He sat at the bottom of the shower, finally done crying, but he still felt like a monster. It made him sick that Lily was downstairs making tea for him, after the way he had brutally fucked her. He turned off the water and climbed out of the shower seeing that Lily had been kind enough to leave him a towel, a fresh set of pajamas and his glasses on top of the pile of clothing. She really was better than he deserved. He dressed slowly, trying not to start crying again.
He walked into the kitchen to see Lily had just finished pouring the tea. He watched as she added the right amount of sugar to his, but no milk. She was always so wonderful like that. He sat at the table as she finished hers and levitated his cup to him. She sat at the table so that a corner was between them and she could reach out and hold his free hand.
"Do you feel better?"
He took a sip of tea and nodded before he thanked her for the drink.
"You're welcome," she said sweetly. "What happened?"
"I felt terrible for being so rough with you. I was angry about everything that had happened, and I took it out on you and that wasn't fair of me. Then I felt so awful for hurting you that I couldn't stop crying."
"You didn't hurt me," Lily reminded him. "Look, I've already charmed the bites away."
James swallowed the knot in his throat, still disgusted with himself.
Lily tried again, "I understand why you felt that way."
"Do you forgive me?"
"Of course I do. Like I said, you didn't hurt me. I know if I had told you that you were hurting me, you would have stopped right?"
"Yeah, I would have."
"That's all that matters."
"I guess I didn't process how angry I was with you until tonight."
"Yeah. I thought it a bit odd that you hadn't shouted about it when it happened, or broken something back then. It was bound to come up sometime. Now, we're through it, right?"
"I think so," James mumbled. "I didn't know I was capable of doing that to you."
"It's okay."
"It really isn't," he muttered. "I should never take my anger out on you, much less physically."
"I should never have gone to someone else," she said, looking into his hazel eyes. "We both made mistakes. I know that I forgive you."
"I forgive you too. Can I tell you something? Tonight, when I was upset on the couch, you came to me, instead of just leaving me alone. That comfort was very nice, and I could understand why you would go looking for it if I couldn't give it to you."
She was quiet, and James continued, "When we went to bed, my intention wasn't to do that. It wasn't something I planned. I wanted to get you off and go to sleep. I didn't think at all that it would turn into this. When I started touching you, it made me think…" He trailed off.
Lily spoke up, "I promise James, I don't think you're capable of intentionally doing anything malicious to me ever. I know I've always been your soft spot, and I was very grateful for that when I told you about what I did. If this was what needed to happen, then I trust that it needed to happen, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you never meant to hurt me."
James finished his tea and cleared the cups when Lily was done.
He turned to face her where she was still sitting at the table.
"I think I need to go for a run," he announced.
"Love," she started. He winced at her sweet voice, still feeling undeserving. "It's the middle of the night."
"I'm going to go as Prongs," he said.
"Oh," she was surprised. He hadn't done this in a long time. She knew he only did it when he needed to think about things more simply. According to him and Sirius, animal thoughts were less complex and helped them mull things over. "If that's what you need to do. Can I ask three things of you?"
He waited expectantly, and she continued, "Will you be back before I wake up?"
He thought for a moment and then nodded, much to her delight.
"Promise me that you'll be safe?" she asked.
"Of course."
"Can I watch you transform?"
He seemed confused by her question and she elaborated, "I just always liked seeing Prongs. You're an exceptionally beautiful stag."
He looked even more confused and she shrugged, but asked, "So can I?"
"Yeah, that's fine. You know I like showing off for you." The end of his sentence was slightly playful and Lily felt herself smile at her husband. It was a very small step on the way back to things being normal for them. She followed him into the backyard and watched his body morph into that of a stag. She walked close to him and ran a hand along his flank. The stag looked back at her. She reminded him, "Back before I wake, and be safe."
The stag nudged her hand affectionately before galloping into the night. That small little shove against her hand was another small step on their way back to being normal.
Lily watched and listened until she heard the hoofbeats dissipate before turning back to their cottage. She turned out the light before retiring to their bedroom. James had only made her sleep on the couch for a few nights before letting her back into bed. It was hard for her when he went to bed after her, and tonight was no exception. She bundled herself in the blankets, trying to pretend that James was there holding her to his chest. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that she was a literal grown woman who could go to sleep without her husband, sleep eluded her. She finally fell asleep somewhere about four thirty in the morning.
She woke a couple of hours later when James crawled into bed, muttering about her always stealing all the blankets. Eyes still closed she muttered, "It's not stealing if there's no one here to steal from."
He let out a small chuckle and asked, "Might I have some of the covers Lily?"
Lily opened her eyes and rolled over to face James, sighing dramatically, "I suppose. If you must."
James grasped the comforter and gave a sharp tug. This also drew Lily close to him. He took a deep breath, trying to avoid remembering how he had aggressively touched her only a few hours before. Lily sensed this was what he was thinking about and pulled on of his hands to her lips, kissed it and whispered, "It's okay. Let's just go back to sleep."
He was grateful that she would help put him back together.