A few weeks later, Lily leaned against the doorframe of their living room, watching James watch TV.
"Come to bed?" she asked softly.
"Not yet," he answered.
"Please?"
He turned from the TV and said, "Not yet, Lily." Then he looked back to the show he was watching. This was the fifth night in a row that James hadn't come to bed with her. It was the second night she had asked him to, and the second night he had refused. She sighed and gathered her courage to approach him and sit on the couch next to him.
"James?"
He muted the TV and looked at her, "Yes?"
"You told me that I should make you listen to me when you're being thick. You're being thick."
"How do you mean?"
"This is the fifth night in a row that you won't come to bed with me. I miss you. Did I do something wrong?"
James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "No, you didn't do anything. I just don't want to go to sleep yet."
"Please don't lie to me."
"I'm not lying. I don't want to go to bed yet."
"Why not?" she pressed.
He was quiet for a moment, trying to think of how to say it. Then he answered, "I don't like the dreams I've been having."
Lily softened, "Oh, James. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head, but wrapped an arm around Lily and pulled her closer to him. He asked, "Can I just hold you?"
She nodded against his shoulder. She picked up the remote and unmuted the show. It was playing cartoons now. They watched in silence for about a half hour before James turned the TV off.
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, love," he apologized quietly.
Lily whispered into his chest, "It's alright. I understand."
"Do you want to go to bed now?"
She nodded.
"I'll be up in a few minutes. I just want to get a glass of water."
Lily didn't let go of him as she stood. He looked down at her and she said, "I love you."
"I love you too. I'll be up in a few minutes. I promise." He kissed the top of her head before disentangling himself from her. He heard her step up the stairs lightly. True to his word, he went upstairs as soon as he finished his water. He walked into their bedroom and saw Lily sitting in bed, watching the door anxiously.
He quickly changed into pajamas and crawled into bed with her. James couldn't deny it had been hard for him to get into bed with her every night, knowing she had let another man touch her. Had it been any more than what she admitted to, he probably wouldn't have been able to do it. He was grateful that her small lapse in judgement was all that had happened. He didn't want to lose her, and was glad he didn't have to. Every night since she confessed what had happened, he forced himself to go to bed with her. Sometimes it was after she was asleep, because it was easier. Sometimes it was before her, because it was easier. Sometimes it was with her, because he loved her, even though he hated what she did.
James admitted, his plan tonight had been to go to sleep after her and wake up before her. It wasn't a lie that he had told her before; he didn't like sleeping because he had nightmares. He was glad she told him he was being thick. It was nice to feel her affection, and when she sat on the couch with him instead of walking away, he almost understood what she had been lacking and why she would have accepted attention from someone else. Her touch was so comforting and he understood why if she had been seeking the same from him and didn't find it that she might resort to an extreme measure to obtain it. It didn't justify what she did, but it did explain what she did.
James stared at Lily, making her blush.
"What?" she asked shyly.
"I don't want to go to bed," James informed her.
"That's fine. We can talk or read or something."
"That's not what I had in mind."
"Did you want to play a game?" Lily was confused now.
"I want to touch you."
"Really?" she nearly squeaked. She couldn't have hoped for anything better.
"Can I?"
"Please," she practically begged.
James was almost unsure of how to touch her. It really had been that long for them. Sure, they'd been closer in the last few weeks, but the most intimate they'd been was a three-minute snog in their kitchen the week before. James was drunk and Lily didn't stop him. Tonight, though, he was sober and substantially less courageous.
It ended up being okay because Lily took the lead. Sitting next to him on their bed she leaned in and kissed him sweetly. She placed a hand on his hip and supported herself on the bed with her other arm. James found himself incredibly hungry for her. He wrapped an arm around her and wound his hand in her hair. He forced her onto her back and pressed against her as he snogged her. He heard her whimper under him and began kissing her jawline, eliciting a deep moan. He bit at her neck roughly, causing her whimpering to resurface, which he found he liked. He grabbed at her breasts through her shirt, then pulled the shirt up and began pinching her nipples before taking one at a time into his mouth while his hands pushed down her pants. He shoved his fingers into her, finding that she was already wet.
"You like when I'm rough?" he questioned, his voice practically growling.
Lily nodded and James withdrew his fingers, smirking when she opened her eyes to figure out why he stopped touching her.
"Speak up, flower."
"Yes, I like when you're rough," she choked out.
James resumed fingering her and continued fondling her breasts with his free hand. He used this opportunity to ask, "So tell me, where did you let this bloke touch you?"
Lily knew he would stop touching her if she didn't answer, so she said, "My tits."
"Anywhere else?" he questioned.
"No," she whimpered.
"He didn't touch your pussy?"
"No."
"Did you want him to?"
"No."
"Who's the only one who can?"
"You."
"Perfect."
James brought her to climax before demanding she roll over. He smacked her ass a few times for good measure, trying to ignore her wincing as he did so. He felt almost bad, but this was what he needed. This was the only way he was going to be able to get over this. He entered her suddenly and gripped her hips in his hands as he thrusted in and out of her. He relished in the sound of skin slapping against skin, found comfort in the moaning he heard from Lily. He felt reassured in the fact that he could still perform for her. He finished inside her and collapsed on top of her, his chest pressed to her back, both of them sticky with sweat.
He didn't know what had come over him, but he snarled in her ear, "My cock is dirty. I suggest you clean it off." He rolled off of her and sat on the bed expectantly. When she placed her lips over his penis, he grabbed her by the hair and forced her head down. He stopped when he felt her gag a little bit. He kept his hand in her hair as she used her tongue to clean him off. He felt her swallow and lifted her up by the hair. As he let go of her hair he saw her face was red, he saw the marks he had left all over her neck and the imprints of his fingertips in the form of bruises on her hips. He watched Lily stand, and go look for her bathrobe. Then he cried.
Lily looked over her shoulder as she tied the robe and saw James in tears on their bed. She rushed back to his side, concerned.
"Is something wrong, James?" she asked as she rubbed his back.
"I'm so sorry, Lily," James sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"It's okay," she consoled as he buried his head where her neck met her shoulder. "You didn't hurt me love. You were a little rough, but you didn't hurt me. Everything's okay."
Even after ten minutes, James couldn't stop crying. Lily pulled him up from the bed and guided him to the bathroom, where she started running the shower. He sniffled as he looked up at her from where he had collapsed on the floor, still completely naked.
Lily kneeled next to him, wiping his face with a damp washcloth.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She softly explained, "When I was younger, my mum used to tell me that any problem can be solved by adding water. If I was throwing a tantrum, she made me take a shower. If it was overly hot out and we were getting angry, we went to the local pool. If we were sad, she boiled water for tea. I reckon you could use a shower."
He started crying again, "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"You're clearly upset, James. To do anything other than be kind would be counterproductive. Now, get in the shower. I'm going to make some tea, because I think that wouldn't hurt. Once you're all showered, get dressed, come downstairs and we can talk, okay?"
He nodded, sheepishly, tears still rolling down his face.
Lily kissed the side of his face before helping him stand and pushing him towards the shower.
"I love you," she said through the curtain.
As he said it back, he wondered how she could possibly love him after what he just did.