl right now because I knew we would just start arguing again. And I didn't want that. My stress levels were through the roof, I bet my blood pressure was too. If I have to put up with anymore of this, I'm seriously going to have a nervous breakdown. Maybe even a stroke.

I laid on the bed taking long, deep breaths. I was pretty calm, not mad anymore at least. However, I started thinking more and more about Gemma…about what she's been going through and if we stopped her treatments. She would die. Could I lose her?

I thought about when I first brought her home and it was love at first sight. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. With her amber hair, sapphire and emerald eyes and her ruby red lips. She was my precious little gem. My perfect little gem. But she wasn't perfect anymore. She was terribly sick…and in pain. I wondered if she was even sick back then? Maybe she was and we just didn't know it because the symptoms didn't show up for a while. If that were true…then she never was perfect.

She wasn't. No one is. But…that's still my beautiful baby girl. My precious little gem no matter what. And I love her.

I started breathing heavily. I'm not emotionally detached, I can't be. That's my baby. I can't lose her! I knew deep down that I was going to though. And there wasn't anything we could do about it. Not me, not Daryl, not my dad, not her and not the doctor. She was dying. No…

"My baby!" I said out loud. I went too far and freaked myself out too much. "Not my baby!" I cried. "Don't take my precious little gem from me!" I said looking up. I was hysterical in that moment.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Daryl grabbed me. "Abby?" He kind of shook me. "Abby, calm down." He wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried loudly. "Shh shh." He petted my hair. "Calm down."

I was far from calming down though. He doesn't understand. He didn't have that bond with her like I did. I didn't even have that with the twins…only Gemma. Only my precious little gem. She was my one true love. And I can't lose her. I can't.

"I can't lose her." I spoke my thoughts out loud. "I can't lose her. I can't." All of a sudden, my legs felt like jelly and we slowly dropped to the floor. "But I don't want her to go through it anymore." I shook my head. "She can't do it anymore. It's killing her."

"So is not doin' anythang." Daryl spoke softly.

"She's happier when she's not receiving treatments." I cried. "We have to do it. We have to let her go. We have to. We have to let her go." I sobbed. Daryl just continued to hold me while I sobbed on the floor.

Later in bed that night, Daryl and I were laying facing away from each other. We weren't talking. It was almost as if the other person wasn't even there. It felt like that a lot now. Just hours ago when Daryl and I argued and then when he was holding me while I was losing my mind, that was probably the most we communicated since he came home.

"She's dying, Daryl." I was the one to break the silence. "You heard what the doctor said. The treatments aren't working anymore. If he gives her more, she'll just be more sick. I want her to enjoy the rest of the time she has with us."

Daryl was quiet for quite sometime. For a second, I thought he fell asleep already. "It just feels…it feels wrong." He finally said. "It's like…we're givin' up. Like we're lettin' 'er die."

"In a way, we are. But she's gonna die anyway." My voice cracked and tears spilled from my eyes. "I just want her to be happy." I sniffled and wiped at my tears.

"I get what yer sayin'." He said. "I do…but…I can't lose 'er neither." He sounded like he was getting choked up. I heard and felt him roll over to look at me so I did the same. We were looking in each other's eyes now. "You said yer side…now you need to hear mine." He paused. I was curious. "I left. I left her. You, the twins. But she was still a baby. I missed out on thangs that…I know I cain't get back. I failed her." Daryl cried a little. I touched his face. "So, I don't just want to give up. I know thangs are bad but…ya never know…she might turn around and get better." He paused again. I took in what he said. I didn't know how I felt about it yet. "Look what happened to you, back at the prison with that illness. How sick you was. Glenn and Sasha too."

"It's different." I said. "She's only four."

"And she's strong. She might pull through." He gave me a kind of desperate look. A sob escaped from me. "But we'll never know if we don't try."

I thought about what he said but I still wasn't convinced. We have been trying and she's not getting any better, she's getting worse. I really think we should stop the treatments. However, I understand what Daryl is saying about he feeling guilty for leaving. And so…I decided to go along with him.

"Okay." I finally said and nodded. "We'll continue with the treatments. For you." I gave him a serious look. "But I want you to know that I still want to stop them. But I will go along with this for you. Because I understand your feelings." Even though he doesn't fully understand yours?

Daryl moved closer and kissed my forehead. "Thank you." He said softly. "I love you."

I nodded. "Yeah. Just don't make me regret this."

"You won't." Daryl looked into my eyes as he promised me. I was worried but I trusted him. He saved me tons of times, maybe he can save our daughter. Maybe he really won't make me regret this.

But I did. I did regret it. In fact…I regretted it so much that I don't think I will ever forgive myself…