Chapter 19: Like His Father

Chapter 19

Like His Father

"You know, Uncle Severus, you are the only thing keeping me from that same path. I'm afraid that one day He will come for me because of what I am and all I have is myself and you to keep me from it. All I have to protect myself is what you taught me. Anything I have, even my skills as a Magi, are all because of you, sir.

"Sometimes, I get afraid my power will corrupt me in such a way that I'll no longer know what is right. If I want to fight that, what better person to teach me than someone who knows, someone who has been one of them, someone who can tell me what I need to be prepared for. If you hadn't done those things, sir, where would we be?" He licked his lips and finished, "I don't care what you were, Uncle, only what you are, to me."

Snape stared at Sage, his eyes blank, empty. Sage couldn't read them for a few minutes but he eventually caught something flutter across those dark eyes, a sad kind of recognition, a revulsion, a guilt? He couldn't tell more than that. Not many people could read Severus and Sage was not about to try any harder. They stared at each other, looking, searching each others eyes for something. Something that would bring answers? Something that would tell them what the other's reaction would be? It was hard to tell. Snape leaned forward in his seat towards his nephew.

"It hurts to see you and to hear you and to know that you are so much like your father. So much like him that in hearing you, I can almost hear him, almost as if he is talking through you. He was a strange sort of Slytherin - though a great brother, a good person, and excellent with magic - there was something different about him, than most people in our house... He didn't judge others, he just took them as they were, for what they were worth. That was simply good enough for him or it wasn't. And being that I was his brother, he never said anything harsh about me no matter what I did. He never treated me any differently. I don't think I could have been more fortunate than having him to spend those many years with."

Sage was taken aback. It was not very often that the stoical professor let anything resembling an emotion out of himself. He most certainly never talked about Sage's father unless prodded to do so. Just to hear his uncle say something with such a tone of loss. And to hear that he was so much like his father was shocking.

"And now I have you, and a large part of your father lives on inside of you." Severus said standing up. "I have you, no matter how hard you are to deal with sometimes…" he said with an uplifting sarcasm and what may have been a twisted smile. "Although you are quite pleasant on occasion." He patted Sage on the head.

Sage watched him walk out of the room. His eyebrow bolted up wondering what had just happened. It wasn't as if Snape was much for lifting the mood either and for non-biting, uncritical sarcasm? Before he could go much farther into his thoughts, his uncle was coming back into the room holding something. A book, a very large book. Sage got off the table and sat back down on the couch as Severus sat down on the same chair he had just left.

"Sage, it's time that we talked about him, your father. Whether you think you are ready or not. It has been long enough and it is time you get to know him as well as you can from me."

Sage's face went blank. All sorts of emotions began rising up inside of him so badly that he suddenly felt the urge to throw-up again. He took a deep breath and swallowed trying to keep himself composed. They had never really talked much about his father. In fact, a lot of the things he learned about his father he learned from his uncle's mother.

Finally, he nodded in response.

Now is was Severus' turn to take a deep breath in preparation. "I'll start when we were both young children." Another deep breath. "Jace was three years older than I was and he was very protective of me. He was my older brother and he felt like he needed to watch over me, especially because of the way our father was…" He looked down and sighed. "Your grandfather was what I pretended to be. Every monstrosity, no doubt more than even I can imagine. He was one of the first to join Voldemort. I believe he tried to spend every spare moment grooming your father and I for the same thing. His main goal was not raising us but rather training us, toughening us, teaching us things children should never be taught."

Sage watched his uncle with a slight look of repulsion for what he was saying. His stomach was churning and he was in disbelief at what he was hearing. His feeling of shock only intensified as he sat mute waiting for his uncle to continue.

"You see he got us both our first wands around the age of six and had us taught how to use them. And eventually, he started having your father and I fight…"

For a man who was rarely ever at a loss for words, for a man who always spoke with resolution, Severus was having a horrible time trying to say what he wanted to say. He kept being sickened and angered by what he wanted to say before he was able to get it out.

"Your father was older than I was and should have easily been able to beat me by an extravagant gap, but he never did. He would purposely miss me or let me hit him when he could have easily blocked. But he didn't think that what our father was doing was right, he never said as much but he must have, and he didn't want to hurt me. He would appear to try so that our father wouldn't have too much of a reason to be angry with him, but he was always angry enough. I was only seven or so and I didn't understand what I was doing. I didn't really understand how I was hurting him, how our father hurt him. At least not right away. Jace never told me how the curses I had sent at him felt, because it didn't matter to him. All he knew was that if he made me look good, I would be safe. At first I thought it was because his magic wasn't as strong as mine, but when I got older I realized that wasn't true. But I was so young that I didn't know anything other than what our father fed into my head: that I was doing so well and that Jace was disappointing. I heard him yelling at Jace after we would duel and I heard your father's pleading and sometime I could hear him scream. It wasn't until much later that I realized he was using the Cruciatus on his own son.

"Finally, Jace went off to Hogwarts, and I didn't have a dueling partner anymore. That was when I finally figured out what exactly I had been doing to him all those years. Our father started doing it to me then too.

"When he came back from school for holiday over the winter, it went back to being the way it was before he left. I was still too naïve to think about what he was doing for me. It wasn't until I was eleven and went to school and he was fourteen that I figured it out. I saw and could tell that he didn't lose because he didn't have strong magical powers, although I had already thought that wasn't true. He was head of his class. And anytime any of the other Slytherins tried to do anything to me, although I was capable of protecting myself, he would send curses flying at them with ease. When we went back home, I knew it would start again. That first night I went into his room and confronted him about it. I told him that I knew that he was doing it on purpose and I asked him why. He said, 'because you're my little brother, you shouldn't have to go through this. It isn't right.' I told him to do it for real and not fake anymore and he said to me, 'Just keep quiet if you know what's good for you Sev. Listen to me, believe me, it's better this way.' I still remember what I said to that, 'Why would you do something like that for me? I can hear you after, when you're with him. I don't understand why you can protect me like this.' His answer to me jerked me so hard because we had never talked like that before. It was just something that went unsaid. He said, 'Because you are my brother and I love you.'"

Sage could see his uncle mentally remembering the moment and those words. His face was filled with grief. Sage now knew why the man had never talked about his brother. What he had lost when Jace was killed was something so great it could not even be put into words. Sage looked up as the man continued his story.

"So we went on with the charade for years, up until Jace moved out when he graduated. I was already marked when you were born, and that was what I did. After just over two years of it, I had started to have misgivings about what I was doing, about what I had become. I had become what our father was, what both of us hated, I had become something I was not. But, there was no easy way out, and I didn't see much of a choice so I carried on. There was one good thing that came of that. Your mother and father moved back into our home, since our father had died, and I spent plenty of time with them. I believe that was when I really felt what I was doing was wrong. They were my family, and my mother was as well, and I enjoyed being a part of it. Then you were born, and I never saw your father happier. Do you know he made me come with him when you were born? He wanted me to share the moment with him."

The usually sarcastic and unemotional potion's master opened the large book and handed it to Sage. He pointed out picture to him. There was plenty of the two boys growing up. There was one of both of them together, Jace dwarfing Severus with height, in the school robes. Severus told Sage that it was taken during his first year. Then there were the pictures that were taken at school. Sage was surprised how happy his father looked in the pictures and how alive he was. His father and his uncle looked a lot alike, except his father had softer features.

There was a picture of the Slytherin quidditch team holding the quidditch cup. He saw his father right away, easily the tallest, holding the cup with another player. Then his eye caught on the smallest and youngest player. It had to have been his uncle during his second year. That was the first year he had played as he had told Sage. Severus had played Seeker for a few years before taking over as Keeper when his brother graduated.

He smiled when he came to the picture his uncle had been talking about. The two brothers, one on each side of his mother in a hospital bed, smiling at the wriggling baby she was holding in her arms.

"Your father always tried to torment me with you, because he knew I was a little, well a lot, apprehensive about children. But what was a real surprise was how much you seemed to favor me. Your father would always tease your mother about how you liked to be held by us and not her. The older you got the more obvious that became as you can see."

Sage flipped around a few pages until the hospital pictures ended. There was a picture of his father reading to him and then another of a couchful of passed-out Snapes with a sleeping Sage. He snorted at this one. It was so hysterical to see his uncle deep asleep with fatigue with him sleeping in his arms and his father knocked out on his uncle's shoulder. It made his heart choke. He looked up at his uncle, blue eyes saddened.

"You were a real pain in the arse that night you know. I should have known how you would turn out." He sneered with fake maliciousness. Sage gave a half-smile and nodded. The little bit of levity made him feel better.

As Sage turned the pages he saw tons of pictures of his father holding him or his uncle holding him and only a few of his mother holding him. In the few ones with his mother, he always seemed to be screaming and red-faced. He wondered if the way his arms were stretched out was the direction of his father or not. It was pretty apparent that he didn't fancy his mum much. Great surprise that was, given how attentive she was after she was widowed. But that wasn't really fair of him, she was mentally decapacitated.

He grew really fast and it seemed like in no time he was a budding toddler. Sage knew those must have been taken in the few weeks before his father was killed. There was a picture of his father passing him to his uncle with a tired look on his face and it was so weird to see how he was reaching his chubby little arms towards the younger man. His uncle must have been quite different back then if he was so eager to be held by him.

"And I thought you were bad when you couldn't get around. Gods you were crawling by then. Your father and I couldn't keep you in one place and you wouldn't leave me alone either." Severus motioned for him to turn the page and then pointed down at a picture.

Ickle Sage was crawling on the ground and then pulling on the leg of his uncle pants while the man was trying to relax on the couch. Before long, he saw his photographic self get himself up onto his uncle's lap with a triumphant and toothless smile.

"You were LOUD too. Gods, we cursed the day when you learned to say 'da' and 'Unnle Sev'. I don't think you ever yelled for your mum, but you were always yelling about everything else even with a small vocabulary. It was impossible to ignore you, try as I might."

Sage was beginning to have a hard time keeping himself straight. Seeing the pictures of such a happy family and how that had been torn from him. Well, and from his uncle as well. Seeing his father holding him made him wish he could remember it other than in his visions. He could tell that his uncle was making light of everything to keep himself from feeling too emotional about Jace.

"Everything looks so, so… so happy," he finally said.

"It was. We all were happy. Things were different then. I was different then. So many things happened after that."

"Looks like I really favored you, sir. And my dad," he added softly.

"As a rule, children have never liked me, never. Not then, not when I started teaching. Even now they are scared of me. But not you. Not even when I went back to teach you after having not seen you in five years. Never. Well, not when you at least didn't have very good cause to be afraid."

Sage cringed. He knew he was afraid of his uncle when he was in trouble and he was not in denial about it. Sometimes his uncle was so indisputably intimidating. He even made other professors cower.

"That's because I know you differently, sir, you act differently around them. I can tell. Although you act that way to me too sometimes, I still know that other part no matter how little it shows up."

The older wizard sat back in his chair. "Perhaps that part you speak of is the part your father knew so well. A part that started to die after he was killed. And after other things… I don't think I even know it properly anymore. Except for inside my mind. Lots of things have changed since then. I have changed since then." He said this so resolutely. As if he had no thought that he could ever feel that way again, be that person again. Sage knew that he could be sometimes. He wasn't always so somber and stoical. His uncle was not as much of a git as they might think, well, at least he didn't often act that way to Sage. He did, on the other hand, give the rest of the world many reasons to hate him. That was one thing that frustrated Sage about Hogwarts. Everybody hated Severus Snape, and no matter how cold, how mean, or how demanding he was, Sage could not. It was ironic, even in his own mind, that the small part of the man they were talking about was the part he tried to associate most with his uncle. Whenever Sage got a glimpse of it, he would hold onto it. How could they not respect this man, how could they be so afraid of him, how could they talk about him like they did… They knew nothing about him, nothing about his past, nothing about his knowledge, his own magical powers, or his sacrifice for their protection. If they knew what he knew, they would respect him. It made him angry that it had to be that way. He was grateful he had his uncle, as sour as he could be sometimes, because his uncle was one of the few people that cared about what happened to him.

"Are you all right?" The man said, jostling him out of his thoughts.

"Fine," he said closing the picture album, even though it had more to look at. "Thank you for talking to me about him, about what you shared, about our family. It, it was really important for me to hear."

Severus could tell that Sage was close to losing it and knew that the boy did not want that to happen.

"We can talk more later. I think you need to go lay down for a little while. Your pupils look a little dialated. Dementors take a lot out of you and I kept you from recuperating long enough."

Sage tried to smile, but was not very successful. What had just happened had been hard for them both and his uncle had made a great effort to do that for him. He knew how sick inside Severus must be feeling. Sage hadn't even known him and he felt so empty inside. His uncle had to feel even worse. But the man was doing a good job of hiding it. Perhaps the professor was only doing it for his benefit. Slowly, Sage put the book back onto the table.

The moment hung in the air, suspended far longer than it should. Severus raised an eyebrow. Then Sage decided to move, but it was not to obey the command to rest; instead his nephew leaned over and hugged him. The normalcy of the gesture was not lost on him, though it was not particularly the norm for them. He let out his breath and put his arms around the boy for a moment.

"Now go rest. You do not wish to tempt an attack. You know they tend to come at such times."

Severus watched as Sage made for the bedroom to lay down. He had given the boy an easy way out. They could always talk about things more later.

He reached over to the book and set it down on his own lap. His finger lifted up the pages and felt for the last page. Six pictures were stacked back there and placed in an envelope. He opened it for the first time since he had first seen the pictures. The pitch was enormous and packed full of people. So many candles were lit, at least one for every person and the field was full of people standing in addition to those who were seated. The three rings at the end were decorated with huge blow-up wizard pictures of Jace flying around in his quidditch robes at past world cup games.

He choked and then ran his hand through his hair. He put the pictures down in the book without looking at the rest and closed it. He stared at it with his chest feeling like someone had dropped a house on it. Then he stood up and strode quickly out. Sage would be fine sleeping and he needed to relax and clear his mind. He went into his classroom and started brewing some potions for Pomfrey. He scowled. Even thinking about her annoyed him. His mind shifted back to the potions he would make. As tediously simple as they were, they would serve their purpose and make him forget.

Sage sat down on the bed, he was so tired he didn't care that it was his uncle's. After all, the professor's bed was much more comfortable than his own. His mind was swirling with the information he had just been given. His grandfather was abusive, he did nothing short of tortured his father with the Cruciatus curse. His father must have cared a great deal about his uncle to take even more abuse in order to save him from some. He wished he had a chance to know his father, but maybe then it would have been even more difficult to lose him. And the way that Severus talked about his brother was enough to catch Sage around the chest and constrict onto him. They had been through so much together. They had even been through his birth together and his infancy. Those pictures were ingrained in his mind as his eyelids became heavy. He laid down and was soon enveloped by a blanket of deep sleep.