Heartbeats

I lost everything

I threw myself in and you took me when no one was there

Well you can take what you need, take the air that I breathe

And I'll give away all that I own

Whatever I lose is put back by you in a way that you'll never know

There's no air around me when we get this close

But there's no where I want to go

…

'Cause I can't be without you

Be There – Seafret

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From the day Eren "died", Mikasa often felt anxious. Although she didn't show it – and she knew only Armin could see through her unwavering posture –, she felt her hands sweat and tremble a few times. Not to denounce herself, she had to grasp the edges of her blades even more tightly. Whenever she imagined losing him again, a strange sensation spread through her chest, it chilled her spine and made the bile in her throat nearly choke her.

This usually occurred during Survey Corps expeditions and other services, in which Eren was almost always away from her. Because of her incredible skills, Mikasa was part of the Regiment's elite squad, and her tasks differed from others in some respects. But although she were far apart from Eren, she couldn't help but fear for his life. In fact, not being able to see him made the situation even more worrying; that way she didn't know what he was doing, if he was fine or if he had been injured... At worst, he would be dead. It was this completely plausible and terrifying possibility that set chaos in her mind.

I can't lose him again, she repeated to herself tirelessly whenever she was about to abandon her own defenses. In those stressful times when her pupils dilated, her hands were sweating, and her heart seemed to want to come out of her chest, it was Captain Levi who had her pulling back and putting her head in place. He claimed she couldn't lose control of her emotions and risk whatever was at stake. Their lives, most of the time.

Then, composing herself, she finally remembered something that cherished her, which soothed her pain almost like morphine injected directly into veins:

Eren, sticking out of the back of a titan's neck, surprising everyone. She, alarmed to see him from afar. No, it can't be. Her legs moving automatically, running across the roof. The 3DMG being used to jump and reach the ground, leaving her just a few feet from the fallen titan's body, and her face transfigured in disbelief and concern denouncing the agony that swept her heart.

There was Eren, unconscious. Intact.

At that time Mikasa lunged at him, wrapping him in a tight, wide-eyed hug. She couldn't believe it was really him that her arms surrounded. Then, to confirm it was not a dream, she lowered her face to his chest, resting her ear over the area. And listened. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. The black eyes widened further, only to close slowly, filled with tears. Ba-dump.

He was alive.

She tilted her head back, letting the tears flow down her contorted face. Then the cry broke from her throat in inexpressible moans. And she cried, and cried, and cried... Until her soul was washed, relieved. As if the tons weighing on her shoulders were a light burden. Eren had never left her.

From then on, Eren's heartbeat was the only tranquilizer for her fears.

Armin, Eren and Mikasa were exhausted, dirty and with some bloody cuts, riding side by side through the south gate of the Wall Rose. The Survey Corps were returning from a special mission led by the new Commander, Hanji Zöe, and all the people wanted was a good bath and some rest – which was more than deserved.

The three friends said goodbye silently, unable to talk about anything. As at all times, mourning fell on their shoulders. But in such a lasting friendship, glances meant much more than words, and were enough for them to communicate. In all these looks were implied the affection and zeal they had for each other. I care about you; I'm sorry you have to go through this; please, be strong...

They were certain that as long as they shared the same feelings, there would be a place of support for them… Because they had each other.

Mikasa headed for the women's wing of the lodge and went straight for a shower. There she took longer than usual, just lost in thought as she sank into the water. Once again she had killed more titans than she could count, and this helped her release the accumulated anger, yet nothing paid the incalculable price of all the lives lost in the field. The daily tragedies she witnessed were already exceeding the limit she had set on her own heart, and even though she was strong to bear it, she still wondered all the time why she had to see her companions being devoured one after another.

When would this hell end?

Every scene of death and blood she saw unleashed in her mind flashes of the day her parents were murdered. Those memories were painful to the point of making her worst fears come to light. Fear of losing again those she loved, fear of being alone, fear of succumbing to anguish…

After the calamity that marked her childhood, Mikasa became victim of constant nightmares, which began the first time she slept at the Jaegers' house. In that fateful night, she lost count of how many times she woke up after having the same nightmare – the memories of the moment her home was invaded by strangers and her parents taken from her. After that, all her nights became long and strenuous.

When she was distressed, the girl clung to the thought that she had important people whom she wanted to protect. It alleviated her conflicting feelings and made her weaknesses fall to the ground; however, no one could save her from herself. When Mikasa was sleeping, her mind was her greatest enemy.

"Mikasa?" Someone called, making her realize she was almost asleep during the shower. She looked up, staring at the girl in front of her. It was Historia, wrapped in a towel and looking at her a little worried. "Aren't you going out?"

"...I will," she said in a low tone. "But you and Sasha can go first."

"Fine then," the blonde agreed, deciding to leave after making sure Mikasa was all right. She realized her friend just wanted to be a little alone with her own thoughts. "See you in the dinner."

Watching the others leave, Mikasa sighed and ran her fingers through the hair that clung to her forehead, hugging her knees and resting her head on them. After such a tiring and exhausting mission, all she felt was a deep melancholy, and the desire to face the world was almost nonexistent. But since she couldn't stay there forever, she gave up and stood up, wrapping a white towel around her slender body and heading for the bedroom. She was so tired that decided to just change and go to sleep without attending the dinner's room before, but she knew Historia would forgive her.

All she wanted was to be able to disconnect from the world for a while, but even that night, Mikasa was not free from the circumstances in which she lived. As she slept, her subconscious revived every horror scenario she had witnessed throughout the expedition, never hiding the details of blood and screams. Worst of all, in addition to her heart already suffering greatly from the irreparable loss of friends and mates, she also suffered from the memories of her parents being attacked and the insights that no matter how hard she tried to protect him, Eren would always be taken away.

She woke up in the middle of the night, scared and panting. Her body was sore and heavy as if she had been beaten, and her head hurt badly. The nightmares were too real, too vivid to calm down. She was sweating and her heart was beating so unpleasantly that she had to squeeze the pillow between her fingers, all to feel a palpable reality. Anxiety was attacking again.

Beside her right, Sasha slept sprawled on her bed, snoring and with her hair tangled. To the left, she came across a tray of food on her bedside table. Sasha had probably remembered her and brought the meal, but she still didn't feel hungry.

I need him, Mikasa thought, her eyes tightly closed. Ignoring the lack of strength in her legs, she got out of bed and, even staggering, headed out of the room.

Minutes later she was standing in front of Eren's bedroom door in the men's lodge. Though she knew she would be invading the boy's privacy again, she didn't hesitate to open the door slowly and enter the small, sober room in silent steps.

Eren and Armin were sleeping, as expected at this time. The Jaeger was lying on his back and one of his arms covered his eyes, while the Arlert slept on his stomach across the room, sleeping soundly. The beds were tiny, but that didn't stop the girl from sneaking across Eren's bed, lying beside him and placing her ear to his chest, listening to the quiet, rhythmic beating of his heart.

She closed her eyes again, enjoying the calm that settled in her core. At the sound of Eren's heart beating so quietly, her own beats stabilized just like his. Her labored breathing returned to normal, and soon the air entered her lungs freely.

Even for a few minutes, she was finally at peace.

The boy, who felt an uncomfortable weight upon himself, withdrew his arm and slowly began to open his eyes. His vision was a little blurry, but he identified the black hair that was very close to his face. It smelled like peach. What a great fragrance...

"Mikasa...?" He called sleepily, but she remained quiet.

As much as he was used to Mikasa's sneaky entrances to his bed, Eren was sure he would never get used to her warm body in contact with his. Although it was really nice, it made him nervous and disconcerted. He just tried not to show it.

"Did you have nightmares again?" He asked softly, already wondering why she was there. He was aware Mikasa missed her family, and he also knew how delicate this subject was to her. And when it came to loneliness, he understood very well. In that respect, they were exactly the same.

"Sorry to bother you again, Eren," she finally said calmly. She had done it so many times that Eren, even though his space had been invaded, was neither angry nor astonished anymore. "I didn't want to wake you up, but you have a light sleep..." She rested her arms and chin on his chest, staring at him. While tapping slowly, her black lashes caught the boy's attention, and his green eyes, now wide open, gazed at her complacently.

"It's okay, since it's you," he said casually. Her presence didn't bother him, it just… disturbed his senses a little.

"Eren," the girl whispered with frosted eyes and sadness easily identified in her voice tone. "How long can anyone fight an inevitable fate?" She asked, feeling tired and lost. All the decisions she made in her life eventually became a burden. All roads lead to only one end: the loss of precious people. She was really sick of it.

Eren studied her for long seconds.

"If people say they are weak and have no motivation to continue, they will probably give up pretty quickly," he answered without hesitation. "But even if we are weak, when we cling tightly to something, it is like an impulse that moves us forward." He glanced up at the ceiling, remembering everything that made him keep fighting, and laid his left hand on her back unconsciously, in a subtle stroke. "Don't you carry something like this with you?" He asked, smiling slightly at the girl.

At first she was surprised by those words, but soon acquiesced, feeling that her fears soothed. After all, the Jaeger was a soldier recognized not for being excellent, but for his unparalleled determination. I have you, Eren, she thought with a soft tug of lips.

"Thank you," she said, and the next few moments, when their eyes collided, were like an eternity of unspoken words. The glow slowly returned to Mikasa's eyes, and she felt her interior heat up completely. Eren was alive, and that was all that mattered to her.

"You don't have to thank me. I don't believe in fate, Mikasa," he said, making her curious. "Results depend on our performance."

Mikasa knew that Eren wasn't the type to believe in things like predetermination. He believed in willpower, tenacity, courage... So even if the process was arduous, it would be possible to achieve his goals. But she still had some doubts about his way of looking at things.

"What do you believe, then?" She asked in a whisper.

"In choices," he stated. "And there are consequences for each of them."

"And what's your choice now, Eren?" Mikasa could not resist, she put her hand over his now long hair and ran her fingers through it gently.

Eren stared at her. His body was still relaxed, but his mind seemed to want to collapse with the contact. Is she touching me? Why? Has she done this before? I don't understand. It was no big deal, he knew, but it was still something new between them. It made him want to return the touch.

"I want to keep fighting as long as necessary," he replied, trying not to be distracted from the conversation.

"It's a noble choice." She gave him an unreadable look.

"Do you think so?" The boy raised an eyebrow. "I always thought it were selfish."

"Why?" She asked, a bit confused.

"Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me," he was honest, though he didn't expect to verbalize how he felt that way. He didn't seem to know that the existence of his friends influenced his decisions more than he could imagine.

"This is a mere detail." Mikasa shrugged, her gaze becoming more affectionate as the memories assailed her. Memories where Eren showed he cared about her and the others, even if he didn't realize it.

Eren looked at her, surprised and somewhat in doubt.

"Really?"

"Yeah... Because even if you don't see it, I'm here because of you." She smiled again, and he couldn't help but look at her more intently. Mikasa didn't smile very often, so seeing her so comfortable made something in Eren's chest flutter. He just didn't know what.

The urge to touch her multiplied, and his still hand began to slowly climb up her spine, dragging the thin fabric blouse along. Mikasa shivered, feeling her heart skip a beat, but didn't think to walk away.

"You always knew how to take care of yourself," he murmured, pretending that feeling her skin under his fingers didn't affect him. "And saved me several times."

"Eren..." She slowly moved her hand from his brown hair to his face, touching him in a way she never imagined she would have the courage to. "You saved me first," she whispered back. Their faces were inches apart. "And I will always be grateful for that."

Memories of the day he wrapped the red scarf around her came back as vivid as ever. An intimate moment endowed with simplicity... But for Mikasa it represented the world. To him, it was just the first of many protective gestures he would have about her.

They stared at each other, as if they knew exactly what the other was thinking. This was the same scarf that, despite being worn from wear, was wrapped around Mikasa's neck as was customary. An object full of meanings.

Eren swallowed hard, breathing heavily. His heart seemed to hammer in his chest. She was even prettier that way, so close to him… His eyes inevitably stared at her lips, and his other hand tightened on her waist. A reddish tinge appeared on her delicate features, and he could only see it clearly from the light coming through the windows. No doubt there were many things he wanted to keep fighting against. But at that moment, he decided to give up fighting his feelings for Mikasa. They were simply too deep to ignore.

"And I'd do it all over again," he admitted. And on impulse, both his hands came to the sides of Mikasa's face, holding it firmly before he rise up in its direction.

And he finally kissed her.

Their lips met subtly, and that moment seemed extremely surreal to them. Because, until then, they were just family. A family that, though unconnected by blood, remained bound by a bond that went beyond all understanding. They just had each other, after all. Their love was pure – they understood and cared about each other very much –, but also untamed. No matter what was against them, the urge to protect each other was always like a violent storm – could bring everything down.

Mikasa's eyes closed in the same second and she sighed, feeling her body relax once again beside him. Eren's lips were soft and warm against hers, as if he didn't want to look desperate, and she loved him even more for that – if it was possible. He appreciated her enough to think he needed to control himself.

Eren pulled away shortly afterwards, aiming again at her with intensity. His right thumb, which had previously lightly stroked her flushed cheek, slowly wandered over her skin until it reached her reddened lips. He stroked her lower lip slowly, feeling her warm breath on his fingertip. He never thought he could want her that much.

Mikasa stared back at him, lost in his clouded green eyes that conveyed a feeling she could not identify. Even so, it pleased her. She felt that looking at Eren was always like this, a losing battle. She had come here in search for peace, which only his heartbeat could give her, but had achieved something much better than that: warmth. The warmth of the only person who could make her feel all those good sensations that flooded her. Eren's warmth.

When the boy took his hands from her face, unsure of what would happen next, Mikasa laid hers on his strong chest to support herself better. And, giving him a meaningful look, she leaned further, ending the space that separated them once again. His lips were really hot, in a way that made her wish she'd never back away. She pressed them calmly and with eyes closed, which prevented her from seeing Eren's face flushed; however, the biggest gain was in the feel of the touch. It was a mixture of softness with humidity and almost feverish warmth. New and extremely nice. Loving and kind. Totally out of touch with the whirlwind of feelings inside them.

Enjoying the contact and trying to convey what she felt at the moment, Mikasa pinned Eren's shirt between her fingers. There was simply no more fear or reluctance about the future, nothing that could disturb her thoughts. There was only conviction. And affection, trust, passion... It was what he caused in her.

Her initiative was enough for the boy to open his mouth and fit it into hers, letting the kiss take another proportion.

As she moved her head from side to side, capturing his lips awkwardly and letting her saliva blend slowly, Eren returned the movements without haste. He soon wrapped Mikasa's upper lip between his and sucked it lightly; then wandering his tongue into her mouth. His hands tightened on her thin waist, and he knew that next morning she would have that region marked by his fingers. It would be an interesting thing to see if their lips weren't so busy.

He was looking for closer and deeper contact, for he wanted to have her with him as much as he could. He hoped, however, that she couldn't hear his heartbeat now. It was out of control. Mikasa didn't know, but she made him vulnerable like that. And vulnerability was something Eren hated to show. Even so, he decided to ignore it just because it was her.

The girl, in turn, let a heavy gasp escape between the kiss. And she wasn't ashamed to let her tongue curl into Eren's, nor did she consider stopping. Her senses were filled with his presence. The sound of his ragged breathing, the taste of his lips, the masculine smell, the roughness of his hands on her waist... But it had never been different. Eren always had her like this: arguably aware of him.

As they both dropped the kiss for breath, and finally could open their eyes, an awkward silence arose between them. The situation was still new, after all.

"You…" Eren cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. "Are you going to sleep with the scarf?" He asked in order to get rid of the embarrassment. But his hands were still on her skin, and the swollen lips of the kiss betrayed what they had just done. "Aren't you hot?"

Mikasa was a little surprised, remembering that she still had the muffler on. The reason? Well, sometimes sleeping with it calmed her down... Just because it reminded her of Eren. But she didn't make a point of saying it out loud.

"I'll take it off," she said instead, unrolling the red cloth around her neck and hanging it on the headboard. "Can I sleep here?" She asked bluntly, leaving the boy blushing again.

"As if I could deny you something..." he grunted, looking away.

Mikasa hid a smile, snuggling into his arms and feeling an indescribable tranquility. She felt that, at least tonight, she would have no more nightmares. She had no idea how they had gotten to this point, but she was glad that had come here to hear Eren's heartbeat. Thanks to that, she had so much more of him than she ever thought she could. I love you, Eren, were the words that came to her mind as soon as her once troubled heart stilled in her chest. But she didn't say it either, because it wasn't necessary. He knew.

"Mikasa..." he called, whispering. It was you who saved me from a lifetime of loneliness. That was what he wanted to say, and he knew she would understand all the meaning behind it. I love you. Never leave me. But when he turned a little to look at her, he realized she was already asleep. Her chest rose and fell slowly with her breath. He smiled. "Good night."