The Doctor had been trying to get in touch with Clara for a couple of days and he hadn't had any luck. He left her numerous messages trying to apologise, but nothing. All he wanted was to go back to the way things had been and tell her he had made a mistake trying to kiss her, but she wasn't returning any of his calls. He decided to give it a rest for now, knowing that he couldn't force her to talk to him. And who was he to complain when he was doing the same to Missy. Well not exactly, he was still taking her calls, but just making excuses to not see her. He just wasn't ready to deal with that until he had spoken to Clara.
He was currently sitting in his living room playing his guitar, strumming a random melody that he had written after he lost Clara the first time. It was a slow, melancholy tune that reflected the way he was feeling at the time, but it was also a song that now reminded him of her so it made him feel good. The volume was turned up on his amp and it wasn't until he paused to think of another chord that he heard knocking at his door. Likely, one of his neighbours wanting him to turn the volume down. He put his guitar in its stand and got up to answer the door, wishing he hadn't as soon as he opened it.
"What the hell do you want?" The Doctor asked grumpily.
"And hello to you too," James replied.
The Doctor didn't say anything, but just glared at him, not moving to let him in.
"I was hoping we could talk," James said, holding up a bottle of scotch. "I brought a peace offering."
"I have nothing to say to you."
"Not even for a bottle of twenty-year Glenfiddich?"
"I don't care about your damn whiskey."
"Fine. Look I really need to talk to you and I think you're going to want to hear what I have to say."
The Doctor was skeptical, but he could hear the desperation in his voice and was curious as to what had his twin feeling this way. He stepped aside and walked away from the door, allowing James to enter.
James closed the door behind him and set the bottle down on a nearby table. He glanced around the room and instantly felt at home, despite the fact that he wasn't really welcome. The Doctor had decorated the place very similar to the place they had shared in Glasgow, albeit a little nicer and a lot more bookshelves. He was overcome with a feeling of home and knew that he was doing the right thing by coming here. The Doctor had taken a seat in his chair, next to his guitar, so James decided to sit opposite him on the couch.
The Doctor stared at James, waiting for him to speak. He wondered if Clara had told him about what had happened at the party and he had come here to tell him to stay away from her, but he didn't think that was the case because he likely would have shown up here a lot sooner.
"Nice place you have here," James finally said.
"Yeah, well I'm sure it's not as nice as the place you have," the Doctor replied, short tempered.
"I wouldn't say that. My place feels cold, compared to what you have."
"What exactly is it that you want to tell me? Because I'm sure you didn't come over here to discuss my flat." The Doctor was getting annoyed by the unnecessary small talk.
"Right." James took a deep breath. "I'm not really sure how to start this."
The Doctor could see that James' hands were fidgeting and he knew that meant that James was nervous about whatever it was he wanted to say. He had been that way when they were kids and he clearly hadn't changed. He was the same and remembered back to his conversation with Clara when he told her about being in prison.
"Why don't you start at the beginning." It was the advice Clara had given him.
"I'm not even sure where the beginning is. I've kept things locked inside for so long I don't even know if I'm capable of doing this."
"Opening up isn't easy, but you might feel better once you get it off your chest."
James stared at him and wondered how he would really react to knowing he was right. Was he putting himself in jeopardy by doing this? Did his brother hate him so much that he would go to the police? He looked around the room, trying to find something he could focus on that wasn't the glaring stare of his brother. He spotted a framed picture on one of the book shelves and immediately recognized the people in the photo as their parents. He got up and walked over towards it.
"I've been thinking about them a lot lately," James said as he picked up the frame. "I have so many regrets about my past, and not being there for them and you are the biggest ones I have."
The Doctor hadn't seen this side of James in years and he knew that he was afraid opening up would make him vulnerable. They may be estranged, but they were twins and that meant they had a connection that normal siblings didn't have. For James to be this rattled meant that whatever he wanted to say was huge.
"Yeah, well there isn't much you can do about that now, can you."
"You're right," James answered as he put the picture down. "I have to live with that and that's on me. I can't do anything about them, but maybe you and I..."
"James, there's nothing you can do to repair the damage that has been done," the Doctor said, cutting him off.
James sat back down again. "I don't want to believe that."
"Well I'm sorry, but you're going to have to accept it."
"I know I've made a lot of mistakes, and a lot I can't fix, but I want to believe that I can fix this."
"You left. And not just me, you left them. I don't care what it did to me, but you weren't the one who had to walk on eggshells around them, especially Ma. I know you don't want to hear this, but you broke their hearts, hers more than any ones. Your selfishness caused all of this and I don't think you're ever going to be able to change that." The Doctor was beginning to raise his voice.
"I wasn't being selfish. I did it to protect you and them. I honestly believed you would all be better off without me in your lives."
"How could you think that? They loved you, I loved you! We could have helped you, but no, running away was the better solution. Running away and never looking back." The Doctor sighed, trying to calm himself down. "You know I spent those seven years in prison and every year after that, convinced that after all we had gone through, you never gave two shites about me."
"That's not true. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you and them."
"You have a strange way of showing it."
"I had to cut everyone out, John! I had no choice."
"No, you had a choice, you just chose yourself over us."
This was not going the way James had planned. He had really hoped the two of them could talk without it turning into an argument, but clearly, he was being delusional. This had been a stupid idea to begin with.
"I should go," James said as he stood.
"Damn it, James! Will you stop fucking running!"
James looked at his brother, shocked to hear him stop him from leaving.
"I'm not running," he said quietly. "I just don't want to keep having the same fight."
"Then stop lying and be honest." The Doctor sighed. "If there is any chance of us fixing this, you need to be honest with me."
James sat back down, closed his eyes, and took a long deep breath.
"You were right." He let the words escape before he had a chance to change his mind.
"About what?"
"The drugs." James opened his eyes expecting to see the Doctor staring at him with rage, but he wasn't. His expression was hard, his fierce eyebrows pinched towards his nose, but it wasn't anger.
The Doctor didn't know what to say. He was relieved to know he was right, but at the same time didn't know what to do with this information.
"How long?" He finally asked.
"Pretty much from the moment I landed in New York."
"Why?"
"I honestly had no choice. When I got to New York, I made the mistake of reaching out to Syd MacIntyre. Do you remember him?"
"Yeah, I didn't know you had kept in touch with him after he left Glasgow."
"Not a lot, but I knew he had gone to America and I thought maybe he might be able to help me get settled. Problem was I didn't know that he was still in touch with a couple of guys from the Doyles. I thought when he left, he had left the life behind too. Turned out I was wrong."
"What happened?" The Doctor asked.
"I met up with him, we had some pints and my drunk arse said too much. I started bragging about the money I had stolen, trying to impress him, thinking he would be proud I had pulled one over on his old gang. He laughed about it, but it wasn't until a couple of nights later that he called me wanting to help him with a deal he was trying to make with a group of guys in Queens. I told him I wasn't interested in getting back into the drug business, but then he told me if I didn't come with him, he'd call the Doyles and tell them where to find me. I told him I would help him the one time and that would be it, but of course it wasn't. He not only threatened to tell the Doyles, he threatened to send someone after my family."
"Why would he have cared so much to get you involved?"
"He wanted someone from back home to be on his side. Didn't matter that he was blackmailing me to do it. I honestly felt like I didn't have a choice and I didn't know how to get out, or who to go to for help. Eventually, it just became my life."
"God James, you really fucked this up," the Doctor said. He had no idea what to think about all of this, but he could tell that James was being honest and it felt good to finally hear the truth. "How did you go from that, to whatever it is you have now?"
"I had always wanted to create my own ice cream brand and after a few years I had finally saved enough to make that dream come true. During the day I worked at creating Mondasian and at night I ran with the gang. Over time, I moved my way up and got close enough to the boss that I was able to take it over from him when the time came for him to pass it on. I know at that point I could have maybe gotten out, but I was too deep into it and thought I might as well stick with what I knew."
The Doctor had about a thousand questions running through his head, but there was one that he wanted to know more than anything.
"Why are you telling me this, now?"
"Because I want out and I don't know how to do that. I'm finally doing what I should have done all those year ago. I'm coming to you for help."
"But why now? What has changed in your life that you want to make this change?"
"Clara."
It was the answer the Doctor didn't want to hear. His damn brother had gone and fallen in love with the one woman he wanted more than anyone in this world.
"I've spent my entire life avoiding relationships, but that woman, just has a hold on me like no other woman has. I love her John, and I want to be a better man for her."
"You know that once she learns the truth, she'll leave you."
"I know, but I need to be honest with her even if that means losing her. I also know that you aren't going to want to help me, but I thought you deserved the truth more than anyone." James looked the Doctor square in the eye. "I really am sorry for everything."
John could see the sincerity and all the emotion in James' eyes and he couldn't stop himself from getting out of his chair and sitting next to James on the couch. He put a hand on his shoulder and for the first time in thirty-five years, he pulled his brother in for a hug.