Loki was sure to let Maija rest to her heart's content, her blonde hair splayed across his pillows, shoulder, and chest. She looked so peaceful when she slept, so serene. If he thought too far, he would realize he could get used to the sight of her like that in the morning. How could feelings get so confused inside him? Hadn't he thought on multiple occasions what it would be like to see his pet lying there in the morning? But... Maija had hair spun pure gold and eyes the depths of the sea. She was small and fragile and practically screamed "protect me" without ever saying a word. He sighed heavily. How strange a creature, the heart.
After Maija woke – and he made sure he memorized every feature of her before that happened – Loki ensured an escort to take her safely home. He had enjoyed her, and enjoyed teaching her. She would be back, he was sure. When she had gone, he remembered his note to himself and unlocked the washroom door. His pet would emerge eventually. He, on the other hand, needed sleep. He turned back for the bed.
/
Nancy never heard the door unlock. She never stirred from her spot in the far corner. She sat still, only her hand moving. The glass slid back and forth under her bracelet. A jolt of electricity shook her body, but she seemed unfazed, the nerves in her wrist scorched dead. The glass passed under the priceless gold again. Another jolt shook her system. Again and again and again. A drop of blood slid down the back of her neck, further dampening her blood-stained dress. Green fabric hung in tatters from her collar, sliced to shreds by the glass.
/
After his brief nap, Loki looked around the room, searching. He expected to see his pet, somewhere, doing something. Instead, the room seemed empty. The washroom door stood closed. He sat bolt upright and listened. Intently. What could she have done to herself while locked in there? She couldn't have harmed herself, could she? He heard nothing. Not a single sound. So Loki did the logical thing. He shot from bed and flung the washroom door wide, not caring if he found her in a bath or asleep. He had to know.
The door slammed against the wall.
Loki froze, completely shocked. "Pet, what have you done?"
Her hands trembled, her knees curled to her chest. Blood streaked down her neck, chest, arms and legs. It dripped from her hands, still tightly clenched around the shard of glass. Glass surrounded her, embedding itself in her clothes and body. The shard had broken many times, pieces breaking off under her skin.
"I loved you." Her words were barely audible, her eyes staring blankly at the floor. "I… loved you. Did you know? You had to know. Yet you did it anyway. I'm not a pet… pet. But I'll be good. I'll be good this time. Good pet. Good pet. Did you know I loved you?"
What had he done? Loki swallowed, surveyed the damage, and stepped closer. He had never meant to drive her to this. Punish her, yes, but drive her to hurt herself? No. He studied the cuts, none deep enough to kill, but all deep enough to fester. "We must wash your wounds, lest they become infected."
"You never asked me why I went down to see you." Her thoughts came in flashes of memory, jumbled together and clouded over. "It was against orders. But I had to see you. I had to. I had to meet you. When I saw you I knew I had to meet you."
"I did ask, long ago. You would not answer." Carefully, wincing with every piece, Loki pried the glass from her delicate fingers. Blood gushed anew and he swore quietly to himself. He had caused this. Her injuries were all his fault.
Pain was beyond her now. She never felt the slivers leave her hands. "I… I don't remember..." Her eyes were vacant. Dead. "I went down because I didn't want you to be alone. You were so very… very alone. I know what that's like… to be alone. Alone amongst the crowd, living in the shadow of an older sibling… miles from anyone who ever cared. I wanted to study you. But it was more than that. So… so much more."
Loki reached to the sink for a damp rag and pressed it against her wounds. Thankfully, it seemed there was more dried blood than actual injuries. He breathed a sigh of relief and hoped she would be alright. This sudden reverie would suggest otherwise. He sincerely hoped he hadn't mentally broken her. Had he pushed too hard? He had to bring her back, to something that felt like the normal daily routine. He continued washing away the blood, removing the bracelet to do so, with only a short whispered word. He sighed. "What was it then, pet?"
"I saw your pain… when all anyone else saw was a monster." Finally, exhausted, Nancy leaned her forehead against his shoulder. "You're not a monster…. Ever since that day, I have loved you. That's why I went to your cell, in the Tower. To visit you, under the ruse of studying you. The others couldn't know. They wouldn't understand. No one ever understood. I loved you."
Loki maintained his long, gentle strokes with the cloth. He had made a mistake. A very terrible mistake, in tossing her aside. In not paying more explicit attention to her. He would never admit it, but he had mistaken her. He had misjudged her. And now he paid the price. Now she paid the price. He would never unsee the terror of her blood on his floor. Never. And to hear she loved him, after he had locked her in here and forced her to listen to everything last night... Loki's heart tore in his chest.
Slowly, some semblance of sanity began to return to her. Something somewhere in her mind began to piece itself back together. A sob escaped her throat as she was brought back to reality. "You don't love me!" Her tears began anew. "I'm an animal to you. A pet. You could never love me. All I'll ever be to you is a pet."
"How would you know this?" He moved the rag from her arms to her hands, more careful now that he ran it over fresher wounds. He did not want to hurt her further. How could he have been so blind? So stupid!
"Because you locked me in here and had that woman instead."
Loki swallowed. He had assumed, very wrongly, that she could never love him. Had he not wanted her, even as he took Maija? He should have stopped before he made it irreversible. He dabbed at a freshly opened wound with the cloth. She would never believe it, but he had to try. "Until this moment, I knew not of your desire for me. Therefore, I took the time to woo her, thinking you fairly hated me."
"What?" Nancy lifted her head to look at him. How could he not have known? "Why would I hate you?"
"Why would you not?" He calmly finished one hand and reached for the other. She might need someone to stitch up the injuries. He would be sure to examine them before making a final decision. The healers were only a moment away if anything here became too much for him to handle alone.
"I should." Nancy agreed, resuming her place against his shoulder, "After everything you put me through, I should hate you. But, through everything, you never really hurt me."
"Starvation, last night, and you dare to say I've not hurt you?" Loki clucked his tongue, chiding himself as well as her. How many times had Frigga warned him that his temper would get the better of him one day? Well, she had been right, and that day had come. Had she foreseen this tragedy? Had she known that he would have love before him and choose instead to follow his own lust? Curse his pride and stubbornness!
"I mean, physically. You put me through mental torture, but you never once struck me. Well, except for the flogging. And few hair-pulls every now and again, but that's it. You could've done much worse if you wanted to."
He chuckled wryly. "You never cease to confound me, pet."
And there was that term again. Pet. After everything she'd been through, everything she'd confessed, he still called her 'pet'. All she would ever be is a pet. Nothing she had ever done mattered to him. All she'd done to bring out the good and just in him, forgotten. Pet. He didn't care. He'd never care. Nancy turned her face away, hurt and broken.
Her rejection broke him. His heart, his spirit, his determination. It was then that Loki realized he didn't want her obedience or her submission. He wanted her. He blinked to stop the tears before they began. A strong man didn't cry. Deftly, he finished cleaning her blood from her and scooped her up into his arms. Instead of perfecting her, he had broken her. He knew it by her vacant eyes, her passive allowance of his ministrations. He carried her back to the bedroom.
"Did I ever tell you I had a bird once?" Nancy whispered, her gaze still distant, "It was just a little thing. A sparrow."
"No. You did not." Out of habit, he steered toward the chaise, but at the last second he decided against it. She may be his pet, but she was not his animal. He changed direction.
"I was about eight or nine. There was a bad storm and it was knocked out of its tree. Had a broken wing. I found it after the storm passed. My dad said for me to protect it while he went to the store to get a cage and some food. I guarded that little bird with my life, protecting it from cats and dogs and other birds. My sister thought I was crazy.
"When my dad got back, we put the bird in the cage, gave it some food, and waited for it to get better. Every day, I sat next to that cage. I gave it food, water, treats, love. Then... one morning... I ran downstairs to see my little bird. But, it wouldn't wake up. It had just closed its eyes and died. I cried for days. My dad told me that it died because wild things weren't meant to be put in cages. I never understood that... until now."
Loki nestled her on the bed, his side of the bed, and smiled wryly. Oh, how true it is, he thought to himself. Aloud, he granted her his opinion on the story. "Sometimes, something beautiful can be made from broken pieces." He leaned down to gently kiss her forehead. How had he fallen so far? What had he done to her? "I release you to sleep, little one."
/
Loki sat with his finger poised on his lips, deep in thought. How did he remedy this? With this new-found information, how did he proceed with her? She... loved him? Who had ever said that aside from his mother? Perhaps Thor, once. But that was not the same. That was not what she offered when she spoke of love.
Nancy woke slowly, feeling like she'd slept for days. Everything had only been a nightmare. Only a nightmare. Surely. She sat up and looked around. It was then she realized she was in his bed. Nancy glanced up to find him sitting across the room, in his chair. "Why am I in your bed?" her voice was still hoarse from sleep.
Loki looked up to meet her gaze and tried to smile. "You were tired and hurt. I made an exception."
She sat up and leaned back against the silken pillows. Her arms brushed against the fabric and she winced. They still hadn't healed properly. "And now? Do you want me to move?"
"I've yet to decide." He returned his finger to his lips, still thinking. He rather liked the sight of her sleeping in his spot. Even more so than he had liked the sight of Maija's golden hair splayed across him and his pillows. Strange, how he wanted her to return to sleep and not move, just so he could gaze upon her peaceful form. He wanted to watch her chest rise and fall with the rhythm of her breathing, to see her lashes tucked neatly against her porcelain cheekbones. More than anything, he didn't want either of them to say anything that would ruin this moment.
Nancy sat there, watching him. Watching him watching her. Wondering what he was thinking. Memorizing every detail of his face, should she never see him again. His sleek, black hair. His gorgeous green eyes. The pale softness of his skin. She'd miss his smile the most. Finally, after whole minutes of silence, Nancy spoke. "Are you angry with me for what I said?"
"Angry? No. Befuddled." He stood with a sigh, having finally made up his mind. Only one thing could be done about this situation. He needed to think straight, and he couldn't do that while she sat before him. He didn't like it any more than she would, but it had to be done so he could think straight. "I think it is best if you spend the night in your prior cell whilst I sort my thoughts."
Nancy's heart sank. He was sending her away. Putting her back in her cell like a doll on a shelf. "Are you going to get rid of me?" She looked up into his eyes, searching… begging for his mercy. "Now that you know… it might be difficult to keep me as a pet."
"As I said, I must sort my thoughts. Let me not make a rash decision."
She nodded solemnly. How had everything gone so wrong? Nancy stood and resumed her posture of obedience. She couldn't look at him. It'd only hurt her more. "Thank you for allowing me to stay here these past few months. I've enjoyed it." She had enjoyed her time with him. Despite the difficulties, she had enjoyed spending time with him. Laughing and cuddling and generally being together. It was all gone now. Nancy was truly sorry to have disobeyed. She would do anything to stay with him. Anything. "And I am sorry I disobeyed. So very sorry, master." Her voice broke, her tears beginning again.
He gave her a sad smile. He had never meant to turn her into... this. He had only meant for her to understand. For her to tame her tongue now and then. Not to cower in his presence every time she saw him. "It isn't as though I am waiting to end you."
"Yes, you are." she countered, still not looking at him. "Sending me back to that cell is just as bad as killing me yourself. It's worse! It's as close to death as I've ever been. Trapped in blinding whiteness, alone with my thoughts. Isolated from anyone I've ever known or loved."
Of course she would feel like that. Had he not felt like that, as well? He quickly stood from the chaise and walked to her side. Intuitively, he pressed the back of his fingers to her cheek, wanting only to feel her warm skin beneath his fingers. This separation, this regression, hurt him just as much as her. If only she knew how he ached to keep her by his side. "Just for one night, love."
Love. He'd never called her that before. He'd never even called the woman last night 'love'. It was a term reserved only for those he truly loved. Nancy's eyes finally rose to meet his. "Don't forget me." She leaned close and pressed her lips to his, kissing him softly and sweetly. If he remembered nothing else, she wanted him to remember her kiss.
Loki accepted her gift of a kiss and smiled down at her. "You slept through luncheon. Do you wish to eat before I return you?"
Nancy tried her best to smile. To lighten the tense mood. "I believe I just paid for an apple."
With a flourish, Loki made an apple appear in his palm and stretched it out toward her. He would miss this ritual, if he did send her away. But he knew he never would. She was far too precious to him. If she left, he knew he would regress into someone he hardly knew. Someone he hated. He could not go back to that sorrowful, desperate place he had been before Midgard. He could not allow anything to turn him once more into a raving lunatic, a monster of the highest degree. She would undoubtedly stay. The only question he asked himself: would their arrangement of pet and master work, or did he need her worse than that?
Nancy gave a sad smile. Even though she'd grown to hate the taste of apples, Nancy knew she'd miss them, if only because he'd given them to her. She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. After a moment or two, she stepped back. "Send for the guards. I'll leave now."
"I will take you myself." He offered his hand, hoping she would take it. Hoping she didn't hate him for all he had done to her. If he could offer only one gesture to assure her he had never meant to truly harm her, this was it. He needed something to show him there was indeed hope.
Nancy stared at his hand. How could he change so quickly? Last night, he had despised her. Thought her no better than a dog. Now, he offered her his hand. Called her 'love'. Had the thought he'd nearly lost her somehow changed him? Timidly, Nancy slid her hand into his.
Loki walked her through the halls and down the stairs toward the dungeons. It was the last place he wanted to leave her, but he was fairly certain she would be safe there and he needed time alone to process his thoughts. He knew his mood was pensive, but he could not help it. He held her hand as though it might be the last time, though deep down he had a feeling it would not be. He intended to keep her. If only she would have him.
Nancy could only stare at him. He was so solemn. So remorseful. He looked as though the weight of the world had come crashing down on his shoulders. She wished he would talk to her. Speak of what was going on in his mind. Give her a sign everything would be okay.
"You still do not understand my moods." He looked over to catch her bewildered expression. He must seem insane to her. First, she admitted she loved him and now he took her back to a dungeon cell. Perhaps he was crazy, but he needed only one night away from her to ensure he thought with his head and not his heart. If he chose to keep her close, he did not want to risk losing her. "You wear your thoughts like stitching on a sleeve. You wonder why I behave as I do."
"Yeah, I never was very good at hiding my emotions." She looked up at him, studying the sincerity in his eyes. "I guess I'm just still trying to figure you out. All this time, and it seems I hardly know you. You change so often." Nancy paused, considering her next request. "What were you thinking just a moment ago? When you looked so sad and solemn."
"I should not have done what I did last night. Had I known your true feelings, I..." He shrugged. He didn't know. He might have still bedded Maija. He really did like her. Might even have feelings for her. But, Nancy had been there first. Would he have denied himself the pleasure of having Maija in order to save Nancy despair? He didn't know anymore. Part of him screamed yes, that he would have continued to woo Nancy instead. Another part laughed at him, mocked him. Both were equally loud.
"Which part?" Nancy pulled her hand away from him and crossed her arms. "The 'lock me in the washroom' part, or the 'sleep with some mystery woman while I'm in the washroom' part?"
"The latter." He snapped out of his reverie and gave her another sad smile. "I do not so much regret the first. Though I would rather you had not hurt yourself."
"I wasn't trying to." With a sigh, she dropped her arms again and retook his hand. "I just wanted the collar off. And the bracelet."
He sighed. It was time he told her the reason for those things. Beyond the initial desire to frighten her and keep her in line, those things kept her safe. They allowed him to know where she was and to know she had not wandered off or been taken from him. "I fear for your safety. This is why I gave them to you."
"But I'm safe in the palace." She motioned around them with a sweep of her arm, motioning to the guards placed every ten yards apart. "There are guards everywhere."
"All this time I have been busy, did you not once think it was to provide safety? I daresay many here within these walls are not as loyal as they claim."
"Oh." Nancy frowned. She hadn't actually given much thought to why he was always gone. "I guess I just thought you were hearing complaints from your subjects, picking out foods for your feasts, and having tea in the garden all day. Actually… I thought you were avoiding me on purpose. Since I was just a pet, you didn't need me around all the time."
"Complaints, yes. Some. The chamberlain sees to the foods. And I've hardly had time for the garden." He sighed again. She didn't need to know all the stresses he had borne lately. All the meetings and strategy sessions that had gotten them nowhere. Traitors knew how to hide until the time was right to show their true colors. "But I've said too much already." They reached the dungeon doors, though he was not ready. Even so, he pushed them open.
Nancy stilled, but was quickly tugged after him. "This is just for tonight? You're not locking me away like one of your snakes?"
"Of course not! I gave you my word. One night whilst I sort my thoughts and feelings." He tried to smile, to reassure her, but the truth was he could not bear the thought of leaving her there again. In that horrible place he had long ago been hidden away. Oh, if only he knew his true thoughts better, he would keep her close. Could he give her what she wanted, he would not put her back there.
She looked up at her cell. Cold and white as death. It was a horrible, cruel cell. She looked to Loki again, studying his face for the last time. She knew she'd never see him again. He was immortal. A great, powerful king. She, less than a dog now.
Nancy stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, cherishing the feel of his body against hers. She kissed him, slow and passionate. "I should've told you sooner." She lifted a hand to caress his cheek. To stroke his hair. "Maybe you would've been as nice as you are now."
"Doubtful. And I cannot guarantee I will always be this kind." With a gesture, he shut off the barrier so she could enter. The last time he would ever do that, he swore to himself.
She nodded slowly and turned for her cell. There was no going back now. She slowly climbed the steps, climbing to her fate.
Nancy turned and looked at him, trying to memorize every detail about him. "No matter what you decide," she whispered, "I will always love you."
He raised the barrier with a sigh. He sent her one last, longing look and then turned to the guards. She would be safe here, or else. He let his glare speak more than his simple instructions. "No one touches her. No one even comes near her."
Reluctantly, Loki forced himself to leave. Every step away from her weighed on his conscience like an anvil. He shut himself in his chambers and locked the doors. Tonight, he would pace and think. Tomorrow, he would act on his decision.